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ewolf2015 MIA from south Carolina Since: Jan, 2015 Relationship Status: I-It's not like I like you, or anything!
MIA
#876: May 6th 2016 at 2:14:54 PM

Name: ezaniel ravecoft
Age: he's around 15 years of age
appearance: his body has what you may call a pretty boy build. he isn't too buff but he ain't skinny either. he has dull purple eyes and grayish spiky-ish medium length hair and he's kinda short in stature.oh and he has pointy ears too.
Personality: he's at best a bit laid back yet still tries to his hardest to get stuff done. he lives off his days chilling,joking around with friends of his and loves a good prank or two if he's in the mood of course and even seems focus in his head contrary to his attitude. he can be level headed when puts his mind into it especially when he's in close combat. he's confident as he's risky and is willingly to cheat and smooth talk his way out of danger when necessary. to him, the world is something to screw around with and have little fun with it (since life can be quite boring for him and hence why he loves black magic so much).
Abilities: due to his innate knowledge of the chaos arts, he can easily overcome challenges that are deemed near impossible for anyone to pull off. he's also well versed in close combat and usually uses his magic staff as a bo staff to combine his magic into a melee stance.
Weaknesses: he may be a child prodigy in the arcane arts but he's yet to appreciate the full potential of white magic itself. when he even tries to pull off a white spell, he ends up making things worse than expected which makes him a shit healer. he can be quite naive and oblivious to things that seem not to be trusted at all to the point it could lead him to danger when he least expects it.
Goals: after his mentor was stolen by a shadow beast from another dimension, he has to save him from getting himself killed by them or worse.
Motivation: ezaniel looks up to his mentor like a father figure and can't bare to lose him.
Role in the story: as usual he's the main protagonist.
Backstory:He was just a little boy when his father had been killed by his mother, zeilus after she returned from the war between the terians and the dwarves had came to an end. He and his sister were left to the care of kindly middle age lady in a far off village.As life in his humble village was to be expected as peaceful if not monotonous. for a young boy, his magic was quite promising. he was able to conjure up spells that could take years to master and he was prompted to enrolled in davemenson's school of the magically gifted. at first, he was poked fun of by kids older then him but they so learned to respect his gifts (after they nearly got themselves killed in a prank that was suppose to get ezaniel eaten a wood troll). though the years he lived in this humble school, he proved to be talented in the ways of black magic yet never give a second thought on trying white magic because of how he considers it "lame" and never manage to make life more interesting for him. his mentor had hoped his apprentice at least began to open up to it but to no avail. during midnight, ezaniel was currently studying and memorizing each spell for his next magic training session until he felt something was calling. curious, he dropped his book, walked upstairs to his mentor's spell room which laid before him was a wide open tome . he couldn't help but touches it. he begins to read the contents out loud until his mentor barges in and tries to stop before it's too late yet he couldn't make it. the book created a large interdimensional portal that releases a large beast composed of shadow into this world. the beast was about to pounce on ezaniel until his mentor jumps in the way and is dragged into the shadowy portal. the poor young apprentice felt so guilty for what he done. he tried recreating the spell, using spells similar that, and even bashing his head on the tome. left with little options left, he sets off to find someone who knows how to open the portal again in time before his mentor goes mad with insanity due to the dark dimension's effects on the psyche.
Relevant Tropes:
  • Kung-Fu Wizard: ezaniel prefers to use his staff as more of a melee weapon than a tool for channeling magic.
  • Full-Contact Magic: some of his arsenal of moves are like this.
  • Kid Hero: and how!
  • Black Mage: instead using spells associated with the dark arts, he plays more like those final fantasy black mages.
  • The Prankster: seems to like to screw around when he isn't serious.
  • Superpowered Evil Side: his dark or chaos form is more willing to kill and will not hold back not even if a enemy begs for mercy.
  • Custom Uniform of Sexy: a rare male example. compared to everyone else who are quite modest, he seems to not mind only wearing a open short hoodie and kinda lacking a shirt under it.

edited 9th May '16 4:09:47 AM by ewolf2015

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Tomodachi Now a lurker. See you at the forums. Since: Aug, 2012 Relationship Status: Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
Now a lurker. See you at the forums.
#877: May 8th 2016 at 11:53:34 PM

Alright, let me dissect:

Ezaniel ravecoft. That's an odd name. He is basically an elf, a sorta bishonen that likes to show off his body, and his personality is actually quite laidback. A Mr. Fanservice, with a dark super form, with an evil parent.

Doesn't convince me. Sounds like a Marty Stu to me. He sounds more like a fanservice character than a protagonist. Or maybe his history just feels quite generic so he doesn't really tells me "Hey, interesting!"

edited 8th May '16 11:54:13 PM by Tomodachi

To win, you need to adapt, and to adapt, you need to be able to laugh away all the restraints. Everything holding you back.
ewolf2015 MIA from south Carolina Since: Jan, 2015 Relationship Status: I-It's not like I like you, or anything!
MIA
#878: May 9th 2016 at 4:08:37 AM

Fuuuuu...ok. tell me how can I fix him.[up]

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BlakBasket Since: Dec, 2015
#879: May 12th 2016 at 8:14:56 PM

[up] Hmmm... you have a good start for your character, but agreed with [up][up]; it needs to be spruced up a bit! Ok, lets see what we can do:

To start off, Ezaniel can turn into really interesting character just by one simple characteristic you've included; Black Magic. That alone can set up interesting plot points and development depending on how you play your cards. There are a few ideas that can be played with but i'll come back to that later. For his personality, he's laid back but is very hard working. That's cool, but how 'bout we try to put a little spin on it? Ezaniel could be Brilliant, but Lazy, as he really is intelligent but some people can interpret his laid back attitude as laziness. Maybe he has an inferiority complex which is my he works and studies so hard. He's a prankster. Nice and solid characteristic. Will his pranks be more innocent and friendly or do his pranks actually lead to more injuries or worse than he intended? This are all suggestions, so need need to take what I say and stick to it.

Instead of having him be the "Oh so, child prodigy that's supposedly gifted", maybe Ezaniel is addicted to black magic which is the reason why he can pull off most of the difficult spells. And because of this addiction, he accidentally conjured up a spell that opened this interdimensional portal during one of his midnight studies. Maybe this addiction is the catalyst for his Superpowered Evil Side. His addiction to magic can be justified with his inferiority complex if you decide to take it into consideration.

Now, regards to Ezaniel's Superpowered Evil Side. Let it be known that this has been used 'many times in shounen works. To the point where it can come off and cliche and boring. I'm saying it's a bad thing, just be aware you're gonna need to take a different approach, something more...realistic. Usually, when a protagonist has an demon mode that increases their power 10 folds in which they can conveniently turn on and off, their friends and loved ones may be shocked upon first noticed, but then will brush it off like no big deal and continue to be all happy and cheery with the protagonist. Now let's be honest, I'm pretty sure if anyone found out about their friend having a completely different unknown form, they will freak the hell out. This will be the perfect opportunity to have Ezaniel's friends and loved one turn a complete 360 and turn on him.

