Villain Critique Thread (Because Its About Damn Time!)

Setting?

Sometime, in the early 2000 someone created a MMORPG where people could visit a world of wonders and marvels as of terror and weirdness. But that game was special, you could leave the world itself and go into it. It never was a game, at least not for humans.

But people stayed there, they could go and came back with their only worry being not dying inside it. They had a world where anyone could become stronger and reach the top.

Then, a mysterious being almost destroyed said world but it was stopped for a small group of heroes who lost members in their brave effort. The survivors made their own lifes while leaving the seeds for the next generations. But this didn't mean that they abandonned their old life, and some just wanted more of it...

Name: Joanna Lucero

Age: 34-35 years old.

Role in the story: Big Bad Wannabe defeated for the real Big Bad.

Abilities: Green Thumb Up To Eleven, she can control life so well that she can recover herself of almost any injury except starvation or asfixia. She can seal her enemies in trees and use magical flowers to recover herself.

Weakness: Besides the emotional issues, she is weak to fire and ice and while she can shield and heal herself, the damage can be lasting if done well and manages to reach her "root"

Appareance: A attractive woman usually using a formal dress in the real world most of the time, in the Other Side she is usually wearing a more elaborate dress of dark and red colors. She has light brown eyes who emmit a weird hollow feeling and a long and curly dark hair in a classic Raven Hair, Ivory Skin way.

Personality: She used to be The Chick of her old group, she was clumsy and excentric which quickly made her popular. Now? She had become even more popular and desired for others. But, behind the facade of a socially awkard single mother that also leads a political campaign in her city, she is a massive Abusive Mother that wants to re-experience her youth using her daughters, focusing in her younger one. And the lenghts that she does take to do it are just nasty, emotional, physical and sexual abuse are something that she does in a regular basis. Discovering what lead to said change is a big part of the story.

Goals: She develop a goal in her life, which was nothing but becoming the most powerful human ever to overcome age and not only stay young and never wither (she does compare herself to flowers a lot), but control her own age and thus being "eternal" at being Young, old, infant and adult at her whim. She knows how to do it, but she needs a lot of power that she really can't gather because her powers can only go far...but her daughters can thanks to their dad' genetic powers.

Tropes

Abusive Parents: She is one taken to ridiculous levels, her mother was one too but Joanna took it Up To Eleven. Besides the very human abuse to her daughters, she does stuff as manipulating them to kill each other by "cutting their fruit" in order, so the surviving one would become stronger and take revenge in her. When that happens, Joanna would then kill said daughter by taking her fruit and devouring it to reach her glorious Flor Eterna.

Black Widow: Subverted. She didn't kill her husband despite all what happened, her husband was murdered for one of their enemies and she crossed the Despair Event Horizon and firmly put her in her Start of Darkness. Albeit, she know would like to have killed him given that then she could have reach her Eternity easily.

Evil Witch: She is by far mean to be this archetype. She is completely this in personality.

Sexy Witch: Her appareance, she was a Cute Witch when she was younger and even now she can be quite Adorkable in her good moments.

Widow Witch: Well. Yeah.

Reconstruction: She is basically a Classic Witch in all but name. Fullfilling every trope of them at every detail. However, this far from making her less horrible it just enchances her awfulness as a person.

Love Father, Love Son: More like Love Mother, Love Daughter. She is pretty open in her intention of banging her daughter' boyfriend. And is as Squicky as it sounds when you remember that her daughter and her boyfriend were teenagers. She genuinely knows the emotional harm that she causes, she don't care.

Rape Is a Special Kind of Evil: Let's say that she really did harass her daughters.

Freudian Excuse Is No Excuse: She had a bad life, really bad with a couple of Abusive Parents. But how she react? By being way worse than anything else and Kick the Dog to her own family.

No Sympathy: At the end, this is how everyone react to her.

Offing the Offspring: She effectively wanted kill her daughters. She really wouldn't like to do it but she still go for it in order to reach eternity.

Arch-Enemy: Beside her daughters she also had the real Big Bad, the Shining Knight who despite the name is not really a Knight in Shining Armor.

If I Can't Have You…: Her death, to put it midly. The details are pretty complex.

Edited by KazuyaProta on Aug 13th 2018 at 2:17:07 PM

Watch me destroying my country

Reminds me of that evil vampire woman from that weird anime - she was a terrible mother, and its obvious this person used the freedom of the new world more or less just to indulge every bad inclination she has.

But there are bigger fish out there, and she runs afoul of one of them.

I like it.

---

Considering Jake has changed a bit in my mind's eye, I figured I should submit him again.

• Name: Jake A. Wistinzki

• Age: 17

• Personality: Jake at first seems like a quiet and witty but beleaguered nerd - he and his friends Thad and Adien are the lowest on the social totem pole, which shaped their perceptions of the world in various ways. In Jake's case, this affixed him with a singular rage and a sense of mean-spirited snark. If offered the chance, he'll happily dish out remarks at "muscle-heads" and "roid monkeys" - though what seems like high school antagonism gives way over time to a hateful inferiority-superiority complex. He feels with his brilliant mind and "unique perception", he should HAVE all the girls in the school, feeling entitled to not only their bodies, but to their worth. Jake's plans go the whole gamut from simply wanting to humiliate Matthew and the other athletes to outright wanting to kill them, though he hides the latter from his friends as best he can. Jake is known in the more supernatural world for being quite alarmingly friendly with some downright nasty customers. This hints at a lack of value placed on his own life. Jake flat out doesn't care about the lives of most people, even himself, just that he gets what he wants out of a situation. While he and his friends are basically New Dawn's version of The Trio, Jake evolves in his malignance quite quickly.

• Abilities: Jake is mostly a Badass Normal except for the times he hops himself up on supernatural artifacts. His chief asset is his alarmingly brilliant mind. While his affluent upbringing

• Weaknesses: Evil Cannot Comprehend Good; Jake just plain cannot understand why anyone would make choices that don't align with their stereotype or archetype. Like many guys like him, he also can't understand why people don't choose selfishness.

• Goals: Revenge against "my persecutors".

• Motivation: Jake claims he "has a story of the sheer malfeasance of the jocks, the unabashed cruelty that lies at the heart of the American Sportsman. The proof you cannot trust them." The story is actually that Jake mocked Aron Smith in middle school for putting on a bit of pudge, and got yelled at by Matthew for how mean the remarks he made were. However, his athletic older brothers may play a role.

• Role in the story: Seemingly the Big Bad Wannabe. Kills his way straight to the Big Bad role.

• Backstory: Jake's backstory is basic, simple, and with utterly no abnormal things going on - he's simply a nerd from a rich family. His older brothers Clay and Dennis were always more athletic than him, and while they gave him grief over it, they ultimately tried to tone it down and respect him. However by then Jake was more or less set in his ways, and only got worse with time.

