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The Jerkass Chronicles: A Lawful Evil CYOA

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It's the most wonderful time of the year! With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you, “Be of good cheer!” Except you aren't listening to them, because you've always hated the Christmas season. Well, you always hated everything, but there was something about the brightly saturated light displays, the insidious carols in constant rotation the moment Halloween ended, and the saccharinely sweet spirit that characterized the holiday season that really got under your skin.

Wait a minute… Who are you, anyways?

Your name is Michael J. Arseman, but most everyone in the neighborhood calls you “The Jackass,” and for good reason. From the moment you made your less-than-stellar introduction to the people of the Suburban Hills subdivision ten years ago, all of your neighbors have been vilifying you left and right. You hated it at first, but after a while you decided, “Fuck it. If these jackholes wanna hate me so much, I'll give them a reason to hate me!” And you did.

You always went out of your way to be mean, and the Christmas season — a season dedicated to spreading love and joy — was always when you were at your most insufferable.


Hello, and welcome to The Jerkass Chronicles! It's just the same as any other play-by-post Choose Your Own Adventure Game, except you're encouraged to be as much of a douchebag as possible! You have been given the chance to control a man who hates most everything in the world, so you better take it!

Now, the key word in the title is Lawful Evil. Arseman may be mean, but he's not straight up evil. You'll come to find over the course of the game that Mike has a well-developed (albeit pretty funky) moral code, and there's a set of boundaries he refuses to cross under any circumstances. I can't reveal all of them to you right now, but here are the ones that have been uncovered thus far:

    The Cardinal Three 
These are the big ones here. Regardless of wherever Arseman may go, these three rules should always be kept in mind when posting on this thread. They are as follows:

  • NO Bigotry. Racism, misogyny, queerphobia, ableism and the like are strictly off limits for obvious reasons.
  • There's not much stopping you from committing acts of physical violence, but Michael outright refuses to beat up on children (under 18), the elderly (65 and older), and the physically disabled.
  • Don't get too sexual. Mike loves a good dirty joke from time to time, but even suggesting the idea of sex crimes is off limits for reasons that should be obvious.

    Other Moral Stipulations 
  • Try to avoid deliberately hurting Tommy Baker's feelings.
  • Eden Hawthorne is, like, your only friend. DO NOT jeopardize your relationship with her.
  • The Grand Misgendering, a notorious Walmart microaggression, is old hat and shall never be discussed, ESPECIALLY around Eden Hawthorne.
  • The following are Last Resort problem solving methods, only meant to be used when ABSOLUTELY no other options are available:
    • Engaging in Karen/Daren behavior
    • Blackmailing people
  • Minimum wage employees already go through enough bullshit on a daily. Exercise caution when bothering them, and try not to add too much onto their load. Upper and middle managers, on the other hand...
  • Don't break character when talking about online music reviewer Ryan Graham. Your hatred of him is played up for the bit, but it's a bit that's too funny to pass up.
  • Some of these moral stipulations can be relaxed in scenarios where you can't directly see who it is you're interacting with (i.e. over the internet, etc.).
  • If you can help it, try to be in bed by 9:30 PM.
  • Given the choice to personally antagonize billionaires, take it without hesitation.
  • If you aren't prepared to buy it, then don't bother breaking it.
  • Any line longer than a quarter of a mile for an event that you don't already have a ticket for is a line you are NOT standing in.


Now, with that out of the way...

You sit alone, in your desolate room. No light. No music. Just a lingering sense of dread and your thoughts on how you could ruin Christmas this year. The lights are off, but a sliver of light shines in through your window, illuminating the room. In your small bedroom, there is your bed (which you are currently sitting on, a nightstand with three drawers and a lamp on top next to it, and a desk with a drawer in it, on top of which your trusty laptop sits. Your closet is built into the wall. There are no decorations in your room because decor sparks joy, and if there's one thing you loved, it was feeling miserable.

[input command]

Edited by Pogakure on Jul 22nd 2025 at 11:50:22 AM

TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#51: Mar 16th 2024 at 9:20:54 AM

> "Ya lookin' for more treasure, kid?"

And since we're on a new page, you should also list the additional moral stipulations.

Edited by TroperNo9001 on Mar 17th 2024 at 12:21:45 AM

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#52: Mar 16th 2024 at 10:46:14 AM

> Follow Tommy and watch him scavenge around.

