““Brother,” Thor boomed, “I must copulate with you now!””
Try some foreplay first.
“She entered the Warblers practice room with enough confidence that if she were Swiper the Fox, she wouldn’t stop swiping at 3 ‘Swiper no swiping’s.’”
Why exactly does Swiper stop after a 5 year old Mexican girl and a monkey yell "Swiper! No swiping!" 3 times? It's not like they have any real power beyond that. Maybe he's cursed.
Also, how does that have anything to do with confidence?
“The brooms in Quidditch would later be replaced with flying buses, making the game far more interesting to watch. After all, watching a bus try to catch the snitch is rather comical.”
That's what I've been saying for years!
“Dash pulled hard. There was a loud tearing sound and Scootaloo’s bathing suit was ripped off her body and destroyed.
“What the fuck?” Dash screamed. She looked down where the candy vag should be. She couldn’t believe it. There were two little pink balls, and a little penile sheath.”
edited 4th Jun '12 11:08:15 PM by Malph
“We’re not quite sure how Sherlock manages to fellate that thing, but he somehow manages (probably with That Thing He Does With His Tongue™ which makes John scream, which sounds like he tied John’s dick into a knot with his tongue) to get a metric whale-ton of John’s hot salty cum from that giant fire hose. And then he asks for a condom, which renders the entire operation moot because firstly, there are no five-metre-long condoms. Yet'
Oh where to start...
“Well you see Edward I think that the venom figures out whether the person is a top or a bottom and it makes the tops dick bigger and the bottoms ass bigger, either way its cool right.”
Oh Twilight...
“Honestly Fluttershy, I know my butt has been growing a lot lately, but you should feel honored to be my cushion today. Not everyone gets to be this up close and personal with me, you know.” Rarity talked down to Fluttershy, as if her conceited ego was supposed to comfort the fact that she had a face full of Rarity’s bum. Fluttershy dared to respond underneath Rarity’s ass, but as her muffled words were the same as silence, her will faltered. She could only whimper and squeak some more underneath Rarity.
What the fuck brony bretheren?
I'm having to learn to pay the pricefacesitting ponies. No wonder FE wanted all the recommendations for clop fics off this site.
No context is always good:
edited 5th Jun '12 4:08:30 AM by TheOneWhoTropes
Keeper of The Celestial FlameThey are now. 5P went through and removed all the crap, back when they were first created.
Keeper of The Celestial FlameIs that from a lemon from the guy that writes pron for the Progressive ad chick? Sigh.. you know what, I don't even wanna know. >.<
Yanno, nothing distracts more from a piece of alleged erotica than crude descriptions of body parts/functions. Like, try not being shy one sentence and PG-13+ in the next, maybe. You know what you're writing; why pussyfoot around? Or maybe they're the kinds of writers that want a "fuck me gently" kind of sentiment?
Do not obey in advance.
It's from a Sherlock fanfiction, apparently. Knew it would get people talking.
Have we had the "900 millimetre penis is small" fanfic yet?
900 millimetres is 34.5 inches.
edited 8th Jun '12 9:52:27 AM by TheOneWhoTropes
Keeper of The Celestial Flame![]()
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I know.
Many Fanfic writers don't realize women (and men. And many animals. And plants, fungi, bacteria, archaea,...) would probably flee in terror at the sight of a 3 foot long penis.
I think the tendency of male writers to give their characters horrifically large penises is because they themselves are insecure about the sizes of their own and are trying to overcompensate through a fictional character. They're essentially stuffing a sausage in their pants, without actually sticking meat products in their pants.
As for female writers who do it? Penis envy. (Hey, this is Freud Mode, what did you expect?)
edited 8th Jun '12 11:03:50 AM by Malph
At least the male writers who do that have the excuse of some confused, twisted sense of machismo about having a dong as long as their arm. The female writers...I mean, they have to be doing that as a joke. I can't see a girl poke around down there and think "man, I wish I could stuff a fencepost in that up to my lungs."
It took me a few seconds to realize that they were probably talking about beer. Also, Script Fic is verboten on FF.net. It's like the author didn't care at all!
Although that's not sexactly script fic, it's still Not How You Are Supposed To Write Fan Fiction.
edited 9th Jun '12 2:55:59 PM by BearyScary
Do not obey in advance.The last time I was at Fan Fiction Dot Net, nobody really cared if you were writing a script fic.
yeah, screw Critics United.