• Relevant Tropes:
• All Men Are Perverts: Jake's crimes, nature, a good deal of his comments, and such are very heavily sexually involved. Though interestingly, he seems to assign a role of shame to his classmates in these risque fantasies he has for having sex.
• All Guys Want Cheerleaders: Jake wants the head cheerleader, who he assumes to be "fucking Matthew day in day out". When she turns out to be a lesbian, Jake immediately leaps to "she's a lesbian until Matt shows up in just his jockstrap."
• Ambiguously Bi: For all Jake is a pervert with lust for a lot of women, he seems to think a lot of Matthew in various sexual connotations and looks. When Jake is asked if he's "got something" for Matthew, he flushes and then says "Hate for him, yeah. Hate hate hate!"
• Ambiguously Jewish: Averted - its mostly just his last name. His father is a Republican Fundraiser, and his mother a former senator from Wyoming. This doesn't stop him from thinking he can make some quite off color jokes about it.
• Arch-Enemy: Matthew is his. He interprets Matthew's nerdier interests as mockery, and tries to do anything he can to harm the big man on campus. More or less just because he thinks he deserves it.
• Deadpan Snarker: A version decidedly not played for comedy. Jake is a whirling whirlwind of mean, sarcastic remarks.
  • "Watch out gentlemen, the great ape is scaling the building!" Said to a heavy linebacker trying to do a rope climbing exercise in PE.
  • "What's Jackson White doing here? No girls to rape on the sofa? You're a lowly animal, White, and you should've been put down like one." It wasn't Jackson that time, and Jake's remark almost made Jackson "either slug him or break down crying."
  • "Ohh Matthew's on the move...wonder what the dumb blond forgot this time. His backpack? OOK ME MATT TOO BUFF TO NOTICE POONY PACK FELL OFF SHOULDER!"
• Deconstruction: Of the typical nerd in the Revenge of the Nerds type of franchise. What they do that is deemed okay in the course of revenge is seen as creepy, obsessive behavior. His sexual entitlement is also given a distinctly unsympathetic look.
• Even Evil Has Standards: Believe it or not. Jake claims to have "too many standards" to bring "one of those incel types" on board. Considering everything else about Jake, though, and it becomes more "he finally found someone lowly enough for him to look down on". He's probably if anything worse.
  • "Those guys are fucking dumb. They post all the time about these dumbass fantasies. I prefer...doing than writing about doing."
• Evil Costume Switch: More like Eviler Costume Switch, but after a certain point, he starts gelling his hair back, and wearing a long coat over his nerdy apparel. As Matthew puts it "...and he's gone from scheming nerd to I Can't Believe Its Not A Columbine Shooter. Christ on a Bike, Jake."
• Jerk Justifications: He claims he has free speech and should be free to say all he does without consequence. He either doesn't know or more likely doesn't care that the first amendment does not mean he is free of consequences from his speech.
• Laughably Evil: When not horrid, Jake's schemes trend toward goofy but potentially deadly. He rigs footballs to explode with dangerous force, brainwashes several of the football team's girlfriends into being freaking ninja assassins, and at one point hijacks a Magic Side Kill Sat...to carve JOCKS SUCK on to the Mojave Desert.
  • "What's the program telling it to carv—-its Jake. I know it. Only he'd do this, for such a petty scheme."
  • Averted however when he goes and does outright sinister things beyond the typical scheme.
• Loners Are Freaks: Outside of his two friends, Jake is mostly friendless. The students assume he is a creepy nerd, but have little idea how far he's willing to go.
• Motive Decay: He started out wanting to diminish the hegemony of the jocks. By the end of his fourth appearance, he's some demented combination of Warren Mears and The Joker.
• Mundanger: For all the deadliness of various magical creatures and monsters, Jake is just as dangerous and evil as many of the magical monsters.
• Politically Incorrect Villain: A die-hard misogynist who believes he is entitled to women. His remarks to African American and Asian athletes are also quite racial in tone, mostly just to hurt them the deepest.
  • "Better keep my mouth shut around Chung. If I humiliate him too much he might run outside and slice his belly open with his sword."
• Proud to Be a Geek: Jake is very proud of his membership in nerd-dom, and embraces even the more questionable tropes that have come to be associated with being a nerd. He has a corresponding distaste for those who associate with athletes or play a sport.
  • "They are the enemy. They always have been."
• Slasher Smile: Jake is stated to "grin like a ghoul" when he finally has an upperhand via his gun. In general he is quite fond of Nightmare Face type expressions, including his eyes doing odd things and crooked smiles.
• The Sociopath: Among other things potentially. Jake alludes to being visited by a psychologist, and being diagnosed with "two dozen things". He claims he "enjoys thinking about violence", and says "...kinda wish the Columbine guys hanged around that one parking spot and knee-capped that one popular jock guy." He seems to have interest in "equalizing" the social hierarchy by acid attacks...
• Shut Up, Kirk!: "Nice evaluation. Let me show you my summation, Kirk - self destruct, Betty." (his superpowered robotic maid promptly shoots him a look of abject betrayal, and starts sobbing while counting down from fifteen.)
• Supervillain Packing Heat: Following his friendship with Gustavo, the Lord Eclipse gives him a gun. This gets a distressing amount of use. "You wanna hurt a jock? Shoot him in the kneecaps. Can't lift or play sports when you don't have legs. Optional bonus points go to pissing on his letterman."
• Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?: Jake is fond of forceful reactions. When they have "meddlers" at their mercy, Thad asks what they should do. Jake happily pulls out his gun and says "I have three bullets with their names on em." Thad then says "...er, I wasn't saying we should KILL them Jake..."
• Would Hurt a Child: When he hears the mayor's son joined the soccer team at age 12, Jake plans on putting a bomb in the kid's birthday cake. "Kill your jocks early or they'll plague your house." Even Gustavo just stands there looking a little astonished.
• Villain Team-Up: Mostly with Lord Eclipse Gustavo - Jake is the brains of the operation, Gustavo is the brawn.

Edited by NickTheSwing on Aug 14th 2018 at 2:31:01 AM

While I like the core concept a lot, I think that the execution is just too...unsubtle, so much that it ironically come off as mean by itself.

Like, the amount of effort that he put in his grudge against jocks cross the line to ridiculous pretty easily, so much that is impossible take him seriously as a villain. Several of the elements are pretty good, but is the exaggeration what makes him a bit too...dumb. Him becoming the Big Bad would be really hard to sell because, damn, he is so damn grudgy and uncharming that is hard to believe how he is gonna do it.

Ironically, my next villain is another Incel-like Mysoginist Nerd. So stay tuned and let's compare our villains.

Watch me destroying my country

Sorry, NickTheSwing, but I must to agree with KazuyaProta. The general execution of Jake's character is... lackluster so say the least. I can't take Jake seriously at all. His hatred towards jocks is so irrational, that I doubt he would ever become a legitimate Big Bad. His unreasonably big grudge [Kill mayor's son because he joined a soccer club? That's messed up] is his biggest character flaw and looks like a potential weakness to me. Hatred and pride blinds people easily, no matter how smart they are. No offense.

---

Anyway, I want to continue with my antagonists for the Trapped in Another World story. This time, it's a member of Kane's Five Bad Band, a dark elf named Araza.

• Name: Araza
• Age: 35 (very young for an elf)
• Personality: Araza is a devoted servant of empress Salaza and sorcerer Kane. She dedicated her life to serve her race. She will do anything for her people. She dislikes other races, but High Elves and Humans take the top spot. Especially Humans (she has her reasons). Kane and Mizar (Beastman and Evil Genius of the Five Bad Band) are trying to make her abandon her racism with somewhat positive results. She surprisingly likes Wood Elves though.
• Appearance: Araza is an attractive young lady. Like all Dark Elves, Araza has brown-colored skin and pointy ears. Her hair is long and silver. She always wears traditional Dark Elf Scout outfit under her cloak. [ NOTE: Dark Elves design-wise are based of the ones in Gate - Thus the JSDF Fought There ]
• Abilities: Like every Dark Elf, Araza has high affinity towards Dark and Fire magic. With her Dark magic, she can blend with the shadows, becoming invisible in poorly lit places or at night. Her Fire magic allows her to throw fireballs or create a powerful stream of flames. Like all Scouts in Dark Elf Army, she is fast on her feet and is an expert with a bow or daggers.
• Weaknesses: Araza is a Fragile Speedster. While she's fast and hard to hit, one solid hit can eliminate her from the fight. Also, she's inexperienced with magic (she always preferred her daggers and bow). As a result, she unnecessarily wastes a lot of her mana when casting spells. Kane is currently trying to rectify the mana problem.
• Goals: Fulfill her masters' plan in destroying Kingdom of Firana.
• Motivation: Avenge her mother's death at the hands of Firanians and free all of her enslaved brethren.
• Role in the story: The Dark Chick of Kane's Five Bad Band and potential love interest for The Protagonist.
• Relevant Tropes:
  • Knife Nut: She's quite dangerous with her twin daggers.
  • Bow and Sword in Accord: More like Bow and Twin Daggers, but still.
  • Friendly Sniper: Quite friendly if you're on her good terms. Also, she is very accurate with her bow.
  • Affably Evil: If Kane and/or empress Salaza respects you, she will be polite to you.
  • Magic Knight: Not only talented with a bow and daggers, but also gifted with powerful magic.
  • Fragile Speedster: As mentioned in her weaknesses, Araza is fast. Though it may be hard to hit her, one solid hit may put her down.
  • Fantastic Racism: She dislikes other races, especially Humans and High Elves. Thanks to Kane and Mizar's influence, she seems to be slowly dropping her hatred, with the exception to High Elves.
  • You Are a Credit to Your Race: Kane was the first human she didn't hate, as he defied all of her expectations of a human (lying and greedy bastard) and helped Dark Elves prosper.
  • Undying Loyalty: Towards empress Salaza and Kane.
  • You Killed My Mother: One of her major reasons to hate Humans. Araza's mother, who was a simple merchant, was kidnapped by pirates and sold as a slave to one of Firana's noble houses. She died not long before Kane dealt with the nobles.
  • Red Baron: She is known as "Kane's Shadow"
  • The Dreaded: Firanians fear her since she killed High Lord Ashworth (veteran of 4th Demon War, who killed a Daemon Prince) by herself and sent his head to the king.
  • Ship Tease: With both Mizar and The Protagonist
  • Foe Romance Subtext: Her interactions with The Protagonist will look like this
  • Odd Friendship: With Geb, Kane's Arkanite, sentient golem
  • Villainous Friendship: With the Five Bad Band
  • Even Evil Has Loved Ones: She loves her family, especially her mother. Also, she cares for her people.
  • Long-Lived: Like all elves, she has a longer lifespan than humans.
  • Politically Incorrect Villain: She was this before Kane and Mizar decided to do something with it.
  • Anti-Villain: In the end, she is this, like Kane and the rest of his Five Bad Band
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: Her methods might be even more brutal than Kane's, but she still fights to improve the lives of many
    
    

I might have to work on her a little bit. Especially with her potential interactions with The Protagonist.