I believe I've given enough ideas for you to consider and work around with. Again, these are all suggestions. Hopefully this will be of good advice and help and wish the best on your end! :)

edited 12th May '16 8:24:29 PM by BlakBasket

Well, what do you think everyone? ~
ewolf2015 MIA from south Carolina Since: Jan, 2015 Relationship Status: I-It's not like I like you, or anything!
MIA
#880: May 13th 2016 at 12:38:48 AM

[up]hey thanks, yet sadly...I few things had to be changed since I needed to fix his backstory because it's little too generic but I'll consider maybe keeping a few things intact with your ideas of course.

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KazuyaProta Shin Megami Tensei IV from A Industrial Farm Since: Jan, 2015 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Shin Megami Tensei IV
#881: May 16th 2016 at 10:47:37 AM

This will be the perfect opportunity to have Ezaniel's friends and loved one turn a complete 360 and turn on him..

Eh...not really, with make them Properly Paranoid and terrified will be enough. Make them lost every trust in Him will be absurd.

[up] Ezaniel sound as a Badass Adorable.

edited 16th May '16 10:48:32 AM by KazuyaProta

Watch me destroying my country
handlere The Exia is my waifu from Hell Since: May, 2011 Relationship Status: Robosexual
The Exia is my waifu
#882: May 16th 2016 at 10:48:50 AM

[up][up] Also, 360 degrees means that their opinion spins in a circle, but doesn't change at all. Probably not what you meant.

About Ezaniel; he isn't even close to being a Mary Sue, he's just slightly generic. He's an extremely powerful character at such a young age, has a dark form, and is a bishonen. Still, though, his dislike of white magic is certainly interesting, as well as him being more of a physical fighter compared to the more common Squishy Wizard. He has potential, you just need to flesh him out a little bit more.

edited 16th May '16 11:00:56 AM by handlere

Seen in the profile picture: the Gundam Flauros Rebake Full City, piloted by McGillis Itsuka, captain of the Turbines
KazuyaProta Shin Megami Tensei IV from A Industrial Farm Since: Jan, 2015 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Shin Megami Tensei IV
#883: May 16th 2016 at 12:45:05 PM

[up] We share opinions.


Well, now is my turn. After Three rewrites of the basic draft (...Six rewrites of the same story, it don`t even look as the original -and this is good, the original draft was mediocre-) now i finally managed to shape my goody two shoes MC with surprising utilitarian beliefs (this make lots of sense, anyone heard about Second Level Utilitarianism).


Name: Brandom Harlaw

Age: 16 in the first chapter-18, in the end.

Appareance: A Heroic Redhead, slighty effeminate and a bit pale. Usually in a highschool uniform.

Habilities and Weakness: Use demons and mythological creatures as Mons. (I have a heavy influence of Shin Megami Tensei, to the level who i can actually change names and try to pass the story as a SMT Fanfic where the Law fraction are the good guys...this was the real origin of the story actually). His demons used are Flamis,Saint George (The Archetypical Knight in Shining Armor, a badass dragon demon slayer), the angel Remiel (Thunder of God, know who powers had -aside of healing, obviously-) and ultimately, Metatron, Voice and Avatar of God. Bran fight style involve working with demons, Bran ultimately use the demon powers to empower himself, he use Flamis "bless" as a way to get Super-Strength, Super-Speed and Fire powers as a example (also, the Super-Speed and the Super Strengh are very relative, he is stronger than a normal human, but only a bit). Brandon best hability is use demon spells to attack, normally as a Pragmatist Combat. The fact who he had mythologic knowledge can really help him to find the weakness of a demon enemy. As downside, Bran don`t really can`t fight against other humans, he lack psychical strength and agility (he needs his demons to compense that).

In the emotional side, Bran is emotional and stoic and the same time, he might be one of the kindest guys in the city but also he can adapt himself quicly to repentine changes keeping -most of- the calm. Bran biggest emotional weakness is his unnability to find a genuine middle point, or act as a emotional Hot-Blooded Nice Guy or being The Stoic, he can change between those moods so quicly in the moments of tension who is almost uncanny.

Motivation and Goals: Brandon grown in Bachilea, the last country in the world after a cataclism know as The Great Destruction, where the world was consumed by a nuclear war who make people feed to the Antartica where mankind use technology in order to create domes of thousand of Km who can made it habitable, Bachilea now looks as a XXI century society, is a atheistc country where the religious people are an a absolute minority. Brandom was raised by a religious grandmother and lovely altrustic and atheistic parents (who were too busy with job, like the 85% of Bachilea`s adults). This combination made Bran tolerant of Religion in a world who is the utopia of militant atheists (imagine r/atheism trying to build a society) and a altruistic person who like helping others every time who he can (even if he is a self proclaimed lazy, he don`t like real work actually). Brandon had a innate desire to help others ( Is genuine, but part of the root of this is Bran trying to prove himself as a Worthy Sucessor of his Grandma, when Bran get the demon summoning program and discover the existence of demons, Bran use the powers to protect himself, when the story continue, Bran change his goal to "Protect myself and my dear ones" to "Save every life who i can" and then to "Save the World" ( Of both humans and demons, and then give the world to the guidance of God`s will. In a Lawful Neutral Utilitarian gobverment who maximizate happiness in general.

Backstory: Raised by both His parents and his grandma, Bran was raised as Nice Guy with a desire of help others, after her loverly grandma died of old age, Bran was left alone with his parents being too busy with their jobs, Bran raised himself with Internet and books becoming a walking collection of trivias, in his early teen years, Bran become The Cynic, until he become friends with Michael, a friendly companion who share a interest in mythology with Bran and Mary, a girl of her school who spend a lot of time sleeping in the class, after developing a crush in Mary Bran choose to left "that pathetism of edgy teen" and be again a Nice Guy.

Then, a year later, Bran recieve the demon summoning program and the hability of summon Flamis.

Brandon is insecure and midly paranoic, he had a issue with people, he had a obsession with save others, being propense to White Knighting and give low priority to his own needs, Bran had a historial with the idea of The Needs of the Many, thinking who if he is forced to sacrifice his life for a segure greater good, he will celebrate because is his live and he is only one life.

Bran also is a Otaku, or the closest thing to a Otaku in Bachilea, Bran is actually a very open minded guy, liking series of several genres...but with a extreme aversion to Utsuges and depressing, psychological series (unless the series had sobrenatural elements, or something who distract him for the full depression, for example Bran can read the Bland-Name Product version of Mnaga/Berserk normally, but he can`t touch things as the equivalents of the works of Inio Asano), i actually like use this a easy way to show who Bran lack emotional strenght and is propense to Escapism, Bran respond saying "why someone will want to be sad?" (I don`t know Bran, maybe you`re a coward with fear of afront tragedy and you lack artistic merits? Me too)

edited 16th May '16 6:30:41 PM by KazuyaProta

Watch me destroying my country
handlere The Exia is my waifu from Hell Since: May, 2011 Relationship Status: Robosexual
The Exia is my waifu
#884: May 17th 2016 at 12:24:33 PM

[up]

...imagine the people of r/atheism trying to build a society....

