Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!)

@ Ikedatakeshi: Thanks for the comment! You gave me some things to think about definitely.

The logic behind Marian's fighting style was that the prehensile wings she can grow aren't as strong as her fists—they can cut people apart, sure, but if the opponent is good with a sword or is wearing armor, it's useless. So I had her use hand-to-hand, though it puts her at a disadvantage.

About the gender thing, you make a good point but don't worry. Part of the problem with Hope was that when I was posting him, there weren't many tropes to describe him that I could really find. While he isn't much of a fighter, he is an equal protagonist; he covers more of the "political" aspects of the story while Marian does the physical and supernatural. It is interesting that he fits the stereotypical "princess" character in some ways, but he's pretty different.

Oddly I thought that if anyone, Marian's character would get criticism for being a Phlebotinum Girl/ Living Macguffin seeing as she's captured twice and a team of badasses has to ride to her rescue both times. Not to mention the only reason she wasn't killed was because Hope finally stood up to his mother.

edited 8th Feb '16 8:14:29 PM by Swordofknowledge

"Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake." —Edgar Wallace

Unless the reason she got captured was because she is a Faux Action Girl, there is no problem in someone getting captured, since heroes aren't invincible. Hope seems to be the more weak willed one, and is also the Macguffin people actually want, because he is suppose to be the wielder of the holy sword, aka the Chosen One. Hope's backstory makes him being a Living Macguffin seem more obvious, and Unless Marian has multiple faction groups fighting to possess her, not trying to destroy her because she is an Apocalypse Maiden, she is less of a Living Macguffin unless you make her one.

Now I'm going to write one of the seven warriors I talked about in the story about Hideaki.(I really need help figuring out what to name my work)

Name: Connor Beval Edgard

Age: 22

Appearance: Connor is tall and muscular, standing at 6'1. He has long blond hair that is tied up in a braid. His bangs are swept backward, with a small tuft on his forehead. He has green eyes and Cute Little Fangs. He has a large scar from his forehead to his cheek on the right side of his face. He is usually in his noble attire, along with a scarf, which he also wears in battle.

Personality: To others, he seemed to be an arrogant, overbearing, selfish brat, but he has Hidden Depths, never mistreating slaves or the commoners, even protecting them from other nobles. He believe that abusing your strength to bully others as unsightly and unhonorable. He is extremely proud of his family name, though not of his family members, believing them to be weak and not fit to bear the family name. He has great pride in his strength, thus would challenge anyone to a duel when they disagree with him. Believing that the Edgard family has grown weaker, especially when the Richelieu family, their rival, is getting more powerful, he resolves to boost his family's reputation by constantly going against Kaytlyn, who was the most famous member of the Richelieu family, thus he was initially an enemy. After Character Development, his behavior mellowed out, becoming more light-hearted and serene, improving his relationship with his family and also with the Richelieu family. He is honorable, so is not willing to use cheap tricks in a duel, and gained his strength through hard work.

Abilities: Even before his contract with a spirit, he was a extremely skilled fighter. He is noted for his speed and his skill in the spear, fighting on even grounds with Drake, who already contracted with a spirit, losing because his fighting style is too predictable.(Drake also didn't fight at his full strength, but admits losing in skill) He contracted with Aeoleas, spirit of the wind and king of the beasts. (Drake contracted with Draylios, guardian of the sky and lord of monsters, Lynette contracted with Aniyx, maker of fire and ruler of birds). After the contract, his physical abilities increases, but his speed increases dramatically, almost to the point of teleporting. He can control wind, using it to propel himself or his spear, repel enemies, lift heavy objects or cut through things with wind blades. He can gather air at the tip of his spear, along with wind to propel his spear, to pierce through even the toughest of defense.

Weakness: As said above, his fighting style is pretty predictable, which can be easily read by a skilled warrior. He is rash, often charging at opponents without thinking, an attitude he regularly exhibits during war.

Goal: Establish the Edgard family as the best, later on supporting Hideaki in his ambitions.

Motivation: He idolized his father, who was the head of the family, and regularly told him about the achievements of his ancestors. He believes Hideaki to be a more suitable king than the current one.

Role in story: One of the main fighters and supporting character.

Backstory: Born as the second son of the Edgard family, he wasn't eligible to inherit the position as head of the family. Originally he didn't care about it, since he thought his brother could be good enough to lead the family. He was sent by his father to Scaife at the age of 7, a woman whose skill with spear was unparalleled, to be her disciple. While he managed to learn most of her skill, he never mastered them as she died from illness. Due to being away on another island, he wasn't affected by the plague. His father died during the time he was away, and his brother had to become the head. Seeing that his family was in decline, he demanded his brother make him head of the family. Obviously, his brother refused, and Connor resented him for it, believing himself to be a better head.

Relevant trope:

The Ace: He is not arrogant enough to believe that he is this, but he believes that the head should be this.

Badass

{{Good Scars, Evil Scars}}: His scar passes through his eye.

Heel-Face Turn: While not evil, he was an enemy to Kaytlyn, thus Hideaki.

Heroic Sacrifice: Tried to do this by facing Cyrus's(the Big Bad) army by himself. Luckily, he survived.

Jerk with a Heart of Gold: He is a complete dick to his family and the Richelieu family. He treats the commoners and servants much better, even offering to teach them how to read when he finds out they are illiterate.

Fragile Speedster: He is fast, but he can't take a hit. Later becomes a Lightning Bruiser after his contract.

Pet the Dog: He regularly protects commoners from other nobles. He treats his servants well.

Pride: His defining trait and motivation.

Berserk Button: Mocking his family name.

Tame His Anger: After Character Development, he become less prone to lashing out in anger.

Took a Level in Badass: After the contract, he was able to hold of an army of demons for 6 hours, though he nearly died.

Took a Level in Kindness

Worthy Opponent: Consider Drake and Lynette this.

Blade on a Stick: He was given this by his master, which is also the artifact that allowed him to form a contract.

Bishōnen: He is quite good looking.

Super-Speed: Fastest person in the story. To others, he might as well be teleporting.

Weapon Twirling: He does this to show off. Later he uses this to create wind attacks.

Blow You Away: He is contracted with the spirit of wind.

Scarf of Asskicking: Given to him by his mother. Don't touch it without his permission.

One-Man Army: Anyone personally chosen by a spirit would become this. Even the villain decided to stop his army and surround him because he felt he was too much of a threat.

edited 12th Feb '16 12:33:27 AM by Ikedatakeshi

I like him. Going by his description, he does seem to be somewhat harsh and arrogant (especially this move with demanding to become the head), but is a really likeable character overall. I also like him because he's neither the "paragon of nobility" type of aristocracy, nor a proud member of Aristocrats Are Evil club, but more of a balanced character who's nevertheless greatly influenced by his Blue Blood.

The fact that he managed to go against Drake, with all Drake's powers (even if not fully "on", seeing how the magic in your story is strong) hints at quite a Badass, so even with a predictable fighting style, he looks to be a strong addition to the band of heroes. Going by examples of the rest of the characters you've put here so far, his powerset looks pretty well-balanced, and it fits themathically with his rashness.

All in all, if there's a problem, I don't see it.

edited 11th Feb '16 7:51:27 AM by Kakai

Rejoice!

Connor definitely seems like a man made by his environment. Like Kakai said, he definitely has the traits of being an aristocrat, both negative and positive. He's brash, opinionated and seems to believe heavily in family honor to the point of belitting anyone who doesn't meet his personal standards...and yet, his kind actions towards those beneath his station give a true sense of noblesse oblige—the duty of a nobleman/woman towards the common people. In fact, I'd actually say that the word defines almost his entire character; Connor seems to save his rudeness, scorn and fighting for people of his station.

His powerset his pretty cool too; from the way you described his physical appearance, I would have predicted him to be a Mighty Glacier in terms of technique, but this is a good variation.

"Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake." —Edgar Wallace

Added a few tropes that I forgot.

If you think the magic in this story is strong, just wait till you see my other story that I've been working on. Almost every major character in that one is a living nuke. That's the same in-universe, where most people didn't think he was able to move fast.

I spent a lot of time thinking about Connor, throwing many ideas at him to get one that would stick. Connor, along with the rest of the seven warriors with the exception of one, all comes from noble families so that I could justify their knowledge in warfare, since it would be unusual for a commoner to learn about it. I worked up from that fact, gaining inspiration from other works and finally decided on his current personality. Glad that you guys liked him so much, really boosts my confidence.

Since this thread has been dead for a few days, might as well put up the next of the seven.

Name: Grace Marella Halloran

Age: 23

Appearance: Has wavy, chin-length silver hair and cobalt blue eyes. Standing at 5'3, she is physically fit and very muscular, with a modest bust and tanned skin. She wears golden earrings, a pirate bandana, leather boots, a black bodice, long pants and a Coat Cape. She has multiple scars gained in battle.

Personality: Due to being raised by pirates, she has a pretty loose moral compass, leaning towards Chaotic Neutral but has traits of Chaotic Good. She is horribly blunt, and will say whats on her mind with zero consideration of the situation unless needed. She is really confident and audacious, not bowing to people with more power if she feels they don't deserve respect, even if said person is the king. Due to being raised mostly by men, she doesn't have any sense of decency or modesty, and would not care if she was naked in front of people, and would pick her noses and ears whenever she pleases. She dresses more modestly because her second-in-command told her to. She likes to party and drink ludicrous amount of alcohol. She does have a code of honor, which is to not cause needless suffering and minimize any suffering they cause. She is a good leader, due to her confident and courageous personality. She only shows respect to those who shows the same, and is generally friendly to those that does show respect. She detest barbaric cruelty and oppression, so she forbids her crew from rape, human trafficking, torturing and causing unnecessary destruction. She admits that she is a criminal, and would probably go to hell for what she has done, but she would not regret her decisions since she didn't have many options to begin with, and believed she has chosen the best from what life has given her.

Abilities: Being born a pirate, she is experienced in combat. She uses two falchions, but would not hesitate to use other weapons or her bare fists. She is pretty creative and adaptive in battle, using her surroundings to her advantage. She is pretty cunning, and her more unconventional ways makes her unpredictable. After contracting with the spirit of the sea, she gains the power over water. She becomes stronger when exposed to water, and can heal from injuries by applying water. Her ability to manipulate the currents greatly improves her already excellent swimming skills. She can create whirlpools and water blades and whips that can cut through rocks. Underwater, she is near invincible, requiring both Drake and Lynette to defeat her. She also grow scales that increases her durability.