Kneeling over, you follow Tommy as he burrows through the front yard, first turning over rocks, then rummaging through the flowerbed, and finally stopping at a particular patch of snow near a dead shrub. He patted at the snow, then scooped it away with his hands to reveal the grass underneath. It was then that Tommy stood up. He turned and pointed at you.

"Watch."

Tommy reached over the porch and pulled out a shovel — not, like, a toy shovel, an actual shovel. He planted the shovel in the exposed ground and started digging, recklessly tossing dirt over his shoulder... and onto your coat.

> "Ya lookin' for more treasure, kid?"

"Bones."

...The fuck?

[input dialogue]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
Cutegirl920fire Player 222 from the Squid Games (Five Long Years) Relationship Status: Paris holds the key to my heart
Player 222
#53: Mar 16th 2024 at 10:53:56 AM

> "...What?"

CG for short
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#54: Mar 16th 2024 at 11:15:50 AM

> You wonder if he's looking for a body for some kind of experiment, but you don't say that aloud. Tommy may be... enigmatic, but you're not the one to judge.

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#55: Mar 16th 2024 at 12:54:06 PM

> You wonder if he's looking for a body for some kind of experiment, but you don't say that aloud. Tommy may be... enigmatic, but you're not the one to judge.

> "...What?"

"Bones, Jackass! More specifically, the bones of a cockatrice, a legendary creature with the head of a chicken and the body of a dragon."

Tommy pulled a small notebook out from his coat pocket, opening to a page with a crudely drawn picture of a goofy looking chicken with a dragon's wings and tail grafted onto its body. Presumably this was the "cockatrice" or whatever the fuck he was looking for.

On one hand, you were glad he wasn't looking for a human body or some shit. On the other hand, you internally groaned at the thought of being roped into another one of Tommy's fascinations. They almost seemed to change with the seasons. This winter's fascination? Cryptozoology, from the looks of it.

[input command/dialogue]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#56: Mar 16th 2024 at 7:38:57 PM

> Begrudgingly play along with him, but tell him as honestly but gently as possible that you will have to leave for a "hangout" in like 15 minutes or so.

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#57: Mar 17th 2024 at 7:47:07 AM

> Begrudgingly play along with him, but tell him as honestly but gently as possible that you will have to leave for a "hangout" in like 15 minutes or so.

Tommy appears to hit something with the shovel. "Hold this," he says, as he hands the shovel to you.

"Alright." You roll your eyes begrudgingly. "But I've got places to be today, so this better be quick."

Tommy kneels down and scrounges through the dirt. He pulls two small bones out from the dirt. He turns to show you his catch.

"Hurrah! Two fossil specimens! These appear to be from its legs... If the leg bones are here, then logically the other parts of the fossil shouldn't be too far behind! It's entirely possible that we could find a whole cockatrice here on this dig site!" The bones he had in his hands weren't cockatrice bones. They were chicken leg bones. He probably buried them here in advance so he could dig 'em up later and act like he made a major archeological discovery.

He put the chicken cockatrice bones in his coat pocket and stood up, brimming with joy. "Come, we must continue our search!" You shuddered at the thought of having to spend a good hour or so following Tommy around his yard, watching him dig up table scraps from KFC and toss dirt all over you in the process. Eden would be here in about ten minutes. You had to get away from him somehow, but you also had to let him down gently...


  • Time: 9:20 AM
  • Current Goals:
    • Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
    • Buy Sabrina a Christmas present.
    • Get Cole Grossman off your ass.
    • Find a way to tell Tommy that you have to leave without sounding like too much of a douchebag.
  • Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable, Protein Bar (birthday cake flavor)
    • Funds: $28.00 (loose change), however much is left on your credit card

[input command/dialogue]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
Cutegirl920fire Player 222 from the Squid Games (Five Long Years) Relationship Status: Paris holds the key to my heart
Player 222
#58: Mar 17th 2024 at 7:49:24 AM

> "Hey kid, your discovery is cool and I appreciate your enthusiasm but as much as I would like to stay, but I have to go to somewhere really important soon; like ten minutes soon. I promise to come back and check out any new discoveries you make once the important thing I need to do is done."

CG for short
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#59: Mar 17th 2024 at 8:58:48 AM

> Draw a cockatrice skeleton with the notepad and pen, highlight the bones that Tommy already found, and tear out the page and give it to him. It'll serve as his checklist.

