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Treating Sahara as ocean, legally and territorially AND NARRATIVELY

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RawPower Jesus as in Revelations from Barcelona Since: Aug, 2009
Jesus as in Revelations
#1: May 20th 2010 at 5:31:54 AM

Continuation of this thread Any ideas?

Damn, if I have to write on this, I'll need to travel and revise my Arab Classic Poetry.

This isn't going to be easy at all.

Damn, isn't that convulted?

Beware of the Zombie Goasts!

Also, the combustion engine is DOOMED.

edited 20th May '10 5:32:52 AM by RawPower

'''YOU SEE THIS DOG I'M PETTING? THAT WAS COURAGE WOLF.Cute, isn't he?
lordGacek Since: Jan, 2001
#2: May 20th 2010 at 6:21:38 AM

Does it have to be Sahara, or counterpart cultures and locations are fair game?

Once upon a time I imagined a kind of Post-Apo environment with vast steppes playing the role of seas, and armoured buses, the ships. But it requires a combustion engine. idea Can we get to the steppe version later, when we finish this, then do compare-and-contrast stuff on it?

edited 20th May '10 6:23:52 AM by lordGacek

RawPower Jesus as in Revelations from Barcelona Since: Aug, 2009
Jesus as in Revelations
#3: May 20th 2010 at 6:42:21 AM

Yes of course. But I'd like this to be about the Real World, 20 Minutes into the Future or Alternate Universe style. There are enough real cultures to do research on which provide lots of interesting narrative resources.

Oh, another soundtrack suggestion:

"It was a routine assignment", thought Wakrim as he endured the brutal heat, immobile on the camel, under the iron sun.

Music is important to the mood of a setting.

edited 20th May '10 6:57:59 AM by RawPower

'''YOU SEE THIS DOG I'M PETTING? THAT WAS COURAGE WOLF.Cute, isn't he?
DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#4: May 20th 2010 at 11:26:47 AM

At least you have some idea of what homework needs to be done. Any number of authors never had a clue.

Now the very first thing to do is establish the setting. Lets start with the big picture. What is the situation outside and around the sahara? Politically, economically, culturally, what's happening when the story takes place?

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.
RawPower Jesus as in Revelations from Barcelona Since: Aug, 2009
Jesus as in Revelations
#5: May 20th 2010 at 12:08:12 PM

Here, have some music:

[[youtube:WXkWt_8n0WQ&feature=related]]

Let's see. Sixty years from now. We went on burning fossile fuel for as long as it was economically viable. Exhausted in 50 years. We went on to burn all fissiles. 10 more years. Water reserves have been spent, and there are now pipelines for water instead of oil. It has become a very precious commodity (although not nearly on Dune levels). The Third World, reliant on antiquated combustion engine technology, lacking the appropriate electrical networks to supply electric and hydrogen-battery cars, has been thrown back in development again, except for some vital resource-exploitaition and manufacturing hubs, especially near the coast. Those are well-supplied (relatively, they're still slums).

The railroads, however, have developed well, replacing highways in many places in the universal drive for the saving of energy, resources, and carbon emissions. You could say humanity has entered a sort of feverish hibernation: it is not a Scavenger World, but planned obsolescence is a thing of the past. Sustainable development is not only a matter of course, it is at the core of every single action an individual takes. This is because the only way to keep the economy growing, i.e. not COLLAPSING, is to optimize whatever resources there are, and reduce consumption at the same time.

In the Northern Hemisphere, the Scientist as Hero is back. The beautiful minds work together with idiots who mimic the tricks and methods of science, because it has become not just a job like any other, but the main source of jobs. Robotics and agrarian sciences have advanced so, manual labour, nay, most administrative and secretarial labour, are left to machines and AI. Repetitive tasks are left to repetitive machines: the only asset of the human mind is its inventiveness. The only thing that hinders this, temporarily, is the energy consumption of such powerful machines: people are still used when it's more economical, though it's becoming more and more rare.

