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unlikelyauthor from the forge Since: Sep, 2012 Relationship Status: I like big bots and I can not lie
#16976: Oct 9th 2017 at 1:41:02 PM

I don't remember it ever being mentioned Scathach having a threesome with her daughter. All that the legend said was that they both had slept with Cu.

Fate Grand Order players will know me as Ryusei-Go.
SCMof2814 Since: Nov, 2010 Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
unlikelyauthor from the forge Since: Sep, 2012 Relationship Status: I like big bots and I can not lie
#16978: Oct 9th 2017 at 5:59:37 PM

Really? Damn. I am now imagining Dresden reaction to finding that out in 2814.

Fate Grand Order players will know me as Ryusei-Go.
SCMof2814 Since: Nov, 2010 Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
#16979: Oct 9th 2017 at 8:29:35 PM

And now the War begins in earnest!

“Yeah, cut out the twincesty stuff,” Jeanne Alter said impolitely. “Stop making us look as bad as the Irish!”

“Oops,” the Maries said in stereo and a weird accent. “Pardon us, we fucked up.”

“Their Highnesses colloquialisms are improving,” D'eon said with a smile.

“They sound like Astolfo practicing American sitcom slang,” the Avenger of Monte Cristo said. Astolof nodded cheerfully in agreement.

The Marie fanclub glared at him, and Jeanne thumped her staff down to get their attention. “Peace! We cannot turn against ourselves now! Not when there are the English to face!”

“Okay, that's it,” Jeanne Alter snapped. She pointed at Ruler Jeanne accusingly. “Why the fuck are you in charge of this?-! I'm the Evil Servant of Hatred, Vengeance, and Dark, Gritty Edge! What you know about revenge wouldn't fill a post-it note, even if you had Bunyan do the writing!”

“Sister,” Jeanne said, smiling a dazzling, saintly smileTM©. “Of the two of us, which of us has actually managed to significantly effect a war against the English? Without having to cheat with dragons and mandatory Mad Enhancement, I might add?”

“W-why are you smiling like Ritsuko all of a sudden?” Jeanne Alter said, suddenly finding herself ten feet farther back and Lancer Jeanne Alter Santa Lily fully awake and cowering behind her.

“Oh no, I am MOST DEFINITELY NOT smiling like Master Ritsuko at all,” Jeanne said. “Master Ritsuko has a radiant, heroic smileTM©, which is completely different from my dazzling, saintly smileTM©. See? Completely different.” She smiled. It was very dazzling, very saintly, trademarked and copyrighted.

“JEANNE!” Caster Gilles cheered, wiping a tear from his eyes. Ah, to see his holy maiden so beautifully determined to kick English ass… it reminded him so much of the good old days!

“I blame you for this,” Saber Gilles accused him, even as the good and noble knight wiped a tear from his eye. Ah, to see his holy maiden so beautifully determined to kick English ass…!

“Whoa…” Astolfo 'whoa'd'. “Regular Jeanne can be scary too! Who knew?”

“Follow me, my fellow Frenchmen,” she cried, pointing dramatically upwards. “Let us show the bloody English we are not to be trifled with! Onward and upwards!”

“The English live downstairs,” Jeanne Alter said blandly.

Jeanne pointed downward. “Follow me, my fellow Frenchmen! Lets us stomp down on the damned English!”

Edmond Dantes sniffed, straightening from leaning against the wall and turning away. “Count me out. This nonsense has nothing that interests me. ”

“We shall have vengeance against the les goddams at last for the last time we fought against them!”

The other Avenger immediately turned around. “Well, if there's going to be vengeance, I might as well get in on it,” he said.


In hindsight, no one was ever sure who really attacked first. The French said the English made the first move, and they were just defending themselves. The English countered that the untrustworthy French had obviously attacked first, and they were but helpless victims who had been roused to anger.

Thus began the Second Anglo-French Chaldea Civil War, but we won't get into that now, since we haven't even finished the first yet.

When the dust settled after the opening volleys, however, Tristan had been defeated.

“Stupid Englishman,” Lancer Liz said, shaking her head later upon being interviewed by Leonardo Da Vinci-chan for what had happened.

