Use Noodle Implements.

You are Ben 'Yahtzee!' Crosshaw, about to review Team Fortress 2, and equipping yourself against the inevitable onslaught. And you need something to read when waiting, right?

A rapier, a duck, fifteen dildos, and a bucket of tadpoles.

The best damn April Fools' joke in the world?

Now then, some gasoline, a book of matches, a claymore, and the first six volumes of Fairy Tail. What are they being used for, and how was I even able to sneak them through customs?

You're burning the Fairy Tale copies to keep warm,and you couldn't find a poker? How you got them through customs, I will never know.

But what am I doing with: A nest of baby seagulls, a horse femur, a banjo, three cubic kilos of ice, an emotionally insecure judge, directions to George Bush's house , several fake corpses, and knock-out gas?

edited 21st Feb '10 7:08:55 AM by MadeOfAxes

that's going to be the strangest tea party protest ever

a copy of Salo Or The 120 Days Of Sodom extended edition DVD, a Waldrapp Ibis, 5 GB's of Mortasheen Rule 34, a Gilbert Gottfried impersonater with a vestigial tail, the reanimated corpse of Long John Baldry, a copy of clayfighter 2 judgement clay, a Total Drama Island wing fic where Chef Hatchet is the uke, a Longisquama skeleton, two pounds of raw offal, a marsupial mole that is trained to do the surfin bird dance, a Rutabaga, a signed picture of whoever played Lokar in Space Ghost Coast To Coast and finally for good taste a copy of the Finnish animated short film Varjoja Margariinissa (or Shadows In The Margarine as its known in english)

edited 24th Feb '10 1:44:34 AM by truteal

You're going to eat the offal and the rutabaga for dinner, accompanied by the ibis, the reanimated corpse, the skeleton and the Gilbert Gottfried impersonator. Then, for some light entertainment, you're going to watch the mole dance, then watch the movies and play the Clay Fighter game. Finally, you're going to beat off to the picture, the fanfic and the Mortasheen Rule 34 (all at once).

A bag of frozen peas, a flaming onyx pillar, three stuffed ducks, 893 cm of silly string, the complete fourth season of Lost, five pillows, a helicopter, Kate Beckinsale, an 18th-century armoire, Love's Labours Lost, a sculpture of a hand made out of butter, two rolls of purple wallpaper, and five photographs of the same weasel.

The Great Lost WMG on this very wiki. Give me a challenge next time.

Although, I'm sure I could do something with 16 boxes of foam, my Nokia N95 mobile phone, 7 rolls of Duck Tape, a duck, a steam engine, a steam roller, the cake 5 hens, and an elevated anvil.

You're planning to kidnapping someone, using a meal including the duck and the cake as a pretense to meet them, but you're out of eggs so you get the hens to lay them for you. After knocking them out, you drop the anvil on them before flattening them to be sure. You stuff the body into the foam boxes, then make your getaway aboard the train, using your phone to alert your fellow conspirators of your success.

Now, what am I doing with: the shooting script for District Nine, a pickaxe, a jam jar full of custard, a You Tube account, five live geese, one dead goose, a dog train to jump five feet into the air on command, a blunt machete, an exact replica the suit Charlie Chaplin was buried in, an easily annoyed Russian diplomat, and the keys to the Louvre?

edited 24th Feb '10 9:20:50 AM by MadeOfAxes

Well, obviously you're planning on reshooting the District Nine and making some of your own "improvements" to the plot (including a really spectacular goose-hunting scene), so you can show everyone on You Tube how the movie should have gone. Probably shouldn't have held that diplomat hostage until you got a thousand comments, though.

I seem to have acquired a gold necklace, a tiara, an electric-blue bikini swimsuit, a dozen eggs, a Latin-English dictionary, a plush frog, a cell phone, two yellow legal pads, an autographed photo of Tom Felton, and a pair of really cool mirrored sunglasses. What the heck am I going to do with this junk anyway?

You're attending a Latin/Cookery class and you want to arrive in style? And you have such a warped idea of style you've included the picture and the frog in your costume.

Now, what was I doing with: a wok, 12 daffodil bulbs, a swiss army knife, a fake moustache, a DIY neurosurgery kit and booklet, three episodes of different music-related podcasts, a dead cat, a broadsword, a 2000 point army of Tau, a professional hockey team, a live scorpion, a Legend Of Zelda walkthrough manual, and a three-bedroom flat in New York?

edited 26th Feb '10 7:24:44 AM by MadeOfAxes

You're trying to sneak into Canada as an illegal immigrant, stopping at New York first, so you can play Legend of Zelda there! I know, Canadian Lo Z is awesome.

I need some duct tape, a mouse, a computer mouse, a hot air balloon, several fish tanks, and a tower of toilet paper covered with spaghetti sauce. What am I doing with it?

A re-enactment of the opening scene from Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura?