Weakness: Dryness is her primary weakness, and she returns to her average state when dehydrated. She doesn't like thinking too much, and bases her decisions on instinct. While this makes her unpredictable, it also means she rarely think things through.

Goal: Gain a more stable life and retire from piracy.

Motivation: Believes piracy to be dangerous work, and prefer a life that doesn't involve causing suffering.

Role in story: She is the leader of the navy.

Backstory: She was born as the only daughter of the captain of her pirate crew. Her mother died after giving birth. She was raised by the crew members, who treated her like one of the guys. At the age of 7, her father was eaten by a sea monster who terrorized the area. The crew nearly splitted apart without a captain, but her father's second-in-command managed to take charge. As she grew older, the crew members started viewing her more leeringly, but she was defended by the second-in-command, who was loyal to her father. She was taught how to fight, and was soon able to defend herself. At the age of 16, her ship was attacked again by the sea monster, nearly sinking her ship. To save her crew members, she jumps overboard and swam into the monsters mouth, tearing it apart from the inside. After killing it, she demands that they eat it, as a way of taking revenge for it eating so many people. She gains the respect of the crew after this event, with the second-in-command giving her the position as captain. After this, she starts taking over other pirates in the area, gathering all of them under her command and basically united them into a single group, enforcing her rules onto them. Some were not happy with this, thus tried to kill her, throwing her seemingly dead corpse into the sea. Not dead, she was washed on shore. Pholaeus, monarch of all creatures that dwell underwater and overseer of the sea, who appeared in the form of an even larger sea monster, attacking her crew. Ignoring her injuries, she jumps again into the water, aiming to fight Pholaeus. Admiring her bravery, Pholaeus deems her worthy of possessing its power and chooses her for the contract. Believing she killed the monster, none of the crew decides to try betraying her again.

Relevant tropes:

Badass Crew: Her direct subordinates are this.

The Dreaded: She commands 120 ships with over 20000 men and killed two giant monsters single-handedly. (The second one doesn't count, but they don't know that}

One-Woman Army

Pirate Girl

Red Baron: Tyrant queen of the sea.

Action Girl

Amazonian Beauty: Her muscles are comparable to Olympic athletes.

The Lad-ette: Her defining trope.

Honor Among Thieves

Cutlass Between the Teeth: When swimming.

Sir Swears-a-lot: Has a really colorful vocabulary.

Badass Bisexual: She is not attracted to only one gender.

Cape Coat: It was her fathers cape.

Buffy Speak

Determinator: Near dead and she still charges at the giant monster larger than several boats.

Large Ham: When motivating her crew.

Arrogant Kung-Fu Guy: Is really confident of her ability to kick ass.

Boisterous Bruiser

Brutal Honesty: Blunter than a sledgehammer.

{{Masculine Girl, Feminine Boy}}: She likes more feminine people, be it male or female.

Never Learned to Read: She has nobody to learn from.

Tomboy: Ladylike will never be used to describe her.

I'm glad that the positive reviews for Connor boosted your confidence; not having full faith in your ability to create an engaging and "good" story or characters is tough, and makes creating anything further extremely difficult. So again, good to see that.

Grace's personality and backstory already cements her as a Badass—the part about eating the sea-monster that killed her father was definitely an Establishing Character Moment, and overall her origins seemed solid and well-thought out, each part of the story giving a clear understanding as to how she ended up the way that she is. I've always found it odd to hear of a "noble" or "heroic" pirate, since they're sort of the exact opposite of that category, but it's been successfully done many times, so that's more of an observation than any complaint about the believably of it.

You mentioned that Grace has done a lot of terrible things that she herself thinks she deserves to go to hell for...what exactly are those awful things? Since slavery, rape, and general nastiness seem to be offences she avoids and holds her subordinates to similar standards. You don't have to answer, I'm just curious though.

Not really sure what to say about Grace's power-set; it seems fairly standard for someone with power over water, and certainly on the strong side, if it took two other "contract-holders" to defeat her in battle.

edited 14th Feb '16 6:26:17 PM by Swordofknowledge

"Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake." —Edgar Wallace

She's still a pirate, so stealing from others is still something she does on a regular basis. Beating the crap out of anyone resisting and also killed many people despite it not being self-defense. She doesn't do it more than necessary, and would leave peacefully if you gave up without resistance. She obviously has made enemies out of many nobles, and she has to kill many of the innocent people working for them.

Grace sounds like a very typical girl pirate with the Raised by Dudes story and general personality, but that's not a bad thing. She has significantly more standards than your typical pirate, especially one that commands such a huge number of them and the fact that she aims to stop being one someday is also interesting, although I have to wonder just what she would do instead of it. She being into feminine guys is a nice touch and also something I could see being used for some funny interactions, as is the fact that she can't read.

She certainly sounds like one tough lady, especially for someone as young as she is. Her power set is also fairly standard as far as water based skills go. Overall she seems to be a pretty standard character but her feats and what different characteristics she has do make her a pretty interesting character I think.

Now this is the protagonist of a medieval fantasy story I'm currently writing, although some things in this are subject to change in the future since I still have a lot to develop.

• Name: Phantom
• Age: At least a century
• Appearance: Phantom is essentially a living suit of armor that has been well preserved despite its age. His armor is mainly black and gold, being fairly streamlined and light allowing him to have more freedom of movement. His helmet looks a lot like a typical gladiator helmet, but most of the head is covered, with the exception of the eyes, in which there are a pair of glowing golden eyes to be found. Other than his armor, he wears an old red cape with golden edges which also features a golden rune marking in the center of it, which can also be found in the chest of his armor. His weapon is a sword that has a pitch-black blade and a golden handle, which is kept in a similarly colored sheath on his back.
• Personality: Phantom is very serious and blunt in the way he speaks, however he's also very kind and would be willing to help anyone with anything that might be giving them trouble with no hesitation. He tends to not approach people himself, but he's actually very sociable and often is actually glad to have someone to chat with for a little while, however, he does have some trouble truly connecting with others and as such is very slow to make friends and often doesn't stick around for very long, further hindering his ability to form friendships. Phantom is very loyal, following those he believes in to the ends of the Earth with very little regret, unless it turns out that they backstab them, however, he doesn't typically hold grudges unless it's towards the most vile of people. Despite his kindness, Phantom is no stranger to killing and will not hesitate to strike down any enemies in his way if he can't incapacitate or talk them out of it, due to this he feels unworthy of the title of hero that is often attributed to him.
• Abilities: Phantom is capable of using light magic for both healing and offensive purposes. His main combat ability is summoning light chains that attempt to either bind the enemy or stab them with their bladed end. He can also set up traps by drawing a light circle in an area that will trap into anybody who steps in it afterwards in a golden forcefield, however it does take a good amount of time to set the whole thing up. He's also capable of enchanting items with light magic in order to make them stronger and/or more resitant, especially to dark magic; he can technically use the power on his body as well, but since it would take too much magic to enchant his whole body he usually only enchants a small portion of it if needed to. Lastly, he can make simply projectiles such as energy balls for ranged attacks, but he can also use them to create a blinding flash to distract the opponent momentarily.
  • On a more passive note, he has a very good knowledge of engineering and also knows how to cook despite having no need for food himself.
• Weaknesses: While he's capable of doing a little of everything, it also means he doesn't specialize in anything which makes so that it's not too difficult to best him at one particular field and it also makes him easy to overwhelm at times. His armor is also relatively light, which makes him not as resistant as one might expect although still having better defense than average. He's also vulnerable to magic that allows one to manipulate objects, although he can resist them.
• Goal: Find out what he's purpose in life is, while at the same time keeping the ideals of an old friend alive
• Motivation: All others of his kind are always given some kind of purpose when they awaken, but he was never given one, which makes him question the purpose of his creation. The first person to give him something to do was an old warrior that trained him and asked of him to protect those who didn't have the strength to defend themselves from the wicked and keep his legacy as an old hero alive.
• Role in the Story: He's the main character, The Hero and the POV character for most of the story.
• Backstory:
  • When Phantom awakened, he was alone in what seemed to be an abandoned house. In front of him was a map detailing where he was and another place marked in it with "go here" written in it. Curious, he did as the map instructed and after a long trip he found an old house in a forest and upon knocking he was greeted by an elderly man who seemed initially confused, but was quick to take the artificial being in and in the time they lived together the man taught Phantom about many things, from just simple history to magic and fighting. Unfortunately time took the man to the grave, leaving Phantom alone once again; he took a sword and cape that were left for him by his mentor before his death, the sword being one of the many things he had gotten in his time as a warrior and the cape being simply a memento.
  • From there on, Phantom spent the rest of his life as a mercenary who helped people without charging them for anything, spreading the kindness that was offered to him by his friend mostly because it was something he figured he might as well do while he was aimless. He eventually became a famous figure due to his habit of getting jobs done and then vanishing, sometimes he got paid by those he helped mostly because they wanted to pay him instead of him demanding it, which he accepted out of courtesy. One day, while visiting a city, he was caught offguard by a thief that stole some of his belongings and ran away to a forest, chasing after them, Phantom came across a cabin where he found a young fae girl named Aria who had apparently been left on her lonesome for 8 years after her mother mysteriously vanished. Feeling sorry for her, he convinced her to come with him so that she wouldn't have to be alone anymore and so he could help her find her missing mother.
  • In reality, Phantom was once a human youth that had gotten very ill to the point of being unable to leave his bed and being in constant pain. Seeing the struggle he and his family were going through, a Fae that was a family friend offered to turn him into a Guardian, an artificial being made by taking the soul of a living being and moving it into an artificial body. Seeing as in such a body he wouldn't have to suffer anymore, he was quick to accept, however, such a thing took a long time to be fully done and he wouldn't have any memories of what happened prior to it. While Phantom was being created, war had broken out and his parents were unfortunate victims of it, the Fae lived and was able to finish the soul transfer but, not being able to bring herself to tell him about the losses, decided to leave him a map that would guide him to someone who would understand what happened and be able to take care of him. That person being one of his few living relatives, his grandfather.

