TVTropes Now available in the app store!
Open

Follow TV Tropes

Following

Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!)

Go To

Ikedatakeshi Baby dango from singapore Since: Nov, 2015 Relationship Status: Singularity
Baby dango
#776: Jan 12th 2016 at 8:22:41 AM

Finally sorted out their abilities. Decided to switch out the peacock for the eagle. The eagle is the general, is the strongest fighter in my story and natural leader. The falcon is also a general, but is more of a tactician. The hawk is the strategist, with foresight and Awesomeness by Analysis. The pelican is the naval expert. The magpie is the manipulator, using many gambits to get what he wants, and is the one with the least loyalty. The heron is The Good Chancellor, ensuring the stability of the kingdom. The blue jay is the diplomat, capable in Verbal Judo. The vulture is the saboteur, convincing people to betray others and setting people against each other, weakening them for the kill. The owl acts as The Man Behind the Man, manipulating others in the shadows. The crow is in psychological warfare, resorting to unorthodox strategies instead of direct engagement.

Voltech44 The Electric Eccentric from The Smash Ultimate Salt Mines Since: Jul, 2010 Relationship Status: Forming Voltron
The Electric Eccentric
#777: Jan 12th 2016 at 11:27:06 PM

Late to the show, but ready to go! Which is to say, my power went out and I pretty much had to sit around twiddling my thumbs. Boy, I could sure use some electricity powers.

But enough of that. Let’s get started with Kakai’s Patahawanka.

It’s pretty obvious, but you’ve got an interesting character here. Gods playing an active role (in a sense) isn’t exactly super-common, so you putting one on display here tells me that your story’s got lots of potential. You say you’re worried about him being OP, but it seems like you’ve got some safeguards in place; it’d be a problem if he was the dedicated main character, probably, but if he’s more or less confined to the tiniest flexes of his proverbial muscles, you’ll probably be okay.

Strange that a god would care so much about affairs of others, but I’m not complaining. It helps give him a character and a purpose, and he’s a lot easier to understand even if he is some nigh-incomprehensible bird-thing. I’d even go so far to say that — based on this description — he’s actually likable. Respectable. Maybe even charismatic; he’s got an edge to him, for sure, but he’s more than just a big ball of phenomenal cosmic power. That’s cool.

There is one thing that raised my interest, though. You say that Patahawanka can only “talk” to others via visions and such. Neat idea, for sure, albeit one that can go awry. If people receive visions from the bird god, then I wonder if those visions are 100% clear. That is, if there’s room for interpretation or debate; two different people could see the same vision, but come to entirely different conclusions. It’s like how some people see a rabbit, and some people see a duck, you know? And given how the particulars of the god are pretty unclear, it’s something you could play around with. You already seem to be on that track anyway, so I wonder what sort of extremes you could take that to.

Then again, reading about it gave me flashbacks to Final Fantasy XIII, which also had gods that only communicated with people through visions — and was poorer for it. So get the most out of your tool set, and you’re good to go.

And now, Blak Basket's Satoshi.

Gotta be honest: at first I wasn’t 100% clear why people would bully/make fun of Satoshi for being so into reading about mythology and such. It seems like it’s not worth getting worked up over — and everyone needs a hobby. But if he’s actively being weird or obsessive about it, AND people can link it back to him trying to revive his sister…well, it makes much more sense. Especially if people already think he’s obsessed with her.

As a character, I kind of like Satoshi. That could just be my personal preference — some people might call him “wimpy” or something, however undeservedly — but there’s a lot of room for a reserved and intelligent character to grow. Will he become bolder? Will he become stronger? Will he become darker, meaner, fiercer, colder? Lots of ways to take him, and (assuming your execution’s on point) there’s no wrong way to do it. I also think it’s interesting that he cares so much about his family, his sister in particular. Coming to terms with his feelings for her — whatever those “feelings” may entail — could make for a big payoff.

My gut instinct is that Satoshi the so-called bookworm shouldn’t be a Knife Nut, since that tends to bring up a different image for me. On the other hand, it all depends on how Satoshi USES the knives. Okay, so he can throw a bunch of them, and generate them as needed. That’s cool and all, but there’s more to it than that, right? His fighting style should be able to say something about — if not carry the essence of — his personality.

So maybe a flechette storm is just one of his go-to moves. Maybe he’s the type to generate knives on the ground, and make traps to cripple the baddies. Maybe he’s smart enough to predict where enemies will go, and throws the knife exactly where they’ll be. Maybe he aims specifically for weak points, which would be justified by all his research. Or if you’re feeling gutsy, you could have the knives ricochet off walls (or even other knives!) to find a target. Sky’s the limit here.

But whatever the case, this was a good showing. Good luck on your end.

edited 12th Jan '16 11:28:39 PM by Voltech44

My Wattpad — A haven for delightful degeneracy
Kakai from somewhere in Europe Since: Aug, 2013
#778: Jan 13th 2016 at 2:51:50 PM

[up]Thank you! That's real fine quality critique (I believe I've already said that, but it needs repeating). Patahawanka is, I suppose, a somewhat active player, so it's good he is what I wanted him to be.

Regarding the visions: they're connected to Bird God's ability to sense Beneath activity and be in many places at once. Basically, if Patahawanka wants to notify Largo of a dark ritual going on, he sends him a "live feed" of the event, albeit as it is "seen" by god's senses, which Largo's mind can interpret as strange visuals, Ominous Latin Chanting, feeling of suffocation and the like. Those visions can be unclear, but keep in mind Largo's been a sorcerer for over a decade now and he has a fairly good idea how to interpret them.

The other type of vision is a visit to Shrike's trippy Above region, where part of the god can be seen and where Largo and Patahawanka have their Snark contests and therapy sessions. This is where Bird God gets to show his astonishing range of expressions.

The third are glimpses of the future. They're rather wonky, because the Bird God doesn't actually see the future and tries to turn his predictions and suppositions into something comprehensible by men. The result looks like death metal band designing a teledisc while on acid and is, indeed, easy to misinterpret, which is why Largo is content with treating them simply as "something bad is afoot" warnings (not always correct).

The last are daydreams, which range from pareidolia to "mishearing" sounds. They're the easiest to miss, as Largo isn't always sure if the Bird God has truly sent him something or if he's just seeing stuff.

So there it is, I've written an essay on what's a marginal issue to all but me evil grin Anyway, I've got one more character for this story, but that's for tomorrow. Thank you again for your critique.

Rejoice!
Swordofknowledge Spreading literacy with book and blade from I like it here... Since: Aug, 2012 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Spreading literacy with book and blade
#779: Jan 13th 2016 at 9:55:35 PM

@ Kakai There seems to be a trend with posting deities and spirits here recently, lol. I always find it interesting when one creates a divine character, what with gods and goddesses inherently so far above mortals that their characterizations are all over the place. The Bird God (I apologize, but his name is a little much for me to type over and over), is a pretty good representation of one. An ancient and powerful being who makes no bones about using his followers but has compassion for them seems pretty much what one would expect a deity to do. I find it interesting that he doesn't have the "infinite patience" aspect—-since he seems to have zero tolerance for whining and the like. While not strictly part of his character, I find your whole cosmology with the "First Men" and "Second Men" and the realms very interesting and well-thought out.


@ Voltech44: I like the idea of a character who plays The Long Game in order to get revenge. Julia is interesting, because usually with her appearance, you'd expect an individual like that to be a raging, berserker or at least a little bit on the "wild" side. Her surname fits her extremely well. It sounds like an intriuging story, what with the whole blending into the Big Bad's army to gain better access to get her revenge and the dynamic with having to be "evil but not too evil" in order to make her scheme work.


Another character from the still-unnamed "Golden Sword story" In case anyone wants a reminder 

  • Name: Hope Landry

  • Age: 17

  • Appearance: Standing at 5'1, Hope is short for his age, and possesses a slender build. He has pale skin, short-cut white hair, narrow reddish-brown eyes, and a dusting of freckles across his nose. Hope's usual attire consists of high-collared black tunics and pants, and a short brown leather jacket and boots. The jacket bears House Landry's crest on its back. A small scabbard for his dagger and two storage packs are strung along the right side of his belt. He later trades these clothes in for a suit of light silver armor, a modified version of the uniform worn by the White branch of the Crusader Order.

  • Personality: Hope is reserved, polite and somewhat shy—a temperament crafted through years of etiquette training. He is riddled with insecurities about everything from his appearance and personal grooming, to his skills and intelligence. Because of this lack of self-esteem, he relies heavily on his mother Marlene for emotional support and guidance. In many ways he thinks of her as the decider of his actions and life, and rarely thinks of questioning her. Hope was raised from an early age to accept that he would eventually become the Golden Sword’s host, and a savior to the people of the domes. He initially feels very little fear or sadness at the thought of being consumed by the weapon—something others find quite eerie. Hope has very few ambitions and simply lives his life day to day, pursuing whatever interests him at the moment. After being violently torn from his sheltered existence and then rescued by Marian, the Maid of the Underground, Hope changed for the better. Through his friendship with her, and the members of Black Knight Team 24 he slowly grows into a confident and mature young man assured of who he is and what he wants from the world.

  • Abilities: Hope possesses incredible natural agility, speed and reflexes. This allows him to evade most heavy blows directed at him and counterattack before his opponent can react. He is quite efficient with knives, and specializes in close quarters combat. Hope's primary weapon is the single magic spell that he learned while in captivity—-"Expulsion". This spell allows Hope to blast his opponents away from him at high speeds, and can be directed at himself on "low power" to boost his dodging ability. Hope is actually quite a good conversationalist and knows how to stall for time by keeping people engaged. As a male member of the Landry family, Hope has the potential to synchronize with the Golden Sword and become the Hero—a superhuman being with nearly unlimited physical strength and destructive otherworldly powers to rival even the strongest known mages.

  • Weaknesses: Apart from his daggers and magic, Hope has no idea how to fight, and is especially bad with firearms. Fast as he is, the sedentary lifestyle of a pampered noble has left him with little endurance for sustained combat. Furthermore, any attack that does hit him will keep him down for a while due to a low tolerance for pain. Hope suffers from terrible anxiety and self-confidence issues, and he is sometimes paralyzed by fear that whatever action he takes will not be the right one. Being away from Marlene worsens this, since he has always relied on his mother to provide counsel and advice. On the other hand, once reunited with Marlene, he finds it difficult to stand against her, even when he doubts or even outright disagrees with her goals and viewpoints. If he synchronizes with the Sword, it will devour his mind and memories and replace his personality with a relentless drive to kill the Deep God and Pariahs, while demonstrating an eerie, placating calmness to all others. Then it will destroy his body once his purpose is completed.

  • Goals: Initially Hope simply wanted to aid his mother's plan to defeat the Pariahs and their leader the Deep God and to live his life without conflict until it was time for him to be sacrificed. However he slowly begins to believe in, and support Glenn Waldron's ambition of defeating mortal-kind’s enemies once and for all, without the aid of the Golden Sword, thereby freeing the populace from the Pariahs...as well as the Sword and its servants.

  • Motivations: Hope was raised to view himself as more of a "piece" in Marlene's plan than an individual. Meeting Marian and making other friends outside the small bubble of his previous life made him value himself far more than he did before. After the final confrontation with Marlene, Hope holds himself responsible for her horrific death, and wants to atone by destroying the Pariahs forever—honoring the basic aspects of his mother's wish.

  • Role in the Story: One of the main characters. The Chosen One...at least at first. In a meta sense, he's an exploration of the Heir Club for Men trope and how its application hurts the male member of the equation.

  • Backstory:

Hope was born to Ser Marlene Landry, the ruling Guardian-Knight of the Crusader Order that manages the domes. He never knew his father, since the man was a minor noble, only briefly married to Marlene in order to produce a male heir and give an impression of legitimacy and respectability to the arrangement. Hope's education began from the time he could understand the spoken word. His tutors instructed him in the history of the domes all the way to the First Incursion, the disaster that had driven mortals into hiding in the first place. Furthermore, he was given rigorous teaching in etiquette and proper speech.

The lessons were difficult and the instructors chosen for him were strict and uncompromising, doling out harsh punishments for failure. But Hope's education centered on the Golden Sword and its relation to House Landry. Marlene would tell Hope the tales of the Heroes who had sacrificed themselves to drive back the Pariah Incursions and of their place of honor among the people. Furthermore, his mother made it clear that not only would Hope follow in their footsteps but that she would make sure he was the greatest Hero of all—the one who would end the cycle forever.

Despite Hope's delight at being chosen for the sacred task, Marlene was quick to point out the ways in which he was still flawed and unsuited for it, using the multiple failures during his lessons as one of many aspects she found lacking. The shame and fear of being unworthy of being a Hero began to dominate every aspect of his life and Hope often found it easier to just let Marlene guide him through life without questions. Once the lessons were complete, Hope passed his days in peaceful seclusion, kept from the world outside of Six Towers.