Malph: From the context I think he got millimetres and micrometres confused.
edited 9th Jun '12 3:53:00 PM by TheOneWhoTropes
Keeper of The Celestial Flame“germany jumped up from his chair and shouted “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” he reached in2 his pants and pulled out teh machine gun he always kept lodged up in his buttocks in case he ever needed a machine gun.”
“‘Zillyhoo! Zilly-you!’ said Germania.
‘What,’ said John. And they did not bone because John is not a homosexual.”
“I realized what I was smelling. It was the sweetest, most succulent of all substances, menstrual blood. I couldn’t help myself so I stuck my tongue deeper into her center, trying to suck the blood out. It oozed, a mixture of blood and juices. I got frustrated at it’s slow trickle, and before I knew it, I had bitten off her labia minoras. She screaming in pain, trying to push me off, but it was of no use. I was too strong.”
“Ok that was it Jake yanked their boxers down ad ground into Freddie sucking his and tweaking his nipples getting restrained sexy sounds from his uke which he wanted un- restrained.
After leaving his mark his lips met plump ones and he ravished them until they were woollen and slightly bruised. He then traced down Freddie’s torso with his tongue licked Freddie’s 10 ½ inch dicks”
“The Princess’s nude figure, Mario decided, was beautiful - curvy, flawless skin, and a small patch of heart-shaped Peach fuzz above the Warp Pipe to world 6-9, a level promising unmatched pleasure.”
...
...
Their obsessive rule following is just cementing my move to Ao3 and my ignoring of ff.net. I found the rule dumb even if I don't write the things. The no chat thing bugs me moreso because it plays a part in certain things I am writing.
That and I always have fucking issues with the interface and editing my stuff on the site. Ff.net is shit and most of what it has is shit. It's so called quality control methods do little.
Oh well,
If someone wants to accuse us of eating coconut shells, then that's their business. We know what we're doing. - Achaan Chah“Oh, that fun. It was like one of those Pokemon games Kiku happened to be so fond of. America’s argument was his evolution. And when Ivan didn’t want him to argue/evolve, he’d just click ‘B’…Which was conveniently placed inside his ass and called a “prostate”.
This is the weirdest sex metaphor I have ever come across so far.
“The yells from downstairs could be heard through the bedroom door I leaned against while tears poured down my pale cheeks.”
Why do I get the feeling this fic takes itself way to seriously?
“Spike hissed in that way that bad guys do when they are hurt, not physically, but in some other, less apparent way. In Spike’s case, his feelings were hurt. Boymony felt intense guilt at that, and almost without meaning to, but really meaning to, he gave Spike a big manly hug. Spike returned the hug, their massive vampire strength crushing each other’s internal vampire organs, but then their vampire healing repaired their broken bones.
Before the hug could deepen into a stronger hug, Spike threw Boymony off of himself, crushing a person to death.”
Holy kumquat, tone this shit down.
“Harry, stumbling, looked under the bus. The sight was unbelievable- Voldemort was crushed under one of the front wheels.
‘Congratulations.’ Harry said a little shocked.
‘Pardon?’
‘You just defeated Voldemort.’”
“At the feeling of his lovers worm sperm spilling out onto his hand, Ike also went over the edge.”
Bwah!?
“Unsure of why he was doing so, Tom bit down -in similar fashion- into Harry’s collarbone with his vampire like fangs. Tom was part vampire due to his “muggle” father Tom Riddle Senior. The bites caused the soul bonds to rehydrate themselves after years of magical dehydration. It was true that Tom and Harry were soul mates.”
Bluh?
“And then it got even weirder, with the bear putting on an artfully-ripped red leather jacket, turning into a werewolf, and then making out with her on Jack’s desk while a bunch of inmates in orange jumpsuits moonwalked around the office and Michael Jackson serenaded them from a passing helicopter.”
And talking about Thirty Hs....
“Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn’t really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading.”
The Classics never get old.
edited 10th Jun '12 1:08:17 AM by PippingFool
I'm having to learn to pay the price

You are one badass mother fucker.
That sounds like as good a start as any.
EDIT: Okay, I had to read through that one, and I think my brain turned off five lines in as a defense mechanism.
edited 4th Jun '12 6:30:44 PM by Pykrete