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Is it seen as a bad thing for guys to turn down sex?

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HiddenFacedMatt Avatars may be subject to change without notice. Since: Jul, 2011
Avatars may be subject to change without notice.
#1: Mar 2nd 2012 at 8:41:05 AM

I was recently taking a nostalgia-look at an older thread of mine, *

and one theme that got mentioned a few times in it was the notion that, if you're a guy, turning down offers of sex with attractive women is looked down on.

What would instead be likely to happen is that the 16 year old boy, even if he was uncomfortable with the situation, would think it shameful to voice his discomfort, and perhaps even just to refuse the advances: after all, a man who rejects a reasonably attractive woman is not much of a man.

Afterall, you'd probably be seen as unmanly if you were actively refusing sexual intercourse with an attractive older woman. In this case, we "just" have to shift culture to find it acceptable that no matter the gender a person can admit to not wanting sexual intercourse.

Etc... of course, I've seen similar things claimed outside this site, let alone that thread, but I can't help but wonder what it's based on. I got the impression that the disdain for male virgins was based on the assumption that they couldn't get women to have sex with them, not that they'd choose not to. Of course, there are a variety of reasons for a guy to turn down sex; or just not actively seek it out; but believing that guys who could get sex "wouldn't" turn it down isn't the same thing as believing that they "shouldn't."

So, I guess the starting question (or starting pair-of-questions?) here is about who would think badly of a guy's decision to turn down sex, and why.

edited 2nd Mar '12 8:45:35 AM by HiddenFacedMatt

"The Daily Show has to be right 100% of the time; FOX News only has to be right once." - Jon Stewart
HiddenFacedMatt Avatars may be subject to change without notice. Since: Jul, 2011
Avatars may be subject to change without notice.
#2: Mar 10th 2012 at 9:45:33 AM

A mod mentioned having forgotten to open this until now, so I figure I'll bump this so it won't as easily be missed.

"The Daily Show has to be right 100% of the time; FOX News only has to be right once." - Jon Stewart
Firebert That One Guy from Somewhere in Illinois Since: Jan, 2001
That One Guy
#3: Mar 10th 2012 at 9:55:11 AM

No. It's all up to the guy and his personal beliefs, and most people will respect that.

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DeMarquis (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#4: Mar 10th 2012 at 12:16:05 PM

Lots of men use their attraction to women as a basis of their male identity and male-male bonding. In those circles, turning down sex is like a politician turning down money.

I'm done trying to sound smart. "Clear" is the new smart.
MyGodItsFullofStars Since: Feb, 2011
#5: Mar 10th 2012 at 12:41:09 PM

My question is why would you turn down sex with an attractive woman in the first place? There has to be a reason somewhere in there. I get turning her down if, say, you feel like you are in a situation where you are taking advantage of her (say, if she were drunk), or if you have feelings for someone else, or if you don't believe in sex before marriage, but if you don't have that sort of baggage, I say go for it - you mind find it to be fun.

The thing is, usually in these cases people ASSUME the reason you turned her down is because you are gay, so if for whatever reason you do want to turn down an attractive woman you had best have a reason for doing so unless you want that kind of a reputation.

johnnyfog Actual Wrestling Legend from the Zocalo Since: Apr, 2010 Relationship Status: They can't hide forever. We've got satellites.
Actual Wrestling Legend
#6: Mar 10th 2012 at 12:48:11 PM

I suppose if you're offered sex on a regular basis, unlike, oh, 99.9% of the population, it's no biggie to turn it down.

I'm a skeptical squirrel
0dd1 Just awesome like that from Nowhere Land Since: Sep, 2009
Just awesome like that
#7: Mar 10th 2012 at 12:49:43 PM

[up][up]Yeah, being gay is the worst reputation you can ever have.

In all seriousness, isn't it kind of obvious that someone would have a reason for turning it down? Also, I think part of the reason it's seen as a bad thing for guys to turn down sex is the stigma that, when it comes to sex, guys are the hunters and gals are the hunted, so to speak. It is not thought of as a common occurrence for a woman to want sex more than a guy does, because apparently all men are hornier than ska music.

edited 10th Mar '12 12:50:01 PM by 0dd1

Insert witty and clever quip here. My page, as the database hates my handle.
LoniJay from Australia Since: Dec, 2009 Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
#8: Mar 10th 2012 at 4:43:46 PM

Well, it's acceptable for a girl to simply not feel like sex at the moment, but apparently not for a guy.

I mean, it's a bodily urge, but nobody is horny 24/7. Sometimes, mightn't the prospect of sex just be not especially appealing?

Be not afraid...
DrunkGirlfriend from Castle Geekhaven Since: Jan, 2011
#9: Mar 10th 2012 at 4:45:52 PM

I'd say that it really depends on who you want to listen to. I've seen guys (and girls!) get a lot of flack for having an active sex life, and I've seen guys get a lot of flack for preferring to abstain.

edited 10th Mar '12 4:46:13 PM by DrunkGirlfriend

"I don't know how I do it. I'm like the Mr. Bean of sex." -Drunkscriblerian
Carciofus Is that cake frosting? from Alpha Tucanae I Since: May, 2010
Is that cake frosting?
#10: Mar 10th 2012 at 5:08:54 PM

Well, everybody knows that all males are always after sex — and only sex, mind you: not only they are never "not in the mood", but they do not care in the least about emotional compatibility or affection or other sissy stuff like that. A true male is nothing but a support system for his genitalia, just as a true female is nothing but a support system for her future offspring.

Therefore, as popular evolutionary psychology says (and popular evolutionary psychology is SCIENCE and 100% correct in all cases), women withhold sex from the perpetually horny males in order to get them to provide housing and care and status and cuddles (which all males are genetically predisposed to hate, exactly as all females are genetically predisposed to hate sex).

