I suppose there are parts where it IS a subway, then there are parts where it is a tunnel through a mountain, and a railway above the ground.
The end point was definitely one, since Nick and Judy climb the stairs to exit.
My DA account... I draw stuff sometimes!So I have a question for anyone who's familiar with "The Stinky Cheese Caper." As Outback Island features heavily in that story, it's going to be my main source of reference for anything Outback-related, which includes the next few chapters of my fic. What I'm wondering is where exactly I should put it in relation to the rest of Zootopia. The book says that it's to the far north and accessible by bridge, but I kind of wanted to make it a more isolated community than that. The original concept art puts it to the far south and it seems to only be accessible by boat, which is more what I'm going for. So what do you think? Should I stick with what the book says, or maybe go for a blend of the two ideas?
edited 14th May '16 2:01:46 PM by Berserker88
I personally would think it would work better if it was to the south and only accessible by boat, much like the real Australia. Well, that's also accessible by plane, but regardless. :V That being said, if it's at all possible, I would try and avoid specifying altogether if there's conflicting accounts, and leave things up to the reader. Just in case later material comes out which Josses one or the other.
Also, while we're on the topic, does the book say anything about what's actually on the island? I haven't gotten to it yet, but later on in my story will be a scene taking place on Outback Island, where a character is living in what can only be described as a postmodern McMansion.
I should point out that I haven't actually read that book; I'm just going by instincts here.
edited 14th May '16 12:50:18 PM by PresidentStalkeyes
Those sell-by-dates won't stop me because I can't read!Well it's not really conflicting accounts. Concept art shouldn't really be taken as canon even when there's nothing to contradict it. Regardless, I'll probably go with that interpretation anyway. Frankly, it just makes a lot more sense, especially since you'd think an island connected by a bridge would be plainly visible in the actual movie. Thanks for the input, though I do feel the need to bring it up in case anyone gets confused. That's precisely why I include a footnotes section, to explain my thought process on these things.
As for locations, there's two that stood out to me. Marsupial Marketplace, which is exactly what it sounds like, and Sheila's Cafe, a restaurant with koala and kangaroo waitresses that carry extra napkins and straws in their pouches. There's also this popular perfume called Eau de Outback going around. Just some cool stuff for local flavor. I may or may not use all of that. And there's at least one location of my own design.
You're most welcome.
Incidentally, this damn chapter is getting too long again. Except this time I don't feel like splitting it up because I've already been putting off the second half, which was originally going to be Chapter 2 in the first place. I get the feeling that it'll end up being nearly 7000 words. Hope that's not too long.
Those sell-by-dates won't stop me because I can't read!Jesus Christ. I thought me getting up to 3,000 was pushing it...
edited 14th May '16 6:51:20 PM by AnotherTerribleAuthor
My fanfiction.net account, for those brave enough.TIL I really, really suck at chapter length.
Gonna' start working on that.
My fanfiction.net account, for those brave enough.So, it's a little behind schedule, and I finally decided to split the chapter. Nonetheless, here's Chapters 3 and 4, back-to-back:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11924329/3/BvB-Butting-Heads
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11924329/4/BvB-Butting-Heads
I can't say I understand the joke there. Is it because... she's a female Disney character, and Snow White is also a female Disney character, ergo, they are ripe for sharing clothes? :V
I think I may have noticed a problem with my writing, actually. I seem to have difficulty accepting dialogue when it's just on its own, with no words surrounding it. I sometimes feel like, when I write dialogue, the character needs to be doing some kind of subtle gesture at the same time for it to be justified, or if nothing else, then they need to say it in a certain way. Or hell, just having "'Insert line here', they said."
Those sell-by-dates won't stop me because I can't read!![]()
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I'll read it laters!
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I don't get it too. But when I do, imagine Flash's face as it lights up as Nick tells a joke!
So if I understand it correctly, you don't like:
"Hey, let's go out for coffee!" (Judy said)
"How's Snarlbucks?" (Nick said)
"Come on, something cheaper this time."
"Do I look like I know any good places that aren't going to burn a hole in your wallet?"
"Why, yes, yes you do."
And you prefer:
Judy leaned forward and put her elbows down on the table, forming a shelf with her paws to support her chin. "Hey, let's go out for coffee!" she said.
Nick raised his eyebrows. "How's Snarlbucks?" he said, forming a weird smile.
Judy raised her own eyebrows. "Come on," she said, "something cheaper this time."
That forced a chuckle out of Nick. He pointed at himself and teased, "Do I look like I know any good places that aren't going to burn a hole in your wallet?"
