>Alan: Return to computer.
You decide to check in with the others. You did say you'd be back to the memo, after all.
However, the memo seems to have been abandoned minutes ago, and there's another message pending. It looks like someone's server player is worried.
>Be pestered by someone's server player
You have a conversation with Addy that we've already seen. You confirm a few things, marvel at a lot of pointless bickering, and ask a few questions of Jesusprite offscreen. You prepare to start doing some Alchemizing, now that you have the grist for it, but there is something else you want to do before that
>Attempt to save the rest of the world
Frankly, you don't give a damn about Mari's visions for the nine of you alone being saved by this game. You don't think that there's any reason the rest of the world can't at least save some people, provided that they know about it. You only wish you had done this sooner, before more of the meteors crashed down.
You compose a quick guide for entering the game
, and attach to the message a link to the torrent. For good measure, you attempt to attatch a copy of the zip file that the thing came with.
You send this file via email to everyone you know. Friends, family, teachers, spam servers. You just hit "send to all contacts" and hope for the best. You then try to put it on a forum or two, but you are concerned by the apparent emptiness of the forums. You fear you may already be too late.
>Raise your head and continue on.
Right. You've done all you can from where you're sitting, you supose it's time to focus on your own tasks. Namely, equipping yourself for the task ahead of you.
>Begin Alchemizing!
First, you're going to need a new weapon. You search your room, and find the old broom you use to sweep up. You break the shaft off of the thing. You acquire the BROOM HANDLE!
Not the most glamorous of weapons, but it counts as a Staff to your Strife Deck, and that's good enough.
>Take scissors to GAME MANUAL
The potion index worked nicely, but you don't much care for the random nature of the creation. You begin snipping out clips of spells and items, in the hopes that you can get something interesting and useful.
>Combine BROOM HANDLE && STRENGTHENING SPELL
You make a punchcard combining the codes of the broom handle, and a clipping of the "Ironwood" spell, which turns wood into something as strong as iron.
You create an IRONWOOD BROOM HANDLE. You attempt to break this one over your knee, and only serve to bruise yourself. Good.
>Combine IRONWOOD BROOM HANDLE && HUGE TOME
You do this strange thing, and wind up with an ironwood broom handle with an extremely heavy book on the end. You decide that it's actually not that bad, considering how heavy a book it is. Plus, it looks better than when it was just a snapped-off broom. You tie a belt around the book to keep it from flapping open, and dub this monstrosity the BIBLIOBEATER. You suppose that... knowledge is power.
>YEAAAAAAAH DO SOMETHING ELSE
You look for another thing to alchemize. You suppose you'd better do something about this tiny 1/4 of your favorite walking-stick. Since this thing isn't going to be a decent weapon any time soon, you flip through the pages for something more... magical.
>Combine STAFF HEAD && MAGUS ROD CLIPPING
This combination turns the staff head into a might MAGUS 1/4STAFF! The thing surges with archayne miyght, and the broken end is constantly pouring forth a storm of chaiyotick enyrgiys.
Or at least it would, if the grist costs on this mother weren't absolutely astronomical. No way you can pay for this thing now. You haven't even seen any Spark Grist.
Maybe let's try something a little more your price range, eh?
>Combine STAFF HEAD || MAGIC IMPLEMENTS INDEX
Sadly, the book doesn't have anything specifically on staves, but it does contain an index on magic implements, staves being one possibility. Also, you've found that it's a bit difficult to get clippings. Small snippets don't really register. You were lucky that the Ironwood spell and the Magus Rod had their own pages, so this is the best you can really do.
You see what this sort of combination gets you, and you wind up with a 1/4staff of Frost. It's just the staff-head, but that's OK, since the magic generally gathers there. It's a good thing you did this with a 1/4 staff, because, as you can see from a bit of experimentation, doing it with a full staff would have cost a lot more.
You try to use the thing, and it puts out a very wide cone of... mild chill? Yeah, you're not going to be freezing any imps with this beast. Maybe if you could... focus it.
>Combine STAFFHEAD OF FROST && MAGNIFYING GLASS
Doing this puts a little lens over the staff head. When you try the cold again, the lens focuses the cone into a beam. When you put the point of the ray onto a wall, it leaves a trail of ice crystals, and turns the thing brittle. Very nice.
>Combine BIBLIOBEATER && LOZ CODEX
Now that you think about it, if there's anything with cooler magic staves than DND, it's the LEGEND OF ZELDA SERIES. This enormous reference guide contains snippets on every item in the series, including several powerful staves. You combine the cards, eagerly anticipating which of the amazing magic rods will result. Perhaps the Cane of Somaria, creating explosive blocks? Or the Cane of Byrna, with its incinerating star? You'd even settle for the Fire Rod or Ice Rod.
You combine the items and create...
DAMMIT.
DOIP.
>Combine broomhandle sections && Wondrous Item codex.
You copy the broom handle's code down for later, and snap it into smaller sections. You want to get things just right. You combine it with the section on the more obscure items, with a specific one in mind.
You get a TRULY IMMOVABLE ROD!
SWEET.
These things are supposed to stop all movement in the air when a button is pressed. So to test it, you raise it above your head, hit the button... and are surprised when the thing goes rocketing out of your grip, smashes through a wall, and sails into the void.
Wait a second. Truly immovable?
Aw man, you suppose its frame of reference for "immovable" is off, and it's conforming to some point in the middle of space, rather than with its place in the planet. Well, you guess you'll never see that one again.
>Combine broomhandle sections || Wondrous Item Codex.
This time, you get a plain old IMMOVABLE ROD.
You put it in the air, and this time, it just hangs there. Oblivious to your weight.
You make a trio of duplicates, for a set of four.
>Make more potions!
You don't have the grist! Instead, you put some water into your MAGIC BOTTLE, and resolve to experiment later.
>Make some more cards.
K. Done.
>Enjoy the spoils
Oh, you will. You have more plans, but you need more Grist for that. You're better prepared for that, now.
I have a message from another time...>Be the DRINKER again
Totes. Okay so. You did what Megamansprite told you to and just went around callously murdering imps but only after asking them to give peace a chance. How sad that none of them were interested. So you are basically but figuratively swimming in martian blood. You've got tons probably. But you seem to be missing the machine that lets you make crap with alchemy. Huh. And you are running low on alcohol. You sit down with one of the remaining bottles and make a dedicated effort at it and drop Jackie a line asking for talking and also that machine. You need to make booze, you inform her absence. A lot of booze.
Forever liveblogging the Avengers>Alan: Skip ahead a bit
You are Alan an hour or two after your last Alchemy session. You decided to do some house-cleaning with your new toys. And by that, you mean you wiped out a number of Imps who were getting into your books, drawing very rude things on your walls, and trying to murder you. The Bibliobeater and Frostray Staff are good at making short work of the imps, and you've become secure in your safety enough to start thinking of creative ways to fight. Perhaps you will see if you can't use the Rods or the Cane at some point.
The bottom line is you now have a good amount of Build Grist, and you need someone to know she can start using it.
>Alan: pester someone.
You have yet another conversation with Addy
. What a surprise. You simply cannot express the level of shock at the idea that you would contact your server player again.
You really need to contact the rest of these people, perhaps. You haven't even really seen a few of them at all.
But anyway. Addy's now building some covered staircases and platforms, that you can use to keep Imps out of the new construction.
You hear some sort of rumbling, but you don't think much of it. Most likely, it's probably the sound of construction, or maybe that Rod did more damage to something than you thought. Either way, you don't feel like you need to step outside to check. Alchemizing computers interests you more.
I have a message from another time...>Mari: Loot consort
It doesn't drop anything! Not a single unit of grist, or even some vendor trash. All you get out of it is the satisfaction of murdering that bored smirk off its face. You still can't believe that. Bored, around you! If they're all like that you might end up having yourself a little murder spree.