Hope was only allowed brief interactions with the children of visiting dignitaries. These encounters provided Hope with slight glimpses into the outside, and though he heard tales of the harshness and sometimes outright cruelty of his mother's administration, he never really gave them much thought. He had his mission and that was the highlight of his life.

Until he was kidnapped.

  • Relevant Tropes:

  • Abusive Parents: Marlene molded him into a willing human sacrifice through a lifetime of manipulations, some subtle and some so obvious that those Hope tells his story to are taken aback. She kept him virtually isolated and tore down his confidence again and again to make him easier to control and emotionally dependent on her. Worst of all, Marlene felt very little love for Hope; her concern for him was solely based on his usefulness to her plan. When he destroys the Golden Sword, she immediately tries to kill him in rage and he is forced to use his magic on her just to stay alive.

  • Action Survivor: Hope had never seen combat before being kidnapped by the Children of Outer World. However he had read a great deal about various fighting techniques and seen his fair share of tournaments and tests of physical strength. That, combined with accidentally learning magic while at their base, helped him hold his own when Marian rescued him from the cultists.

  • Antagonistic Offspring: Played with. Throughout the course of the civil war between the Black Knights and the rest of the Crusader Order, Hope slowly begins to realize that his mother is a flawed, fanatical and perhaps cruel human being. However he still loves her and gives his aid to her cause when recaptured by the Order. However, once he realizes that she has been using him and never really cared for him, he flies into a rage and verbally blasts her for it, while ruining her plans. After she becomes a Pariah and he aids in killing her, he feels a deep sense of guilt and remorse and blames her death on himself.

  • Big Fancy Castle: Hope grew up within the massive and ancient estate of Six Towers. It was his whole world and he mentions that there are still places within it that he hasn't explored.

  • Bleed 'Em and Weep: During his escape, Hope is forced to fight off the Children of the Outer World, eventually leading to him violently stabbing one of their members in the throat. He manages to keep it together until he and Marian are out into the Free Underground...whereupon he is violently sick and loses the ability to even stand upright as he processes the thought that he just ended the life of another thinking creature.

  • Blind Obedience: Marlene spent 17 years manipulating and tinkering with his psyche in order to achieve this, though the results were mixed. While Hope was extremely susceptible to his mother's commands, he did not agree with her in everything, and did question her more than she liked. This trait strengthened during his absence, creating a sort of My Master, Right or Wrong attitude before stabilizing into genuine independence.

  • Blow You Away: The Expulsion spell sends a single target flying backwards a standard distance of five feet, sometimes enough to knock them down while doing so. However if Hope really concentrates, or is simply in an emotionally charged mood, the damage and range of the throw zone will be far greater.

  • Blue Blood: The Landry family is descended from Samuel Landry, the man who first discovered the Golden Sword. He is also the first known person sacrificed to it, as he used its powers to stall the Pariahs long enough for the domes to be constructed. Only men who share his blood are capable of using the Sword.

  • Cannot Spit It Out: Hope spends most of the story struggling with how to tell Marian how he feels about her—namely that she is his first friend and he thinks of her almost like an older sister. He often ponders how he should phrase it, and actually spends some time stalking members of BK Team 24 to observe their interactions and create a template to go on. Justified since he was raised in near-isolation with only servants, staff and the occasional brief meetings with people his own age. He eventually does express his gratitude to Marian for all she's done for him, in an effort to snap her out of her Heroic BSoD at finding out her origins, and it works at least temporarily.

  • Conflicting Loyalty:

    • Between the Black Knights and everything he has been taught. He has trouble believing that a group of the Order's finest warriors could all be crazy, but their plans are both insane and heretical to people who nearly worship the Golden Sword and its Heroes.

    • Between his mother and Marian. When Marlene tells him to become the Golden Sword's host and kill Marian, and that he can kill the Deep God by doing so because she is a sentient fragment of the creature in human form, he actually almost does it. However he smashes the Sword into the wall above Marian's head, destroying it in its fragile between-hosts state. He later explains that it was a combination of realizing his mother didn't care about him, Marian's obvious emotional pain, and the impatient hunger he could sense from the Sword that swayed his mind.

  • Detect Evil: While Hope has only one spell in his arsenal, so to speak, he begins receiving magic training during his time with the Knights. While too early in training to use more magic, be learned how to "read" enchanted objects. When holding the Golden Sword he sensed impatience at his indecision, blinding hatred, and a deep hunger for his essence rather than any real desire to hi mortal-kind.

  • Fragile Speedster: Hope can move quite fast and can deliver a series of deadly slashes and stabs with his knives and usually dart away before his opponent can counterattack. Usually. If he does get hit, chances are he's going down for the count.

  • Instant Sedation: How Hope was kidnapped. A servant paid by the Children of the Outer World poisoned his before-bed tea, causing him to pass out nearly the moment he realized it had an odd taste.

  • Living MacGuffin: Hope is sought after by all three out of the four major factions of the conflict. The Crusader Order lead by Marlene wants him back, as her plans are meaningless without him, the Children of the Outer World wish to kill him in order to cancel any threat to the Deep God. While the Black Knights at first don't think twice about him when he winds up in their custody they later need his backing as a Guardian-Knight heir when circumstances force them to secede from the Order and fight to bring down its leadership.

  • King Incognito: How he met the Black Knights. After Marian's...performance against the Pariahs invading the city of Murok during the 23rd Incursion, melting into the stream of refugees was impossible. So Marian claimed Hope was her assistant, and when she was forcibly recruited into the Knights, he followed and became a servant boy of sorts.

  • My Master, Right or Wrong: More like "My Mother Right Or Wrong", but the same sentiment. After seeing how brutally the Order punishes those they suspect of being Deep God worshipers and their willingness to let large numbers of people die to protect their secrets, Hope still sides with Marlene for a time...even when she reveals that her plan to kill the Deep God requires him to murder his first and closest friend. While it may seem like a step backwards, the fact that Hope acknowledges his mother's failings and unpleasantness represents a growing ability to think for himself, even if he decided to aid her anyway.

  • Nervous Wreck: Hope comes off like this; he makes eye-contact but it is clearly a strain, and while he can easily carry on sustained conversations, he sweats and shakes slightly while doing so. His isolation is again a factor, but it is worsened by his feelings of inadequacy and fear of messing up. He gets better as time goes on.

  • Odd Friendship: Hope and Marian's relationship is odd, even on the surface. A naive, sheltered noble boy and a street-smart and sometimes cannibalistic courier, and yet they make it work. Their relationship is even weirder when its revealed that Marian is a fragment of the Deep God with a will of its own and Hope is the scion of a family that opposes the entity with its every breath.

    • His friendship with Team 2 is this as well. They are hardened warriors all, grunts who fight the Pariahs outside the domes and try to keep Union Projects from forming. As the son of the Order's leader, he is the last person they would expect to meet in their all-too-short lifetimes. Yet they take a liking to him when he acts as a serving boy in their barracks, and by the time Hope's real identity is revealed, little has changed.

  • You're Insane!: He says this word-for-word when Glenn Waldron reveals his ambition to destroy the Pariahs once and for all without using the Golden Sword to do so. It's a knee-jerk reaction considering the state of the world, and his upbringing, but it drives Glenn calmly retort that putting mortal-kind's fate on an ancient magical artifact that no one knows anything about is just as crazy.

edited 14th Jan '16 4:09:50 AM by Swordofknowledge

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake. — Edgar Walllace
Ikedatakeshi Baby dango from singapore Since: Nov, 2015 Relationship Status: Singularity
Baby dango
#780: Jan 14th 2016 at 4:43:55 AM

[up]Not the most subtle of names, but then again I named a character associated with dragons Drake, so I'm no one to judge. If he only needed to act as a vessel for the sword(his mind becomes a non-factor since its swallowed when he is synchronized), then what is the point in training his etiquette. Just keep him locked somewhere secure till the time comes for synchronization with the sword, which is supposed to fill him with the desire to kill the Pariahs. Heck, by allowing him to walk freely is the reason he can get kidnapped in the first place. If he dies once he defeats the Pariahs, then he is the equivalent of a sacrifice. Unless his free will is needed for the bonding, there is no reason to show any care for his mental well being if its going to be taken away. If it does, just do brainwashing and only that, which worked out fine for Ghetis in Pokemon Black and White, who was kept as a Manchild. Before you say that Marlene tried, she gave him harsh training that harmed his self-esteem, instead of turning him into a self-righteous Knight Templar by constantly drilling the righteousness of the heroes and constantly praising him to boost his ego. Social etiquette and proper speech is useless for someone that is basically a living nuke. Unless he is supposed to make appearances in public where he has to appear normal to the populace to give them an image of a hero to inspire hope for them, but that can easily be achieved by giving him a body double and keeping the only means of defense against the Pariahs locked away. Heck, do this once he is born, so that everybody will think the double is the hero and target him instead.

If you already thought about the above, then ignore this.

edited 14th Jan '16 4:50:22 AM by Ikedatakeshi

Kakai from somewhere in Europe Since: Aug, 2013
#781: Jan 14th 2016 at 1:46:27 PM

[up][up]Thank you! As for your character - I've been curious about Hope ever since seeing Marlene, and he doesn't disappoint. First thing I've noticed is that his appearance both before and after his character development really seems to match his personality. I'm not quite sure why, but when I imagined him from your description, his personality seemed to be in perfect synch with the image. Congrats on that. Apart from this: his character does match somebody raised by a person like Marlene, and while a "sheltered princess in a tower" is a well-trodden motif (can't find the trope now), you gave a pretty unique spin to it. With this character and backstory, the spoilered out thing under Conflicting Loyalties looks like a helluva powerful moment.

For nitpicks, I'm not sure if he can pull off King Incognito - while I understand he's sheltered, his family looks to be extremely public, so Knights at the very least should recognize him. I also kinda agree with what Ikedatakeshi has written above, but I suppose it may come from Marlene's personality rather than "sensible" thinking.


Anyway, I'd have another character, but the computer ate my post, so that'll come in a few hours.

Rejoice!
Kakai from somewhere in Europe Since: Aug, 2013
#782: Jan 15th 2016 at 10:24:47 AM

And there it is, a bit more than a "few" hours later, but one more character. Lo and behold, for I had a lot of time and this is massive.

A worldbuilding note at first - among the Five Gods, Inandin is the Black Sheep. After the Sixth Divinenote  got killed by the First Men, Inandin went insane and descended into the Beneath to murderkill as many Ones Beneath as he can. He hasn't been seen since. He still giver people powers, but Inandiloi are... unliked, for reasons that should become apparent.