I'm trying to build a Post-Cyberpunk world, where there is no "darkness for the sake of darkness", where there is no evil for heroes (or anti heroes) to dramatically combat. Instead, there is great economic and ecological tension. I haven't figured out how that society works, though I guess Bread and Circuses are vital, and entertainers and artists and storytellers are highly valued.

I also want to speak of Chinese emigration and Indian influence, of the fall of VeniceSaudi Arabia and the Emirates, of the miraculous recovery of Irak, of the appeasement of Israel with its neighbhours, tangled in codependent economical interests, upon the USA and the EU abandoning them and China taking only a weak-willed relay (Marxism being a possible excuse).

All this affects our zone of interest as follows: MASSIVE Solar and Eolic fields supply the (Old) world with energy. The inhabitants that maintain this are supplied by railways and pipelines of water. The nomads exploit this for all it's worth: the world's energy source is an international Far West, belonging to corporations more powerful than States. Business thrives, and mushroom cities abound. These cities are still incredibly dependent of the surrounding, fertile countries, and the coastline. While outright war never happens for this very reason, it is also because of this that constant skirmishes are fought. While most of the scheming and backstabbing happen in hot offices (We Will Not Use Air Conditioning In The Future, but SENSIBLE ARCHITECTURE), sometimes it erupts into gunfire. There is also of course massive bootlegging and smuggling. And let us not forget about fanatical religous sects. NGOs try to ascertain a monopoly on development aid, to control and direct the growth of Africa to their intersts.

I'll allow my brain to cool down. See if there are any hints of impossible bullshit or Author Tract up there, please, I feel like I lack objectivity right now.

As you see, I am going for something Planetes like. Perhaps we could use the very same setting with the Serial Numbers Filed Off. Although I fail to see how Space Travel can become common if energy and resources are so rare and optimized.

Oh, and China is very wizened, and its men flood the world, as Spanish conquistadors, marrying foreign women and settling in Chinese colonies worldwide. Their children are easily assimilated by the locals, but Chinese culture (what the Communists have left of it) has planted the world with its seed. And miscegenation is incredibly common everywhere.

edited 20th May '10 12:11:03 PM by RawPower

'''YOU SEE THIS DOG I'M PETTING? THAT WAS COURAGE WOLF.Cute, isn't he?
DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#6: May 20th 2010 at 6:26:10 PM

OK, thats enough for now, I think, to give us a flavor of the world you are building. US/West isnt gone, just consolidating, and not interfering in the rest of the world as much as formerly. Developing world is developing, but lots of room for chaos and conflict still.

OK, the next step are characters. Do you have any specific ideas? If you're open to suggestions, I think it might be fun (and different) to tell a story using all muslim characters. What do you think?

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.
RawPower Jesus as in Revelations from Barcelona Since: Aug, 2009
Jesus as in Revelations
#7: May 20th 2010 at 6:33:33 PM

Awesome. There's a lot of variety there. Maybe add some old-fashioned pagan animists for some of the more condescendant muslims to show Cultural Posturing?

Do we go for a Five-Man Band as the main crew? Or a Power Trio? Or do we ignore group tropes altogether and go for something more original?

I want a rationalist, Spockish, West-educated, socially conscious Muslim who came in search of his roots. He'll be the Author Avatar and Fish out of Water for local stuff, espacially practices and customs. He'll be rather knowledgeable on macroeconomy, engineering, and global politics.

I also want The Integrist, a dogmatic, almost terrorism-fodder guy, but sympathetic and very brave and noble, if somehow childish and stupid (based on a friend of mine). And the Intrepid Merchant, who's there for fun and profit. And a mercenary, Hired Gun, ex-soldier, Boisterous Bruiser, but Shell Shocked Senior: a complex, lively, yet broken dude.

