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You're explaining it to Technologically Blind Elders, so Pop-Cultural Osmosis Failure ensues. They lose patience with you and beat you with their canes until you get off their lawns.
I attempt a diplomatic negotiation with a mermaid. (Bonus points if me being a lady is somehow relevant in some way to my failure.)
You have to do it in the ocean, your tank runs out of air and you drown. The merpeople are somewhat offended about you dying and decide to wage war on humanity, wiping both species out mostly. Among the remnants of the species females are now oppressed as the person who caused this tragedy in the first place was female.
I try signing up for an RP.
The GM bans you for putting a one-line description of your character.
I try to make a website.
Your HTML code is so buggy, the resulting Mind Screw visuals get the SCP Foundation's attention. They confiscate your code and give you amnestics.
I try to unbend a paperclip.
The paper clip snaps in two... at the atomic level.
I attempt to play Pokemon Mystery Dungeon.
The thing which has the game explodes.
I dab on a mountain.
This causes a chain of events that leads to you dying in an avalanche.
I have a picnic in the park.
Yogi Bear steals your food.
I try to become Spider-Man
"How do i shot web" you ask as you plummet to your death.
I attempt to s***post.
The mods delete your posts. ALL OF THEM.
Nope, you IMPLODE instead.
I attempt to sandwich post.
You end disrupting the flow so badly the mods insta-ban you
I decide to retire some money from my credit card
You become the Not Always right customer who ignores the Out of Order sign on the ATM.
I try to return a mysterious blond wig that smells like soup and mothballs to Lucius Malfoy.
Edited by Miss_Desperado on Feb 3rd 2019 at 8:53:05 AM
You step on a piece of gum while trying to return the wig. You realize that having gum on your shoe is bad, so you go home to put on some shoes without gum on them, but all the shoes without gum on them are in the wash, so you decide to go barefoot, but, later on your journey, you step on a thumbtack. You yell in pain, and hop off the sidewalk. Into the path of a moving bus. And you forgot the wig at your house.
I run to the other side of the street to avoid getting hit by a moving bus.
You fall into an open sewer line straight into the mouth of the only sewer alligator in existence. The bus lurches to a stop well before it gets to where you were anyway. There was a BIG sign there that said BUS STOP in flashing lights. I try to make coffee.
Edited by CenturyEye on Feb 6th 2019 at 10:23:21 AM
You fall asleep before you can put the coffee pot under the percolator. Each drip of coffee falls onto the hot plate and leaves a buildup of burnt residue. Congratulations, you have a burnt-coffee stalagmite.
I try to train my Cute, but Cacophonic dog to stop barking on command.
The dog bites your hand off when you try to command it.
I try to sit on a chair.
You break it and fall on the floor... and then you make a big hole in it and fall through.
I try to compose a song.
You write "On Mount Golgotha" ... or at least a part of it.
I make a wish to a Benevolent Genie.
But he lied—he's actually an evil genie...and he's just corrupted your wish in the worst way imaginable.
I try to stare at a wall.
You're in the Labyrinth — the wall stares back and then Jareth shows up to distract you.
I try to bake cupcakes.
You turn the dial and it breaks. Then the oven door falls open and off. Then your apartment goes up in a blazing inferno. And the cupcakes are still batter in the cooking sheet... which landed at an angle so all the cupcake batter slowly leaks out. I try to change a tire.
It somehow explodes violently and some debris hit you with enough force to cause long term brain damage and a premature death.
I am browsing fanfic looking for mary sues.
One of the said Mary Sues improbably climbs out of the screen and stabs you.
I try to watch paint dry.
A painter is painting above you, and his paint hits you on the head, and you die. Also, the paint just dried after you died.
I ride a bike.
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