  • Name: Massim Sentiero
  • Age: 26
  • Appearance: Massim is tall and muscular, with pale skin and unwashed, chin-long black hair hanging in strands. He has sunken, blood-red eyes and a flurry of freckles he feels unfitting. His attire is a mishmash of everything he can get his hands on, including a dirty fake-army trousers, two heavy boots from different pairs, a tattered coat and an inexplicable, blood-stained police stab vest. He often glares at people.
  • Personality: "Thanks" to being Inandin's chosen, he's wracked by constant rage, boiling just under the surface and threatening to spill out at any moment. At his worst, he's incapable of thinking and gibbers, shivers and digs his fingers into his scalp in attempts to contain his battle frenzy. In combat, he reverts to most primal, fighting without any care for tactics, plan, his allies or his own survival and being virtually unable to differ between friend and foe. Apart from those periods, he clings to his sanity and tries to maintain iron self-discipline. He's quiet, dour and fatalistic, with an air of focused tension around him, akin to a compressed spring. While actually fairly intelligent, he doesn't have much ability to show it. He distrusts any authority, mortal or divine, and loathes the Ones Beneath with burning passion.
  • Abilities: As an Inandilos, he's virtually immune to pain, and has super-strength, Healing Factor and uncanny resilience, as well as highly heightened awareness of his surroundings. He can gain rudimentary skills at using any weapon by holding it for a few moments, but his real proficiency lies in his paired swords. Over time, he has learned a wide variety of survival skills and can cover his tracks fairly well when not gripped by frenzy. He also doesn't age or fall sick.
  • Weaknesses: The main one is the battle frenzy that always threatens to take over his mind, makes him an unreliable ally and is slowly driving him insane. When fighting, he doesn't follow orders, doesn't understand the concept of backing down and can strike out at anyone nearby. When trying to keep this in check, the heightened awareness doesn't help either. He's hostile to people trying to help him and his distrust of authority can, and does, cause problems.
  • Goal: To take his vengeance on the Ones Beneath and, perhaps, live for a bit longer.
  • Motivation: His utter hatred for them, coming from his backstory, as well as the compulsion to fight that Inandin put in his mind. His will to live is a form of defiance against what he's become.
  • Role in the story: Protagonist of between-chapters Interludes, then Sixth Ranger to the Guerras. Also a Living MacGuffin of sorts.
  • Backstory (mostly unmentioned, but there we go): Massim was born in the icelands up north in a nomadic clan of ren-herders, to a herder and a Graysmithnote , as an oldest of six. He had a fairly happy childhood and eventually left for the city-state of Fortalezza to study engineering. However, while not stupid, he was lazy, and when he failed the first year, he didn't want to start working to pay for repeating and returned home, to mild concern of his family. This would prove to be a bad thing when a few weeks later his clan was attacked by a mass of the Ones Beneath. Massim had his legs crushed by a ren corpse and could only watch as pretty much everyone he's known was ripped apart and eaten, ending with his Graysmith mother. Part furious, part terrified, he did the unthinkable and invoked Inandin in a last-ditch act of defiance. Long story short, Inandin answered. Afterwards, realizing that he's now a pariah and pushed by need to slaughter the Ones Beneath, Massim left civillization and has been slowly wandering southward for the last seven years.
  • Relevant Tropes:
    • Zero Percent Approval Rate: Inandiloi are shunned and outrighted arrested, because while they're extremely proficient in monster-slaying, they can be more deadly to people they're supposed to protect than they are helpful.
    • Absurdly Sharp Blade: His swords, thanks to being the channel for Inandin's magic. They can cut through stone, though it requires some effort on Massim's part.
    • Berserker: Blown Up To Eleven and despised by him. The so-called battle frenzy makes him feel nothing but hatred and need to kill, and can't be reasoned with when taken by it. It is accompanied by increase in power levels, though
    • Blessed with Suck: Super strong, durable and virtually ageless, but he can't live in regular society, is compelled to kill and doesn't expect to live past thirty.
    • Blood Knight: Played for drama - he's downright addicted to fighting.
    • Color Motif: Red and black.
    • Death Glare: Almost a Character Tic of his.
    • Defeat Means Friendship: Joins the Guerras after Tannya beats him unconscious to stop him. He grows to like her and Largo.
    • Destructive Saviour: He prefers to fight away from human settlements for this very reason.
    • Does Not Like Guns: He finds them impractical - not only is it hard for him to acquire ammunition, when battle frenzy takes him he's more likely to use them as blunt objects.
    • Doomed Hometown: His home clan.
    • Dual Wielding: Has a longer and shorter sword he uses together.
    • Early-Bird Cameo: First mention of him is in radio broadcast the Guerras hear while on the way to work, a while before he appears proper.
    • Foil: To Tannya. They're both Blood Knights invested by their gods and their job is slaying the Ones Beneath - they even have similar powerset - but while Tannya enjoys her job and has a healthy personal life to support her, Massim is a loner whose sanity is slowly slipping away from him and who's very fatalistic about his future.
    • Gone Horribly Right: How he sees his blessing by Inandin.
    • Healing Factor: If something doesn't kill him outright, he's likely to heal from it.
    • Hero with Bad Publicity: He kills Ones Beneath, but the public sees him as a rabid monster that has to be put down.
    • Hope Is Scary: Refuses to even entertain the possibility of one day regaining his freedom.
    • I Hate Past Me: He finds his old Brilliant, but Lazy tendencies to be annoying and believes he should've stayed in Fortalezza Uni.
    • Jerkass: Acts like this to Guerras to keep them at distance and because he doesn't trust them. He gets better once he starts to trust them a bit more.
    • Living MacGuffin: The gibbering he spouts on his worse days is a map of Beneath that Inandin has put in his head, which means his mind holds the directions to reaching the missing god.note 
    • Madness Mantra/Survival Mantra: Has dozens of those, and often murmurs them to stave off the frenzy.
    • Meaningful Name: Sentiero is Italian for "trail". See Living MacGuffin.
    • Older Than They Look: He still looks like he's twenty-one, and will until he dies.
    • One-Man Army: Against the ones beneath, but his powers diminish when fighting people.
    • O.O.C. Is Serious Business: Guerras take interest in him after they notice that despite several weeks having passed, an Inandilos the radio has warned against is still hiding - something his broken psyche shouldn't permit. They think he's a Man Beneath running an elaborate ruse, though.
    • Red Eyes, Take Warning: His red eyes mark him as servant of Inandin.
    • Suddenly Shouting: Happens when his self-control slips.
    • Super-Strength: Part of his Inandilos powers. Slightly better than Tannya's.
    • The Drifter: He can't stay anywhere for longer, so he wanders from place to place, killing monsters and leaving before manhunt for him can start in the earnest.
    • The Quiet One: He rarely speaks, and often growls rather than using words.
    • The Sixth Ranger: Not a member of the Executors, and joins the heroes partway through the story.
    • Walking the Earth: What he's been doing for the last seven years.
    • Your Days Are Numbered: He doesn't expect to live past thirty; as a matter of fact, surviving as an Inandilos for seven years already makes him a veteran by their standards.

edited 15th Jan '16 10:25:28 AM by Kakai

Rejoice!
Ikedatakeshi Baby dango from singapore Since: Nov, 2015 Relationship Status: Singularity
Baby dango
#783: Jan 16th 2016 at 12:59:14 AM

[up][up]Marlene sucks as a manipulator I suppose, or maybe I'm the psychopathic one.

[up]Wait, he is an Inandilos for seven years, meaning he was 19 years old when he became one, so why does he looks like 21? He seems to be the hulk of your universe, but if he refuses to regain his freedom, it will be difficult to give him Character Development, though not impossible. I can't say much about this, since I am not a professional.

Now I will show one of the denary.

Name: Conrad Gypes Geier

Age: 24

Appearance: In public, he wears a mask, fancy clothes and have well-kept black hair. In private, he takes off his mask, revealing a demonic and twisted looking face. His mouth was once sewed shut , leaving behind deep scars. His has sleep-depraved dark circles around his eyes and dry skin. His left cheek was burned along with his back and left arm. He has many scars from being whipped. He still possess his slave tattoo on his chest.

Personality: To the nobles, he acts like a polite gentlemen, with proper manners. Underneath this facade, he is an warped and twisted individual. Unlike what most think, he doesn't wear a mask to cover his scars, but to mock others. He is reflecting what he believes the other nobles around him are doing, wearing a "mask" to hide their true thoughts and lying through their teeth. He only acts as himself to those he believe are doing the same. He keeps the polite attitude, but is prone to insult, demean and undermine others whenever he can, outwardly mocking anyone he can, and is defiant towards authority. He also believes if someone does something good, they shouldn't be proud of themselves, but be critical on themselves for not doing more. To him, the latter is a truly good person that wants to do good, since he faults himself for not doing enough good. He lacks self-preservation, perfectly willing to die to prove his point, and when tortured, he laughs, especially to those who derive sadistic pleasure from torture, as an act of defiance.

Abilities: Being a member of the denary, he is more intelligent than most of the cast. He is extremely calculating and cunning, and is capable of improvising when he needs to. He is quite knowledgeable in psychology and people's weaknesses and motivations. He can quickly get under your skin and tempt you towards corruption and betraying others. He uses the mystery surrounding his identity to act secretly, and is able to convince others to work for him. He sets his enemies against each other, creating chaos to weaken them, before going for the kill.

Weakness: He is extremely reckless, not caring for danger towards himself, which can land him in deep trouble. His attitude also causes his masters to hate him secretly, who are willing to sell him out to save themselves. Luckily, Hideaki is used to insults and tolerate him.

Goal: No long-term ones.

Motivation: Outside of doing what he was told to do, he does thing when he feels someone need to be taught a lesson.

Backstory: He was born a slave to a sadistic noble family, who tortured their slaves whenever they are in the mood to do so. Usually he is dragged around by him on a rope, being a plaything to them. On the outside, they act like nice people, helping peasants and travelers, but is a facade to enslave them. The slave tattoo, a magic seal, ensures obedience of the slaves by suffocating them whenever they disobey someone with the master seal. Outside of removing the master seal, there is no way to escape, so he stays obedient to them. He often has to endure humiliation, whipping and other sadistic tortures. He manages to keep his sanity due to being friends with other slaves, and he believed if they endured, they will be safe. The family joined the cult, using the slaves as sacrifices and other tortures. For speaking without permission, his lips were sealed as he was forced to watch his friends get ripped apart by demons. He snapped, and started forming a plan to escape. He succeeded, and the entire family were ripped apart by the demons . While his original plan required him to sacrifice himself along with the family, the large outburst of demons drew the attention of Alden, who saved him and took him in as a student.

Relevant Tropes:

Affably Evil: While not evil, his manners do form a stark contrast with what he does.

Ax-Crazy

Batman Gambit: One of the best, even among the denary.

Berserk Button: He is good at pressing others.

Blatant Lies

Chaotic Neutral: Type 1.

The Chessmaster

Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: He is sometimes forced to serve those who he doesn't like, and is willing to betray them the first opportunity he gets.

Enemy Civil War: He causes this.

Double Reverse Quadruple Agent: How he operates.

The Corrupter: Does this if needed.

Dangerously Genre-Savvy

Deadpan Snarker

Evil Laugh: His laugh is extremely unnerving.

Psychotic Smirk

Hypocrite: One of type of people he hates.

Laughing Mad: If he is tortured, he breaks into this.

Manipulative Bastard

Not Afraid to Die

Pet the Dog: He does this to those he pities.

Sadistic Choice: He hates this, often using it as a last resort.

The Sociopath

Too Kinky to Torture: He will stay Defiant to the End, laughing at anyone who tries.

Jerkass Woobie

{{"The Reason You Suck" Speech}}: He can even do this to himself.

{{Can't Take Criticism}}: These are the people he refuse to work with.

Mr.Vice Guy

Jerk with a Heart of Gold

Animal Motif: The vulture.

Brutal Honesty

edited 16th Jan '16 1:51:36 AM by Ikedatakeshi

Kakai from somewhere in Europe Since: Aug, 2013
#784: Jan 16th 2016 at 6:28:23 AM

[up]Ah, right. I've playing around with Massim's age for some time and apparently didn't change it. For the record: he's now 28, and has been made Inandilos at the age of 21.

As for his refusal to be freed, it's not that he refuses - it's that he doesn't believe it to be possible, as Inandiloi were never freed. His entire character arc is him starting to trust people who may find a way to help him.

As for your character - wow, he's... twisted, I believe would be a good word. Quite creepy, too, although with the potential to cross over into Creepy Awesome. I must say, for a while I was thinking he's actually some sort of a villain, but if he's supposed to be Token Evil Teammate of Hideaki and co., he certainly fits the bill. I wonder, though, if there's not a bit of a deeper layer to him. His behaviour, his attitude towards what being a "good person" entails, and his backstory kinda suggest just a tad of self-hate going on in his head.

Then again, it's your character, so I don't know.

Rejoice!
Ikedatakeshi Baby dango from singapore Since: Nov, 2015 Relationship Status: Singularity
Baby dango
#785: Jan 16th 2016 at 7:22:11 AM

[up]That sounds much better, and seems easier for him to undergo Character Development.

Conrad, while has the potential to become a villain, still have lines he doesn't cross. Outright sadism, torturing others and causing meaningless trouble is pointless. He was suicidal during his attempt to kill his owners, and never expected to be saved. He hated himself for being a coward and not willing to risk his life to free himself and his friends, and that his justifications that he had were just excuses caused by his own cowardliness. To him, a good person would not claim to be good, and if you aren't good, don't pretend you are by making justifications for yourself. Admit that you are a bastard motivated by selfish desires, and he would at least have some respect for you. Originally he only liked Hideaki, but eventually slowly changed his views as he sees their Hidden Depths and motivations, and that they are also good people deep down.

Swordofknowledge Spreading literacy with book and blade from I like it here... Since: Aug, 2012 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Spreading literacy with book and blade
#786: Jan 16th 2016 at 4:24:46 PM

Conrad is an interesting character. At first I was taken aback, partly because he seemed both in looks and some ways in behavior like a villain. But, his darker actions aside, he doesn't seem particularly evil, just ruthless. His backstory is pretty awesome and I'd love to see the specifics of how he tricked the cultists into killing themselves with the demons. The whole laughing during torture thing seems a little...over the top, I don't know. It just seems almost impluasable that someone would laugh during what's meant to be painful, even if they're purposely doing it out of direct defiance. Apart from that, he sounds good. I wonder what member you'll post next.


From the Golden Sword story again.

  • Name: Ser Joel Landry

  • Age: 32

  • Appearance: Everything about Joel was "average". He was the standard height for a man, 5'6 total, and was neither overly muscular or particularly thin. He possessed an almost permanent tan born of years of exposure to the sun, thinning white hair and warm brown eyes. He wore a thin light-colored robe over a suit of heavy armor bearing House Landry's crest, and leather boots. After becoming the Golden Sword's host, Joel's physical appearance was enhanced and perfected. He became almost inhumanly handsome, his thinning hair grew full and luxurious. His skin retained its tan but was faintly luminous at all times, as if light was just beneath the surface. When actively using the Golden Sword's powers, his eyes would blaze with white light. Otherwise his eyes appeared vacant and almost dead, despite the changes in his facial expressions.