“He could have won, if he'd let go of his pride,” Brave (Saber) Liz said, sighing. “Really, why do knights feel they have to take every duel they're challenged to?”

“He really shouldn't have let Mozart challenge him to a music-off,” Caster Liz said, though she was grinning broadly as she said it. Caster pride, yo! Let's see who's squishy now, you stupid Archer!

As the redhead was dragged off to be brought to the questionably tender mercies of Nightingale by a helpful Tawara Touta, and Leonardo went of to try and get the Master to reign in this latest batch of troublemaking, the 3 Liz (who were hoping they'd get a Rider Liz this year, or maybe even (Void) Liz Alter from their Extella days!) went off to spread the word of this juicy, juicy gossip.

While many Servants looked upon this turn of events with amusement, a few of the more Early Modern Servants born within the last 500 years, mostly of European descent, sighed and decided to barricade themselves until the Artorias finally killed all the French (purely on the basis that they'll probably never run out of new Artorias). Tesla, Blavatsky, Paracelsus, and both Vlads found a room and sealed themselves away, leaving a big sign on the outside for any Englishmen and French to go away. They were just glad of the dearth of Deutschland Servants, or this might have gotten REALLY messy.

The English retaliated, of course. They called upon the heroes of Britain to their banner, and had it been any other English ruler, there was a good chance they'd have been told to take a hike. However, they were called by Artoria (x10) , and even Robin Hood, the anti-social jerk, had enough respect for the Once and Future King(s) to come. Only Boudica, who even they acknowledged was from far back enough to get a pass, and Teach, who they forgot about, didn't come when the call came about.

And so, outnumbering the French greatly, Robin Hood, both pairs of Mary and Anne, and Francis 'Most-Definitely-Not-Queen-Elizabeth' Drake launched a daring raid into French territory!


“The cakes!” Astolfo cried as he reported on his knees before the thrones, tears streaming down his face in abject misery. “They stole all the cakes! Everyone one of the cakes in the Royal Refrigerator are gone!”

edited 9th Oct '17 8:31:10 PM by SCMof2814

Krika Since: Dec, 2010
MarqFJA The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer from Deserts of the Middle East (Before Recorded History) Relationship Status: Anime is my true love
The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer
#16981: Oct 10th 2017 at 6:24:39 PM

Where's Jackie in all of this? She's English-born and lived her entire life in London, at the very least.

Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus.
SCMof2814 Since: Nov, 2010 Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
#16982: Oct 10th 2017 at 6:44:03 PM

See here:

“The cakes!” Astolfo cried as he reported on his knees before the thrones, tears streaming down his face in abject misery. “They stole all the cakes! Every one of the cakes in the Royal Refrigerator are gone!”

Both Maries gasped in shock. “Is… is there truly nothing left?” Caster Marie said, voice trembling.

At the question, Astolfo looked like they were going to puke, turning away hastily. Alarmed, Caster Marie turned to Lancer Jeanne Alter Santa Lily, who had accompanied him to get the cakes.

The little Santa had a haunted look in her eyes. “There was this pie… at least, we thought it was a pie… but… but…” Abruptly she shuddered, turning as green as her mistletoe. “It was filled with slimy… ick… do the English actually eat those things?-!-?-!-?-!” she suddenly wailed.

Rider Marie gasped. “Was it that bad?”

“It looked like something Gilles called up with that book of his,” Astolfo said, sounding like he'd just been subjected to the Tsukihime anime (that doesn't exist). “It smelled like mint and yeast! There were baked beans on it!”

Everyone shuddered, knowing very well the horrors of English food from their days alive.

“How dare they imply the Queens should eat English cooking!” D'eon seethed. “I wouldn't feed English food to a trash compactor!”

“It's not food,” Sanson reminded him. “I don't know what it is, but we shouldn't dignify it with the term 'food'. Where is High Commander Jeanne?”

“Trying to calm down older sister me,” Lancer Jeanne Alter Santa Lily said. “It looks like they also stole her rum cake.”

A few doors away, they could hear the rage of the Dragon Witch.

“She doesn't seem to be succeeding,” Mozart said.

“I'm sure my holy maiden older sister isn't intentionally getting her mad so she run charging at the English and set them on fire,” Lancer Jeanne Alter Santa Lily said blandly. “That would be an un-holy maidenly thing to do and would probably put her on the Naughty List. So she's most definitely not doing it.”

