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CompletelyNormalGuy Am I a weirdo? from a place where folks put cream cheese on hot dogs (Oldest One in the Book)
Am I a weirdo?
#251: Nov 11th 2012 at 9:29:26 PM

Ooh. Pirate jokes. I know another pirate joke.

A man walks into a bar, and sees a pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch. He approached the pirate, and said, "Sir. There's a steering wheel on your crotch."

The pirate responded, "I know. It's driving me nuts."

Bigotry will NEVER be welcome on TV Tropes.
PurpleDalek Since: Sep, 2011
#252: Nov 12th 2012 at 3:10:35 AM

The other day, I saw a man in the park feeding the birds.

I wonder how long he's been dead.

LoniJay from Australia Since: Dec, 2009 Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
#253: Nov 12th 2012 at 3:20:21 AM

A burglar was breaking into a house. Once he got inside it was pitch black, and he was fumbling around looking for the light switch when he heard a voice.

"Jesus is watching you!" it said. The burglar froze, but when minutes went past without him hearing anything else, he decided he had imagined it and kept going.

"Jesus is watching you!" the voice said again. The burglar finally find the light switch and turned it on.

"Jesus is watching you!" said a large parrot in a cage.

"Oh, you're just a parrot!" the burglar exclaimed. "You scared me to death! You're very good at talking."

"Yeah, well, I've had a long time to learn," the parrot said. "My name is Albert."

"Albert's a funny name for a parrot."

"Not as funny as 'Jesus' for a Rottweiler."

edited 12th Nov '12 3:24:43 AM by LoniJay

Be not afraid...
kay4today Princess Ymir's knightess from Austria Since: Jan, 2011
Princess Ymir's knightess
#254: Nov 12th 2012 at 3:22:17 AM

A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says: "Get the fuck out of here."

CompletelyNormalGuy Am I a weirdo? from a place where folks put cream cheese on hot dogs (Oldest One in the Book)
Am I a weirdo?
#255: Nov 12th 2012 at 8:09:02 PM

I got threatened with violence for telling this one at work, but I'm going to share it with you anyway.

I hear calculus was particularly popular among the civil rights movement. They were all for integration.

Bigotry will NEVER be welcome on TV Tropes.
MasterInferno It's Like Arguing on the Internet from Tomb of Malevolence Since: Dec, 2009 Relationship Status: And they all lived happily ever after <3
It's Like Arguing on the Internet
#256: Nov 12th 2012 at 8:14:15 PM

When is the first time tennis is mentioned in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Somehow you know that the time is right.
BrainSewage from that one place Since: Jan, 2001
#257: Nov 18th 2012 at 8:14:31 PM

My other favorite joke:

These two midgets are roommates, and they each decide to get a hooker for the night. The first midget is laying there all night, and he just can't get an erection to save his life. All night, form across the hall, he hears, "One, two, three...uuunnnnnhhhhh!"

The next morning, he goes up to his roommate and says, "Man, last night sucked. I couldn't get it up for more than five seconds." To which his roommate replies,

"That's nothing. I couldn't even get up onto the bed!"

How dare you disrupt the sanctity of my soliloquy?
BlueNinja0 The Mod with the Migraine from Taking a left at Albuquerque Since: Dec, 2010 Relationship Status: Showing feelings of an almost human nature
The Mod with the Migraine
#258: Nov 18th 2012 at 9:16:30 PM

A New York billionaire has announced he's designing the Titanic Mk II. In related news God has announced he is planned the Iceberg Mk II.

That’s the epitome of privilege right there, not considering armed nazis a threat to your life. - Silasw
Mukora Uniocular from a place Since: Jan, 2010 Relationship Status: I made a point to burn all of the photographs
Uniocular
#259: Nov 19th 2012 at 3:46:15 AM

What do you call an alcoholic with twenty kids?

A bus driver.

"It's so hard to be humble, knowing how great I am."
OrangeSpider Must Keep The Web Intact from Ursalia Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: On the prowl
Must Keep The Web Intact
#260: Nov 21st 2012 at 9:27:29 AM

A highly-sarcastic person is a lot like onions.

It has multiple layers.

And as you peel off the layers, you realise every layer is the same and you start crying.

The Great Northern Threadkill.
MasterInferno It's Like Arguing on the Internet from Tomb of Malevolence Since: Dec, 2009 Relationship Status: And they all lived happily ever after <3
It's Like Arguing on the Internet
#261: Nov 21st 2012 at 10:25:12 PM

Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Somehow you know that the time is right.
truteal animation elitist from the great southern land Since: Sep, 2009
animation elitist
#262: Nov 22nd 2012 at 12:00:45 PM

A Sane Brony is okay with art of the Mane Six as humans as long as it's well drawn

A Militant Brony is okay with art of the Mane Six as humans as long as the Mane Six in said art are all Caucasian and have hourglass figures

http://s1.zetaboards.com/Conceptual_Evolution/ http://sagan4.com/forum/index.php
Zephid Since: Jan, 2001
#263: Nov 22nd 2012 at 3:50:09 PM

Protestant Christian humor:

A Methodist is a Baptist with shoes, a Presbyterian is a Methodist with a college education, and an Episcopalian is a Presbyterian with a trust fund.

