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The Jerkass Chronicles: A Lawful Evil CYOA

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It's the most wonderful time of the year! With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you, “Be of good cheer!” Except you aren't listening to them, because you've always hated the Christmas season. Well, you always hated everything, but there was something about the brightly saturated light displays, the insidious carols in constant rotation the moment Halloween ended, and the saccharinely sweet spirit that characterized the holiday season that really got under your skin.

Wait a minute… Who are you, anyways?

Your name is Michael J. Arseman, but most everyone in the neighborhood calls you “The Jackass,” and for good reason. From the moment you made your less-than-stellar introduction to the people of the Suburban Hills subdivision ten years ago, all of your neighbors have been vilifying you left and right. You hated it at first, but after a while you decided, “Fuck it. If these jackholes wanna hate me so much, I'll give them a reason to hate me!” And you did.

You always went out of your way to be mean, and the Christmas season — a season dedicated to spreading love and joy — was always when you were at your most insufferable.


Hello, and welcome to The Jerkass Chronicles! It's just the same as any other play-by-post Choose Your Own Adventure Game, except you're encouraged to be as much of a douchebag as possible! You have been given the chance to control a man who hates most everything in the world, so you better take it!

Now, the key word in the title is Lawful Evil. Arseman may be mean, but he's not straight up evil. You'll come to find over the course of the game that Mike has a well-developed (albeit pretty funky) moral code, and there's a set of boundaries he refuses to cross under any circumstances. I can't reveal all of them to you right now, but here are the ones that have been uncovered thus far:

    The Cardinal Three 
These are the big ones here. Regardless of wherever Arseman may go, these three rules should always be kept in mind when posting on this thread. They are as follows:

  • NO Bigotry. Racism, misogyny, queerphobia, ableism and the like are strictly off limits for obvious reasons.
  • There's not much stopping you from committing acts of physical violence, but Michael outright refuses to beat up on children (under 18), the elderly (65 and older), and the physically disabled.
  • Don't get too sexual. Mike loves a good dirty joke from time to time, but even suggesting the idea of sex crimes is off limits for reasons that should be obvious.

    Other Moral Stipulations 
  • Try to avoid deliberately hurting Tommy Baker's feelings.
  • Eden Hawthorne is, like, your only friend. DO NOT jeopardize your relationship with her.
  • The Grand Misgendering, a notorious Walmart microaggression, is old hat and shall never be discussed, ESPECIALLY around Eden Hawthorne.
  • The following are Last Resort problem solving methods, only meant to be used when ABSOLUTELY no other options are available:
    • Engaging in Karen/Daren behavior
    • Blackmailing people
  • Minimum wage employees already go through enough bullshit on a daily. Exercise caution when bothering them, and try not to add too much onto their load. Upper and middle managers, on the other hand...
  • Don't break character when talking about online music reviewer Ryan Graham. Your hatred of him is played up for the bit, but it's a bit that's too funny to pass up.
  • Some of these moral stipulations can be relaxed in scenarios where you can't directly see who it is you're interacting with (i.e. over the internet, etc.).
  • If you can help it, try to be in bed by 9:30 PM.
  • Given the choice to personally antagonize billionaires, take it without hesitation.
  • If you aren't prepared to buy it, then don't bother breaking it.
  • Any line longer than a quarter of a mile for an event that you don't already have a ticket for is a line you are NOT standing in.


Now, with that out of the way...

You sit alone, in your desolate room. No light. No music. Just a lingering sense of dread and your thoughts on how you could ruin Christmas this year. The lights are off, but a sliver of light shines in through your window, illuminating the room. In your small bedroom, there is your bed (which you are currently sitting on, a nightstand with three drawers and a lamp on top next to it, and a desk with a drawer in it, on top of which your trusty laptop sits. Your closet is built into the wall. There are no decorations in your room because decor sparks joy, and if there's one thing you loved, it was feeling miserable.