  • Personality:

When human and mortal, Joel possessed a solemn and conscientious demeanor. He rarely laughed at jokes, often admonished servants and other subordinates to attend to their tasks,and absorbed himself in honing his fighting skills in order to replace his father, Ser Godric, Guardian-Knight one day. Despite this, Joel was a kind man who deeply cared for his little sister Marlene and worried about her well-being. While eager to replace his father, he respected Godric's wisdom and valued him as a parent and mentor. Even though he was terrified of having to undertake the Golden Sword's ritual in the case of an Incursion, he nevertheless stepped forward to be the Hero without hesitation, showing his care and feelings of responsibility for the domed lands and the citizens who lived there.

Once turned into the Hero by the Golden Sword, Joel lost his former memories, though he still recognized people and places he had known in life. He was filled with a cold and persistent hatred of the Deep God and its Pariah minions and thought of nothing else but their destruction. He would constantly urge the mortal forces of the domes to battle with the abominations with barely contained impatience and rush off to battle them alone if he felt they were hindering him. He had no problem sacrificing comrades if necessary, and when his morals or tactics were questioned, he would lash out at the responsible party, calling them "sinful Deep God sympathizers". Despite these incidents, he was able to rally whole armies and lighten the hearts of the populace through his inspiring speeches. When not in battle, Joel mingled with the people and often spoke of the importance of peace and unity among mortals. He was often called upon to pass judgment on disputes between people, and always did so in an impartial manner. Despite his inspiring words, there was always something eerily vacant about his manner and affect, as if he was perpetually disinterested.

  • Abilities:

Joel had moderate skill with a long-sword and shield. He was far more efficient with firearms, namely pistols and was an excellent marksman. He knew a great deal about military strategy, diplomacy and etiquette, and had memorized the customs of at least seven kingdoms. He was also quite a good driver.

As the Hero, Joel was stronger than even the mightiest of mortals and could lift objects hundreds of times his own weight and cut Pariahs apart with ease. Joel could run an excess of a hundred miles per hour, and had incredible dexterity and reflexes. While his skin still resembled human flesh, it was now a hard yet oddly flexible substance similar to Pariah exoskeletons. This made him almost impossible to cut or even injure, unless it was by a Pariah. His skills with a sword heightened to master levels, and he could command great bursts of white fire to explode outward from his body, using himself as the epicenter of the blast. Alternately he could hover in the air and cause fire-balls to rain down on his foes.

  • Weaknesses: Joel's largest weakness was the trust he put in his father and the generations before. He believed that the previous Guardian-Knights had led the Crusader Order with righteousness and dignity and that the people of the domes were completely satisfied. He also was complacent that an Incursion would not happen in his life-time and thus made no steps to prepare. As the Hero he had next to no weaknesses, except the slight chance of being hurt by a Pariah. However his powers came with the loss of his personality and memories. Eventually the Sword's power left him when he felled the Union Project leading the 22nd Incursion, resulting in his death.

  • Goal: Joel's original desire was to take the reins from Godric and lead the Crusaders in protecting the people of the domed lands as they had for generations. He also wanted his little sister Marlene to have a better relationship with their father, since he all but ignored her in favor of teaching Joel all he needed to know. Later, when the 22nd Incursion happened on his watch, he wished to save the people of the domes from complete destruction.

  • Motivations: He was raised his whole life with the legacy of nobility, sacrifice, and adventure carried out by the Landry family. Godric told him that his natural place was to take the throne from him when it was his time to either die or become the Hero. When the 22nd Incursion came, his only thought was the welfare and safety of those he'd sworn to protect.

  • Role in the Story: Hope's uncle and an example of what the Sword does to people. He is the man who ended the Incursion before the current one, earning him a venerable place in the domed society. His death pretty much caused Marlene to go off the rails crazy. His fair judgments as the Hero inspired Hrothgar to work for Marlene in hopes of turning Hope into a Hero who will punish her for the persecution of the dwarves.

  • Backstory:

Joel was born to Ser Godric Landry and his wife Lady Ashiela. Joel had a relatively happy childhood, mostly learning history, etiquette and how to fight. While both Godric and Ashiela impressed upon him the importance of what he learned, they tempered their intensity with kindness. Failures to learn his lessons or sub-par performance was not usually punished, but met with lectures on why he should have done better. Because his grandfather, Ser Hermann Landry, had stopped the 20th Incursion 30 years previously, the people felt a great deal of good will towards the Crusaders and the Landrys. Thus Joel moved through a world that looked upon him and his family with favor and showered them with praise wherever he went. This increased his sense of purpose and desire to live up to those people's standards. When Ashiela became pregnant once more, Joel was surprised and nervous at the thought of having a sibling. After Marlene was born, Joel vowed to look after her as well, and he kept his promise. However he was dismayed that their father showed none very little care for his sister and tried to make up for it as best as he could. He aided his mother in raising Marlene, and when she died in an accident, he took over the task of being her connection to the family.

When Joel was 18, a Union Project breached the Southern Dome, beginning the 21st Incursion. Godric grimly prepared his forces and told Joel that he was now in command. Though he tried to hide what was coming from Marlene, Godric ordered that the little girl be one of the witnesses as they descended to the Chamber of Empowerment beneath Six Towers. The two of them watched with the representatives from the Mages Guild, as Godric took on the power of the Golden Sword. Joel took the Guardian-Knight position from that point onward, burying his grief and his terror of what would happen to him if another Incursion appeared.

Despite this fear, Joel's reign was a peaceful one, and soon he began to relax his guard. Due to the spaces between Incursions, he believed that Godric's sacrifice had saved the people for another few decades before the Pariahs regathered their forces to assault mortal-kind again. 14 years into his reign, the Union Project Ren burrowed beneath the domes and led its army of Pariahs to the surface into mortal territory.

Though he was filled with sorrow and fear, Joel knew his time had come and made the necessary preparations. Marlene bitterly wept and begged him not to throw away his life, even wildly suggesting that the two of them abandon their family name and flee, never looking back. Slightly amused, Joel asked her just where they could go to escape the dark hordes surging into the lands. Gently drying her tears, Joel declared that she was now the Guardian-Knight, and asked her to pray to the past Heroes for the cycle of Incursions to end forever this time. He then descended to the Chamber of Empowerment where he became the Hero before the crowd of witnesses to the ceremony.

  • Relevant Tropes:

As himself

  • Authority Equals Asskicking: Joel trained relentlessly to hone is fighting skills to perfection. The reason being that it was expected for a Guardian-Knight to possess the same martial abilities and knowledge as the men and women he would command in defense of the people. While he never achieved the vast array of skills and endurance of his father, he was a pretty good fighter in his own right.

  • Big Brother Instinct: He cared deeply about Marlene and was greatly disturbed to see how little his father Godric cared about her. He often implored him spend some time at least getting to know his daughter rather than lavishing his attention and affection on him alone. When his words fell on deaf ears, he resorted to raising Marlene himself to make up for the lack of a male parent in her life. Which led to...

  • Big Brother Worship: Marlene really, really, looks up to her big brother even after his death. She viewed him as more of father than Godric due to his role in raising her, and in many ways seeing him transformed into the Hero was worse than simply losing him to death.

  • Blue Blood: Joel was a descendant of Samuel Landry, the founder of House Landry and discoverer of the Golden Sword. Samuel was also the first, and most powerful of the Heroes, able to hold of the Pariahs for years while the domes were constructed.

  • The Champion: Being Guardian-Knight meant being this to all the domes and their people.

  • Dark Skinned Blond: Joel was quite tan from training outside in the sun and elements almost every day of the year. Like all Landry males, his hair was naturally white.

  • The Dutiful Son: He was extremely loyal to his parents and believed his utmost obligation was to uphold the Landry family's traditions, whether that meant ascended to the Guardian-Knight position and leading the Crusaders with honor...or becoming the Hero.

  • The Good King: Joel wasn't a king, per se—-in fact, there were kings and queens who were technically subordinate to him—-but Joel fit the bill nonetheless during his tenure as Guardian-Knight. He cared for the people of the domes, worked with rulers of the kingdoms to decide laws rather than use his prerogative to enforce policy, and put the citizens first.

  • Heir Club for Men: Zig-zagged. Only men could become the Golden Sword's hosts, thus the Landry family did tend to pay more attention to its male members than females. However either gender could become the Guardian-Knight.

  • Heroic Lineage: The Landry family is—quite literally—this.

  • Heroic Sacrifice: Despite being terrified of losing his life and humanity to the Golden Sword, Joel unhesitatingly took up the weapon when the domes were once again breached in the 22nd Incursion. Marlene alternately admires and despises him for it.

  • Knight in Shining Armor: What he was raised to be, and he tried to exemplify this as much as possible. For him, the Guardian-Knight was a leader of the people who gave them hope and assurance that they would be protected as long as he or she was in command.

  • Modest Royalty: Joel did not look down on others, despite his status as heir-apparent to the Order that governs the kingdoms within the domes. Godric and Ashiela constantly stressed humility, since House Landry's purpose was not to be "pampered leeches on the people" but to be the sword and shield instead.

  • Parental Favoritism: The beneficiary of it, though it did not sit well with his conscience. While Ashiela tended to Marlene as any mother would, Godric seemed to have little time for his sister, and one of the few ways in which he clashed with his father was over this disparity of parental attention. Later subverted, when Marlene later explains that she understands Godric was being pragmatic rather than cruel—-he needed to train and cultivate the person who would be able to take over in case of another Incursion.

  • Posthumous Character: Joel stopped the 22nd Incursion and died 20 years before the start of the story, so all we know about him are from flashbacks and Marlene's dialogue.


As the Hero

  • Absurd Cutting Power: The Golden Sword in his hands was no longer the brittle old weapon it is without a host. It was an unbreakable blade that could quite literally cut through anything. Joel's superior strength aided in this.

  • Attack! Attack! Attack!: His "strategy" in battle with the Pariahs was to dive into their hordes without care for tactics, slashing them, blowing them apart and sometimes ripping their bodies to shreds with his bare hands. He would respect plans if approached about them, but this was his default way of dealing with problems.

  • Body Horror: He would reinsert the Golden Sword into his chest when he wasn't actively using it, causing the entire blade, hilt, handle and all, to burrow into his chest and squirm around under the skin before vanishing without a trace.

  • Berserk Button: Being obstructed from killing the Pariahs, or anything he interpreted as sympathy for them...even if it was merely protests about how wise it was to continue pursuing retreating enemies. While he never physically assaulted anyone, he verbally attacked with a mix of fury and condescension and questioned their very loyalty to mortal-kind. That, and the sensation of his anger was palpable enough to shatter windows.

  • Black Speech: It is implied that his "soothing speeches" were some form of this. See Compelling Voice.

  • Big Good:...Maybe. Strictly speaking, Joel was an all-powerful living weapon against the bloodthirsty Eldritch Abominations that had invaded mortal lands, and he took an interest in promoting unity and peace the people. However he would often push his allies and comrades into exhaustion and death in pursuit of the enemy and would lash out at them if they disagreed with him. Plus there's the little fact that he was the lifeless shell of the real Joel being maneuvered around by the Golden Sword's powers.

  • Compelling Voice: Joel would often give speeches, and people would come from all the domed kingdoms to hear him. However, while all present were comforted, no one could exactly remember what was said there. The experiences were simply blurs of pleasurable sensation and a feeling of great loyalty and dedication to the Hero. Strangely enough, Landry family members appear to be immune to this, and when Hope asks Marlene what Joel said in those speeches, all he gets is a strange glassy stare in response.

  • Dull Eyes of Unhappiness: His eyes were glassy and vacant, even while smiling or speaking to people, showing that he was an Empty Shell despite outward appearances to the contrary.

  • Glowing Eyes of Doom: Joel's eyes would glow with blazing white light when using the Golden Sword's power, to the point where it was painful to even look at his face when he was fully engaged in battle.

  • "It" Is Dehumanizing: Purposely invoked by Marlene who refers to the Hero as "it" rather than "he", to distance herself from the fact that this killing machine was once her beloved older brother.

  • Knight Templar: Was willing to run armies into exhaustion or sacrifice allies if it would allow him to get one step closer to ending the threat posed by the Pariahs. To him, those who fought alongside him could be used as pawns if necessary, and had given their consent simply by stepping up to combat the horde.

  • Literally Shattered Lives: When Joel had killed the Union Project leading the 22nd Incursion, the Golden Sword's power left him. His body instantly crystallized and shattered into glimmering shards which then turned to dust.

  • Mind Manipulation: His speeches—or whatever they were—soothed people with a sense of calmness and tranquility and they awoke feeling refreshed and utterly loyal to the Hero. All the Heroes have done this throughout the centuries and Kiera, a Black Knight mage who has lived through three Incursions in her lifetime cynically mentions that they have always done this when the amount of soldiers to fight the Pariahs has run low, and that the speeches are always followed by a rise in recruitment.