Wait, will they all be male? Why don't we make The Engineer a woman as well as a trained martial artist?

edited 20th May '10 6:39:02 PM by RawPower

'''YOU SEE THIS DOG I'M PETTING? THAT WAS COURAGE WOLF.Cute, isn't he?
DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#8: May 20th 2010 at 7:35:41 PM

I've got some ideas for you perculating in my mind. Give me 24 hours to sort it out, and I'll get back to you.

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.
RawPower Jesus as in Revelations from Barcelona Since: Aug, 2009
Jesus as in Revelations
#9: May 21st 2010 at 4:36:54 AM

Thank you. I'll be waiting. Here for some atmosphere (use maximum bass, otherwise something is lot):

edited 21st May '10 4:44:51 AM by RawPower

'''YOU SEE THIS DOG I'M PETTING? THAT WAS COURAGE WOLF.Cute, isn't he?
DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#10: May 21st 2010 at 10:53:59 AM

You've inspired me to do a little bit of writing (which I havnt done in a loooong while). This is your story, so ignore or use, refine or adapt as you see fit. This might work as your Integrist, not quite what you asked for, but here goes:

Names: Marwan bin Duailan, aka Al Bass “The Cat”: Bandit chief, 23 years old, short in stature, quiet and reserved, extremely intense eyes. Thin, stained clothes very worn, but of good quality originally. Main weapon: military assault rifle. Secondary: curved dagger with silver inlay.

''"The sun had risen pink above the escarpment. Men had begun moving about the camp, campfires lit, the voices of 20 plus men singing the morning prayer. The Cat rose from his seated position, and lit his first cigarette, contemplating the day ahead. Far off, a buzzard was circling a thermal.

The Cat had lived his entire life in the desert. The youngest child in a family of ten, he had left home at an early age, and quickly found his niche as a raider, gathering followers, and sent what wealth he gained back to his family. He was unusually reflective this morning. Lives, he thought. Lives were like rain in the summer sands- scarce, precious, temporary. And no matter how many vanish, Allah always sends more. Scooping up his rifle, he walked toward the boy.

They had caught him trying to steal one of the trucks last night. Probably he belonged to some band of such boys in a village near here, daring each other in ever more risky ventures. This one had been braver and more resourceful than the rest, had actually snuck into the camp, and had gotten into one of the pickups before they even knew he was there. They had only caught him because Cat always insisted on emptying the tanks at night. Now he was sitting stiffly, watching the sunrise. “Let’s go for a walk” he said to him. “Yes, elder” the boy replied.

The Cat did not think of himself as “good” or “bad”. He hadn’t used categories like that since his early childhood. Like his namesake, he simply understood the dictates of his environment, and obeyed them. He took no pleasure in killing. To protect yourself, sometimnes men had to die, and so… let a thief go, and it is only time before he comes back. And next time, of course, he brings his own gas.

They had passed beyond the perimeter of the sleeping area. He looked down at the boy. He couldn’t be more than ten. The resemblance of this boy to himself, many years ago, was not lost on the Cat. Briefly, their eyes met. He knows what is coming, thought the Cat, and has decided to be brave about it. That is good.

“Face me now” he told the boy, “Look over there, where the sun strikes the stone.” The boy turned his head.

The sound of the shot broke the morning air like a whipcrack. All the voices stopped, the only sound that of the wind on the sand. He strolled back to the fires, where most of his men were sitting. Voices began again. “My kid could use some new shoes!” someone said, to general guffaws. “I get the boy’s wallet”, “I get some skin to make a new wallet!”.

“He died like a man.” As soon as the Cat spoke, the others were silent. He seemed to be staring out at the horizon somewhere. “We will cover the body with heavy stones, to guard against the carrion eaters, and tell the family where to find him. No point in making more enemies.” He glanced at his older cousin Jumaan, sitting next to the others, who only nodded back. The wisdom of this was self-evident. “There will be no desecration.”

Jumaan spoke, holding a walki-talki next to his ear. “Mohammed reports a column of dust, approaching from the south.” Someone coming to use the well, thought the Cat. “Fill the tanks, prepare the body as I have said, we move as soon as we are ready.” The men hustled, his will carried out. No one challenged the Cat."''