[input command]

Edited by Pogakure on Jul 22nd 2025 at 11:50:22 AM

Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#1: Mar 14th 2024 at 8:42:59 AM

It's the most wonderful time of the year! With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you, “Be of good cheer!” Except you aren't listening to them, because you've always hated the Christmas season. Well, you always hated everything, but there was something about the brightly saturated light displays, the insidious carols in constant rotation the moment Halloween ended, and the saccharinely sweet spirit that characterized the holiday season that really got under your skin.

Wait a minute… Who are you, anyways?

Your name is Michael J. Arseman, but most everyone in the neighborhood calls you “The Jackass,” and for good reason. From the moment you made your less-than-stellar introduction to the people of the Suburban Hills subdivision ten years ago, all of your neighbors have been vilifying you left and right. You hated it at first, but after a while you decided, “Fuck it. If these jackholes wanna hate me so much, I'll give them a reason to hate me!” And you did.

You always went out of your way to be mean, and the Christmas season — a season dedicated to spreading love and joy — was always when you were at your most insufferable.


Hello, and welcome to The Jerkass Chronicles! It's just the same as any other play-by-post Choose Your Own Adventure Game, except you're encouraged to be as much of a douchebag as possible! You have been given the chance to control a man who hates most everything in the world, so you better take it!

Now, the key word in the title is Lawful Evil. Arseman may be mean, but he's not straight up evil. You'll come to find over the course of the game that Mike has a well-developed (albeit pretty funky) moral code, and there's a set of boundaries he refuses to cross under any circumstances. I can't reveal all of them to you right now, but here are the ones that have been uncovered thus far:

    The Cardinal Three 
These are the big ones here. Regardless of wherever Arseman may go, these three rules should always be kept in mind when posting on this thread. They are as follows:

  • NO Bigotry. Racism, misogyny, queerphobia, ableism and the like are strictly off limits for obvious reasons.
  • There's not much stopping you from committing acts of physical violence, but Michael outright refuses to beat up on children (under 18), the elderly (65 and older), and the physically disabled.
  • Don't get too sexual. Mike loves a good dirty joke from time to time, but even suggesting the idea of sex crimes is off limits for reasons that should be obvious.

    Other Moral Stipulations 
  • Try to avoid deliberately hurting Tommy Baker's feelings.
  • Eden Hawthorne is, like, your only friend. DO NOT jeopardize your relationship with her.
  • The Grand Misgendering, a notorious Walmart microaggression, is old hat and shall never be discussed, ESPECIALLY around Eden Hawthorne.
  • The following are Last Resort problem solving methods, only meant to be used when ABSOLUTELY no other options are available:
    • Engaging in Karen/Daren behavior
    • Blackmailing people
  • Minimum wage employees already go through enough bullshit on a daily. Exercise caution when bothering them, and try not to add too much onto their load. Upper and middle managers, on the other hand...
  • Don't break character when talking about online music reviewer Ryan Graham. Your hatred of him is played up for the bit, but it's a bit that's too funny to pass up.
  • Some of these moral stipulations can be relaxed in scenarios where you can't directly see who it is you're interacting with (i.e. over the internet, etc.).
  • If you can help it, try to be in bed by 9:30 PM.
  • Given the choice to personally antagonize billionaires, take it without hesitation.
  • If you aren't prepared to buy it, then don't bother breaking it.
  • Any line longer than a quarter of a mile for an event that you don't already have a ticket for is a line you are NOT standing in.


Now, with that out of the way...

You sit alone, in your desolate room. No light. No music. Just a lingering sense of dread and your thoughts on how you could ruin Christmas this year. The lights are off, but a sliver of light shines in through your window, illuminating the room. In your small bedroom, there is your bed (which you are currently sitting on, a nightstand with three drawers and a lamp on top next to it, and a desk with a drawer in it, on top of which your trusty laptop sits. Your closet is built into the wall. There are no decorations in your room because decor sparks joy, and if there's one thing you loved, it was feeling miserable.

