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Iaculus Pronounced YAK-you-luss from England Since: May, 2010
Pronounced YAK-you-luss
#176: Jun 16th 2011 at 8:51:57 AM

Also, Subaru shrugs off an anti-tank round in Sound Stage X without a scratch. Bear in mind that she's a B-ranked mage who was not relying on shields at the time - the basic protection afforded by her Barrier Jacket did all the work. In the same work, it was shown that Erio is fast enough to dodge bullets with ease - and, indeed, deflect bullets that weren't aimed at him in the first place.

That should say a lot about how Nanohaverse mages can handle unaugmented kinetic weaponry.

What's precedent ever done for us?
mega-dark Moe Game Console from Planeptune Since: Feb, 2010 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Moe Game Console
#177: Jun 16th 2011 at 8:58:39 AM

Here are the Sound Stage Sinclair for referense.

Hyped for Hyperdimension Neptunia V 2
CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#178: Jun 16th 2011 at 9:25:03 AM

I have always wondered if the Barrier Jackets did not work along similar lines as bulletproof vests.

That is, dispersing the force of the impact over the entire armour, not just the point of impact.

If so, you would need an incredible amount of force to damage a Mage like that.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
Sinclair Scriptor Referens from Deep Space Since: Jan, 2001
Scriptor Referens
#179: Jun 16th 2011 at 9:41:25 AM

For reference, you might want to look at how little damage a Mage takes from the explosions caused by the magical attacks. That might be a starting point.
The problem here is that said explosions usually produce a lot of pyrotechnics, but do little actual damage to the surroundings (need to verify this).

I have always wondered if the Barrier Jackets did not work along similar lines as bulletproof vests.

That is, dispersing the force of the impact over the entire armour, not just the point of impact.

If so, you would need an incredible amount of force to damage a Mage like that.

Yes, this also stays in stark contrast with the following quote:
A magical civilization, as cleaner and safer, was recommended.
Emphasis mine. While protection of a barrier jacket might be orders of magnitude higher than typical armor, the power of individuals is also exponentially higher, and buildings are about as resistant to damage as they are on Earth.

Here are the Sound Stage Sinclair for referense.
Thanks. I'll read them, but as said, I'll probably regard them as non-canon (seeing how many different versions there are to the three base seasons storyline...).

Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.
mega-dark Moe Game Console from Planeptune Since: Feb, 2010 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Moe Game Console
#180: Jun 16th 2011 at 10:28:28 AM

[up]I think the only sound stages that you may want to pay attention to are the one conserning Ixpellia (Strikers Sound Stage X). But you could always say that she slept through all the of the events of Return to Mahora considering the fact that she could be asleep anywhere between one year to one thousand years.

edited 16th Jun '11 11:01:56 AM by mega-dark

Hyped for Hyperdimension Neptunia V 2
Sinclair Scriptor Referens from Deep Space Since: Jan, 2001
Scriptor Referens
#181: Jun 16th 2011 at 1:01:13 PM

[up]I have several ideas regarding her (anything from a mere mention to a Plot Coupon/McGuffin to full-blown interactions). Not sure yet what I'll choose.

I've re-watched a couple of fights in the series to determine what relatively novice mages are capable of withstanding.

  • In the second episode of TOS, the Jewel Seed monster uproots a tree and later smashes a hole in the street's concrete paving, with large slabs sticking out of it, before attacking Nanoha under Protection. This seems similar to what a hammer would do rather than explosives.
  • In the first two episodes of A's Nanoha gets thrown into a building through a window with enough force to crack a wall. Later, Signum blows Fate through the roof of a building. She is mostly unscathed. It was just the roof and not several floors, see the overhead shot just before Fate launches again.
  • In Striker S, both Graff Eisen's ultimate attack and Ginga/Subaru use large force applied to a tiny area to break through shielding/armor. Earlier, Teana's blade manages to break through both Nanoha's shield and/or barrier jacket and actually injure her.
In both cases we see that large force being applied over a wide area is easily blocked/dissipated by the shield and/or barrier jacket, but that same force applied over a tiny area is enough to break through them. A good example here is Subaru first punching Ginga's shields, which didn't work, and then specifically narrowing her hand into a point as much as possible, which did.