Notice that the names are in Arabic, which may have to be changed to fit the setting. This is based on a real historical person, bin Duailan the Cat was a Beduin living in the Empty Quarter in the 1940's. The lifestyle and mores are as close as I can get it to actual desert raiders of the past, updated to the present.

If you liked this one, I can do at least 3 more.

edited 21st May '10 11:05:25 AM by DeMarquis

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.
Tangent128 from Virginia Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: Gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
#11: May 21st 2010 at 11:33:30 AM

Would you see these?

edited 21st May '10 11:33:39 AM by Tangent128

Do you highlight everything looking for secret messages?
RawPower Jesus as in Revelations from Barcelona Since: Aug, 2009
Jesus as in Revelations
#12: May 22nd 2010 at 7:45:07 AM

^^ Awesome. Really, thumbs up. It was really vibrant. Send me more!. However, before we continue, two remarks:

  • We shall look for realism, but avoid Darker and Edgier for the sake of it. Too many works nowadays are riddled with it, and the other characters should be brighter. This guy should have a sense of humour too, and I don't talk about Gallows Humour.

  • We shall do our utmost to avert Did Not Do The Resarch and Dan Browned. I'll have to ask, but I'm quite certain, while the call to prayer is chanted (by one man), the Dawn prayer is silent, and the night prayer is spoken out loud.
    • If we're going to have an All-Muslim cast, I'd like to get people from all sorts of sects. The berber, native Touareg will still have traces of animism, the European will have atheistic and empirist influences (some moment of introspection in which he feels embarassed, his ass up in the air, the feet of the guy in front of him, reciting words he barely understands to thin air, the void, or the other guy's ass, would be welcome: the point is not to make an Author Tract, but to showcase how dfferent people may feel differently about faith and the Lord and stuff: each side must be treated with respect, the point being to advance characterization and character arcs, not to gratuitously meander). We should also have a look at burying rituals. And, as far as I know, no matter how barbarian bandits can be, skinning people to make purses is right out, except if we explicitly point out the man was joking.

    • Brief impressionitic brushes are great for atmosphere, but being inspired by Arabian Nights and classic Arabic Poetry, I think we should allow ourselves to use some It's Not Porn, It's an Index tropes, especially Scenery, Costume and Food Porn. This should not come as awkward Infodump, but should be used effectively at just the right times. The idea is to provide a sensorial climax to the reader through lush, exciting, detailed descriptions. (Oh, and, coincidentally, a Cunning Linguist might be a good addendum to the cast, although Arabic as a Lingua Franca is more-or-less a given.) I suggest you give an unabridged Arabian Nights a look: you can't go more than a hundred pages without falling on either sort of aesthetic erotica, including actual erotica.

By the way, we could use some Tastes Dissonance, when describing actual erotica, by representing a woman/man with unconventional beauty, by Western Standards, as incredibly attractive. If Arabian Nights can make Big Beatiful Woman and a guy with a Uni Brow attarctive, then so can we!

Besides of this, I'm approaching the final exams right now, so I suggest we take a decent, regular, but moderate pace with this until July. Then I will be able to go all-out, both with research (I got some specialized libraries with very nice resources) and writing. Maybe, just maybe, we might be able to complete an original and compelling Hard Sci Fi novella. Unless you feel like inculding fantasy elements, but I'm, on principle, rather strongly opposed to that. What say you?

'''YOU SEE THIS DOG I'M PETTING? THAT WAS COURAGE WOLF.Cute, isn't he?
DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#13: May 22nd 2010 at 11:40:23 AM

I'm relatively free until July, so our schedules dont mesh that well (although in July I'm only teaching two classes, so it's not a hellish courseload). I'm prepared to help you with setting, characters, and plot, but you'll have to do most of the actual writing, I'm afraid. That's appropriate, since I consider this to be primarily your story.

