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dRoy Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar from Most likely from my study Since: May, 2010 Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#276: Jan 6th 2014 at 8:08:43 PM

@Insano - Okay, I just read through the passage.

There is...something that feels...off about it. I can't quite explain how, but it's there. Things that I think I can explain are:

  • Did I read it wrong or is everyone in Team PIGS related? If it's the latter, it's kind of...I don't know, strange? Also, I think you should have had them meet after each of them wandered around the forest a little bit. You know, give them a bit of monologue and individual action: Individual identity is important, you know?

  • Something about the scenes feel disjointed and abrupt. Fight scenes seem to happen for the sake of fight scenes (this is something Under the Ashen Sky is guilty of as well). I don't feel any narrative direction and the scenes don't flow, if you know what I mean.

Perhaps these are not appropriate criticism I can give after reading only part of it.

That said, character dialogues don't feel choppy, like many OC and even canon character fics do, and the description is plentiful (although a bit too much, in the case of Sarah).

By the way, I think you need to reconsider your characters' name. The names, both individual and team, really lack particular color association. I mean, yeah, midnight, innocence, pig, but people don't immediate associate them with colors.

Normally I wouldn't care about it, but since it's the only rule that Monty Oum specifically stated about OC, I think you should abide it.

I'm hoping that you don't take this criticism personally; I sincerely don't intend any mean-spiritedness.

Continuously reading, studying, and (hopefully) growing.
Insano Mad Pinoy from At my laptop, refusing to waste time Since: Mar, 2011 Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
Mad Pinoy
#277: Jan 6th 2014 at 9:12:29 PM

@dRoy: Criticism is criticism, man. And right now, I'm feeling that you have a couple of good points. And there's always something off about my writing, anyway. Probably will make me be a researcher/scientist/theologian/god-forbid-a-schoolteacher instead of an author as a career.

  • @Point 1: Yes, everyone on Team PIGS is related by adoption. That was established over at post 234. It's strange, sure, but in a world where sisters can be called Rose and Xiao Long and still be blood-related, I'm pretty sure we can let this fall to the wayside. As for the other part, that's a legitimate gripe and I guess I need to write some more to develop these characters before they partner up. I guess since that worked in Episode 4 (with the exception of Jaune and Pyrrha who kind of hooked up almost immediately), I should probably do the same.

  • @Point 2: Fight scenes are happening for the sake of fight scenes, yes that's very true. But I feel slightly justified here in that the Emerald Forest is basically Grimm territory, and fights can happen at any moment with little warning. As for narrative direction and lack of flow in scenes, I'm an amateur in his junior year of high school. I have no complete idea as to what those terms mean, and I'm more or less just writing whatever comes to me and I might need someone to tell me how that kind of stuff works.

  • @Other Points: Thanks for the dialogue compliment; I didn't really think I could do it that well. As for the Sarah descriptor, I guess I'll either cut it down, eliminate altogether, or insert it into the new lone scene I'm going to have to write for her and each of the Nobels to display character and appearance. Whatever.

  • @Color Rules: Here's the list as to the color meanings. Forgive the characters for not being too obvious; the color is in their last names.
    • Pius Ashen: "Ashen" is supposed to call to mind the color gray. You know, like ashes.
    • Gregory Argentum: "Argentum" is the Latin for silver, referring to Gregory's shininess compared to Pius' dullness.
    • Innocent Crimmson: "Crimmson" is a Punny Name referring to crimson, a shade of red.
    • Sarah Midnight: More or less refers to her midnight black hair and overall color scheme of black with streaks of blue/purple in it.
    • Team PIGS: I guess this does sort of violate the rule a little if we're going to nitpick about what specific color it's supposed to signify. When I was coming up with the team, the word "pigs" made me think of the dirty muck that pigs seem to enjoy so much and I thought that it would make a good contrast against the other teams who are so far named after something shiny (RWBY), something nice and flowery (JNPR), or something majestic as far as small birds go (CRDL). I thought the name would make an especially good contrast against CRDL, what with its team made of jerks and getting a respectable-sounding team name while Pius has to lead a team made of genuinely decent, if not a little quirky, people whose team name makes others think of filth and poverty.

Overall, I thank you dRoy for taking the time to read my passage and giving your honest thoughts about it. It was obvious that my fic needed work, and I needed someone to point me towards the parts I needed to clean up, and I think you've shown me the general direction so far. As a preemptive thank-you, I'm pretty sure I did a review of each chapter of Under the Ashen Sky based off of what I immediately thought of it after rereading each one. Which was pretty good for an OC fic, especially with the worldbuilding fake excerpts from the first three chapters that I have the mounting suspicion I'll never see again for the rest of the fic, though I'm sure the quality can survive without it.

edited 6th Jan '14 9:26:31 PM by Insano

Allurand and surrounding world loading, 28%...
dRoy Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar from Most likely from my study Since: May, 2010 Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#278: Jan 6th 2014 at 9:20:12 PM

Oh, so their last names do have colorful meaning. Only the first names were shown in the passage, so I only made an assumption from it, sorry about that. tongue As for Midnight...eh, I guess it works.