Aaand now I'm imagining a society full of people like this dude. I can't stop laughing.

Honestly, though, I find myself liking the previous Brandon (and the previous setting) more than the new one. Although I still dig his personality (if not moreso; nice guys that can decide to get serious when the time is right? Awesome.), his powers and Mons actually feels a bit too derivative from SMT (to the point that you may be accused of plagarism), and that may be the death knell for the story as a whole. A good starting point may be changing the term "demons" to something else.

Anyways, here's a character for my new story, whose summary you can find here. For those who don't like reading walls of texts, I've provided a TL;DR: A children's card game is even more serious business in a high school than usual. Think Yu Gi Oh GX meets Kill La Kill.

  • Name: Eilee Delgado/Birth GEAR Cell
  • Appearance: Here; here is Birth GEAR Cell.
  • Age: 15-16ish. Although she doesn't really look or act like it.
  • Image Song: Tachiiri Kinshi/No Entry. For those who aren't fluent in moonspeak, you can find the translation here.
  • Personality:
    • At first glance, one may think of Eilee as the archetypical Emotionless Girl: cold, stoic, always in control, and a tad standoffish, coupled with a large dose of “total apathy”. This impression only lasts for as long somebody strikes up a conversation with her, and it becomes clear that Eilee is just upholding that facade, and is not doing a particularly good job of it. In fact, she oftentimes showcases emotions before remembering that she’s supposed to act like an Emotionless Girl, at which point she freezes up again.
    • Even without the Emotionless Girl baggage, though, Eilee sure has the cold and standoffish parts down. It’s honestly easier to list the moments where she isn’t snarking at something or somone (most often at Nathael) than to list the moments where she is.
    • However, deep inside, Eilee is actually hurting bad. Up until the series begin, she has suffered from abuse, bullying, and neglect, with a grand total of ’’’one’’’ Pet the Dog moment that’s granted to her in her background. If one says that the universe hates her guts, they’re probably not that far off the mark.
    • The result of the above makes her have a self-esteem of approximately negative eleven. I wish I was exaggerating this: she basically thinks her only redeeming factor is her skill in Manaweave, and she’s not even sure about that. In addition, she is paranoid that everybody is out to humiliate, mock, or rag on her, and considering her past record with other people, it’s sadly enough justified.
  • Abilities:
    • Since Eilee lives in a world where the TCG Manaweave] is Serious Business, she has her own deck, which honestly kind of sucks. Most of it consist out of mismatched generic cards, often with low offensive power and relatively high costs. Still, there are some diamonds in the rough there, but they are few and far between.
    • The true saving grace of her deck is her Armor card, Birth GEAR Cell, which aside from being a Lightning Bruiser with high stats, also has the ability to destroy either her own or her opponent’s Summon’s(essentially Monster or the Creature cards), granting it their abilities. Naturally, since there’s a glut of powerful Summons used by the Top 50, she gets a lot of mileage out of this ability.
    • Eilee is probably the best fighter of all the leads, and that’s saying something. Whether it’s hand-to-hand, swords, polearms, or even ranged weaponry, she just has a knack for those things. And, given her deck, which is well, crap, she really needs any skill she can get.
    • In addition, Eilee also has the best grasp on the fundamentals of Manaweave; whilst the others are relatively specialized and can afford to gloss over certain rules (since they wouldn’t be using those mechanics anyways), Eilee’s deck of disparate Com Mons forces her to fight as smart as possible.
  • Weaknesses:
    • It should be repeated that Eilee’s deck sucks. Since her deck mainly consists out of Com Mons that others has carelessly dropped away, forced to give away in duels, or simply bought on the cheap, it simply lacks the synergy and/or raw power that others with “proper” decks have. Putting it in this way; she’s the one Yu Gi Oh player who still plays the same deck for over seventeen years, even after Power Creep sat in.
    • Even the lone saving grace of her Deck, Birth GEAR Cell, isn’t completely invincible. It’s Mega Manning effect has a steep cost in Mana, and also has a time limit of thirty seconds on the copied abilities.
    • As for the “personal” weaknesses, Eilee cannot operate in a social environment even if her life is at stake. Hailing from a Friendless Background and too busy providing for herself to actually meaningfully interact with people, she never really learned to speak with people. This leads to several problems in the story.
  • Goals: Eilee first simply wants to complete her studies at Excalibur as soon as possible. However, after being dragged into Nathael’s completely nutty quest, she starts to actually follow his goals.
  • Motivation: Eilee wants to escape the shitty life that she was in permanently, and going proffesional seemed like the best way for her.
  • Role in the story: Eilee’s pretty much the main protagonist, to be honest. Although she was initially conceived as The Lancer, she basically grew to become the main character in most respects.
  • Backstory:
    • Eilee didn’t exactly have a happy childhood. Her parents died in an unspecified accident whilst on a business trip when she was very young, and for some inexplicable reason, she was put in the custody of her aunt, who is honestly a shitty person. Her aunt only bothered to take Eilee in for the money, and basically used nearly all her money for booze, neglecting her at best and being abusive at worst. To make matters worse, she was bullied at school, too, making her heavily withdrawn and loathing any kind of social contact. And for a while, it seemed like there’s no end to any of it.
    • However, one day, everything changed. After one particularly bad day when she was walking back home crying, she accidentally bumped into a wandering traveler, who is actually the former world Manaweave champion, before he resigned from it. After a small talk on the bench with the traveler about why exactly she was crying, the traveler gave her her first card, Birth GEAR Cell, and encourages her to “reach the top” before leaving, never to be seen again.
    • After that encounter, all that’s on Eilee’s mind is mastering Manaweave and going pro, in order to get out of her living situation, cobbling all the cards she can get her hands on in a deck. And she did so with gusto, frequently topping local competitions and actually managing to get a scholarship to the prestigious Excalibur Institute for Higher Learning. Still, though, even with her newfound skill in Manaweave, she still gets ostracized by other students, if even moreso (since they don’t know why a girl without any money to actually buy good Manaweave cards manages to get an extremely prestigious and rare scholarship to Excalibur), which is why she develops her chilly persona.
  • Relevant tropes:

edited 18th May '16 12:42:30 PM by handlere

Seen in the profile picture: the Gundam Flauros Rebake Full City, piloted by McGillis Itsuka, captain of the Turbines
KazuyaProta Shin Megami Tensei IV from A Industrial Farm Since: Jan, 2015 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Shin Megami Tensei IV
#885: May 17th 2016 at 2:10:26 PM

[up] I´ll admit it, but personally, i can´t find a best way to justify the huge Fantasy Kitchen Sink, also, how i can change the term demons?. Is just used as a way to refer to everything sobrenatural, of course, this is because SMT use demons as a synonymous of Daemon, who is means the same.

