It's the most wonderful time of the year! With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you, “Be of good cheer!” Except you aren't listening to them, because you've always hated the Christmas season. Well, you always hated everything, but there was something about the brightly saturated light displays, the insidious carols in constant rotation the moment Halloween ended, and the saccharinely sweet spirit that characterized the holiday season that really got under your skin.
Wait a minute… Who are you, anyways?
Your name is Michael J. Arseman, but most everyone in the neighborhood calls you “The Jackass,” and for good reason. From the moment you made your less-than-stellar introduction to the people of the Suburban Hills subdivision ten years ago, all of your neighbors have been vilifying you left and right. You hated it at first, but after a while you decided, “Fuck it. If these jackholes wanna hate me so much, I'll give them a reason to hate me!” And you did.
You always went out of your way to be mean, and the Christmas season — a season dedicated to spreading love and joy — was always when you were at your most insufferable.
Hello, and welcome to The Jerkass Chronicles! It's just the same as any other play-by-post Choose Your Own Adventure Game, except you're encouraged to be as much of a douchebag as possible! You have been given the chance to control a man who hates most everything in the world, so you better take it!
Now, the key word in the title is Lawful Evil. Arseman may be mean, but he's not straight up evil. You'll come to find over the course of the game that Mike has a well-developed (albeit pretty funky) moral code, and there's a set of boundaries he refuses to cross under any circumstances. I can't reveal all of them to you right now, but here are the ones that have been uncovered thus far:
- NO Bigotry. Racism, misogyny, queerphobia, ableism and the like are strictly off limits for obvious reasons.
- There's not much stopping you from committing acts of physical violence, but Michael outright refuses to beat up on children (under 18), the elderly (65 and older), and the physically disabled.
- Don't get too sexual. Mike loves a good dirty joke from time to time, but even suggesting the idea of sex crimes is off limits for reasons that should be obvious.
- Try to avoid deliberately hurting Tommy Baker's feelings.
- Eden Hawthorne is, like, your only friend. DO NOT jeopardize your relationship with her.
- The Grand Misgendering, a notorious Walmart microaggression, is old hat and shall never be discussed, ESPECIALLY around Eden Hawthorne.
- The following are Last Resort problem solving methods, only meant to be used when ABSOLUTELY no other options are available:
- Engaging in Karen/Daren behavior
- Blackmailing people
- Minimum wage employees already go through enough bullshit on a daily. Exercise caution when bothering them, and try not to add too much onto their load. Upper and middle managers, on the other hand...
- Don't break character when talking about online music reviewer Ryan Graham. Your hatred of him is played up for the bit, but it's a bit that's too funny to pass up.
- Some of these moral stipulations can be relaxed in scenarios where you can't directly see who it is you're interacting with (i.e. over the internet, etc.).
- If you can help it, try to be in bed by 9:30 PM.
- Given the choice to personally antagonize billionaires, take it without hesitation.
- If you aren't prepared to buy it, then don't bother breaking it.
- Any line longer than a quarter of a mile for an event that you don't already have a ticket for is a line you are NOT standing in.
Now, with that out of the way...
You sit alone, in your desolate room. No light. No music. Just a lingering sense of dread and your thoughts on how you could ruin Christmas this year. The lights are off, but a sliver of light shines in through your window, illuminating the room. In your small bedroom, there is your bed (which you are currently sitting on, a nightstand with three drawers and a lamp on top next to it, and a desk with a drawer in it, on top of which your trusty laptop sits. Your closet is built into the wall. There are no decorations in your room because decor sparks joy, and if there's one thing you loved, it was feeling miserable.
[input command]
Edited by Pogakure on Jul 22nd 2025 at 11:50:22 AM
> First order of business after waking up — go to the bathroom! No way you're gonna shit or piss your pants in front of Mitch!
You step into the bathroom and handle your business. You pull out a bottle of spray deodorant, which has a piece of scotch tape labeled "The Good Shit" stuck to it, and lather that shit all over your body. Now you smell clean as a whistle.
- Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Buy Sabrina a Christmas present.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable
- Funds: $28.10 (loose change), however much is on your credit card
[input command]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Use your phone, open the Uber app & order an Uber to reach Mitch's house.
You don't have the Uber app; your personal vendetta against getting into random strangers' cars is too strong. What you do have is your friend Eden Hawthorne's phone number, which you call and ask her for a ride. She says she'll be there in about half an hour.
> While waiting for the Uber, go to the kitchen to get breakfast
You scour the kitchen, looking for some kind of sustenance. In the fridge was a carton of eggs, some microwave bacon, and a Tupperware filled with what remained of last night's spaghetti. Some TV dinners are in the freezer, and an assortment of fruits and other snacks are on the counter.
[Choose Your Breakfast!]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Eat an apple, to show that you’re an asshole.
Do not mess with creatures which you do not understand.> Make scrambled eggs. Should take 3-5 minutes tops.
You scramble yourself some eggs and, since you're feeling a bit zesty this morning, toast some whole wheat bread to place them on top of. The whole process takes about seven minutes.
> Eat an apple, to show that you’re an asshole.
You grab an apple from your fruit basket and, without even washing or wiping it off, take a savory bite. Devilishly ripe, just the way you liked it.