Anyway, you toss its mangled corpse off the edge, then have a little look see at the surrounding area, while Troubles starts playing with the consort's walker. It's clanking is so much cuter when an imp is driving it instead of a gross fish thing. Just, so much cuter.
>Explore
Your loyal troops salute and then disperse in various directions, seeking viable quest hubs. You keep the Vicar and Troubles with you though, cuz Vicar is a bro and Troubles is way too adorable to let out of your sight.
You yourself walk over to a random edge and look over. See some other spires in various heights, buncha mostly broken bridges between 'em, ocean waaaaaaaaaaay down there. Most of them have jungley shit on top and running down inside 'em too. Nice counterpoint to the general steampunkishness, you like it. You think you see a walker standin in a doorway down near ocean level, but its just a speck from up here, could just be an imp or something instead, little hard to make out through the storm besides. Worth checkin' out regardless though, right?
You grin, beckon Vicar and Troubles to follow, then execute a textbook Suicide Swandive over the edge. It hella exhilarating, watchin' shit fly past. Just before the point where you'd splatter on the ocean, you fire out a line and turn your dive into a swing. With a casual flip, you come to rest in front of the fish consort thing. It looks vaguely nonplussed at your arrival.
It looks a bit more vaguely nonplussed when the Vicar lands smartly beside you.
And, of course, it starts to actually look a bit worried when Troubles' walker slams into the bridge behind you and explodes.
With a groan, the center of the bridge cracks, and then collapses into the waiting ocean below. And then Troubles lands with a light thud in front of you. Oh, that guy! He so cray cray.
The consort kind of looks at you, then at Troubles, then at the Vicar.
Hey, buddy, says the Vicar, wanna make a contract?"
Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, says the consort, before turning around and booking it.
It's pretty adorable, on account of their walkers being retardedly slow. He just kinda clanks along at a couple feet a second while you stare, before you burst out laughing. Hahahahahahahahahaha. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. That was you laughing.
Yeah, the Vicar heads him off without any trouble. Looks like you get the privilege of Mari's glorious presence, weird fish thing! Ain't many people get to be that lucky. :)
You pull out a knife and start idly cleaning your nails.
So, weird fish thing, you say, would you be so kind as to point me to the nearest village of your weird fish people?
He's positively quaking in his cushy water filled cockpit by this point, so he quickly obliges. Turns out theres one in the base of this very tower! Under the water, but oh well, you brought scuba gear. You thank him, and give him a little pat on his walker dome.
And then sparks are shooting everywhere? The fish thing lets loose a scream and wrenches open it canopy, kind of flops out in a giant gout of steam. As it jerks around on the floor, you look behind the walker, only to see Troubles sort of idly tearing out pieces from the back of it. Oh, that little rascal! You give him a wry little grin and shake your finger at him. He looks sheepish.
Unfortunately, the consort got boiled and is now dead. Oh well, he already told you what you need to know! You give him a heroes burial, vis a vi tossing him off the edge outside, before descending the inside of the tower down to the ocean surface. It's so placid when it's inside like this, it's practically a miracle!
You toss on your scuba gear and submerge. It's only a couple more flights down before you hit the bottom. There are several fish things guarding another doorway, sans walkers, and a large stack of unfished walkers over in a corner. These ones are much bigger and more colorful than the ones youve seen so far. Spiffy!
Glub glub, they say. Glub glub glub glub! you say back. They look unimpressed, but do a weird underwater fish shrug and lead you into their village proper.
It's very impressive, lots of fancy steampunk tech everywhere, lots of buildings and machines lying around. A few fish sort of idling around, but not too many. Kind of a strong current, nothin you cant handle. Bunch of bubbles streaming out of a building with some rubble embedded in the roof, some fish milling around over there. Man, these guys can't even take care of their own city! They're so lucky you showed up to help them. Glub glub glub, glub glub, says your guide, as you pass the wrecked building. Glub glub! you respond. Glub, he says back, satisfied.
He leads you up to a particularly geary looking building. Glub glub glub, he says. glub glub glub, glub glub glub glub, you says. Glub glub, is the response. Uh, you guess they were actually a woman? Glub, you say. Glub glub glub, glub. glub glub, she says, before turning around and swimming away. Man, so touchy! It's not your fault all horrible fish monsters look the same.
Anyway, you swim into the Very Important Building. Inside is another horrible fish monster. Glub glub, it says, leading you further inward. Round a few corners, down a few hallways, bam, youre in a weird vaguely office looking place. Weird gadgets line the walls. You have no idea how any of this shit would do anything, but hey, you aren't a horrid soulless fish monster.
Glub glub glub! Glub glub, glub glub glub glub glub glub! you say. Glub glub glub, says a very prestigious looking fishy abomination floating behind a desk thing.
Glub glub, you say, cutting right to the point.
Glub, says the crime against nature.
Glub glub glub glub, glub glub. glub glub glub glub, glub glub. glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub. glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub! glub glub glub glub glub glub glub. glub glub glub, glub glub. glub glub glub glub glub glub glub, glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub, glub glub glub glub glub. glub glub glub glub glub glub glub. glub glub! glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub
Yeah, you start to tune it out after a while. You got the gist though! Horrible monsters, sidequests, get our mcguffins back! Nevermind that these things are way worse than imps or ogres, who are they to call them monsters? So racist.
Glub glub glub, you say, interrupting it. glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub. glub glub glub glub glub glub glub! glub glub glub!
It looks a taken aback. Glub, glub glub glub!
Glub glub, glub! you say back.
Glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub
You interrupt by drawing one of your flaming khandas and raising an eyebrow. Not that it can see the eyebrow raise through your mask. The khanda making a very nice job of boiling the water around it though, which you think gets your point across admirably.
Glub, you say pointedly.
It has nothing to say to that except an eye roll and a fishy glub sigh.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're off on our very first sidequest! Always good to get people in your debt before putting them under your thumb, after all, and you could use the loot!
Do or do not, there is no try.>Alan: Mess with Sarah's house.
You know, if it weren't for the whole "end of the world" thing, you totally would mess with Sarah's house in the manner you threatened her with. Remove all the doors, build staircases that go nowhere, turn her basement into a pool with no ladders, just to see how she liked being messed with. But for now, you really do need to get her closer to her Gate. So you, noticing that she still has some grist that hasn't been spent on Oreos, begin following Addy's lead and start building upward. You create several covered staircase-tunnels wpiraling up towards the Gate. However, you don't have quite that much build grist, so you have to build a new room halfway up. However, while you don't have the grist to build significantly further up, you do have enough to do... a little meddling. As such, you build a few branching-off tunnels that go nowhere, stick a few doors right behind each other, and such like that. Nothing that will really be a danger, but enough to be annoying.
You think that maybe, when you build to the Gate itself, you'll put a wardrobe as the door to the last tunnel. See how she likes that obvious and mainstream reference.
Meanwhile, you hear another rumbling that is definitely not a giant imp. You're... sure of that...
I have a message from another time...>Nate: Pester Sarah.
You would, but she’s still not online! Frankly, you’re starting to feel a little anxious. At this rate, you’re never going to reach that gate.
Unless, of course, you do something completely and totally insane.
>Hop to it then.
You whip out your wall crawler gear and start scaling up the staircases. The gloves and shoes do a pretty nice job of keeping you glued to the surface. It’s almost like you’re Spider-Man himself. You do love your comic books. Honestly though you wish the Spider-Man musical hadn’t been so damn disappointing. The best of both worlds and they RUINED it.
You decide to save your rant for another day, though. Especially since climbing does get a little tricky, particularly when one of the ogres swipes at yOH SHIT.
>Dodge.