  • Physical God: The Heroes are regarded as these, and it is a privilege extended only to the very elite to see one "born". When they finally die after completing their task, it is regarded as having Ascended to a Higher Plane of Existence. Vast marble statues of those who became Heroes decorate every temple in every city in the domes.

  • Playing with Fire: Joel commanded a strange white flame that could spare that which he didn't want to be consumed. He could cause blasts of it to emanate from his body up to a mile around him, fire balls of it from his hands, or rain them down from the sky while floating above his enemies.

  • Super-Strength: Enough to crush granite boulders, tear apart Pariahs, and hurl cars at enemies.

  • Super-Speed: Able to move in a blur of motion and attack his enemies before they could figure out where he was.

  • Was Once a Man: Just like all the other Heroes, he was literally once a male Landry family member before the Golden Sword filled him with its power and used him as a host. The fact that it turns anyone else into a Pariah raises horrifying connections between the Sword, the Hero and the Pariahs. .

edited 16th Jan '16 7:18:28 PM by Swordofknowledge

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake. — Edgar Walllace
Ikedatakeshi Baby dango from singapore Since: Nov, 2015 Relationship Status: Singularity
Baby dango
#787: Jan 17th 2016 at 12:56:57 AM

[up]He suffered way worse, and is mentally unstable. How he managed to trick the family is the same way he operates now, through Relationship Sabotage. His owners are a Big Screwed-Up Family(what did you expect from sadistic cultist?), who have some level of hatred and rivalry between each other. Being nobles, they are quite busy and sometimes the house is left alone, and he as a slave has to clean the place, giving him freedom to move about. While there are seals in place of their rooms to prevent entering, he managed to find ways to enter. He eavesdrop on some of them despite the high risk of getting caught, and used their secrets against them. He learned ways to sabotage their ritual from their spell book. As animosity grew between them, he kept the image of a traumatized, weak child to avoid suspicion, leaving clues that would divert suspicions to others, making them hate each other more. This gave him the opening to sabotage the ritual, summoning a horde of wild demons that they could not control.

So, you said that Joel knows a great deal of military strategy, yet chooses to dive into the horde without care for strategy? Did the sword take away his ability to strategize as well? However, I can see how Joel influenced Marlene to become who she is.He seems to be a great person, and I am interested in how you'll handle him.

This is a character from another story I'm working on. The setting is also set in a fantasy setting, but lack the medieval system and culture. It is more light-hearted in comparison. The world is divided into multiple continent ruled by different groups, such as demons, The Fair Folk, humans etc. 500 years before the start of the story, a war broke out between the demons and humans, with the human side losing badly. A hero was selected by the church to fight against the demons, and they succeeded in repelling the demons, until the overlord decided to join the battle. The battle between the overlord and the hero and his companions ended in the latter's victory at the cost of the hero's life. Due to the overlord spell, he will be reincarnated immediately upon his death, and his reincarnated self will have all of his powers. Thus, they decided to divide his body into multiple parts and seal them away, with his soul sealed in the hero's sword. In present time, the descendants of the hero's companions rule the continent as a council, but not all members are good. Some even decided to unseal some of the overlord's body parts for their own use. The overlord eventually gets unsealed, but is forced to possess a human body. The story will be how he will get use to a world hundreds of years in the future, to regain his lost body and learn about humanity.

Name: Eliphas Mastemas(People just call him Eric)

Age: 300(if you don't count his years sealed away)This is considered young by demon standards.

Appearance: As a demon, he is relatively small and humanoid compared to the other demons, which is indicative of his strength. As a human, he possesses the body of a teenager(who was already dead when he possessed him), and looks average besides having Hellish Pupils and Cute Little Fangs.

Personality: Despite being the ruler of demons, he is a responsible and trustworthy being who truly loved his people. He is understandably hostile towards all humans, but will not hurt anyone that did not pissed him of first. Due to being forced into subservience, he is impatient, unsociable and generally rude towards all humans. Being a demon, he is naturally pragmatic and ruthless in nature, but is kind to those who work for him. He is petty, snarky and smug, but is capable of being serious when needed.

Abilities: Being the ruler of demons, his strength is above even the hero. His is more powerful than any human, and any spell is amplified a hundred folds when he uses it. In his demon form, he is near unstoppable, and only through outsmarting him did the hero won. He is well versed in magic, strategy and martial arts, with naturally higher physical abilities and and power reserves to back it up.

Weaknesses: Due to residing in a human body, he can't use all the spells he knows that is dependent on his demon body. His body is also less durable, incapable of withstanding large amount of power running through them. His heart also can't withstand his power, so he runs out of stamina quickly. Personality wise, he is prone to fight recklessly when angered, ignoring the damage done to his body and the surroundings. The hero's sword is still linked to him, restricting him when needed.

Role in story: Protagonist.

Goal: Gain back his body and his throne. Take revenge against the church(who started the war) and the descendants of the heroes.

Motivations: Revenge and sense of duty as a king.

Backstory: Being born a weak demon, he was forced to fight at a young age. The demons were divided into small tribes, and the continent was in constant strife. While demons usually give birth to multiple children at once, the siblings have to kill each other to prove themselves strong fighters capable of surviving. His entire tribe was killed off by a rival tribe, and he was left to die in a pool of blood. To survive, he ate the corpse of his tribe members. Luckily for him, he was taken in by another tribe. Determined to end the conflict between the tribes, he aimed to become king. As he reach adulthood, he started wandering around the continent, in search for allies and ways to become stronger. Eventually, he united the continent under his rule. Unfortunately, the humans attacked soon afterwards, afraid of the power of the united demons.

Relevant Tropes:

Asskicking Equals Authority: While power wasn't the only reason he became the ruler, it is certainly a big factor.

Badass Baritone: His voice was deep as a demon.

Badass Cape: Made out of demonic spider silk, capable of changing shapes and size. When the owner is in danger, it will automatically protect its owner, and will block attacks as a passive ability. Capable of protecting the owner from the environment, flight, self-repair and attacking opponents. This, along with other treasures, were also taken away along his body parts.

{{Bad Powers, Good people}}: His power tends toward large scale destruction, but he won't harm the innocent.

Compelling Voice: To average humans, demons and powerful humans are immune.

Curb-Stomp Battle: Usually defeat his opponent this way.

Dark Is Not Evil

Deadpan Snarker

Death Glare

Evil Is Petty: Like to pull pranks on anyone who irritated him.

Evil Overlord: Job.

From Nobody to Nightmare: Was relatively low on the pecking order. Unlike the other demons, he started learning. He learned magic by observing powerful demons, and practiced hard. He also hunted down demon beasts through traps and tricks and ate them to gain power and abilities. Sometimes, humans will come to the continent in search of treasures. While others will kill them immediately, he offered to let them go in exchange for knowledge. He gained knowledge on diplomacy, politics and proper use of military power.

Genre Savvy

Going Native: Downplayed. He is still loyal to his fellow demons, but adapts well to the humans world.

Good Thing You Can Heal: Using too much power damages his body, so he has to divert power o heal himself.

Hellish Pupils: Red, slitted eyes.

Heroic Build: His demon form is quite muscular, and he also do physical training on his human body.

Horned Humanoid: Relatively small horns compared to other demons.

Humanity Ensues

Hunk: When he activates his powers, his body becomes more muscular.

Lightning Bruiser

Sealed Evil in a Six Pack: Even then, said body parts are each powerful in their own right. Unsealed, they can become demonic beasts.

Anti-Hero: Is pragmatic by nature and generally uncaring to human life. Grows out of this with time.

Restraining Bolt: Is not completely free from the sword, and is forced into subservience towards its wielder.

Master of Illusion: Uses illusions of himself to bait demon beasts to his traps.

Noble Demon: Literal on the demon part.

Person of Mass Destruction: His strongest attack leaves a crater 40 kilometers in radius.

Really 700 Years Old: 300 years old.

{{Red Eyes, Take Warning}}

Satan: Is called this by the church.

Smug Smiler

Sorcerous Overlord: Is equally capable in magic as fighting.

Super-Toughness: His body is more durable than the average human, but is still fragile compared to his original one.

Like an Old Married Couple: With his Love Interest, the one who unsealed him and the wielder of the sword.

The Archmage: In his prime, but most of his spells are useless or too dangerous to cast in his human body.

Protagonist506 from Oregon Since: Dec, 2013 Relationship Status: Chocolate!
#788: Jan 30th 2016 at 7:39:22 AM

[up]Interesting to see an Evil Overlord Satanic Archetype, especially one that becomes good (or more good) as time goes on, as a main protagonist of a story. It sounds like an interesting idea. I'd like to ask, you say he's the protagonist, but you refer to someone else as "the hero". May I ask who this other character is?

For a Science Fantasy RPG game (and novelization of said game) I'm making:

(Some of these elements are still WIP; The deconstruction of Chronic Hero Syndrome being one of them-I'm not sure how to portray that entirely)

Name: Lewis (Last name is a work in progress-I can't seem to make a decision on it)

Role in the Story: Protagonist

Age: 22 at the start of the story, though he's about 30 at the end.

Appearance: Here's his sprite: https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/12039410_769224533187669_1382446167088946065_n.jpg?oh=c32f1996334aa2cf7666b7dedeef86f9&oe=57326770

Personality: He's stoic and tries to be pretty classy. He's usually polite, even towards his enemies-though he's not above giving backhanded compliments or snarking. He likes classical music, and a major hobby of his is a trading card game in the setting. He loves his nation, though he's a bit worried that it's becoming too jaded and/or decadent.

He has Chronic Hero Syndrome, more or less, as an actual condition. He feels compelled to help everyone he can, and a lot of guilt when he doesn't.

One major issue being decided in his nation is Android Rights, which he supports-though he doesn't necessarily view them as humanity's equals (he grows out of this, though).

Abilities: He's skilled at Marksmanship, Engineering, and Investigating Crimes.

Weaknesses: He has a case of survivor's syndrome. He often has nightmares. He's a bit shy, as well. He has a mild phobia of bees (it's an In-Joke, when I first programmed bees in the game they were way OP).

Goals: The defense of his home town and nation. He also wants to advance his career.

Motivation: Survivor Guilt, Patriotism

Backstory: He had a fascination with machines as a kid, so he eventually learned more about them. He eventually got a job at the local Eternal Engine factory, repairing their delivery robots. But then the factory was attacked by terrorists. He survived, but well over a dozen people were killed during the attack.

The city enacted the "Civil Defense Act" which involved the creation of a lot of patrol robots. Lewis decided to help build and repair those robots. Working at the factory was no longer enjoyable for him. He eventually managed to catch another engineer who was stealing parts from the robots and selling them to illegal arms dealers. At this point, he was offered a promotion to detective-he accepted.

He keeps stopping various criminals and even starts to uncover covert actions being taken by a rogue nation within his city. He gets promotions over time, until eventually he's promoted to "Archon", which is a supersoldier that's basically a sci-fi version of the Paladin (using rayguns instead of swords).

Relevant Tropes:

The Stoic

Real Men Love Jesus: He worships the setting's Crystal Dragon Jesus....

Machine Worship: ...Who's a super AI given divine powers.

The Paladin: As said above, once he becomes an Archon, he's basically a Paladin with guns.

Light Is Good

Chronic Hero Syndrome: Deconstructed, and then later Reconstructed. It's caused by Survivor Guilt, and it's shown not to necessarily be entirely healthy. Just before becoming an Archon, the Crystal Dragon Jesus snaps him out of the unhealthier aspects of this, but does encourage him to keep helping people.

Gun Nut: He likes Ray Guns, for various reasons. He finds them fascinating from a mechanical standpoint, and likes the way their energy bolts look. The setting inverts The Lethal Connotations Of Guns, with Ray Guns that can be set to stun are rather common.

Robosexual: His Love Interest is a Robot Girl.

Patriotic Fervor: Of the "Patriotism is good" flavor.

Genius Bruiser: Well, he's an engineer-turned-police officer.

edited 30th Jan '16 10:20:41 AM by Protagonist506

Leviticus 19:34
Ikedatakeshi Baby dango from singapore Since: Nov, 2015 Relationship Status: Singularity
Baby dango
#789: Jan 30th 2016 at 8:15:36 AM

[up]The hero is a title given to the person who wields the holy sword, not the actual hero of the story. Since it has been 500 years, the original hero is already dead. His descendants serve as the pawns of the church, who are the main villain.(For some reason the members of a Corrupt Church are always the villain in my story)

As for Lewis, his looks seems to match with his personality, with his hairstyle and sunglasses. I wonder how does an engineer get a promotion to a detective, but maybe those two jobs are connected somehow in your story. I can see him as the guy who tries to be Badass or act cool, and like saying one-liners. Patriotism is rarely used as a motivation for a hero(or at least the ones I've seen), so it can make for interesting Character Development. His interest in a robot girl would probably be a non-sexual one, since they ((Can't Have Sex, Ever}}, unless technology has improved to that level.

