Joke thread

I know April Fools' Day has already passed, but one of my friends just showed me something that they from it. Behold the funniest Wild Mass Guessing ever. XD

Planning to marry an incarcerated English teacher has its prose and cons.

But it'll never work out, because you should never end a sentence with a proposition.

i hate myself for understanding that one

A joke that kids told:

What would wendy do without any pets.

SHE WOULD FIND SOME PETS AT THE PET SHOP.

How many ameoba does it take to change a light bub?

One. No wait, two! No, four! Eight! Sixteen! HELP!

How did Caesar decide whether a gladiator deserved to die?

He’d just colo’m how he’d sseum.

East German leader Erich Honecker is on a diplomatic mission in Austria. Various government ministers of East Germany and Austria are introduced.

Finally, a man is introduced as the Minister of the Austrian Navy. Honecker bursts out laughing: "But you have no coastline!"

The Austrians are offended. "We were very polite when the GDR's Minister of Trade was introduced!"

That one was actually posted on this thread before.

Drug dealing isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I just remembered one my friend Max came up with. He came up with it after watching The Village, and it can equally apply to any bad movie.

"Ow! You wasted my time and money, you plot hole!"

Teacher :

"Can you tell me the name of 2 great Kings who borught happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Student :

"Smo-King and Drin-king "

Teacher Resigned !

Text ripped from here: http://i.imgur.com/5jQTMkP

EDIT: Accidently hotlinked an image! Soryy!

Edited by Playing_with_boy on May 25th 2019 at 8:22:21 AM

Your philosophy textbook starts Chapter 1 with the Trolley Dilemma? Talk about hard-hitting.

What do you get when you cross a clown with a paladin?
A jester of goodwill.

What do Ancient Egypt and the Internet have in common?

They both write on walls and worship cats.

Pierre de Fermat walks into a bar.

I have devised a most humorous punchline to this joke, but this margin is too narrow to contain it.

I hate NDAs, but I can't tell you why.

Ok may have been posted, but since I saw Honecker...

Erich Honecker, head of the GDR wakes up. He walks to the window, draws the curtain and looks out at the sun. "Good morning, Mr. Sun!" The sun replies, "Good morning, Erich!"

At noon, Honecker again looks out at a window at the sun, and says, "Good day, Mr. Sun!" The sun again replies, "Good day, Erich!"

Honecker looks at the sun in the evening too, and says, "Good evening, Mr. Sun!"

No reply.

"I said, good evening, Mr. Sun!" he repeats.

"F you, I'm in the west now!!", the sun replies.

Four judges sit next to each other in the corridor of the courthouse. They're all reading or thinking in quiet when one of them suddenly starts to laugh.

"What? What's so funny?", the others ask. "Oh, I just remembered a great joke I heard earlier today, sorry!" "Sounds great, let's hear it, we'd like a laugh!" The judge suddenly stops laughing and turns deadly serious. "There's no way I could do that, I sentenced someone to prison for it!"

Edited by akanesarumara on Jul 23rd 2019 at 6:19:20 PM

There's a party at a penthouse fifty stories high. Two guys are drinking on the couch when one of them suddenly gets an idea. He stands up, turns to his friend, and says "Dude, Bruce, watch this!" Bruce sits back to watch.

The first guy walks up to a random guest near the edge and says, "Hey, wanna something cool?"

The guest says, "Sure!"

The first guy takes a swig of his beer and suddenly leaps over the railing, causing the guest to freak out as he watches him fall down all fifty stories. The guy miraculously lands on his feet completely unharmed, then dashes up the stairs back to the penthouse in just a few seconds. He walks back to the guest laughing and says, "So, what did you think?"

The guest is absolutely amazed. He asks, "How the hell did you do that?!"

The first guy gestures to the beer in his hand. "See this? It's magic beer! Take one sip and you can do anything!" To prove his point, he takes another sip and jumps over the rail again. Sure enough, he safely lands and sprints back up the stairs. "Ta-da!"

The guest starts freaking out with excitement. "That's amazing! Can I give it a try?!"

The first man laughs and says, "Sure, go for it!" He then hands the guest his beer.

"Awesome, thanks!" says the guest. He takes a sip of the beer, jumps over the railing, falls fifty stories, and splatters all over the ground.

The first man laughs hysterically as we walks back to sit with his friend Bruce. "Oh, man! Was that hilarious or what?" he asks.

Bruce simply shakes his head and says, "You're a real dick when you're drunk, Clark."

This one randomly popped into my mind today. I can still remember my younger brother didn't like the funny description the folks at the old computer game magazine PC Accelerator made about the two endings in Warcraft II. I thought that made it funnier. And these are them.

"The orc ending is better if you like hacking your enemies limb from limb. The human ending is better if you like sissy mages and pretty lights."

And just before that, they captioned the orcs and trolls storming the castle as saying this: "Find king! Kill king! Drink beer!" XD

What do you call an old-school hip-hop group that tries to sneak across the border between North and South Korea?

Run-DMZ.

Edited by megarockman on Sep 27th 2019 at 9:12:47 AM

Old radars never die, they just phased-array.

My take on an old hat:

There is a cliff that when you jump off it, you land in a pile of the first thing you say. Three people jump off. The first says "Gold" and lands in a pile of gold. The second says "Silver" and lands in a pile of silver.
The last forgot what they were going to say and instead says "Errr..." after jumping off. Last time I heard, they've still not hit the ground.

There are two key differences in the words Canon and Cannon. Cannon is a projectile weapon that goes boom and shoots things. Canon is an established event that occurs in a story. However, they have one thing in common. They can both destroy ships.

In music, a canon means a round. A ball is round, so does cannon-ball mean round-round?

What does a British rock guitarist say when his sister walks in?

Oh 'ey, sis.

Edited by WilliamRadarStorm on Nov 7th 2019 at 9:12:57 AM