You deftly manage to avoid getting knocked off by a stray monster paw. Unfortunately the ogre takes a swipe at you again, knocking you clean off the staircases.
This is it. You are totally going to die this time. No avoiding it now. Unless…
You whip out your Emerald Defying Graviboard and cling to it for dear life.
Would you look at that. You’re defying gravity
.
You’re through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It’s time to trust your instincts, close your eyes, and
>LEAP
You stop singing long enough pull a Wicked (pun-intended) jump-spin right into the ogre’s face.
It seems your Graviboard acts just like a regular skateboard, it just doesn’t require ground to skate on. Pretty cool.
Mid-jump, you pull out your Thorns of Enchantment and smack the ogre soundly in the snout. The ogre reacts by punching you straight upward. You regret nothing.
Conveniently, your trajectory is sending you straight towards the gate. You’re awesome at this.
>Enter.
edited 4th Feb '12 5:10:28 PM by WhichDockter
>Jackie: Alchemize a whole bunch of shit!
Sure! Just got to get a closer look at the memo and find out how to make this awesome stuff! Okay, maybe you can actually find out some information in between all of this random banter that’s going on...
...
You suddenly realize that you need another machine that punches holes into sylladex cards. That would have been convenient to know when you contacted Sally a minute ago! You don’t really want to bother her again so soon, so you decide to go help out Danny with getting his own machine installed. Oh, and to make sure he’s okay and stuff.
Well, he seems to be doing okay! And even better, he agreed to let you do whatever you want to his dorm! You hope Danny wasn’t too weirded out by your sudden enthusiasm about the idea. Then again, you’ve been like this since high school, so you guess you should stop trying to act nonchalant about your interests. You already start to envision various building designs that could help propel Danny upwards, like a slingshot design or maybe a spiral staircase that he could slide back down in case he forgot something in his room...
Wait. Didn’t you just swear off trying to design any ideas you had that would inevitably fail? As in, for real this time? It’s so hard to break the habit, though. All of these ideas just seem to try and BURST out of your head.
You decide to go for something a bit more simplistic in order to prevent the failures of any more elaborate ideas you might have. That, and Danny doesn’t even have enough grist to make the designs you were thinking of.
But what to do with the building, though? All you can really do is make square units and stack them on top of each other, and maybe copy and paste stairs in between the levels somewhere.
...
Well, if all else fails, go with robots!
You create a simplistic robot shaped building with ladders and stairs extending from the outside, going all the way up to the top of the robot. The robot’s head is just underneath what is probably the portal that Danny has to get to. This takes a lot of build grist to make, but Danny had a lot to spare, probably from all of the time he spent killing imps while waiting for you. Whoops.
The finished product has a pixelated look to it, but you suppose that’s alright. It seems that using other machines to make stuff for you actually works out better than you trying to make stuff on your own! This only cements the idea in your head that you should never try to build stuff with your own hands ever again.
Speaking of other machines that can make stuff for you, you should probably contact Sally now that you don’t feel too bad about asking her for something else again.
♥ ♦ ♠ ♣Addy: Alchemize some shit already. You’re way behind everyone else!
Alright alright, keep your shorts on! You guess you can alchemize some stuff now that you know how and you’re free of those pesky imps for a moment.
First let’s be practical. You figure having a truly hands-free communication device would be useful, so you alchemize your SMARTPHONE with your SHITTY CHINESE KNOCKOFF PANTHA MASK and create the FELINE FACETOP (clearly a misnomer, it’s made with a phone, not a laptop).
Ooooh, fun. It looks all sleek and professional like one of your animes-
◊ um, you mean your wrestlers!
You alchemize another weapon too. You are pretty good with Fistkind, but you’d rather not rely on it; it takes a toll. A better, more effective net should solve all your problems!
You combine your Sweep Net with the copy of the film THE WRESTLER you have in your sylladex and create the RETIARY IMPSMASHER! This looks like it will be more useful indeed. You can hardly wait to try it out!
And now for some pretty clothes. Not to be stereotypical, but come on, every awesome hero needs wicked clothes! Luckily you have the awesome footwear and mask all sorted out. Now for the rest!
◊ You make white gloves (wielding nets is hard on the hands!) and an orange outfit with a cat head to match your awesome mask!
You feel a lot better than you did before! Superheroic and ready to take on any challenge!
Oh look, Alan’s contacting you again! How interesting! You have a chat which we’ve seen already, during which you start building his house up for him!
Now you figure you better talk to Brick about your own house. You gotta reach that gate somehow!
The baby bat/ Screamed out in fright,/ 'Turn on the dark,/ I'm afraid of the light.'>Brick: Remember where you left off.
You just landed on mars like the fucking rover itself. Unlike that dumbass robot, YOU actually did it with some goddamn style. So what the fuck do you do now?
>Brick: Look outside
You do but look away almost as fast. It's like super fucking bright outside. Like during practice when the sun hits the bleachers just right. You can make out the surroundings a little. It seems like there's a sandstorm of sorts going on outside. The sand is almost incandescent in its brightness. You're not gonna get very far out there without some eye protection.
Do you even want to go outside? After you landed on mars your drunk bro was pretty vague in what to do next. You figure he prolly has a good idea of what to do, though. After some finagling with pesterchum, you think you've got the messenger to work.
Fucking pesterchum. More like pesterCHUMP right? Why can't it work better for people who aren't humongous nerds? As you fume over the bias inflicted on the technologically inept you slowly realize you aren't alone in your sparse rooms.
Other than OATZPRITE, you seem to have a few short and odd-looking visitors. Those must be those imp things those other guys were talking about. OATZPRITE is doing an admirable job of holding them off. Haha, lookit him go!
Can't get too distracted, that one babe needs your help building up. Computerbox whines with the fury of technology exposed to whole grains, but you've never been one to take any metaphorical lip from a bunch of circuit boards.
Man, you're really in it now, aren't you. The full brunt of your situation feels like its a really heavy weight you've gotta lift. This one isn't like all the other really heavy weights you've lifted before, though. This one is so heavy that if you fuck up, you die. Like, dead.
It always seemed so far off before, but you're facing a very real possibility now. There's more than just imps out there, and they're playing for keeps with your life as the wager. You suppress a shudder.
Mari always seems so on the ball. She knows a lot about this stuff, and is always ready to help shed some light for you. She'll know what's up.
Well that was a little reassuring. You quickly collect the fallen grist the imps gave off. The alchemy machines are a little intimidating, however. They seem pretty important, and you don't exactly have the best record with technology. It's been a long day it seems like. OATZPRITE stands at the ready at your door, ready to spew molten-hot fiber at any aggressors you might face in the near future. You suppress a yawn.
Drawing your curtains to shut out the blinding storm outside, you lie down on your yoga mat-bed. Your eyes close as you relax yourself mentally. Whatever you happen to be up against, you'll meet them head on and without looking away. You, and every single one of your friends. Yeah. Fuck yeah!
edited 4th Feb '12 8:02:20 PM by GOINGtoDIE425
I won’t say ‘See you tomorrow’ because that would be like predicting the future, and I’m pretty sure I can’t do that.>Be the Coward Collector
You are far too busy clinging on for dear life to be collecting anything, besides perhaps prayers to live. You have a lot of those.
The structure Mari's built for you gets even more precarious the further up you go. At least she managed to make the rope you're climbing fairly well attached to its anchor! An anchor which is, in fact, secured on a mysteriously floating giant lamp. But you're trying not to think about that.
Danny's gloves have been strapped on as tightly as you could make them, but the best gloves in the world wouldn't keep you from falling off this rope if you lost your grip. However, this is the second to last leg of your journey to your Ascension! You just need to get onto that lamp, and then start climbing the ramp Mari built to hover over the Gate.