For a male — any male — any reasonably attractive female offering consequence-free sex is nothing short of a dream come true. It is literally the one and only purpose of their lives. If a male's behaviour does not appear to follow this pattern, then it clearly means that they are gay, And That's Terrible.

edited 10th Mar '12 5:11:44 PM by Carciofus

But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Omelas.
Octo Prince of Dorne from Germany Since: Mar, 2011
Prince of Dorne
#11: Mar 10th 2012 at 5:21:06 PM

No. It's all up to the guy and his personal beliefs, and most people will respect that.
Well. That's the ideal, and it certainly holds true in many environments but, well, unfortunately not all. It's of course not a good thing, but it exists, and it is a form of sexism. A form of sexism imposed on men mostly by other men, mind, as actually most enforcing of masculine stereotypes is.

So I obviously do not agree with that view, that it should be seen as bad - but the OP asked whether this is a thing, and yes it clearly is.

My question is why would you turn down sex with an attractive woman in the first place?
And it's precisely that attitude...

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0dd1 Just awesome like that from Nowhere Land Since: Sep, 2009
Just awesome like that
#12: Mar 10th 2012 at 5:28:12 PM

@Carcio: Augh...I agree with your point, but the pure, oozing sarcasm is at a level that's extremely painful to me. Maybe I should take some Tylenol or something.

Insert witty and clever quip here. My page, as the database hates my handle.
IraTheSquire Since: Apr, 2010
#13: Mar 10th 2012 at 5:59:10 PM

@ Carcio: Most. Awesome. Post. Ever. [lol]

The fact is, the relationship between behavior and genetics (and as in all things genetic, environmental factors play a role too) has rather iffy supporting evidence at the moment and should not be thought of as "fact". And psychology can get iffy at times.

RTaco Since: Jul, 2009
#14: Mar 10th 2012 at 6:22:20 PM

I don't think it'd be considered bad, at least among the people I know. If anything, he'd be praised for being so in-control of his urges. Whether that kind of stereotype is any better is...arguable.

@ Carcio: I applaud you for not potholing that post. Sarcasm without subtlety is never any good.

NickTheSwing Since: Aug, 2009
#15: Mar 10th 2012 at 6:25:20 PM

In popular culture, outside TV Tropes, yes, it is seen as a bad thing. You're viewed as a wimp by people, they might spread rumors about you being gay, or something else malicious.

It is quite fascinating how different we are on here from groups in the world, specifically the high school crowds and such, even in college there is an urge to have sex between peers.

0dd1 Just awesome like that from Nowhere Land Since: Sep, 2009
Just awesome like that
#16: Mar 10th 2012 at 7:07:22 PM

outside TV Tropes, yes
Maybe we're not so much "holier than thou" here, since I've seen plenty of people on here (without naming names, obviously) who could not possibly imagining anyone turning down sex or being abstinent or what have you.

Insert witty and clever quip here. My page, as the database hates my handle.
Octo Prince of Dorne from Germany Since: Mar, 2011
Prince of Dorne
#17: Mar 10th 2012 at 7:09:32 PM

Yeah, very true. And it's not like TVT is the only island of hope in a sea of absurdness, either. I think actually quite many people will understand if men turn down sex. But, as was said, in popular culture... yeah.

Unbent, Unbowed, Unbroken. Unrelated ME1 Fanfic
0dd1 Just awesome like that from Nowhere Land Since: Sep, 2009
Just awesome like that
#18: Mar 10th 2012 at 7:11:30 PM

I've never actually seen it, but isn't the movie The Forty Year Old Virgin inherently at least partially based on this idea?

edited 10th Mar '12 7:11:48 PM by 0dd1

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DrunkGirlfriend from Castle Geekhaven Since: Jan, 2011
#19: Mar 10th 2012 at 7:12:07 PM

I dunno, society has been trending towards favoring abstinence for a while now. At least, my boyfriend gets a lot of shit for having an active sex life.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

"I don't know how I do it. I'm like the Mr. Bean of sex." -Drunkscriblerian
Firebert That One Guy from Somewhere in Illinois Since: Jan, 2001
That One Guy
#20: Mar 10th 2012 at 7:15:13 PM

[up][up] You would think so, but in actuality it rips the idea to shreds.

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0dd1 Just awesome like that from Nowhere Land Since: Sep, 2009
Just awesome like that
#21: Mar 10th 2012 at 7:15:45 PM

Well, I said based on, not in support of.

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NickTheSwing Since: Aug, 2009
#22: Mar 10th 2012 at 7:16:11 PM

That abstinence thing coming up is the result of some religious groups gaining in converts, mostly due to school activities by CEF. Or such was my perception, based on some actual experiences.

Some of my friends get a lot of flak for being abstinent until marriage, other get flak for having an active sex life, I myself have been called "Sir Manwhore" numerous times.

edited 10th Mar '12 7:18:19 PM by NickTheSwing

Octo Prince of Dorne from Germany Since: Mar, 2011
Prince of Dorne
#23: Mar 10th 2012 at 7:18:11 PM

[up][up][up]Something not possible if this were not in fact a thing...

Unbent, Unbowed, Unbroken. Unrelated ME1 Fanfic
ThatHuman someone from someplace Since: Jun, 2010
someone
#24: Mar 10th 2012 at 7:24:42 PM

[up][up] So basically, a person can get a lot of flak regardless of how they live their life?

edited 10th Mar '12 7:24:52 PM by ThatHuman

something
DrunkGirlfriend from Castle Geekhaven Since: Jan, 2011
#25: Mar 10th 2012 at 7:25:01 PM

[up] Pretty much, yeah.

"I don't know how I do it. I'm like the Mr. Bean of sex." -Drunkscriblerian

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