Protagonist506 from Oregon Since: Dec, 2013 Relationship Status: Chocolate!
#790: Jan 30th 2016 at 11:15:06 AM

[up]

He manages to figure out, by analyzing the police's equipment that someone's stealing from them. He was the only one who caught this, and the police were impressed by it.

As for his robot girlfriend, she can because her designer thought it might help her mentally. She can't reproduce, but they might end up adopting.

Yeah, it's rare for heroic patriots these days to exist. I wanted to make a pro-establishment hero, since-in my opinion-there's not enough of them to balance out the anti-establishment heroes, and I think it's having a slightly negative impact on our culture.

Leviticus 19:34
Swordofknowledge Spreading literacy with book and blade from I like it here... Since: Aug, 2012 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Spreading literacy with book and blade
#791: Jan 31st 2016 at 4:47:37 PM

Patriotism certainly is an interesting motive for a hero, that's not really seen nowadays, at least I don't think so. Lewis certainly does have an interesting job history, I'll give him that [lol]. From engineer to detective, to a place in the setting church? That certainly is a tale of a man coming up in the world. I like how you explored his survivor's guilt and had him eventually called to examine his motivations for helping people, while not allowing him to continue unhealthy behaviors.

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake. — Edgar Walllace
Protagonist506 from Oregon Since: Dec, 2013 Relationship Status: Chocolate!
#792: Jan 31st 2016 at 9:59:56 PM

[up]The Archons are run by both the secular government (The Republic of Zion) and the church (Metatronism). The God of Good in the setting hand-selects the most badass people he can find to join his special task force. They're infused with nano-tech and holy magic to turn them into Super Soldiers.

A major theme in the story is "moving up" as well as Serial Escalation. At first, Lewis is a cop who fights drug pushers and whatnot, but by the end of the story he's a super soldier fighting elderitch abominations, evil super soldiers, and whatnot.

edited 1st Feb '16 2:36:45 PM by Protagonist506

Leviticus 19:34
Ikedatakeshi Baby dango from singapore Since: Nov, 2015 Relationship Status: Singularity
Baby dango
#793: Feb 3rd 2016 at 1:51:19 AM

Now I will introduce the spirits that I've talked about in Kaytlyn

Name: They lack a collective term, but humans refer to them as spirits.

Age: They are beings that existed since the start of life on the planet.

Appearance: In the astral realm that they exist in, they lack a physical form, appearing as a cloud of glowing energy. To go to the physical realm, they need a host. Some would possess plants or animals, others would become weapons or humans. Since they do not intend to take control of another living being against their will, they would enter the cycle of reincarnation and get the next available body.

Personality: Each spirit have their own unique personality and world view, and would have a different approach to solving problems. They usually do not care about the physical realm, since most of the time whatever happens would not impact the astral realm, and they can push the ((Reset Button)) at any time, ending all life and start anew. The only reason they don't do so is because it would take a much longer time and a lot more effort. They don't like being worshiped, since they prefer being left alone, and hearing the same thing for centuries is very irritating. They do consider each other family, and can get quite pissed if harm came to any of them.

Abilities: Each spirit have powers respective to their own domain, though some may overlap. They can affect the weather, cause natural disasters, change the fertility of the soil etc. Once they decide to enter the physical realm through a body, said body would mutate from their original form, mostly becoming larger and gaining attributes depending on the powers of the spirit.

Weaknesses: There are things they can't affect, such as fate and the mind of living beings. The amount of interaction they can have in the physical realm without a physical body is limited, and while they can't be killed permanently, they could be sealed away. Since they are too powerful, they have to weaken themselves deliberately to enter the physical realm.

Goals: Ensure the physical realm runs smoothly.

Motivation: They don't really have much else to do, and big changes in the physical realm would possibly affect the astral world.

Role in story: The gods of my story.

Backstory: Once the planet formed, the energy from the planet gathered to form the spirits. They helped shaped the planet into a place suitable for life to develop. The world ran smoothly until the start of wars between the races. One of the kinder spirits intended to stop the wars, but was imprisoned so that its powers can be used for further fighting. Understandably pissed, they came to the physical realm en masse to punish the races, destroying more than half of all life on the planet. This experience convinced them not to interfere with the matters of the mortals directly unless absolutely necessary. The man who imprisoned the spirit managed to survive, determined for revenge. Using the dark arts, he managed to gather the souls of those who were killed and turn into the demon, Baphometh. The spirits were still leagues above him, but could not kill him if they didn't want him in the astral realm, so they sealed him away. However, Baphometh managed to communicate with humans through telepathy, and managed to convince them to write the Nigrum Libro, a book containing the dark arts he used and started a cult. To prevent his unsealing, they created Christianity, so that they would have another figure to worship and would help persecute any cult members. While the church would often abuse their power, it worked for a few centuries until the plague struck. Since this was fated, the spirits could not change it. The cult used this chance to promote themselves as the true followers of god, since the demons were impervious to disease. War broke out, and while Alden managed to get rid of them, the power vacuum left behind were filled by powerful lords who possessed military power, while many kings could not exert power over them. Both the spirits and Baphometh saw that the religious approach didn't work, so opted to offer power to the warlords in exchange for favors. Isabella is one of the many people who offered their help.

Relevant tropes:

Anthropomorphic Personification: They are embodiments of the planets energy and the elements.

Bargain with Heaven: Started doing this.

Divine Intervention: Only when necessary.

A God I Am Not: Refuse to be called gods.

{{Don't Fear the Reaper}}: There is a spirit governing the cycle of reincarnation, and while it is strict, is not evil.

Above Good and Evil: They do only what they feel right at the time, unless they disagree with each other, which doesn't happen often. Good and evil are but shackles and false dichotomies, and any moral issues of the things they do can only be decided by them.

Kakai from somewhere in Europe Since: Aug, 2013
#794: Feb 3rd 2016 at 7:33:06 AM

[up]The spirits seem well-rounded, character-wise - I like that detail about being protective of their own when dealing with the outsiders. They seem to dislike people at large, and given the backstory, it's not all that surprising. Their story also does a good job explaining why God's Hands Are Tied, and is a nice look at your world's mythos.

I have only two questions, really, one of which is probably not all that connected to character dev itself. First, do I recall correctly that the story has the main character travelling from our world to another? If so, it means that either the spirits influenced creation of Christianity in our world as well, somehow came up with something identical to "our" Christianity or can jump worlds and took inspiration from us. Which one would it be? Because the first one sounds like opening a whole can of worms, and the second's kinda implausible.

Second question: if spirits are this powerful, why keep Baphometh locked in the proverbial can instead of killing him and then blowing him back to pieces in the spirit realm? Less danger of can leaking or someone opening it.

Rejoice!
Ikedatakeshi Baby dango from singapore Since: Nov, 2015 Relationship Status: Singularity
Baby dango
#795: Feb 3rd 2016 at 4:39:08 PM

[up]Being powerful spirits, they can also move to alternate worlds, and arrived at medieval Europe, where Christianity was the dominant power, so they might as well copy it. Second, since Baphometh gained its power from absorbing souls, they don't want him in a place filled with souls that he can be free to absorb. Sure, they can still kill him if they work together, but all the souls absorbed will be lost since they are merged into one being.

Swordofknowledge Spreading literacy with book and blade from I like it here... Since: Aug, 2012 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Spreading literacy with book and blade
#796: Feb 3rd 2016 at 5:52:58 PM

Powerful indeed, Ikedatakeshi. Your spirits in some ways remind of grown-up versions of the spirits in Anne Rice's 'Queen of the Damned'' if you'll forgive the comparison. Powerfu, amoral beings that seem part Eldritch Abomination and part godly presence. Except that yours don't like being worshipped as deities and have little interest in mortal affairs. I agree with Kakai that you've done a good job explaining the classic fantasy problem of why the gods of the setting don't just get the job done. That aspect is always tricky and runs the scale from horrible fumbling to excellent and believable.

You answered the question I had about Christianity, and I have to say that your spirits really do live up to your description of their morality. I wouldn't say that they are Above Good and Evil as much as I would classify them as intensely selfish in the interests of their own kind, and highly opinionated on what they think is best for mortals and for themselves. Starting an entire religion and altering history like that definitely fits the bill for that. A good presentation of deities or at least powerful supernatural entities.

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake. — Edgar Walllace
Kakai from somewhere in Europe Since: Aug, 2013
#797: Feb 4th 2016 at 7:19:44 AM

[up][up]Ah, makes sense now. I would say that perma-killing him would be better than giving him the possibility of absorbing all those souls sometimes later, but what spirits decided on makes sense as well.

Rejoice!
Swordofknowledge Spreading literacy with book and blade from I like it here... Since: Aug, 2012 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Spreading literacy with book and blade
#798: Feb 6th 2016 at 11:35:25 PM

Alright then...The Protagonist of the now named The Golden Sword. I apologize for her long backstory to those who read this; it was pretty important though...

  • Name: Marian, The "Maid of the Underground"

  • Age: 15

  • Appearance: Despite her young age, Marian appears to be a female human in her late twenties. She stands 5’5 in height and has a wiry build. Marian's complexion is unhealthily pale and if one looks at her closely, faintly glimmering red veins can be glimpsed beneath the surface of her skin. Marian's eyes are a eerie blue color and underscored with dark circles, as if from lack of sleep. An elaborate tattoo composed of interlocking runes covers her right arm from her shoulder to fingertips. Her black hair hangs to her shoulder on one side, while being shaved almost to the scalp on the other, with the beginnings of another tattoo visible on the bare skin there. Marian's clothes generally consist of a short-sleeved black and silver tunic, black pants and leather boots. Light armor has been sewn into the fabric.

    • The closest glimpse shown of Marian's real body is a seemingly endless array of red tendrils that glow with inner light. They appear to be crystalline in consistency and yet are as flexible as vines, with most of them being as thick as a man's torso and taller than most castle towers. Multiple blue eyes and mouths appeared scattered across the surface of these tendrils, all whispering incomprehensible words. Every single tendril possesses its own "root system" which burrows and expands downward into the earth.

  • Personality: Marian is a street-smart and savvy individual who remains alert for a metaphorical knife in the back for some time before deciding to trust a new acquaintance. Despite this suspicious nature, Marian treats her friends with intense loyalty, and will react violently if anyone attempts to harm them. Marian hates the Pariahs just like any other citizen of the domes but is also wary of the Crusaders, and avoids mortal-kind's knights like the plague. Much of her behavior and knowledge is due to Drukon, the dwarven mage who raised her and taught her about the world. She considers Drukon to be her father and views him with deep respect and love, and feels guilty when she thinks she has let him down in some way. She has a fascination with the arcane arts and is dismayed by not being able to perform magic herself. This has led to a strong admiration for mages and she will pester them incessantly with questions. Drukon taught Marian to see her need to consume mortals as just another part of who she is, but common sense and his instructions, force her to do it in private, and to people who won't be missed. Her relationship with Hope evolves through the story. At first she viewed him with pity and that was part of her reason for saving him, and she finds his original nervousness and lack of self-esteem irritating. However as they are forced through hardship together, she begins to view him as another friend she needs to keep close. Likewise, her loathing for the Black Knights slowly gives way to a sense of solidarity.

  • Abilities: Marian can use a number of techniques such as punches, kicks, throws and submission-holds. She can produce a red substance from her flesh in the form of crystal-like growths. These are malleable despite their hardness and Marian can shape them into defined forms with enough concentration. Her preferred method is to sprout a pair of five-foot-long “wings” from the middle of her back. Due to the sharpness of the “feathers” and the flexible nature of the constructs, she can lash out with them hard enough to slice through flesh and bone. If her skin makes contact with the bare flesh of a mortal or Pariah, all Marian has to do is concentrate on the desire to eat, and an array of thin whip-like red tendrils will grow from her body and enter the target's, ripping it apart from the inside and absorbing the slushy remains. Marian can seemingly regenerate from any injury within minutes to hours, including having most of her head destroyed. Having been raised in the Underground, she has an extensive knowledge of its tunnels, passages and hidden entrances and exits, the knowledge only improving with her job as a courier. Because of that job, Marian is considered an untouchable neutral party to the criminal elements that operate within the Underground and connecting cities, and a few individuals owe her favors. She is capable of curing Pariahs of their affliction through “eating” them, which forces their souls back into their slumbering physical forms.

    • The massive vine-like tendrils which compose Marian's true body are as strong and durable as they are flexible. It was able to prevent the enormous castle of Six Towers from collapsing on Team 24 and everyone else inside, while throwing Marlene Landry's massive Pariah form several miles away at the same time. When threatened with attack, it can create smaller, “offshoot” tentacles to bind and immobilize the aggressors without harming them. It also has the ability to speak, though the words were not understandable to mortal ears. It could also read the minds of the gathered people straight down to their subconscious—though upon returning to human shape, Marian remembered little of what she had learned except a few scattered bits of information.

