@Sinclair and The Nobody: Well with Cygan on the case when it comes to the grammer (you are defenitatly better at pointing stuff out), I guess I'll stick to what I do best, asking questions and for clarifications ^_^.
Hyped for Hyperdimension Neptunia V 2
Both things are important. While Cygan is the Grammar Nazi, you are the 5-year-old for our writing.
edited 17th Jun '11 10:10:16 AM by Sinclair
Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.
I just know I asked for that. Anyway two things. One, do you still need any ideas for a device for Negi and Kotaro (or for anyone else)? And two, an appoligy. Last year I sent a PM to you about lightning Negi and Sonic Mode Fate when you didn'task for it. I was having a moment of temporary insanity and learned that you should not get on Tvtropes after taking a 2 hour nap. So I would like to appoligies about that.
That was a compliment.
Your suggestions for barrier jackets are quite good. As for Negi, I'm still considering if he should get a separate device or a support one, like Vivio. I've always envisioned him as a sword-staff combo fighter.
There's nothing to apologize for. That was actually an interesting bit of info, and if we can confirm it, might prove very important in the story. It's rather me who should apologize for never answering that pm.
edited 17th Jun '11 12:20:29 PM by Sinclair
Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.
Well thank you for the compliment.
The Shin Lightning Form Theory, like I said earlier, came to me after waking up from a 2 hour nap. I checked the charcter page on this wiki and it only mentions a defense drop when she mode changes. I'll check the other wiki and see if it says anything but I doubt it.
Logicly speaking the theory makes some sense. Although the bones part may have been wrong (don't organs fail first before bones crack under extream G forces). If I find anything, I'll post it. Edit: Yup the Nanoha Wiki doesn't say anything abount another weakness with Shin Sonic Form. Guess it's a WMG theroy at best.
One more thing. I just looked back at the list of where all the Negima characters at and I just noticed one was missing. Where the heck is Chamo?
edited 17th Jun '11 12:32:43 PM by mega-dark
Hyped for Hyperdimension Neptunia V 2
Under high G-forces, one would first suffer breathing problems, then a blackout or red-out. If that doesn't kill you, under prolonged exposure blood vessels start rupturing. Of course the more extreme the force, the more severe and quicker the effects.
That little weasel!
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I doubt Fate would fight Negi at Super Sonic Speeds long enough for that happen. And I doubt Bardiche would let her get close to that happening either. Well back to WMG board.
In case anyone was wondering whether the Doorstop was a deadfic, Chapter 44 is complete. Now working on Chapter 45. As a teaser, here's the opening of 44. Be warned, it's Chaos-centric, so expect a slight modicum of creepiness.
Monolithic spacecraft filled the sky, impossibly vast bolts of green lightning leaping from their crescent-shaped hulls to scour the ground far below. A silver tide swept over the land, impassive, skull-faced warriors cutting down all in their path. Frozen images leapt out at him from the carnage – here, an isolated squad of soldiers was overrun, their mouths opening and faces contorting in wordless, terrified shrieks as a swarm of gleaming metal insects dragged them away, there, a family was caught in the beams of the invaders’ weapons, the unearthly energies stripping away first skin, then flesh, then bone. Throughout it all, not a sound could be heard, as if some grotesquely vivid silent film was being played out for his entertainment.
Instead, his ears were filled with the screaming of three voices – voices belonging to people he had known and cared about for half his life. He raced through a maze of endless, subterranean tunnels, the final, chaotic hours of his world flashing before his eyes as the agonised wailing grew ever-louder.
There was light ahead – dull, dead, and devoid of warmth. The screams had stopped, leaving only quiet, broken sobs. He couldn’t tell who was making them, what state they were in, or even whether all of them were still alive.
He reached the surface, the tunnel floor spreading out into a wide, rocky plain. There was no sign of life, let alone the sources of the screams that had lured him here.
That was not to say that there was no movement, though.
Metal gleamed all around him, thousands upon thousands of elongated, inhuman rictus-masks underlit by the vile green glow of their weapons’ focusing chambers. More were gathering with every moment, their sculpted faces staring at him impassively. There was blood on some of them – on their feet, their clawed hands, their polished silver armour. As ever, there was no indication of where it had come from.
A shadow crept over them, shroud-like, silent as a cloud but far more regular in shape. The enemy fleet’s flagship had arrived, a nine-kilometre-long crescent that moved with a murderous, alien grace. Gauss-lightning crackled across the spires, pyramids, and other, more bizarre geometric structures jutting from the ship’s underside in nonsensical, patternless patterns, pristine and anarchically elegant despite the best efforts of the planet’s few remaining defence guns.
He had seen this massive tomb-craft at the forefront of the invasion, long strips of armour peeling from its hull as the defenders’ orbital batteries pumped enough fire into it to liquefy continents. It hadn’t taken it long to repair the damage – minutes at most. Then the human guns were out of ammunition, and thousands of fragile, mortal human crewmen (plus millions of slightly less fragile cyborg-clones and daemons) found out the hard way that fleets big enough to soak up an entire solar system’s worth of firepower and keep coming tended to be exactly as heavily-armed as they were durable.
Something was descending from the belly of the ship, a point of darkness, a shadow within the shadow. As one, the immortal soldiers surrounding him lifted their heads to gaze upon it, the distant corpse-lights in the hollow sockets of their eyes flaring with recognition. The voices were starting again – faint, indistinct, clawing at the back of his mind.