Your suggestions are all excellent. Anyplace I'm not certain what the facts are, I tend to brush over with some degree of ambiguity (you'll notice I didnt actually describe the dawn prayers themselves). The "skinning" remark was a half-joke, and the point I was trying to make was that while shooting a 10 year old isnt considered particulary evil in this environment (its almost commonplace) desecrating the body would have been unforgivable, and might even have started an inter-tribal war. The Cat was wise to squelch it.

By the way I'm no good at writing sex scenes, I dont mind em, just not a talent I have.

OK, I'll start working on the next character, and some preliminary ideas about the plot.

Incidently, this being an open thread, anyone is free to jump in with commments. I liked the idea about wheeled trains, see if we can work it in.

edited 22nd May '10 11:43:25 AM by DeMarquis

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.
RawPower Jesus as in Revelations from Barcelona Since: Aug, 2009
Jesus as in Revelations
#14: May 23rd 2010 at 8:27:15 AM

Indeed, those are AWESOME.

Just yesterday, I stubled on a book, simply called Tuareg by this author, which apparently used to be a best-seller in 1980 and was adapted into a movie. See if you can get your hands on either: I have started reading it, and it is awesome. Unless I have been completely Dan Browned, this is a very well-researched book, and it brings forth exactly the atmosphere I was looking for.

And I'm totally okay with doing most of the writing, and I greatly appreciate your help with the setting and characters. I'll try to avert They Wasted a Perfectly Good Plot: I would never forgive myslef if I screwed up...

'''YOU SEE THIS DOG I'M PETTING? THAT WAS COURAGE WOLF.Cute, isn't he?
DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#15: May 24th 2010 at 11:47:17 AM

Here is the next one. It's not as good or as vivid as the last one, but gets the idea for the character across. Obviously the 'stranger' mentioned near the end is one of the other protagonists. The journey they undertake will get the story going.

In a town along the maglev, somewhere south of Bengazi-

"Salim bin Khabina was from a very poor family. They were so poor that they owned no goats or camels, no livestock at all, and merely followed their relatives on the seasonal migration doing what odd jobs they could for the other families. They were so poor that bin Khabina wore only a loin cloth, a thin shirt and ragged shoes held together with tape. So poor that in a town filled with undernourished children, bin Khabina’s nickname was “Scarecrow”* Poor as he was, he never begged. This was not out of pride, everyone he knew was a beggar, and here, in this place, there was no particular shame attached to it. It was just that it seemed a waste of time to bin Khabina, and that making important well-placed friends paid off better in the long run. He tried to establish a relationship with as many of the merchants in the souk as he could, like the man who sold used solar panels, or the dealer in portable generators, who might occasionally share spare parts they didn’t need, or part of their lunch. One woman in particular, a carpet weaver, was especially friendly. Once, years ago, before bin Khabina was born, when there had still been tourists, many of them would pay her good prices for a hand-woven carpet. Now, an old woman, she mostly wove for herself and her family, but no one minded her presence in the souk for she was well known for her kindness and generosity.

None of the food merchants would have him anywhere near them of course, for fear of theft, but there was one in particular, a spice dealer who also sold illegal daggers in the alley out back, who was especially hostile to him. Weapons of all kinds were of particular interest to bin Khabina, and he tried to get a closer look, just to learn as much as he could, but the man was mean and was always insulting him, hollering at him to get away, and one day he struck bin Khabina across the face with the back of his hand. Khabina was only fourteen, and looked twelve, and of course was physically frail, so he must have seemed helpless and weak to the dagger seller, just another street rat of no concern, and deserving of no respect. But Khabina was not a street rat like the others, he was a nomad, and intelligent, and proud. He gathered his brothers and one morning and, as the seller was opening his shop, he was met by a hail of stones, some of which broke his merchandise, and some of which struck him, leaving him bloody-faced, and in retreat. Poor though they may be, no one strikes a Khabina.