“I'LL RIP YOUR NON-FUNCTIONING TONGUES OUT THROUGH YOUR ASSES AND FEED THEM TO YOU!” came the roar from the other room. “THAT WAS GOOD RUM, YOU BASTARDS!”

“Yes, definitely a very naughty, un-holy maidenly thing to do,” Lancer Jeanne Alter Santa Lily said.


“This is good cake,” Francis 'Most-Definitely-Not-Queen-Elizabeth' Drake said as she helped herself to another messy slice. “Good rum too.”

“I still think this was a terrible idea,” Saber Lily said, abstaining from any cake in protest even though the front of her white dress was getting a little moist from how much she was drooling at the sight.

“Yeah, well, it was the French,” Mordred said, taking a huge swallow of cake and then grabbing a tissue and wiping Saber Lily's drool. They tried not to melt like a puppy at the grateful smile on the smaller girl's face. “A win's a win.”

“And we didn't have to build any rabbits this time!” Saber Lancelot said with a happy sigh. His Berserker self growled in agreement. The latter for once has his helmet down, as it was very awkward to try and eat cake through a helm. Him being Lancelot, he was actually using his utensils quite skillfully.

“The rabbit would have worked,” Bedivere said, but didn't push it further. This was really good cake, after all.

The Artorias of the Round Table (and assorted attached knights) had decided to use the stolen cakes to hold a celebration of the latest victory. It served the purpose of showing that the cake was being properly distributed, and to more securely entice the various heroes they'd called to them. Jack the Ripper was happily chowing down on her slice, having wandered back in after the initial call (since she'd been curious as to why she'd been invited, as she usually wasn't invited to anything but Nursery Rhyme's tea parties), and was looking more amendable to staying. Sherlock Holmes was at his ease, not seeming bothered by the fact he was eating stolen cake and ignoring Shakespeare expounding on his favorite subject (himself). The Marys and Annes were getting chummy as they ate, and Dr. Jekyll was awkwardly trying to remind them they were in public. Robin Hood and Waver Velvet were smoking in their isolated corner, ignoring Nightingale's lecture on the dangers of tobacco and secondhand smoke. Babbage had politely excused himself earlier to keep everyone's cakes from getting soggy from steam.

They were in the midst of eating when a goddess barged into the room. Twice

“SAIBA!” the goddesses Archer and Rider Ishtar declared, before coughing and throttling back on the Japanese accent.

“They mean her,” Saber Alter told Lily as the younger one looked about to reply, pointing at the blue-clad Artoria.

“How can you just sit there and eat cake!” Archer Ishtar accused, pointing dramatically. “This is serious!”

“Really serious!” her Rider self agreed. “It's a catastrophe! Even Gilgamesh can't claim he knows anything bigger!”

Saber Artoria frowned. “What happened Rin?”

“ISHTAR!” they corrected in unison. “This is all your fault, you stupid Artorias!” the Rider declared.

“The French have kidnapped Nameless and are holding his food ransom!” the Archer wailed. “Tamamo Cat can't handle all the cooking by herself and quit!!”

Shocked silence fell.

“Damn it Shirou, why do you keep getting captured!” Saber cried.

She has no beef with the French, what with being friends with Lancer Jeanne Alter Santa Lily and Bunyan (who is Canadian and thus partly French, and also of the Commonwealth, and thus partly English).

edited 10th Oct '17 6:47:37 PM by SCMof2814

unlikelyauthor from the forge Since: Sep, 2012 Relationship Status: I like big bots and I can not lie
#16983: Oct 10th 2017 at 7:00:29 PM

I thought Canadians hated French Canadians on principal. Kind of like how Americans hate people from Jersey and Italians have a low opinion of Sicilians.

Fate Grand Order players will know me as Ryusei-Go.
SCMof2814 Since: Nov, 2010 Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
#16984: Oct 10th 2017 at 7:04:27 PM

Yes, but Jackie is neither, so whatever kind of Canadian Bunyan is, she's cool with it.

edited 10th Oct '17 7:04:35 PM by SCMof2814

MarqFJA The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer from Deserts of the Middle East (Before Recorded History) Relationship Status: Anime is my true love
The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer
#16985: Oct 10th 2017 at 8:32:59 PM

You wrote "amendable" instead of "amenable". Also, the Engrish version of "Saber" is romanized as "Seiba(a)", not "Saiba(a)".

