It's the most wonderful time of the year! With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you, “Be of good cheer!” Except you aren't listening to them, because you've always hated the Christmas season. Well, you always hated everything, but there was something about the brightly saturated light displays, the insidious carols in constant rotation the moment Halloween ended, and the saccharinely sweet spirit that characterized the holiday season that really got under your skin.
Wait a minute… Who are you, anyways?
Your name is Michael J. Arseman, but most everyone in the neighborhood calls you “The Jackass,” and for good reason. From the moment you made your less-than-stellar introduction to the people of the Suburban Hills subdivision ten years ago, all of your neighbors have been vilifying you left and right. You hated it at first, but after a while you decided, “Fuck it. If these jackholes wanna hate me so much, I'll give them a reason to hate me!” And you did.
You always went out of your way to be mean, and the Christmas season — a season dedicated to spreading love and joy — was always when you were at your most insufferable.
Hello, and welcome to The Jerkass Chronicles! It's just the same as any other play-by-post Choose Your Own Adventure Game, except you're encouraged to be as much of a douchebag as possible! You have been given the chance to control a man who hates most everything in the world, so you better take it!
Now, the key word in the title is Lawful Evil. Arseman may be mean, but he's not straight up evil. You'll come to find over the course of the game that Mike has a well-developed (albeit pretty funky) moral code, and there's a set of boundaries he refuses to cross under any circumstances. I can't reveal all of them to you right now, but here are the ones that have been uncovered thus far:
- NO Bigotry. Racism, misogyny, queerphobia, ableism and the like are strictly off limits for obvious reasons.
- There's not much stopping you from committing acts of physical violence, but Michael outright refuses to beat up on children (under 18), the elderly (65 and older), and the physically disabled.
- Don't get too sexual. Mike loves a good dirty joke from time to time, but even suggesting the idea of sex crimes is off limits for reasons that should be obvious.
- Try to avoid deliberately hurting Tommy Baker's feelings.
- Eden Hawthorne is, like, your only friend. DO NOT jeopardize your relationship with her.
- The Grand Misgendering, a notorious Walmart microaggression, is old hat and shall never be discussed, ESPECIALLY around Eden Hawthorne.
- The following are Last Resort problem solving methods, only meant to be used when ABSOLUTELY no other options are available:
- Engaging in Karen/Daren behavior
- Blackmailing people
- Minimum wage employees already go through enough bullshit on a daily. Exercise caution when bothering them, and try not to add too much onto their load. Upper and middle managers, on the other hand...
- Don't break character when talking about online music reviewer Ryan Graham. Your hatred of him is played up for the bit, but it's a bit that's too funny to pass up.
- Some of these moral stipulations can be relaxed in scenarios where you can't directly see who it is you're interacting with (i.e. over the internet, etc.).
- If you can help it, try to be in bed by 9:30 PM.
- Given the choice to personally antagonize billionaires, take it without hesitation.
- If you aren't prepared to buy it, then don't bother breaking it.
- Any line longer than a quarter of a mile for an event that you don't already have a ticket for is a line you are NOT standing in.
Now, with that out of the way...
You sit alone, in your desolate room. No light. No music. Just a lingering sense of dread and your thoughts on how you could ruin Christmas this year. The lights are off, but a sliver of light shines in through your window, illuminating the room. In your small bedroom, there is your bed (which you are currently sitting on, a nightstand with three drawers and a lamp on top next to it, and a desk with a drawer in it, on top of which your trusty laptop sits. Your closet is built into the wall. There are no decorations in your room because decor sparks joy, and if there's one thing you loved, it was feeling miserable.
[input command]
Edited by Pogakure on Jul 22nd 2025 at 11:50:22 AM
> Sneak away from Eden towards the family.
Hunched over slightly, you tiptoe towards the family, well prepared to freak these chumps out. You tap the father on the shoulder and whisper, "Is it safe?"
"Is what safe? The restaurant?" The man replies, to which you respond with the same question, this time a little bit louder: Is it safe?"
"I couldn't imagine a safer establishment than Bosconi's, no."
"Is it safe?"
"I already told you, it's safe enough! Now please, stop pestering me!"
"Is it safe?" You inched closer to the man with every utterance of the phrase.