I will become a great writer one day! Hopefully...

While the motivations are kinda fine, I can't avoid but thinking that she is kinda, dunno...boring. Sorry if coming harsh, but is just that "humans killed my mom, so fuck them" + being the Love Interest to the MC + being a sexy dark elf just come as...generic?

This is the same setting as Joanna. Let's talk about The Big Bad himself, or more exactly, the ultimate winner of The Big Bad Shuffle

Name: The Shining Knight. Real Name: Jonathan "Jon" Caballero

Age: 34-35 years old.

Role in the story: Big Bad.

Appareance: A Badass in a Nice Suit who uses a white Knight Helm to cover his own face. Usually carrying a sable . All his clothes are white. Without his helm, his face is described as Average, not particularly attractive but not really ugly. However, he does have some eye bags.

Abilities: Swordmanship skills and Light 'em Up powers who he uses to empower his sword. With this, he manages to do a lot more of crazy stuff as leaving the cuts itself in the air and control them for distance and as ridiculous as it sounds, Short-range teleportation. Unlike his fellow Big Bad Wannabe, he actually trains instead of only relying in stealing powers from others, not that he wouldn't do it when he can.

Weakness: He is a Fragile Speedster. He can be heavily hurt if hit directly, his regenerative factor is one of the weakest. He can be deal with one well executed hit, however, he eventually manages to avoid it or at least to compensate it. He is still far from being as tanky as Joanna or some of his own underlings and eventually dies when his Fragile Speedster nature comes back.

Personality: He initially appears in a goofy, Affably Evil facade of a silly Knight Errant that serves as a Punch-Clock Villain for the other ones while also commiting counterproductive acts to his own bosses. His real personality is of a pessismist man that just want to go black to sleep in a eternal good dream and is willing to do anything to do it, including killing his older friends and a considerable amount of other persons to steal their powers

Goals: Use a tulpa born from his high school crush and essentially get her to become the new Top God of the entire world and re-create it so she can be fully real.

Backstory: One of the former heroes that saved the Other Side, he Used to Be a Sweet Kid and a overall Nice Guy that served as The Lancer of his team and had a crush on his teammate Joanna (AKA ), he eventually did a Heroic Sacrifice to save her and his other friends and fell into the Abbyss, the ultimate Eldritch Location where he barely survived due to his Heroic Willpower, which –inside such a world—created a companion to him, a small entity based on Joanna who helped him survive and put him into a good dream where he was happy until he got out of the Abyss by sheer luck. When he awoke. He was already a adult and saw how his friend made their own lives. He thought in returning with them but saw that his crush had married and had daughters. Jon decided that he wanted his dream back and started to search energy to bring his tulpa into existence. Sacrificing lots of small faires to do it.

Now. He joined forces with his old enemy, the Black Knight, and they together attacked the house of Joanna where they killed her husband. There, Jonathan tried to get them to recognize him and when that failed, he choose to let them die.

He decided that Joanna wasn’t the real Joanna and that his tulpa was the real her, and thus, said tulpa shoud become the Top God and recreate the world at their will, so Joanna could be real again. And with real, we mean a Joanna that is Jon' obedient waifu.

Is as messed up as it sounds.

Jon becomes Joanna Stalker with a Crush in a mix of repulsion and love. Joanna suspects his identity and even imagines him as his husband but never do the connection until their final confrontation.

Joanna is surprised but decides to kill him anyway, mocking Jon for his feelings towards her. Jon eventually does defeat her and strangles her to death before stabbing his sword into her body. Jon cries about killing her, but is a cry of self justification which is only furthered when he talk to The Hero, Thomas (different Thomas from my entry in the hero thread) where he compares their mutual life and how they both wanted a “Happy dream” with their loved ones (to make it even more notorious, Thomas' crush was Joanna' daughter) but “those woman rejected us, and not only that, they took prude on it, they saw us as their playthings that could be used and discarded”.

Which was partially the truth in Jonathan' case (his relation with Joanna was complex and abusive-by-rational-standards even in their best moments) and totally Thomas' case (he is a genuine recent victim of emotional abuse).

Thomas think about it before responding that Yeah, both mother and daughter were awful persons. But Thomas told Jonathan that there was another option.

Just ignore them.

Thomas gives a Reason Why You Sucks Speech to Jonathan and they fight. Finally, Jonathan dies from injuries before forcing his tulpa, the “real” Joanna to destroy the world because “If I can’t wake up of this nightmare, at least I should destroy it” before killing himself.

At the end, the heroes stop the Joanna-tulpa from doing it and Thomas sees Jonathan' corpse and think about their similarities deciding that yeah, they are Not So Different and that he would have liked to meet a young Jonathan.

Edited by KazuyaProta on Aug 21st 2018 at 8:54:05 AM

Watch me destroying my country

Gonna have to work on her, then. I don't want my characters to feel generic. I want them to be unique in some positive way, to make readers either sympathize with, fear or love to hate (when it comes to villains obviously).
I admit, that I had different ideas for her backstory. One of them her being an experienced (but still fairly young) Dark Elf, who served in the imperial navy and fought in many battles against other races over the years. Her hatred towards High Elves would stem from her witnessing her comrades' deaths during a larger naval battle and mistreatment she suffered while she was captive (she and other survivors were exchanged for High Elf prisoners). The hatred towards Humans, especially Firanians would originate from being temporarily enslaved by them and forced to work in a silver mine. Kane's The Dragon recruited her specifically for her talents.
Hopefully, the remaining members of Five Bad Band won't appear as generic. Especially Geb, the sentient golem.
Thanks for the insight. By the way, I was wondering if it would be interesting to have Kane lead his own Dark Elf sub-faction in the story. Dark Elf Empire would be a Greater-Scope Villain. So far, I got the name "Black Hand" for the sake of Shout-Out to Brotherhood of Nod and Foreshadowing to Kane's origin in our world.

Anyway, back to Jonathan.
I always liked the Light Is Not Good motif going on with villains. A Fallen Hero type of villain is also a plus in my story. Adds a depth to their character, especially if the fall was caused by a Heroic Sacrifice. The Stalker with a Crush aspect adds the creepiness factor, which may turn him less sympathetic to the readers eyes. But, the fact that Jon Used to Be a Sweet Kid creates a feeling of tragedy to the character. After all "You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become a villain", as Harvey aptly put it in The Dark Knight.

Overall, I think he's good.

Edited by ArcticDog18 on Aug 21st 2018 at 4:08:10 PM

I will become a great writer one day! Hopefully...

Jon is not really mean to be sympathetic. He becoming evil is a tragedy, but he as a person is just...awful.

Jonathan ultimately had changed from a Dogged Nice Guy that genuinely wanted to help people into basically everything wrong with the Dogged Nice Guy trope, he is subtle about it, but in the end, is clear that Jonathan basically is a mysoginist (even if he himself denies it) that sees woman value in how much they affect him.

He is basically the Evil Counterpart to The Hero Thomas because both were pretty similar and Thomas could have become as mysoginist as current Jon.

Also, I forgot mention this is in the entry but, as a person with autism myself, both Thomas and Jonathan are also in the spectrum, neither had it so far to be a actual dissability but it clearly had shaped their worldviews. Trust me that I struggle to make Jonathan being both awful and nuanced as a character...and I love that struggle.

That is why at the end, Thomas accepts that Jonathan was just like him and that he understand him...before calling him out exactly because he understand him.

Edited by KazuyaProta on Aug 21st 2018 at 11:15:48 AM

Watch me destroying my country

@ critiques: Basically, what I was going for with Jake is basically taking apart the tropes that in the past have been portrayed as okay or understandable for the "beleaguered nerds" in a show, movie or game.

A lot of these kinds of pseudo-sympathetic characters also hold on to these grudges against such aggressors a long time, and its never portrayed as anything but justified.

