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chihuahua0 Since: Jul, 2010
#401: Oct 20th 2011 at 9:54:45 PM

[up][up] All right. Do you have a G-mail so I can show it to you privately?

I'll try focusing on the plot, along with the grammar. Maybe a second read will give me more insight to it.

But I will be off. Good night, contestants. I will see your reactions in the morning.

edited 20th Oct '11 9:55:02 PM by chihuahua0

FallenLegend Trickster. from Navel Of The Moon. Since: Oct, 2010
Trickster.
#402: Oct 20th 2011 at 9:59:58 PM

[up]don't worry about the grammar tongue. I am visual art artist mainly. Nex time I am going to study grammar and ask for help. I would like mainly a critique on the plot if you don't mind grin. I want to improve for next time the plot quality (the most) But I am aware that my grammar is .... very bad.I will fix that.

Just want to clarify that the last part wasn't a Deus ex Machina (her mother said that the moment she gets rid of her pain she would het her powers back and she did heal her pain.).But I explained it poorly so you were right at considering it as a Deus ex Machina (my fault) :/

I do have gmail btw!

edited 20th Oct '11 10:10:01 PM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
chihuahua0 Since: Jul, 2010
#403: Oct 20th 2011 at 10:06:43 PM

[up] Oh, that's why I considered it a DEM. I missed that piece of information.

I was wishing for the protagonist to at least face her mother again, though...

FreezairForALimitedTime Responsible adult from Planet Claire Since: Jan, 2001
Responsible adult
#404: Oct 20th 2011 at 10:07:15 PM

As predicted, did not do well in this one. Ah well. At least things will work better when I turn my entry into a proper Na No Wri Mo thing.

"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada
FallenLegend Trickster. from Navel Of The Moon. Since: Oct, 2010
Trickster.
#405: Oct 20th 2011 at 10:10:55 PM

[up][up]me too" But the world count didn't allow it :/. Still I liked your honest review of my work grin can't wait for the detailed critique.

[up]Your story is good it just need more words to truly shine. Namo will help you alot I am certain :)

edited 20th Oct '11 10:12:01 PM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
FreezairForALimitedTime Responsible adult from Planet Claire Since: Jan, 2001
Responsible adult
#406: Oct 20th 2011 at 10:13:51 PM

Because 5,000 words just isn't enough to properly develop fifteen characters.

Although I think my entry this contest is kind of hilarious in how it contrasts to my entry the last contest I did, this one being a fluffy feel-goody fairy-tale and the last one being a horrific-to-the-point-of-being-grotesque nightmare Body Horror story.

"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada
FallenLegend Trickster. from Navel Of The Moon. Since: Oct, 2010
Trickster.
#407: Oct 20th 2011 at 10:16:56 PM

definitively I see a lot of potential on it. After Namo I would love to read it complete

edited 20th Oct '11 10:17:17 PM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
chihuahua0 Since: Jul, 2010
#408: Oct 20th 2011 at 10:19:12 PM

[up][up] Yeah. Now I know why you put fifteen characters into a short story. People had an issue with Entry Two last time because of too many characters. Even though I loved it, I also thought those characters were undeveloped. I think that next time, Save all the characters for the novel, and stick with my suggested five, or even three.

But stick with the idea. More scenes and more developed plot lines will strengthen it.

Oh, and feo, I read that spoiler post you put up earlier. You no longer have to be afraid.

edited 20th Oct '11 10:21:20 PM by chihuahua0

deathjavu This foreboding is fa... from The internet, obviously Since: Feb, 2010
This foreboding is fa...
#409: Oct 20th 2011 at 10:40:18 PM

Just wanted to say, Jeweled: Ella did have OCD, induced by years of being abused while cleaning. The whole idea was that no one could be forced to clean incessantly while being abused and not come away unscathed. Hence, why the dirt and stains have her stepmother's voice. Lowercase father/mother indicates a lack of respect.

edited 20th Oct '11 11:27:52 PM by deathjavu

Look, you can't make me speak in a logical, coherent, intelligent bananna.
Chubert highly secure from California Since: Jan, 2010
highly secure
#410: Oct 20th 2011 at 10:43:33 PM

...Kino has not judged yet.

I think we're supposed to remain anonymous.

Whatcha gonna do, little buckaroo? | i be pimpin' madoka fics
jewelleddragon Also known as Katz from Pasadena, CA Since: Apr, 2009
Also known as Katz
#411: Oct 20th 2011 at 10:48:31 PM

I see I got ninja'd, but there's still one judge outstanding, so let's try not to blurt out whose entries were whose too loudly, OK?

I see Chihuahua and I are going to need to have a cage match over 6, 7, and 9. (My scores do have a bigger spread, but only because I was really picky about themes.)

Chubert highly secure from California Since: Jan, 2010
highly secure
#412: Oct 20th 2011 at 10:53:03 PM

Eh—

Uh, asking again, because I really want those critiques, but I'm probably being a bit intrusive, sorry about that—

Do you have those annotated docs again? It's cool if you don't/are uncomfortable handing them out.