[input command]

Edited by Pogakure on Jul 22nd 2025 at 11:50:22 AM

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
CanuckMcDuck1 PEPSIMAN from Japan Since: Sep, 2023 Relationship Status: You cannot grasp the true form
PEPSIMAN
#2: Mar 14th 2024 at 8:50:09 AM

> Pick up Nightstand

Edited by CanuckMcDuck1 on Mar 14th 2024 at 9:50:39 AM

Do not mess with creatures which you do not understand.
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#3: Mar 14th 2024 at 9:32:08 AM

> Pick up Nightstand

You try to pick up your nightstand, and your phone slides off the top. Lifting up the nightstand took more energy than you had at this time of day, so you set it back down where it was.

[input command]

Edited by Pogakure on Mar 14th 2024 at 12:32:39 PM

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
Zanreo Gizmondo from Glitch City (Ten years in the joint) Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Gizmondo
#4: Mar 14th 2024 at 9:32:22 AM

>check drawers

My favorite failed console tbh
Myskywarm Always open to sharing avatars and chatting. Can message me for either. (He/Him) Currently watching: BTAS from Ee-arth (Troper Knight) Relationship Status: Wishing you were here
Always open to sharing avatars and chatting. Can message me for either. (He/Him) Currently watching: BTAS
#5: Mar 14th 2024 at 9:33:51 AM
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#6: Mar 14th 2024 at 9:47:21 AM

>check drawers

You open each of the nightstand's three drawers. In the top drawer was your wallet, a spiral notepad and pen, and three (3) stale peppermints. The middle drawer held a phone charger and a set of screwdrivers. The bottom drawer was empty.


> Log on into the internet with the laptop

You flipped open your laptop. It automatically opened up to Twitter, your favorite place to spread dissent and chaos. You scrolled through countless posts filled with unfunny memes, virtue signaling, and worthless complaining before stumbling upon a post that caught your attention. It was from the official Twitter account of the city of Hamilton, where you lived, and it read, Remember to join us on December 19th at 7:00 PM for our yearly Christmas Tree Lighting ceremony! We can't wait to light up the holiday season with all of you! Attached to the post was a picture of the big Christmas tree in the middle of the city square downtown.

Bah humbug. If only you could dislike Twitter posts...


[input command]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
CanuckMcDuck1 PEPSIMAN from Japan Since: Sep, 2023 Relationship Status: You cannot grasp the true form
PEPSIMAN
#7: Mar 14th 2024 at 5:28:43 PM

> Post misinformation on Twitter

Do not mess with creatures which you do not understand.
MatthewLMayfield from wherever he damn well pleases (Captain) Relationship Status: I wanna know what love is
#8: Mar 14th 2024 at 5:32:30 PM

> Hack someone's Twitter and post humiliating things on their account

Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#9: Mar 14th 2024 at 6:04:00 PM

> Post misinformation on Twitter

You logged into your alt @HamiltonCityREAL, a parody account made solely to impersonate the official Hamilton City Twitter page, and quote-retweeted their post, "clarifying" that the Christmas tree lighting will actually be on the 21st. The middle-aged moms will have no clue they've been duped!


> Hack someone's Twitter and post humiliating things on their account

You have no clue how to hack into other people's online accounts, unfortunately. If you called Mitch on your phone, he could probably teach you how. He seems like the kind of guy to know how to hack Twitter accounts.


Speaking of your phone — which is still on the floor, by the way — you hear a sound effect indicating that someone texted you a message play loudly from across the room. You never put your phone into silent mode ever, because you reveled in the annoyance people felt when they could hear every notification you got.

[input command]

Edited by Pogakure on Mar 14th 2024 at 9:11:50 AM

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
MatthewLMayfield from wherever he damn well pleases (Captain) Relationship Status: I wanna know what love is
#10: Mar 14th 2024 at 6:05:30 PM

> Learn the ways of hacking from Mitch

Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#11: Mar 15th 2024 at 3:40:26 AM

> Learn the ways of hacking from Mitch

Determined to learn how to dox people online, you scamper over to your phone and pick it up.