Now, give me a cell phone, two aromatic candles, some benzene, a pair of week-old socks (unwashed), a bicycle chain, and a full set of radial tires.

Are you planning on cleaning out your room?

I have: an empty can of spray paint, several RVs, Hurricane Katrina, Subaru Nakajima, ten bottles of tequila, a minigun, a half-dozen bootleg Blu-Rays of Hotel Rwanda, an old typewriter, and a broken Betamax player.

Wow, that is one hell of a bender you're going on.

Can you tell me what I'm doing with a bag of birdseed, a large bowl, a small sequined top hat, a quantum mechanics textbook, a stapler, and a Pikachu?

Trying to catch Pokemon, obviously.

I have the complete set of Monty Python six furnaces a fish and a guy named Steve.

Well, obviously you and Steve are cold, hungry, and bored.

What the heck am I doing with a fishing rod, a really nice pair of black gloves, some random shirtless bishounen guy, my childhood BFF, an Extreme Super Soaker, and connections to the mafia?

You invited your old friend and your new, very handsome friend to go fishing, have a water-war, and use the mafia to get everyone away.

What do I do with a pistol, a banana, a wirehanger, a fedora, and an pregnancy test?

Well of course your getting ready to play Modern Indiana Jones in the play, "Parody night!" Instead of a whip, you have a stretched out hanger. The banana and pregnancy test are props you need to supply.

Hey, can you pack a hat, glasses, a copy of "Flick", a robot straight from the steampunk age, a time and dimension machine that can't go to the steampunk age, and a snake with 2.5 heads into my private magic carousel jet thingy? I need to get the fridge in, and it takes very long.

Are you trying to create Tricked Out Time?

Now, what am I doing with: a cheap copy of the Mona Lisa, the real Mona Lisa, a nonstandard keyboard capable of typing in english and russian, two albino cats, a poorly-written piece of Twilight fanfiction, a set of animal flashcards, a highly-paid team of top lawyers, a machete, your (yes, yours personally) car keys, a trapeze, a tram, the island of Crete, a stolen Canadian passport which does not match me, a tin of tomatoes, and a trigger-happy milkwoman with mild psychopathic tendencies?

edited 28th Feb '10 11:24:43 AM by MadeOfAxes

Well, obviously your plot for global domination includes pleasing cat-lovers and stupid fangirls. They do comprise a good segment of the population, after all. However, you realize that your plot will ultimately fail because I (yes, I personally) don't even have a car, so you get stopped at the US/Canada border and arrested for art theft. Pity too, it almost worked.

Hi! I was wondering what I was doing with this ten-shade eyeshadow pallet, copy of the Farmer's Almanac, pirate ship, paper shredder, and Mardi Gras mask.

You're getting ready for a really elaborate street parade.

Now, what am I doing with: half a can of diet pepsi, a Harry Potter poster, a lightbulb, a rabid skunk, a recycling center, the Evil Overlord List numbers 12-37, a meteorite, a set of power tools, an abandoned coal mine, the world javelin champion, 35 hired soldiers all named Alan, a faulty ventilation system, and the government of Uruguay?

Lemme guess: you plan on taking over Uruguay and killing off every member of its government in order to consolidate power.

Let's see what I have:

The 300 Spartans, a dozen cans of Lysol, ten dice, an iPod, a leaky old rowboat, several mass-produced EVAs, a moonshine still, a damaged Sailor Moon DVD, two firecrackers, Elanor, every volume of Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle and XXXHolic, a shrink ray that's in dire need of repair, and a partridge in a pear tree.

edited 3rd Mar '10 6:19:39 PM by tennessean

You're trying to find the component needed to repair the shrink ray by ambushing the scientist who built it at the anime convention he's hosting, and plan to fake your death onboard the leaky rowboat while escaping by using the firecrackers and the Lysol to create a pyrotechnic display.

I hope you can swim.

Anyway, I have a fursuit, a hardback copy of Anathem, and a map of Vienna. I've got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a weird night.

I'm not sure the Austrians are ready to join your cult. You may wish to start in Switzerland.

What am I doing with a backscratcher, a platinum blonde wig, extensive training in various martial arts, a hardhat, several of the weird flashback/cutscenes from Family Guy, and a roommate who seems to be suffering from some degree of obsessive-compulsive disorder?

Your making a new sitcom. Hilarity Ensues, I hope?

Now, what am I doing with: a seafood allergy, an art critic, a book detailing the history of ancient Korea, a construction site, 500 cushions in a very large heap, cake icing, the editing staff of several national newspapers, scissors, and a lot of free time?

Starting a media empire which will one day rival that of Rupert Murdoch. The art critics are only there for sophistication points.

Now, then...I pulled a tin foil hat, a scarab beetle, a bag of light bulbs, some Cool Shades, a motorboat, and a boombox out of my Bag of Holding. What's their purpose?