"Look, man, I don't know who the hell you are, or what kind of sick game you're playing—
You did your best impression of a spooky figure as you waved your hands around his wife and children. "Is it saaaaafe?"
"—but you leave my family out of this! Now LEAVE US ALONE!!!"
"IS IT SAFE!?!??!?" The man didn't reply. Instead, he nudged his wife as if to say, "let's get the kids away from this sicko," and they ushered themselves and their kids presumably back to their car. After that, you went to hold open the door for Eden like the chivalrous jackass that you were.
"After you, my lady."
When the two of you walked back into Bosconi's, you could easily tell that half of the people waiting in the front lobby had probably already been seated. This would've been a great sign if the same underpaid waitress who shunned you out fifteen minutes ago weren't still at the front booth looking visibly upset at your re-entrance.
"Table for two, please," Eden requested.
"Are you gonna throw a hissy fit if I seat you at a booth instead?" The employee asked, clearly directed at you.
"No promises."
The employee sighed, sitting you two down at a nice little booth near a window with two menus and a basket of four (4) complementary bottomless garlic knots. Now we're cookin'!
- Current Time: 11:32 AM
- Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Grab a bite to eat at Bosconi's.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable, Rust Buckets concert ticket, The Dork of House Fyodor, The Trap, Wrapping paper (technically paid for?), Garfield Kart (in Cooking Mama Sweet Shop case)
- Funds: $18.00 (loose change), however much is left on your credit card
[input command]
Edited by Pogakure on Jun 19th 2024 at 9:48:01 AM
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Point out how "The bottomless garlic knots can’t be bottomless, because there’s only a finite amount!"
> But eat all the garlic knots anyway 'cuz you're STARVIN'! Be sure to share some with Eden, though.
"I know you know that's not literal, Jackass." Eden reached out to grab a garlic knot, but was stopped momentarily by you shoveling half the basket's worth of garlicky goodness down your gullet. You pushed the basket and the other two garlic knots toward Eden as you stuffed your gob.
"Wow, how kind of you." Eden grabbed a garlic knot from the basket and put it on her plate. "Careful there, tiger. Wouldn't wanna spoil your appetite before you've even ordered anything, goddamn."
She had a point. You hadn't even bothered to look through the menu yet. Many foods greeted you as you opened up the pamphlet, weighing your options.
For $14.99, there was the Create Your Own Pizza special, Bosconi's' signature dish. You could choose from a variety of crusts, sauces and toppings to create a personal pan pizza abomination. The $11.99 Pasta Picker deal is essentially the same thing, but with noodles. Other Italian dishes were also on the menu, at varying prices.
You haven't been to Bosconi's in a while, it wouldn't hurt to get a bit more thorough.
[Inspect the Bosconi's Menu!]
(Note: By "inspect the menu," I mean pick one of the aforementioned categories or name a food item and I'll describe what's in it or if it's on the menu.)
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat>I get the Create Your Own Pizza and select all the toppings to make a "Hawaiian Pizza", Canada's personal favourite food crime.
> then I abuse a glitch in the poorly designed payment system to make it so my tip is a negative value, thus discounting my mediocre italian cusine.
Edited by HacksAndSlash on Jun 19th 2024 at 1:07:49 PM
"Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it">I get the Create Your Own Pizza and select all the toppings to make a "Hawaiian Pizza," America's personal favorite food crime.
Bosconi's Create Your Own Pizza was the highlight of their lineup, the main reason why anyone would choose to come to this place over, say, Olive Garden. You started off by choosing a crust: Regular, Garlic, Cheese-Stuffed, or Cauliflower (New!).
Then you pick a sauce: Marinara, Alfredo, Garlic Butter or Barbeque.
Next comes the cheese: Mozzarella, Parmesan, Swiss, Cheddar or the Signature Mix, a cheese blend so legendary that anyone who attempts to disclose its contents is hunted down and killed in cold blood (or so the rumor goes).
The toppings are what really open up the gates to the realm of cursed pizza creations. There's quite a few to choose from: Pepperoni, onions, green, red and yellow peppers, mushrooms, olives, anchovies, pineapples, ham, bacon, salami and turkey slices. Three toppings came with the base CYOP deal, with extra toppings costing 79 cents per topping.
