Let’s Create an Awful Amusement Park!

We are pleased to announce the Pirates of the Mediterranean ride! It goes like this: You get keelhauled over and over until either your torn flesh is dangling from your body or until you dump your significant other. If you don’t have a significant other, sucks to be you, you gotta just wait until you die.

Why don't you also check out FortniteIRL! Be dropped into our massive post-apoctalyptic arena (set in lovely East Saint Louis, Illinois), and gather materials and weapons. Make sure to dodge the storm as you eliminate your opponents with real pistols, sniper rifles, miniguns, and fart bombs (which are not Geneva Conventions violating White Phosphorus, no siree!) We hope you win the #1 Victory Royale!

Crappy Land is in no way responsible for concussions, head injury, wood splinters, gangrene, tetanus, dismemberment, death, diarrhea, metaphysical annihilation, human rights abuses, the prolonging of 2020 by the addition of one or more day(s), the total obliteration of time itself, the cessation of Nebraska as a state in the union, Washington, DC casting its electoral votes for Donald John Trump, or flossing caused by participation in FortniteIRL.

Have fun riding the carousel! It may or may not be inhabited by a purple jester who throws card suits.

All this for the low, low price of an arm and a leg. We also accept left bollocks.

Thrill seekers, come check out our Paragliding Tours! Fly high above Crappy Land as you are strapped to a gorilla holding a paper thin glider!!!!! With a fatality rate of 1 out of every 2 riders, you are sure to have a good thrill!!!

I posted this entry in this thread, but it's good enough to post here.

For more traditional entertainment, visit our Renaissance Faire. It's main atraction? Public executions, on the top of the hour from dawn to dusk. Method is our choice. Hanging, beheading, death by a thousand cuts, you name it! There's no shortage of volunteers, given the other attractions of the park.

What's that? It's Gallows Man, everyone's favorite vindictive laughingstock of the Renaissance Faire! For every tomato you throw at him for $50, he throws two at you for FREE! But be warned: do not kick the Gallows Man's posterior or you'll end up chained next to him, and we'll refund anyone's tomato-toss money if they direct the tomatoes at YOU! Just look at the laughing faces of those passers-by! You're doing it for them.

Hey kids! Do you want a little bit of    chaos    in your boring birthday party? Fret not, as the Wacky Birthday Land is hosted by your's truly, Nyarlathotep the Crawling Chaos! In fact, he brought some friends along the way, such as Apophis, Bill Cipher, and Sock, so enjoy the clusterfuckery and abominable things eating your loved ones alive or turning them into walking piles of tentacled viscera and puss while the universe decays from the vile 2nd law of thermodynamics!

Edited by KJsixteen on Jul 23rd 2020 at 9:40:19 AM

We cut out the middle man with this attraction! Try our original carnival game, Russian Roulette: One Round of Fun! Five Contestants put a gun on a string against their head, and on the signal, shoot! Four of the guns are loaded, but one is not! The four children who got loaded guns die a painful death, while the kid who didn’t die, gets the knowledge that he was very lucky, and that the world is looking out for him.

Now Hiring: Blood Cleaners and Gun Loaders!

Bump

Forget bumper cars, we have a full-on Demolition Derby! Not responsible for death, dismemberment, or other debilitating injuries.

welcome to the all-new thrill ride, ROADKILLER—the only rollercoaster in the world where you can either ride in a cart or lay directly on the tracks! there's a separate route for each one, and they intersect quite frequently so you can see each other coming and watch helplessly as you cart riders run over the track layers over and over without being able to stop them! this'll be sure to get your adrenaline pumping! not responsible for injury, death, or dismemberment inflicted upon those who lay on the tracks.

Edited by KungFuCutBug on Aug 6th 2020 at 9:34:55 AM

Try our scientifically advanced attraction,You’re Getting Older! Come in, as normal, and ride the roller coaster of life! When you get off, you should be 90 years old! And guess what....90 years have passed! You’ve Wasted your life!

Then exit through the fun hallway, which at the end houses the literal Grim Reaper! He will kill you. You will now have wasted your life, doing nothing but riding a rollercoaster for 90 years! Have Fun! And Have Depression!

We don't have just a simple haunted house. We stepped up our game. Visit the Haunted Pyramid! That's right, we airlifted an entire pyramid from Egypt to convert into an attraction. So what if it's illegal? It's awesome!

Note that we don't actually know if the pyramid is haunted or not. Go find out for yourself.

For five bucks, you can play a game of Whack-A-Mole. We play them with real moles here; they keep getting into our food storage. Careful, they might bite.

Be sure to ride Shark Mouth, the only waterslide in the world to have you eaten by a shark! Disclaimer: Not recommended for people who care about living.

And don't worry, we have themed attractions and shows, too! Like The War Show, where we simulate real warfare for our fans, including actual bombs and chemical weapons!

You must sign a waiver before watching. No refunds.

Feeling a bit peckish after all that fun? Stop by Dirty Dick's Cafe for good food and serious health code violations! Come try the new Uuuuuhhhh Burger, with every ingredient plus the never-washed kitchen sink! And now, get a FREE case of botulism with every purchase of cold waffle fries!

Speaking of waffles, why don't you ride on Lil' Sebastian, the eighth-most-photographed object in the world? Of course, he's dead now, so you get to ride on a hologram of him that has the same spontaneous erections as that poor lil' pony used to too.

Come visit the legendary ride that is the Perfectly Normal-A-Tron! You sit on a mildly uncomfortable chair on a large, potentially rotating platform, then the platform and chair... DO NOTHING AT ALL!!! Cheer in delight at the extreme thrills of sitting there and waiting for your time to be up! The Perfectly Normal-A-Tron is made from an old carousel that we tore up without the motor. Best of all, it's perfectly safe, and has passed all safety inspections to date!

We're proud to introduce our newest ride, the Actual Teacups! Tired of other teacup rides where all you do is spin around for a few minutes? Well, this one takes the name literally and simulates the experience of being a tea-leaf in a cup of boiling water. Warm up in the winter-time and leave smelling like tea! We don't stop the ride until the cooking process is complete, so just sit back and relax while you boil.

But what would a visit to Crappy Land be without our North Dakota Tours? In these, you won't be finished until literally every square inch of North Dakota is visited. Yes, I do mean literally. Tours are free, but with a $1000 deposit, forfeit if you leave the tour at any time before its completion.

Edited by Kappaclystica on Sep 8th 2020 at 12:07:50 PM

come play our laser tag, says the other parks. ‘its a fun time!’ they say. but our laser tag is guaranteed to be the most fun. featuring glory kills, melee weapons and a realistic gib system, its gonna be a good ol fun time! (if you live, that is)

Come on in to our Sunhouse! That's right, not funhouse, sunhouse! The mirrors will reflect so much light and heat you're guaranteed to come out nice and crisp (and blinded too)!

Most parks have a haunted house during October, but we do things differently here. We convert the Sunhouse into an Escape Room game, and the sun-crisp corpses of those who couldn't escape become our Halloween decor. Can you survive the Sunhouse Escape Room? Find out now, for only one ticket and a Halloween pass!