Also, thanks for the compliment. smile

I can see that you liked the fake excerpts a lot. I had fun writing it as well. I just didn't put them in Rufus' chapter because it wasn't needed anymore. The excerpts were about giving backgrounds to the main factions of the story: Hunters, Grimms, SDC, White Fang. The first three excerpts (and infodump) covered them all, so I didn't really see any need to put one for her chapter.

I could have put one about White Fang, but...you know, actually maybe I should.

edited 6th Jan '14 9:46:55 PM by dRoy

Continuously reading, studying, and (hopefully) growing.
TheNobody Since: Jan, 2011
#279: Jan 7th 2014 at 8:48:39 AM

@ Aura vs Semblance: I see... That is, I can't come up with additional questions currently. Thanks for the explanation, and I'm sure to bother you again.

Rather than smart, I'd prefer to be wise. It would let me be silly more often.
mega-dark Moe Game Console from Planeptune Since: Feb, 2010 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Moe Game Console
#280: Jan 8th 2014 at 7:58:07 AM

From the guy that brought you that Persona fanfiction where the Personas have personalities brings you a fic where team RWBY and team JNPR Weapons come to life. Or Bleach filler arc meets RWBY. I give you A Will of Steel.

Hyped for Hyperdimension Neptunia V 2
dRoy Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar from Most likely from my study Since: May, 2010 Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#281: Jan 8th 2014 at 9:46:37 PM

Ah, hahaha. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Finally...FINALLY...

Chapter 5 of Under the Ashen Sky is here.

Featuring the entirety of Team SCFR, right before they enter Beacon (except Schiefer, he had a bit more business with Roman). Holy crap, this is the longest single chapter I've ever written. Now Under the Ashen Sky clocks at 40K words, making it one of Top 50 the longest RWBY fanfics in Fanfiction.net.

Obviously it's the quality of the fanfic that matters, not the length, but goddamn it I'm excite for some reason!

So...review please? tongue[lol]

Continuously reading, studying, and (hopefully) growing.
Emperordaein Grant us eyes from Australia Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: Hugging my pillow
Grant us eyes
#282: Jan 9th 2014 at 5:21:47 AM

Chapter 2 of Mummy Catastrophe is done! Where Team RWY do some sleuthing, Blake experiences questionable care, and Weiss experiences what it's like on the other side.

A corpse should be left well enough alone...
VoidsEmpathy Emissary of the Void from Realm of In-Between Since: Jan, 2011 Relationship Status: A heart full of love
Emissary of the Void
#283: Jan 9th 2014 at 5:47:39 AM

I'm not sure what to think of Team Jail... I guess it's the summary that makes it seem like a Bad Fic...(shudders)

Okay...it's about as bad as I thought it was...

edited 9th Jan '14 5:51:10 AM by VoidsEmpathy

[DATA LOST]
dRoy Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar from Most likely from my study Since: May, 2010 Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#284: Jan 9th 2014 at 7:06:03 AM

Yeah, that does have an awful summary and just as awful story. Really, you can't expect a good story when the summary is awful.

...I'm hoping that my summary isn't too bad.

Continuously reading, studying, and (hopefully) growing.
SaintDeltora The Mistress from The Land Of Corruption and Debauchery Since: Aug, 2012 Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
The Mistress
#285: Jan 9th 2014 at 7:38:44 AM

[up][up]To be fair... isn't the author called "The Really Bad Writer"?

Maybe it is supposed to be a parody?

"Please crush me with your heels Esdeath-sama!
dRoy Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar from Most likely from my study Since: May, 2010 Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#286: Jan 9th 2014 at 10:20:00 AM

All right, Under the Ashen Sky reached 1, 000 views.

...Shut up, let me enjoy my small achievement. tongue

Continuously reading, studying, and (hopefully) growing.
VoidsEmpathy Emissary of the Void from Realm of In-Between Since: Jan, 2011 Relationship Status: A heart full of love
Emissary of the Void
#287: Jan 9th 2014 at 12:10:39 PM

@Saint: yeah, it's probably a parody, but the Fic wasn't labeled as such. So we may never know...

[DATA LOST]
TheNobody Since: Jan, 2011
#288: Jan 10th 2014 at 6:11:14 AM

@ d'Roy: Arrrgh, when will I finally get to reviewing your fic?

