don't worry about the grammar
. I am visual art artist mainly. Nex time I am going to study grammar and ask for help. I would like mainly a critique on the plot if you don't mind
. I want to improve for next time the plot quality (the most) But I am aware that my grammar is .... very bad.I will fix that.
Just want to clarify that the last part wasn't a Deus ex Machina (her mother said that the moment she gets rid of her pain she would het her powers back and she did heal her pain.).But I explained it poorly so you were right at considering it as a Deus ex Machina (my fault) :/
I do have gmail btw!
edited 20th Oct '11 10:10:01 PM by FallenLegend
Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.As predicted, did not do well in this one. Ah well. At least things will work better when I turn my entry into a proper Na No Wri Mo thing.
"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada![]()
me too" But the world count didn't allow it :/. Still I liked your honest review of my work
can't wait for the detailed critique.
Your story is good it just need more words to truly shine. Namo will help you alot I am certain :)
edited 20th Oct '11 10:12:01 PM by FallenLegend
Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.Because 5,000 words just isn't enough to properly develop fifteen characters.
Although I think my entry this contest is kind of hilarious in how it contrasts to my entry the last contest I did, this one being a fluffy feel-goody fairy-tale and the last one being a horrific-to-the-point-of-being-grotesque nightmare Body Horror story.
"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada![]()
Yeah. Now I know why you put fifteen characters into a short story. People had an issue with Entry Two last time because of too many characters. Even though I loved it, I also thought those characters were undeveloped. I think that next time, Save all the characters for the novel, and stick with my suggested five, or even three.
But stick with the idea. More scenes and more developed plot lines will strengthen it.
Oh, and feo, I read that spoiler post you put up earlier. You no longer have to be afraid.
edited 20th Oct '11 10:21:20 PM by chihuahua0
Just wanted to say, Jeweled: Ella did have OCD, induced by years of being abused while cleaning. The whole idea was that no one could be forced to clean incessantly while being abused and not come away unscathed. Hence, why the dirt and stains have her stepmother's voice. Lowercase father/mother indicates a lack of respect.
edited 20th Oct '11 11:27:52 PM by deathjavu
Look, you can't make me speak in a logical, coherent, intelligent bananna....Kino has not judged yet.
I think we're supposed to remain anonymous.
Whatcha gonna do, little buckaroo? | i be pimpin' madoka ficsEh—
Uh, asking again, because I really want those critiques, but I'm probably being a bit intrusive, sorry about that—
Do you have those annotated docs again? It's cool if you don't/are uncomfortable handing them out.
Whatcha gonna do, little buckaroo? | i be pimpin' madoka ficsHa. The Na No idea has a completely different plot. This is just one I threw together. I've had these characters for a while and have been trying to make their "home."
The actual Na No novel will be about the brothers attempting to fix the relationship between two countries, which their parents screwed up back in the day by being young and stupid. It still does have some we're-being-driven-apart aspects, though...
"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~MadrugadaI'd love to have more detailed critiques, since they've been offered.
Can't quite figure out how I lost points for convention in Chi's scoring, unless those are my "over the word limit" points.
Or maybe it was the bloody tenses.
Look, you can't make me speak in a logical, coherent, intelligent bananna.
One was for the "father and step-mother" parts, which I preceived as a grammar error. Another one was for general clarity problems induced by the writing style. It's a minor version of how I scored Entry Two last time, which also had problems with clarity and voice. I didn't know if to subtract that from Overall or Conventions, so I chose the latter.
@Kino: How it's going with the scoring.
Also, I can't garentee the detailed critiques, but I'll try to get to them somewhere in the month of November.
edited 21st Oct '11 7:38:07 AM by chihuahua0
Would either Chihuahua or Jewelleddragon be willing to link the stories? I'm curious about some of them.
I was completely wrong about which description matched my story. (Which kind of makes me wonder who could have written a story that fit the description I guessed better than my story fit it.) I'm doing better than I expected, though, and what criticisms have been made are things I think I know how to fix if I ever use this story for anything else.
There was another thing that surprised me. There was one thing I left intentionally vague in my story, as a sort of inkblot test (don't read this spoiler if you're interested in reading my story.) I never indicated genders for three of the characters. In early drafts, this was somewhat difficult for me—in particular, I kept accidentally using feminine pronouns for the character I eventually made the narrator. Chihuahua, however, referred to the narrator with a masculine pronoun.) I'm curious what Kino will make of that, if anything (and of course, if anyone else reads my story, I'm curious whether you'll notice it.)
edited 21st Oct '11 4:49:29 PM by feotakahari
That's Feo . . . He's a disgusting, mysoginistic, paedophilic asshat who moonlights as a shitty writer—Something AwfulSure. Should we PM Kino or something?
Entry One: http://freetexthost.com/qw3fck0xc0
This one requires a password: blackFORESTmachineGUN
Entry Two: http://freetexthost.com/ksud1o62az
Entry Three: http://freetexthost.com/55joemq16i
Entry Four: http://freetexthost.com/20ggnutrkq
Entry Five: http://freetexthost.com/x1i34giaye
Entry Six: http://freetexthost.com/qj2malekxd
Entry Seven: http://freetexthost.com/0yhgzodrmc
Entry Eight: http://freetexthost.com/kihawwklym
Entry Nine: http://freetexthost.com/52cicj1yiu
Entry Ten: http://freetexthost.com/5vvlfcii1p
Entry Eleven: http://freetexthost.com/ylimu6gpgt
Entry Twelve: http://freetexthost.com/udm6sodkzt
Entry Thirteen: http://freetexthost.com/ze1iqfvc5i
For the benefit of all contestants (myself included), I'd like to make a couple of points.
Judging is subjective, just as writing is. Up to a point there are objective standards, i.e. spelling, but beyond that there are only guidelines and instinct. You may violate a guideline for aesthetic purposes. One judge may ding you for it, while another will applaud your ingenuity. Neither is right. Neither is wrong.
You may want to explain a certain point that a particular judge overlooked or misinterpreted. Resist the temptation. If the point wasn't obvious, the blame is mainly yours.
Under World. It rocks!
Wise words. In long jump, it's easy to see who is the best, but judging writing and other art will always be a subjective affair.

I'll try focusing on the plot, along with the grammar. Maybe a second read will give me more insight to it.
But I will be off. Good night, contestants. I will see your reactions in the morning.
edited 20th Oct '11 9:55:02 PM by chihuahua0