The dark figure above unfolded, all flapping, cloudy robes of woven night and dull, rippling metal skin. Its yellow eyes bored into his own, pits of smouldering insanity as old as the universe, and he tugged his gaze away, shaking and quivering uncontrollably.
It was not that he had felt fear in that moment, though he had – sheer primal terror that would stop a mortal’s heart and burn into the minds of his descendants for a dozen generations. He had felt something worse, something new. For the first time in his few decades of life, the boy who had become a god, the man who had shaped the destiny of universes... felt total insignificance.
The whispers rose in pitch and volume, becoming screams once more, and he lashed out, a blast of power melting every alien warrior within eight kilometres before surging towards the silent reaper above. There was a gleam of metal, a slight suggestion of a blade being drawn from the depths of its robe... and then the wall of coruscating energy smashed into it, leaving nothing behind as it forged onwards and shattered the gigantic battleship into a billion tiny fragments.
The screaming had stopped. Everything was silent. He took a slow, careful step forwards, wondering why his legs felt so wobbly, and then something started sliding wetly and he thudded, face-first, into the ground.
That was when the second blow from the scythe took off most of the fingers on his right hand.
An invisible force lifted him into the air, flipping him over before slamming him back into the ground. The cloaked figure was right above him, silent and inexorable as death itself. It reached out with the scythe, the blade losing its razor-edge to become something broader and blunter, before punching into his torso. His eyes widened and he tried to scream, but no sound came out. He could see the ends of his severed legs. They were half a metre away, bleeding gently into the dirt.
The colossal alien had sharpened its blade again, using it to idly carve abstract patterns into his chest as its other hand reached towards him. The voices gibbered half-comprehensibly, louder with every fresh burst of pain from his tormentor’s weapon. There was nothing he could do. Limbless, agonised, he could not even muster the concentration for another useless psychic blast. The gigantic, clawed hand came closer. There was something dangling from it. A piece of skin. An eye, as blue as the day she had stepped onto the deck of the carrier, fourteen years old, the same age as him, her yellow dress flapping in the crosswind...
Tzintchi of the Nine Fingers woke up screaming, sobbing, and covered in sweat, his form shifting agitatedly around the edges as he hyperventilated into his bedsheet. A strong, gentle pair of arms embraced him, pulling him against a warm, soft female body as a hand stroked his hair.
“It’s all right, Shinji. I’m here, you’re safe, it’s all right...”
His breathing slowed, some faint measure of awareness beginning to return as the nightmare receded. “Ma... ma?”
“That’s right,” Mislaato replied soothingly. “Mama’s here.”
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She definitely can perform a Flash Step. See her battle with Signum.
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I wasn't talking about Sonic the Hedgehog like speeds, I'm talking about airforce speed. But now that you mention it...
Fate staired at her daughter as magic continued to pour out of her. Vivio was leaking so much magic that it created a yellow aura around her. Seven relics of different colors hovered around her as non existent stars blinked in and out of existence. Fate signed before speaking.
"Vivio, have you been playing video games again?"
"...Yes mama."
edited 17th Jun '11 2:44:18 PM by mega-dark
Hyped for Hyperdimension Neptunia V 2![]()
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So, R...R...that Smug Snake strategist chick whose name I can't remember is going to be in this battle, right?
It's plausible that it was a monastery. Many monasteries were circular- it made walking meditation easier.
It's very difficult to determine someone's exact age. You can guess with one or two years' margin for error, but it would probably be best to just say "most of them in their mid-teens, some of them older and some appearing to be younger."
Also, little grammatical note- there's more than one person, so that should read "ages", not "age".
Spelling out that the "roof" was fake is a bit... unnecessary. You could have put "overhead" down just as easily, and left the reader to draw their own inferences.
"addressees" is the proper descriptive noun for this.
Both the full stop there and the break in the dialogue flow tell us there was a pause. Unless it's significant and is there for plot reasons, I'd suggest just dropping that.
"Was going into shock". "Had a shock" implies that he was electrocuted, or that he had a bit of a scare.
Furthermore... Shock
is a circulatory condition that is caused by rapid blood loss. You may mean Acute Stress Reaction?
This is often called "shock", but the two do differ, and as it's Konoka, I expect she'd know the difference.
Awkward phrasing. "But it seemed to stretch on for far longer"?
Apart from all that, it's a good first chapter.
The scenes were disjointed, leading to a bit of confusion, though.
There are too many toasters in my chimney!Furthermore... Shock is a circulatory condition that is caused by rapid blood loss. You may mean Acute Stress Reaction? This is often called "shock", but the two do differ, and as it's Konoka, I expect she'd know the difference.
Mental Shock would work just as well. As long as it's differentiated from regular Shock. It will help show that Konoka knows the basics, for one.
As to the confusion- I got that that was the case. I was nothing a second readthrough didn't fix, and I suspect the second chapter will clear up the little things I didn't understand.
It was still confusing though.
There are too many toasters in my chimney!Take this as a chance to improve.
By the way, I just noticed that the first part of your name does contain a letter G. Is this derived from a Latin word for swans, or from a Slavic word for Roma?
edited 18th Jun '11 4:24:02 AM by TheNobody
Rather than smart, I'd prefer to be wise. It would let me be silly more often.Yes.
Just keep writing, and I'll point out mistakes as I find them.
It is a Polish proper noun. It means Gypsy, and carries the implication that the person is a liar, a trickster and a deceiver. It fits perfectly with Angel, meaning "truthful messsenger". Roughly, my name means "Messenger who conveys truth through deception."
There are too many toasters in my chimney!

edited 23rd Sep '13 1:42:49 PM by doineedaname