Unfortunately this action had consequences. The next day just after dawn the police conducted a sweep through the souk. They weren’t looking for Khabina’s, indeed they didn’t seem to make a distinction of any kind among the many street children hanging about. Most of them ran or tried to hide, but Khabina had planned for this. He sat himself down next to the carpet weaver, and at the right moment, picked up a box of scraps and handed it to her. Winking, she accepted it, and the policeman who was passing by gave him just a glance, seeing only an old woman and her helper, and moved on. The sound of clubs on flesh went on for another twenty or thirty minutes or so, and died away as the police got bored.

It was time to leave. The police weren’t looking for him, but the other street children knew whose fault this was, and they weren’t going to let it go without revenge. Even his brothers couldn’t protect him from them. So when the stranger arrived, wearing expensive clothes and asking around for a guide to desert, it seemed Allah was answering his prayers."

  • That is obviously a cultural anachronism, but I’m not sure what the appropriate equivalent would be in this setting.

Oh, and bin Khabina is also an historical person, another Beduin from Saudi Arabia in the '40s.

edited 24th May '10 11:50:13 AM by DeMarquis

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.
RawPower Jesus as in Revelations from Barcelona Since: Aug, 2009
Jesus as in Revelations
#16: May 24th 2010 at 1:36:42 PM

Eeexcellent, eeexcellent...

There was certainly more on-screen action on this one! I love how you capture moods! In the big city, Casablanca, the ambience is closer to Furi Kuri, but this is a lot more like Epic Poetry. Seems a bit idealized to me, but that's Artistic License, and should be used indiscriminately (within taste).

Oh, and I dunno about 2060, but in 2010 scarecrows are definitely still in use, though I am quite certain extreme scrawniness gets a completely different nickname. I'll have ter arsk.

edited 24th May '10 1:38:10 PM by RawPower

'''YOU SEE THIS DOG I'M PETTING? THAT WAS COURAGE WOLF.Cute, isn't he?
DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#17: May 26th 2010 at 8:35:33 AM

Thanks, I'm really kinda enjoying this. OK, so before I move on to the next character sketch, some ideas about the plot. If I understand your setting correctly, all the oil and uranium is gone, so... what happened to the nation-states in the region? Seems to me, some states would have prepared better than others. The Saudi Royal Family I think will end up like the British one, so diversified as to hardly notice what the peons are going through. Egypt probably hasnt changed that much, they never were that dependent on oil. Cairo has solidified it's position as the cosmopolitan capital of commerce in the Muslum world, with Russian, Chinese, Indian, and even Brazilain interests vying for position. Libya, Algeria, and other Saharan states are basket cases by now, with Libya essentially a failed state. So our action will take place mostly in Libya (chaos is interesting and dramatic).

With oil gone, entreprenuers are scrambling to make solar and wind power economically viable. Large scale development projects spreading over hundreds of square miles in the middle of no-where. Such development are rivals of each other and provide their own private security (as well as sabotaging each other's projects). Various nomad tribes want a piece of this action. High speed rail is the primary transportation, followed by wheeled off-road train like caravans (thanks Tangent!) and four-wheeled drive electric vehicles (have to update the reference in Cat's sketch about "draining the tanks").

So far so good? So- what's the basic plot? I propose a secret large scale desalinisation program, designed to get drinking water to the inhabitants of the interior without anyone knowing about it. This could utilize the abandoned oil pipelines, stuffed with some sort of cheap filtering material. Various tribes will be in on the project, paid in water bribes, and the rest of the water is being pumped into the empty underground oil resevoirs.

Our intrepid crew stumbles on to this somehow, gets caught up in the plot-counterplot aspect of it. What do you think?

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.
RawPower Jesus as in Revelations from Barcelona Since: Aug, 2009
Jesus as in Revelations
#18: May 26th 2010 at 8:47:12 AM

Maybe this is a case of Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?, but why the secrecy?

I was thinking of an episodic, Cowboy Bebop, Perpetual Poverty formula in which they try and fail to accumulate enough money to emigrate to Europe, perhaps even Scandinavia.