Edited by TroperNo9001 on Mar 17th 2024 at 11:59:49 PM

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#60: Mar 18th 2024 at 3:38:18 AM

> "Hey kid, your discovery is cool and I appreciate your enthusiasm but as much as I would like to stay, but I have to go to somewhere really important soon; like ten minutes soon. I promise to come back and check out any new discoveries you make once the important thing I need to do is done."

"Important things? Like what? Letting people down for no reason?"

"Important things like getting things ready for my cousin who's coming over in a few days, smartass."

"Oh." Tommy seemed disappointed and confused, like he couldn't fathom you going out of your way to show hospitality to people. That, or he had no idea you had cousins.


> Draw a cockatrice skeleton with the notepad and pen, highlight the bones that Tommy already found, and tear out the page and give it to him. It'll serve as his checklist.

You had no clue what the fuck a cockatrice could possibly look like under its skin, but you crudely scribble a picture of a cockatrice skeleton in your notepad. You circle the leg bones, then tear the page out of your notepad and hand it to Tommy.

Consider this a... checklist. Yeah, a checklist of what bones you need to find."

"I already have one of these." He closely examines the drawing you made, scoffing. "Your approximation of a cockatrice skeleton doesn't come even remotely close, but I'll give you credit for trying."

"Thanks, kid."

"You're welcome." Poor kid. He wouldn't know sarcasm if it came up to him and clocked him in the face.

You can hear Eden's car pull up in the distance. She got here way quicker than you expected.

"Well, I'll see you later, kid."

"Bye, Jackass.


  • Current Time: 9:23 AM
  • Current Goals:
    • Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
    • Buy Sabrina a Christmas present.
    • Get Cole Grossman off your ass.
  • Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable, Protein Bar (birthday cake flavor)
    • Funds: $28.00 (loose change), however much is left on your credit card

[input command/dialogue]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#61: Mar 18th 2024 at 4:20:25 AM

> Meet up with Eden and hope there isn't someone else there to distract you.

Edited by TroperNo9001 on Mar 18th 2024 at 7:21:21 PM

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#62: Mar 18th 2024 at 3:16:33 PM

> Meet up with Eden and hope there isn't someone else there to distract you.

As Eden's car pulls up to your driveway, you make your way back in front of your house. Grossman seems to be gone now, so the coast is clear. Eden stopped in front of your house, putting her car in park, and as the window rolled down and that roaring redhead came into view, you knew then and there that you'd be going places.

"Where to, Jackass?"

[input dialogue]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
Dictionaryman616 Since: Mar, 2020 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
CanuckMcDuck1 PEPSIMAN from Japan Since: Sep, 2023 Relationship Status: You cannot grasp the true form
PEPSIMAN
#64: Mar 18th 2024 at 3:18:23 PM

> "Middle of nowhere. Population: You."

Do not mess with creatures which you do not understand.
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#65: Mar 18th 2024 at 4:33:04 PM

> (if the Walmart option is chosen) "I also have that meeting with Mitch at lunch, so I should have enough time to kill in choosing a cheapo gift for Sabrina."

Edited by TroperNo9001 on Mar 18th 2024 at 7:34:19 PM

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#66: Mar 19th 2024 at 4:44:56 AM

> "Middle of nowhere. Population: You."

"Wow, you have such a way with words," Eden chuckled. She unlocked the door facing you and pushed it open. "Get in." You did as you were told, buckling yourself into the shotgun seat.

Eden Hawthorne was a unique specimen of a woman. It was exceedingly rare for someone to not immediately think you were an asshole, but it was even rarer for someone to go out of their way to be friendly to you. You had your acquaintances, like Miss Baker and Mitch, but Eden was the only person you could call your friend. In an isolated adult world, having even one true friend was an irreplaceable luxury.

Moral Stipulation added: Eden is your only friend. Don't jeopardize your relationship.


> Go to the local Walmart.

"Yo, do you mind driving to the Walmart on-"

"Nice joke, Jackass. You know that I refuse to go to that Walmart for any reason.

"Not even to drop me-"

"Any reason. You know why."

"Yeah, right. The Incident..."

Right, the "incident." The Grand Misgendering, one of the worst microaggressions ever witnessed within the vicinity of a Walmart. You should know, you were there; you watched it happen. It was a topic that you knew put a sour taste in everyone's mouth whenever it was brought up, so both you and Eden solemnly swore to never mention it ever again after it happened. It was for the best.

Moral Stipulation added: The Grand Misgendering is a restricted topic. Don't talk about it.


"Well, I gotta find something for Sabrina..."

"You definitely weren't gonna find anything good at Walmart. Why not go to the mall? It's better than a supermarket..."