As for how such a grudge-carrying man could be the Big Bad, there's really little choice after he tries to shoot up Samantha's birthday party, and is discovered to be the one that summoned various demons numerous times. Matthew never once took Jake all that seriously until the attempted mass shooting and ultimately the attempt on the mayor's kid's life. That sealed the deal on Jake.

As for why I kept that in there, it's taking the same kind of illogical thinking Jake kind of personifies, and taking it to a horrifying conclusion.

As for the grudge being irrational, most grudges that go as far as violence do lack rationality. Jake is a smart, but thoroughly irrational, hateful man. Intelligence doesn't give you immunity to that kind of hate. Jake basically internalized one to three social "losses" and based his entire world view on them.

Then Matthew kind of realized fully human Big Bads can do just as much damage as fully magical Big Bads.

Edited by NickTheSwing on Aug 24th 2018 at 2:07:36 AM

Now I shall continue with the Five Bad Band members of my Trapped in Another World story. This time, it will be The Dragon to Kane and his Black Hand... who can actually turn into one! Let me present you the second most dangerous Dark Elf in the story - Fiia, Champion of the Shadow Arena, Mistress of the Black Dragons and Court Sorceress of empress Salaza herself!

---

• Name: Fiia Stormheart Real name: Alicia Blackwood
• Age: Unknown, but some suspect she might be 200 years old or more. She's really 42 years old.
• Personality: On one hand, Fiia is a Blood Knight and a believer of Might Makes Right philosophy (which is the general philosophy of the Dark Elf race), who seeks for her Worthy Opponent. On the other hand, she is an ambitious sorceress who seeks to take the imperial throne from Salaza in a ceremonial duel. But, according to Mizar (The Evil Genius of Kane's Five Bad Band and a Beastman), her desire to overthrow Salaza may come from her jealousy towards the empress and her relationship with Kane. Like Kane, she's from another world. She was a Gamer Chick and a huge Otaku, who played a lot of World of Warcraft and fighting games like Street Fighter. Because of her Dark and Troubled Past, she refused to return to our world after she completed her mission given to her by the goddess of darkness, Yshara. She is very close to Kane, as they are Not So Different.
• Appearance: Fiia is an attractive Dark Elf with well-toned body. Like most of her kin, her skin is brown and her hair is silver. She is usually dressed in her Dragon Armor, which is similar to Alexstrasza's outfit in Heroes of the Storm (sorta like this: [1]), only black and purple with no cape or boots. She also has two draconic forms - Hybrid and Full Dragon forms.
  In her hybrid form, she grows wings and horns, claws and scales on her feet and hands, and her eyes resemble those of a dragon.
  In Full Dragon form, she looks like a western dragon with pitch black scales and glowing purple eyes. In this form, she is as big as a school bus.
• Abilities: Fiia has strong affinity with 3 elements of magic: Fire, Dark and Lightning. Fire magic allows her to throw fireballs, create streams of searing flames or enchant equipment to grant it Fire attribute. Dark magic allows her to fire bolts of darkness, cast illusions, blend with the shadows to become invisible in dark or poorly lit places or cast hexes to weaken the enemy. Lighting magic allows her to attack with powerful thunderbolts, travel very fast or enchant equipment to add Electric attribute.
  In addition to her incredible magical prowess, Fiia is a powerful melee combatant thanks to her being a half dragon. She possesses Super-Strength, Super-Toughness and ability to transform into two forms - Hybrid form and Dragon form. In both forms, Fiia can fly and see invisible magical beings. In Full Dragon form, she becomes Nigh-Invulnerable and much stronger than in her normal and Hybrid form, but she can't cast spells at all. She is limited to her strength, her size and her Lighting breath.
• Weaknesses: Because of her strong connection to Dark magic, Fiia is vulnerable to Light magic. In addition, Dragon Killer and master-crafted Silver and Arkanite weapons can pierce though her skin in her Normal and Hybrid forms and through her scales in Full Dragon form. But, her greatest weakness is her hot-headed nature and desire to fight. If Kane's not keeping an eye on her, she might go full Leeroy Jenkins to fight someone very strong, which nearly got her killed twice.
• Goals: Aid Kane in overthrowing the nobility in Firana. Take the throne from empress Salaza. Convince Kane to stay with her in the fantasy world.
• Motivation: Deep respect for both Kane and Salaza. Even Evil Has Standards stance towards Firanian nobility. Her love towards Kane and jealously towards Salaza and Grand Priestess Vereesa.
• Role in the story: The Dragon to Kane's Big Bad. The Starscream to the Bigger Bad Empress Salaza. The Heavy through the first half of the first story arc.
• Relevant Tropes
  • The Heavy: For the first half of the first story arc.
  • The Dragon: To Kane and Empress Salaza. Ironically, she can turn into an actual dragon!
  • Affably Evil: Unless you belong to Firana's nobility or actively try to kill Kane, she'll be rather polite, even if you are her enemy.
  • Spirited Competitor: In the end, she is this. She won't mind losing if the fight isn't to the death.
  • Kung-Fu Wizard: Although fairy powerful at long range, Fiia prefers to stay in close quarters and fights with her fists. She occasionally use her magic to power herself up or to use Elemental Punch.
  • Wrestler in All of Us: She apparently knows plenty of wrestling moves. She once even suplexed an Orc.
  • Noodle Incident: Became a half dragon because of that! She never mentioned how it happened. When asked about it, she only says she will NEVER touch any of Beastmen artifacts.
  • Blood Knight: She loves to fight. The stronger the opponent, the better.
  • Foil: To Big Bad, Kane, and Grand Priestess Vereesa
    • Kane is a patient strategist, who relies on his golem army and treants to overpower the enemy. Fiia likes to rush in and fight in close quarters. Kane seeks to return to our world, while Fiia declared I Choose to Stay.
    • Vereesa is a Priestess of Light, while Fiia is a practitioner of Dark magic. Vereesa fights from a distance and has high affinity towards Light, Wind and Ice magic, while Fiia fights in close quarters and has high affinity towards Fire, Shadow and Lighting magic. At one point in the story, when Vareesa abandoned Firanian nobility, she accidentally repeated Fiia's Noodle Incident and became a half dragon. A White Dragon!
  • Smug Super: She's very powerful and very arrogant.
  • Worthy Opponent: She seeks for someone, who could match her physical and magical strength. So far, only Arch Succubus Rathi and The Big Girl of the Five-Man Band managed to prove to be her equals in both departments.
  • Noble Demon: She has her pride as a fighter. Because of it, she won't fight dirty in a one-on-one duel, unless her opponents cheats.
  • Graceful Loser: During their 3rd duel, The Big Girl finally managed to defeat Fiia. The defeated half dragon thanked her for an amazing fight.
  • Baddie Flattery: She often compliments the Five-Man Band whenever they meet, especially The Big Girl.
  • Super-Strength: Fiia can punch through steel armor as if it was made of paper or bend Arkanite without using any strengthening magic. But, bending Arkanite is still a challenge to her.
  • Super-Toughness: To her, a punch from an ogre can be compared to a decent slap to the face. Ogres in this story can crush boulders with one punch.
  • Scaled Up: Can turn into a Black Dragon.
  • Klingon Promotion: She seeks to do it in a non-lethal version. She wants to take the imperial throne from Salaza. To do that, she needs to defeat her in a ceremonial duel.
  • Playing with Fire: Her Fire Magic.
  • Casting a Shadow: Her Dark Magic.
  • Shock and Awe: Her Lighting Magic and Lighting breath in Full Dragon form.
  • Little Bit Beastly: That's how her Hybrid form looks like.
  • Green-Eyed Monster: She's slowly becoming one to Salaza and Grand Priestess Vereesa.
  • Arch-Enemy: Has two of them - Arch Succubus Rathi and Grand Priestess Vereesa.
  • Friendly Rivalry: Has one with the empress Salaza. But, it's slowly deteriorating due to jealousy.
  • Leeroy Jenkins: Has her moments when Kane doesn't intervene in time. She nearly died two times because of it. One of them was when Rathi challenged her to a duel, while pressing her Berserk Button.
  • Even Evil Has Loved Ones: The Wood Elf orphan she adopted and the rest of Five Bad Band are like a family to her.
  • Mother Bear: Woe to those, who would seek to harm her adopted daughter!
  • Berserk Button: Trying to kill members of her Five Bad Band, especially Kane. Reminding her of her past life
  • Gamer Chick: Fiia was one before she was taken during the second raid.
  • Otaku: She was a big fan of manga and anime before she was taken during the second raid.
  • I Just Want to Have Friends: Her main reason to stay. She never had any friends in our world and was often bullied. Here? She is respected, beloved by the Dark Elf citizens and is surrounded by comrades and friends.
  • I Just Want to Be Special: Her other reason to remain in this world.
  • Not So Different: To Kane. Both were bullied and had no friends, which affected their adult life as a result. She tries to convince him to abandon his previous life, embrace his new position and stay with her because of it.