You close your eyes tight, force yourself up the last few feet to the lamp, and collapse on its surface drenched in sweat.
With one shaking hand, you turn your computerized hair clip on and start pestering Mari.
Hm. That didn't go quite as planned. Why can't she ever simply do what you ask her to do? You perform every action asked of you from her, so what is so hard about returning the favor?
You think about skimming over the memo you missed whilst swinging from rope to rope like a frilly-skirted chimpanzee, then decide against it. If there was anything important to the conversation, the others will let you know the next time you get a chance to talk to them. You are simply too wiped out to try and process that much information right now.
A part of you wants to lay on the edge of the lamp for forever, or at least a few more hours, but the thought of it makes you wonder what Mari would do to try and rouse you. The idea makes you shudder violently, so you wait a little longer until it doesn't hurt to breathe anymore, and then sit up.
Your chest is sore, your arms are numb and full of lead, but your goal is within sight and only one more obstacle away. You stare at the high, near vertical slope of thick steel leading upwards, and decide that along with everything else you're going to alchemize when you get back to your house, you're going to make some suction cup gloves. God, you hope Mari knows what she's doing.
edited 5th Feb '12 8:21:58 PM by dundee_998
>MARI: INITIATE OPERATION; ALL CAPS SMALL CAPS POST
YOUR ATTEMPT IS A RESOUNDING SUCCESS. YOU NEVER FAIL AT ANYTHING, NO MATTER HOW ASININE, AND THIS WILL BE NO EXCEPTION.
ANYWAY, YOU LEAVE FISH VILLAGE. WALK PAST A BUNCH OF THEM HOLDING AS IMPROMPTU FUNERAL FOR SOME RANDOM DOUCHEBAG FISH PERSON. GLUB GLUB GLUB, THE FISH PASTER SAYS. APPARENTLY THE POOR FISH PERSON GOT STEAMED TO DEATH? GLUB GLUB, YOU SAY, OFFERING YOUR CONDOLENCES. THESE OGRES ARE JUST GETTING MORE AND MORE BRAZEN WITH THEIR WANTON MURDER OF FISH PEOPLE. YOU'LL HAVE TO RECRUIT SOME OF THEM, YOU HATE THE FISH PEOPLE.
SWIM SWIM SWIM GRAPPLE SWING SWING OH HEY YOURE ON TOP OF A SPIRE AGAIN. SALLY
PESTERS YOU, ITS AMAZING. YOU TAKE A MOMENT TO PULL UP SBURB AND WATCH HER SLOWLY WORK HER WAY THROUGH YOUR COURSE. OH MY GOD, SHES SO CUTE WHEN SHES CLINGING TO PLATFORMS FOR DEAR LIFE LIKE THAT! OH MAN, IS SHE CRYING? YOU THINK SHE IS. THIS IS THE MOST PRECIOUS THING YOUVE SEEN SINCE TROUBLES CAME INTO EXISTENCE.
AFTER A WHILE YOU GET TIRED OF THAT, SO YOU SUMMON YOUR LOYAL MINIONS INSTEAD. THERE ARE A FEW MORE THAN WHEN YOU SENT THEM OUT, THEYVE BEEN BUSY RECRUITING! YOU GIFT THEM WITH A DAZZLING SMILE FOR THEIR HARD WORK. TOTAL MORALE INCREASES BY THREE NOTCHES, AND RADICAL LARRY GAINS A LEVEL FROM HIS BOOST IN LOYALTY. ITS PRETTY LEGIT.
THE IMPQUISITORS ALL TELL YOU WHAT THEYVE FOUND IN THEIR VARIOUS SCOUTING EXPEDITIONS. THE MOST PROMISING LEAD SOUNDS LIKE A GROUP OF TOWERS PIERCING THE CLOUD LAYER OFF TO THE NORTH.
FALL IN ABOUT ME, EXEMPLAR! TEMPLAR, HOLD THE VANGUARD! YOUR ARMY EAGERLY TAKES POSITION. WITH A FLOURISH, YOU FIRE OFF A LINE, AND BEGIN SWINGING TOWARDS THE OBJECT OF YOUR QUEST, WITH ARMY SWINGING CLOSE BEHIND. THE NEW RECRUITS ARE A LITTLE FLUMMOXED BY THEIR LACK OF RAD BATMAN TECH, BUT YOURE SURE THEYLL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
SHORTLY THEREAFTER, YOU STAND AT THE BASE OF THREE TOWERS, ALL SOARING FAR BEYOND SIGHT UPWARD. NO DOORS IN SIGHT, MIGHT AS WELL JUST JUMP FROM TOWER TO TOWER ALL THE WAY UP!
SO YOU DO THAT.
TURNS OUT THERE ARE FLYING IMPS AND OGRES A BIT HIGHER UP. BUNCHA WEAKLINGS, MAN, NOT EVEN WORTH BOTHERING WITH. YOUR EXEMPLAR EASILY TAKE CARE OF THEM ALL AS YOU CLIMB.
OF COURSE, BRICK HAS TO OPEN A MEMO
NOW TOO. YOU SORT OF HALFHEARTEDLY PAY ATTENTION FOR A WHILE, BUT IT TAKES SOME CONCENTRATION TO ASCEND LIKE THIS.
HIGHER AND HIGHER YOU GO, THE MONSTER SWARMS GETTING THICKER, BEFORE SUDDENLY THINNING OUT. HOLY SHIT DUDE ITS A NEW MONSTER, YOU MUST HAVE IT, LOOKS TOTALLY GNARLY. APPARENTLY ITS A CYCLONE LICH? COPACETIC. NO MORE TIME FOR MEMOS, YOU GOT MONSTERS TO KILL.
OH MY GOD IT FIRED A LIGHTNING BOLT AT YOU ITS MAGICAL, THIS IS GONNA ROCK SO HARD.
YOU SWING IN CIRCLES AROUND IT, NARROWLY DODGING ITS BOLTS, BEFORE RELEASING YOURSELF IN AN ARC OVER ITS HEAD. WITH A SINGLE GRACEFUL FLIP, YOU FLY STRAIGHT AT IT, AND LAND ON ITS BACK. YOU EAT A BLAST OF LIGHTNING FOR YOUR TROUBLE, BUT DAMN IF THAT WASNT SEXY.
DRIVING YOUR FEET INTO IT FOR PURCHASE, YOU HOLD YOUR SWORD TO ITS THROAT AND OFFER ONE OF YOUR FAMOUS ULTIMATUMS; WORK FOR ME OR I FUCKING KILL YOU. THE LICH THRUMS IN RESPONSE. THRUMMING, HUH?
THEN THE STUPID THING LIGHTNING PULSES OR SOMETHING AND YOU GET SHOT OFF IT, SLAMMED INTO A TOWER. FUCK OW. YOU SORT OF TUMBLE INTO THE STORM FOR A BIT BEFORE GETTING YOUR HEAD TOGETHER AND STARTING SWINGING AGAIN. GOD, FUCKING WIZARDS. WHY MUST THEY ALWAYS FLY? YOU REALLY LIKE THE GRAPPLE SWINGING BUT IF EVERY DAMN MONSTER CAN FLY YOURE GONNA HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO DO THAT INSTEAD.
