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Pykrete NOT THE BEES from Viridian Forest Since: Sep, 2009
NOT THE BEES
#301: Jun 4th 2012 at 6:21:54 PM

You are Trixie.

You are one badass mother fucker.

That sounds like as good a start as any.

EDIT: Okay, I had to read through that one, and I think my brain turned off five lines in as a defense mechanism.

"The greatest magic," Celestia says, "is fucking bitches."

edited 4th Jun '12 6:30:44 PM by Pykrete

Zyxzy Embrace the mindscrew from Salem, OR Since: Jan, 2001
Embrace the mindscrew
#302: Jun 4th 2012 at 8:09:32 PM

That sounds Thirty Hs interesting.

What's the frequency Kenneth?|In case of war.
Malph (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#303: Jun 4th 2012 at 11:06:11 PM

Fandom: The Avengers

““Brother,” Thor boomed, “I must copulate with you now!””

Try some foreplay first.


Fandom: Glee

“She entered the Warblers practice room with enough confidence that if she were Swiper the Fox, she wouldn’t stop swiping at 3 ‘Swiper no swiping’s.’”

Why exactly does Swiper stop after a 5 year old Mexican girl and a monkey yell "Swiper! No swiping!" 3 times? It's not like they have any real power beyond that. Maybe he's cursed.

Also, how does that have anything to do with confidence?


Fandom: Harry Potter

“The brooms in Quidditch would later be replaced with flying buses, making the game far more interesting to watch. After all, watching a bus try to catch the snitch is rather comical.”

That's what I've been saying for years!


Fandom: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

“Dash pulled hard. There was a loud tearing sound and Scootaloo’s bathing suit was ripped off her body and destroyed.

“What the fuck?” Dash screamed. She looked down where the candy vag should be. She couldn’t believe it. There were two little pink balls, and a little penile sheath.”

edited 4th Jun '12 11:08:15 PM by Malph

PippingFool Eclipse the Moon from A Floridian Prison Since: Oct, 2009 Relationship Status: I get a feeling so complicated...
Eclipse the Moon
#304: Jun 5th 2012 at 2:14:30 AM

Fandom: Sherlock

“We’re not quite sure how Sherlock manages to fellate that thing, but he somehow manages (probably with That Thing He Does With His Tongue™ which makes John scream, which sounds like he tied John’s dick into a knot with his tongue) to get a metric whale-ton of John’s hot salty cum from that giant fire hose. And then he asks for a condom, which renders the entire operation moot because firstly, there are no five-metre-long condoms. Yet'

Oh where to start...

Fandom: Twilight

“Well you see Edward I think that the venom figures out whether the person is a top or a bottom and it makes the tops dick bigger and the bottoms ass bigger, either way its cool right.”

Oh Twilight...

Fandom: My Little Pony: Fi M

“Honestly Fluttershy, I know my butt has been growing a lot lately, but you should feel honored to be my cushion today. Not everyone gets to be this up close and personal with me, you know.” Rarity talked down to Fluttershy, as if her conceited ego was supposed to comfort the fact that she had a face full of Rarity’s bum. Fluttershy dared to respond underneath Rarity’s ass, but as her muffled words were the same as silence, her will faltered. She could only whimper and squeak some more underneath Rarity.

What the fuck brony bretheren?

I'm having to learn to pay the price
TheOneWhoTropes Dread Sorcerer of Auchtermuchty from Newton-le-willows, quaint town Since: Feb, 2010 Relationship Status: With my statistically significant other
Dread Sorcerer of Auchtermuchty
#305: Jun 5th 2012 at 4:04:06 AM

facesitting ponies. No wonder FE wanted all the recommendations for clop fics off this site.

No context is always good:

"Ohhhhhaaaahhhhhngggnnnhhhhhhh."

edited 5th Jun '12 4:08:30 AM by TheOneWhoTropes

Keeper of The Celestial Flame
Pykrete NOT THE BEES from Viridian Forest Since: Sep, 2009
NOT THE BEES
#306: Jun 5th 2012 at 12:38:45 PM

People were recommending...?

Okay, you know what? I'm not surprised. Our fanfic recs pages aren't what they used to be.

TheOneWhoTropes Dread Sorcerer of Auchtermuchty from Newton-le-willows, quaint town Since: Feb, 2010 Relationship Status: With my statistically significant other
Dread Sorcerer of Auchtermuchty
#307: Jun 7th 2012 at 11:28:12 AM

They are now. 5P went through and removed all the crap, back when they were first created.

Keeper of The Celestial Flame
Pykrete NOT THE BEES from Viridian Forest Since: Sep, 2009
NOT THE BEES
#308: Jun 7th 2012 at 12:43:10 PM

Fandom: Hetalia

“In retort, the man moved his arms low on Gilbert’s waste, too far down to be chaste.”

Determined that this not be smut,
He said "I do not like it in the butt!

Put away your battering ram,
Put it away, Sam-I-am!"

