A burglar was breaking into a house. Once he got inside it was pitch black, and he was fumbling around looking for the light switch when he heard a voice.
"Jesus is watching you!" it said. The burglar froze, but when minutes went past without him hearing anything else, he decided he had imagined it and kept going.
"Jesus is watching you!" the voice said again. The burglar finally find the light switch and turned it on.
"Jesus is watching you!" said a large parrot in a cage.
"Oh, you're just a parrot!" the burglar exclaimed. "You scared me to death! You're very good at talking."
"Yeah, well, I've had a long time to learn," the parrot said. "My name is Albert."
"Albert's a funny name for a parrot."
"Not as funny as 'Jesus' for a Rottweiler."
edited 12th Nov '12 3:24:43 AM by LoniJay
Be not afraid...My other favorite joke:
These two midgets are roommates, and they each decide to get a hooker for the night. The first midget is laying there all night, and he just can't get an erection to save his life. All night, form across the hall, he hears, "One, two, three...uuunnnnnhhhhh!"
The next morning, he goes up to his roommate and says, "Man, last night sucked. I couldn't get it up for more than five seconds." To which his roommate replies,
"That's nothing. I couldn't even get up onto the bed!"
How dare you disrupt the sanctity of my soliloquy?A Sane Brony is okay with art of the Mane Six as humans as long as it's well drawn
A Militant Brony is okay with art of the Mane Six as humans as long as the Mane Six in said art are all Caucasian and have hourglass figures
http://s1.zetaboards.com/Conceptual_Evolution/ http://sagan4.com/forum/index.phpA woman is driving on a road. Her husband is at home listening to the news and the newscaster says "Be careful on that road, there's a lunatic driving the wrong way!" The man calls his wife and tells her to be careful because there's a lunatic driving the wrong way. And she says, "What do you mean? There's heaps of them!"
The road goes ever on. -TolkienJust a comment about the "Kingdom of Mee" joke a while back... I thought the punchline was going to be something like, 'you're not the boss of Mee!'
I once knew a mathematician who, despite stereotypes, was a good athlete and loved playing tennis. He and his regular playing partner could keep up a volley for a very, very long time. Frustration would always set in whenever, inevitably, one of them would get a point, though, even it was himself and it meant he was winning. He was fascinated by infinite sets, you see.
She of Short Stature & Impeccable Logic My Skating LiveblogCharlie McCrook is planning to break into the giant mansion of Gaston le Posh. In the middle of the night, he packs his crowbar, as well as other tools that will come in handy, and heads for the mansion. However, he is stopped by police before he gets there. Seeing the equipment he is carrying, they get suspicious and arrest him. He is charged with attempted burglary.
'That's ridiculous!', he protests. 'I didn't even touch the house!'
'No, but you were carrying the tools to do it!', the prosecutor says.
Frustrated, Charlie replies, 'Well, then go ahead and charge me with attempted rape, as well - after all, I'm carrying the tools to do it!'
edited 6th Dec '12 8:45:54 AM by MidnightRambler
Mache dich, mein Herze, rein...
I did not realize I had clicked the joke thread at first and was very confused as to why you would do such a thnig.
Once upon a time, there was a group of children in a kindergarten doing crafts for the holidays. During these arts and crafts, one of the children refused to make any stockings or tree ornaments. Concerned, the teacher believed that he was being bullied for not making them correctly.
The next day, the teacher gave a lecture about bullying. All the children then acted like a veritable hugbox, and nobody's craft designs or drawings were teased. Still the boy did not make any ornaments or stockings. She figured it may have been because he was a different religion.
The day after, she made a lecture about religious tolerance, the importance of other holidays such as Hanukkah, and encouraged the children to draw things from other holidays. All of the children then began to make their own paper menorahs to hand to their parents, but still the boy would not make any crafts for the holidays at all.
Finally, the teacher asked the little boy why he did not make any crafts for the three days she had been teaching them how. The little boy responded "Sorry ma'am, I'm blind."
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Ooh. Pirate jokes. I know another pirate joke.
A man walks into a bar, and sees a pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch. He approached the pirate, and said, "Sir. There's a steering wheel on your crotch."
The pirate responded, "I know. It's driving me nuts."
Bigotry will NEVER be welcome on TV Tropes.