“Damn it Shirou, why do you keep getting captured!” Saber cried.
Someone needs to remind her that she got captured herself twice in FSN, once in UBW (by Medea, to be rescued by Shirou and Rin) and once in Heaven's Feel (by the Shadow, which proceeded to turn her into an Elite Minion), so she has no room to talk.

Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus.
32ndfreeze Since: Mar, 2012
#16986: Oct 10th 2017 at 10:43:15 PM

Shirou getting damsel-ed is pretty great.

unlikelyauthor from the forge Since: Sep, 2012 Relationship Status: I like big bots and I can not lie
#16987: Oct 11th 2017 at 2:43:11 AM

What kind of pie did the English leave?

Fate Grand Order players will know me as Ryusei-Go.
SCMof2814 Since: Nov, 2010 Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
#16988: Oct 11th 2017 at 4:27:25 AM

A jellied eel pie with mint sauce, marmite and baked beans, cooked by people who can't cook.

edited 11th Oct '17 4:27:41 AM by SCMof2814

unlikelyauthor from the forge Since: Sep, 2012 Relationship Status: I like big bots and I can not lie
#16989: Oct 11th 2017 at 1:48:28 PM

If anything the Frenchs response was measured and reasonable. I half expected them to lock Gawain in the kitchen.

Fate Grand Order players will know me as Ryusei-Go.
Krika Since: Dec, 2010
#16990: Oct 11th 2017 at 3:43:04 PM

I don't understand what you mean, Gawain is a miraculous cook.

He makes everything taste like mashed potatoes centuries before the plant was introduced to England, and on top of that is apparently really good at putting out army-feeding quantities of food.

He's a tad nontraditional, but still a solid cook.

Zelenal The Cat Knows Where It's At from Purrgatory Since: Jul, 2009 Relationship Status: Maxing my social links
The Cat Knows Where It's At
#16991: Oct 11th 2017 at 5:49:00 PM

Fake x Fate updated again.

Not a whole lot happening in this one. Just some new backstory for Xenovia with some world building, references to Shirou being an absolute monster, and some stuff from Issei that I believe is a tad different from the LNs.

Let the joy of love give you an answer! Check out my book!
Zelenal The Cat Knows Where It's At from Purrgatory Since: Jul, 2009 Relationship Status: Maxing my social links
The Cat Knows Where It's At
#16992: Oct 14th 2017 at 5:37:58 AM

Path of the King updated.

Quite a bit going on in this chapter. We get a look into Shirou and Satsuki's work with the Church, the fallout between Shirou and Medea due to the bath incident, Shirou's hormones making him realize that Saber is very beautiful (and learning how to use a spear from her), and Shirou coming that much closer to realizing Unlimited Blade Works.

Let the joy of love give you an answer! Check out my book!
SCMof2814 Since: Nov, 2010 Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
#16993: Oct 18th 2017 at 10:43:28 PM

Sorry it's been a while. Had trouble with how i wanted this to go. Enjoy!

Had Nameless, occasionally responding to EMIYA or Shirou, been there, he'd have grumpily protested that he usually didn't get captured.

Normally, he'd have broken out by now, since it was the French who had him, and they only really had, like, three or four Servants who were any good, but after he'd been showed the horrifying English… cuisine… thing and told that the monstrosity had been made in his kitchen without his consent, he had been convinced that, at the very least, he could not allow such a horrible crime against the culinary arts go unpunished. Justice must be served!

Yes, that actually IS the official motto of the Chaldea cafeteria.

It was also the motto of the impromptu cafe he'd been convinced to open on behalf of the French. While French food wasn't his specialty, he supposed he could do with a challenge. He was well aware that the French were using him to recruit mercenaries to offset the numerical advantage of the Artorias (and the English as a whole, but mostly the Artorias), but after that crime against cooking…

Well, he'd give it a few days.