I wrote about a fish turning into the moon.
DrFurball Since: Jan, 2001
#264: Nov 22nd 2012 at 3:54:18 PM

70% of people masturbate in the shower. The other 30% sing. Do you know what song they sing?

I guess that shows which group you're part of, then.

Now that I've typed it out, I see that one works better if someone asks "No, what?"

MorwenEdhelwen Aussie Tolkien freak from Sydney, Australia Since: Jul, 2012
Aussie Tolkien freak
#265: Nov 25th 2012 at 1:25:45 AM

@Master Inferno:tongue

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
tendollarlameo Remarkably Unremarkable Since: Aug, 2010
Remarkably Unremarkable
#266: Nov 25th 2012 at 1:26:12 AM

My love life.

MorwenEdhelwen Aussie Tolkien freak from Sydney, Australia Since: Jul, 2012
Aussie Tolkien freak
#267: Nov 25th 2012 at 1:32:10 AM

@tendollar: Your love life is a joke? Why does everyone say that?

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
MorwenEdhelwen Aussie Tolkien freak from Sydney, Australia Since: Jul, 2012
Aussie Tolkien freak
#268: Dec 5th 2012 at 4:12:11 PM

A woman is driving on a road. Her husband is at home listening to the news and the newscaster says "Be careful on that road, there's a lunatic driving the wrong way!" The man calls his wife and tells her to be careful because there's a lunatic driving the wrong way. And she says, "What do you mean? There's heaps of them!"

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
TheGirlWithPointyEars Never Ask Me the Odds from Outer Space Since: Dec, 2009
Never Ask Me the Odds
#269: Dec 6th 2012 at 7:36:24 AM

Just a comment about the "Kingdom of Mee" joke a while back... I thought the punchline was going to be something like, 'you're not the boss of Mee!' tongue

I once knew a mathematician who, despite stereotypes, was a good athlete and loved playing tennis. He and his regular playing partner could keep up a volley for a very, very long time. Frustration would always set in whenever, inevitably, one of them would get a point, though, even it was himself and it meant he was winning. He was fascinated by infinite sets, you see.

She of Short Stature & Impeccable Logic My Skating Liveblog
MidnightRambler Ich bin nicht schuld! 's ist Gottes Plan! from Germania Inferior Since: Mar, 2011
Ich bin nicht schuld! 's ist Gottes Plan!
#270: Dec 6th 2012 at 8:45:05 AM

Charlie McCrook is planning to break into the giant mansion of Gaston le Posh. In the middle of the night, he packs his crowbar, as well as other tools that will come in handy, and heads for the mansion. However, he is stopped by police before he gets there. Seeing the equipment he is carrying, they get suspicious and arrest him. He is charged with attempted burglary.

'That's ridiculous!', he protests. 'I didn't even touch the house!'
'No, but you were carrying the tools to do it!', the prosecutor says.
Frustrated, Charlie replies, 'Well, then go ahead and charge me with attempted rape, as well - after all, I'm carrying the tools to do it!'

edited 6th Dec '12 8:45:54 AM by MidnightRambler

Mache dich, mein Herze, rein...
BrotherMycroft Dapper Gentleman Since: Jul, 2012
Dapper Gentleman
#271: Dec 6th 2012 at 9:32:58 AM

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of pavement held under his arm. "I'd like a martini," he tells the bartender, "and one for the road."

"And every life is a special story of its own." —The Stargazer, Mass Effect 3
TheMike Bo "Jangles" Wyatt Since: Jan, 2011 Relationship Status: Non-Canon
Bo "Jangles" Wyatt
#272: Dec 11th 2012 at 7:51:49 AM

A girl was texting and driving the other day, and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

In the backyard, buried deep underneath the tree There's a monster, takin' root in the property...
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#273: Dec 11th 2012 at 9:55:42 AM

[up]I did not realize I had clicked the joke thread at first and was very confused as to why you would do such a thnig.

Read my stories!
CalamityJane from None of your business Since: Mar, 2010 Relationship Status: Robosexual
#274: Dec 11th 2012 at 6:18:34 PM

Once upon a time, there was a group of children in a kindergarten doing crafts for the holidays. During these arts and crafts, one of the children refused to make any stockings or tree ornaments. Concerned, the teacher believed that he was being bullied for not making them correctly.

The next day, the teacher gave a lecture about bullying. All the children then acted like a veritable hugbox, and nobody's craft designs or drawings were teased. Still the boy did not make any ornaments or stockings. She figured it may have been because he was a different religion.

The day after, she made a lecture about religious tolerance, the importance of other holidays such as Hanukkah, and encouraged the children to draw things from other holidays. All of the children then began to make their own paper menorahs to hand to their parents, but still the boy would not make any crafts for the holidays at all.

Finally, the teacher asked the little boy why he did not make any crafts for the three days she had been teaching them how. The little boy responded "Sorry ma'am, I'm blind."

Please consider supporting my artwork on Patreon
MorwenEdhelwen Aussie Tolkien freak from Sydney, Australia Since: Jul, 2012
Aussie Tolkien freak
#275: Dec 15th 2012 at 7:10:43 AM

@CJ: smile wink

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien

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