I'm reading through the Sound Stage, trying to determine the nature of the round that hit Subaru. If it was explicitly stated as anti-armor, it still leaves the question of what type of round it was: a kinetic penetrator, or a shaped charge. This is important, as while the first tries to pierce you with a rather large needle, the second sprays molten metal on you.

edited 16th Jun '11 1:51:12 PM by Sinclair

Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.
doineedaname from Eastern US Since: Nov, 2010
#182: Jun 16th 2011 at 1:27:23 PM

edited 23rd Sep '13 1:42:22 PM by doineedaname

Sinclair Scriptor Referens from Deep Space Since: Jan, 2001
Scriptor Referens
#183: Jun 16th 2011 at 2:00:11 PM

Looking closely at Nanoha's very first fight, the shield generated by Protection seems to radiate most of the energy back at the creature (causing it to blow up) rather than simply dissipating it.

@mega-dark: I believe the story description in Fanfic Recs needs an update, don't you think? wink Thanks again for putting it there in the first place.

edited 16th Jun '11 2:22:29 PM by Sinclair

Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.
mega-dark Moe Game Console from Planeptune Since: Feb, 2010 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Moe Game Console
#184: Jun 16th 2011 at 2:47:12 PM

[up]On it. However, I won't add it to the Nanoha section just yet. I'll wait for some of the main Nanoha charcters to show up before I add it to the Nanooha fanfic rec section.

Edit:Also 2 quick question. Has the resent Vivid chapter given you any ideas for when you eventually get to the tournment arc? And is Negi's ME under control in Return to Mahora or does he still have the chance of going beserk?

edited 16th Jun '11 3:00:49 PM by mega-dark

Hyped for Hyperdimension Neptunia V 2
Sinclair Scriptor Referens from Deep Space Since: Jan, 2001
Scriptor Referens
#185: Jun 16th 2011 at 4:28:28 PM

[up] The recent Vivid chapter clarified a very important bit of information. In the tournament rules it reads: "For safety reasons all participants must be equipped with a device level 3 or above." We have seen that normal bladed weapons can be used without restriction, so that means anyone from Ala Alba that wants to participate will be able to use their standard equipment, in addition to the obligatory device. It also means that if we decide to include more participants, we wouldn't have to make them all device casters.

This means that yes, you can probably look forward to a Massive Multiplayer Crossover on par with Mahora Budokai. On a side note, this is one of the reasons each chapter takes so long. We are preparing and discussing many plot details from different points in the story all at once.

According to this line from Asuna:

“You’ve almost lapsed during your last fight. I’m not going to let that happen again.”
Negi started going berserk during the last fight she saw. Note that it might have been his fight with Dynamis (during which she was taken to the altar), or his later fight with Fate. The events of the story are faithful to the manga till Ala Alba Assault, as this was the time this particular part was written. We shall leave Negi's current condition ambiguous for now, but there definitely is a possibility.

EDIT:

Although there are a few spelling errors
Let me use this opportunity to encourage everyone that finds an error to come and point it out to us. We are not omnipotent language experts, and little bugs will always seep through the cracks, no matter how much time is spent proofreading each chapter. Important note: the text is being written and spell-checked using British English.

edited 16th Jun '11 4:36:41 PM by Sinclair

Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.
CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#186: Jun 16th 2011 at 6:21:36 PM

A good example here is Subaru first punching Ginga's shields, which didn't work, and then specifically narrowing her hand into a point as much as possible, which did.

From the Nanoha Wiki:

Subaru has on occasion punctured barriers by punching them with a spinning Revolver Knuckle, then opening her hand into the barrier, causing it to shatter. She did this in Episode 1 against the boss drone, as well as in Episode 23 to puncture Ginga's barrier. On both occasions this was done to leave the target open to a direct hit by Divine Buster.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
mega-dark Moe Game Console from Planeptune Since: Feb, 2010 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Moe Game Console
#187: Jun 16th 2011 at 6:39:09 PM

[up][up]Well here are some error and/or place that could use a little expanding. Please note my english isn't the best either (even though it is my first language) but I'll try my best. Here's what I found on the opening page.

Please consult your local deities or the nearest TSAB office.

You may want to add "if you have any question." to this line. Personally it seems to me that the line kind of dropped something at the end.
befr... corrected our misconceptions

Change "corrected" to correct.
We hope that this task it will accomplish

This may be me, but that does not sound right. Here's are two possible correction, "We hope to accomplish this task." or "We hope that this tisk will be accomplished".