Don´t worry about his morality, he always know how get serious. What you expect from someone who spent his childhood reading books on philosophy?

And the r/atheism comparation, yes, i must find other one, i mean, is a society where religion is almost banned but isn´t dogmatical and without a cult to the leaders.

edited 17th May '16 2:14:41 PM by KazuyaProta

Watch me destroying my country
SephirotAero Since: Apr, 2014
#886: May 17th 2016 at 9:48:17 PM

[down]EDIT: Sorry, about not critiquing your character. I've posted here before without critique and no one seemed to mind.

With apologies out of the way, hmm... I will say that Eilee does need to be a bit less...gloomy. The way you describe her makes her sound like she's at risk of depression or something like that (Especially the whole "'one' pet the dog moment" and "self esteem of negative eleven). Also, you may not want to flesh out the deck too early, since you don't want to limit your options. Still...man I've been waiting to see a series like yours though. Try not to make her too strong though, the whole Power Copying makes it sound like she'll stop being the underdog, which is actually what makes her interesting

  • Name: Daniel (No last name, yet)

  • Age: Unspecified. Dates are really weird for this story. He isn't older than 27 though.

  • Personality: Downplayed Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist combined with Straight Man. At least, as far as you can go with that while having the Interactive/Lemony Narrator living in your head

  • Abilities: Since this is an RPG Mechanics 'Verse, everybody is measured with Skill Trees, a Class and Level System, as well as The Six Stats (May or may not actually be six, but you get it) and a tier list. All of these run on Rule of Funny (The tier list is comprised of completely arbitrary titles, from "Dog Tier" at the bottom, to "Stiletto Tier" for special cases). As such, here are his character stats:

  • Stats:

  • Skills/Perks:
    • True Artistic Skill (Lv. ?/?): Actually possesses skills in the arts, which accounts for low stats since art skill is not quantifiable. Unfortunately, this means he'll probably never be successful.

    • Genre Savvy (Lv. 2/5): Knows the conventions of the story....to limited accuracy. Can't predict everything, but knows he's in a story. Deconstructed, in that this causes him to lose faith in the world and generally become the curmudgeonly prick we all know and struggle to love

    • No Fourth Wall (Lv. 3/5): Again, knows he's in a story. Kinda hates it though. His skill is high enough to understand references to pop culture whenever he sees it.

    • Basic Fighting Skill (Lv. 0/1): Possesses some...wait, how is it that low?

    • Good With Kids (Lv. 4/5): Weirdly high. Very weirdly high, actually

  • Class: Lord

I thought we agreed not to steal from Fire Emblem?

Daniel: Do you have any better ideas?

No, but...wait, who narrated that part with the skills? Or anything that wasn't me?

Daniel: I....um....me.

So, you literally just talked about yourself in third person. What are you, a-

Daniel: Look, who else was I going to trust to do this perfectly? You?

I AM YOU, YOU IDIOT! WE'VE HAD THIS CONVERSATION MANY TIMES!

Daniel: THIS IS A YELLING MATCH NOT A CONVERSATION!

(People in the library are beginning to stare at Daniel)

MY VOICE WILL COMMAND YOU!

Daniel: NO, I'M NOT SIRI, YOU SICK BASTARD!

No, you're right, you aren't Siri, and I shouldn't call you by that name. No...you're Cortana

(At this point Daniel is thrown out of the library)

Daniel & The Narrator: ...what?

  • Weaknesses: Having some annoying prick living inside his head can actually lead to some very interesting situations, as shown above.

  • Goals: To be honest, it starts off as a Random Events Plot. Picks up from there once he sees his (comically) evil family members

Mentioning they are doesn't fix anything

Daniel: SHUT UP ALREADY

  • Motivations: His brother's kinda evil, a lot better than him at most things, and that voice in his head keeps telling him to deal with him, telling him it'll make him deal with his past.

  • Backstory: Kind of already showed you what it's like...

edited 18th May '16 1:25:11 PM by SephirotAero

handlere The Exia is my waifu from Hell Since: May, 2011 Relationship Status: Robosexual
The Exia is my waifu
#887: May 17th 2016 at 9:55:13 PM

[up], I don't want to sound rude, but would you kindly critique Eilee first before posting your own character?

Seen in the profile picture: the Gundam Flauros Rebake Full City, piloted by McGillis Itsuka, captain of the Turbines
handlere The Exia is my waifu from Hell Since: May, 2011 Relationship Status: Robosexual
The Exia is my waifu
#888: May 18th 2016 at 12:33:57 PM

(double-posting to bump this thread for a bit)

[up][up] On Eilee's gloominess and borderline depression: it's not a bug, it's a feature. Really, she's meant to be like that, and I probably toned down the Emotionless Girl aspects way down from the original draft.

On her deck and Cell's Mega Manning ability: Don't worry too much about that. The series' power levels are wack already, and with a low-power deck, the only reason why she got so far in the first place was because of Cell's power-stealing ability. Also, I'm going to pull the Yu Gi Oh method of pulling out cards from her deck out of nowhere (because they were always in her deck, but we never actually saw them), so don't worry about that.

As for Daniel, well, I couldn't really say anything bad about him, if only for how off the wall his character (and accompanying snarky narrator in his head) is. I get the feel that this is supposed to be something of a Widget Series, and that it doesn't need to make much sense. It's not exactly for me, but I know plenty of people who'd love that, so there's that. One thing to make sure of, however, is to tone down the random "narrator snarks at Daniel" moments a bit; there's something like too much of a good thing, after all.

Seen in the profile picture: the Gundam Flauros Rebake Full City, piloted by McGillis Itsuka, captain of the Turbines
SephirotAero Since: Apr, 2014
#889: May 18th 2016 at 1:24:04 PM

[up]The thing is...it's actually supposed to make sense. Like, I didn't want elaborate on his backstory, because that stuff is spoilery. He as a character is not particularly interesting, but his environment is actually what's supposed to draw you in.

I may post the whole story on the WIP thread you've opened

WillDeRegio Since: Jan, 2015
#890: May 18th 2016 at 2:15:53 PM

[up][up][up][up]First impression: reminds me slightly of Deadpool. Second impression: he seems to have a pretty crappy life.


Name: Junko Shibata

Age: 17

Personality: She's hot-blooded, competitive, and relatively friendly.

Abilities: She's has some experience in martial arts(Still deciding what variety she practices), and due to a self-imposed training regime, has much higher than average strengthnote  and durabilitynote . This is before she found out she had latent magical power. Her Magical Girl power set consists of:

  • Passive ability enhancement
  • Regeneration
  • Fire generation, control, and resistance
  • Weak sensation of auras.

Weaknesses: She has Blood Knight tendencies, and is quick to go charging into a fight. She also has a tendency of fighting up close and personal, despite having access to long range magic.