After a cough and a pout, Judy snatched the sunglasses from Nick's forehead. "Why yes, yes, you do," she sneered.
I'm not sure except to say, whichever you prefer. It seems to be all down to writing style. Though sometimes you can trim the excess descriptions of the character motions and let the reader imagine those, themselves. (Assuming you believe the reader doesn't just imagine the characters as just plainly standing/walking and talking to each other.) Since those excessive descriptions aren't necessary to understand the plot, but they do add a lot of personality to the actors. The disadvantage of adding those descriptions to dialogue is that it can get very wordy, and an excess might turn quick chats into walls of text.
Take the above examples, in the both versions, you can infer that Judy doesn't believe Nick doesn't know any cheap hangouts considering that he's a hustler. In the second one, though, I have just indicated the furniture in the room, and added body language subtext. If you think I'm implying she's flirting with him, then maybe I did... <3
tl;dr: You may need to mix it up, since the reader might get tired by too many walls of text, and rest using short sentences and chats, meanwhile you may need the longer descriptions to add spice to the scene.
(edit: I... I can't believe I just wrote that scene...)
edited 17th May '16 6:27:57 AM by Malco
My DA account... I draw stuff sometimes!
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Basically Judy's actress also played Snow White in Once Upon a Time.
edited 17th May '16 6:55:52 AM by Psyga315
...Oooohh yeeeeah...
Apparently she also played "Zelda" in a short film called Zelda: An Extrospective Journey. Although I'm guessing it's not that Zelda. I believe that's just a perfectly normal, if rather uncommon, name.
Those sell-by-dates won't stop me because I can't read!BvB3
So I liked the exposition here. Even if it was all in the mind of our hero you made it very interesting. I liked how there was even a bit of worldbuilding in a simple train ride.
I wonder if our hero's past will be exposed at one point, but since you mentioned it, it's gotta matter! Unless it's only something illusory Dawn is using to make a guy insane, as she said. I wonder if our hero is doubting his second chance policy, apparently it screwed other people over in the past.
So two cons: Sam barely knows this client on a personal level, why is it affecting him so much? Maybe I'll find out in the next chapter when I get around to it. Also, fake Dawn saying outright that she's trying to make someone insane is funny, but for me it takes away from immersion. :)
edited 17th May '16 7:45:58 AM by Malco
My DA account... I draw stuff sometimes!I pretty said as much too about false Bellwether, though it makes me more interested in seeing the real one again.
Chapter 5
. This one's not too exciting, but it needed to be written nonetheless. I just can't wait to get past this beginning slog and move on to where things actually get interesting.
Wonderful job as always, Berserker. New recruits, eh? Can't say I see where you're going with them, but it'll be interesting to find out.
Also, why didn't they go for the raccoon? A 97-year old with dementia is the perfect cover-up! Load up the SWAT van and take down that ring-tailed mother-fucker before he strikes again!
My fanfiction.net account, for those brave enough.![]()
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Just reviewed the latest chapter, and I mentioned in the review itself that I have a question. Which I do.
So, is Feral Dream something that's well-known amongst the criminal underworld of Zootopia at this stage, and how long has it been around? I ask because (assuming you're okay with it), I was going to later include an appearance by that same drug (or possibly a similar Night Howler derivative) in the posession of Sam's go-to drug dealer, who's a relatively small-time figure (both figuratively and literally), all things considered.
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I should mention that I'm going to read the latest chapter of your story as well; I got kind of distracted beforehand.
@Malco: I would respond to your comments, but I feel like waiting until you've seen Chapter 4 before I say anything, if you were wondering.
edited 17th May '16 10:41:12 AM by PresidentStalkeyes
Those sell-by-dates won't stop me because I can't read!I don't see why not. I generally don't have a problem with "shared IPs" so to speak, as long as I get credit. Though it's not like Night Howler derivatives are the most original idea I've had. I've seen at least three others before I started writing this.
Anyway, I implied in Chapter 3 that it's fairly common knowledge in the criminal underworld, but the ZPD was only aware of the existence of a smuggling ring, not the derivative formula involved. As you can imagine, it's also fairly recent given that the actual Night Howler Incident wasn't so long ago. If you want to know what exactly its effects look like, then you might want to wait a few more chapters for no particular reason at all.
edited 17th May '16 10:54:02 AM by Berserker88

edited 13th May '16 6:49:26 AM by AnotherTerribleAuthor
My fanfiction.net account, for those brave enough.