"Yeah, but then I have that meeting with Mitch..."

Oh, if you're looking for something closer to Mitch's, then I could take you to that Valu-Box wholesale store. It's literally within walking distance of his place."

She did make some good points. Decisions, decisions...

  • Current Time: 9:25 AM
  • Current Goals:
    • Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
    • Find a place to buy Sabrina a Christmas present from.
  • Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable, Protein Bar (birthday cake flavor)
    • Funds: $28.00 (loose change), however much is left on your credit card

[input dialogue]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
CanuckMcDuck1 PEPSIMAN from Japan Since: Sep, 2023 Relationship Status: You cannot grasp the true form
PEPSIMAN
#67: Mar 19th 2024 at 6:44:30 AM

> Go to the Walgreens instead.

Do not mess with creatures which you do not understand.
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#68: Mar 19th 2024 at 7:20:43 AM

> Go to the Walgreens instead.

"You know what? Third option. Take me to Walgreens."

"Walgreens? The fuck could you possibly get her at Walgreens?"

[input dialogue]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#69: Mar 19th 2024 at 7:35:40 AM

"Iunno, something practical like over-the-counter pills? Dunno how often she gets sick, but she'd need 'em."

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#70: Mar 20th 2024 at 5:00:00 AM

> "Iunno, something practical like over-the-counter pills? Dunno how often she gets sick, but she'd need 'em."

"Pills? I mean, the logic adds up, but... really?"

"The fuck would you suggest I get her? A gift card!?" When you say this, Eden turns to you and looks at you in utter disappointment. She didn't have to say anything to let you know how stupid you sounded.

"Okay, I get it! Can we go to Walgreens already?"

"Alright, fine. I had to go pick up my estrogen today anyways. Kill two birds..."

Eden put her car in drive and you two were off to the races! The Walgreens you were headed to was ten minutes away.

  • Current Time: 9:26 AM
  • Current Goals:
    • Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
    • Buy Sabrina a Christmas present from Walgreens.
  • Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable, Protein Bar (birthday cake flavor)
    • Funds: $28.00 (loose change), however much is left on your credit card

[input command/dialogue]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#71: Mar 20th 2024 at 5:44:20 AM

"So anyway... how are things going with you? You looking forward to Christmas? 'Cuz I sure as hell am not."

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#72: Mar 20th 2024 at 6:05:38 AM

> "So anyway... how are things going with you? You looking forward to Christmas? 'Cuz I sure as hell am not."

"More than you are, definitely. The Rust Buckets have that Christmas Eve concert going on, so you know I got tickets for that."

The Rust Buckets were a local punk band that had recently broke out of the underground and onto the "mainstream" indie scene. You and Eden were big fans of them, even before they were cool. You knew about the Christmas Eve concert; who would shut the fuck up about it? The concert would be held at Felicity Square, the outdoor concert venue over in Redgate that only psychopaths and die-hards would dare visit in these temperatures.

[input command/dialogue]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#73: Mar 20th 2024 at 6:10:45 AM

"Oh hell yeah, count me in! If there's one thing I'd actually enjoy in this crappy holiday, it'd be rocking out with you there!"

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#74: Mar 20th 2024 at 11:00:59 AM

> "Oh hell yeah, count me in! If there's one thing I'd actually enjoy in this crappy holiday, it'd be rocking out with you there!"

"Speaking of... Check the glove box."

You open the glove box in front of you, and what you saw was stunning. Two Rust Buckets concert tickets sat right in front of you! If one was for Eden, then the other one had to be for...

"Do I..."

"Go ahead! Consider it an early Christmas present."

You took one ticket and put it in your coat pocket. "No fucking way... This is so sick!" Eden doesn't ask for thanks. She doesn't say anything. But you can see her smile out of the corner of your eye, as if to say, "Merry Christmas, Jackass."

You are six minutes away from Walgreens.


  • Current Time: 9:29 AM
  • Current Goals:
    • Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
    • Buy Sabrina a Christmas present from Walgreens.
  • Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable, Protein Bar (birthday cake flavor), Rust Buckets concert ticket
    • Funds: $28.00 (loose change), however much is left on your credit card

[input command]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#75: Mar 20th 2024 at 11:12:29 AM

> Ask her to play a Rust Buckets song to get pumped for both the concert and the drive to Walgreens.

Edited by TroperNo9001 on Mar 21st 2024 at 2:16:29 AM

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."

Total posts: 472
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