ANYWAY, YOU OPT TO JUST FIRE YOUR SWORD AT IT A FEW TIMES BEFORE JUMPING ON IT AGAIN. ITS LEARNING THOUGH, AND IT ACTUALLY DODGES YOU WHEN YOU TRY TO JUMP ON IT. THIS IS SO ANNOYINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
EVENTUALLY YOU ANCHOR YOURSELF TO A WALL, EAT YET ANOTHER LIGHTNING BOLT (FUCKING OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW), SNAG YOURSELF A LICH, AND PULL HIM OVER TO YOU. DUDE IS PRETTY BEAT UP, HE'LL DEFINITELY DIE WITH A GOOD SWING NOW. YOU ONCE AGAIN OFFER YOUR FAMOUS ULTIMATUM, WITH THE ADDED WORD I CANT REMEMBER THAT YOURE REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF BEING LIGHTNING BOLTED AND YOU SWEAR TO GOD IF HE EVEN THINKS ABOUT THRUMMING AGAIN YOULL JUST KILL HIM THEN AND THERE. HE BRIEFLY DEBATES THE MERITS OF BEING A DICK AND HITTING YOU AGAIN VERSUS LIVING, BEFORE DECIDING THAT LIVING IT PROOOOOOOBABLY BETTER. HE BOWS HIS HEAD IN DEFEAT.
FUCK YES, YOU HAVE A WIZARD.
MAKE ME FLY, YOU COMMAND. THE LICH DOES WHATEVER A LICH DOES TO SIGH AND THEN MAKES YOU FLY. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
YOU SPEND A FEW MINUTES JUST FLYING EVERYWHERE. THIS IS SO MUCH EASIER, ITS AMAZINGGGGGG. BUT YOURE ALSO TIRED AND BEAT UP FROM EATING A DOZEN LIGHTNING BLASTS, SO AFTER THE THRILL WEARS OFF YOU JUST WANT TO REST SOMEWHERE.
LICH, BLOW A HOLE IN ONE OF THESE TOWERS SO I CAN REST. HE ROLLS HIS EYES AND POINTS TO A HOLE HE ALREADY BLEW IN ONE OF THEM WHILE FIGHTING YOU. OH. YOU NARROW YOUR EYES AT HIM AND POINT. DONT ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME, YOU SAY, I AM YOUR GOD NOW. HE HAS NOTHING TO SAY TO THAT EXCEPT BLEAK ACCEPTANCE.
YOU FLOAT OVER TO A HOLE, AND SEND A MESSAGE TO THE IMPQUISITORS THAT THEY CAN STOP HOLDING BACK THE MONSTER HORDES AND ASCEND TO YOUR POSITION NOW. AS EVERYBODY PILES INTO THE ROOM AND STARTS GETTING TO KNOW THEIR NEW LICH COMRADE, SARAH
PESTERS YOU. APPARENTLY SHES HAVING WHORE PROBLEMS, WHAT ELSE IS NEW. YOU CONSULT YOUR IMPS AND GET SOME RELEVANT ADVICE, PASS IT ALONG. DONT EVEN CHARGE FOR IT. TRULY YOU ARE THE GREATEST OF FRIENDS. SHE ALSO ASKS ABOUT SALLY, YOU TELL HER SOME 100% TRUE FACTS.
THATS ENOUGH WORDS FOR NOW.
edited 7th Feb '12 3:31:24 PM by ChrisisCraziest
Do or do not, there is no try.>Time for more words.
Okay. Who be?
>That one drunk guy is fun.
Yeah, he's pretty neat. Should he be getting drunk?
>Verily.
You are DANNY SKULD and you just discovered the wonder of infinite booze. It is like someone once said about the replicators in Star Trek: it will be the last invention because you can replicate infinite booze and why bother doing anything else when you can do that?
Which is to say that you have used the alchemization equipment to make a ton of booze. You tried that oreo thing that Sarah sent you and my god you never want to have not heard of it.
Jackie is building your dorm up to the gate so you decide to mess around with the alchemister... alchemiter so that her design will be a surprise when you see it. Plus, more time to make booze.
>Alchemize CRYING BEAR VODKA && BEMUSED TURKEY WHISKEY
You get the SBURBAN GARGLEBLASTER, THE PAINMAKER.
YOU WERE TOLD NOT TO CROSS THE STREAMS YOU FOOL! Your head is starting to hurt just being in the presence of this bottle. So you make ten.
>Alchemize CLIMBING GLOVES && GRAPPLING HOOK
You get SHUR-GRIPPLING HOOK. This baby will latch on to any surface. Easy modo? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
>Alchemize the SBURBAN GARGLEBLASTER, THE PAINMAKER && GRAPPLING HOOK
You get the HANGOVERIZER, a more combat oriented grappling hook that will inflict horrific inebriated dehydration in addition to the cranial trauma it dishes out. K, that's more like it. But you think you can probably make this even more unnecessarily excessive.
>Alchemize HANGOVERIZER && Mortal Kombat 1
You get the INEBRIATED BRIGHT YELLOW NINJA'S HARPOON GRAPPLE or maybe the DRUNK SCORPION GRAPPLE for short. Hahahaha its fun making all these things you'll probably never use. I mean, how do you improve on the basic grappling hook in any significant way?
Okay, you need to stop screwing around. Time to make some essential equipment.
>Alchemize HAT || ALCOHOL you don't even care which one
You get the DRINKING HAT, drink in hands free comfort. Yes. Now you're cooking with gasoline.
>Alchemize GOGGLES || GAMEBOY && LAPTOP
Speaking of hands free, a hands free thing that you can use to pesterchum while climbing. Also, it has Tetris AND Metroid II. Hells yeah. Honestly you probably shouldn't play while climbing though. Aside from irresponsible drinking, you always give climbing your absolute full attention and presence of mind.
Oh, wait, imp martians have alighted upon your little alchemization corridor. Voice trembling with emotion you beg them to give peace a chance but they seem more interested in not doing that thing you just said. Welp, you do have new weapons to try out once and then never again.
Hello imps. Get over here.
>Nice. Go pick up all dat blood. Oh hey you missed one.
Oh snap, he's getting into the PAINMAKER. Oh snap, he just drank it. Oh snap, he just chittered something, probably about you being his behst fren in the worl and then he imp vomited and passed out. What a sissy, he only had a sip.
edited 11th Feb '12 10:17:25 PM by Bocaj
Forever liveblogging the Avengers>Sarah: embark on your quest
Not quite yet. There's something you need to do first. Something that will make this whole ordeal more tolerable.
>Order drink from the bar
Ah, this is more like i- WHAT THE HELL, THIS ISN'T ALCOHOL IT'S BANANA JUICE.
You complain to the bartender and demand a stronger drink. After a moment of argument, he brings out a new bottle and pours you a shot. You throw it back, and OH GOD DAMMIT IT'S MORE BANANA JUICE.
"What the hell," you say. "Don't you have any actual booze to drink?" you ask with the righteous fury of twelve angry men. Persons, rather. Twelve angry persons. Nice and nonsexist. What a close call! You almost fell victim to biased heteronormative thought patterns. How embarrassing!
"We're monkeys," he replies. "What the fuck else did you expect?"
"Fair enough," you reply. "But if you want me to do anything like rescue your whores again, you better start stocking booze."
"Where the hell am I supposed to get booze and not banana juice?" he replies. "I'm kind of lacking in non-monkey suppliers and non-monkey customers."
"I'll give some to you to stock for me when I get back," you reply. There, that'll show him. Trying to not give you booze. Little fuzzy asshole.
"Teebs is a total grump, but he's usually right." - NLK>Mari: Ascend More
Man, you've been sitting in this incredibly mysterious tower doing nothing at all for far too long. You do believe its high time to finish climbing it! Your army, while reluctant to cut short their debate on the merits of various shanking techniques, agree that it'd probably be a better use of time to be questin'.
The best technique was William's, btw. Can't go wrong with the ol' Ezio Twist.
Anyway, your army falls into place behind you as you begin climbing. No more of that grappling around in a hurricane bullshit, you have stairs now. Endless spiral stairs, only sounds those of your footsteps and the constant rumbling from outside. And the impquisitors talking, but that's pretty much constant, you kinda filter it out. Every room looks the same too, incomprehensible machinery overgrown with vines n shit. You find a dead fish walker once, that's a fun diversion. The troops play a rousing game of calvinball with its bones while you mess with the walker. It's a nifty little gadget, you might have to recruit some.