Goals: Her original goal was to run her grandfather's dojo when the time came, however, after finding out she has magical abilities, and that due to a Broken Masquerade, the world is about to erupt into a massive magical conflict, she now works at becoming a powerful magical girl.

Motivation: She cannot tolerate watching people suffer due to others.

Role in the story: Deuteragonist.

Backstory: As a child, she had to deal with an abusive, alcoholic father following her mother's death due to illness. Fed up with abuse, she ran away from home, and moved in with her grandfather, were she took up martial arts training to become stronger. A few years later, she noticed juvenile delinquents mugging one of her classmates. She took them on, and despite being younger, and out numbered, she managed to hold her own, until one of them decided to run her over with a car. The delinquents took of after realizing she was still willing to fight. She soon gained a name for herself for her vigilantism. A few more years later, the call started sending Heralds. She fended off an oni before school, met a mysterious mage during her rooftop lunch, and finally ended up getting entangled with some guys trying to pull off a summoning ritual afterschool. During the last encounter, she almost gets killed, triggering her ability to use magic.

ironcommando smol aberration from Somewhere in space Since: May, 2009 Relationship Status: Abstaining
#891: May 18th 2016 at 5:36:23 PM

[up]She looks like a pretty interesting character with good motivations, backstory and flaws (whoa, she really IS very eager to fight threats). Can understand that she's still under development, but what I'm looking at so far is good.


Anyway, this is a character for a story I'm coming up with. While its powerset may be extremely OP (almost Reality Warper)... it does not help it solve everything, especially the problems that it would encounter (and the fact that it can't do much unless directly interacted with).

It's more of the observer sort who records interesting locations and alien life and occasionally makes a temporary acquaintance or two... by talking/having to convince them. Doesn't work all the time either. In fact, most of the problems it will encounter aren't on the physical side, but rather the social and sometimes emotional side, which it would not have an "easy way out".

Name: "Traveller"

Description: Here (Main ship, as well as a humanoid avatar)

Age: Unknown

Personality: Laid back, relaxed, polite, welcoming, and actively attempts to avoid causing conflict. Sometimes causes harmless mischief.

Abilities:

  • "Parts"/"Forms": For each set of observation mediums, "Traveller" displays a different set of extra "parts" that can only be seen when viewed via said medium. Parts are not invulnerable but can only be damaged if one can see/perceive them, and can be regenerated at the cost of the Traveller's health. Parts that get corrupted will be discarded/detached immediately. These are actually part of the being itself. While parts may be invisible to those who do not use the proper medium, "Traveller" can still attack using them, and it can also make its parts visible to all forms of detection if needed.
  • To the naked eye, it resembles a chrome spaceship.
  • If viewed through glass or transparent substance, "Traveller" has some horizontal and lateral lights on its surface. These lights can fire out lasers, create holographic projections up to unlimited sizes, as well as solid light projections, again of near-unlimited size.
  • If viewed in a mirror, "Traveller" has eldritch-looking tentacles with "eyes" on them claw-like "mouths" at the end of each. These can spawn worm-like tentacle creatures from them, and can be used to attack.
  • If viewed via a digital camera, "Traveller" has strange bars and pillars in a huge vicinity around it, all made of energy. These are aligned with its X, Y and Z axes pertaining to its direction, and each bar/pillar is composed of green boxes with a core in them.
  • If viewed via magical vision or Ki-based vision, it is covered in metallic-looking plate, which actually serve as armor as well as respawnable dronelike entities. These drones have a variety of abilities
  • If viewed via Heat vision, strange "clouds" of unusually high temperature would appear in its vicinity.
  • If viewed under Ultraviolet light, it would have a weird glowing aura that can be shaped to attack.
  • If viewed via echolocation or sound-based vision, it will initially appear to be in a dodecahedral cage with a metal "plate" at each corner.
  • If scryed on, it will be covered in opaque fog.
  • Certain advanced forms visible to only specialized methods of observation tend to be even more eldritch and otherworldly. Reported forms include different kinds of entire locations of warped space, a strange presence, beams of light appearing in its vicinity, alien geometrical shapes that should not exist, weapons that can manipulate existence and reality itself, etc. Traveller is not very fond of having to use them.
  • Near-unlimited arsenal: For each method of observation that can be used to view it, it has a different set of Forms/Parts that have their own attacks. As the number of observation methods is nearly limitless, this gives it a near-unlimited arsenal.
  • Copy Protection: Those who attempt to copy its "parts" ability will be able to do so, and even be able to use them... at a nasty cost. If they aren't Traveller or its avatars, having those parts will begin to eat away and destroy them down to their very existence within minutes, shortened further per number of "parts" copied. Furthermore, only "parts" that they are "visible" to them can be copied.
  • Observation Awareness: When "Traveller's" parts are being successfully observed by another being, it will be informed on which beings are observing it, as well as their locations and various statistics.
  • Invincible main body: The main body of the Traveler is invulnerable to all forms of damage and harmful effects, not even a supernova or black hole can destroy it.
  • Flight: Using some kind of unknown energy, it can fly at any speed and change direction at will, disregarding the laws of inertia.
  • Space-time Hopping: "Traveller" can immediately teleport to a location in space-time and alternate reality across any multiverse.
  • Temporal/Spatial Immunity: As a being beyond time and space, "Traveller" is immune to time and space based effects. This allows it to teleport anywhere in the timeline without drastic effects- for example, teleporting from the past to the future would remove all traces of it (and its "parts") in the past, although any actions it has performed may persist.
  • Omniglot: It is able to understand the "language code" of entities, or the meaning of their words, and easily translate them. Furthermore, it "talks" by sending out "language code" messages that convey meaning, and the recipient will receive a mental, spiritual or electronic message in their most proficient language they understand.
  • Truesight: As an observer of the multiverse, it has the ability to see through all illusions or cloaking abilities. This also means that it can see its own parts- all of them.
  • Infinite Memory: As a being that is made to observe and record events, it requires an infinite memory in order to do so.
  • Immunity to mental/emotional control: Due to having such an alien mind and "coding", it is invulnerable to all forms of mental and emotional control.
  • Avatar production: "Traveller" is able to produce humanoid and other shaped avatars by detaching a chrome blob from its own body which then shapes itself into a form. Said avatars have similar powers to "Traveller" itself, except weaker, and can communicate with "Traveller" even from an alternate universe.

Weaknesses:

  • Can't do much other than observe and talk unless an entity directly interacts with/antagonizes it or poses a potential universal/reality threat. It can offer to test another entity's powers, and provide a "training" fight if they accept. Also, it can play relatively harmless pranks.
    • E.g. Villain wants to take over or blow up a star system (not big enough of a threat)? Can't interfere unless villain tries to directly antagonize it. It may try to save any acquaintances (and only acquaintances) by getting them out of the way (of course, this wouldn't sit too well with said acquaintances, since their star system and home still gets badly affected).
  • Has a rather humanlike (and sometimes flawed) way of socializing despite its power, and as such can be naive or make misjudgements and false assumptions. This is because it Was Once a Man
  • "Parts" are not invincible: It can be harmed and even eventually destroyed by attacking and destroying its "parts".
  • Not Omniscient- otherwise it would not have any need to observe entities and locations.
  • Unable to do direct mental/emotional control (even its higher-level powers cannot achieve this). This also makes it unable to read minds either.
  • Unable to create life in any form. Its avatars are extensions that are nonliving.