Relevant tropes:

• Artifact of Doom: His sword is one, being an ancient weapon blessed by an evil deity that somehow ended up in the hands of his mentor and was passed down to him.
• Animated Armor: He's a Guardian, which is an entire species of this.
• Black Knight: His appearance is invocative of one, done intentionally as his way of showing that he has no allegiance to anyone and as such not a proper paladin.
• The Comically Serious: Sometimes he's either the instigator or victim of some rather comical situations, intentional or not, and he often responds in this way when he just doesn't just join in on the laughter.
• Desperately Looking For A Purpose In L Ife: His main goal is finding the purpose of his creation, while he can't figure that out, he spends his time helping other people.
• Gentle Giant: Standing at 7'2/2.20m, Phantom is one of the tallest characters in the story and also one of the kindest.
• Healing Hands: As a paladin he's also able of healing others, mostly through this method.
• Humble Hero: He doesn't believe that he deserves praise for what he does as he figures that helping others in need at least should be standard practice.
• Jack of All Trades: He's capable of doing a little of everything in combat and doesn't specialize in anything.
• Knight in Shining Armor: He falls squarely into this.
• Light 'em Up: His brand of magic
• Living Legend: Having been around for a long time since he's functionally immortal, Phantom eventually became known as a legendary hero/mercenary
• Nice Guy: He makes a point to be polite to others, but his serious nature often makes him come across as rather imposing.
• Odd Friendship: His relationship with Aria is often seen as this, when not being seen as a parent-child, due to the fact that fae, despite being involved with developing the ritual that allowed for the creation of the guardians, are against the idea of artificial life.
• The Paladin: He has the ideals and the powers of one, however he has no association with religion or churches and perhaps because of not having his judgement clouded by religion, he actually manages to be more virtuous than most paladins, prefering to redeem those following an evil path rather than execute them.
• Parental Substitute: Ends up becoming one for Aria, although he doesn't realize it at first.
  • Papa Wolf: Lord have mercy of your soul if you try to hurt her.
• Red Baron: Known as "The Phantom Light", he embraced the title and it's where his name comes from.
• Tragic Keepsake: His cape is worn as his way of symbolizing his old friend and is also the last thing connect him with his family
• Screw the Rules, I'm Doing What's Right!: He's not afraid of going against the law if it interferes with what he's doing even if it might cause him some trouble later.
• The Stoic: He's usually serious and doesn't seem to be phazed by much, having no facial expression of his own doesn't help matters.
  • Not So Stoic: He does have a sense of humor and it's surprisingly not too difficult to make him let out the occasional chuckle, he's also not above friendly teasing.
• Walking the Earth: He never stays in one place for too long and due to that it can be really hard to get a hold of him.

edited 16th Feb '16 9:41:44 PM by FullMoon

Phantom seems sort of like a medieval superhero of some kind; shrouded in mystery and dedicated to the cause of good, but does so on his own terms and not in the service of a particular person or group—or I guess, not for too long anyway. That is a unique situation right there, since I can only once remember seeing a superhero and a fantasy-type setting ever mixed together, so I give you congratulations on originality.

Phantom's backstory is sort of sad, but at the same time pretty interesting, and his power-set really does bring about the image of a heroic paladin smiting the forces of evil...of course, as you said he's not fully one in the strictest sense of the word, but I still like the idea of it. Overall Phantom is a well-rounded character and I like his concept.

"Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake." —Edgar Wallace

I never really thought of Phantom as a kind of superhero before, but now that you mention it I can understand why you'd see him like that. I guess this was a happy accident since I'm very fond of superheroes myself haha.

I'm glad you like him though, he was originally a character I made for a RP but that particular one was so short lived and I liked him as a character so much that I thought it would be a waste to not make use of the concept and so I created an entire story around him (in fact the name of the story itself is Phantom Light) so I could use him for something again. It's good to know that other people seem to like the character and I didn't make a bad call.

It is unconventional for a main character to be an Animated Armor, so I'm interested in how you develop him. Few questions though. So if Phantom is a living armor, could he be worn by someone else? Also, since he is armor, he wouldn't have any organs, right? If so, what would count as a fatal injury, considering he is hollow inside? If the parts of his armor breaks, can he replace the parts? Can he feel pain or fatigue? His backstory fits with his motivation and personality, and is quite tragic as well. .

• I suppose it could be possible for such a thing to happen, though Phantom is unlikely to allow it, plus his armor is one made to suit humans, but is too big (he's 7'2/2.20m tall) for at least the vast majority of people to fit in.
• A guardian's weakpoint is a small crystal attached to their armor that contains their soul's essence, usually located either in their torso or helmet. If that crystal is broken their soul is let loose and leaves the armor with no chance of being brought back. This is the only way to take out a guardian for good. Phantom's is located in his helmet and it's the power of the crystal that gives him his glowing eyes.
• Phantom can fix his own armor if it gets damaged or seek help from others who know how to fix it. Worst case scenario he can indeed replace his body parts, with the exception of his helmet.
• He's incapable of feeling pain (and touch in general) he also can't smell, sleep or eat. Temperature also doesn't bother him too much outside of extreme cold since that can end up freezing the joints of his armor and make it difficult to move. He can't feel fatigue normally, but since guardians draw their magic from their crystal, if he goes overboard with his usage of his powers he does start feeling something akin to exhaustion

Seems like you thought thoroughly on your character, which is good.

Now for another character for the seven warriors.

Name: Zathos(his people only have one name, and will refer to themselves as ??? of the ??? tribe)

Age: 26

Appearance: Zathos has extremely pale skin, long white hair that reaches his waist and stands 6 feet tall. He has black flame-like markings spread across his back and wrapped around his arms. His arms are covered by blueish-gray bandages. He wears a featureless steel mask with little rectangle openings for his eyes and mouth, but if you look inside all you would see is a dark void. He has a muscular and lean built and wears a black cloak and pants. He doesn't wear armor into battle, only the clothes on his back and sandals.

Personality: He is pacifist, so he doesn't like using violence unless necessary and as a last resort. He doesn't like killing, and even if he has to resort to violence, he will refrain from killing, or kill with as little pain as possible. He will only kill to protect another life and he would plant flowers or trees for each person he kills. He is capable of talking, but chooses to be silent, as he has a Voice of the Legion as a side-effect from his contract, which people find unnerving and his own quiet nature. A little fairy named Lyfa who he saved talks for him. He is quite loyal, and would follow orders as long as it isn't murder, and is concise and pragmatic in his actions. Due to his quiet and trustworthy nature, he is the confidant to Hideaki. He is always calm, regardless of situation, and nothing can break his demeanor.

Abilities: If not for his pacifist nature, he can easily be the strongest of the seven. He contracted with Sarzyel, who is the personification of death and protector of souls. His people uses the same magic Isabella used to infuse her own soul into weapons, but varies slightly. By putting their body in a near-death state, they can pull out part of their soul and infuse it into their weapons or items, empowering it. Depending on the method they chose to put themselves into near-death, additional powers will be added. For example, a person who chooses to freeze themselves will have power to generate ice. If successful, the user will not die as long as the weapon doesn't break outside of old age, regenerating all wounds. For Zathos, due to contracting with a spirit of death, he can replicate the powers of all possible methods of murder. His weapon is his mask, which can emit a black liquid that forms into weapons of his choosing, ignite, explode, generate ice, poison and etc. He cannot resurrect people, but he can reanimate corpses to act as his army. His body cannot suffer from fatigue, pain, hunger or thirst, being near immortal.

Weaknesses: As said, if his mask breaks, he dies. In addition, if his mask is removed, his body stops moving. His biggest weakness is his own pacifism, which prevent him from using his power to its full potential.

Goal: Save his country.

Motivation: His country was originally divided into tribes which he took years to unite, but was invaded by Cyrus soon afterward. Hideaki took him in, so he serves him in exchange for his help.

Role in story: He is one of the seven.

Backstory: His country was originally divided into many tribes, who often battled each other. He was originally part of one of the bigger tribes, with his brother as chief. While young, he was more timid, and often mocked as a coward who didn't dare make his own weapon, and his pacifism was also looked down upon. His brother and mother tried to encourage him, but to no avail. When his mother fell sick, he attempted to look for medicine to cure her, but was kidnapped by a rival tribe. He was used as hostage, and his tribe was wiped out as a result. He managed to escape, and resolved to become stronger and stop the war in his country. He tried to look for the ancient ones, who taught the technique to his people, trekking through the harshest of conditions. The ancient ones, who were people that could communicate with the spirits, and were helping the spirits to look for people worthy of possessing their power. Zathos was put through over a thousand near-death situations, which he did without hesitating, as well as undergoing Training from Hell to master the use of weapons. After contracting, he travels back to his homeland, saving Lyfa on the way. While he originally intended to solve things diplomatically, his voice isn't good for negotiations, and Lyfa is not good and negotiating. With no choice, he beats the living crap out of all their best warriors simultaneously, forcing them to listen. After a while, he became a living legend, and is idolized by his people. He manages to unite them, but they lack a competent ruler or effective government, so when they were invaded, they broke apart easily, and Zathos was left on the run.

Relevant tropes:

Dark Is Not Evil: He is quite intimidating and creepy, but is quite friendly to others.

Empathetic Weapon: He can create wild beasts from the black liquid, which have a mind of their own,

The Quiet One: He almost doesn't talk. Lyfa is able to understand him somehow despite not being telepathic.

Spontaneous Weapon Creation: Their tribe's ability. The item they use is a medium.

Badass: Often, he doesn't need to move a step to defeat his enemy.

Beware the Quiet Ones: He frequently stay silent in the background, but his ability is unquestioned.

In the Hood: His black cloak has a really big hood.

Black Cloak: The only thing he has left of his brother.

Mask of Power

The Confidant: Often to Hideaki, but sometimes to others.

The Comically Serious

Creepily Long Arms: He can form them, which comes from death of being strangled by someone.

Silent Snarker

Feels No Pain

Nerves of Steel: One of the ways he was brought to near death was being tortured to an inch of his life, and he never screamed despite still being able to feel pain. He was also pitted against giant monsters, but charged right in without hesitation.