As you looked through the menu, a young lady (not the one at the front desk, thank god!) approached your table. "Hello! My name's Whittney, and I'll be your server for today. Can I get you two started with something to drink?"
"I'm ready to order." Eden turned to you to see if you were ready to order too, and a devilish grin spread across your face, ready to unleash an affront to the pizza gods. Eden continued. "I'll have the veal parmigiana with a side of fettuccine alfredo, and for a drink, I'll have the... raspberry lemonade and a water."
"Alright!" Whittney chirped, writing Eden's order down on her notepad. Then she looked at you, chipper as ever. "And what'll it be for you, sir?"
[Create Your Own Pizza! (and maybe order a drink while you're at it)]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> "I'll have the CYOP with garlic crust, garlic butter, and cheddar cheese, and onions, anchovies, and pineapples for the toppings! Oh, and a tall glass of root beer."
Whittney looked at you, puzzled, and jotted down your bizarre order on her notepad. "Okay, sir. Your, uh... orders will be out in a bit." She then walked off to go give your recipe for disaster to the chefs out back. You watched Whittney walk off with a look of self-satisfaction on your face. Eden put her head in her hands and groaned, "Good grief."
"Look, what’s the point of ordering the Choose Your Own Pizza if not to commit food crimes?"
"Mike, you do realize that you're gonna have to eat that pizza, right?"
Look, if I could get plastered enough, I should be able to completely ignore the taste," you reasoned. As if on cue, a server brought your drinks out to the table. "I'd rather be sober when I meet up with Mitch, though, so I'll just have to grin and bear it for now."
You had your drinks, now all that's left is the food. It'll take a while to get here, though...
- Current Time: 11:37 AM
- Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Grab a bite to eat at Bosconi's.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable, Rust Buckets concert ticket, The Dork of House Fyodor, The Trap, Wrapping paper (technically paid for?), Garfield Kart (in Cooking Mama Sweet Shop case)
- Funds: $18.00 (loose change), however much is left on your credit card
[input command/dialogue]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat>Tell Eden bad knock-knock jokes to pass the time.
You open up your phone and do a cursory Google search for "shitty knock knock jokes" to unleash upon Eden while you wait for your food to get here.
"Hey, Eden."
"What?"
"Do you mind if I tell you a joke?"
Eden let out a begrudged sigh as she held her head in her hand. "Oh god..."
"Knock Knock."
Eden groaned. "Who's there?"
"Hop on."
"Hop on who?" Eden asked, bracing herself for a punchline that either involved a terrible pun, a deez nuts joke, or some twisted combination of the two.
"Hop on deez NUTS! OHHHH!!!" You screamed the punchline louder than you probably should've, as several people sitting at the bar nearby turned to look at you and snickered. You couldn't tell if they were laughing at the joke you told or at the fact that you were being a dumbass. What you could tell was that Eden was upset with you — not in the "I hate your guts, you've ruined our friendship" way, but in that "You're such a good friend that I'm willing to put up with your bullshit, but at what cost?" kinda way that kept people like her in good cahoots with people like you.
"God, I kid myself sometimes." You chuckled at your shitty joke and began to set up another. "Y'know, I'm shocked that you got the veal parmigiana today. If I were you, I would've gone for something completely different."
"Really? And what would that be?"
"Well, I've heard talk about this secret menu they've got at Bosconi's. You have to be eating here alone to order off it, though; I would've gotten The Tipadis if you weren't chauffeuring me."
"What's the — oh." Eden stopped herself. She'd realized she had just taken your bait hook, line, and sinker.
"The TIPADIS DICK! HAHA!!!" You let out a loud snort-cackle that catches the attention of the people at the bar nearby, who were a few beers in and seemed to be laughing both at and with you. You sighed. See, these drunkards got it! You began again. "Hey, Eden-"
You were unable to get your next brilliant joke out before Whittney made her way over to your table with your food in tow. "And here we go! Your veal parmigiana..." she placed Eden's meal in front of her with poise and energy. She turned to you and continued, "and your... pizza." Whittney hurriedly placed your freak of nature onto the table, nudging it closer to your hands and further away from her nostrils. She had every reason to; your CYOP had a smell that noticeably astringent and undeniably garlicky.
> ''Maybe Eden's right... you think regarding your pizzabomination. Just pray that after this, you don't end up vomiting while at Mitch's...