Whatcha gonna do, little buckaroo? | i be pimpin' madoka fics
jewelleddragon Also known as Katz from Pasadena, CA Since: Apr, 2009
Also known as Katz
#413: Oct 20th 2011 at 11:00:06 PM

[up]I didn't make them yet because there were a lot of entries; I'll make them and send them to people who are interested. After the Big Reveal, though.

FreezairForALimitedTime Responsible adult from Planet Claire Since: Jan, 2001
Responsible adult
#414: Oct 20th 2011 at 11:00:51 PM

Ha. The Na No idea has a completely different plot. This is just one I threw together. I've had these characters for a while and have been trying to make their "home."

The actual Na No novel will be about the brothers attempting to fix the relationship between two countries, which their parents screwed up back in the day by being young and stupid. It still does have some we're-being-driven-apart aspects, though...

"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada
deathjavu This foreboding is fa... from The internet, obviously Since: Feb, 2010
This foreboding is fa...
#415: Oct 21st 2011 at 2:01:00 AM

I'd love to have more detailed critiques, since they've been offered.

Can't quite figure out how I lost points for convention in Chi's scoring, unless those are my "over the word limit" points.

Or maybe it was the bloody tenses.

Look, you can't make me speak in a logical, coherent, intelligent bananna.
chihuahua0 Since: Jul, 2010
#416: Oct 21st 2011 at 7:35:47 AM

[up] One was for the "father and step-mother" parts, which I preceived as a grammar error. Another one was for general clarity problems induced by the writing style. It's a minor version of how I scored Entry Two last time, which also had problems with clarity and voice. I didn't know if to subtract that from Overall or Conventions, so I chose the latter.

@Kino: How it's going with the scoring.

Also, I can't garentee the detailed critiques, but I'll try to get to them somewhere in the month of November.

edited 21st Oct '11 7:38:07 AM by chihuahua0

Dealan Since: Feb, 2010
#417: Oct 21st 2011 at 7:42:03 AM

I also request detailed critiques from everyone who offers them.

Also, while I can't prove it, I was totally right about which one of chih's discreptions was my story.

feotakahari Fuzzy Orange Doomsayer from Looking out at the city Since: Sep, 2009
Fuzzy Orange Doomsayer
#418: Oct 21st 2011 at 4:47:46 PM

Would either Chihuahua or Jewelleddragon be willing to link the stories? I'm curious about some of them.

I was completely wrong about which description matched my story. (Which kind of makes me wonder who could have written a story that fit the description I guessed better than my story fit it.) I'm doing better than I expected, though, and what criticisms have been made are things I think I know how to fix if I ever use this story for anything else.

There was another thing that surprised me. There was one thing I left intentionally vague in my story, as a sort of inkblot test (don't read this spoiler if you're interested in reading my story.) I never indicated genders for three of the characters. In early drafts, this was somewhat difficult for me—in particular, I kept accidentally using feminine pronouns for the character I eventually made the narrator. Chihuahua, however, referred to the narrator with a masculine pronoun.) I'm curious what Kino will make of that, if anything (and of course, if anyone else reads my story, I'm curious whether you'll notice it.)

edited 21st Oct '11 4:49:29 PM by feotakahari

That's Feo . . . He's a disgusting, mysoginistic, paedophilic asshat who moonlights as a shitty writer—Something Awful
jewelleddragon Also known as Katz from Pasadena, CA Since: Apr, 2009
chihuahua0 Since: Jul, 2010
#420: Oct 21st 2011 at 7:47:42 PM

[up][up] I only referred to the narrator as male because that is the default pronoun. You managed to avoid the whole pronoun problem, because I didn't notice anything amiss.

[up] Yes, we should PM Kino.

jewelleddragon Also known as Katz from Pasadena, CA Since: Apr, 2009
DoktorvonEurotrash Lex et Veritas from Not a place of honour (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#422: Oct 22nd 2011 at 3:17:15 AM

I have a comment on one of the technical issues one judge had with my entry, but I don't know if it's acceptable for me to post it here, since it would blow my anonymity.

Thanks for linking the stories! I'm curious about quite a few of them.

edited 22nd Oct '11 3:18:16 AM by DoktorvonEurotrash

RalphCrown Short Hair from Next Door to Nowhere Since: Oct, 2010
Short Hair
#423: Oct 22nd 2011 at 10:34:30 AM

For the benefit of all contestants (myself included), I'd like to make a couple of points.

Judging is subjective, just as writing is. Up to a point there are objective standards, i.e. spelling, but beyond that there are only guidelines and instinct. You may violate a guideline for aesthetic purposes. One judge may ding you for it, while another will applaud your ingenuity. Neither is right. Neither is wrong.

You may want to explain a certain point that a particular judge overlooked or misinterpreted. Resist the temptation. If the point wasn't obvious, the blame is mainly yours.

Under World. It rocks!
DoktorvonEurotrash Lex et Veritas from Not a place of honour (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#424: Oct 22nd 2011 at 4:46:35 PM

[up]Wise words. In long jump, it's easy to see who is the best, but judging writing and other art will always be a subjective affair.

jewelleddragon Also known as Katz from Pasadena, CA Since: Apr, 2009
Also known as Katz
#425: Oct 23rd 2011 at 10:55:45 AM

Kino is officially almost 12 hours late.


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