---

Hoo boy, that was a lot of writing. And I intentionally didn't write the remaining tropes, because it would be a bit too long. I hope Fiia is not generic and some of you find her interesting. I'll work later on Araza.

I will become a great writer one day! Hopefully...

I love the twist regarding her age. I really do. And her backstory is actually pretty interesting.

Edited by KazuyaProta on Sep 7th 2018 at 3:06:29 AM

Watch me destroying my country

Glad you like her. And, if you haven't noticed by now, Year Inside, Hour Outside trope is in full effect. One year on Earth is 20 years in fantasy world.
I'll wait my turn to present The Evil Genius of the Five Bad Band for the story. By the way, could someone please write a critique for Shinji Ebihara, my character in Hero Critique Thread?

I will become a great writer one day! Hopefully...

Agreed with Kaz. The whole thing seems very well thought out. I'll give the hero critique thread a looksie too.

Name: Joel Monroe

Age: 28(ish)

Personality: Monroe is an aggressive and uncompromising criminal. He is externally very friendly, and something of a ladies man and a party person, but really only values sex, drugs and alchohol for their ability to give him pleasure and make others more manipulable, not for any emotional reasons. He attempts to be subtle about it, but on a fundamental level he's very controlling and domineering, and enjoys having power over others to an addictive degree.

Motive: Monroe has a severe conviction, or at least appears to have a severe conviction, that human augmentation is wrong. At the beginning of the story, he starts his terroristic spree of violence to gather support against the augmented and create a violent movement against them. He essentially believes that Humans Are Just Better. One could argue that he doesn't really believe any of that, and that the real reason behind the crime is that he revels in seeing a portion of the populace in fear and sees augmented people as an existential threat to him because they fundamentally have power that he doesn't have.

Appearance: Monroe is tall, skinny and pale, with brown hair and blue eyes. Most of his clothing is very utilitarian and appropriate for Seattle weather, but he owns some more fashionable clothes for appropriate occasions.

Abilities: Monroe has been part of criminal activity for almost a decade and a half now. He knows exactly how to subvert law enforcement efficiently, has multiple hiding spots and safe-houses that he knows of around Seattle and has criminal connections in the city. He has a great deal of experience with armed robbery and stick-ups, and knows how to use firearms with a great deal of accuracy. Knows how to practically suppress firearms. Whilst never formally trained, he also has experience fighting in melee and is smart enough to know how to safely produce, place and detonate improvised explosives.

Weaknesses: Though he likes to think of himself as above it, Monroe is just as vulnerable to his own emotions as his target are. His crime spree even begins after an augmented woman shuts down his manipulations at a bar. Ultimately, his downfall is his own hubris and belief that he'll never be caught or held accountable for his own crimes by the police, and his belief that all police forces are the same. Some police don't want convictions after you've bombed public buildings and caused a violent movement to rise in the city. They might just want you dead.

Goals: As unrealistic as it is, he wants to get rid of every augmented person in the world. At this point in time there are millions of them. Many people point this out to him, which he cares very little about.

Motivations: Unclear. Is he a misled idealist who thinks that Humans Are Just Better and that Cybernetics Eat Your Soul, or is he just a power-mad petty-thief-turned-terrorist who revels in fear and hates people having power over him?

Role in Story: Primary Antagonist/Deutertagonist. He's essentially half of the story, the other half being that of Rachel Alvarez, the hero.

• Relevant Tropes
  • War for Fun and Profit: Part of how he kept out of jail. Whilst most of this is a secret to the broader public, when corporations own the police, the weapons manufacturing industry and the prisons and are all in bed together, there's not much reason to catch petty thiefs and thugs; instead, only criminals above certain thresholds or who hurt profit margins are caught, where they are then used for slave labor in prisons. The remainder are left on the streets to inspire fear, as this gives people a reason to buy weapons, which keeps the remaining criminal population in check and earns the the weapons manufacturers a tidy profit. Monroe noticed this pattern of arrests, and exploited it so that he stayed under the radar.

  • Western Terrorists: He certainly is one.

  • Nothing Is Scarier: His movement evokes this in one of their marches. They carry the flags and such, but don't say a word. Instead, they silently march through the street, then disperse without a word.

  • Fantastic Racism: Hates people with cybernetic and biological augmentations. His stated justification for this is that he sees it as a pollution of the body and a removal of humanity, but that might not be the whole reason.

  • External Combustion: He kills an executive for a biotech corporation in this manner.

  • Serial Killer: His agenda initially seems like this to the police: a person randomly executing people with a pistol on street corners. It's only later that they realize the pattern to the killings relates to the fact that all of the people involved have augmentation of some kind. By the time they realize this, he's already gathered grass-root support for the movement and the killings aren't being carried out by any one person.

  • Cybernetics Eat Your Soul: They don't, but he may or may not think they do.

  • White Gangbangers: He was this.

  • Final Solution: Wants to kill or forcibly remove all cybernetics and biological augmentations and dismantle all manufacturers of these products.

  • Manipulative Bastard: Certainly to some degree. He really enjoys power, and will do a lot to get it.

  • The Charmer / The Social Expert: The reason why he's able to attract people to him and the reason he has a "girlfriend." Girlfriend is in quotations here as the relationship is essentially limited to rent and sex, and both parties recognize it at this point.

  • Awesome by Analysis: Essentially his superpower. He recognizes the patterns and day-to-day patterns of corporations and law-enforcement, then uses them to his advantage.

  • Lack of Empathy: He rather ironically accuses corporations and augmented people of this. He attempts to demonstrate this by kidnapping an executive (perfectly timed so that no one would be around to respond) to demonstrate that the corporations wouldn't even care if a notable executive was kidnapped in broad daylight, then releases her to demonstrate that the movement has no quarrel with the unaugmented, only the corporations and the augmented.

  • Ironic Last Words: "I'll come quietly." immediately before being shot rather loudly.

  • Nice Job Fixing It, Villain: After his death, the movement dies too, and it only increases public support for human augmentation and accelerates a path implied to lead to transhumanism. Furthermore, the way he eluded the police caused broad public outrage, ultimately fostering anti-hypercapitalist sentiments and ending the so called "Corporate Era." Essentially, his movement not only defeated itself, it achieved the opposite side's goals and created a far better world than what would have happened if he were to have had his way.

Edited by Ichiel on Sep 13th 2018 at 7:45:52 AM

Ok, it really sounds interesting. A ableist sociopath that organizate hate movements and die for believing that he's above the law.

My only issue is the Good Job Fixing It Villain part. While he may being a blow against bigotry, making him finish it and lead humanity to transhumanism is just...unrealistically optimist. I mean, he wasn't a dictator carrying a genocide, he was a dangerous gang leader, it gonna change the ideas in a city but worldwide? It wouldn't affect much.

Otherwise. It looks great.

---

Now. This is a entry for a villain of mine. Dunno if make him appear in the story (and where) or just leave him in the backstory.

Victor Steffen was a Russian officer in a post WW 2 Russia. Having met former Nazis, Victor developed a worldview combinating Soviet and Nazi philosophy. Carrying some pogroms to exterminate the jews in his region, Victor heard the voice of Sophia and eventually, The Beast itself in his head. Starting a private cult to worship them, Victor eventually meets Sophia' human avatar. Realizing that Sophia didn't share her racism, Victor doubts before hearing a promise that convice him. While Sophia would anhilate all reality, Victor could create a "utopia" for white people that would destroy those who didn't fit their worldview and take the people that would fit in it. Using his new powers as a prophet of Sophia, Víctor leaves his world alongside his equally racist folllowers while leaving a trail of destruction. Creating the flying city of Dominion, Victor makes it a brutal dictatorship where he kill the weakest members while kidnapping children from their families—which get murdered for his kingdom—to replace his lost soldiers. Leading Dominion and it's army, Victor aids in several racial genocides while trying to anhilate worlds where racism in nonexistent by messing with their politics. Driven for a belief in his own superiority, Victor saw himself as a sage destinated to save mankind from inferiors and created one of the single biggest sources of death that the multiverse had meet.

Watch me destroying my country

[Sorry, new accounts cannot post external links.]

Name: Medusa

Age: 32

Personality: Sad, melancholic and selfish. Also has a lot of self-pity and self-loathing. Determined and ruthless in pursuing her goal(s). A bit vindictive. Insidious, manipulative, intelligent.