And that's all I found on the first page. Moving on page two.

edited 16th Jun '11 6:42:13 PM by mega-dark

Hyped for Hyperdimension Neptunia V 2
CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#188: Jun 16th 2011 at 6:46:27 PM

I will also just drop a line here, saying that I'm willing to proofread any fics you guys want looked over before you post them anywhere.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
mega-dark Moe Game Console from Planeptune Since: Feb, 2010 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Moe Game Console
#189: Jun 16th 2011 at 7:29:21 PM

[up]Here's Sinclair's story. It hasn't gotten to any of the Nanoha charcters point of view yet but it's still a good read. And with that said...

or even my earlier clash with the famed Dark Evangel, Queen of the Night herself.

I'm not sure if you ment to cut off Evangeline's name or if that is an error, but I'll still point it out just in case.
What all of them agree upon is that the term ‘magic’ efers to the act of utilising spiritual energy

Change "efers" to "refers".

And that's all I found. I did skip a few though due to the fact that I don't know British English well. I know British English uses some of the same grammer rules as American English but I also know that some rules are different.

edited 16th Jun '11 7:36:18 PM by mega-dark

Hyped for Hyperdimension Neptunia V 2
Justin_Brett Since: Jun, 2010
#190: Jun 16th 2011 at 10:03:18 PM

>As for existing stories, I found one written by Admiral Tiger Claw. MSLN Test Dummies

Yo dawg, I heard you like references, so I put a reference in your reference, and then I over-explained it!

(did I do that right)

Sinclair Scriptor Referens from Deep Space Since: Jan, 2001
Scriptor Referens
#191: Jun 17th 2011 at 1:33:43 AM

>>Please consult your local deities or the nearest TSAB office.

You may want to add "if you have any question." to this line. Personally it seems to me that the line kind of dropped something at the end.

This line was meant as a parody of "Consult your doctor before use" warnings (specifically, it was inspired by the healer's quote from Warcraft 3).

>>befr... corrected our misconceptions

Change "corrected" to correct.

If you look at it closely and drop the stutter, the whole sentence reads:
We are certain that if we were to ever claim otherwise the aforementioned individuals would have found us and (would have)swiftly corrected our misconceptions.
Perhaps this is an error on my part.

>>We hope that this task it will accomplish

This may be me, but that does not sound right. Here's are two possible correction, "We hope to accomplish this task." or "We hope that this task will be accomplished".

Again, when you drop the antiquated language, the sentences would read:
The work presented here has been written with utmost respect to the original material, only for reader's entertainment. We hope that this task(entertaining the reader) it(the work) will accomplish.
We are animizing the story here, having it accomplish the task of entertaining the person who reads it.

>> or even my earlier clash with the famed Dark Evangel, Queen of the Night herself.

I'm not sure if you ment to cut off Evangeline's name or if that is an error, but I'll still point it out just in case.

This title is actually taken from her character page on this very wiki. As quoted below:
Red Baron: Eva has dozens of different nicknames and titles, most of them being quite sinister and dangerous-sounding. Examples include: Doll/Puppet Master, Dark Evangel / Dark Gospel / Gospel of Darkness, Maga Nosferatu ("Undead/Undying Mage"), Apostle/Disciple of Calamity/Destruction, Demon King in the Form of a Child, The Advent of Evil, Demon Lord of Darkness, The Girl Queen of Darkness, Visitation of Woe, the Disciple of Dark Tomes, The Tidings of Evil, The Queen of the Night, High Daylight Walker (she only gets a little irritated by sunlight). It's quite probable this list isn't complete even now.

>>What all of them agree upon is that the term ‘magic’ efers to the act of utilising spiritual energy

Change "efers" to "refers".

Must have been a typo. Good catch.

edited 17th Jun '11 1:35:39 AM by Sinclair

Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.
CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#192: Jun 17th 2011 at 2:27:02 AM

i find myself being entirely too nitpicky towards that story.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
Sinclair Scriptor Referens from Deep Space Since: Jan, 2001
Scriptor Referens
#193: Jun 17th 2011 at 2:49:14 AM

[up]Good. Pull the strings and duct tape. Point out holes. Find cracks in logic. Go on a rampage. tongue

Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.
CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#194: Jun 17th 2011 at 2:57:20 AM

I dunno. I'm a whole like, two paragraphs in and I alrady have this:

[[grey:Time-Space Administration Bureau, head of Safety Department, Kasuga Misora.]]

This may be a quirk of Japanese writing.

But in English, this should read head of the Department of Safety. You specify what it is before you specify what it looks over.


First off:

The tone this is written in is very formal. For readers who prefer something a bit more light-hearted, or for people who prefer their works to be readily understandable without trying to understand the nuances of the story, this will be a major turn-off for them.