Occasionally a room will have an airlock on it, which seems odd on a tower a few thousand feet above the ocean, but hey, you're not the one who built it. Can't get any of them open, unfortunately. Your court wizard says he could blow them open with some lightning if you want. You reluctantly decline. Lightning in small metal rooms seems unwise.
Then, suddenly, you reach a room just like every other. Besides the airlock having a giant crack in it. There's actually a breeze in here. Finally, some fresh air!
You summon several impquisitors to help. With a heave, you... tear the door off the wall? Well, that works.
The door is promptly thrown into the back of the room. Several of the new recruits, who were kind of huddled behind the regulars in awe, are exploded. Farewell, sweet imps, we will soon forget you.
And then, of course, you get struck by a bolt of lightning. HOLY SHIT THAT HURTS WOW THE LICH WAS BARELY THROWING LIGHTNING AT ALL
You crumple into a nice little heap on the ground, sort of twitch for a while. Your impquisitors quickly rush to your aid, or at least as quickly as an imp can rush into a wall of wind. They're helped by everybody getting helpfully slammed against the back wall with the door helpfully. Eventually drag you up a bunch of stairs. It would hurt if you could feel your head.
When you recover enough to understand simple sentences, your court wizard helpfully informs you that you're right in the middle of the storm veil, AKA a mile thick layer of constant lightning and hellacious windy death. Apparently his former master mr Denizen man put it up. Former master. You do so love how quickly their loyalty grows.
After a bit more recovery time, you thank your retainers for their assistance, then swear them all to secrecy. No one can ever know that were reduced to incoherent babbling by a simple lightning bolt. Just imagining what that would do to your image makes you shudder. The old guard all pledge their lives to the secrets keeping, but some of the recruits look a little iffy. You do as I say or die, you pronounce, before driving a blade into the most reluctant. They all wise up and swear too after that. This secret will go with them into their graves.
That kid was a troublemaker anyway, William says. Surprised he didn't get weeded out earlier.
Dirk and Cosmimp nod in agreement.
After nothing else of note happening, you reach the apex of the spire. Its actually open, unlike the rest of it, and above the stupid veil. The only thing visible in any direction is skaias light, reflecting off the cloud tops. No other spires marring its surface in any direction. It's so beautiful, you wish you'd brought a poet. Wait, you did.
You order William to get to work at once composing a suitable work to express the majesty of this sight. He salutes and begins immediately, delegating the task of creative consultation to Athos and Aramis. Ah, the joys of having minions.
With the clouds adequately appreciated, you move on to inspecting the rest of the room. It's the same as all the other rooms, only thing different is a control panel standing over by the edge. Great, you'll have to work out some asinine puzzle bullshit to get your quest mcguffin.
However, upon closer inspection, it just has a big red button. Convenient! You press it with a flourish.
With a ponderous groan, the roof slowly folds out and down, forming a staircase up to... a portal? How exquisite. Looks like this isn't a sidequest at all, it's our ticket off of bullshit typhoon planet. Seeya later, fish people! You'll end up on ink planet next, if you remember right. So exciting! You rush up to the portal, leap in, and then... (⌒▽⌒)☆
End up back at your house. FUCK. THIS IS SO STUPID, WHY DIDNT YOU APPRECIATE THE ONLY DRY PLACE ON THIS ENTIRE PLANET MORE BEFORE LEAVING? BUT NO YOU HAD TO BE AN IDIOT AND ASSUME THE PORTAL WOULD ACTUALLY BE USEFUL OF COURSE IT WASNT THE GAME IS A DICK WHY WOULD IT EVER DO SOMETHING YOU WOULD WANT NO THAT WOULD BE FAR TOO SENSIBLE (; ̄Д ̄)
You just scream for a while. Someone else post now.
edited 12th Feb '12 6:38:45 PM by ChrisisCraziest
Do or do not, there is no try.>Sarah: quit yer procrastinatin' get to rescuin' those whores. They ain't gonna save themselves.
Bluh. Fine.
But first you need to do something.
Make something.
You sneakily grab a cowboy monkey's pistol on your way out the door. Like a boss. Unfortunately, before you're two steps out the door, the monkey accosts you, anxious for the return of his gun. You smack him on the head with a bottle of Nepenthe (you apparently alchemized it when you were drunk? well, if you drank some of it, that would explain a few things...) and he promptly forgets what he was getting worked up over. He shrugs and returns inside the bar.
Score one for the hipster.
You quickly return to your house, with the help of a neato elevator system the monkeys have set up, and some use of Danny's climbing gear. You then set to work.
>Combine bottle with monkey's revolver
You get the SIX PACK SHOOTER, designed to fire bottles at your enemies. An effective delivery system for the more explosive Ao E bottles you might alchemize. You quickly alchemize another one, then a pair of holsters moddled on Danny's grapling gun holder.
Now you've got the guns. Now you've got the hat. Now you've got the plaid shirt. But something's missing...
>Quickly retrieve boot from closet.
Your roommate, being from Texas, naturally has a pair of cowgirl boots. Good thing you two have the same size feet!
>Admire self
You look pretty good, but you're still missing something...
But what could it be?
Is it-
Oh, it is.
But the guy who wore it is a sexist womanizing asshole.
But that only adds to the irony.
Oh, that would be insane levels of irony.
You are so going for this.
>Alchemize poncho
After much experimentation and the consumption of an undefendable amount of grist, you finally have it. The poncho worn by Clint Eastwood in the Dollars Trilogy. Your look is now complete. You also make a totally awesome vest to go with it.
You look so ironic and cool its basically insane. Let's see Mari try and beat this.
Hint: she cannot.
You have the sum totality of cool. The sigma.
>Embark on adventure!
Now properly attired, and with a few extra rounds of ammo you quickly alchemized offscreen, you set off on whore-rescuing adventure.
Unfortunately, you realize, it's going to be kind of hard to get around. Mostly because the ground level of the planet you're on is basically underwater and you don't feel like risking drowning in muck. Better ask the locals for advice, seeing as they would know their world best.
You quickly return to the monkey town and ask how they usually get around outside of town. After being chewed out for taking so long to start rescuing their whores, they provide a few answers. Either one goes from tree to tree with a combination of jumps and swinging from vines, or one uses a Treewalker. After some more inquiring, you learn that a treewalker is a bizarre mixture of cat and squid that uses its tentacles to move around and hang and swing from tree limbs.
It's like a horse for the swampbound. Cool.
You quickly negotiate the use of one, mostly by pointing out that the whores won't get rescued without one, and, well, the monkeys like their whores. You hope against hope that they miss the individuals, not just the cheap sex with no emotional connection, but it's more likely they just want the cheap sex with women they insult and jeer when they're not busy getting their little monkey cocks sucked by them.
You make a mental note to give these monkeys a stern talking to when you get back. Set 'em straight. And maybe make a blog post about it.
Anyways, enough dilly-dallying! Hi ho, Silver away!
(Silver is what you named your catsquid. More irony.)
>Hi ho, Silver away!
You and the catsquid travel far and wide in the search for the whores. You investigate many coves in the general direction Mari suggested, with no luck. You're about to give up when you find the ghost town.
It's very similar in construction style to the town you just came from. Unlike that one, though, this one looks abandoned.
Which probably means someone's hiding in it.
Whelp, time to check it out.
You hitch your catsquid outside the saloon that's currently falling apart, then start having a look around. The first few buildings are empty, but then you hit paydirt.
Sorta.
Well the dirt part's fairly accurate.
You enter a house and are immediately greeted with full frontal monkey and imp nudity.
>Consider taking a hit of Nepenthe
For a moment you consider quaffing this kind Nepenthe and forgetting that the scene you just walked in on happened.