  • Weaknesses: Marian has the physical strength of an average human female in her late twenties. She can be knocked down, overpowered and injured if her opponent has superior raw strength, or better skills. Severe wounds, such as losing a limb or regenerating damage to her head will take hours to recover from, and she is vulnerable during that time. Her capacity to consume people and Pariahs is more than just another power—it is an overwhelming need, and if she goes for too long without it, her thoughts become increasingly confused and feral. Marian must make contact with some organic part of the creature she wishes to consume. Obstructions such as clothes and armor make this ability useless. Golden Sword or the Heroes are anathema to Marian; weapons or armor touched by a Hero or containing part of one's body cause pain and weakness if they make contact with her. Though she can consume the Pariahs, they can also feed on her just like anyone else, though she does not immediately start to rot. Her very existence is a massive Achilles' Heel for the Deep God. It is normally invincible because its body and intelligence are dispersed across all across Mareaubia’s underground tunnels, but pouring power into maintaining a solid and individual offshoot allows it to be harmed through the connection.

  • Goals: Marian's initial goal was to make enough money as one of Fion's couriers to be able to buy a house in the city of Murok and to bribe the White Knights to ignore Drukon's presence in the city when he finally returned from his journey. After the 23rd Incursion results in the deaths of her friends, Marian wants vengeance against the Pariahs, while longing to be free of the Black Knights. She eventually decides to fully ally with them to help rid the world of the monsters once and for all. While not her goal, the Deep God created her as a way of finally ending the Pariah scourge and defeating the Makers once and for all.

  • Motivation: Drukon suddenly left Marian after twelve years of raising her, with the uncertain promise that he would return. Her fellow couriers and a few others in Murok were like family to her, and Marian wants vengeance for their deaths due to the Pariahs. While she hates the Black Knights for forcing her into servitude, she knows that they are genuinely trying to help the domed lands as best as they can. Later, she realizes that her best bet is to stay within the ranks of the Crusaders if she does not want to be abducted and taken outside the domes by the mysterious infiltrators from the “Big City”.

  • Role in the Story: Marian one of the two main protagonists of the story, the second being Hope Landry. In many ways she is Hope's Foil as they share similar traits and backstories. While Hope represents the status-quo, and the old way of dealing with the Pariahs, Marian is a new and somewhat frightening beacon of change. Marian is also Hope's first friend, The Artful Dodger counterpart to the sheltered noble boy. After the 23rd Incursion, she becomes the target of several factions with differing intentions towards her, but all who believe they are on the side of right.

  • Backstory:

Marian was born from the death of Anna Listar, the human apprentice to Drukon Farthul, a dwarven mage of great political and magical power. 15 years before the events of The Golden Sword, Drukon and Anna were studying the Underground a maze of tunnels beneath the domed lands that housed outcasts and refugees from the cities and kingdoms above, and discovered a tunnel that led to the subterranean highways of the ancient dwarven kingdom Tenug-Under-The-Earth where the Pariah invasion had started. However they were betrayed by a spy for the Crusader Order and the Guardian-Knight Marlene Landry forced them to take her and a battalion of Black and White Knights along with them. Marlene desired to see Tenug-Under-The-Earth since she believed it was the lair of the Deep God and she wished to kill it herself.

When the expedition had reached past the tunnel on Drukon’s map, they began to see massive red crystalline veins in the walls of the Underground like the roots of a massive tree. Both Drukon and Anna sensed sentience and intelligence from these structures and were afraid, wishing to turn back, but Marlene would not allow it. However the soldiers began to panic and a member of the White Knights shot one of the vein-like crystal formations, cracking it. The entire tunnel exploded into attack with the strangely flexible red crystals pouring out of the walls. Everyone fled, but Anna was impaled multiple times and as they watched in horror, the young woman’s body was peeled apart by tiny offshoot branches of the crystal “roots” before finally being consumed by them.

The branches developed egg-like structures which shattered and released deformed infant-like creatures that rapidly died. One of them fell from the ceiling near Drukon as a perfect replica of a human newborn and he snatched it up. He could sense the same power from the “baby” that he had felt from the entity in the tunnel, and knew he held a piece of the Deep God. When he said this aloud, Marlene ordered him to hand the infant over to her to be destroyed…but he refused. Drukon escaped, minus his left arm and ran deep into the Underground beneath the domes, using all his survival skills to evade the Crusaders. Through his contacts, Drukon managed to secure a small dwelling in the Underground region of Sorat and began to run experiments on the infant, eventually naming her “Marian” after his daughter who had died in infancy.

Marian grew rapidly into a small child, with little memory of anything before the age of eight. All she could recall was vague sensations of pain, rage, fear, and above all and overpowering hunger. Despite this amnesia regarding her past, Marian rarely thought of it, as life with Drukon kept her constantly occupied and entertained. The dwarf taught her to read and write, as well as about the history of the world such as the Pariahs that had driven mortal-kind to construct the domes and the Crusader Order which ruled the world beneath those domes. While Drukon told her of the bravery and sacrifices of mortal-kind's knights, he equally stressed just how dangerous they could be, and told her to avoid them at any cost, no matter what.

Apart from history, the dwarven mage taught her basic survival, since life in the Underground was cutthroat and brutal. Nevertheless, Drukon instructed Marian on how to thrive in this environment through a mixture of cunning, ruthlessness, and genuine kindness to others to form a network of reliable allies. After watching Drukon use magic to slaughter a group of thugs attempting to assault them Marian begged him to teach her, and he finally gave in after much badgering...however she was disappointed when she could not perform even the smallest spell, no matter how she tried. Drukon's immense sorrow at her inability to produce magic puzzled her, but he quickly managed to hide his reaction and she soon forgot about it.

The hunger that plagued Marian's fuzzy early memories returned often...and could only be sated by the consumption of a mortal. Drukon provided Marian with a supply of victims; dying or truly evil individuals who would either have died or been better off dead, he told her. When Marian tried to relate her need to kill to the sense of right and wrong Drukon had taught her, the mage explained that she was a "special existence". Nothing that she did because of her nature was wrong in itself, as long as she did not harm the innocent. Marian aged far faster than any mortal child, and as she grew into a young adult, Drukon taught her how to hunt on her own and how to deduce who should be devoured and who should be left to live their lives in peace.

When Marian was eleven years old, the Second Fall struck the nation of Tenug-Under-The-Sun. The Crusader Order had labeled the dwarven race Deep God supporters and overwhelmed their borders, killing and destroying all they could reach. As desperate dwarves fled into the Underground, Drukon solemnly told Marian that he had to go to the surface to confront the Crusader Order. When Marian pleaded with him not to go, his grim facade crumbled and he tearfully told her that the persecution of the dwarves was their fault, both of them. He apologized to her for his outburst, and to someone named Anna. Before Marian could further protest, he left, promising that he would be back when he could. He instructed her to find a Wood Elf named Fion in Murok city and to tell her who sent her, and obey the woman’s orders.

Marian eventually traveled to the city of Murok on the edge of the Eastern Dome, and located Fion who, after a brief but intense training period, put her to work as a courier of messages between those who disdained or couldn’t use the official postal service.

  • Relevant Tropes:

  • Abusive Parents: Played with. Drukon's reason for disobeying Marlene's order to kill the infant Marian and running away with her into the Underground had nothing to do with paternal feelings or tenderness. He recognized that having a fragment of the Deep God presented opportunities for mortal-kind to study its greatest enemy and analyzing it. Understanding that Marlene was far too zealous and driven by revenge to think of such things, he took it into his own hands. He spent the first two years of Marian's life experimenting on her by testing her healing abilities, and seeing how long she could go without sustenance, all while making records of his findings. However as time went on and Marian gained sentience, he slowly began to feel an attachment to her and what had been a cold arrangement between the mage and his "specimen" became a genuine father/daughter relationship.

  • The Ageless: It is theorized in one of Drukon's journals that Marian will never age or grow past the appearance she has now, since the fragment of the Deep God that devoured Anna replicated her down to her exact details except her memories. Thus Marian can't change because it doesn't know how to progress forward in terms of physical appearance for Anna's shape.

  • An Arm and a Leg: Her right arm is sliced off by the closing of Lejna's gate during the 23rd Incursion when the White Knights seal the slum's entrances and exits from the Underground in an effort to use the citizens as "bait" for the Pariahs invading the city of Murok while they think of countermeasures. Of course thanks to her Healing Factor, she regrows it.

  • Arch-Enemy: She has this feeling towards the Deep God since Drukon taught her like every other mortal child that the Deep God is responsible for the Pariahs and torments mortal-kind out of petty jealousy for its brother, the High God. After having most of the people she cared for drained of their Essence and eaten, she centers a lot of her hate on the Deep God and as she is forced into serving as the "weapon" for the Black Knights, that hatred deepens as she uses it to take out her frustrations. That is perhaps why she takes it so hard when Marlene brutally reveals her true nature as a piece of the god.

  • Anti-Hero: Of the Nominal variety. Marian wanted nothing to do with the Forever War between the Crusader Order and the Pariahs—and to be fair, most citizens of the domes shared her sentiments, having given up a long time ago. Then the 23rd Incursion came, Murok city's White Knights locked the gates to the Underground slums and the result was the loss of everyone she had come to know and work alongside of in the years since Drukon had left her. That made her mad and taking her rage out on the Pariahs responsible was what landed her in the Crusaders custody in the first place. For her part, Marian hates the Order both because of Drukon's warnings and because of their callous treatment of the poor and downtrodden—but she knows that they hold the keys to killing the Pariahs and maybe making that goal a reality.

    • Even her original reason for saving Hope was rather shallow; the representatives of the Children of the Outer World refused to pay the promised fee for the food supplies she was dropping off in Lejna and Marian knew she would be in a huge amount of trouble with Fion for failing to collect it. She figured that Hope was just another one of their human sacrifices and cutting the boy's restraints and letting him run free was just a bit of petty revenge at first.

  • Bad Boss: Fion, Marian's boss in Murok before things went to hell was one of these par excellence. The Wood Elf put all her recruits through Training from Hell, and if they didn't bring back the exact amount of money she had agreed upon with a client beforehand, she would have them either flogged or thrown out of the courier group and blacklisted—which for some was far worse. While Marian disliked her tactics, she never had a problem with collection, and thus she slightly admired the harshness with which Fion operated...until the Children of the Outer World stiffed her for the fee of course.

  • Badass: Of all Fion's couriers Marian is considered the best in hand-to-hand combat and was actually able to fight Fion herself to a draw. When she combines these bare-handed attacks with slashes and blows from her crystal "wings" she turns into a killing machine that can deal out death with every strike. While it takes at least five Black Knights to take out a single ordinary Pariah, all Marian has to do is make contact with one and desire to eat, and she can absorb the creature into her body within minutes. She manages to do this to 20 Pariahs in the attack on Murok once she gets the hang of it. That number includes the Union Project that was leading the invasion.

  • Badass in Distress: Twice. After a close battle with Kajack, she is hit by a blast of lightning by Vania which allows Kajack to punch a hole through his skull, knocking her out and allowing the two Rock Elves to capture her and head outside the domes. The entire Crusader Order is mobilized to rescue her, and a massive operation ensues to confront the two and bring back the only known way to kill Pariahs so easily without the Golden Sword.

    • The second time is far more serious after she and Hope are taken away by the Red Knights, who cut a swath through the Black Knights while doing so. Team 24 and the Black Knights in general are forced to start an uprising against the entire established Crusader Order just to have a fighting chance of getting Marian back alive, since their enemy this time is the Guardian-Knight who rules the domes and their sworn superior.

  • Band of Brothers: Team 24 slowly becomes this to Marian even though they disliked having her with them and vocally complained about the injustice of having a "monster" on their team and wondered what higher up they'd pissed off to earn the punishment. However several battles outside the domes together and witnessing her ability to devour Pariahs firsthand slowly turned their disgust and fear to grudging acceptance and finally to genuine friendship. When Marian is abducted by the Red Knights, even though some of them are put off by the idea of rebelling against the Order and House Landry, they follow Glenn and Kiera to do so in order to get back a member of their team.

  • Best Friend: Isolated among the Black Knights who regard her as a weapon or a monster, Hope slowly grows to be her sole confidante, and vice-versa. The two of them talk to one another about their lives and backgrounds and bond over the fact that they both survived a horrific situation and that Marian saved Hope's life. This friendship is tested deeply when Hope is asked to kill Marian and he finds out what she is, but is strong enough to survive even that.

  • Big "NO!": She lets out several of these when the people of Lejna are prevented from escaping into the surface city of Murok by the gates behind shut against them, trapping them with the Pariah hordes that are ravaging the slum. She does this while slamming her bloody stump of her right arm into the shut gate.