You pull a slice of the yellow menace from its greasy pan, observing how the cheese deftly left a trail of cheddary goodness in its wake. That cheese pull would probably end up being the most satisfying part of this pizza.
Hesitantly, you pulled the slice towards your mouth and bit into it. The flavor profile of your creation was... interesting, to say the least. The garlic was the most overpowering, that was a given. The buttery texture of the garlic butter spread was a shockingly pleasant complement to the pizza's... everything else, further enveloping your mouth with the saltiness brought on by the anchovies. Moreover, the anchovies blended with the onions to add a kick into the mix which mixed by the sweetness of the pineapples to create what would've been a nice tango of sweet and umami flavors, were it not on top of the vampire's worst nightmare that was the rest of the slice.
It wasn't awful. Frankly, that was the worst part. Your Create-Your-Own mess was one of those things that makes you go, "I am never willingly ordering this again, but, like, if I have to finish the rest of this slice at least, I probably could if I turned my brain off." Which you did, contorting your face as you coped with the taste.
Eden looked at you with smug glee as she swallowed down a bite of her actually palatable fettuccine alfredo. "So... How's the pizza?"
[input command/dialogue]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> "I could murder the entire Cullen Clan with just my breath alone! Fuck those sparkly vampires! They deserve to smell it for just existing in all of Fictionland!"
Still waiting for someone to break him free...> "I could murder the entire Cullen Clan with just my breath alone! Fuck those sparkly vampires! They deserve to smell it for just existing in all of Fictionland!"
"Yeah, no, I can smell it from here! No need to tell me!" Eden recoiled in disgust, leaning away from you while covering her nose. You decided that now would be a good time to lean over closer to her, blowing a warm, garlicky breath in her direction, just to piss her off more.
While teasing Eden with your Wario breath, your phone vibrates in your back pocket. You pull it out, greasy garlic fingers sweeping open the lock screen. You got a text. From Mitch.
It read: On my lunch break rn. Should be free until 1:30 @ the absolute latest. Come over while u still can.
Mitch was finally ready for you. Now was as good a time as ever to get your stuff together and leave, which begs the question: Who's paying, and for what?
- Current Time: 11:50 AM
- Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Pay for your meal at Bosconi's.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable, Rust Buckets concert ticket, The Dork of House Fyodor, The Trap, Wrapping paper (technically paid for?), Garfield Kart (in Cooking Mama Sweet Shop case)
- Funds: $18.00 (loose change), however much is left on your credit card
[input command/dialogue]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Go for splitsies... but Eden pays 75% of the bill. It's her treat for taking you here and tolerating your entire shenanigans this lunch time.
"Wanna split the bill? I'm thinking 70/30 in cash; in your favor, of course."
How about I pay for my food and you pay for yours, jackass. You should have enough spare change to pay for your garlic hellspawn out of pocket."
"But-"
"Michael, it's fifteen dollars. You're not going destitute over some goddamm pizza."
"Now, if you could just hear me out for a bit of negoti-"
A different server interrupted your pitiful attempt to foot the bill onto Eden with, fittingly enough, the bill. "Your total comes down to $42.36. Will that be cash or card?"
You and Eden took the time to look over the bill. 24.99 for her meal, 14.99 for your Create-Your-Own Pizza, plus sales tax. You did have 18 dollars in cash on you right now, and a ten and a five could pay your end of the bargain and leave you with change to spare... Eden had an assortment of bills in her wallet, but you couldn't help but eye the 50 dollar bill of hers that could easily pay for everything all around...
"What'll it be for you two?" The server asked again. You think for a bit, then answer.
[input dialogue]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Ask "You know Eden, would you kindly give me some extra money to tip this waiter?"
Do not mess with creatures which you do not understand.> Pay for the pizza. You're sure $3 in cash will tide you over since after this, it's just hacking time with your friend Mitch, and he'll give you those lessons for free... right?
You begrudgingly let out a sigh of defeat. "We'll split the bill." Eden looked pleased. You pulled out no more than fifteen dollars from your wallet and placed them in the bill envelope's sleeve. Eden placed her share of the money on the table as well.
> Ask "You know Eden, would you kindly give me some extra money to tip this waiter?"