Abilities: The snakes in her hair can produce deadly venom, can turn people to stone with her gaze. She is also immune to venom and has superhuman strength.

Weaknesses: Silver weapons/objects. Also, she is sad and lonely, and can't form any meaningful relationship because of her curse and appearance. Everyone who looks at her considers her a beast/monster. She can't live a normal life.

Goals: She wants to transfer her curse to her sister Stheno (in the story, curses can only be transferred to someone related by blood by performing a complex ritual).

Motivation: She wants to live a normal life.

Role in the story: Villain protagonist.

Backstory: Medusa was a vain and beautiful girl, but one day she was raped in the Goddess's temple. The enraged Goddess cursed Medusa, transforming her into what she is now. The first victim of her stone gaze was her lover. After many more victims, she began self-loathing herself. She tried to live a normal life by covering her face and hair with cloth, but couldn't form any true or meaningful relationship. She went into seclusion and went from place to place, as monster hunters hunted her. She learnt that the only way to get rid of a curse is to transfer it to someone related by blood, so she devised a plan to transfer her curse to her sister Stheno so she could live a normal life.

Relevant Tropes: Tragic Villain, Monster Sob Story, Pragmatic Villainy, Medusa, Villain Protagonist

Victor seems like a Complete Monster, although it looks like that's what you were going for. Given that he's minor enough that you're considering confining him to backstory, it's probably not going to be a huge problem. Whether you should confine him to backstory or not is a decision I can't help you with, since I don't know your story like you do. Try both ways and see what works; you can go back and change it if it doesn't.

That's an interesting take on the myth. She has a very sympathetic motivation while still clearly being a villain. Nice job!

---

I've previously posted about Team Zenith from my Pokemon Super Fic on this thread, but now I'm going to talk about their leader specifically.

Name: Asteria
Age: In her mid-to-late 30s, possibly early 40s
Personality: Asteria is confident, optimistic to a fault, and just wants what (she thinks) is best for everyone.
Abilities: She has the ability to amplify the powers of those around her. She can choose the targets for this power (for example, powering up her allies, but not her foes).
Weaknesses: Her power is for support rather than a direct attack, so without allies to use it on, it's basically useless. ^note Although maybe she could use it to amplify opponents' powers to the point of a Super-Power Meltdown? I'm not sure if that'd be broken or not.
Goals: She wants to awaken the legendary Pokemon Encantrassil ^note soon-to-be-outdated design here - I plan to tweak it in the near future, but it'll still look similar, in order to use its mystical energy to give everyone superpowers.
Motivation: She views these powers as a gift, and wants to share that gift with everyone. She legitimately thinks this is what's best for humanity.
Role: She's the leader of Team Zenith, the prevalent villain team in the Symphora region's northwestern zone.
Tropes:

• Affably Evil: She's very friendly and outgoing - most of the time.
• Bad*** Long Robe: Has one that's themed after Encantrassil, with green, gray, and brown colors.
• Blue-and-Orange Morality: It doesn't really matter to her whether her team's creations become heroes or villains - she just wants to see them happy.
• Cloudcuckoolander
• The Coats Are Off: Her robe conceals an outfit that allows for better mobility. She only ever reveals it when crap gets real.
• Eccentric Mentor: Team Zenith tries to cause as many superhero origins as possible on the way to their goal, so Asteria acts as this to those just learning to use their powers.
• Large Ham: She's very lively and animated, with a rather flowery way of speaking.
• Magic Enhancement: Her power is this.
• Mama Bear: Very protective of her team. Even Stardust Labs knows not to mess with her.
• Meaningful Name: Asteria shares her name with a titaness from Greek mythology. This also contrasts with opposing faction Team Halcyon's leader, Acton, who was named after a normal person from real life.
• Nature Lover: Her earthy-themed attire isn't just to resemble the legendary Pokemon. She loves being outside, taking long walks, and feeling the wind in her hair.
• Obliviously Evil: She doesn't fully realize the consequences of her and her team's actions.
• The Ophelia: Downplayed - Not insane, just eccentric. She does look the part, though, and was inspired by the trope.
• Personality Powers: A support ability is very fitting for such a motherly character.
• Team Mom: She cares deeply for her team, and even hand-makes the costumes for her admins.
• With Great Power Comes Great Insanity: Downplayed. She's not insane, but she takes great pride in her powers, on top of her existing eccentricity.
• Weapon Of Choice: Her main Pokemon is Runesparce, a (non-canon) evolution of Dunsparce. And she Mega Evolves it, too.
• Well-Intentioned Extremist

Edited by AgentKirin on Sep 15th 2018 at 4:31:57 AM

An Obliviously Evil villain, eh? That's an interesting approach. I do not see this kind of villains very often.
I find Asteria to be interesting, to say the least. I find similarities between her and leaders of Team Magma and Team Aqua, as they tried to awaken Legendary Pokemon not for the sake of world domination or mass annihilation. I wish I could say more about her, but I'm not familiar with your Pokemon fanfic or Fakemons you're going to use in it. I admit, that I did create a couple of Pokemon OCs, but they all use canon Pokemon and they all live in regions appearing in games. I have one question - does Asteria's powers affect humans, Pokemon or both? I'm a bit curious.

---

Anyway, let me present you the third member of Five Bad Band in Trapped in Another World story of mine. Hanzo, otherwise called Mizar - The Evil Genius and co-founder of Kane's Black Hand cabal, the Devil Strategist of Dark Elf Empire and former member of now defunct bandit group of Beastmen called the Big Dipper!

• Name: Hanzo
• Age: 35
• Personality: Hanzo is perhaps a bigger Magnificent Bastard than Kane is, and that's saying something. He is a master manipulator and strategist, who loves to play mind games with his opponents. He's determined to bring down the Kingdom of Firana, in the name or revenge for his tormented kin and his fallen comrades from Big Dipper, as well as securing a safe future for all Beastmen tribes. He earned the title "Devil Strategist" for using underhanded tactics like bribery, blackmail and ordering assassinations. He's also very pragmatic. As long as it suits him, he can pull off an Enemy Mine situation with no qualms.
  Although he may appear as friendly and cheerful person who loves to tease his allies when not busy scheming against the Kingdom, Hanzo is in fact quite depressed. He blames himself over loss of his comrades (including his betrothed), as he was the group's tactician.
  Hanzo is also quite religious. Though he prays to all gods and shows them respect, he mainly follows Ranal, god of Chaos and Freedom. One of his major reasons to follow Kane aside from their friendship and mutual respect is because he is Ranal's Chosen One. By helping him, he also shows favor to his god. And that's why he's so friendly towards Five-Man Band and tries to recruit them at every opportunity.
• Appearance: Hanzo is a Fox Beastman. He looks mostly human, with the exception to fox ears and tail. His hair is brown and his eyes hazel. He's very attractive person, to the point of being Mr. Fanservice. He usually wears a traditional robes of his tribe.
• Abilities: Hanzo has high affinity towards Beast and Arcane magic. His Beast magic allows him to bless his allies with the strength of animals, throw others into feral frenzy, dominate or soothe animals. [NOTE: Beast magic is heavily influenced by Lore of Beasts from Warhammer Fantasy]. His Arcane magic allows him to conjure bolts of pure magic, fling an orb of pure magic towards his opponents or charm his opponents.
  In addition to his great magical prowess, Hanzo is also very agile and talented in hand-to-hand combat. He can easily outmaneuver his foes and strike them in their vital spots with great precision.
• Weaknesses: Unlike Kane or Fiia, he's a Glass Cannon. One decent hit can eliminate him from the fight. Also, like all mages, he has a limited mana supply stored in his body. Once he exhaust his reserves, he must rest for a while. Because of him being a Beastman, he's vulnerable to Beast-killing weapons.
• Goals: Aid Kane in overthrowing nobility of Firana. Free all slaves from Firanian nobility. Avenge his fallen comrades and his betrothed. Recruit (or eliminate) members of Five-Man Band into Black Hand cabal. Create a new nation, where other races can coexist in peace
• Motivation: A desire for revenge against his fallen comrades, betrothed and the rest of his oppressed kin. Deep loyalty towards Kane and Salaza. A desire to serve Ranal.
• Role in the story: The Evil Genius of Five Bad Band. Big Good alongside Salaza
• Relevant Tropes:
  • Expy: His Arcane magic, as well as his status as Mr. Fanservice was based on Ahri from League of Legends
  • Little Bit Beastly: He looks like a human, but with fox ears and tail.
  • Charm Person: He can use his magic to charm others. His spells are so potent, that it can charm a succubus. Succubi possess the highest resistance towards being charmed possible.
  • Lost Lenore: Dubhe, his fellow comrade and betrothed, died during a skirmish with Firanian soldiers. Her death greatly affected him.
  • Survivor's Guilt
  • Villainous Friendship: With the rest of Five Bad Band, especially with Xerxes, The Brute and Salaza's son.
  • Equal-Opportunity Evil: He often employs members of other races in his schemes. In fact, it was his idea to create anti-Firana coalition with his kin, Dwarfs and Orcs.
  • Chessmaster: He's a master of manipulation after all.
  • Red Baron: "Devil Strategist"
  • Mr. Fanservice: He's so handsome, he can make succubus develop a crush on him.
  • Magnificent Bastard: Even more so than Kane. His greatest ploy was to sow dissent within Firana royalty to make Grand Priestess Vereesa lose favor of the king and be accused of treason to trigger her Face–Heel Turn and strip the kingdom of their greatest champions. It worked! And, considering that he's Good All Along, it was more of Heel–Face Turn.
  • Glass Cannon: Can dish out plenty of damage with Arcane magic, but can't take hits well. That's why often Kane sends his Arkanite golem or Xerxes to protect Mizar.
  • Villainous Crush: He fell in love with The Lancer of Five-Man Band. She reminds Mizar of Dubhe, his betrothed.
  • Foe Romance Subtext: Mizar's interactions with The Lancer drip with this.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist Mizar seeks to create a nation, where other races can coexist in peace
  • Good All Along: He and the rest of Five Bad Band, as well as Dark Elf Empire are in fact good guys.
  • Anti-Hero: He, in the end, counts as one
  • Necessarily Evil: Yes, his methods are brutal, but it's the only way to root out the truly evil and corrupt nobles from Firana