The first thing you see is a text from Sarah Baker, the woman who lived next door with her son Tommy. Ah, Miss Baker. One of the few people in the neighborhood who didn't immediately brush you off. She was pretty chill. Her text read, Book club meeting tonight has been pushed back to 7:00 PM, working overtime. You almost forgot that the book club you were a part of was supposed to meet today.

You didn't respond to her text. Instead, you dialed Mitch Fuller, compsci major, skilled programmer, and Egon Spengler lookalike. Surely he could teach you his hacker ways. Fortunately for you, he picked up.

(Note:Text is color coded depending on who's speaking. Michael will always be red. Mitch is blue.)

"Hey Jackass. What's up?"

Yeah, Mitch called you a jackass. Everyone called you a jackass. You were a jackass. It was basically a term of endearment at this point.

"Okay, so you know how to hack shit, right?"

"Uh... Yeah?"

"I need you to teach me how to do that."

"And you want me to disclose this information to you because..."

[input dialogue]

(Note: From here on out, you may find that sometimes you'll be given the option to input dialogue instead of/in addition to a command, usually in response to something someone else said to you. Logically, I can't use every line of dialogue you write, so I'll usually choose the one that I find the funniest.)

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
Zanreo Gizmondo from Glitch City (Ten years in the joint) Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Gizmondo
#12: Mar 15th 2024 at 4:53:00 AM

"idk just thought it would be funny"

My favorite failed console tbh
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#13: Mar 15th 2024 at 5:59:08 AM

"There's this lady next door who postponed our book meeting 'cuz she's been working her ass off the whole day. I wanna get back at her for that in the most humiliating way possible."

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#14: Mar 15th 2024 at 6:04:00 AM

> "idk just thought it would be funny"

"Really? You wanna become a hacker because you think it's funny?"

You snickered underneath your breath. "Yeah, kinda."

Mitch sighed. "Of course you do, Jackass. Look, tell you what, I'll be free around noon. Stop by my place around then and I'll teach you everything I know.

"Alright."

Mitch then hangs up. You check the time on your phone. It's only 8:45 AM, so you have about three hours to kill.

New Goal Unlocked: Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.

[input command]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#15: Mar 15th 2024 at 6:06:50 AM

> Check the closet for what you can wear to Mitch's house.

Edited by TroperNo9001 on Mar 15th 2024 at 9:06:58 PM

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#16: Mar 15th 2024 at 6:45:34 AM

> Check the closet for what you can wear to Mitch's house.

You are currently shirtless. You went to bed early last night, so you hadn't ironed a shirt for today in advance like you usually did. You opened your closet in search of a shirt, something not too embarrassing so that Mitch could tell you were serious about learning how to hack shit.

Three shirts caught your eye in particular:

  • A Purple Knit Sweater Miss Baker gave you for your birthday this year. You've never worn it, but it looks handmade.
  • A Shitty Graphic Tee that read "World's Greatest Master Baiter" on it, adorned with a fishing rod smack dab in the middle. You thought fishing was mid.
  • A Green Pinstripe Shirt you got for a cosplay you did a few years ago. You were gonna wear it to a con, but it was canceled on account of the convention hall catching on fire.

[Choose Your Shirt!]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
CanuckMcDuck1 PEPSIMAN from Japan Since: Sep, 2023 Relationship Status: You cannot grasp the true form
PEPSIMAN
#17: Mar 15th 2024 at 6:45:35 AM

> Do an evil dance.

Do not mess with creatures which you do not understand.
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#18: Mar 15th 2024 at 6:48:54 AM

> Wear the pinstripe shirt to show Mitch that you're a nerdy asshole ready to learn how to hack shit from him.

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
LucasdaKool Cellbit, a Notpron lover from the world of Puzzle Game Since: Sep, 2022
Cellbit, a Notpron lover
#19: Mar 15th 2024 at 7:11:00 AM

A new CYOA? That's nice

https://enigmatics.org/puzzles/
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#20: Mar 15th 2024 at 7:59:51 AM

> Wear the pinstripe shirt to show Mitch that you're a nerdy asshole ready to learn how to hack shit from him.

