A flashabck sequence? or maybe the First chapter was In Medias Res, and the second chapter begins way back in the past to explain how they turned out like that?
In regards to my own fic, I'm finding I'm using Sakura's perspective a lot when narrating what's happeening with Team Shirou. Seaking of which...
“All right!” onee-sama said, slamming a hand on the table. “Let’s get this Holy Grail War strategy meeting in order! We need to take stock of what we have and what we’re facing.” She held up her hands. “Numerically speaking, I doubt anyone else in this War is starting with the power advantage we have. Saber and Rider, as Servants summoned outside this system, are invaluable trump cards, allowing us twice the number of Servants that we otherwise would.”
The not-onee-sama Rin glowered a little at not getting to speak first, but coughed. “Still, in the current context, that’s not much of an advantage. Factoring in the altered system of this Grail War, even with 4 Servants on our side, we are still fighting 1 to 6 odds. I think our first order of business would to scout around for the potential locations of the other Masters and to see what has changed in Fuyuki.”
“Is that really necessary?” not-sempai with the Red Saber said. “I mean, I understand we need to find other Masters before they hurt people, but why would Fuyuki change?”
“The last time I checked, there wasn’t supposed to be three of you,” onee-sama pointed out. “Or two of me.”
“Last time I checked, Saber was the only Servant left alive,” the other Rin agreed. “Obviously, this all has something to do with the Grail War. The Second Magic might be involved somehow. Regardless, we need to reassess what we think we know about the battlefield. For all we know, Gilgamesh might be out there somewhere! Or Kotomine!”
“A chilling possibility,” Saber agreed.
“Then our way is clear,” Red Saber said lazily. “We need to send scouts to assess the lay of the land and find our enemies so that we may crush them. We approve of this stratagem.” She snapped her fingers imperiously. “Scullery girl, where is that food? We hunger!”
“Saber!” her Master Shirou admonished.
Onee-sama glared at Red Saber. “Don’t you ever call my sister that again!”
Shirou, Shirou and Saber blinked, and looked at the other Rin, who was looking a bit red. “Your sister?”
“Rin, I believe you need to explain…” Blue Saber said…
edited 21st May '12 8:12:17 PM by SCMof2814
@Eva:Well, for a start, 'genki' doesn't really belong in your narration. English has the word 'energetic'. Likewise, the use of stuff like 'aniki' isn't really necessary. Dropping Gratuitous Japanese into your story makes you look like either a guy with a shaky grasp of English lapsing into Poirot Speak, or a howling weeaboo. That's perfectly fine if you have characters who meet that description, but otherwise... well, you're using the Translation Convention. Might as well go all the way.
Same goes to you, SC. What's with all the 'onee-sama' stuff? Couldn't you just go with things like 'the older-looking Rin'? Also, you've got a greengrocer's apostrophe in 'sempai's'. Might want to fix that.
What's precedent ever done for us?There's translation convention, and then there's flavor. The Rins are the same age, except one is Sakura's sister and one isn't. And frankly, it's quicker to write 'onee-sama' and than "the Rin who was her sister" or the quite awkward "Sister-Rin". "Onee-sama" is neater. Thanks for pointing out the apostrophe
Honestly, I'd disagree. 'Sister-Rin' and 'Not-Sister-Rin' conveys the bewildering awkwardness of the situation far better. Sometimes, clunkiness is an asset. If you want to go smoother, you could try something like 'big sis' and 'Tousaka' to emphasise that Extra Rin is not family.
[Today's Jo Jo]
Ah yeah, I remember Tall Tales. Good movie.
I'd kind of like to see the protagonist of the "Jack tales" (of which the beanstalk story is only one) as a Servant. Guile Hero, anyone?
[Today's Jo Jo]
"Jack" is a catch-all hero of Appalachian
folktales, with roots in numerous European legends. He tends to be weak yet clever, a master at exploiting Exact Words, and capable of tricking monstrously powerful opponents (i.e. "Jack the Giant-Killer").
In short, he's a Pretty Cool Guy, if something of an everyman archetype.
edited 22nd May '12 8:39:26 AM by T-bone61
Live and learn as they say.
Though I usually only say that when a character in a story has died, cause I think it's funny.
So, just to ask, if the one Rin is from Heaven's Feel, is she sporting her post Heaven's feel look, or is she still that Twin Tailed Tsundere we all know and love like her UBW counterpart?
I really looking forward to the interactions between the multiple characters. What will Heaven's Feel Rin think of UBW Rin being with Shirou (considering everything that happened to Sakura)? What will Fate Shirou and UBW Shirou say when they find out what happened to Sakura? What will each of the three Shirou's think of the choices the others have made (especially Fate Shirou, who is probably the least mature of the three)? Hell, what is will Fate and UBW Shirou think of HF Shirou's actions? Will they understand the choice he made, knowing everything Sakura went through, will the rip into him for all the innocent people who died? What?
It's will be interesting to see how this plays out.
I'm looking forward to more catfights between the two Rin's more interesting character interaction. And we haven't even gotten to meeting the other masters yet (can't wait to see the reaction of Shinji's Rider when he meets Sakura's Rider. That'll be awkward. Plus I'm curious to see how you will portray him what with being the successful Shinji Matou and all. Being compared to Shinji doesn't say good things about him.)
Can't wait for chapter two.
edited 22nd May '12 8:55:59 AM by HandsomeRob
One Strip! One Strip!The post-look, I guess, even though Heaven's feel was about only a year ago, so that Sakura can tell them apart. Though I like her look with the tales more. It's distinctive.
There's a fourth Shirou running around, you know. Poor little hostage…
edited 22nd May '12 9:04:53 AM by SCMof2814
[Today's Jo Jo]
Ouch. That's pretty useless, considering Fate Shirou was exposed to all the evils of the world, and used Avalon to pull himself out of it, and punch a dagger in Kotomine's chest.
Which on the low end of feats he performs during the three arcs.
Which Shirou is this useless one?
And you also mentioned earlier that there are more Rin's too.
And I just realized that a certain Blonde Rival of Rin's is also involved. Good grief, that's going to be awkward.
As for her regular look vs Post HF look, I ain't picky. One may be generic (twin tails) but I think it fits her. She looks good with her hair down as well though.
So she does. Then again, why would she want to look like her mom (as long as she's smarter than her that is).
edited 22nd May '12 9:35:09 AM by HandsomeRob
One Strip! One Strip!
Again ouch. Then again, with all the people in that house, cooking will be useful.
One Strip! One Strip!I had an idea for all an cartoon Grail War, set in a sort of Cartoon Network-Nickelodeon shared universe (maybe with some Disney too) in the vein of Powerpuff Girls Doujinshi and Grim Tales From Down Below. The idea of playing these kiddy characters in the background of a bloody Grail War and doing it mostly straight appeals to me.
I'm still thinking of Servants, though. The only one I've got pinned down is Finn as Saber.

Say, do you have any suggestions for how I might handle the explanatory second chapter of Shit Gets Wierd? I may come up with ideas of my own, just opening my suggestion box.