A Christmas Letter By My Alter Ego, Charlotte, Who Is An Eight Years Old Girl
Dear Santa,
It's me, Charlotte. Merry Christmas and that kinda thing. How are you? How are the elves? Were you able to pay your bills on time this month?
I'm not asking those questions because I care, but mother says I should try to start with some polite conversation before I jump right into several pages of unbridled greed. Whatever that means. Anyways, on to the list.
First, let's talk about what I don't want this year. No more PlayStation 3 boxes containing only a single pair of underwear, please. It was kinda funny the first 4 times, but now it's just annoying. In fact, if we could keep underwear out of it in general, that would be nice.
Now, here's what I want for Christmas this year:
- An unlimited credit card for mom so she doesn't have to shoplift from the Wal-Mart anymore
- A cat to love me and be my companion forever
- Another cat to torture for my own amusement
- A lifetime supply of Risperidone to help me not punch out Ms. Teacherson again
- An unlimited credit card for me so I don't have to shoplift from the Wal-Mart anymore
- Adobe Creative Suite 5
Um...That's all I can think of right now. I'm pretty sure there might be more though. I know! If you accept my friend request on Facebook, I'll just post on your wall if I think of anything else I want. So thanks then I guess!
Your friend (I guess),
Charlotte ♥
<Charlotte mode>
Oh, come on. I only wanna torture one of the cats. The other one gets to be my BFF Friend Forever.
They kinda cancel each other out, right?
</Charlotte>
Heapers’ Hangout<Charlotte>
Oh, yeah. I hadn't thought of that. Well who else can I inflict pain upon for my own pleasure?
</Charlotte>
Also, if her letter is any indication, Charlotte and I are on the same medication.
Heapers’ HangoutI think I'm going to make Charlotte a regular character here. In the Trash Heap, I mean. Because it's fun to pretend to be sociopathic little girl!
Heapers’ HangoutI know ABC is Electric.
...Isn't it?
Guys?
Shit, there's no one else in the office now.
Also, some guys interested in ESPN Classic called today. They're offering $200 million for it.
Perhaps that will be split between new ventures *, the water park, and re-issuing the Touchstone Television/ABC Studios library on DVD.
Wait, they called back, and now they are offering $500 million. Meetings are in order!
edited 2nd Dec '10 4:06:33 PM by AnonymousUser
Did King Soopers ever give out those stupid little stickers that said "I've Been Krogering"?
Heapers’ HangoutDarn.
This
◊ is what they looked like, for anyone who cares. The cashiers would give 'em to kids they thought were cute (e.g. me in 1997) and stick 'em on large items to show you've paid for 'em.
edited 2nd Dec '10 5:10:55 PM by CentralAvenue
Heapers’ HangoutA tragedy to end all lladneotydegartas: this purpose was surfed on a silver platter in the middle of June on an island off the coast of Pluto.
Why do pumpkins happen to sprigs of Maryland thyme? Will the world ever know the source of this crab-fueled contrivanced conspiracic hipster udon? See, that's the problem with the mentality of mentalists. They do not give any voice to the post-it note minority when they decide to hang around in the refrigerator. They've been going downhill both ways ever since they were signed to a major textile. THAT IS WHAT'S DESTROYING OUR PAPYRUS: GEORGE WASHINGTOBAMARTHEREAGAN. everything. everything.
@w@yahoo.com
^ this.
But, when push comes to shove, on what are we focused, in this brave new world? We are sickened by the very notion of tellurium chlorolithium peroxide, so how can our society progress past the point of no return, even after a petty curfew of forty-two in the Saturday morning cartoons? She, of all people, should comprehend a convoluted logic behind masterpiecing via storytelling. Hypocrisy. Hippopotami. Alakazam; yer problem's oxygen, go home where you can be vaulted across a room full of gelatin. so sorry, such pity
"Voilà! In View, a humble Vaudevillian Veteran, cast Vicariously as both Victim and Villain by the Vicissitudes of fate. This Visage, no mere Veneer of Vanity, is a Vestige of the Vox populi, now Vacant, Vanished. However, this Valorous Visitation of a bygone Vexation stands Vivified, and has Vowed to Vanquish these Venal and Virulent Vermin Vanguarding Vice and Vouchsafing the Violently Vicious and Voracious Violation of Volition! The only Verdict is Vengeance; a Vendetta held as a Votive, not in Vain, for the Value and Veracity of such shall one day Vindicate the Vigilant and the Virtuous. Verily, this Vichyssoise of Verbiage Veers most Verbose, so let me simply add that it's my Very good honour to meet you and you may call me V."
Veni vici vidi. What you see is what you get. It's only a fool who believes the lies, the propaganda, the slander that spouts from the fella's mouth—really, ever heard of Edwin Juniper Bebop IIIIII? Exactly. Of course you haven't. Astounding levels of ignorance in our society, nothin' like the good ol' days. o i nevar herd of brussel sporuts lulz THIS IS WHAT'S TEARING US APART. See, if you wear gloves, OBVIOUSLY you have hands and arms. but this guy don't wear gloves or even mittens or spatulae. so...god just tell me what happened to his hands and arms THIS IS WHAT'S DIVIDING OUR COUNTRY
This happened to a good friend of mine, I swear. Bubblegum and root beer in a blender? Mushroom cloud.
Hallucinogenic?
Portobello?
Souffle?
Four stars?
Guaranteed.
It's a deal. So, open up your agenda and see if you can pencil in a meeting with a cup of water. Alright? Look, I'm...I'm sorry. I can't do this alone. I really do care.
And all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll look down, and whisper "No."
...
.............................................
"I am very disappointed in you, Boxbot."
Dunno.
NASA COMPARED ARSENIC-BASED LIFEFORMS TO SOME EPISODE OF STAR TREK, PROVING ONCE AGAIN THEY ALL LIVE IN NERDSVILLE.
I've got two guns pointed west and a broken compass.because it sucks
Also, Cablevision is considering spinning off Rainbow Media. I would like to purchase this company, because it would give me access to more properties.
And I could re-retool AMC in the vein of TNT and FX. And probably do something with We TV. And make IFC and Sundance Channel into corporate pawns for ABC and its advertisers.
edited 2nd Dec '10 6:16:36 PM by AnonymousUser
Do what you will to AMC. Just make sure to play a Death Wish marathon every now and then.
I've got two guns pointed west and a broken compass.Tried it, man. Unfortunately Time does not have a weak point you can attack For Massive Damage. Fucker just keeps growing, burying everyone along its way.
no one will notice that I changed this

Stephen Arnold's Pinnacle brand turd polish: