It's the most wonderful time of the year! With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you, “Be of good cheer!” Except you aren't listening to them, because you've always hated the Christmas season. Well, you always hated everything, but there was something about the brightly saturated light displays, the insidious carols in constant rotation the moment Halloween ended, and the saccharinely sweet spirit that characterized the holiday season that really got under your skin.
Wait a minute… Who are you, anyways?
Your name is Michael J. Arseman, but most everyone in the neighborhood calls you “The Jackass,” and for good reason. From the moment you made your less-than-stellar introduction to the people of the Suburban Hills subdivision ten years ago, all of your neighbors have been vilifying you left and right. You hated it at first, but after a while you decided, “Fuck it. If these jackholes wanna hate me so much, I'll give them a reason to hate me!” And you did.
You always went out of your way to be mean, and the Christmas season — a season dedicated to spreading love and joy — was always when you were at your most insufferable.
Hello, and welcome to The Jerkass Chronicles! It's just the same as any other play-by-post Choose Your Own Adventure Game, except you're encouraged to be as much of a douchebag as possible! You have been given the chance to control a man who hates most everything in the world, so you better take it!
Now, the key word in the title is Lawful Evil. Arseman may be mean, but he's not straight up evil. You'll come to find over the course of the game that Mike has a well-developed (albeit pretty funky) moral code, and there's a set of boundaries he refuses to cross under any circumstances. I can't reveal all of them to you right now, but here are the ones that have been uncovered thus far:
- NO Bigotry. Racism, misogyny, queerphobia, ableism and the like are strictly off limits for obvious reasons.
- There's not much stopping you from committing acts of physical violence, but Michael outright refuses to beat up on children (under 18), the elderly (65 and older), and the physically disabled.
- Don't get too sexual. Mike loves a good dirty joke from time to time, but even suggesting the idea of sex crimes is off limits for reasons that should be obvious.
- Try to avoid deliberately hurting Tommy Baker's feelings.
- Eden Hawthorne is, like, your only friend. DO NOT jeopardize your relationship with her.
- The Grand Misgendering, a notorious Walmart microaggression, is old hat and shall never be discussed, ESPECIALLY around Eden Hawthorne.
- The following are Last Resort problem solving methods, only meant to be used when ABSOLUTELY no other options are available:
- Engaging in Karen/Daren behavior
- Blackmailing people
- Minimum wage employees already go through enough bullshit on a daily. Exercise caution when bothering them, and try not to add too much onto their load. Upper and middle managers, on the other hand...
- Don't break character when talking about online music reviewer Ryan Graham. Your hatred of him is played up for the bit, but it's a bit that's too funny to pass up.
- Some of these moral stipulations can be relaxed in scenarios where you can't directly see who it is you're interacting with (i.e. over the internet, etc.).
- If you can help it, try to be in bed by 9:30 PM.
- Given the choice to personally antagonize billionaires, take it without hesitation.
- If you aren't prepared to buy it, then don't bother breaking it.
- Any line longer than a quarter of a mile for an event that you don't already have a ticket for is a line you are NOT standing in.
Now, with that out of the way...
You sit alone, in your desolate room. No light. No music. Just a lingering sense of dread and your thoughts on how you could ruin Christmas this year. The lights are off, but a sliver of light shines in through your window, illuminating the room. In your small bedroom, there is your bed (which you are currently sitting on, a nightstand with three drawers and a lamp on top next to it, and a desk with a drawer in it, on top of which your trusty laptop sits. Your closet is built into the wall. There are no decorations in your room because decor sparks joy, and if there's one thing you loved, it was feeling miserable.
[input command]
Edited by Pogakure on Jul 22nd 2025 at 11:50:22 AM
> Wait, no... you now know his online identity in CHD, so you can't troll him in that game anymore... unless you don't reveal your CHD username to him for as long as you can. Better keep it on the down low, Agthor.
Edited by TroperNo9001 on Dec 26th 2024 at 2:10:52 AM
Still waiting for someone to break him free...> "Now if you excuse me... HEY LOOK, A COCKATRICE!" You point Tommy to an open window before sliding into the kitchen ninja-style.
Tommy doesn't look toward the window you pointed at, but that didn't stop you from slipping away into the kitchen.
There they stood in broad daylight — or lamplight, as they sat on the kitchen island directly underneath an art deco chandelier — those sweet, sweet peppermint cookies. Mrs. Baker had never made peppermint cookies as far as you could remember, but her cookies were always good, so there's no reason for these ones to be an exception. There were about ten or so cookies left on the plate. Mrs. Rosenthal was on her way out, taking a few cookies with her wrapped in tinfoil (no doubt to take back to her kids). Sarah and Mrs. Pullman stood near the stove, chowing down on a couple of cookies themselves. They were in the middle of a conversation — from what you could hear, it was something about celebrating the holidays with only one kid still living under their roof. They're distracted. No time like the present to make your move.
- Current Time: 7:47 PM
- Current Goals:
- Snag some of Mrs. Baker's peppermint cookies.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Pen, Credit Card, The Trap: A Deadly Romance, Dune
- Loose Change: $2.00
[input command]
I for one, as the GM, find these "internal monologues" fascinating. It encourages discussion amongst players and helps to make the game feel more lively.
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Try to start a conga line to distract the trio of ladies.
Sliding your way in front of the ladies, you start off by swaying back and forth, shaking your hips vivaciously in an alluring but non-sexually charged way. From there, you utter a chant that could lure even the strongest-willed to you like moths to a flame: the Forbidden Conga Mantra.
"Ha-cha cha-cha cha-cha! Ha-cha cha-cha cha-cha!"
Watching you "enjoy yourself" as you trot around the kitchen island, Mrs. Pullman shrugged as if to say, "Fuck if I have anything better to do," and joined the conga line, Mrs. Baker following suit. Mrs. Rosenthal had already left, so she couldn't be caught up in your trap, but it was working. You had become the Pied Piper to these middle-aged moms (which would probably feel disgusting to say out loud but who cares). Now it's time to make your move.
> ...and then steal a cookie while nonsexually shaking your ass in front of them!
On your third go around the table, you try to take advantage of the ladies' distractedness on account of your scintillating gyrations and snag a cookie from the tray. Shockingly, Casey and Sarah followed suit, grabbing cookies from the tray as well. Did they think that this was part of the dance?
You go around the table two more times. Each time you take a cookie from the middle, and so do the moms. This was starting to get ridiculous. You parted away from the conga line, three peppermint cookies in hand, thinking you can get away scot-free, when all of a sudden...
"And where do you think you're going?"
It's Mrs. Pullman. Shit. Better think of something, and fast.
- Current Time: 7:49 PM
- Current Goal: Wrap up business at the book club.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Pen, Credit Card, The Trap: A Deadly Romance, Dune, Mrs. Baker's Peppermint Cookies (x3)
- Loose Change: $2.00
[input command/dialogue]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> "To give one of these to Tommy! I'm still obligated to do one good deed this season!" And you did mean only one cookie, the two others, you secretly stash in your pocket.
Mrs. Pullman didn't care about the cookies. "Don't think you can leave outta here without your present."
"My wha?"
"Your present!" Mrs. Pullman reached into her large tote bag (she wouldn't be caught dead without that thing) and pulled out a slim green box with a red bow on top. "I know you don't want clothes for Christmas... but the moment I saw this at the mall, I instantly thought of you. Consider it a reward for not getting on my nerves this year."
That was... honestly? Really kind of her. Everyone in the Pullman family was really irritable, so to hear from the missus herself that you failed to do even a single thing to get on her nerves? On the one hand, progress is progress; maybe people were finally starting to get used to you! Took 'em long enough.
On the other hand, if you'd gone a full twelve months without making Ma Pullman mad, you were gonna have to step up your game next year.
You take the present out of Casey's hands with a faint "Thank you." Now, you kinda told these ladies that you were gonna give one of your cookies to Tommy...
- Current Time: 7:50 PM
- Current Goal: Wrap up business at the book club.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Pen, Credit Card, The Trap: A Deadly Romance, Dune, Mrs. Baker's Peppermint Cookies (x3), Mrs. Pullman's Christmas Present
- Loose Change: $2.00
[input command/dialogue]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Go back to the other room and give that cookie to him while hiding the two others in your pocket.
You catch Tommy as he's heading up the stairs. "Here." You pat him on the back to get his attention. Tommy doesn't say anything, just snatches the cookie and heads for his bedroom upstairs. Kid's social battery was drained. After what he'd been through, it was better to let him steep in his gamer rage.
>Passively listen to gossip to find ways of making hell for others later.
Your social battery was drained, too, so you decided it was about time to head on home. On your way out, you heard idle mention of Louisa Rosenthal starting her first Twitter account... You'll definitely take that into consideration for later.
Home sweet home, at last. With nothing better to do with yourself, what better time to call it a day?
You had a pretty well laid out nightly routine: Get dressed for bed, set out tomorrow's clothes, have yourself a pre-bed snack and, most importantly, be in bed by 9:30 so you can be up and at 'em early in the morning tomorrow primed for Maximum Jackassery!
Moral Stipulation added: If you can help it, try to follow your nightly routine and go to bed on time. A good jerkass needs his beauty rest!
- Current Time: 7:53 PM
- Current Goal: Engage in your nightly routine.
- Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Pen, Credit Card, The Trap: A Deadly Romance, Dune, Mrs. Baker's Peppermint Cookies (x2), Mrs. Pullman's Christmas Present
- Loose Change: $2.00
[input command]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat>If Mike has not taken a shower before, he will take a shower before bed and putting on his sleep clothes. Hygiene all that is important for all humans.
Tbh, I don't know what to do with the current goal other than try to finish quickly. I don't know Michael's pajamas, what clothes he wears, and the food in his house other than the cookies he swiped. For the roleplay, my mind has too many questions. Ooc I would ask all that to better get in Michael's head.
>If Mike has not taken a shower before, he will take a shower before bed and putting on his sleep clothes. Hygiene all that is important for all humans.
You've already showered once, but it doesn't hurt to shower again. Giving yourself the old hose down, you take your current clothes off and toss them with the rest of your dirty laundry, an ever growing pile of clothes in the corner of your bedroom. You put on a gray tank top and a pair of red plaid pajama pants; come to think of it, these pants were probably the most Christmas-y thing you own.
You go downstairs to hang up your coat, then take its contents back upstairs; you set your phone to charge on top of your nightstand next to your wallet, and your books on your desk. You put the peppermint cookies on a napkin, which you placed on your bed on top of the present Mrs. Pullman gave you.
The next step: Pulling something clean out of the closet and ironing it for tomorrow.
Current Time: 8:00 PM
Current Goal: Lay out an outfit to wear tomorrow.
[input command]
When the going gets slow, your best bet is to command Michael to do something and see what I reveal to you. I'm giving you leeway to goof off if you want to, just make sure the main conditions are filled and you can fuck around all you want until 9:30 hits. If you wanna know what's around Arseman's house specifically, go back through the thread and look for the descriptions I've given so far.
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Get your best Rust Buckets concert outfit for ironing.
From the recesses of your closet, you pull out an old Rust Buckets concert shirt. You'd managed to snag this when you went to one of their very first concerts in Hamilton Square, before they got big. This shirt was your pride and joy; so what if it was starting to shrink in the wash? You weren't gonna throw away a valuable piece of band memorabilia and a stylish shirt! You had to be careful with this one; not only were you gonna wear it tomorrow, but you also had to keep it clean for the big concert on the 24th. You dug some brown jeans out of your drawers, too, since society obligated you to wear pants.
You took the clothes downstairs, setting up the ironing board in front of your TV, and got to ironing. Flipping through channels in search of some good background noise, you eventually settle on a channel that was in the process of airing a holiday marathon of old, schlocky British sex comedies. Seems like this one's supposed to be spoofing Hammer Horror... Campy, sure, but an entertaining watch. That reanimated scientist's sister could get it tbh.
After you finished ironing, you decided this movie was worth a little bit more of your time. Why not get your late night snack in here and now?
[input command]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat> Get those pilfered cookies from upstairs, along with a few more snacks from the fridge, and binge on them and the movie!
You take your ironed clothes back to your room, swapping them for the cookies you swiped from Mrs. Baker's. Heading back downstairs, you pop some popcorn in the microwave, pour a glass of oj from the fridge, and neatly slide away your ironing board. Time to get comfortable, it's movie night!
Laying down on the couch, you indulge in your treats as you watch the movie marathon late into the night. Eventually, a deep sleep takes you into its arms, dreams of douchebaggery and British debauchery racing through your head.
End Of Day One.
And with that, finally, after nine months and thirteen pages worth of posts, the first in-game day of The Jerkass Chronicles has come to an end. This is by no means the end of the game; hell, we've only just begun! I know this ending might seem a bit rushed, but I planned to have the first day done by the end of 2024, and I'm glad the engagement has been high enough to make that possible. Now that that's been accomplished I'm gonna take a bit of a break to enjoy the rest of my winter vacation as I get everything ready for day two.
To tell you the truth, I was not expecting us to get this far. Things were kinda slow towards the beginning, with only one or two active participants and my terribly sporadic update schedule (which was entirely no one's fault but mine, btw), but when the Christmas season rolled around a huge spike in players encouraged me to get the ball rolling again. Thank you to everyone who's taken part in the journey so far. I'm not sure how much longer this game will keep running for, hope you're in it for the long haul.
