The Official Bad Puns Topic

Eau d'Ear.

Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

So, 5 guys were sharing a car and passing underground when they all suddenly started screaming and clutching their wrists in pain. Somehow, they made it out into the open and to the nearest hospital, where they were diagnosed with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

Quite humerus.

Jamaica big deal about it?

UK there? That pun was Ludacris.

In Star Control, a Chmmr starship fell into the hands of the black Ur-Quan. It became known as Avatar Kohr-Ah.

Overheard this one in a Barnes and Noble the other day...

Okay so there's a king who interrogates people to get vital information by cutting their fingers off with a hatchet. One day there was a count who wouldn't say anything at all. The king was forced to cut off his head. Then the count was just about to crack, but it was too late. What's the moral of the story?

Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

If someone who rules a kingdom is a king, then what is someone who rules a country?

The first thing I thought was, "Genius." The second thing I thought was, "A count?"

He's a c...

Oh.

:/ Sorry.

EDIT: Now, that one works.

edited 30th Nov '12 3:18:04 PM by Artemis92

This raises the question: who is the ruler of a boredom?

Ben Stein.

edited 30th Nov '12 3:20:08 PM by PhysicalStamina

Courtesy of Avatar; The Last Airbender. http://amerrykatharine.tumblr.com/post/36866121094/avatar-extras-you-are-killing-me

A friend of mine who works at a post office had a story in which he had a package with the name Juan Wong on it. He told a friend the next day, "You know how I know neither of this guy's parents are white?"

Because two whites don't make Juan Wong.

The protagonist of Metal Gear opened up an ice cream shop. Their most popular item is the delicious, but hard to drink, Solid Shake.

Young Elta was a woman of grace
But one day she got hit with a mace
When her friends all found out
They shouted out loud
'Ω Δ, what happened to your face?'

I'm on a roll today. For extra geekery:

Kid to Joseph Fourier: 'Monsieur Fourier, is it true that you can transform? As in, just like the Transformers? That's so cool!'
Fourier: 'Sorry, kid. These kinds of transformations are... *puts on sunglasses* purely imaginary.'

YEEEEEAAAAAAH

Student to Joseph Fourier: 'Monsieur Fourier, I think I have found a way to solve this transformation problem you gave us. We'll use this bowl of milk here to lure out the Emperor's pet cat, hold the cat for ransom, use the ransom money to travel to Britain, and dress up in drag to seduce Charles Babbage so he'll let us use his mechanical calculators!'
Fourier: 'Really? That's your plan? It sounds a little... *puts on sunglasses* convoluted.'

YEEEEEAAAAAAH

Composer of twelve-tone music to Pierre Simon Laplace: 'Marquis de Laplace, have you heard my new composition? What do you think of it?'
Laplace: 'I don't know. It doesn't sound very... *puts on sunglasses* harmonic.'

YEEEEEAAAAAAH

Angry parent to orthodontist: 'We paid you to set our daughter's teeth straight. But instead, you set them all perpendicular to each other, and made them all exactly 1 cm long! How is she supposed to eat now?!'
Orthodontist: 'I don't see the problem - I just made them... *puts on sunglasses* ortho-normal.'

YEEEEEAAAAAAH

Politician in debate: 'When I'm Prime Minister, I'll see to it that every integral around a closed loop evaluates to zero!'
Other politician: 'Wow, that's pretty... *puts on sunglasses* conservative.'

YEEEEEAAAAAAH

Guy to girl at party: 'Hey baby, when I see you, my phasor's modulus and argument get a lot bigger, if you know what I mean...'
Girl back at guy: 'Oh, get lost. Your real part is much smaller than your imaginary part.'

YEEEEEAAAAAAH

Why didn't the Ayatollah Khomeini like sampling functions? Because of the Shah symbol.

YEEEEEAAAAAAH

What do you get when you let an engineering freshman fool around with PMOS transistors? A bad PUN.

YEEEEEAAAAAAH

edited 19th Dec '12 12:40:59 PM by MidnightRambler

I was having a therapy session with an Objectivist. Frankly, I found her too... randy.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

Inspired by a fad in recent Youtube videos, a guy decided to enter a shopping mall carrying a saxophone, strip naked, and attempt to woo women by playing that famous tune from "Careless Whisper".

The police arrested him for indecent exposure, and added him to the sax offenders registry.

Ouch. That joke was so painful I fell and broke my trombone.

Really? I found it quite humerus.

x3 I forgot I'd left the Trash Heap until I got to the bottom of that.

What happened to the whale that obstructed a fire hydrant?

It got a parking cetacean.