{{Red Oni, Blue Oni}}: Lyfa is red to his blue.

The Voiceless

The Stoic: The biggest one in the entire story outside of a villain serving as his foil. Not above Tranquil Fury.

Voice of the Legion

Martial Pacifist: With Reluctant Warrior

Hmm, the Seven just keep getting more and more interesting. Zathos is...interesting if for no other reason than his appearance and powerset would give the impression of a ruthless, killer devoid of humanity or emotion and he is obviously neither. In some ways he reminds me of a typical Lich, with his mask being the source of his power—and his immortal life—while his body seems almost dead and impervious to pain. The method with which he got his powers seems pretty painful but makes his backstory awesome.

As a protagonist Zathos seems like he has his own little niche on the team, not just with his powers but his personality since he seems like the sort who would advocate the peaceful solution to a problem and advise the others on the ways it could be brought about with the least bloodshed. What I like about that aspect of him is that it comes along with his powers so that the reader knows that he's not negotiating because of fear or out of weakness but because he doesn't want to obliterate his enemies. It makes his pacifism more genuine.

edited 21st Feb '16 2:33:10 PM by Swordofknowledge

"Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake." —Edgar Wallace

Another The Golden Sword hero. This time it's the Number Two of Team 24.

• Name: Captain’s Second Kiera Mavelon, "The Order's Strongest Mage"

• Age: 58

• Appearance: Like all Wood Elves, Kiera has brownish-green skin, pointed ears, colorless hair and narrow jet-black eyes. Her hair is pulled back into a severe bun, leaving bangs to hang around a face lined with age and stress. Kiera has no armor; instead she wears a high-collared long-sleeved blue and silver tunic that hangs to her knees, and pants made of chain-mail and black cloth. A heavy leather belt with pouches containing the shards of a Hero's body hangs around her waist. Leather gloves cover her arms to the elbows and similar boots come to her knees. Beneath the gloves, Kiera's hands were once marked with silver tattoos to note her clan, but the markings are now obscured by burn scars. Kiera is never without her staff, a long and twisted black wooden rod sprouting three branches from the top. Three bronze elven skulls are affixed to the end of each of these “branches”. When not actively using the staff, it is strapped to her back by a heavy leather harness worn around her chest.

• Personality: Kiera is cold, aloof and bitterly abrasive. She does not believe in using kind or reassuring language to cover up animosity or sugarcoat terrible situations, and is often blunt about her feelings and intentions. Kiera abhors disorganization of any kind; her possessions are neatly arranged and easily accessible to her at a moment's notice, and she disdains people who lack a sense of neatness. She does have a sense of empathy and great loyalty for her comrades, though it can be hard to spot by a casual observer. Kiera will often concoct plans that limit the risk taken by the soldiers under her command, and shows visible grief and anger when they are killed. She has a rabid hatred for the Pariahs due to the deaths of her husband and twin daughters during the 21st Incursion, and will fight against them to the point of exhaustion, occasionally endangering herself and those under her. This latter reason is why she shows deep respect and deference to Glenn Waldron, the leader of Team 24—he shares her goal of permanent eradication of the Pariahs, but tempers it with restraint and shrewdness that she is aware she lacks. Kiera openly resents those who risk the lives of others for personal power and gain, due to having once been like that herself. Similarly, she considers people who block progress against the Pariahs to be worse than the monsters themselves. This belief allows her to kill or torture other mortals without remorse if she feels they stand between the Black Knights and their goal. Kiera feels great self-loathing for her role in the deaths of her family due to her preoccupation with power, and bitterly concedes that she does not deserve to see them again in the Wood Eternal.

• Abilities: Kiera’s primary method of attack is to fling fireballs of varying size towards her enemies. These come in two sets—fireballs that simply set the enemy ablaze, or ones that explode on contact. Multiple blasts of the second type function like artillery shells to damage the hardened skin of Pariahs, and can blow apart the body of a mortal. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Kiera can lower the temperature of the air within a set radius around a target, inflicting severe frostbite or even freezing an enemy to death. Kiera has utterly mastered the spells of Expulsion and Invitation. Expulsion allows her to instantly throw enemies away from her, while Invitation pulls them forward at such speed that they are unable to react effectively. She can use both of these on herself to accelerate forward or backwards to avoid blows. Kiera is an expert quarterstaff fighter, and can use her magical staff to block sword-strikes and even projectiles, though this is much harder. By adding a small blade to the bottom of her staff, she increases the damage dealt by her staff's swings. Like all mages, Kiera has great control over maneuvering her Essence, allowing her to manipulate it to bring about the spells she wants at a moment's notice. She has the potential to commune with plants and manipulate their growth, but was never formally trained and thus can only sense the flow of their Essence. Having studied magic for most of her life, Kiera is adept at learning new spells and applying them when pressed for time. Like all Wood Elves, her body will take nourishment from the sun if conventional food is unavailable.

• Weaknesses: Repeated use of magic slowly wears away at her focus until she literally cannot think anymore and is temporarily overwhelmed with chaotic thoughts and memories. While proficient in War Magic, she struggles to perform the more complex Court Magic. While Kiera can block the occasional arrow with her staff, faster projectiles like bullets or the Essence darts used by the Red Knights Brigade are impossible to defend against. Her bluntness and refusal to soften her words has made her many enemies and repulsed those who could be allies. She is recovering from a severe addiction to alcohol, which makes it difficult to even occupy the same space as the potent beverage. Without access to sunlight and water, she will weaken and eventually die.

• Goals: Kill every last Pariah on Mareaubia so that mortals can leave the domes. Prior to the death of her family, she wished to obtain the Mage’s Guild rank of Magister no matter what the cost.

• Motivation: Her husband and both daughters died in the 21st Incursion when their unit of White Knights was overrun. Kiera had a chance to be part of a Mages Guild contingent that could have aided them, but chose to meet with a newly appointed Magister who could have given her a leg up in the Guild hierarchy…and she has never forgiven herself for that lack of action. Her desire to become the Forest of Sevlel's Magister was due to a belief that she deserved the power and luxury the office entailed after enduring scorn and hardship all her life.

• Role in the Story: Kiera is the first and only magic-user to formally join the ranks of the Crusader Order, making her a minor celebrity among the soldiers. She is the second-in-command of Team 24, the Black Knight unit that is the focus of the story. After Hope and Marian are added to the team, she functions as Marian's "handler" in charge of guaranteeing she obeys commands and doesn't try to escape. During the civil war arc she effectively becomes the full-time leader of Team 24 and handles the physical aspects of the conflict while Glenn is forced to deal with House Landry and the Minister's Assembly on a more political level. She is later secretly entrusted with the last remaining piece of the Golden Sword and given the choice of forcibly turning Hope into a Hero, should the need arise.

• Backstory:

Kiera was born in the Forests of Sevlel, the territory granted to the Wood Elves when the races fled the First Incursion to settle beneath the domes. Her clan, the Mavelon, had been a ruthless dynasty of warlords that terrorized many other Wood Elf clans before the appearance of the Pariahs. Having lost everything in transition to the domes, they were reviled outcasts in the Forests. Kiera’s birth was not considered a blessing to her family; as the youngest of nine children, she represented yet another drain on their resources. As soon as she was old enough, she was made to work along-side her family tending the pits that housed the trash from the Forest of Sevlel’s villages. It was miserable, degrading work, and Kiera endured the scorn and jeers of her fellow Wood Elves both because of her clan and the job her family had been forced into accepting.

As the years went on, Kiera slowly developed a relationship with another worker in the trash-pits named Tilbom. Though he was a poor Mavelon like her, he radiated optimism and spoke boldly about his dream of leaving the Forest to jointhe Crusader Order and becoming a White Knight to help protect the citizenry of the domes. He continually urged Kiera to with him and embrace her own dreams. When she explained that she didn’t even know what those were, he simply told her she could discover them along the way.

Everything changed when a Union Project invaded the lands of the Eastern Dome, setting off the 20th Incursion. Hordes of refugees fled the cities in the east, flooding the elven Forest and consuming resources as the Crusader Order led by the now transformed Hermann Landry tried to quell the problem. The food shortages caused by the death of the land due to the Pariahs’ influence and the burden of feeding refugees was especially cruel to Kiera’s family, and they were soon reduced to picking food from the trash-pits where they worked, and fighting amongst themselves for the scraps. When Tilbom once again suggested they flee the Forests of Sevlel Kiera left without looking back. Tilbom and Kiera settled into the city of Demirf and used their combined money to buy a small house.

Due to the loss of soldiers in the 20th Incursion Tilbom was quickly accepted into the ranks of the White Knights, and eventually rose to the rank of captain. Kiera worked as a maid for hire, before a mage whose house she cleaned sensed her mystic potential and inducted her into the Guild as an apprentice. Despite being older than any other apprentice, Kiera managed to impress her instructors with her aptitude. As she continued to train, she was entranced by the power and respect afforded to the higher ranked members of the Guild, and she aspired to be like them. She married Tilbom and while their marriage was a happy one, brightened by the birth of her twin daughters, Kiera still found herself increasingly involved in the intrigue and power-plays that dominated the Mages Guild’s inner structure.

The desire for power dominated Kiera’s mind as she rose higher in the ranks of the Guild, and she set her eyes upon the rank of Magister—specifically the Magister who would control the mages of the Forests of Sevlel and advise the chieftains of the clans in matters of magic. The thought of lording over those who had persecuted her feed into this ambition and Kiera soon began to spend all her time among the mages. Her family was often neglected, and the raising of their daughters fell mostly on Tilbom while Kiera remained a loving but distant presence in their lives. Because of their close relationship, the twins followed their father’s footsteps and joined him in the Crusader Order as White Knights.

In time, the three of them were assigned to the same unit and Kiera declined to move with them, and she faintly realized that the separation gave her more time to focus on her career.Kiera, now an assistant to Magister Caasi of the human kingdom of Gado, was in a meeting when word came of the 21st Incursion tearing into the Southern Dome. Knowing that it was where Tilbom and her daughters were stationed, Kiera was worried. However, Magister Caasi counted on her as his personal aid, and joining the mages aiding the White Knights would cost her his good graces, so she declined to join the contingent heading for the Southern territories.