[[grey:It was then with huge astonishment that I realized they didn’t actually want to hear the recollection of the fight against Cosmo Entelecheia, or even my earlier clash with the famed Dark Evangel, Queen of the Night herself, but about another, relatively unknown event that took place shortly after our adventures in Mundus Magicus. I objected at first, saying that I had nowhere near the full knowledge of the events that transpired, wondering where they had heard about them in the first place, but I was assured that suitable persons were contacted for reference where I couldn’t possibly be able to provide insight.]]

This paragraph is both far too long, and contains far too much information to be made of just two sentences.

For a general reference point, if a single sentence contains more than two commas that are not serial commas, your sentence could stand to be broken into two smaller sentences.

The first bolded bit refers specifically to the unnecessary adjective here. Specifically, to the “Huge” part of the sentence. An adjective is usually used to add description to a noun or a noun phrase. “Astonishment” is itself a noun, but it’s not one you’ll usually add an adjective to, as it’s describing an emotion in and of itself. If you need to add a description to your descriptive nouns, you’re doing it wrong.

The second bolded bit refers to the awkward phrasing here. “[[grey:I had nowhere near the full knowledge of the events that transpired]]” sounds very awkward. I think replacing the phrase “Nowhere near the full knowledge of the events” with something more along the lines of “I had

Then I realized I'd typed twice the amount than the actual bit I was critiquing and stopped.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
Tikigod784 from Somewhere in Nevada Since: Mar, 2010 Relationship Status: Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
#195: Jun 17th 2011 at 2:59:22 AM

A lot of the criticism about Admiral's story was due to him "nerfing" characters, but he actually put more thought and "science" (odd as that seems in this fiction) behind his scenarios than even the creators of the show could attribute.

It's nowhere near as bad as Force, at any rate. That series reminds me far too much of Bleach/DBZ and the endless yet near-identical power-ups both series were plagued with.

CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#196: Jun 17th 2011 at 3:03:51 AM

Ehhh. What annoyed me about his story was the whole "Humans and their weaponry are totally superior to magic, nyeh~" tone of it.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
Sinclair Scriptor Referens from Deep Space Since: Jan, 2001
Scriptor Referens
#197: Jun 17th 2011 at 4:01:37 AM

This may be a quirk of Japanese writing.

But in English, this should read head of the Department of Safety. You specify what it is before you specify what it looks over.

It might be a quirk of translation, yes. Probably a confusion between Trade Department and Department of Trade.

The tone this is written in is very formal. For readers who prefer something a bit more light-hearted, or for people who prefer their works to be readily understandable without trying to understand the nuances of the story, this will be a major turn-off for them.
I know the language in the preface is antiquated and extremely formal, but we've made sure that the story proper is written with modern vocabulary and style. Let me explain the assumptions we made that led to this situation.

When we first started writing I wanted for the story to sound like memoirs of an aged professor. Think Tolkien. We've scrapped that idea quite quickly since the story would be really awkward to write in that style in its entirety, not to mention read. However, Negi is a venerable and well respected person by the time of the writing, and has at least one major published work on his resume. The preface is designed to show exactly that.

Another assumption was that we want for the beginning to remind the reader of XVII Ith century literature, complete with a long and overly complicated title, which is also an advertisment. The inspiration here was Robinson Crusoe. You can blame me for that again. wink

The long sentences serve a double purpose: first, they are designed to look and sound like aforementioned Baroque works, but they also need to introduce the reader to Ala Alba's situation at the beginning of the story. This isn't an easy task, as we had to truncate, compress and combine 300+ chapters into a few paragraphs, so the results might be awkward.

Please don't be discouraged by the first page (I must remember to add this advice to the Fanfic Recs page). The rest of the story is written in normal modern English (and several other languages for the purpose of showing the language barrier).

Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.
CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#198: Jun 17th 2011 at 4:42:10 AM

Okay.

I shall try to get around to going over the next bit soon.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
TheNobody Since: Jan, 2011
#199: Jun 17th 2011 at 6:59:48 AM

This is the point from where I start following this thead more thoroughly. Thanks for the review, Cyan Angel. As Sinclair said, whatever mistakes you find in "Return to Mahora", post them here.

Rather than smart, I'd prefer to be wise. It would let me be silly more often.
CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#200: Jun 17th 2011 at 7:07:33 AM

No worries. It's not the first fanfic I'm doing it for, so there's no worries about me losing interest, really. Not if I can continually do this for something as long as Imperfect Metamorphosis.

It's after midnight here in Australia, though, so don't expect anything for at least half a day.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!

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