Goals: Observe and collect data on races around the multiverse, try to make friends with them, self-preservation, remove threats to reality.

Motivation: Firstly, its goal is the directive given by higher-ups that it has no choice but to follow. Secondly, as a lonely being that lives forever, it really wants an eternal partner to keep it company.

Role in the story: Protagonist who hops the time/space/alt reality continuum and observes beings, sometimes trying to make friends, and solves huge-scale threats to reality via peaceful methods. The story itself isn't about a guy solving problems, but rather about how... alien certain entities are.

Backstory: Not much is known about the Traveller's backstory, up until the final act. It used to be a human male that ended up in a Place Beyond Time/Void Between the Worlds, and was quickly dying. In order to save him, he was made into the Traveller. It's also revealed that he's not the only Traveller like being too.

Tropes'

  • All-Powerful Bystander: As its main directive is to observe and communicate, but not use violence unless reality or its own existence is threatened, it will mainly watch most of the time. It is allowed to occasionally use powers if it can prevent a very large scale threat, however. Also, it can play relatively harmless "pranks" with its powers.
  • Attack Its Weak Point: The body is completely invulnerable, but one can hurt it by attacking its vulnerable "parts" which are an extension of it.
  • Chrome Champion: Its visible form resembles an entirely chrome spaceship. Its avatar is also entirely chrome save for the hair. And like the trope, it is an extremely powerful being.
  • Cosmic Entity: Has powers that can affect stars, galaxies, and even up to universes. It rarely uses those, only as a last resort, however, as it is not keen on doing high scale damage due to its primary motive being "watch the universes".
  • Dimensional Traveller: Like its name suggests, this is what it does. It gets to look at and see lots of different sights and sounds, and even interact with higher beings.
  • Do Not Taunt Cthulhu: It IS thankfully pacifistic in nature, but continue to annoy it despite repeated warnings and it will remove the restriction on obliterating you.
  • Eldritch Abomination: Its full form and actual nature is completely incomprehensible as one almost never gets to see its full set of "parts", that include warped space and other Eldritch Abominations as extensions of itself.
  • Eldritch Starship: It resembles a rather plain chrome starship, but once observed under very special observation devices, unimaginable horrors such as an entire dimension, another Eldritch Abomination, or Alien Geometry will be seen. All those are part of the spaceship.
  • Glamour Failure: Its main ability and oddity consists of "parts" visible only under certain mediums.
  • Immune to Mind Control: Save your Compelling Voice, Emotion Control or Brainwashing, for its alien "mind" prevents it from being mentally affected.
  • It Amused Me: Will sometimes play "jokes" for its own amusement. Examples are showing up randomly one day in somebody's mecha/airplane hangar.
  • Martial Pacifist: Will attempt to avoid any fights. If provoked, however... cue a fight against a near-infinite being.
  • The Mirror Shows Your True Self: If viewed in a mirror, it is shown to have some eldritch Combat Tentacles.
  • Nigh-Invulnerable: The main body cannot be harmed by any means. Its parts, however, can be attacked and damaged, but only if the opponent can perceive them.
  • No Name Given: Doesn't have a full name, and refers to itself as a Traveller.
  • Obstructive Code of Conduct: Not allowed to use its "parts" (weaponry) to directly harm those that are not a threat to it or reality. Provoking it enough does count as a threat. Also, it's free to use its parts and abilities to inform, and if somebody willingly wants to test their powers against it, it's free to remove the restrictions.
  • Omniglot: Can understand all languages. When it talks, it transfers the meaning of its words, not the words themselves, therefore autotranslating it in the receivers' minds.
  • Powers Do the Fighting: While its main body floats in one place without dodging thanks to Nigh-Invulnerability, its extensions are what comes to attack the opponent.
  • Reality Warper: Several of its stronger "parts" can affect existence and reality. It does not use then unless extremely threatened.
  • Seen It All: Due to having encountered bizarre entities (such as beings that explode stars to communicate) and strange events, it's pretty unfazed by most things, although it does get intrigued quite easily.
  • Shiny-Looking Spaceships: It resembles an entirely chrome spaceship in its "base" form.
  • Starfish Aliens: An extradimensional entity that resembles a chrome ship, has a strange form of communication, an an even weirder actual form, etc.
  • Terse Talker: Speaks in brief. Can choose to speak normally, though.
  • Time Abyss: Its age is unknown, but it has existed for an extremely long period of time.
  • Walking the Earth: What it does, only that the multiverse and time/space/alternate realities are the "Earth" in question.
  • The Watcher: Its main purpose it to dimension hop and observe what goes on. It is allowed to interact with people via communication, though.
  • You Cannot Grasp the True Form: Each of its different "forms"/"parts" can only be seen via a different medium. Since the multiverse houses pretty much infinite different beings that have infinitely different ways of visualizing objects... it essentially has infinite forms, and its "true" form would be all the parts being visible at once.

edited 20th May '16 6:16:47 AM by ironcommando

...eheh
handlere The Exia is my waifu from Hell Since: May, 2011 Relationship Status: Robosexual
The Exia is my waifu
#892: May 21st 2016 at 1:51:36 PM

[up] Really, Traveler sounds like a quite interesting character. Although you did mention your fear for your character being overpowered, you explicitly stated that combat isn't the main focus of the story and he's mainly resolving problems with words rather than tentacle, bullet, laser or whatever. Coupled with you stating in another thread that he seems to have a human mindset compared to the weird aliens he encounter, complicating things, he seems fine in the power department. Though I wonder if the entire Part gimmick(which is a quite clever and awesome power, by the way) would kind of be squandered with him rarely entering combat, if ever.

The next poster can critique Eilee.

Seen in the profile picture: the Gundam Flauros Rebake Full City, piloted by McGillis Itsuka, captain of the Turbines
madprophet Since: Feb, 2016 Relationship Status: Staying up all night to get lucky
#893: May 22nd 2016 at 5:07:53 PM

[up]Ailee seems genuinely interesting. The concept that she's basically so good at what she does that she can win handily with no actual deck strategy seems to have a lot of potential for both gags and drama. She seems like a fun character to write and use, and she could be a very nice addition to what you seem to be working on. She seems funny, but simutaneously very compelling due to all she's been through.

Now, onto my hero:

Name: Julia Ferro

Age: 21

Appearance: Nearing old fashioned mechanic in fashion style. Short or tied-back hair to prevent accidents and modest, unrevealing clothing to hide any possible stains or burns. Also sometimes will don goggles when something is too bright.