The next day, Kiera heard that the area had been overrun, all of the soldiers there killed. Heartbroken and devastated at the loss of her family, Kiera tried to go on, but found herself unable to even think. She turned to alcohol to bury the feelings of grief, guilt and self-hatred and slowly began to slip into addiction. She no longer held any wish to become a Magister and eventually left the Guild.

Kiera drifted into the Underground beneath the domes, the place where the rejects and beggars of the domed kingdoms ended up. She stayed there for over a decade, drinking herself into numbness and only surfacing to occasionally soak up sunlight. Kiera alternately stole money from others or performed buffoonish or degrading actions to procure money for her habit. One day, she attempted to steal the coin-purse of a dwarf named Hrothgar Farthul, a powerful warrior and officer in the Black Knights. He defeated her easily in her weakened state, but took pity on Kiera rather than kill her.

Hrothgar slowly got Kiera to open up about her past, and after hearing it, suggested that she rejoin the Guild and support the Order. But Kiera refused and instead clung to the idea of joining the Order itself to fight against the Pariahs. After failed attempts to dissuade her, Hrothgar then started to teach her informally what to expect and how to fit in, and Kiera started on her path to becoming a soldier in mortal-kind’s knights.

• Relevant Tropes:

• Abusive Parents: Kiera's parents cursed her existence as just one more mouth to feed, a burden straining their resources. While never openly hostile towards her, they forced her to work in the trash-pits like the rest of the family, from the time she was five years old, completely disregarding any harm that could have come to her. Kiera considers herself an example of this; she was never really around for her twin daughters Dumay and Salis due to being embroiled in Mages Guild politics and mostly left their raising up to her husband Tolbim. Not to mention she declined to join a group that was attempting to save their lives for fear of losing the favor of a man who could have helped her ascend even higher in the Guild.

• The Ace: When she was an apprentice at the Mages Guild tower in the city of Demirf. She outperformed her fellow apprentices in both the study and practical application of magic, something that incited both jealousy and admiration and brought her to the attention of those who watched for exceptional talents to hone and put to use for their own gain.

• Alien Blood: Wood Elves have thick, amber-colored blood like tree sap and Kiera is no exception.

• All Up to You/ You Are in Command Now: Glenn appoints Kiera the Captain of Team 24 and assigns her the task of overseeing the operation to locate and reclaim Hope and Marian from the forces of the Order while he negotiates with the Minister's Assembly and the Guardian-Knight. This goes about as well as you can imagine, and as things escalate into full-on civil war to remove Marlene Landry from the Guardian-Knight's seat and replace the Yes-Man Assembly, Kiera keeps Team 24 focused on the mission they were given, even after they are forced to fight and kill other members of the Crusader Order to simply stay alive, let alone fulfill their objective.

• A Mother To Her Men: Kiera will never put her men before the mission—and knows they wouldn't want her to—but tries very hard to ensure that none of them die, at some points telling them to leave her behind if necessary. When they are killed, she will make it a personal mission to have the Pariah who killed them destroyed somewhere down the line. Though she saw Hope as a tool they used to acquire Marian and Marian herself as a useful weapon and little more, this attitude slowly but surely started to extend to them as well.

• Anti-Hero: Kiera's sole motivation for joining the Black Knights is her unquenchable hatred regarding the Pariahs for what they did to her family. She has no idealistic goals or sense of gallantry for the sake of mortal-kind like many other members of the Knights do, and she will tell people this or any other truths she feels need to be shared, with the subtlety and tact of a thrown stone. She has a disturbing penchant for cruelty and violence, forcibly fitting Marian with an enchanted Slave Collar, torturing and experimenting on members of the Children of the Outer World and at one point vivisecting a captive Red Knight while he begged and pleaded in order to figure out how to counter their Magitek body-enhancements. That said, she cares deeply for the men and women under her command and their deaths clearly affect her on a personal level.

• Authority Equals Asskicking: She is the second in command of Team 24 and a powerful Magister-level War Mage...meaning she can incinerate you, freeze you to death, or incapacitate you before doing the aforementioned things. Interestingly enough, Kiera is objectively more powerful than Glenn, who is the Team Captain, at least when it comes to the raw damage they can inflict on their enemies, making it an odd example of Brains and Brawn.

• Armor-Piercing Question: Hrothgar asks Kiera this on his deathbed, and it shakes her to the core: Who is the target of her revenge? The Pariahs or herself?

• The Alcoholic: Kiera was one for at least ten years after her family died. Wood Elves don't do well with alcohol anyway even in mild doses, let alone the potent dwarf spirits she consumed on a daily basis. Hrothgar forcibly cut her off from alcohol and helped her sober up as part of preparation to get ready for becoming a Crusader. When she hides in a train station bar to avoid him and the Red Knights, he taunts her about this when he enters the establishment to kill her.

• The Atoner: Kiera has never forgiven herself for not rushing to her family's rescue with a volunteer contingent of War Mages who headed towards the location where their unit of White Knights was embattled with the Pariahs. She admits that logically they might have died anyway, but the uncertainty that she could have made a difference torments her relentlessly. She uses that guilt as a driving force to push her onward, even when she feels like lying down and giving up.

• Aw, Look! They Really Do Love Each Other: Despite Hrothgar murdering three of her teammates in an exceptionally brutal manner and spending a great deal of time trying to do the same to her, Kiera is visibly grief-stricken when he finally dies of his wounds after the battle with Marlene's Pariah, and she takes some of his dying advice to heart, and winds up reconsidering her life and many of her actions up until that point.

• Awesome by Analysis: Kiera managed to figure out the trick the Children of the Outer World's Listeners used to tear the Essence out of their sacrificial victims by reading through their holy texts. Furthermore she forced captive Listeners to do this to other cultists and experimented on other prisoners until she gained the power herself, though she mentions she despises using it since it makes her feel filthy.
  • She was able to figure out Marian's true nature—or at least some of it—by listening to the faint feeling of familiarity she had when looking at the girl, and pouring through volumes of Mages Guild records until she found Anna Listar, the woman who was Marian's exact lookalike.

• Badass: It usually takes five Black Knight soldiers using copious amounts of Dragon's Blood to fell the average Pariah. With Kiera added to the mix, the number can be lowered to three, with her inflicting devastating blast and burn wounds with her fireballs or making the enemy's limbs or skin brittle enough with her ice to be easily shattered by the swords wielded by the Knights. Her mastery over War Magic has allowed Team 24 to take its place among the higher-placed teams in terms of Pariah kills outside the domes, and she was able to outrun and single-handedly kill several Red Knights—One-Hit Kill wielding super-soldiers who function as the unofficial "clean-up crew" for House Landry and the Minister's Assembly.

• Badass Family: Her husband was a soldier in the White Knights, as were her daughters. While the White Knights are not nearly as powerful or as skilled as the Black Knights, they are still dedicated soldiers and are given a great deal of training in combat techniques and arrest procedures, since they deal with mortal criminals. Kiera herself was a member of the Mages Guild and on the fast track to becoming a Magister—the mage in charge of a nation's Guild towers and the mages within. Her clan the Mavelon was this to a lesser extent, being a group of warlords and ravaging bandits until they were forced under the domes.

• Battle Couple: A non-romantic version of this with Glenn Waldron, the leader of Team 24. He was a new recruit when she joined Team 24 and she watched him slowly work his way up the chain. The two of them have a good fighting routine together and have practiced for some time. Kiera respects his judgments and admires the way he can dissociate himself from the chaos and emotions of battle to form strategies and complex plans both on and off the field, and they are genuine but professional friends.

• Berserk Button: Don't kill or harm her men. Doing so will' result in your brutal death, regardless of whether you are Pariah or mortal. In her first appearance, she responds to a Pariah killing a new recruit by leaping onto its head and unleashing a barrage of fireballs until the blasts burrow through its skull and fry its brain and spinal column. Furthermore if you are one of her men or even loosely affiliated with Team 24, do not betray her trust or give aid to the enemy. While it won't produce the same rage that killing her people will, you can be sure Kiera will not be happy.

• Big Bad Friend: Two words: Hrothgar Farthul. The dwarven soldier picked her up out of the gutter and befriended her, and when she insisted she was going to join the Crusaders, he gave her basic training to even survive the boot camp and used his influence to get her in. Seeing him as the leader of the Red Knights who abducted Hope and Marian and who personally murdered her teammates is horrifying and rage-inducing for her.

• Black Eyes of Evil: Kiera's eyes are narrow and solid black without a hint of white or iris to be seen. However they aren't evil, just a racial trait of being a Wood Elf.

• Blatant Lies: She, along with Glenn, both stood before the Minister's Assembly and Guardian-Knight Marlene Landry after the 23rd Incursion and the "Miracle of Murok" and swore an oath that if they could have possession of Marian as a weapon, they would devote every bit of their time not killing Pariahs to finding the kidnapped Hope Landry. However Team 24 had Hope in their custody, but the only other option was having Marian vanish into the Assembly's custody, and losing a valuable weapon forever. So they simply lied and decided to cross the bridge of what to do about Hope when they came to it.

• Brutal Honesty: Says the truth whether or not a person wants—or even needs—to hear it. When Marian bitterly demands to know if a lifetime of forced servitude is a proper reward for having saved the city of Murok, Kiera tells her that what she deserves doesn't matter because she's a monster that no one sees as a mortal anyway, and that the only way she will live is if she stays with them. She outright tells a wounded soldier that he is going to die outside the domes from his wounds, and has no problem telling Glenn when his prosthetic leg is interfering with his fighting style—something few others would dare to do out of respect or fear.

• Bullet Proof Dwarven Shield: Uses Invitation to suck a Red Knight forward and uses his body as a shield against the Essence darts fired by the others. When they hit and kill the unfortunate soldier, she uses his comrades' horror at accidentally killing him to use Expulsion to fling his splattered remains into them, using the distraction to slice their throats with her staff blade.

• Casual Danger Dialogue: She has a habit of talking to the Pariahs she fights in a low monotone, muttering observations about their appearance, fighting styles and the like—though she isn't really aware of it; when Marian makes a comment on the practice, Kiera is slightly taken aback. A straighter example would be when fighting Hrothgar; the two of them exchange banter about the past and a degree of insults while trying to murder one another.