You now have 23 minutes before Eden arrives.
- Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Buy Sabrina a Christmas present.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable
- Funds: $28.10 (loose change), however much is on your credit card
[input command]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Enjoy your meal, then grab some snacks for later.
You savor your breakfast, then grab your coat and head out. But before you leave, you grab a birthday cake-flavored protein bar to have as a little snack. You're the only person you know who enjoys those nasty things.
You step outside your house, only for a certain someone's voice to hit your ears and immediately fill you with dread.
"You're up early today, huh, Jackass?"
You could recognize that voice from anywhere, especially from directly across the street. It was that of Cole Grossman. God, how you hated Cole Grossman with a fiery passion. Most of the people of Suburban Hills already vilified you, but none of them hated you quite like Cole did. You considered him to be your mortal enemy.
Cole was shoveling his driveway, his receding hairline pointed right towards you. His two dogs seemed to be nowhere in sight. Odd, considering they were always out barking at you at this time of day.
- Current Time: 9:08 AM
- Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Buy Sabrina a Christmas present.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable
- Funds: $28.10 (loose change), however much is on your credit card
[input command/dialogue]
Edited by Pogakure on Mar 15th 2024 at 5:49:21 AM
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat>"Yeah, so I can tell you to stop showing your bald-ass head to me! It's blinding me like the snow you're shovelin'!"
"Gee, you're rather agitated today. I thought the Christmas season was supposed to make you lethargic..." There was something about his snide attitude in particular that really got under your skin.
"God, would it kill you to put a toupee over that shit!?"
"As a matter of fact, yes. Yes, it would. I'm extremely allergic to shitty fake hair!"
Argh! Why are you even bothering with this guy? You have places to be!
- Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Buy Sabrina a Christmas present.
- Get Cole Grossman off your ass.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable
- Funds: $28.10 (loose change), however much is on your credit card
[input command/dialogue]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> "Fine, I’ll leave you alo-Look over there!"
> You conveniently point him to some kids playing baseball in their backyard. Hope they bat a ball straight into his window to provide you more of a distraction.
Cole seems to be a bit distracted by the Rosenthal kids across the street to your left playing baseball in the middle of winter. This could be your chance to book it in the opposite direction...
- Current Time: 9:10 AM
- Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Buy Sabrina a Christmas present.
- Get Cole Grossman off your ass.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable, Protein Bar (birthday cake flavor)
- Funds: $28.10 (loose change), however much is left on your credit card
[input command]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Mosey down to where you will be picked up. Maybe look for other people to hassle on your way there.
You're being picked up in front of your house. Not much use standing in front of Grossman right now. Looking for some way to cover your trail, you decide to see if any of the Bakers are around to be bothered. You head over to their house next door to your right. Susan doesn't seem to be home right now, but her son Tommy is playing in their front yard.
"Hi, Jackass."
Tommy Baker was quite an... enigmatic kid. Yeah, let's go with that. With how scrawny he looked and the way he acted, you'd be hard pressed to believe he's legally old enough to get his driver's license. Aloof and spacey and yet fiercely determined, the kid may have had a few loose screws in his head (and probably an undiagnosed mental condition), but you knew he meant well. Most of the time.
Tommy usually played out in the snow on the weekends, making snow angels and building fortresses and other things people who knew how to have fun did. This morning, however, Tommy was lifting up every rock in the yard, as if he were looking for something...
[input command/dialogue]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Pick up a rock and throw it at his window.
You grab a random stone and chuck it at the window. It bounces off the window and hits Tommy in the head, enough to get him to actually look at you.
"Ow... What was that for?"
[input dialogue]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat>"That's for your mom! She delayed my book meeting with her 'cuz she's busy working her ass off! Does she even make time for you, kid?"
"I think you're just mad that the only thing you have to look forward to got pushed back a few hours."
You took a sharp, long breath. There were a million witty quips you could lobby at this child, but all of them would make him cry, and you always felt especially bad whenever Tommy cried. Not only that, but if you got too loud, Grossman would know you were over here. You kept those insults to yourself and tried to regain your calm.
Moral Stipulation added: Michael will go out of his way to avoid hurting Tommy's feelings.
(Note: You know how I said in the OP that some of Arseman's moral stipulations wouldn't be revealed until you play through the game? Yeah, this is how they'll be revealed to you. Remember, Lawful Evil is the name of the game.)
> Give him ten cents of your pocket money as “sympathy change”
"I'm sorry for getting angry at you, Tommy. Here." You pull two nickels out of your wallet and hand it to the kid. "It's, uhh... sympathy change."
Tommy holds up the coins and looks at them like they're some kind of ancient relic. "Hm, more artifacts for my collection... Apology accepted." He pockets the change and goes back to scavenging. Okay, now you've gotta figure out what he's doing somehow.
- Current Time: 9:12 AM
- Current Goals:
- Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
- Buy Sabrina a Christmas present.
- Get Cole Grossman off your ass.
- Figure out what the hell Tommy Baker could be getting himself up to.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable, Protein Bar (birthday cake flavor)
- Funds: $28.00 (loose change), however much is left on your credit card
[input command/dialogue]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat

> First order of business after waking up — go to the bathroom! No way you're gonna shit or piss your pants in front of Mitch!
"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."