---

Like with Fiia, I won't write other tropes related to Mizar, because it would be too long. And I still think I need to work on him here and there. I hope you like him.

Oh, and one last thing. About Big Dipper gang. Aside from Mizar, there were three more survivors. One of them will join Five-Man Band an the Sixth Ranger. About the other two, I haven't decided yet.

I will become a great writer one day! Hopefully...

Hanzo is definitely a fox if I ever saw one. He's also a great character with solid motives, and able to keep everyone on their toes. Might want to be careful that charm magic doesn't end up as a Story-Breaker Power, but the fact that he's a Squishy Wizard should balance that out a bit. Overall, great job!

---

Thanks for the feedback! As for your question about Asteria's power, it does allow her to put a Status Buff on Pokemon (similarly to the Mother Beast from canon) as well as straight-up amplifying superhumans' powers.

^{If it helps...}  I have (incomplete) info about the region posted here, and several of the Fakemon with most of their 'Dex info here.

Edited by AgentKirin on Sep 16th 2018 at 6:38:51 AM

Pretty much the same. Hanzo is a pretty good and smart character. He's a solid addition to the story.

Asteria is a amazing villain. I love her Blue-and-Orange Morality. A Mama Bear Big Bad is a interesting idea to see.

Watch me destroying my country

Name: Dominion

Age: Aprox. 300 years

The Empire of the story. Or one of then, Dominion serves as the Eviler than Thou dictatorship to the A Lighter Shade of Black of The Kingdom of The Old Gods.

Founded for the above mentioned Victor. The (Great) Nation of Dominion was created for a single goal. The annihilation of all non whites, thought eventually it become more tolerant of different races and gender equality. Even Victor himself become more tolerant of the existence of non whites, even if just for their utility (he's still pretty racist, just not actively genocidal).

Now. Victor is more of a Stalinist dictator (as he always wanted to be), his views on race aren't as open as a Nazi, but his attitudes towards other ethnic groups are just as violent.

Is hard to talk about Dominion without Victor. Dominion is founded for Victor and Sophia and their long list of psychological issues.

The (Blessed) Land of Dominion is localizated in a Trans Dimensional Floating Continent with the same name. The continent is sealed inside a giant castle which is divided in sections. Those sections have their own armies and cultures designed to fill a role.

Dominion is also a Theocracy of the Church and Cult of Sophia. However, they can also pray her avatars individually leading to a internal religious and cultural diversity. However, there a lot of rivalry and competition between the Armies and services, leading to confict and internal isolationism.

Weaknesses: Dominion is small. It's size is comparable to mountains and it's population is just slighty bigger than New York. But their magical weapons and magitek make them able to put a combat against pretty much any enemy. They are nothing compared to worlds such as Warhammer 40000 or even The Empire of SW. And they know it.

Strenght: Dominion is always in war and never in war. While it's armies go to destroy other universes (usually messing with their politics or magical beings), they never go in a full fight involving all it's forces.

By that method. They never lose, they lose forces but their main empire is safe in the Void Between the Worlds.

Life there is varied depending of the district but it's capital is fairly pleasant. Being The Kingdom inside of a Empire with a Dark Secret. The civilian life there is pleasant even if the nobles rule there

Other places...choose your own dystopia. A Wretched Hive where criminality is encouraged? A White Supremacist Militaristic district? A technocratic elitist polluted Cyberpunk city ruled for Mad Scientists?

Is literally a Nation build on evil. Literally.

That's Dominion. Stop imagining a booth in your face forever. A booth is too merciful.

But...they're doomed. They are a Empire of Crystal. Sharp and infectious crystal but it will break as soon someone hit it.

Dominion is gonna fall into civil war soon or later as it already had done. Ultimately, the heroes didn't have to do much to destroy the place. It anhilated itself.

Edited by KazuyaProta on Sep 20th 2018 at 1:41:32 PM

Watch me destroying my country

I don't know what to say about Dominion. It looks so dysfunctional to me. It's a kind of a habit of mine, but when I see a faction much bigger than for ex. villainous teams from Pokemon, I apply A Commander Is You trope to it. And, by judging Dominion's strengths and weaknesses, I think Elitist/Guerrilla/Espionage would fit best. Elitist, because they are limited in numbers, but strong. Guerrilla, because they never go in a full fight against all of universe's forces. And, Espionage, because of the havoc they can wreck indirectly by messing with the politics or annoying the right magical being. To be honest, Dominion looks to me like a giant barrel filled with gunpowder, just waiting for a tiny spark to blow it up.

Anyway, I had this idea going for a different story. A Castlevania-esque story, where two factions waged war for centuries - Coven of the Night and the Templars [temporary names]. It all started in 15th century in France, when a powerful vampire named Nathaniel declared war against humankind when his wife, Elizabeth, was burned on a stake for supposed witchcraft. She was innocent, as she never dabbled with magic. She was sentenced to death by a corrupt priest.
Yes, it sounds all too familiar to Castlevania, but here's a twist. It's not Nathaniel, who is the Big Bad. No, it's one of his children. It's his Dhampir daughter and a witch, Mathilda. Nathaniel was destroyed a decade after his declaration of war by the group of warriors, mages and priests fighting against the children of the night, aided by his son, Adrien (he's also a Dhampyr, like his sister). To avenge her parents' deaths, resurrect her father, as well as destroy Adrien for his betrayal, Mathilda formed the Coven of the Night. She gathered witches, vampires and all kinds of demons and monsters to her side to wage war against humanity. For centuries, she fought against this so-called "Templars" aided by her brother and tried to bring back her father in order to make all humans pay for killing her mother, an innocent and pure soul.
The story would take place in year 2019, in Tokyo. Hiro Kageyama [temporary name], an Ordinary High-School Student, alongside his Childhood Friend Chisaki Kobayashi were dragged into the war between the Templars and the Coven when they found themselves trapped within Mathilda's magical castle's walls. Them arriving there was no coincidence...
Now then, let's us meet the Big Bad herself, Mathilda the Bloody Witch!