Personality: Somewhere inbetween Plucky Girl and Determinator. She is a lot more cynical and harsh than the standard Plucky Girl, falling squarely into the Cynic of the Four Philosophy ensemble. She is also Catholic, albeit with a more "Grand Designer" or "First Mover" sense than a traditional "Seven Days" view of God. This makes her conflicted about her sexuality (in spite of the fact that even her priest is all but saying "In the grand scheme, as long as you are a good person, you go to heaven").

Abilities: She is excellent at machining, engineering and cars. She works at a Home Depot expy, giving her access to lots of raw materials, frequently at a discount. She can understand Portugeuse and can shakily speak it. This also gives her a small, but useful, knowledge of Spanish, due to some mutual intelligibility between the two language.

Weaknesses: Despite her appearance as a Butch Lesbian, she is deathly afraid of physical harm coming to her and the sight of blood, and would prefer to run or negotiate as opposed to fighting. She also has a a large percentage of her free time taken up by work and college.

Goals: To make it through college alive. Apparently, fate has decided to make this... difficult. After learning about the grand conspiracy, she also decides to try to save as many people as possible from the machinations of demons, spirits, vampires and all the other things that go bump in the night.

Motivation: At first, she is motivated by the things most college students are, which is to say doing well in college and living in relative comfort. However, after learning about The Masquerade, she decides to aid her roomates in their quest to kill monsters and save as many people as possible.

Role in the Story: She has a van which is the heroes' primary mode of transport. She also kickstarts the plot by having to be introduced to The Masquerade and even might have a role as the first character to narrate.

Backstory: She had, suprisingly, a very normal childhood. She did well in school, participated in extracurricular activities and didn't get in trouble. The worst thing she had to deal with was her family being a bit overbearing and getting her to learn Portugeuse. She received some money from her family, an old van from her dad and a good scholarship from her grades, and in the end headed towards the bustling port town of Asheville. She then ended up in an apartment with some roomates, where the story begins.

Relevant Tropes:

The Everyman: Definitely. She is the most sane out of the main characters, though that isn't saying much considering that they consist of a Conspiracy Theorist, an ex-Mafiya Russian mobster, and a witch with an abusive childhood and something of a martyr complex.

Butch Lesbian: Played with. She initially appears to be this, but actually is extremely adverse to conflict, hates sports and takes to liquor like Hindus take to beef. This is contrasted to her planned love interest, who looks the part of the Lipstick Lesbian, but can punch a man clean out, plays a mean game of volleyball and can drink rubbing alchohol without flinching.

Unsound Effect: SUDDENLY, VAN!

Gayngst: Quickly resolved, but present.

Ambigously Brown: Averted within her first narration. "I am Julia Ferro. I am a college student, worker and third-generation Brazilian immigrant..."

Four-Philosophy Ensemble: She typically is the cynic in the situation.

Jesus Is Way Cool: Averted. She thinks of Jesus as a moral teacher, but still just a mortal in the end, and God as a benevolent creator.

Large Ham: Sometimes. Notable examples include "WELCOME TO THE VAN", "JULIA TIME" and "RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!"

The Engineer

I think my biggest problem is trying to avoid stereotypes around the LGBT community, but simutaneously I want to play with the Lipstick Lesbian and Butch Lesbian tropes. Got any suggestions?

legonut031 Nothing here. from Indon Since: Oct, 2013 Relationship Status: A teenager in love
Nothing here.
#894: May 22nd 2016 at 9:53:39 PM

(he's from a comedy-action-drama-mystery-fantasy hybrid, with emphasis on comedy, so expect sarcasm) (the characters are super serious but the plot anyhow, is not at all serious)

Name: Patrick Caljora (his dad gave him that name.) (he thought it sounded Irish enough but whatever)

Age: 17(start)- 25 (end)

Appearance: gold hair, blue eyes, and white skin. medium-tall. He starts off slightly overweight and ends with good enough muscle, but not enough to intimidate everyone. (He's written as a deconstruction of political correctness, at least the one with the bad connotation, aka SJ Ws and stuff since he's a generic white boy.)

Personality: He starts off as a bit cocky and sarcastic, yet lawful good. He's tortured in a rollercoaster of emotions along his adventure, but he came back as lawful good idealistic! And he's a rabid Catholic, which is important since he's a bit of a perfectionist. He's also quite judgemental, and expects everyone to judge him too, because he tries to be perfect (when his friends call him out on not judging people if you're a christian, he responds with 'but that's if you don't want to be judged, and i want to be judged!'). He responds well to criticism, but he also likes to use his powers to send subtle insults to everyone. Most of the time they do get mad though. Quite calm and not angsty, at least for a teenager. He will also do whatever you tell him to do, as long as he has time and it's not a sin/illegal. He's also sensitive about times and schedules, yet he's patient enough to deal with his autistic mates in his free time. He also preaches about 'destiny' and stuff, where he thinks that no, there's nothing such as an inescapable destiny, but the only 'destiny' is the kind that is influenced by your choices. He also loves to condemn differing opinions as heresy, just like his Church. He loves to help everyone that asks him, from poor to rich and from black to white to black again (Austronesians are different from Africans ya racist!), but only if they actually come and ask him.

Ability: Mind reading. But that's it. In a world where everyone and their mothers can do 300 backflips nonstop and destroy buldings in an absolute combo and create a fucking island out of thin air and grow a lost limb in 3 days, He's nothing more than your average joe with extra mind reading.

Weakness: As I told you, he's just human with mind reading. Which means he has no super wisdom or charisma. Yes, he did get bitten back along his adventures, but he finally got enough levels to raise his wisdom and charisma points. He usually gets sweeped first in the fight, but not to worry, his friends can heal him when they're done fighting.

Goals: not much, except to know more about the magic that's going on, since it appeared 33 years ago, and almost everyone suddenly got every type of magic around 25 years from the start of the story. He also goes around in his free time trying to find any magic artifacts, not knowing that not much exists. He eventually found all the knowledge that he seeks though, and he'll call it happy ending.

Occupation: He eventually becomes a surgeon at 23, not because he's genius or anything but the whole world was recently devastated in another World War and now that there are special tools to circumvent the epic healing factor everyone has gotten, surgeons need not do anything but make sure the tools do not try and stab the patient's brain or heart. Not like a stabbed brain's gonna affect the patients in the slightest.

Role: lots really. In a solo fight, he'll just try and dodge everything his opponents will throw at him, and send back sick burns (aka cheesy insults), and the cycle of idiocy continues until the opponent gets frustrated and forfeits, the opponent exhausts their energy and falls back unconscious or he miscalculates a move and gets used to mop the floor. If he has a team with him, he'll try to get the opponents to go in full defense mode, and then pulling the rug under them so they fall on their backs and become completely vulnerable (not literally, but you get what I mean.). He might also sweettalk the opponents to submission, with horrible results (as in the villain will literally try to play BDSM with him, and he didn't mean that kind of submission). He usually would rather work as a surgeon though. He also will supply money to feed his friends that goes to adventure with him, but only if they don't have enough money.