After the whores shriek and jump behind the imp and the imp puts away his vibrator penis (where the hell did it get one of those?!) you tell the whores to get their clothes on, they're leaving. They act disappoint. It seems the imp not only paid better, but was all around better in the sack. You tell them you don't really care, you're enacting a rescue and that they're betraying their gender by attempting to pledge loyalty to the biggest penis. They glare at you as they put their clothes on. You continue to be righteously indignant.
That's when the imp clears his throat.
>Deal with this walking grist deposit.
You start to reach for one of your Six Pack Shooters, and the imp holds up its hands and begins to chitter. Through a series of gestures, he indicates a desire to talk this over before resorting to violence. You agree. Give peace a chance!
Through more gestures, he claims an overall lack of interest in doing what the rest of the imps are doing. You inquire as to why that is. He gestures that he is above it, and a fair bit smarter than the rest. You ask how that is. He gestures to you to look at him and tell him what you see. You ask if it's a trick. He gestures that what you see is an imp and has realized that he's really not capable of doing jack shit physically and has little ability to defend himself. So in lieu of going about being a little wretch, he instead decided to become a high ranking imp so he could basically do nothing but enjoy himself. You say that sounds like a good philosophy. He gestures that he is glad you agree with him and inquires as to whether or not you would object to a traveling companion. You agree, but inform him that if he tries any funny business, his vibrator's getting plugged into his own ass. He gestures that you have made your point, then offers a handshake.
>Shake hands
You do so. AND THUS IS FORGED A MIGHTY ALLIANCE
SARAH LLEWELLYN AND TYRION IMPISTER.
"Teebs is a total grump, but he's usually right." - NLK>Be the Collector
You are now Sally again. The past hour has been extremely busy for you. First, you helped Jackie build up her house to the next few gates. That was a load off your mind. No one falling to their deaths due to improperly built structures, now! Then you took the next portal up your house and fell towards another part of your Land. Which is to say, you took a flying leap into the center of a floating mass of giant lanterns. That was not very fun. Luckily, however, you were rescued by the local residents who had put together a great net in place just for that purpose. A strange little folk, to be sure; lizard-like creatures with a strange growth between their eyes and spines all down their backs. Very generous, though. And grateful! Once you started creating clothing for the sweet little dears, they began to rather idolize you, you fear.
After some more sharing of vestments, the little dears took you to see their chieftain or something of that sort: an elderly lizard-folk who took your hand in his tiny scrabbly claws, and said something
important
VERY important
you're sure of it
you just can't remember it.
But by the time you'd left their little outpost on the lamp, you'd left him a tiny embroidered cloak that he seemed most grateful for.
And also you guess you knew how to throw lamps around, too. That would make getting around here a little bit easier.
You send a pester to Mari to inform her of your early arrival, but it seems like she isn't available at the moment, so you drop in the portal anyway.
Tally-ho! hahahaha whatever who even gee ay eff
>Mari: Girl you so fab where you get your hair did
The imps did it.
They move on to your nails as Sarah
pesters you. You have to take a break to go kill some ogres in the middle, Troubles gets a hold of your chat while you're out. Oh, what a rascal.
She spouts some nonsense about Larry being an unwilling slave when you get back. As if! You treat all of your imps with utmost compassion and fairness. Right Larry?
He looks up from his place as your footrest and readily agrees. Anything for you, mistress.
As your pedicure imps file out to make way for the manicure squad, a wild Sally
appears! And promptly drive you out of your chair and into the ground. OW. You swear to god, if you broke a nail, you're gonna have to stab a bitch.
You have a nice conversation, then she floats off on a lamp.
Wat, says Aramis, from his position holding your coat. Agreed, little buddy.
Yeah, it's whatev'. Sally being weird as usual. You go back to having your nails did.
Do or do not, there is no try.>Alan: Be active
Man, you've been working the Alchemiter for way too long, it feels like you've been absent from important events for more than 2 weeks!
That's silly, of course. Your new REAPER TIMER says it's only been like 1 hour since you alchemized it.
>Wait, what?
You suppose you'd better show off some of your new stuff before you start referring to it all nonchalantly.
The first thing you did after scoring a bunch more Grist was to improve your weaponry. You took a CANDLE LIGHTER and combined it with your 1/4 FROST STAFF to switch it to a 1/4 FIRE STAFF. You smashed the two together (||, for anyone who cares) to make a BIPOLAR QUARTERSTAFF, a pair of staffheads that can shoot either fire or ice.
As to the BIBLIOBEATER, you threw in an image of a ROD OF LORDLY MIGHT, and created a SPRING-LOADED BIBLIOBEATER. It's got a button that catapults the book a good distance, or smashes in the face of an imp from short range. You then combined it with a FREE-WEIGHT to creat the WEIGHTED SPRINGSTAFF, basically a spring-loaded stick with a heavy load attached to the end. It is EXTREMELY HEAVY, so it's a good thing that your ALUMNUSMIGHT has been steadily increasing with each echeladder rung achieved. (by the way, you currently find yourself at the SOFTWARE SIMIAN rank. Keep on scaling.)
The aforementioned REAPER TIMER was created by combining an old GLOVE with a copy of THE WORLD ENDS WITH YOU. It's a small patch that you have on the back of your hand, which causes the palm of your hand to display a creepy red digital clock, even if you're wearing gloves. You are relieved to find that it's counting up, so it appears to be a normal clock, and not a countdown to your untimely doom.
You combined that with your laptop to create the KARIYA COMPUTING SOLUTION, an on-hand hands-free computer hologrammifier, which you have stored on the back of your right hand. You think perhaps that the name of the thing is a backhanded (ha. ha. hilarous...) way of calling you lazy, but you don't give it much thought.
You've also spiced up your clothing. An old PUMPKIN that was meant to be used for HALLOWEEN, when mixed with a HOODIE and JEANS have created a set of DRACULA BRAND CASUALWARE, a set of urban wear that looks like something a young Dracula would wear on the mean streets of Brooklyn. It even makes your eyes glow if you put the hood up! Which is so cool you ignore the horribly inaccurate statements in that last sentence. It's sufficiently spooky for this place, anyway.
Speaking of glowing, you combined your CLASS RING with a FLASHLIGHT to create a ring-mounted TORCHRING. A portable light source is a good thing to have.
Getting fancy, you grabbed a throw rug from the your couch, and mashed it with your TOME OF RPG MAGIC ITEMS, in the hopes of making a MAGIC CARPET. Instead, you got a MAGICIAN'S CARPET. You don't know what it fully does yet, but every coin you put under it vanishes, and you swear you hear the footfalls of a rabbit somewhere.
You did the other combination, and got a HOVERCARPET. Not exactly "flying". All it does is hover an inch off the ground.
You then combined it with your SNEAKERS, and got WISDOM SNEAKS. Glowing blue sneakers that allow you to hover an inch off the ground. With a little experimentation, you figured out how to land, and use them to skate at high speeds. Pretty sweet.
You combined those with a horror book (because using pumpkins, you decided, was dumb) and got FELL FLIGHT EVIL AIR PUMPS. Despite the ominous name, they're really the same shoes, just in a tasteful shade of shiny black.
You didn't alchemize the CANE OF PACCI with anything because it is a dumb thing. Pretty amusing, though. Doip doip doooip.
And that brings you back to now. You hear an incessant rumbling noise outside and fineally go out to inspect it.
Oh goodness it is an ogre, with a multi-imp entourage. We are all very surprised by this event, as it certainly is not a retread of events already done by other players, and was certainly not annoyingly foreshadowed weeks in advance.
edited 29th Feb '12 10:45:38 AM by Enlong
I have a message from another time...>Jackie: Participate in yet another memo
You were about to pester Sally but suddenly Brick accidentally started a memo. Geez, these things sure get better all the time, don’t they? Well, Alan got into some sort of trouble but now he’s fine and Sally is still MIA. Guess you’ll just have to wait here and... oh wait, is she online now? You sure hope so. Her absence is starting to get a bit disconcerting.