PippingFool Eclipse the Moon from A Floridian Prison Since: Oct, 2009 Relationship Status: I get a feeling so complicated...
Eclipse the Moon
#309: Jun 7th 2012 at 5:34:11 PM

[up]

Yannow, lines from mediocre fanfic somehow become funnier when read out of context like that :P.

I'm having to learn to pay the price
BearyScary Since: Sep, 2010 Relationship Status: You spin me right round, baby
#310: Jun 7th 2012 at 6:09:36 PM

"Ohhhhhaaaahhhhhngggnnnhhhhhhh."

Is that from a lemon from the guy that writes pron for the Progressive ad chick? Sigh.. you know what, I don't even wanna know. >.<

Yanno, nothing distracts more from a piece of alleged erotica than crude descriptions of body parts/functions. Like, try not being shy one sentence and PG-13+ in the next, maybe. You know what you're writing; why pussyfoot around? Or maybe they're the kinds of writers that want a "fuck me gently" kind of sentiment?

Do not obey in advance.
Pykrete NOT THE BEES from Viridian Forest Since: Sep, 2009
NOT THE BEES
#311: Jun 7th 2012 at 9:36:24 PM

the guy that writes pron for the Progressive ad chick

...

I wish this surprised me. I really wish I was not so scarred that Flo porn could still surprise me.

But it doesn't. sad

edited 7th Jun '12 9:36:40 PM by Pykrete

BearyScary Since: Sep, 2010 Relationship Status: You spin me right round, baby
#312: Jun 7th 2012 at 11:55:56 PM

[up][lol]

I know that feel, bro.

edited 7th Jun '12 11:59:57 PM by BearyScary

Do not obey in advance.
TheOneWhoTropes Dread Sorcerer of Auchtermuchty from Newton-le-willows, quaint town Since: Feb, 2010 Relationship Status: With my statistically significant other
Dread Sorcerer of Auchtermuchty
#313: Jun 8th 2012 at 9:47:42 AM

[up]It's from a Sherlock fanfiction, apparently. Knew it would get people talking.

Have we had the "900 millimetre penis is small" fanfic yet?

900 millimetres is 34.5 inches.

edited 8th Jun '12 9:52:27 AM by TheOneWhoTropes

Keeper of The Celestial Flame
Malph (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#314: Jun 8th 2012 at 10:42:34 AM

[up][up][up] I know.

[up] Many Fanfic writers don't realize women (and men. And many animals. And plants, fungi, bacteria, archaea,...) would probably flee in terror at the sight of a 3 foot long penis.

Freudian Mode Active!

I think the tendency of male writers to give their characters horrifically large penises is because they themselves are insecure about the sizes of their own and are trying to overcompensate through a fictional character. They're essentially stuffing a sausage in their pants, without actually sticking meat products in their pants.

As for female writers who do it? Penis envy. (Hey, this is Freud Mode, what did you expect?)

edited 8th Jun '12 11:03:50 AM by Malph

Pykrete NOT THE BEES from Viridian Forest Since: Sep, 2009
NOT THE BEES
#315: Jun 8th 2012 at 3:53:49 PM

At least the male writers who do that have the excuse of some confused, twisted sense of machismo about having a dong as long as their arm. The female writers...I mean, they have to be doing that as a joke. I can't see a girl poke around down there and think "man, I wish I could stuff a fencepost in that up to my lungs."

Pykrete NOT THE BEES from Viridian Forest Since: Sep, 2009
NOT THE BEES
#317: Jun 9th 2012 at 2:17:29 PM

The lesser-known Episode 2.420:

“anakin:so you saying i can have bear and do crazy shit

yoda:no bear is not good does not get you drunk drink tequila then it is ok”

RocketDude Since: May, 2009
#318: Jun 9th 2012 at 2:19:19 PM

Fosters: Australian for bear.

BearyScary Since: Sep, 2010 Relationship Status: You spin me right round, baby
#319: Jun 9th 2012 at 2:54:34 PM

It took me a few seconds to realize that they were probably talking about beer. Also, Script Fic is    verboten    on FF.net. It's like the author didn't care at all! surprised

Although that's not sexactly script fic, it's still Not How You Are Supposed To Write Fan Fiction. waii

edited 9th Jun '12 2:55:59 PM by BearyScary

Do not obey in advance.
chihuahua0 Since: Jul, 2010
#320: Jun 9th 2012 at 3:29:24 PM

The last time I was at Fan Fiction Dot Net, nobody really cared if you were writing a script fic.

TheOneWhoTropes Dread Sorcerer of Auchtermuchty from Newton-le-willows, quaint town Since: Feb, 2010 Relationship Status: With my statistically significant other
Dread Sorcerer of Auchtermuchty
#321: Jun 9th 2012 at 3:50:43 PM

yeah, screw Critics United.

Malph: From the context I think he got millimetres and micrometres confused.

edited 9th Jun '12 3:53:00 PM by TheOneWhoTropes

Keeper of The Celestial Flame
PippingFool Eclipse the Moon from A Floridian Prison Since: Oct, 2009 Relationship Status: I get a feeling so complicated...
Eclipse the Moon
#322: Jun 9th 2012 at 4:58:05 PM

Fandom: Hetalia

“germany jumped up from his chair and shouted “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” he reached in2 his pants and pulled out teh machine gun he always kept lodged up in his buttocks in case he ever needed a machine gun.”