Backstory: West Philadelphia, born and raised, the suburbs was where he spent most of his days. Until one day, his parents got promoted to top researchers, and because he can't be left alone he was sent to his uncle and aunt. But instead of Bel Air where the houses are big and the folks are rich, he was sent across the mountain into the suburbs of Pittsburgh, where the seasons are only rain, snow and construction. There he got into his local church after he was finally 17, got a few friends and boom! the adventure begins!

tropes: Help me with this part please. Thanks.

"Just because you're correct doesn't mean you're right." -Shirou
legonut031 Nothing here. from Indon Since: Oct, 2013 Relationship Status: A teenager in love
Nothing here.
#895: May 22nd 2016 at 10:10:25 PM

[up] does he sound like an idiot hero? tell me please.

I've also tried to write him team adventure(17-18), solo adventure(18-23), and a duo adventure (23-25) with a member of the team that was too young to fight when they were still adventuring.

"Just because you're correct doesn't mean you're right." -Shirou
handlere The Exia is my waifu from Hell Since: May, 2011 Relationship Status: Robosexual
The Exia is my waifu
#896: May 24th 2016 at 11:27:17 AM

[up]Yo, I think you might get more responses if you critique the character that somebody else posted before you.

Seen in the profile picture: the Gundam Flauros Rebake Full City, piloted by McGillis Itsuka, captain of the Turbines
legonut031 Nothing here. from Indon Since: Oct, 2013 Relationship Status: A teenager in love
Nothing here.
#897: May 24th 2016 at 9:34:17 PM

[up] okay, sorry about that.

[up][up][up][up] Julia Ferro sounds like an interesting side character (considering that she is a side character), and she could be written to let the readers know what's going on and introduce them to the world, as she's relatable to the audience, having no knowledge of anything magical until the start of the story.

(Sorry if it's bad, I'm not a good critic for now.)

"Just because you're correct doesn't mean you're right." -Shirou
madprophet Since: Feb, 2016 Relationship Status: Staying up all night to get lucky
#898: May 25th 2016 at 7:30:19 AM

[up] That's the exact intention! I do want to develop the character a bit more, flesh it out a bit and all that.

Petricareless Since: Feb, 2016 Relationship Status: Baby don't hurt me!
#899: May 25th 2016 at 7:34:56 AM

[up][up][up] Well, he certainly sounds interesting, at least. It'd be better if you could elaborate a bit more on the way he lives out his ideals and treats others with differing views or morals (live-and let-live vs. trying to get everyone to conform to his views). My only critiques are that he doesn't seem like an exactly accurate portrayal of a devout Catholic? The most glaring of this is with him being heavily judgmental, even though that conflicts with the ideal that Christians shouldn't be judgmental? If he's that devout, then I think he would probably try to control that aspect of his nature rather than let it run free. My other critique isn't that he seems Gary Stu-ish, but that he does seem a touch lacking in flaws? You've done a good job in actually treating his sarcasm like a flaw, though, making people still get annoyed at it. Other than that, I only really got cocky and judgmental? While you certainly don't have to add on any others. you could try emphasizing them. Since those two particular flaws conflict with the ideal of what a good Catholic should be, cocky and judgmental instead of humble and accepting, that could be good fuel for some inner conflict? Have him struggle to reconcile his inner nature with his beliefs. Overall, pretty good job!

Anyways, here's mine:

Name: Mercet Mochin

Age: 16

Appearance: Ambiguously Brown, stocky girl with dark red hair and dark orange octopus tentacles instead of legs (think Ursula, but standing upright ON her tentacles).

Personality: She’s got a weird way of seeing the world, so I wanna detail that here! Alright, so a good 97% of the time, she’s kind of in her own little world in her head. Scant few people exist in her world, so basically everybody else outside of it doesn’t really EXIST to her. This is why she’s so insensitive to others, as well as why on earth she’s so stubborn- to her, they really don’t matter unless they stand in her way, and her world has no time for annoyances. She’s in her world all the time because she’s always preoccupied with exploring possibilities and ideas and all this crazy grand stuff that can really only ever live within the confines of her head. Note that this DOES NOT MEAN that she’s dreamy and distant all the time or anything. She’s completely aware of what’s going on, it’s just that she doesn’t process the realness of it all, emotionally speaking. It’s like she’s in a video game all the time, really. Logically, sure, actions have consequences, but on an emotional level, to her, it doesn’t really matter all that much in the end, in a weird kind of nihilism. Also note that when she’s not in her own world, she’s in a crazy kind of hyperfocus. This is extremely rare, though, and takes a major shock to snap her out of her usual daze. It’s only then when she realizes the actual reality of whatever situation is happening. As for actual personality traits...

Strengths:

  • Intelligent and creative
  • Witty
  • Good technical skills
  • Practical and levelheaded
  • Good at multitasking

Flaws:

  • Heavily dependent on coping mechanisms to deal with problems
  • May fall into extreme denial, of issues of self and of reality
  • Too stubborn
  • Reserved and stoic, to most people. She becomes Not So Stoic when she's with her best friend, but rarely anyone else.
  • Dislikes commitment to a person or cause, prefers options open and dislikes strict guidelines
  • Callous and insensitive, has trouble sympathizing
  • Easily bored with people, places, and things
  • Risky behavior
  • Skeptical of claims based on emotional appeal, usually on her best friend's behalf.
  • Finicky
  • Impatient
  • Indifferent
  • Insecure about ability to function, always feels incompetent
  • Tries to ignore problems instead of dealing with them, escapist
  • Scattered and unfocused, wants to do everything all at once
  • Tries to keep busy instead of dealing with anxiety
  • Unsure of what she wants in life, constantly unsatisfied (nothing is ever “good enough”)

Abilities: Can use magic, which is somewhat rare for an octo-person like her, though compared to humans, her abilities are rather average. She specializes in sereineous (storm) magic. Pretty good upper body strength, competent in mechanics. She can use her tentacles like arms, but that means she has less surface area to stand on, so...

Weaknesses: Heavily dependent on an intrusive breathing apparatus in order to survive on land. Again, only average level magic compared to that of humans.

Backstory: She was exiled from her home country at the young age of five for refusing to not use her magical abilities and thus, basically threatening to blow her town up (since technology and magic don't exactly agree with each other and there was no telling where she would use her magic). She moved to the city of Verreciel, where she met her best friend, Quark, who was seven at the time. The two grew up together and have been the best of friends ever since! Mercet decided to pursue a powerful wizard with a high bounty on her head for the thrill of it, and ended up dragging Quark along as well. Thus, the adventure begins!

edited 25th May '16 7:36:29 AM by Petricareless

Everyone is Kay-fam.
madprophet Since: Feb, 2016 Relationship Status: Staying up all night to get lucky
#900: May 25th 2016 at 12:33:40 PM

DISREGARD MY BABBLING IDIOCY

edited 27th May '16 4:32:32 AM by madprophet


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