“Welcome to Cafe Marie!” Astolfo and D'eon greeted people at the door, once more dressed in the maid (sorry, meido) outfits they'd picked up at Agartha. This posed no comment, since as usual they pulled it off very well. As the Queens Marie lounged, holding court, people who'd been redirected from the cafeteria wandered in. The service was far slower, since they cooked by the order instead of cafeteria style, but the crowd was small, mostly disenfranchised one- and two-stars, with a few Greek and Roman 3-Stars thrown in. A large, impossible to miss sign at the door read 'No English Spies Allowed!'.

Standing in a discrete corner, Ruler Jeanne smiled in a dazzling, saintlyTM© way as she surveyed the room, satisfied. Soon, they would have the support of all Chaldea, while the arrogant English would soon find the forces of the mainland arrayed against them, with nothing to eat but their own horrible cooking! She did not laugh, for it would likely have been un-holy maiden-ly laugh and her little sister would need to put her on the Naughty list.


Ritsuka and Gudak– er, Ritsuko– stared at Da Vinci-chan.

“The English and French have done what?-!” Ritsuka exclaimed.

“Is that why my eggplant is nowhere to be seen?” Ritsuko said, looking annoyed. “My eggplant, my eggplant, wherefore art thou my eggplant?-!”

“Sis, stop quoting Shakespeare, you know it only encourages him.”


“My Shakespeare sense is tingling!” the Caster cried. “Someone is quoting me!”

“William, shut up. No one in Chaldea quotes you anymore since they've actually met you,” Berserker Nightingale said. “Possibly you're hearing things.” She reached for the bonesaw. “I shall treat you for a concussion.”

“Leave me be, you quack!” Caster said, putting her arm around his head protectively. “I would rather go to Jack the Ripper for medical help!”

Things had been going poorly for the English. After Nameless had been taken, the French had gained a powerful bargaining chip to hire continental mercenaries, in the fine tradition of European warfare. The Irish had been quite willingly hired, with the exception of Boudica, who they passed over since they were afraid she'd burn all of Chaldea down. No one wanted a second Boudica Destruction Layer, thank you very much.

With the Irish backup, the French were almost able to fight the English to a draw, since let's face it, goddess-like power and Rune Magic aside, one side was nearly all Sabers and the other side had mostly Lancers. It was, in hindsight, a horrible waste of the stir fry they had been paid with. Still, it had accomplished it's purpose, which was to provide a distraction while Swimsuit Scathach stuffed bubblegum in all their sheaths., dealing a terrible blow to the English and their many swords. The fallen Irish were honored with a farewell dinner, and the French, now with another win, looked for mercenaries less likely to get their asses kicked.

edited 19th Oct '17 8:00:09 PM by SCMof2814

rikalous World's Cutest Direwolf from Upscale Mordor (Before Recorded History) Relationship Status: Showing feelings of an almost human nature
World's Cutest Direwolf
#16994: Oct 20th 2017 at 1:22:51 AM

Discreet, my man, the word is ''discreet" unless you're talking about Jeanne's corner being separate and distinct.

Also I'm enjoying the story and please continue, but the discrete/discreet thing is a pet peeve of mine.

MarqFJA The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer from Deserts of the Middle East (Before Recorded History) Relationship Status: Anime is my true love
The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer
#16995: Oct 20th 2017 at 5:56:52 AM

... I'm having trouble visualizing Ruler Jeanne's "trademarked" smile.

Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus.
SCMof2814 Since: Nov, 2010 Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
#16996: Oct 20th 2017 at 6:15:26 AM

I envision it as Rin's interview smile during the Carnival Phantasm race episode.

MarqFJA The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer from Deserts of the Middle East (Before Recorded History) Relationship Status: Anime is my true love
The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer
#16997: Oct 20th 2017 at 6:30:40 AM

Which one: When she's showing the card she and Archer had drawn, or right afterwards when she's a chibi-face as her and Archer's car is being shown?

Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus.
SCMof2814 Since: Nov, 2010 Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
#16998: Oct 20th 2017 at 7:20:23 AM

The interview at the starting line.

MarqFJA The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer from Deserts of the Middle East (Before Recorded History) Relationship Status: Anime is my true love
SCMof2814 Since: Nov, 2010 Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
#17000: Oct 20th 2017 at 3:03:19 PM

Yeah, but with more sparkles, and one of those pastel backgrounds.


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