Rather than smart, I'd prefer to be wise. It would let me be silly more often.
dRoy Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar from Most likely from my study Since: May, 2010 Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#289: Jan 10th 2014 at 6:28:01 AM

Haha, take your time. smile

Continuously reading, studying, and (hopefully) growing.
Emperordaein Grant us eyes from Australia Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: Hugging my pillow
Grant us eyes
#290: Jan 10th 2014 at 6:15:57 PM

Does anyone here have any thoughts on my second chapter? I'd like some feedback if it's okay.

A corpse should be left well enough alone...
RocketDude Since: May, 2009
#291: Jan 10th 2014 at 8:51:33 PM

Interesting escalation on it, I'd say. Naturally, they'll meet the bandaged girl next.

strangerthenever Since: Nov, 2009 Relationship Status: Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
#292: Jan 10th 2014 at 11:38:06 PM

Damn, mummy girl is whacked! Kinda reminds me of the titular mummy from the Mummy Returns movies. Except less genocidal

You know, there should be more horror references and fanfics for RWBY. Can you imagine Alien (you know, the ones with the facehuggers) or Predator? Would kick so much ass XD

Or like I said before, something akin to Lovecraft; eldritch abomination coming out of the seas and stuff.

A stranger is like the shadows.It is so common to the world everyone will just ignore them.
Emperordaein Grant us eyes from Australia Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: Hugging my pillow
Grant us eyes
#293: Jan 11th 2014 at 12:46:36 AM

I wouldn't say she's based on that. I'd probably say she's closer to a loose homage to the classic Hammer Films Mummy. Although I could totally see a Classic Monster themed Team in Canon down the line. Consisting of characters based on Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, The Mummy, and The Wolfman/Werewolf.

Also, I do wonder if people have figured out the quirk about Sety's state? Oh, and her name comes from the Egyptian word for Yellow Ochre. Took me a while to find a suitable name~

A corpse should be left well enough alone...
strangerthenever Since: Nov, 2009 Relationship Status: Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
#294: Jan 11th 2014 at 3:06:15 AM

Oh, Van Helsing! Especially the Hugh Jackman version, he's PERFECT for a RWBY crossover [lol]

Speaking of actors, would be awesome to see a character based on Sir Christopher Lee as a veteran hunter. Or even Sean Connery.

A stranger is like the shadows.It is so common to the world everyone will just ignore them.
Emperordaein Grant us eyes from Australia Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: Hugging my pillow
Grant us eyes
#295: Jan 12th 2014 at 3:05:34 AM

[up]A Van Helsing character would be somebody I would see as a legendary Hunter, like one of the first, and most revered ones.

A corpse should be left well enough alone...
strangerthenever Since: Nov, 2009 Relationship Status: Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
#296: Jan 12th 2014 at 3:25:34 AM

Indeed, and you guys know what else is perfect for a RWBY crossover? Castlevania. I can see one of the Belmont's whipping Grimms already XD

Not to mention the games are basically the Belmont's story of vanquishing Dracula, I can see one of their descendant being friends with the Arcs.

A stranger is like the shadows.It is so common to the world everyone will just ignore them.
FOFD Since: Apr, 2013
#297: Jan 16th 2014 at 6:28:59 PM

Oi.

Y'all should check these out.

Vault of Vytal. Vault Hunters come to Vytal.

Path to Redemption. What Miltia and Melanie did after the Yellow trailer apparently.

SAGE Black. RWBY crossover with Future Diary.

Point of Light, another Borderlands crossover.

RWBY Resolve.

edited 1st Feb '14 5:43:37 AM by FOFD

dRoy Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar from Most likely from my study Since: May, 2010 Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#298: Jan 18th 2014 at 12:17:43 AM

I should get around playing Borderlands one of these days. [lol]

For those of you interested, Under the Ashen Sky Chapter 6 is up.

I fear that the time between chapters are increasing while writing quality is not. D:

Continuously reading, studying, and (hopefully) growing.
Neep Revolution of Ruin from Booooooooomblastandruin Since: Jan, 2001
Revolution of Ruin
#299: Jan 18th 2014 at 9:24:26 PM

[up] *sigh*

I'm sorry to tell you this since you are a decent guy, but I had to stop following in the middle of chapter 5. Seriously, please get a proofreader or something.

You've lost. You're the Bomb Squad after the bomb's gone off. I'm the blast ongoing.
dRoy Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar from Most likely from my study Since: May, 2010 Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
#300: Jan 18th 2014 at 9:51:36 PM

Darn, it is that bad?

I never had a proofreader before. Hmm...not sure where to find one.

Continuously reading, studying, and (hopefully) growing.

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