"Of course!" Eden smiles gleefully. She then pulls a one-dollar bill from your wallet and hands it to the server. "If it's possible, give this one to Whittney out back. Consider it compensation for having to carry around his 'pizza'." She put extra large air quotes around the "pizza" as if to imply that what you forced the cooks in the Bosconi's kitchen to concoct for you was a blasphemous affront to Italian culture, which it probably was. The server took the bill from you and headed out front to verify your cash and print out your receipt. "Really, Eden?" you groaned. In response, Eden smirked deviously. You should've seen that coming. You should've known that your Bioshock mind tricks wouldn't work on a master of malicious compliance such as her! Oh well, you live and you learn.
The two of you left Bosconi's without bothering to pick up your receipt. Eden made the short drive over to Mitch's house, dropping you off out front.
"And voila, you're here," Eden mused. "He said you're good until 1:30, right? I'll be here to pick you up around then. Call me when you're done."
Eden drove off, leaving you alone at Mitch's doorstep on the edge of upper middle class suburbia. Mitch Fuller's house was pretty small, all things considered. You didn't visit him often, so you were always kinda bewildered that someone as well off as he was only lived in a small, one-story building like he did, especially considering the grandioseness of the houses right across his backyard. Apparently, he contracted someone to build the place for him, which kinda made sense...
But who cares about the architecture of Mitch's shitty and probably overpriced house? This was it. You were finally about to learn how to do epic hackerman things! All you needed to do now was let Mitch know you're here...
- Current Time: 11:57 AM
- Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable, Rust Buckets concert ticket, The Dork of House Fyodor, The Trap, Wrapping paper (technically paid for?), Garfield Kart (in Cooking Mama Sweet Shop case)
- Funds: $2.00 (loose change), however much is left on your credit card
[input command/dialogue]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Use a secret sequence of knocks on Mitch's door.
You saunter up the front steps to Mitch's door and hit it with The Rhythm, a strategically groovy pattern of knocks that was guaranteed to bring anyone inside a house to its source. Well, nine times out of ten, at least. This was the one-in-ten instance where no one immediately came to the door after hearing it. Sad, really.
> If he doesn't respond, ambush him by entering through the window with your "ninja skillz".
You peer conspicuously through the door's peephole. Not a single person in sight. You didn't wanna wait much longer; You were cold and antsy and desperately in the mood to learn how to hone your identity theft skills (and also maybe piss a little bit).
You decide that waiting patiently for Mitch wouldn't be enough, To your left was a window not only large enough to maybe climb into, but also open a tad bit. Seizing the opportunity, you rush to the window and grab it by the slider, using all your power to push it up. It wouldn't budge. Fucking Midwestern weather, always icing over the cool ways to get around. You continue to struggle with the window when you hear an all too familiar voice from inside the house...
"Oh my fucking God, calm down, Jackass! I'll be right there!" Mitch Fuller is ready for you. Quickly, you rush over to the door to greet the computer genius. He opens the door, looks at you the way a dad looks at a toddler when they take a shit in the bathtub, and asks, "Through the window? Really? Would it have killed you to wait?"
"What, do you not fuck with The Rhythm?"
Mitch sighs. "Just come inside, asshole." You do as you're told.
Mitch's living room was, frankly, a cluttered mess. Cardboard shipping boxes were strewn across the floor, opened up and placed in unruly stacks, some of which were close to touching the ceiling! You take it that these boxes must have once contained the Christmas gifts he's been buying for his family and colleagues, as most decent human beings would at this time of year. To have that many empty boxes lying around means that he must've had a lot of people who cared for him. Wonder what that was like...
"So, remind me what you're doing here," Mitch asked, dry as ever.
"Don't act like you don't know! I came here to learn to hack shit!"
"Yeah, I know that, but what exactly do you want me to teach you about hacking?"
That... was a good question. What exactly were you planning to take away from your time learning from Mitch? What did you want him to teach you? What did you want to learn?
- Current Time: 12:10 PM
- Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable, Rust Buckets concert ticket, The Dork of House Fyodor, The Trap, Wrapping paper (technically paid for?), Garfield Kart (in Cooking Mama Sweet Shop case)
- Funds: $2.00 (loose change), however much is left on your credit card
[input command/dialogue]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat

> Sneak away from Eden towards the family.
Do not mess with creatures which you do not understand.