• Clear My Name: Like the rest of Team 24, she is forced to prove that she is not a secret Deep God worshiper when the Minister's Assembly uses the paranoia stemming from the recent discovery of the Children of the Outer World to frame them as members of the cult and attribute it to their unwillingness to give up Marian. However she refuses to turn herself or the rest of the Team in to argue the accusations, knowing that it is a trap to catch and kill them all. She then worsens it with this refusal and insistence on sticking to the mission, killing anyone who tries to stop them, even other Order members.

• Cold-Blooded Torture: She and Glenn brutally interrogate Silas, the goblin High Priest of the Children of the Outer World in order to find out the the reasons behind Deep God worshiping cult's sudden attacks on the Crusader Order. During this interrogation she burns him, freezes the air around his tail enough that it becomes brittle so she can shatter it, along with holding his head under water for minutes at a time.

• Cold Equation: Marian, still in the grip of a Heroic BSoD concerning her origins, offers to sacrifice herself by letting Marlene's Pariah kill her since it still has the powers of the Golden Sword, and it may be enough to make sure Marlene's strategy to kill the Deep God proceeds as planned. Kiera actually considers it for a moment, asking for more details about the specifics of the plan before being yelled at by Hope.

• Combat Pragmatist: When facing Pariahs she always uses the maximum amount of force, even on the smaller or weaker specimens to ensure that there is no question of a death. This trait truly comes out when she's facing the Red Knights however. Knowing that she can't win against their speed, strength, dexterity and One-Hit Kill attacks she resorts to unconventional tactics such as hiding in a train station bar, using Invitation to pull one of them towards her to use as a living shield, and then as a projectile into the others.

• Explosive Leash: Kiera tells Marian that the collar she was fitted with is enchanted to explode should she leave the presence of Team 24 for an hour when beneath the domes, ensuring she stays with them if she wants to keep her head attached. As it turned out, the collar is explosive, but it does not trigger on its own, Kiera has to will the spell to work. After she watches Marian get most of her head punched off and still heal, she stops bringing up the collar since Marian knows that losing her head is only incapacitating.

• Face Death with Dignity: While the Chamber of Empowerment and the castle of Six Towers itself is collapsing on Team 24, and the fiery aura of Marlene's Pariah closing in, Kiera very gently explains that they have literally no chance of escape. She then asks Marian in the same uncharacteristically gentle voice if there is anything she can do to save them, but that she understands if there really isn't. This causes Marian to transform into her true form and hold the ruins up with her true body's tendrils.

• High Collar of Doom: Her tunic's collar rises up to her cheeks and splits wide down the middle so her mouth and nose can easily be seen.

• Human Shield: Subverted. Kiera briefly thinks of making hostages of the stunned patrons of the bar she's using to hide from Hrothgar, but thinks better of it, realizing that if the Crusader Order is trying to assassinate their own soldiers using horrific weaponry in public, in broad daylight, things are so out of control that the Red Knights will have no problem shooting any hostages she tries to use as bargaining chips.

• I Call It "Vera": Kiera's staff doesn't have a name itself, but the three bronzed skulls on its "branches" do—their names are Tolbim, Dumay and Salis. It is unclear whether or not the skulls are actually those of her dead family, but they are real skulls of a male and two female Wood Elves. And she does not take kindly to anyone touching it except her.

• I Did What I Had to Do: She uses this as her justification for many of the morally dubious actions she takes. She actually says this word-for-word after she "paints" a group of White Knights with Essence she drained from captured cultists and uses them as bait to draw a large swarm of Pariahs in order to use the swarm to waylay Kajack, Vania and Aveen. It results in massive loss of life for the White Knights she used as bait, and many are furious with her actions, including Glenn himself.

• Kick the Dog: Performing what is essentially exploratory surgery on a captured Red Knight while he was still alive and without any sort of anesthesia to better analyze his body-enhancements is probably the worst thing she has done. It appalls most of Team 24, even though the man in question was part of a group that just murdered three of their squad-mates. When the man lapses into screaming baby-talk and she asks for a rag to cover his mouth, she has to get it herself since everyone is either too shocked or just horrified to move.

• Nerves of Steel: A requirement for a unit that goes toe-to-toe with bloodthirsty Eldritch Abominations on an almost weekly basis.

• Not So Different: To Marlene Landry. Both are middle-aged women in positions of power, both have an incredible hatred for the Pariahs, and the Deep God and both are capable of extreme viciousness and outright cruelty towards those they feel stand in the way of their plans to rid the world of their hated foes. Where their differences come into play is that Kiera doesn't view herself as having the moral high-ground, merely a desire for revenge that she is willing to do anything to achieve. She also acknowledges that she is blinded by hatred and is willing to take outside advice.

• O.O.C. Is Serious Business: Kiera never uses profanity; she'll cut you apart with her words, but will never swear, she thinks it's vulgar. Even during the conflict with the Children of the Outer World, she abstains from it. After the Red Knights brutally murder three team members, and the civil war drags on, she begins using profanity more and more.

• Pet the Dog: She has many moments, but a few stand out. During her first appearance in the story, Kiera loses two new recruits who got in over their heads and were drained by Pariahs. She later sifts through their rotting flesh and bone fragments to procure their Knight's Star badge to bring back to their families. When Drukon, the mage who raised Marian is revealed to be dead and Marian discovers his bones in a shallow grave in Six Towers, Kiera holds her while she cries and screams her grief, telling her that she knows what it is like to lose a loved one.

• Plant Person: Like all Wood Elves.

• Red Baron: Kiera is commonly known as The Order's Strongest Mage. While it has the trappings of respect, it is a running joke, since she is currently the only magic-user serving the Crusader Order as an enlisted soldier.

• Slavery Is a Special Kind of Evil: After the initial fear, disgust and anger at having someone like Marian on the team started to die down, one of the subjects broached was the fact that she was essentially a slave since she was forcibly conscripted and had a collar that prevented her from leaving. Slavery being illegal beneath the domes, this made several people uncomfortable. When a new recruit mentions it, Kiera describes graphically how his predecessor was killed by a Pariah a few weeks earlier and asks him if he would like to die the same way. When he says no, she asks him how he would feel if having Marian around could prevent that in the field. When he stammers, she simply walks away.

• Squishy Wizard: Downplayed. Kiera is not trained in using a sword or a gun, and she certainly doesn't inject Dragon's Blood into her veins, but she is no pushover. She is quite good at fighting with her staff when unable to use magic, though this essentially cuts her power in half.

• Storm of Blades: During the second and final battle with the Red Knights Brigade while invading Six Towers, she uses this as part of the strategy to defeat them. After having the team gather bags of swords taken from fallen enemies, Kiera then uses Expulsion to send them flying in all directions. It is woefully inaccurate, but it causes the Red Knights to scatter, revealing their hiding positions.

• Stunned Silence: After Hrothgar turns Lucky, Choyo, and Div into Ludicrous Gibs with the Essence darts, all Kiera can do for a few moments afterwards is stand there in horror, her clothes and skin covered with their blood and chunks of flesh. It's only when he amiably greets her that she snaps out of it and manages to avoid a shot that would have done the same to her.

• Tranquil Fury: When the Black Knight Aveen betrays them to join Kajack and Vania to kidnap Marian, Kiera actually attempts to reason with her and even promises to speak up for her at her inevitable trial. However it is clear she is barely holding on to her temper by the thinnest of threads. Considering Aveen aided the two Rock Elves in killing both White and Black Knights, destroying part of an Order base, kidnapping their weapon against the Pariahs and heading outside the domes, it's more than understandable.

• What the Hell, Hero?: She is furious when she realizes Glenn's plan to defeat Marlene's Pariah requires luring it to the Forest of Sevlel's outer edge to force the Order to send troops to deal with the monstrosity. While she understands the practical value of securing soldiers to aid them, the thought of putting her homeland in danger angers her, despite what she endured there.

edited 22nd Feb '16 10:37:36 PM by Swordofknowledge

"Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake." —Edgar Wallace

Kiera is interesting, she sounds like the type of calm and collected military character, but at the same time she doesn't have the self-discipline needed to let her biases cloud her judgement, which leads to some costly mistakes. Her way of trying to prevent the death of her troops in battle to the most she can is very noble and although she had (and still has) selfish goals, she has very understandable reasons to be the kind of person she is which makes her sympathetic and relatable.

Her powers are fairly simple, which is fine and they still do bring the image of a powerful mage into mind. Her backstory is tragic and leads into everything else very well, making for quite a well-rounded character. She also has quite an interesting appearance.

Now for my next character, from the same story as the last.

