FATAL

What Desertopia said. Also, come on, of course there were no ST Ds in the middle ages. Everyone knows ST Ds didn't exist until the start of the gay rights movement.

No, they started with the Vicorian age.

I can't stop! It's like a trainwreck in slow motion, but even funnier!

Creating a Character

Guess I was wrong. There's not much in this section so far. They do suggest creating a character using the character generator on their website. I think I'll do that. Since http://fatalgames.com/ seems to have made some changes (click the link) I'll use Web Archive.

Hm. Apparently I need to buy it, even though the book says it's free. I also need Excel in order to use it. I use the Windows 7 RC, so I doubt such an old piece of software would even run right. Besides, I can't even find it online. So that's shot. I have a d20 and at least one coin, so I might be able to make a character manually. I'll do that once we get into the character generation section.

Mean System

I'll just copy from the book here. I think it explains it better than I could summarize it. I'm not good at summarizing things, anyway.  ^*

"The Mean System is the set of mechanics behind F.A.T.A.L. — the gaming engine, if you will. A realistic game should have realistic game mechanics. The Mean System was created for this purpose.

Although the Mean System is based on mathematics and statistics, the players do not need to understand the mechanics to use them. The Mean System is realistic, but also simple to use.

The most common aspects of the Mean System are the normal curve, mean, and standard deviation, though parabolic curve-fitting and trigonometric functions have been incorporated as well.

A mean game needs a mean system. Enjoy the most simple and sophisticated mechanics in the industry. Enjoy F.A.T.A.L."

I'm not sure if there's anything I could add here.

Warning

And here's the juicy part. First there's the rather obvious statement that this game is for adults. I think I've figured that out by now. Also, I'm 17 so wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Next they state that yes, this game does contain obscenity. Of course they justify it by saying it's historical. Here's another great line. "Most of the rules of the game avoid obscenity. For example, it is possible to determine a character's manhood, not cock, or vaginal depth, not cunt depth. However, the greatest concentration of obscenity is in Appendix 3: Random Magical Effects, and is intended for humorous effect." I can't wait to get to that section!

The next paragraph talks about sex. Of course they justify it by saying it's historical. In fact, they use the exact same line as before- just with obscenity replaced with sex! Also, you don't have to calculate the size of your genitalia. Apparently that's optional. Nice to know.

The next paragraph talks about violence. Of course they justify it by saying it's historical. In fact, they use the exact same line as before- just with sex replaced with killing! They also warn that there's a lot of gore. No, not like Mortal Kombat. Like Dwarf Fortress. According to the review rebuttal I linked, you can get hit in the belly button. Not even Kingdom Of Loathing lets you get hit in the belly button! (I think.)

So the last paragraph was about violence, and the one before that was about sex. So, guess what this paragraph's going to be about?

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!

Once more, they play the historical accuracy card. In fact, they cite a book on rape in medieval Europe! Well, it's called "Medieval Prostitution", but they cite its statistics on rape. As a side note, here's the book on Amazon. Just in case anyone's willing to spend cash to satisfy your morbid curiosity. According to the FATAL sourcebook, the author estimated that "half of the male youth participate in at least one gang rape, and that sexual violence is an everyday dimension of community life." I need to read that book. I'm a bit afraid to, but I just want to know just how the hell he came to that conclusion. Maybe my local library has it.

The section goes to say that things like rape, brothels, molestation and other kinky things do in fact exist in mythology and that you should accept it. Well, they do in Greek mythology. This is them playing the "historical accuracy" card once again. This is all just a disclaimer, but it really does seem like this is a game about rape.

Well, to be fair you can go through the game without a single sexual encounter. That's like saying you can go through Postal without killing anybody. Technically true, but it's not what you came for. (Presumably, anyways.)

Well, that's the intro. Stay tuned for the meat of the book!

edited 6th Sep '09 2:36:16 AM by JBridge

...parabolic curves...? Trigonometry? Really?

Once again, Tzetze, somewhere on this wiki there is (or used to be) a line saying that having sex in this game involves solving quadratic equations. Are you really that sure it was a lie at this point?

Welcome to the greatest game ever made! You are far braver than I. I probably would've made it this far and then deleted it with extreme prejudice.

From Horrible.Traditional Games:

*FATAL: Hands down, the all-time reigning champion of horrible RP Gs; it is difficult to imagine that something so vile was crafted by human hands. Nine hundred agonizing pages of poor mechanics, a massive number of ill-defined stats, and many, many violations of common sense and decency, all of which was sold as historically and mythically accurate. For those of you who absolutely must know what's in this game, the (extremely hilarious but also extremely NSFW, though text-only) review of FATAL is here. There's also an article on F.A.T.A.L. at That Other Wiki. It handily dethroned Synnibarr for the title of Worst Role-Playing Game In The Universe and is still the reigning undefeated champion. The definitive example of how atrocious the system is lies in something the review somehow missed: to calculate the results of sex, one must solve quadratic equations.