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• Name: Mathilda
• Age: Around 600 years
• Personality: Mathilda is a woman filled with hatred towards humanity and God. She firmly believes Humans Are the Real Monsters, as they are motivated by greed and thirst for power. Her hatred, caused by the deaths of parents she deeply loved, has left her unable to see any redeeming qualities in humankind. Her Coven is like a family to her, and she loves them all, especially her sorcerer apprentices and fellow vampires. If any of them gets hurt, she goes full-Mama Bear on those, who hurt them.
  Deep down, despite betraying her and their father, she still loves her brother Adrien. She tried numerous times to bring him to her side, but to no avail. During their last confrontation, when she finally killed her brother, she mourned his death for 2 years. Years later, after resurfacing in Tokyo, she noticed that Hiro, an unwanted guest in her castle, has the same aura as her brother. That piqued her curiosity and she became interested in him...
• Appearance: Mathilda is a very attractive woman, who looks like she's in her twenties. Her skin is fair and snow white. Her hair is long and black. Her eyes are purple
• Abilities: Because of her being a Dhampir, she has access to various powers of a vampire without being weak to sunlight. She can seduce others with her mesmerizing voice or beautiful body. She can turn into a bat to escape or travel quickly and undetected. She can drink blood to strengthen herself or heal her wounds. Additionally, she is immune towards weapons and spells of "Dark" attribute.
  Mathilda is also a powerful witch with centuries of experience. Her most commonly used spells are: Fireball, Levitate, Wind Cutter, Ice Lance, Thunderbolt, Deadly Mist, Water Prison and Nature's Wrath (roots of trees try to trap or crush her opponents).
• Weaknesses: Mathilda is vulnerable towards Blessed weapons, as well as spells of "Holy" attribute. Like with any normal vampire or demon, those burn her. She also struggles in close quarters. Ironically, she's allergic to garlic. While it won't kill her, it will annoy her a lot.
• Goals: Resurrect her father. Bring down humanity to it's knees.
• Motivation: Her hatred towards humanity. Her love towards her family and sadness caused by her parents' deaths.
• Role in the story: Big Bad
• Relevant Tropes:
  • Seeks Another's Resurrection: Her father's.
  • Dhampir: She's half-vampire.
  • Really 700 Years Old: She's around 600 years old.
  • Miss Fanservice: She's really gorgeous.
  • Hot Witch: She doesn't need magic to steal your heart.
  • The Vamp: Puns aside, Mathilda used her beauty to defeat or lure some Templars to the Dark Side couple of times. At this point, some wonder if she hasn't become a succubus.
  • Bi The Way: She was romantically involved with both men and women in the past, but it seems she's more interested in women. When the story begins, she is in a relationship with a vampiress named Camilla.
  • Cain and Abel: She and her brother, Adrien.
  • Evil Cannot Comprehend Good: Her hatred towards humanity made her blind towards their redeeming qualities. She also cannot understand why her brother sided with humanity.
  • Even Evil Has Loved Ones: She deeply loved her parents and even her brother after he betrayed their father. She also cares deeply for the members of her Coven and her lovers.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle: She delivers one to Hiro during their first fight and one of the European Templars, Tomasz Dudek. Both times, she failed to kill them. She spared Hiro, because his aura was similar to her dead brother Adrien. She wasn't able to finish off Tomasz, because was a Curb Stomp Cushion and managed to land enough good hits on her to make her relent. She is also a receiver of one from Hiro and Chiaki after they Took a Level in Badass.
  • Pet the Dog: She's not antagonistic at all towards Hiro and Chiaki. And, if a human possesses magical potential and had an abusive life, she can offer them a place in her Coven to either become her apprentice or become a vampire. She tried to recruit Tomasz out of sympathy and pity, as she correctly guessed he was a Death Seeker due to his Dark and Troubled Past.
  • Hero Killer: Mathilda has killed many good Templars over the years. This includes her brother.
  • My God, What Have I Done?: She freaked out when she finally killed her brother.
  • Tears of Remorse: She cried for a very long time after killing Adrien.
  • Sibling Murder: After centuries of fighting, she finally killed Adrien. It didn't bring her any joy.

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Like with my other characters, I won't write down ALL of the tropes related to Mathilda. I don't want it to be too long. So, what do you think of her?

On another note, where could I write about my idea for a Shin Megami Tensei\High School Dx D crossover? On which forum? And, is anyone here interested to hear about it for that matter?

I will become a great writer one day! Hopefully...

The framing and sexualization of her bisexuality are...uncomfortable. Not that you have to make her straight, but I'll suggest toning down the sexual aspects, not make her ugly, just downplay the fanservice and the Evil-Bisexual (I know that is not a Depraved Bisexual, but it come close...). A Bisexual The Vamp and literal vampire is just filled with tons of Unfortunate Undertones. I think that she had potential, it works pretty well for the setting and location of the story.

Yeah. Dominion is basically a 20-century dictatorship Up To Eleven. Is dysfunctional, Nazi Germany and the URSS were a absolute mess.

Yeah, it defines them well

Pretty much this. Dominion is going to destroy itself eventually, but it would take lots of lives with it.

I'd personally think that it would be fine here. There a SMT fanfiction thread as well. I'm a Shin Megami Tensei fan, so I'm fine with it.

Watch me destroying my country

I admit, I didn't want her sexuality to be over the top. I wasn't planning for her to be a Depraved Bisexual or be close to one either. I can assure you, that Mathilda is surprisingly very respectful of her romantic partners and always has with them a healthy relationships. That also involves her current lover. She had so many lovers because for one reason or the other, she outlived them all.
Although I will tone down her sexuality, she will still be responsible for luring some Templars in the past to the Dark Side. After all, there are many things you tempt people with. Money, power, recognition, knowledge, etc. Everyone has a flaw, that can be easily exploited. Maybe I should change her into a Magnificent Bastard in a way?

EDIT: Almost bloody forgot. I left the general idea behind the crossover here: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13914534860A16060200&page=14

Now to think how to rewrite it as a new thread...

Edited by ArcticDog18 on Sep 28th 2018 at 11:55:43 AM

I will become a great writer one day! Hopefully...

Post it in the SMT fanfiction thread. And Magnificent Bastard is a YMMV trope (thought sounds like she already goes that way).

She is a fine Manipulative Bastard, thought still, Bisexual Vampire is not a combo that I'd like. Thought is your story.

I'll still recommend proceed with caution. And try to ask some bisexual about it.

Watch me destroying my country

Now. Another case of The Empire. Considerably less genocidal but still pretty bad.

Name: The Kingdom of The Old Gods (official), The Demon Kingdom (more used one).

Age: Hard to calculate, likely more than 10000 in humans years but demons perceive time differently.

Strenghts and Weaknesses: The Kingdom is a millitaristic faction, their armies are always top-notch overall. They used to be a long great kingdom but now are reduced for several reasons (defeats to outright genocides against them).

Using your A Commander Is You example. The Demon Kingdom is pretty much a case of:

• Numbers: Initially appear as Elitist but is revealed as Balanced. They take pride on their individuality but eventually learned to summon their own mooks. Albeit they are willing to sacrifice quantity for quality. They are the Elitist compared to The Alliance but Balanced compared to Dominion (who ironically applies more We Have Reserves in its total disregard of the life of their soldiers). Their top soldiers are pretty frightening tho. With Lucifer and Marduk being some of the strongest beings of the setting, worrying even Ultimate Evil Sophia.

• Doctrine: Initially look like a Brute faction due to them being stronger than everyone else but are revealed as The Generalist, their Social Darwinism leads to them being Crazy-Prepared for more issues...except a good Fantastic Nuke in their production base with their soldiers lured to die there.

Basically Balanced/Brute/Generalist (Thought with very powerful elite units) if that makes sense. Their kings are pretty good Diplomats, so that can be added. Albeit their violence as a state makes hard to find allies, is complicated.

Their main weakness is...their might is lose and while they managed to defeat their Arch-Enemy, that still left them weak and damaged but recovering and losing the latter after being invaded for another new enemy. They are a Dying Race and a lot of it is largely self inflicted (thought they are still victims is some levels).

Backstory: Created Eons ago as a nation from gods to gods, it was basically the first large project with our current godly generation (the metaphysics are weird) and covered multiple worlds and realms. But then, their founders had a Civil War where Marduk, the original founder and King died until he resucited himself thousands of years later.

The loyalists to Marduk (which were the most millitaristic and violent ones) were throw to a Pocket Dimension where they spend their time building their army with hopes of defeated the new rule. Especially after getting the help of the Fallen Angel Lucifer who wanted defeat the new rule too.

Eventually, with the help of Sophia (but not Dominion, as it haven't being formed yet) they managed to deal a fatal blow to the Divine Alliance but lose a great part of their armies, which divided itself to create several reigns for their individual members.

The Kingdom is a Vestigial Empire, surviving and rebuilding itself with the help of the Demi-humans, humans that are hybrids between demons and humans. They also help the Axis during WW-2 in one world in a proxy war with the intention of anhilating the remnants of their archenemies.

(Metaphysics in this setting are weird, the infinite universes but apparently "reality" is Mind Screw for everyone but demons. Demons just think in the worlds that "exist now" and ignore the ones "beyond us" while humans are unable to even perceive them. Even if those worlds also have humans)

And then they meet a human invasion. And their demi-humans were genocided and their demon population suffered massive losses, including their leadership. They eventually rebuild with the intention of invading the human world and use it as their new reight, leading to the events of the story.

Edited by KazuyaProta on Sep 29th 2018 at 11:07:07 AM

Watch me destroying my country