The Jerkass Chronicles will resume some time in early January, I guarantee it. In the meantime, how have you guys been enjoying the game so far?
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseatI wonder how many real-world Christmases it'll take until Christmas Day itself in-universe.
But anyway, yeah, I've played some TVT Quest Threads/Text Adventures/CYOAs before, but they either petered out just when things are getting good, or they ended up becoming too difficult/railroad-y for me to engage in. I think the premise of playing a Jerkass character allowed more leeway with the commands, and so far, you've been reasonable with Michael's Moral Stipulations. Keep up the good work, can't wait for Day 2!
Edited by TroperNo9001 on Dec 30th 2024 at 8:56:59 PM
Still waiting for someone to break him free...Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I've never done anything like this before, so I'm glad this first attempt didn't turn out too bad!
Setting this thing during Christmas time is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, having it set during a specific time of the year makes it easier to establish a pre-set chain of events for players to engage with, mitigating some of the randomness that can cause single-GM operations like this to stall and establishing lore that keeps players interested. On the other hand, a lot of people tend to lose interest in Christmas-themed shit when it's not December, understandably, so the fact that this game got any engagement at all when it started in March was a pleasant surprise to me.
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseatSunday, December 19th, six days to Christmas.
Unfortunately, God was not strong enough to keep you from hearing your alarm this morning. You wake up in your bed with a long stretch, feeling the satisfaction of having been well rested. Another day, another chance to be a total dick!
That's odd. Last you remembered, you conked out on the couch yesterday night. Must've dragged yourself back to your bed in the middle of the night.
What better way to start off your Sunday than by opening up Twitter first thing in the morning and immediately setting yourself up for disappointment? The first thing to pop up on your feed was a post from the official Hamilton City Twitter account addressing the statement made by your fake parody account about the Christmas Tree Lighting downtown:
It has come to our attention that there is some confusion regarding the timing of our yearly Hamilton Square Christmas tree lighting event, so to clarify: the event will take place tonight, on December 19th, at 6:00 PM as intended. If you hear anyone claim that the Christmas tree lighting is set for the 21st, do know that their information is incorrect.
Naturally, your first response is to hop on the HamiltonCityREAL account and quote tweet their official statement, “addressing the real issue”:
Please note that the information in this post is actually outdated and therefore incorrect. The Hamilton Square Christmas tree lighting event will be taking place on Tuesday the 21st AS INTENDED. Mark from PR will be getting pay docked for insisting otherwise.
You had no clue if they had anyone named Mark working with Hamilton City’s PR team, much less operating their Twitter account. However, it was pretty damn funny to blame a critical PR snafu like this on one underpaid intern they keep around in a fruitless attempt at trying to be hip with the “online youth”.
You peer out the window. Snowflakes carried briskly on the wind cascaded through the streets of Suburban Hills, some of them frosting up on your window pane. Ah, winter. You had a love-hate relationship with this season, if anything because it put way too much free time on your hands.
For nine months out of the year, you worked in construction, getting contracted out to build and renovate stuff for local businesses and major corporations alike. It was a fulfilling gig; while you were working to help the commercial ecosystem of Hamilton County thrive (and getting paid decently for it), working out on the street gave you many opportunities to heckle passersby who tried to interfere with your work. However, from December to about mid-to-late February, the weather around your neck of the woods got too cold and unpredictable to consistently work outside, so you were laid off for a few months while your crew waited for weather conditions to improve. You didn't mind having to live off of seasonal unemployment benefits; it was finding shit to do to pass the time until you could work again that was the big issue.
Well, luckily for you, there was actually plenty of shit to do to pass the time today! For starters, you should probably focus on getting the house ready for Sabrina. She was supposed to be here by Monday at the absolute latest, so getting things at least slightly clean for her arrival should be priority number one.
After that? Hmmm…. Well, you could check up on the comment you left on Ryan Graham's latest video... Perhaps you could try to brave The Trap again... And weren't you planning to set up a scam to get your hands on someone's Twitter password?
- Current Time: December 19th, 8:00 AM
- Current Goal: Get the house ready for Sabrina's arrival.
[input command]
Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat

>Mental Note: Tommy Baker is filled with Gamer Rage and you are in his physical proximity. But that is for later. >When you next use Agthor the Strong, self-proclaimed King of the Hunters, you will have more information for vexing Tommy.