• The icing on the horrible cake? Check out the 'rebuttal' to the above review by the FATAL creators. They are unable to grasp the disgusting nature of what they created and truly believe that an RPG with a wang-size fixation and entire dice rolls devoted to pissing should be embraced as mainstream entertainment. Sample quote:

—Darren: "So, basically, FATAL is the date rape RPG." —Hall: "Another faulty conclusion drawn by Darren. Where is dating included?"

edited 6th Sep '09 8:51:11 AM by Tzetze

It's bad because you have to solve equations?

In addition, many unrelated sections have sexual elements added - for example, every cultural section for one of the player races includes some mention of their sexual habits and many spells have sexual or scatalogical effects either as an intentional effect or the result of a spell backfiring. Most notoriously the spell "Have her cadaver" makes a woman's corpse appear alive but unconscious, and "the most common reason for casting is copulation[15]." The critical damage tables also have extensive rules for damage to characters' genitals and the resulting sexual consequences.

I could go on forever, trust me. This is 900 pages long. That's why we're all feeling sorry for J Bridge.

Tzetze: Don't forget the long list of racial stereotypes as items!

I don't want to put more, I'll interfere with J Bridge's analysis. Just check the Wikipedia article.

Wicked: That last post of yours needs a pothole.

Wicked223:It's bad because you have to solve equations?

Complex formulas aren't really amenable to a smooth playing experience, no.

Also, there's what those equations represent.

(I do hope my comments aren't putting you off from this J Bridge; I'm actually enjoying this so far & looking forward to your look at the meat of the book.)

So here's the meat of the book. Let's see how horrid these rules really are.

Chapter 1: Race and Gender

The race chart lists about twenty races, and you roll a d100 to pick which one you are. Say, if you roll 01, you're an Anakim. 02-16, you're a Bugbear. 17-19, you're a black dwarf. 20, a brown dwarf. 21, a white dwarf. And so on and so forth. Nice to see that they're subverting Our Dwarves Are All the Same. To roll a d100, you roll a d10 twice. I have a d20, so I'll just ignore the tens digit. Let's see what I come up with.

63. Apparently that means I'm a Kobold. Not sure how well a Kobold would play, but fine. The dice rule in this realm. Also, Kobolds apparently make up about %20 of the overall population.

Something else they care to mention is that each race tends to behave a certain way. Players can deviate from this, but "caution must be observed." Not entirely sure what they mean there. Oh well.

There's also a drawing of all the races in the game. They're all nude. Why, I'm not sure. Is there a specific reason for them to be nude? Also, the human female is the only one attempting to cover herself. Another thing to note is that FATAL Kobolds are apparently a lot different than D&D Kobolds. D&D Kobolds are small, lizard creatures. FATAL Kobolds are pretty much humans, but a little shorter.

Races

Anakim are the offspring of a human and a cacodemon.

This thing?◊

OK, probably not. Anyway, an Anakim is a half-demon. It explains that an Anakim is a half-demon with an incubus father, and a Cambion is a half-demon with a succubus mother. Both are cacodemons.

I also looked up Anakim on Wikipedia. Here's what I got.

Basically, Anakim are strong, big,  ^*

You also have to roll for ten effects that will apply to your character should you play an Anakim. There's one hundred possible effects in the table. Just for fun, let's roll some up.

• 22: The Anakim has a %2 chance of waking with bloodthirst. If so, then the Anakim must murder a creature and drink its blood within 24 hours. If the Anakim fails its bloodthirst, then all character within 1d100 feet will dream that night that the Anakim dismembers them and eats them.
• 01: The Anakim has absolute odds of reproduction. If male, then the Anakim will impregnate any female with whom he copulates. If female, then the Anakim will become pregnant by any male with whom she copulates.
• 39: The Anakim may cast Force Slumber once per day. Casting requires no chant, ingredient, or ritual.
• 16: The Anakim suffers 1d10 LP of damage on contact with holy water.
• 06: The Anakim is cannibalistic, and eating vegetables will induce vomiting.
• 26: The Anakim is angered easily. Any attempt to intimidate this Anakim will result in the Anakim attacking with the intent to kill unless they pass a Drive check at TH 22.
• 12: The Anakim's veins are all visible near the surface of their skin, causing penalties of 1d10 to both Bodily Attractiveness and Facial Charisma.
• 71: The Anakim has skin that reduces damage due to electricity by 50%. The skin does not seem abnormal when examined.
• 68: The Anakim may turn a handful of rocks into an equivalent weight in silver pieces once per week.
• 38: The Anakim has abnormal hatred for humans. Whenever within 1d100 feet of one, the Anakim must pass a Drive sub-ability check at TH 17 or attack with the intent to kill.
• 08: The Anakim causes babies to scream when present. If the Anakim touches a screaming baby, then the baby is 75% likely to urinate, 50% likely to defecate, and 25% likely to vomit. Thereafter, the Anakim may touch the child without such an occurrence for 1 day.
• 36: The Anakim is always accompanied by the gathering of 1d10 black birds near and above them.