• Name: Aria
• Age: Unknown
• Appearance: She's a small child, looking about the size of a 9 years old. Her hair is short and of an azure color; her eyes are forest green, have pupils that are larger than normal, as if they were always dilated, and also have a thin black coloration on the contorns of them that looks like some kind of natural eyeliner. She wears a strapless dress that looks as if it was made of leaves, but is actually typical fabric. She wears a pair of brown bead wristlets, one in each arm, and a small black musical note shaped hairpin. She wears a pair of simple wooden sandals as well and possesses somewhat large dark blue, transparent leaf-shaped butterfly wings.
• Personality: Aria is sweet, caring and very supportive. She's the kind of person that would stop everything she's doing in order to cheer up anyone who's looking sad and try to make friends with everyone. She's innocent and a bit clueless, it being due to ignorance than being particularly dumb. She always looks forward to learning about stuff and explore the unknown although she can be reckless in how she approaches it. She can be a very clingy person, often refusing to let someone go somewhere without her and trying to spend as much time with other people as possible due to her fear of loneliness. Aria also always feels the need to do everything right, having a huge fear of disappointing others, which often leaves her stressing herself needlessly, sometimes to the point of crying if the task proves itself to be way more difficult than she expected.
• Abilities: Aria's main ability is to use magic through music. By singing certain magic songs, she can create a variety of different effects on people. At first she's unable to control her powers very well, but later on she learns how to focus the magic of the song around specific people. She's also capable of changing shape into a much smaller form, a power shared with all fae.
  • Lullaby of the Soul: A song that reaches out to someone's soul and slowly begins draining their stamina for as long as Aria can keep herself singing until they collapse into sleep. It's impossible to kill someone with this song, merely knock them uncounscious.
  • Chant of Purity: A song that removes any curses or mind control spells.
  • Anthem of Passion: A song that energizes the soul, it serves much like an adrenaline rush, filling the target with so much energy that it allows even the most exhausted warrior to come back to fighting with full stamina and also boosts their power, physical and magical. However, once the effects run out they will feel fatigue proportional to just how much they exerted themselves, sometimes resulting in people passing out.
  • Sonnet of Life: A song that envelops the target in an aura that heals them for as long as it's still around, however, the healing is slow so it's very possible to deal more damage than the aura can heal. Doesn't work on guardians.
  • Ballad of Disruption: A song that dispells any magic enchancement such as enchantments and power boosts.
  • Melody of Calmness: A calming song that allows even the most hateful souls to find some inner peace.
  • Chorus of the Spirit: A ritual song that allows Aria to open a link between the enlightned and mortal world, allowing her to communicate with her real parents and even travel to the spirit world while still living. The ritual itself takes a long time to be concluded and is incredibly exhaustive to perform.
  • Tenanye's Aria: A ritual song that allows Aria to unlock the full powers of the goddess Tenanye, allowing her full control over nature, however, all this powers puts a severe strain on her body which makes her unable to spend more than some minutes in this form.
  • Aria is obviously a very talented singer when it comes to normal songs, but she's also an excelent cook and quite knowledgeable when it comes to herbal medicine, being able to make concoctions for all kinds of magic potions and just being very good in the medicine field in general.
• Weaknesses: Aria is a child in stature and unarmoured, so she's very frail. Her songs take a good amount of time to take effect and are also passive in nature, meaning she's helpless in a fight by herself outside of managing to complete a Lullaby of the Soul. As a fae she's also very vulnerable to dark magic.
• Goal: Find her missing mother and discover more about the world.
• Motivation: Her loneliness and sheltered life meant that she had nobody else but her caring mother in her life and outside of stuff that she read in some books or things that were told about her, she never really got to experience much of the world outside her home, which of course fueled her curiosity.
• Role in the Story: Deuteragonist
• Backstory: Aria is a mysterious fae girl who was raised away from her species in a place called Forest of Silence where she was basically homeschooled by her mother. She never understood why she was never allowed to leave her home, but her mother was very adamant about it and so she obeyed. The two lived by themselves for a long time until her mother had to leave as an important matter had come up, it seemed innocent enough for Aria at first, but then her mother never returned. Day after day she hoped her mom would return, but it never happened, but she never stopped clinging on to that hope for 8 years while also not leaving the forest like she was told to. Her loneliness only got worse as time went past, the only thing keeping her going being the hope that one day she wouldn't be alone anymore. Her wish was finally fulfilled as a guardian named Phantom ended up finding her cabin and after spending a night with him, he claimed to having been sent there by her mother to protect her, fully believing him, Aria began following her new friend into the world outside her home.
  • Aria is actually the daughter of Tenanye, the fae goddess of nature, and Medeis, the fae god of magic. She inherited her mother's powers and her twin brother, Warren, inherited her father's. The two were born as the successors of the two deities that had long left the mortal realm, they were sent there so that they could learn about the world and were meant to be raised by the fae to be worthy successors. However, the fae ended up being far too demanding in their training and expectations, resulting in both kids growing to become stressed and resentful of their people, even trying to rebel but to no avail. This negativity led to Warren being exploited by a demon, who lured him and tempted him into joining them with the promise to free him and his sister. However all that was done was that Warren was corrupted into a demon himself and began losing himself in the process, after realizing his mistake he quickly got his sister out of the fae capital and as a last act of kindness, erased her memories so she wouldn't have to suffer with the loss or remembering her past struggles before leaving her for good. Aria was then found uncounscious by a human woman who had been spying on the events of the fae capital in secret and, knowing about the girl's potential, took her in by claiming to be her mother.

Related Tropes:

• Area of Effect: Her songs start affecting everything that can hear them, but later she manages to learn how to control who they affect.
• Cheerful Child: Aria is very jolly and always tries to keep an optimistic outlook on things.
• Children Are Innocent: In her case it's due to being a very sheltered kid until Phantom finds her
• Cuddle Bug: While she's wise enough to not go around hugging everybody, she's very affectionate with her friends and especially Phantom.
• Corrupt the Cutie: Attempted, but Aria proves to be very hard to corrupt unlike her brother
• Determinator: There's no stopping this girl once she gets her mind set into something and nothing will stop her from helping her friends even if it means she might die in the process.
• Fairy Companion: She's this for everyone in the main cast, especially Phantom.
• Friendless Background: Again, as part of being so sheltered.
• Friend to All Living Things: She gets along very well animals fittingly so for the child of the goddess of nature
• The Heart: You can count on her to keep the team's spirits up, be it by just being encouraging or helping them feel better by singing them a song or making them some good food.
• Heroic BSoD: When she learns about her brother, Aria's memories all come flooding back and she breaks down.
• The Load: Her feeling like this is what drives her to develop her abilities further so that she would be able to help everyone else.
• Magic Music: Her power is centered around this.
• The Medic: Aria can make healing potions for the cast to use when needed, she also treats their wounds after battles so Phantom doesn't need to waste his magic with it, or when he simply isn't around for it. She can make a concoction that when applied to a guardian's armor, it fixes any damage done to it, as such she's the only one capable of healing Phantom's "injuries"
• Morality Pet: To her brother, as she's the only thing he still cares about even after being corrupted into a hateful demon
• Parental Substitute: She quickly starts to view Phantom as a father.
• Parrot Pet Position: She likes to ride on Phantom's shoulder when she's in her small form
• Please, Don't Leave Me: This is her initial reaction when anybody ends up having to leave her for a brief period, whatever the reason may be, as she's afraid that they'll disappear and never come back like her mother did. She grows out of it as she matures.
• Protectorate: She's Phantom's and he'll do almost anything to keep her safe.
• Pure Is Not Good: Aria is considered to be a very pure girl, but at the same time this leads to being very naive and also easy to manipulate. Her innocence often leads to her getting herself into trouble, although she's quick to learn that she should try to look beneath the surface when dealing with people.
• Sizeshifter: All the fae have the ability to change into a smaller form that allows them to conserve some more energy. She can also use it to sneak around if she wants to.
• Shipper on Deck: If she finds any sort of chemistry between people, she'll ship it.
• Super Mode: Unlocking her full power makes her far more powerful than anyone else
• Support Party Member: What her role in battles is, as she's unable to fight by herself.
• Took a Level in Badass: Aria becomes progressively more capable as the story goes, going from a mere child who needs to be protected to an invaluable ally.
• Wise Beyond Their Years: While Aria is not very knowledgeable about most things, she's able to easily understand complex matters and is very good at understanding people, far more than one would expect a child to. Her knowledge of medicine can also rival that of many profesisonals in the field it being some of the things that she was taught by the other fae before having most of her memories erased that stuck.
• You Gotta Have Blue Hair: Literally in her case.

edited 22nd Feb '16 5:33:34 AM by FullMoon

It's obvious you've put in quite a lot of a effort to your character, considering that you even named the attacks she have. Her personality seems generic, like many Token Mini-Moe child characters that I've seen in anime. Most of the time they act as adorable as possible, making the other characters feel protective of her. They tend to be kind and supportive to the other characters when they are in feeling down or injured, and are usually partnered with a character that acts like an older sibling. Ever heard of the phrase, "Every Badass has a Loli", where a Badass has a child(mostly female) following them around to endear ourselves to them. Depending on how you handle her, she may just end up as a superfluous character with her only function being a device to develop the plot or other characters. To avoid this, actually give her a role and allow her to contribute beyond support, a medical kit or a teddy bear for the characters to use for comfort themselves, since she is suppose to be the Deuteragonist. Show the story from her POV from time to time, and allow her to solve issues by herself. If you already intend to do so, then you are set.

I knew there would be concerns over her being the typical little girl character, but yes, Aria will have her own opportunities to shine through the story as more than just a tagalong kid, even if she's still in a mainly non-fighting role (her sizeshifting power for instance allows her to sneak around with ease and often allows her to eavesdrop on conversations and the like which helps the heroes gather important information at times) and there will be situations where she is left by herself to find a way out of a bad situation.

She will contribute to the development of the other characters just as much as they'll contribute to hers and she does get her opportunities to save the day fairly often, so I don't think she'll be a superfluous character as she contributes to the action just as much as all the other heroes

(Outdated and embarrassing.)

edited 26th Jan '17 6:21:57 PM by n341100

Shoo her in, Effie darling, shoo her in.

These days I don't really understand what people mean by "Casanova". I think there's a negative implication to it, but... why? What makes him so bad? If it's the "sexual predator" or "throwing women away" thing, what makes him immoral compared to the Chivalrous Pervert or Ethical Slut?

edited 23rd Feb '16 8:12:22 PM by hellomoto

(I already put up this character's villain in the Villain Critique Thread on page 36. It's much more interesting than this.)

Name: Cait

Age: Haven't really put much thought into it. Early 20s

Personality: Wants to be something more than a weaponsmith. Has kind of an Audience Surrogate feel until the end, but that's the point of her theme. Intrepid, and very idealistic, though unlike most characters of her type, understands why people (and I mean, like almost everyone) don't share the sentiment. Also willing to kill people, knowing that's part of the job, though she'll avoid it, unless she sees them as irredeemable. Starts off eager to be something else, but that will quickly change into treating her post as The Hero as an actual responsibility after witnessing the horrors that the world hides.

Abilities: At first? Not much, other than some skill at repairing weapons, the common sense not to get herself into a trap, and being the only one who doesn't have a lot of emotional baggage/psychopathic tendencies in the group. Has skill with a crossbow and eventually swordfighting, but that's late in.

Weaknesses: Her lack of skill in the beginning, which requires everyone else to keep her from dying, something she's kind of peeved about

Goals: "To slay the Black King", whoever that is. It's Medraut, one of her later allies

Motivation: Because Destiny Says So/Actually doing something that matters for once

Role in the Story: The Hero. Well, and the leader.

Backstory: Not much, and this is kind of why she's the hero, because all of her allies either have a Dark and Troubled Past or Lack of Empathy.