You put on the pinstripe shirt. It's a bit tight, and you can't get the top two buttons to stay buttoned, but it still fits after a good two years. You also take off your pajama pants and replace them with a pair of dark gray slacks. Now you look like a dork. A dickish dork. A dirck.


> Do an evil dance.

In celebration of still being able to fit in the pinstripe shirt, you do a devious little jig in triumph. Things are looking up!

You put your phone in your back pocket. You should probably grab a few more things before heading downstairs...

Current Goal: Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.

Current Inventory: Phone

[input command]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#21: Mar 15th 2024 at 8:07:51 AM

> Get the wallet, notepad, and pen from the drawers. Peppermints? Why the fuck should you care about how your breath smells? Ignore them.

Edited by TroperNo9001 on Mar 15th 2024 at 11:09:13 PM

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#22: Mar 15th 2024 at 8:23:02 AM

> Get the wallet, notepad, and pen from the drawers. Peppermints? Why the fuck should you care about how your breath smells? Ignore them.

You open the top drawer of the nightstand and take out the following:

  • Your wallet. Filled with standard wallet things. A credit card, 25 dollars in cash and another $3.10 in spare change, your ID, your driver's license. Y'know, wallet shit. You put the wallet in your back pocket.
  • A pen. Blue ink, with a clip and one of those really clicky buttons. You clipped the pen onto your shirt pocket, like a true nerd.
  • The notepad. It was opened to a page that read, "Don't forget about Sabrina's Christmas present, you fuck!" Shit, you almost forgot! You had to get your cousin Sabrina a present before she came into town next week! Should probably head to the mall or the supermarket for that... You put the notepad in your back pocket as well.

You didn't pick up the peppermints, mainly because them shits were probably stale as fuck and tasted awful.


Current Goals:
  • Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
  • Buy Sabrina a Christmas present.

Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen

[input command]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat
CanuckMcDuck1 PEPSIMAN from Japan Since: Sep, 2023 Relationship Status: You cannot grasp the true form
PEPSIMAN
#23: Mar 15th 2024 at 8:29:06 AM

> Leave bedroom

Do not mess with creatures which you do not understand.
TroperNo9001 MR. NAICE GUY from The Old Man’s Study (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Don't hug me; I'm scared
MR. NAICE GUY
#24: Mar 15th 2024 at 8:30:22 AM

> But don't forget the charger, and maybe pick up a screwdriver as well. Hacking may involve software stuff, but if things go wrong, you can just dismantle the entire damn PC with it.

I think you should also list the wallet contents, especially the money. They might be useful later.

Edited by TroperNo9001 on Mar 15th 2024 at 11:30:31 PM

"YOU ARE KAIND. MERSIFULL. AND, MOAST OF ALL... YOU DOAN'T KNOW HOW TO CLAIMB."
Pogakure Umapyoi! Umapyoi! from The big pile of ryegrass in the sky Since: Apr, 2021 Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Umapyoi! Umapyoi!
#25: Mar 15th 2024 at 8:45:54 AM

> Leave bedroom

> But don't forget the charger, and maybe pick up a screwdriver as well. Hacking may involve software stuff, but if things go wrong, you can just dismantle the entire damn PC with it.

You open the second drawer and put the screwdriver in your pocket. You're not sure if you'll need the charger plug, but you put the cable in your pocket anyways.

You open the door and step out of your bedroom. The upstairs bathroom stood across from you. To your right was the staircase that led downstairs to the kitchen, living room and foyer.


Current Goals:
  • Go to Mitch Fuller's house and learn his hacker ways.
  • Buy Sabrina a Christmas present.

Current Inventory: Phone, Wallet, Notepad and Pen, Screwdriver, Phone Charging Cable

Funds: $28.10 (loose change), however much is on your credit card

[input command]

Don't you ever fix your lips to say that, bruh. I'm sitting right here and I got my daughter in the backseat

Total posts: 472
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