This guy's life must be hell.

Again, there's about 20 races. We want to make a character, so I'll skip right to Kobolds.

Kobolds

Apparently Kobolds are smallish people (4' 6" for males) who have silvery skin. Because of this, they love silver and will do anything to get it. They usually operate mines. They don't work in them, just operate them. They have slaves do the dirty stuff. They prefer humans for some reason. Slaves are made to never stand, because this means the Kobolds will always be above them.

Nice people!

Unfortunately, the game doesn't have any tables for the Kobolds like it does for the Anakim. I guess we'll have to put our guy aside for now.

I think I'll stop here. Next time: Racial Hatred!

edited 7th Sep '09 1:51:34 AM by JBridge

D&D 2nd. edition actually had a random (optional) table for tiefling effects. You could get everything from totally useless stuff to "Immune to normal weapons" depending on the luck of the dice.

Actually, "Immune to non-magical weapons" is on the Anakim table. I would have loved that! Instead, I make babies cry. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

You are a far, far, far better man than us. I salute you, sir.

Not really. I just happen to enjoy horrible things. See my title for more info.

Racial Hatred

There's a lot of 5s on this chart. Kinda justified, since a lot of the races are things like trolls, ogres, and bugbears. Still, people generally hate anybody that's not their own race. Humans get along with elves and dwarves, though.

Racial Slurs

You've got to give it to these guys- they're through. A bit too thorough. They have a short list of racial slurs. Here's some of the funnier ones.

• Human women call male anakim Skinloaf or Stovepiper(due to their Manhood  ^*
  ^{Yes, they capitalized that.}
  )
• Humans call Bugbears Buggers.
• Kobolds call dwarves Fatties.
• Ogres call humans Ribbers. (Human ribs taste so good.)

Gender

Men and women get equal and opposite bonuses, though. For example, men get +5% Physique: Strength, while women get -5%. Conversely, women get +5% Wisdom: Intuition while men get -5%.

Sorry guys, but it's bed time for me. I'm on page 37 right now. This isn't so much for your benefit as it is mine- I might forget where I am. So yeah. G'night!

Are there any tables about what can happen in your sleep?

I'll do a Ctrl + F. Be back in a bit.

Well, there's a lot of spells that are performed on a sleeping person. There's also a few that cause insomnia and some that cause hypersomnia.

Ooh! Just found a spell called "Wet Dream". Guess what it does.

Also, the article on the game needs a ton of cleaning up. Right now it pretty much says "This game sucks and you suck if you think otherwise."

edited 8th Sep '09 1:25:18 AM by JBridge

Solving quadratic equations in order to simulate performing acts of intimacy is almost So Bad, It's Good. Of course, it only took about another post for your description of the game to exhaust that questionable charm.

edited 8th Sep '09 3:14:03 PM by Nornagest

Actually, that would make for some interesting edutainment. The problem is of course, that the player would get frustrated and go off to find porn that didn't require high-level thought.

edited 8th Sep '09 8:14:16 PM by JBridge

You're going to love the random spell effect section.

One of the random effects turns your mouth into an anus

I have no anus and I must scream!

Hmmm... I seemed to have missed the boat.

Well, I posted something here, but I can always copy-paste it back over here.

Oh, I remember actually reading it too... Bile Fascination / Nightmare Fetishist, whatever.

Ummm... the largest impression I got was... tables. Way too many tables for things they don't even need. Where there wasn't tables, there were wide open blank spaces where they just didn't care to put anything in there.

Oh, and you randomly roll for just about everything, not just the stats. So you have like a 30% chance of being a slave, 60% chance of being a lower class working sod, and a 1% chance of being in the royal family.

There are about 12 adventuring classes, and about 200 classes for things like hair stylists or a barber or a hair waxer (all different jobs!) a hat maker or a strip dancer or a prostitute. Every job gains experience based on different things, so to level up as a barber, you have to cut 2000 heads of hair. FUN!

Oh, and it calls itself a "realisitc" portrayal of the middle ages, but it could not be more obviously based solely on the Roman Empire. And it's based on a really, really bad portrayal of the Roman Empire, playing up only it's most misogynistic legends as fact.

And that's not even getting into the fact that you can buy human slaves for less money than it takes to buy a goat, but there are "Shields of Semen" that will force a female character to become pregnant with weapons that effectively chestburst, and can be sold for significantly more money than a female slave can be purchased for. ECONOMICS!

Actually, the racism was probably added on just to make the game more "controversial". It seems more-or-less to be a cycnical ploy to get more people to at least look at a game book that is 300 pages long, of which 200 pages are tables of die rolls, of which any given table is likely to appear about 30 times in different places in the same book. To restate it, racism was a selling point to get people past it's obvious incompleteness and unweildiness. So Yeah.