Relevant Tropes: Gadgeteer Genius, Wrench Wench, Unlikely Hero, The Chosen One Well, horribly deconstructed, due to the The Chooser of the One. Which ironically means her true goal is to refuse the call AFTER she's already answered it. In other words, she's The Chosen One, trying to become The Unchosen One. Oh, and Spanner in the Works, Heroic Sacrifice, Fate Worse than Death, Screw Destiny, You Can't Fight Fate

edited 25th Feb '16 9:58:42 PM by SephirotAero

You certainly didn't give many details about Cait, making it difficult for me to actually make a good judgement on her. Even you said her personality is generic, so I really can't say anything else. Her lack of abilities usually makes it difficult for the casual readers to like her, since they usually want a more capable protagonist, not The Load. Pretty much the only thing unique is the fact that she is a blacksmith, a role the main character is not usually in.

Now, for a member of the denary.

Name: Jaye Oliver Geoffrey

Age: 28

Appearance: Jaye has a really effeminate appearance, to the point he can pass for a woman if he wants to. He has a slender built, which adds to his feminine appearance, and he is short for his age. He has wavy blond hair that reaches his neck and brown eyes.

Personality: He has probably the nicest guy anyone has ever seen, He is friendly to everyone and anyone, even if you are pointing a weapon at him. He is amicable and good-willed, and even people trying to kill him would probably feel bad about having to do it. He can't throw a punch, and due to being a pacifist, won't throw one to save his life. He prefers talking his way out of problems and solving issues peacefully. He would be calm and smiling in almost all situations. Being one of the denary, he is not naive in the slightest, perfectly willing to execute deadly plans with precision. He often give advice to those who are troubled, and any concern he shows are genuine. He is an empath, so he is naturally sensitive to the pain and suffering of others, and would never inflict such on others. He is naturally buddies with Zathos and Lyfa, and friends to Hideaki and his companions.

Abilities: Despite his nature, he is not naive in the slightest, and is aware of the twisted nature of some people. He is extremely perceptive to the thinking of others, which makes him a extremely good speaker. His is an expert in diplomacy, handling negotiations and communications. He has a golden tongue, capable of convincing his opponent to believe what he wants, and is aware on how to provoke certain responses. He can speak 23 languages and 11 dialects, knowledgeable of the culture and history of other countries. He is a natural seducer, skilled in convincing women to do what he wants. He can also crossdress, which combined with his naturally feminine appearance and his large vocal range, allows him seduce men as well. He has basic knowledge in warfare, but usually he won't use them.

Weakness: Being an actual pacifist, he has zero fighting capabilities, and can't defend himself if the other party is dead-set on killing him. Personality wise, he is quite reckless, considering his job is to go into enemy territory and talk with them, and he will do so even if he is aware that the other party would probably kill him immediately,

Goals: Stop all wars on the continent.

Motivations: He is a pacifist, thus would naturally not want conflict.

Role in story: He is the first of the denary that meets with Hideaki, serving as his adviser in both politics and life.

Backstory: He doesn't have a long backstory like my other characters. He was born in a normal village at the countryside, having many friends due to his personality, and would have lived a normal life. While he lived far from the plague, the war between the cult and the church eventually affected his village, with it being pillaged for food. He is the only survivor, and would have committed suicide of not for Alden.

Relevant Tropes:

Verbal Judo: His greatest strength/

Badass Pacifist: Capable of convincing even the most brutal of tyrants during negotiations.

In Touch with His Feminine Side: The only thing that makes him a man is the fact that he has a penis.

Agent Peacock: He has many ladies swooning after him.

Dude Looks Like a Lady: He only need to wear women clothes to pass of as one.

Disguised in Drag

Attractive Bent-Gender

Nice Guy: The nicest guy.

Big Brother Mentor: To almost everyone. Especially to Hideaki, where one of his brothers is the same age.

The Chessmaster: Par for the course.

Tranquil Fury: Even when pissed, he rarely loses control of his emotions.

Beware the Nice Ones: It is difficult, but pissing him off basically means you are going down.

I haven't popped up here for a while, so I guess I can offer several critiques...

4xFelix seems to really, really hate himself, and the universe in general seems to really hate him as well. Apart from his age, he reads like rather typical Hard Boiled Detective, though that's not necessarily bad. You say he's 26, but he reads like he's in his late thirties, which may be justified, but can be a tad jarring. He has a lot of unsympathetic qualities and some of his pride-caused actions may make the reader face-palm (such as situation with the hospital) and make Felix look like a primadonna, so I suppose the narrative could probably highlight his positive qualities, such as the heart under the jerkass.

I have to agree with Ikedatakeshi on this one, she's very underdeveloped and there's not much in her to catch audience's attention. I understand she's supposed to be Audience Surrogate, but you seem to be pushing it to the point where it starts to look like it'll be detrimental to the story.

Jaye looks... really likeable, if not Adorkable, in this "Brilliant Nice Guy" way. I'm not certain if that was the desired effect, but I wouldn't count it against him. Having no combat abilities puts him a bit at odds with all I've read about this story so far, which provides quite a contrast to the rest of the cast, but fits in with his "theme", so to speak, of being a badass in very different way. The attempted suicide hints at Hidden Depths that seem like they'd be interesting to be explored.

---

So recently I've been thinking up a short story and I've got the main character here. The idea no 1 behind it is that there's a Mass Empowering Event in our world giving some 0,1% (I'm still figuring out the numbers) of humans superpowers. The idea no 2 is that I've noticed most of military top brass in superhero stories are General Rippers^note Maybe they aren't, but that was the feeling I got, so I wanted to try a reverse.

• Name: general Eilin Hauser
• Age: 47
• Appearance: Hauser is a large, well-built man, though his age rather starts to show in that he's certainly not as fit as his younger subordinates. He has brown, though slowly graying hair with military cut, and blue eyes. He smiles a lot, and has some wrinkles from that.
• Personality: Hauser is rather calm, not very prone to sudden outbursts or mood swings, and is rather collected and reasonable, preferring to think before taking action. This being said, he likes to chat and laugh and has very amiable relationship with pretty much everyone who knows him. While he doesn't let things slip into complete chaos, he's not very strict with his subordinates, leaning a bit on the side of Mildly Military. He's often accused of lack of imagination and following "traditional" way of doing things too much - which isn't false. He's firmly grounded in reality and doesn't take very well to inexplicable, even - or rather especially - when he himself manifests it, and he has problems adjusting to sudden changes, such as the Nightwave.
• Abilities: The Nightwave gives Hauser what at first seems like ability to send "ripples" of extreme heat and light from his hands. Eventually, it turns out that those ripples are actually portals, which, without him consciously deciding where to go, zero on solar system's gravity centre, which happens to be the sun. Eventually, he learns both how to make the ripples point somewhere else than the sun and to stabilize them, turning Power of the Sun into Thinking Up Portals.
  • He gets a bunch of Required Secondary Powers to help him with teleportation and when it goes awry, including eidetic memory, extreme heat resistance, much quicker-adjusting eyesight, tougher skin and ability to go without air for hours on end. He's also a US Army general with good deal of influence in Pentagon and both combat and office politics experience.
• Weaknesses: He has troubles adjusting to the new situation Nightwave puts the world in and doesn't take well to his new powers, hiding them for a long time from sheer fear of them, which means he takes a long while to fully figure them out. Additionally, his powers automatically default to the sun and weaken to ripples when he's under a lot of stress or can't focus properly, and he has to have a good image of the place he wants to open a portal to in his head for it to work properly.
• Role in the story: Protagonist and Reasonable Authority Figure to "nightwavers" within US military.
• Backstory: Not all that much. He was born into military family and followed in his father's and grandfather's footsteps, finishing West Point with average scores. He's a veteran of Gulf War and Afghanistan, and fifteen years ago married his commanding officer's daughter, Chris. Recently he's been working in Pentagon, with fairly decent chances of getting into Joint Chiefs of Staff in not too distant future.
• Relevant tropes:
  • Batman Can Breathe in Space: He discovers he can go for hours without air when he accidentally teleports himself into orbit. His skin is also tough enough he won't burst from pressure.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: General opinion about him is that he's not the sharpest tool in the box, but decent and competent, so when he goes ballistic and delivers "Reason You Suck" Speech on US top officials for their plans regarding "nightwavers", the reaction is pretty much a mass Jaw Drop.
  • Deadpan Snarker: While his first reaction to his powers is rather panicky, it slowly morphs into this with time.
  • Embarrassing First Name: Considers "Eilin" to be this, as it's female name, and often jokes that him and Chris should switch names - which wouldn't help much, because her full name is Christmas.
  • Four-Star Badass: Frighteningly effective once he manages to take his teleportation power under control and stop fearing it.
  • Freak Out: After his "Reason You Suck" Speech is quickly followed by him having his first supervillain fight and consequently publicly outing himself as a nightwaver, he has several hours of absolute panic attack. Comes back stronger from this, finally coming to terms with his powers.
  • Happily Married: With Chris.
  • How Do I Shot Web?: First time he uses his powers, he sets his kitchen on fire. It takes a few weeks to make them work in any reliable way.
  • Mundane Utility: Utilizes the ripples for most mundane purposes, such as flashlight (opening a ripple into dayside of earth) or to skip traffic, when training to use them.
  • Playing with Fire: What he at first thinks his powers are.
  • Rage Breaking Point: He's forced to sit on a meeting where people around him are considering locking up the nightwavers and experimenting upon them like some mad scientist-inclined Guantanamo. When he realizes that they're talking seriously, he breaks.
  • Rank Up: Ends up in Joint Chiefs of Staff as Chief of Nightwaver Corps.
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: Becomes this to military nightwavers.
  • "Reason You Suck" Speech: Gives one on a secret meeting, regarding everyone present's attitude towards nightwavers.
  • Super Team: Ends up forming nightwavers branch of US Military.
  • Thinking Up Portals: His main power.
  • The Reliable One: His reputation in Pentagon.
  • Weirdness Magnet: When he involuntarily outs himself as nightwaver on public TV and in front dozens of witnesses, nightwavers from all US military branches start to flock to him.

edited 25th Feb '16 11:13:30 AM by Kakai

Rejoice!

I've changed some of it now. I was going to write another character from that same story I was working on, but then my computer crashed, and now I don't really have time.