aw man i posted this too late
Got outed as a dirty atheist.
This little old lady started talking to us for about ten minutes about the entire history of Germany and the Hungarian Empire after we were closed and trying to get people to leave, as little old ladies are wont to do. We finally get her to leave, and I casually mention "hey, at least it's not as bad as that time I got Jesus'd at for fifteen minutes in the middle of a dinner rush". I tell the story, which is about what it sounds like, we laugh about it, and then Coworker asks, "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" I say my default response (you have to have one if you live in the Bible Belt and aren't Protestant) "No, but I don't really think it should matter as long as whatever you believe or don't believe motivates you to make the world a better place".
Which was the exact wrong thing to say to him. He's one of those. You know, the ones where Jesus's entire message of loving thy neighbour and giving to the poor and honouring your parents and being a good person is actually not that important, and even if you do all those things you'll still go to Hell because all of that means nothing if you don't accept Jesus Christ as your personal saviour, and even if you do none of the things that Jesus tells you are super important to do in order to be a good Christian, you'll still go to Heaven as long as you believe Christ is God because fuck all that shit Jesus said about peace towards all mankind.
One of those. The exact sort of people that made my mother convert to Judaism long before she even met my father.
Detective J also made a similar mistake and said, "Hey, me neither." So now we both had targets on our heads.
I'm content to nod and smile for the next half hour or so as he vehemently tells me over and over and over and over that if I were to die right now I would go to Hell, and that Jesus sent him to tell me that, because it was funny to listen to. There was a bit about how I was actually a really unhappy person, and probably had a lot of nightmares, which were demons that were trying to claim my soul, and how I was actually a really angry, unhappy person, and what bad dream did you have last night? I told him how I had a weird dream about Sonic and Shadow fighting a dragon but then Sega cancelled the game after firing Guillermo del Toro, which sucked because it looked really good. I don't think it was quite what he was expecting. Also believe it or not but in meatspace I'm one of those people that is basically never angry at anything ever, so Detective J was laughing her ass off in the background as he told me how dark and damaged my soul was.
Then he asked me how planets were made, and I started to explain to him about how gravity slowly draws together stellar debris, and he cuts me off and asks me whether I'm an atheist or worship "The Church of Science". I try to tell him, "Religion and science aren't mutually exclusive because science is just a way of looking at the world around us and trying to understand it in our own terms," and he immediately cuts me off and says, "Yes they are. You can worship God, or you can worship the Church of Science, but if you worship Science you're gonna burn in Hell. Y'know, if you're wrong and you were to die right now, and Jesus was standing over you telling you you're gonna go to Hell, what would you say to him?"
At this point I have decided he can fuck right off because fuck that noise. I tell him that if Jesus is someone that would send perfectly good people to burn for eternity, then I would gladly go to Hell. Detective J says that she'd go with me, and we declare ourselves "Hell Buddies", and that we were gonna have ourselves a great party with our homie Satan and we would have video games and rock music and The Gays, and at least all my friends would be there. Detective J also mentions so would her husband because he doesn't believe in God either.
A bit much, perhaps, but nobody but fucking nobody plays the "science is the devil's knowledge" around me.
(I also said you guys would probably be in Hell with me because Tats is a bisexual furry and Imca is a foul lesbian transhumanist temptress and most of you are Catholic, which according to him aren't real Christians and are gonna burn as well.)
"But what if you died right —"
"If I died right now, I would like to be buried face down so Jesus can kiss my ass before I jump headfirst into my sin pit."
So for the rest of the night, three things kept happening:
- He kept trying to herd Detective J away from me, muttering to her in the corners. I'm not sure what he kept trying to tell her but judging from her face throughout most of it it was probably hilarious and slightly offensive. I need to remember to ask her. (Maybe asking her if she was planning on getting her baby aborted and to think of the baby and get it baptised? She's pregnant so that may have been it.) ((Baptised just autocorrected into "braised" which is just the best fucking thing ever.))
- Every single conversation topic got passive-aggressively rerouted to Jesus. Panini press got fixed? "Praise the Lord." Shadow the Hedgehog being an attempt to cash in on GTA's whole "violence and angst sells" thing? "You're negative and brooding a lot like Shadow, aren't you?" Candirus swimming up your piss stream and lodging themselves in your urethra? (I talk about parasites a lot at work because parasites are cool.) "Satan reaching you through sin and lodging in your brain and controlling your body." I tried to explain to him that people are not urethras. I don't think it worked.
- Every single time I opened my mouth, he started ignoring what I was saying and muttered the Lord's Prayer aggressively under his breath.
That was last Tuesday. I worked with Detective J yesterday, and she said that Coworker had been on her shift in the morning and had warned her that I was demonic. She laughed at him, but then he said "You think I'm joking, don't you? I'm not. She's demonic and dark, and she's going to Hell. You secretly have God in your heart, I think. It's too late for her, the demons are coming up through her." Then he spent the rest of his shift trying to convince her to go to church with him.
I work with him again on Tuesday. We'll see how it goes then. I've compiled my after-work Halloween playlist, but I don't think he'll appreciate it much.
edited 4th Oct '15 9:23:05 PM by WonderSquid
Let him talk to me, the gay-loving, god-questioning, bible-criticising, universe-pondering Catholic.
Break his brain.
What if there’s no better word than just not saying anything?@Napkins: He's black too so I dunno. Also yes please.
@Ram: What he's doing is technically illegal and could cost him his job if I reported it, but as long as his bullshit doesn't actually effect my ability to close in a timely manner it's not worth it. We'll see how it goes.
@Hil: It helps that I find this shit funny. I think everything's funny.
At this point Detective J and I have decided there's no brokering peace so we're just gonna have fun with it. I've composed a playlist that's mostly Marylin Manson and also Halloween-related songs. We've considered coming up with "demonic" nicknames for each other since he clearly thinks that's what we're doing anyway. Maybe I'll check out The Lesser Key of Solomon from the library and leave it next to my bag for him to stumble across. I already casually make "sacrifice goats to Baphomet" jokes as it is so sooner or later one's gonna slip out and he'll shit a brick.
edited 4th Oct '15 9:06:58 PM by WonderSquid
He's already going around telling people I'm full of demons and is very forward about the fact that we're going to burn in Hell for eternity (even though I also pointed out that the whole "circles" thing isn't in the Bible and is just Dante's Inferno). I'd be surprised if HR didn't know about it by now.

Pyro is it normal for all kamen riders to have job problems?
LOVE IS STORED IN THE AXOLOTL!