I'm going to post this and then immediately go to bed. Probably the only way I'll manage to ever post this. Not because I'm upset right now; I'm not upset in any way, shape, or form. But because I think I still need to get all of this off my chest, and before I sleep is a good time to do it.
I've probably waited too long to do this, anyway.
I have felt rather apprehensive to post lately for a number of reasons, some of which will be explained later. The first one I'd like to explain is that I feel very, very locked out. There is a lot of stuff going on right now, and I am completely unable to participate because I am only rarely involved in anything not related to my own things. It feels rather like being shunted to the sidelines. I imagine the response to this is "but Ram, just involve yourself. It's really not very difficult." And that, in fact, is the main problem I've got right now. It's not because I am lazy.
I am not a person who starts things. I post something and then sit back and hope someone is kind enough to respond to it. And that's pretty suckish, to be honest. And the solution is obvious, isn't it? Just approach other people and start your own interaction. But I don't do that, and it does get me admonished. I've got an aversion to starting things, and there is a very definite reason for it. Two, in fact. The first is significantly harder to explain because it requires a good amount of tact to put it correctly. I'll do my best to not be too blunt about it. I have, in the past, been rather doggedly pursued by some people for interaction. And I did not want to interact with them because I just didn't find it to be all that enjoyable. But I still sucked it up and interacted with them. But then it kept happening and each time, it made me feel backed into a corner and imposed upon. It sapped my will to post. And I really, really don't want to end up inflicting that on someone else. This leads to the second reason: the only rational explanation for someone feeling imposed upon by me is if they disliked me or my writing. And I do feel disliked.
That's got a whole ton of stuff behind it. From being called "ridiculous," lazy, and vindictive when I am obviously distraught and trying to explain myself, to just straight up being passed over and forgotten.
I can anticipate the response to this. "But Ram, we like you!" And yeah, that's probably true for most of you. But I've got this horrible, nagging feeling that I am disliked in a big way. And if one of you does, I'd really like to know, just so I can know whether or not I'm paranoid. Silence is the most damning thing I think I can get for that kind of question, assuming the answer is what I think it is.
That was horrendously ramble-y and I left a lot of things out, but I think I've said enough to get my point across. I've got some problems, and I've got no idea how to fix them. If I did, I probably would have already done it.
Blurgh. Good night. I don't even want to know how many grammar errors I made. I ain't checking.
Ramuf and I have discussed this over pm, and I really don't want people to brush this off. Seriously reflect on yourselves as Ram has himself and we can work this out with a bit of finality.
What if there’s no better word than just not saying anything?I am aware of what the something is and was going to bring it up soon (and I'll do that later when I'm more awake), but for now, I want to state for the record that none of us dislike you. Okay? You should not be taking this stuff so personally. Just because your character is not being interacted with does not mean we don't like you.

night box
actually, i think i might go to bed soon as well