[lol]
Fandom: Hetalia/Homestuck (John x Germania)

“‘Zillyhoo! Zilly-you!’ said Germania.

‘What,’ said John. And they did not bone because John is not a homosexual.”

[lol][lol]
Fandom: Twilight

“I realized what I was smelling. It was the sweetest, most succulent of all substances, menstrual blood. I couldn’t help myself so I stuck my tongue deeper into her center, trying to suck the blood out. It oozed, a mixture of blood and juices. I got frustrated at it’s slow trickle, and before I knew it, I had bitten off her labia minoras. She screaming in pain, trying to push me off, but it was of no use. I was too strong.”

Ummf!
Fandom: iCarly

“Ok that was it Jake yanked their boxers down ad ground into Freddie sucking his and tweaking his nipples getting restrained sexy sounds from his uke which he wanted un- restrained.

After leaving his mark his lips met plump ones and he ravished them until they were woollen and slightly bruised. He then traced down Freddie’s torso with his tongue licked Freddie’s 10 ½ inch dicks”

O_o
Fandom: Mario Brothers

“The Princess’s nude figure, Mario decided, was beautiful - curvy, flawless skin, and a small patch of heart-shaped Peach fuzz above the Warp Pipe to world 6-9, a level promising unmatched pleasure.”

...

...

...[lol]

I'm having to learn to pay the price
T-bone61 [Today's Jo Jo] (Handed A Sword) Relationship Status: Gay for Big Boss
[Today's Jo Jo]
#323: Jun 10th 2012 at 12:48:51 AM

[up]That last one wins fucking everything.

Aondeug Oh My from Our Dreams Since: Jun, 2009
Oh My
#324: Jun 10th 2012 at 12:53:04 AM

Their obsessive rule following is just cementing my move to Ao3 and my ignoring of ff.net. I found the rule dumb even if I don't write the things. The no chat thing bugs me moreso because it plays a part in certain things I am writing.

That and I always have fucking issues with the interface and editing my stuff on the site. Ff.net is shit and most of what it has is shit. It's so called quality control methods do little.

Oh well,

If someone wants to accuse us of eating coconut shells, then that's their business. We know what we're doing. - Achaan Chah
PippingFool Eclipse the Moon from A Floridian Prison Since: Oct, 2009 Relationship Status: I get a feeling so complicated...
Eclipse the Moon
#325: Jun 10th 2012 at 12:59:53 AM

Fandom: Hetalia

“Oh, that fun. It was like one of those Pokemon games Kiku happened to be so fond of. America’s argument was his evolution. And when Ivan didn’t want him to argue/evolve, he’d just click ‘B’…Which was conveniently placed inside his ass and called a “prostate”.

This is the weirdest sex metaphor I have ever come across so far.

Fandom: Hannah Montana

“The yells from downstairs could be heard through the bedroom door I leaned against while tears poured down my pale cheeks.”

Why do I get the feeling this fic takes itself way to seriously?

Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Spike hissed in that way that bad guys do when they are hurt, not physically, but in some other, less apparent way. In Spike’s case, his feelings were hurt. Boymony felt intense guilt at that, and almost without meaning to, but really meaning to, he gave Spike a big manly hug. Spike returned the hug, their massive vampire strength crushing each other’s internal vampire organs, but then their vampire healing repaired their broken bones.

Before the hug could deepen into a stronger hug, Spike threw Boymony off of himself, crushing a person to death.”

Holy kumquat, tone this shit down.

Fandom: Harry Potter

“Harry, stumbling, looked under the bus. The sight was unbelievable- Voldemort was crushed under one of the front wheels.

‘Congratulations.’ Harry said a little shocked.

‘Pardon?’

‘You just defeated Voldemort.’”

Only this comes to mind.

Fandom: Super Smash Brothers (Brawl)

“At the feeling of his lovers worm sperm spilling out onto his hand, Ike also went over the edge.”

Bwah!?

Fandom: Harry Potter

“Unsure of why he was doing so, Tom bit down -in similar fashion- into Harry’s collarbone with his vampire like fangs. Tom was part vampire due to his “muggle” father Tom Riddle Senior. The bites caused the soul bonds to rehydrate themselves after years of magical dehydration. It was true that Tom and Harry were soul mates.”

Bluh?

Fandom: 30 Rock

“And then it got even weirder, with the bear putting on an artfully-ripped red leather jacket, turning into a werewolf, and then making out with her on Jack’s desk while a bunch of inmates in orange jumpsuits moonwalked around the office and Michael Jackson serenaded them from a passing helicopter.”

This is Thirty Hs interesting

And talking about Thirty Hs....

Fandom: Harry Potter (Thirty Hs)

“Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn’t really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading.”

The Classics never get old.

edited 10th Jun '12 1:08:17 AM by PippingFool

I'm having to learn to pay the price

Total posts: 1,779
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