Hm, a Tuareg in the Arctic. Why am I laughing?

...

Wait a minute, did we melt the Arctic or not? Is it still inhabited by Inuits or not?

edited 26th May '10 8:54:51 AM by RawPower

'''YOU SEE THIS DOG I'M PETTING? THAT WAS COURAGE WOLF.Cute, isn't he?
DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#19: May 26th 2010 at 2:29:33 PM

Episodic, eh? That sounds good. I like the perpetual poverty idea. I was just thinking in terms of an origin story, why the characters got together in the first place. That doesnt have to be an episode, however, just part of the backstory. So what are your thoughts concerning the first episode?

Oh, and I got the impression that you didnt want a post-apocalypse, just a scenario where the world is in a period of extreme economic consolidation. So, the arctic is still there (or we'll have a lot bigger probs than the collapse of a few nation states).

Gotta go, now that I am at home, I must go and open the links in the stripperiffic thread....

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.
DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#20: May 29th 2010 at 6:58:23 PM

Sorry for the delay, I downloaded a rogue scareware on my PC yesterday. I lost all my files, including the character notes I had. Starting over now. This is the mercenary character. A scene from later in the story. Hope you like:

The man she had come to meet, here in the abandoned airfield, seemed surprised to see it was her. "Nadeeda? You’re alive? Oh well, now it will be easy to kill you.”

Suddenly the side of his head exploded. A voice in her ear: “It is a trap. Two men, armed, moving in on your right. Vehicles are approaching from behind you.”

Since bin Dualin was on the ridge to her left, there was only one way to go, which was forward. Leaping over the still twitching body she sprinted for the stack of fuel cells next to the airstrip. Shouting into her mouthpiece: “Change of plan! Abort! Warm up the plane!”

A feminine voice in her ear this time: “That will take at least a minute. Hold off as long as you can.”

Motorized sounds from behind her. Standing behind the stacked crates, looking back the way she had come, Nadeeda saw a car and a truck come around the corner of the admin building. The saw her as well, and sped up. Sweeping aside her shawl, she brought up her weapon. Though anyone might have expected her to be concealing something under there, not everyone would have expected it to be an RPG. A flash and hiss, and the front of the leading car exploded, flipping it over end, both occupants flying. ‘Vip Vip’ sounds scattered men from the truck behind, as they unloaded and fired back at the unseen sniper, seemingly in random directions.

She sprinted back the way she had come. One of the ones who had been flung from the car was lying there, bloody limbs akimbo, but alive. It was Rashid, the militia leader. She drew her pistol and held it before his face. “You might still live, if a medical team can get here quickly enough. Who paid you to do this?” He merely stared at her. “Your elders didn’t ask you to ambush me, some corporation did. Who are you fronting for? Which company? Was it mine? WAS IT MINE?”

He spoke past bloody froth “If I die today a martyr, I will live forever in paradise, and you will die a whore. Leave me.”

She stared at him for a moment. “You think you are going to paradise? And if I die in battle today, what do I get?”

“An eternity in hell.”

She stood up. “He’s my Allah too, asshole.” Looking at him over her pistol, she fired.

She turned and sprinted back toward the airstrip. Bullets zipped past her, bin Dualin’s, the militiamen, she couldn’t tell. The light plane was taxiing before her. The voice again: “I’m taking fire. Also I’m taking off, with you or without you.” She ran hard, gained the door, levered herself inside. Ruby glanced at her from over her shoulder “Strap yourself in if you can!” The plane seemingly took off straight up. Nadeeda was looking at a bullet hole in the windscreen as she pulled herself into the seat beside Ruby, who seemed to be enjoying herself. “Tell your boyfriend down there that I’ve detected a drone nearby.”

“Cat? Rudy says there’s a drone in the area. Take measures.”

“Affirmative.” You’re welcome, she thought.

My boyfriend? You’re the one he wants to sleep with.”

“Yes, but he actually likes you. Oh, and hang on, because it seems to be coming after us.”