    • Marian: "No! No! NO! I refuse to die like this, you bastards! I refuse to let any more people die like this! You were supposed to protect all of us!"

  • Big Damn Heroes: Upon finding herself and Hope trapped in front of the gate to Murok with hundreds of terrified people and cornered by the Pariahs who have run out of prey in the rest of Lejna, Marian becomes so furious and terrified at the thought of being killed like animals in a pen, she punched one of them in the tip of its tentacle as it came for them... which let her absorb it into her body.

    • She transforms into her true form through the knowledge that she is not mortal and the burning desire to stop Hope and all of Team 24 from being crushed by the rubble of the rapidly collapsing Six Towers or consumed by the white flames of Marlene's Pariah. The result is that she saves everyone inside—not just those she wanted to, but everyone—by holding up the ruins with her true body's tendrils and throwing Marlene several miles away.

  • The Call Knows Where You Live: Pariahs were funneled directly into her neighborhood as a result of the White Knights trying to buy time through the sacrifice of Murok city's "undesirables" and the result was the horrific deaths of hundreds of people, all of Marian's friends and acquaintances among them. She emerged from this chaos and destruction seething with rage, and even if she hates the circumstances under which she aids the Black Knights, she isn't complaining too hard.

  • Cold-Blooded Torture: This is really the only way to describe what Marlene did to Marian while she and Hope were in the Guardian-Knight's custody after they were forcibly taken back by the Red Knights. After having Marian wrapped in chains forged from a Hero's crystallized body—which inflicted severe pain and weakness—she then has Marian taken to the Chamber of Empowerment—an entire room made of the same substance, weakening her further—and has her arms wrapped in chains that end in spikes impaled through her hands. And that's only the physical aspect of this abuse. See Mind Rape.

  • Daddy's Girl: Marian adored Drukon and in his own way he came to love her as well. Another of his journals mention that the love he felt for Marian almost allowed him to forget what she was. Finding out that Marlene tortured and eventually killed him contributes to her downward spiral into a Heroic BSoD.

  • Driving Question: Just what Marian is, drives a lot of the plot, almost as much as the mysteries behind the Pariahs and the Golden Sword.

  • Eerie Pale-Skinned Brunette: Pale skin and black hair? Check. Dark, sleep-deprived circles under the eyes that have been there since birth, with creepy red veins visible beneath the skin? Check. Justified, since Anna spent a great deal of time beneath the ground before being killed, processed and copied by the Deep God, so Marian's skin is pale from the original's lack of exposure to sunlight and bad sleeping habits from pouring over old records for days on end.

  • Eldritch Abomination: Her true form is an array of crystal-like tendrils that are taller than most castles and covered with eyes and mouths that whisper unintelligible words. The eyes cause people to feel as if their minds are being read like books, and the eyes themselves actually contribute to the whispering being spoken by the mouths. Everyone who beholds it is terrified out of their minds...well, except for Kiera and Hope who's too traumatized by the events of the last few minutes to really feel much of anything.

  • Face Stealer: The fragment of the Deep God that resided in the tunnel and devoured Anna Listar took on her shape and form exactly, starting out as an infant and slowly growing until it resembled her exactly as she was when she had died. However the fusion was incomplete, which is why Marian is...well, Marian. Anna's identity was unable to be copied or assimilated to create a perfect replica. However Marian's complete change in behavior when she temporarily assumes her true form implies that the fragment is using Anna's general personality as a template for how to act when looking and feeling like a mortal, otherwise it would be unable to relate at all.

  • Find the Cure!: Marian's ability to eat the Pariahs actually cures them by forcing their souls through her and back into the physical bodies they left behind when they became Pariahs in the first place. She is the cure for the Pariah affliction, and that is why the "Big City" infiltrators want her, Vania and Kajack willing to risk and forfeit their lives to bring her to their settlement. Their terror of what the ignorant domed citizens will do to her is far bigger than their fear of reprisal for their failure to destroy the Golden Sword.

  • Foil: To Hope. Both of them were raised by parental figures who abused them—Drukon physically at first and Marlene psychologically—both of them express extreme loyalty to their parents despite being separated from them and both eventually have to deal with their deaths. Furthermore Hope is a member of the Landry family, the old reliable way of dealing with the Pariahs while Marian is...new and different.

  • Holy Burns Evil: Objects connected to the Golden Sword and the Sword itself cause incredible pain and weakness when she is touched by them. This naturally gave rise to the thinking that Marian's powers must be connected to the Pariahs, since she suffers such a reaction from the holy sword made to kill them. The trope is actually inverted—the Golden Sword was made by the closest beings to demons in the story.

  • Humanoid Abomination: Even without knowledge of what she is, Marian's powers put her in this category. In fact, Glenn and Kiera just took it for granted that she was some sort of humanoid Union Project that had gone rogue or developed true intelligence...not that the idea stopped them from the thought of using her against the Pariahs.

  • Identical Stranger: Marian looks just like Anna due to the Deep God having stolen her form when it devoured her. This is why Drukon didn't want Marian wandering around among the Crusaders; even after fifteen years, they were bound to have their portraits on file and know that something wasn't right when "Anna" appeared. This likeness also tormented him as Marian grew older though he tried to hide his discomfort for her sake. The fact that he fed Anna to the Deep God by purposely tripping her to hinder her ability to escape contributed greatly to this sentiment.

  • I Just Want to Have Friends: Marian finally admits to herself that she actually does feel a longing for connection and companionship among the Black Knights and deeply misses her friends from the Underground. After this she tries harder to initiate conversations and make some acquaintances in Team 24 at least. And it works.

  • Interspecies Friendship: Marian takes this a step further than the usual examples, considering the different races that live beneath the domes. She isn't even mortal so that makes things a little more interesting.

  • "It" Is Dehumanizing: Many people refer to Marian as an "it" rather than "she" after she saves Murok by consuming Rakzal and scattering its army of Pariahs. They do so because they genuinely believe her to be an even worse monster than a Pariah or Union Project, since the only ones truly capable of stopping an Incursion for the past two hundred years have been Heroes of the Golden Sword. Marlene also uses this phrase a great deal, and becomes furious when someone refers to Marian as a person in her presence. When Hope continually does so, she clearly is angry but holds her tongue.

  • Kill the God: This is what Marlene Landry has been planning since Drukon revealed the infant Marian was a part of the Deep God. Her plot was to use the Golden Sword's innate ability to destroy that which belongs to the Deep God to kill a fragment of the deity and let the damage travel through its connection and kill it once and for all, destroying the Pariahs and freeing the world of its presence...as well as giving Marlene the revenge she sought for so long for Joel and Godric. In reality, this action would have done little to stop the Pariah menace, since the Deep God did not create them, the Makers did. It would however have destroyed the Deep God's last attempt at trying to return the world to the way it was before, and allowed the Makers to devour it at long last.

  • Lightning Bruiser: The crystal "wings" Marian can grow from her back are incredibly fast like blurs and can cut an object apart in almost the blink of an eye.

  • Mind Rape: Marian suffers a mundane yet exceptionally brutal version of it at the hands of Marlene and her own psyche. While immobile and imprisoned in the Chamber of Empowerment beneath Six Towers, Marlene begins playing the records of Anna and Drukon’s mission to Tenug-Under-The-Earth, particularly Anna’s audio journal. Marian is horrified to hear the sound of her own voice emanating from the recorder, and the shock of it triggers a memory from Anna’s point of view of being consumed while Marian remembers being born. In other words, she remembered dying painfully and being “birthed” at the same time, and she screams as she realizes just what it means.

    • Hope: "Marian! Mother, what's going on? What's happening to her?"

    • Marlene: "Nothing is happening that shouldn't have occurred long ago, Hope. It merely understands now, the true horror of its foul and fearsome existence."

  • Motherly Side Plait: The side of her head that isn't shaved in preparation for a new tattoo has this as her hairstyle. Which makes sense, because Anna had a two year old son when she was killed.

  • Power Tattoo: Marian has an elaborate runic tattoo on her right arm that runs from her shoulder down to her fingertips. On Anna, it was this trope, a series of runes that would hopefully enhance her ability to mold and shape her Essence to increase the potency of her magic. However on Marian it is nothing more than an elaborate birthmark. The same goes for the tattoo on her head; Anna was preparing to have a new one inked there when she returned from the expedition...

  • Red Baron: After Marian saved the city of Murok, people began to call her "the Miracle of Murok"...until the priests of the High God became enraged at the sacrilege and pressured the Crusader Order to begin cracking down on such speech. So instead, Marian's name became the "Maid of the Underground" for how she had cleaned out all the Pariahs down there before heading to the surface to do the same up above. This just further irritated the Order, since they just rather no one talked about it.

  • Winged Humanoid: When her crystal wing constructs are growing from her back of course.

  • Woman In White: Marlene has Marian clothed in a long white dress when she's taken to the Chamber to be killed by Hope with the Golden Sword.

  • Wrestler in All of Us: Marian is a master of hand-to-hand combat. Fion had all her couriers learn these moves due to the fact that weapons such as swords and guns are illegal for ordinary civilians to possess in the domes and are only given to members of the Crusader Order.

  • You Are Better Than You Think You Are: Hope all but screams this when she is ready to give up and die, in order to let the world be free of the Deep God's evil. Whenever Marian mentions that she has to die, he screams a good deed she has done, reminding her of her title, the "Maid of the Underground" who saved the people of Murok and tells her that he'll keep saying it as many times as he has to.

    • This being said while the most powerful and terrifying Pariah in the story yet—one formed from his own mother's soul—is materializing right in front of them.

  • Younger Than They Look: Marian is only fifteen, but she looks like she's in her late twenties due to Anna's actual age. While the gap between her mental age and her physical age is there, it isn't as big as one would think, since Drukon tried to educate her heavily to compensate for this inevitable problem.

edited 7th Feb '16 12:43:22 AM by Swordofknowledge

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake. — Edgar Walllace
Kakai from somewhere in Europe Since: Aug, 2013
#799: Feb 7th 2016 at 3:28:26 AM

[up]I believe I've mentioned this before, but I really like your character designs. Marian looks cool, although I wonder if, with those red tendrils under her skin, more people wouldn't realize something's up with her before she hulks out. As for her personality, it's interesting and fascinating how her initial presumptions and what she's been raised with clash with what happens in the story, which makes her Heroic BSoD at Marlene's news all the more powerful. Marian seems to be fitting the protagonist mantle more than Hope does, really. Her backstory is pretty dark, but certainly fits the story, although her The Knights Who Say "Squee!" attitude towards mages is funny. I think she needs something like this, with all that's hapenning. On another note, many of her moments have quite an Awesome potential.

I am not entirely certain about her powerset, though. The way I see it, it matters little that she has regular human strength and "splashability" when she can create tendrils and other Deep God's weapons out of her skin. Add to that the fact that she can absorb mortals and Pariahs, and I'm not sure how the Red Knights manage to abduct her and how Kajack K.O.s her. I'd say there's some discrepancy between what she's described as being able to do and what she's going through.

Also, is it just me or are all the supposed responsible adults of the story kind of bastards? I mean, first Marlene, now Drukon (I know he got better, but still), and Fion's a Jerkass as well... Not that this is super-imortant, but is anyone in position of responsibility under the Domes a good guy?

So a tl;dr - while I think her powers need some nerfing, as a character Marian's really interesting and complex, and certainly will be fascinating to read about.

edited 7th Feb '16 3:28:57 AM by Kakai

Rejoice!
Ikedatakeshi Baby dango from singapore Since: Nov, 2015 Relationship Status: Singularity
Baby dango
#800: Feb 8th 2016 at 7:31:51 PM

[up][up]I agree with Kakai. Her abilities really make her weaknesses seem completely avoidable, since she can fight in a reasonable distance without using her own limbs. It's ironic when someone trained by a mage, who are usually weak in physical combat, doesn't know the importance of maintaining distance when you can't fight hand to hand. The only way this would be a weakness would be that her enemies comprises of people with super speed or reflexes that allow them to dodge her attacks while getting close. She is clearly a better protagonist while Hope seems more like a side character who is a Living MacGuffin. Their tropes and character are usually associated by characters of opposite genders. If you don't believe me, try reversing their genders, and you can probably find many stories where a sheltered princess who is a Living MacGuffin forced into sacrificing herself by her family, forced from her usual environment and become friends with a street smart man with cool powers. The female character would have powers associated with light to signify her pureness while the Badass male character would have edgy dark powers. Most of the time, they are not treated as equal, with the female being a more frequent Damsel in Distress, captured by her family and the male character have to lead his team of badasses to rescue her, and the male is the one usually solving problems and fighting enemies, while the female is in support duty. I sincerely hope you are actually make them be equals when you say they are both protagonists, not making a similar situation like the above. I've seen stories where they claim to have two protagonists, but is obviously biased towards one gender.


Total posts: 1,390
Top