You talk to her, and while you were getting pretty worried there, you find out she’s okay and just has been dealing with Mari’s shenanigans. Mari actually built a death circus? You admit you’re a bit disturbed by that (not really surprised though) and somewhat disturbed by the fact that Sally so easily shakes it off as no big deal. Well, it works for her, so you won’t bug her too much about it. You finally get the machines you need, and also apologize for her having to deal with your shenanigans. You doubt she thinks too much of it, but it’s still nice to get it off your chest.
>Alchemize some... oh wait answer Danny first.
You talk to Danny again, and you’re probably going to have to come clean with the whole Boyfriendbotsprite thing soon, but you rather talk about it in person and not on a medium that can be copied and pasted and sent to others out of context.
But more importantly, you’ve got to make some awesome stuff for him! Sounds like he’ll be needing some portable (maybe hands free?) lighting and you have some cool ideas that you’d like to make.
>Jackie: NOW go alchemize a whole bunch of shit!
YES
HELL YES
HELL FUCKING YES
Probably should alchemize something as a test first to get an idea on how to work the machine.
>Combine wrench and spare gear.
You make the GEAR SHIFT WRENCH. If you move the gears, it changes the type of bolt that the wrench could be used for. An awesome result for your first try at this!
>Combine jacket and laptop.
You create the JACKET TOP. Easy button access right on you jacket for quick computer needs on the go!
Hmm. Well, now you SORT OF get how the machines work with the card punches. And the other way with the hole punches?
>Combine jacket and laptop using other hole punching method.
You create the FABRICTOP. Well... it’s softer to the touch now, you guess.
Now to get working on that stuff for Danny...
>Combine light bulb and shoes.
You create...LIGHT BULB SHOES. Made of glass. So okay, Danny was right, but you still haven’t tried the other hole punch method yet!
> Combine light bulb and shoes using other hole punching method.
You create SHOE SHAPED LIGHT BULBS.
...
FUCK.
Okay, time for other ideas. You have a room full of light bulbs and a cache full of grist. Oh wait no scratch that last part you are actually running sort of low. You search the room for any items that other people may have forgotten in the lab. This next item is probably the last one you’ll make for a while until you kill more imps.
You find something leaning against someone’s desk. Maybe this will work?
>Combine light bulb and umbrella.
You create the LIGHTS ON UMBRELLA. The fabric is the actual light bulb part it seems, but you don’t have to open the umbrella to get it to work. Still, it might come in handy for any umbrella needs! Whatever they may be where Danny is at.
You send Danny the code, and then start to ascend the staircase that Sally built for you. Maybe you will kill some imps along the way and finally figure out where the hell you actually are.
♥ ♦ ♠ ♣>Mari: necropost
(hi, im chris! Whoda thunk it?)
Mari suddenly wakes up from her random months long nap. What was even the deal with that? Mari thinks that such long breaks are just nonsense, and makes a mental note to send an imp hit squad after whoever is responsible. For now, Mari will just be glad that school is over and she can post again. She will be more glad when she can remember the proper voice to use but this will have to do for now.
I recommend skipping.

>Mari: Socialize
Finally, Nate finished!
Fiiiiiiiiiiiinally. Felt like days for him to do it, but you're finally built up to your gate. And to make it up to you for taking so long, he even added a theater and arena! What can you say, you're worth it. :)
TRAIN OF THOUGHT WHERE DID YOU GO Of course, Nate has problems of his own. And, of course, he's way too nice to take care of them. Luckily, you're here to help him! This team, you swear, you don't know where they'd end up without you. Probably all dead! Just one more reason you're the leader, right? ;)
Anyway, you have a nice chat
with Sarah. She's a stubborn bitch, as usual. What else is new, right? You don't know how any of your less generous teammates deals with her. But hey, you passed on your message, what more can a gal want? You'd say you've gone well above and beyond the call of duty already! Entirely out the goodness of your own heart, too! Your friends are so lucky to have a saint like you. So lucky.
Also Brick
contacts you????????????
>Ascend
You decide that it's high time you selected the chosen few of your impquisitors to accompany you through to your land proper. Every proper ruler has an entourage, after all. After a rigorous selection process, aka asking the Vicar who he prefers, you settle on the ten best candidates. Yeah, you got tired of not knowing what he was saying so you gave him a text to speech thing. He sounds like Sean Connery, it's so damn sexy, you don't even know.
Shortly thereafter, you call every impquisitor together into the theatre. The finest refreshments, crafted by handpicked Oatz Imps in the kitchens, are served to all. After a short period of socializing, you call everyone to silence. Your ten choices are called forth, one by one, and presented with the badges of their new office; a ceremonial dagger, an inscribed NAMES ARE HARD, and a very snazzy text to speech wristband. All with different voices too! You basically thought of everything, it's a talent you have. They are all deeply honored by their selections, and pledge their lives to your service. Again. Not like double life pledges are a bad thing, right?
After they've taken positions down both sides of the stage, you reveal that the time has come for you to depart into your land. There is a moment of silence, then pandemonium breaks out. They just can't handle the fact that you'll be gone! How adorable is that? You let them mill around screaming for a few seconds, then silence them with a yell. "While I may be gone from here in person," you say, "I will always be with you in spirit! Just persevere and spread word of my radiance, and one day I will return!"
The imps take heart from your inspiring words, and all leave shortly thereafter, full of new found zeal. As they're filing out, you see something you simply can't believe. Is... is that... a kyubey tiger imp? Oh my GOD its so fluffy and lovable you MUST have it! THIS INSTANT!!!
You immediately induct the tiger kyubey imp into your entourage as its twelfth member, and quickly give him his gear. Then, when no one is looking, you scoop him up for the biggest hug and just squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee for a while. He seems vaguely nonplussed. Turns out his name is Troubles, that is just the cutest thing you have ever heard oh my god you just cant stand it eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
All that taken care of, you make the quick climb up to your gate, imptourage in tow. You tell them what you want them to do, and they gladly oblige, all quickly rushing into the gate. You smile, imagining the scene soon to greet you. The Exemplars, your empowered megaimp assault team, fanned out around the gate at attention. The Templar, your stealthy mothimp and debimp recon force, floating above it, trumpets at the ready. The Vicar, heralding your coming. An entire consort village, standing in awe at your arrival. And Troubles just sitting off in a corner being the cutest thing in the history of anything my goodness you cant think about him youll descend into mindless delighted squeeing again if you do REGAIN YOUR COMPOSURE MARI.
Then you do, and step through the gate.
Everything is just as you imagined it. It is perfection! Except the only consort to be seen is a single bored looking fish thing in a steampunk walker suit. Aaaaaaaaaand you're on top of a really tall spire. And it's still retardedly stormy.
Apparently your consorts are fish things in walker suits? That's cool, you guess. Better than monkeys, for sure. This one seems very unimpressed with your entrance, though. You find it almost hard to believe, it seems pretty damn impressive to you! Just to be sure, you walk up to him and ask what his deal it.
"What's your deal?" you ask.
"Man, whatever. Don't care. Fix our fuckin' land, then we can talk."
My god, the sheer nerve! This is unbelievable! Inconceivable! This cannot be allowed to stand! No one snubs you like this and lives!
Your eyes narrow, and you turn away from the fish thing.
"Gideon, Radical Larry? Kill him."
Your exemplar leap in and set to work with gusto, while you turn away and begin surveying your new kingdom.
Yeah, you should probably be someone else now, this'll be grisly.
Do or do not, there is no try.