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.
RawPower Jesus as in Revelations from Barcelona Since: Aug, 2009
Jesus as in Revelations
#21: May 31st 2010 at 6:18:28 PM

Written action sequences utterly confuse me. Is she The Engineer?

That Pre-Mortem One-Liner was awesome. In context.

'''YOU SEE THIS DOG I'M PETTING? THAT WAS COURAGE WOLF.Cute, isn't he?
DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#22: May 31st 2010 at 7:30:13 PM

She's the mercenary. The pilot's the engineer. Two to go.

edited 31st May '10 7:32:03 PM by DeMarquis

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.
RawPower Jesus as in Revelations from Barcelona Since: Aug, 2009
Jesus as in Revelations
#23: Jun 1st 2010 at 6:09:55 AM

What if we make the mercenary an Meme Reciter? It could be fun. Let me try:

-I will not speak. Paradise awaits me- the downed gunman said. -Leave me, you are wasting your time.

Her face split in a vicious, toothy grin  *

, but her eyes only expressed deep, dispassionate contempt: "Wrong!"-she corrected him, viciously jamming her gun into his mouth, breaking an incisive or two in the process (What did it matter?). In a soft sneer, she said: -"Tonight, you dine, in Hell!". The ensuing sound would have seemed, to the inexperienced ear (or the cinema-experienced) like that of a mere firecrakcer, and the smell of gunpowder and grilled meat flattered her sines. For an unwise instant, she lingered on the scene, wiping her weapon clean with professional satisfaction, and a disapproving look. Professional negociators knew better than to break agreements in such a sloppy way. Had it been her organising this, she smugly mused, she would have made sure the victim would have no choice but in how to die, and that would be if she was feeling merciful. However, such charitable thoughts were soon to be interruped by the arrival of [[ Cue The Vehicles ]], proving that God can show mercy when he feels like it[[  *:

Oh my God... It made sense while I was writing it, but I don't know if a Lemony Narrator and a Revy expy can mesh all that well... Also.. was that over the top? I can never tell.

And yes, I have footnote fever. Do you think I should temper it, or is it good this way? Or should I optimize its use?

edited 2nd Jun '10 12:12:27 PM by RawPower

'''YOU SEE THIS DOG I'M PETTING? THAT WAS COURAGE WOLF.Cute, isn't he?
DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#24: Jun 2nd 2010 at 2:43:47 PM

Well, here's the deal with pop-cultural references. I find them extremely hard to write well (and apparently so does everyone else). Unless you have a lot of media erudition and native wit (and, frankly, I have neither) you end up coming across as a Tarantino wannabe (and I hate Tarantino wannabes). Plus, it's almost impossible to stop the references from spreading like weeds and resulting in Reference Overdosed.

Generally, I feel that if you have a story to tell, tell the story. Unless the story is really about pop culture, which is how Tarantino gets away with it. I was under the impression that this was about exploring the results of mankind's foolish exploitation of the planet at a personal level. I was kind of heading toward Dune without the super-powers. Think about it: Electrical power as spice, Sandcrawlers as cool tech, a secretly expanding population of nomads leading to a shift in the balance of power.

But it can also be about surviving in a wild, lawless world. That's cool too.

As for Black Lagoon, the parallels are obvious (so you want your author avatar to be Rock, eh? Paired with a Revy character? Do we detect a little wish fulfillment? S'kay) however, one big difference is that in BL, there is really no basis for a shared set of moral values, and a lot of the plots address that. But in this story there is: everyone is Muslim. So, in theory at least, any character can call out any other character for not living up to the ideals they are all supposed to share. And no villan, no matter how big or bad, can afford to cackle evilly and say "You true believers are so naive!" He'd be asking for a shitload of trouble that way.

Thoughts?

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.
DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#25: Jun 2nd 2010 at 3:15:28 PM

Oh, and I meant to say that your writing was pretty good. "God can show mercy when he feels like it" Nice.

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.

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