Epic Failure Game

It landed on its side.

I attempt to combat a virus

In your attempts to combat a virus, you destroy the facility so hard that it needs to be reset, cause a flood of chicken and gravy, kick the warehouse door so hard it collapses, eat a couple of rats, fail to eat a dijinn's heart, give a kid an identiy crisis, and ultimately scumb to the virus.

I go on a keto diet.

you lost too much weight and died

You want to arrive at your new job promptly on time at 9 AM, so you plug your smartphone in to charge, set your smartphone alarm for what you think is 8 AM and go to bed promptly at 6 PM. You're startled awake at 8:00 PM by your alarm — you mixed up AM and PM. You reset your alarm, making sure it's 8 AM and not PM this time, and drink a glass of warm milk. You wait impatiently to fall asleep again, then get frustrated and drink a Gigantic Gulp of warm milk. The warm milk sends you into a sleep so sound, you don't wake up in time to get to the bathroom. When you wake up at midnight, you're so groggy you think it's a good idea to do laundry right then and there instead of quickly changing the sheets and waiting until you have time after work to do laundry. You're also so groggy, you fail to notice that you've put too much soap in the washing machine. You fall asleep, but soon wake up again to find your house flooded with suds. You think you're dreaming, so you skip around the house giggling and popping bubbles all throughout the rest of the night. And then you're mesmerized by the pretty sunrise light shining through all the bubbles that are still left. Shortly afterwards, you collapse and fall asleep again. At 8 AM, your alarm fails to go off because your smartphone short-circuited in all the suds. At 9 AM, your new boss notices you haven't shown up and tries to call you, but of course he can't reach you because your phone died. You end up sleeping through most of your first day of work. When you finally wake up, you're still just groggy enough to where you Failed a Spot Check, not noticing the soggy surroundings or the fact that your smartphone is dead, or that what you think is the sunrise is actually the sunset. You drive to work, walk in the door whistling, and say "I'm here, bright and early! Where do I start?" Your boss is so infuriated, he doesn't even demand an explanation before stapling your pink slip directly to your forehead.

I try to play Among Us.

For some reason every game you join has every other player agreeing that because your red your sus and you die never finding out what happens after the first vote.

I attempt to build a house in Minecraft

A house? IT BARELY EVEN RESEMBLES ANY SORT OF COHERENT STRUCTURE!!

I try to scream.

You ended up ripping your voice box out.

Oof.

I try to hug my cat plushie.

Terror takes the sound before you make it.

You squeeze it too hard and rip its head off, causing stuffing to fly everywhere.

I try to read a newspaper.

Edited by NineTailedCat on Feb 7th 2021 at 12:26:54 PM

It all somehow flies apart to pieces the moment you unfold and open it up.

I sit on a recliner.

The thing suddenly folds and collapses upon you, and...shit. You're stuck in the recliner and can't die.

I get myself possessed by an artificial intelligence.