Kegisak: Yea, I think pulling Iron down or even letting him just plummet to the ground on his own would be preferable.
It came off as a pretty ferocious street brawl, so I'd say it was pretty intense. I can't make the same comparison as your reviewer, though.
FE: New Mystery Only Feet 7PM PT Sun, Mon, Fri; Umamusume Haru Arima 7PM PT Wed, Thurs: http://www.twitch.tv/kuroitsubasatenshiSo, I've done some work on Chapter Three which should move things along quite nicely. If I'm doing this right, this should be the last "introduction" chapter before I can really kick off my plans for a plot. So, here's a snippet that introduces Pinkie Pie to Blank Slate, and I'm a little worried about if I'm writing her right.
“Yep!” Twilight answered. “It’s actually the town’s library, but I became the librarian full time one I moved here permanently. Now let’s head on in and... Uh-oh.” Twilight froze, staring at the house in front of her.
“What is it?”
“The lights are off.”
“So? You’ve been gone for a day, they should be off to begin with.” Applejack said, just as confused as Blank as to what the problem was.
“But Spike should be here, as well as anypony who got here ahead of time for our planned meeting. If the light’s are off, that can only mean one thing. There’s a-”
“SURPRISE!”
A pink pony jumped from a nearby bush, nearly scaring the trio half to death. A moment later the door to the library burst open, revealing a sizable crowd of ponies with streamers and confetti blowing every which way and a large banner hanging just inside the door reading “WELCOME HOME TWILIGHT!” in big block letters.
“Ok, so I know I promised you a party as soon as you walked in your door, but you were going to ruin the surprise for the new pony you brought with you, and I never let my surprises be ruined if I can help it. You were surprised, weren’t ya? Weren’t ya?” The pony bounced around in front of Blank as she said the last part, moving in a way he wasn’t sure was even possible for a pony to move in. All he could do was nod slowly as the mare’s verbal onslaught continued. “Great! I’m Pinkie Pie! If there’s a pony in Ponyville partial to a party, I’ll put together a party far past the public’s predictions! What’s your name!”
“Uh... I’m Blank Slate, nice to meet-”
“Blank Slate, huh? Since you’re new here, you need to make some friends, and I know everypony in Ponyville, so I can set you up! Come on!” Before either Blank or Twilight could protest, Blank found himself being dragged inside the building by the hyperactive earth pony.
HELP. ME. He mouthed his plea to Twilight as Pinkie dragged him inside. Twilight responded with a look that conveyed the utmost sympathy for his situation, but she was helpless against the force of Pinkie’s invitation.
Overall, I think the worst bit there is the alliteration when Pinkie introduces herself, and I'm pretty close to cutting it. It's probably too forced, but it seemed like something silly she would try to do. Any thoughts?
edited 1st Jan '12 12:39:05 AM by PerpetualLurker
Got about 3.5k words of Chapter 5 written for Gryphon - it's a pretty intense couple of scenes so far. Anyone mind taking a look for me, for flow and impact?
It's been fun.![]()
Please add an everyone-can-comment option next time. That'd make things much easier.
Anyway:
"After a long, unsuccessful five minutes, Gilda groaned and rolled out of bed. It wasn’t dark enough that her eyes needed to adjust – they were used to mountain dark, which made bedroom dark look like a wimp "
If Gilda is already asleep in bed, in the darkness, her eyes shouldn't need to adjust at all, regardless of whether she's known a darker darkness before (not like that should even matter). Eyes adjusting has to do with relative levels of light. If it's already dark and you are somewhere else equally dark, your eyes don't need to adjust to it. You only need to adjust when going from light to dark or dark to light.
"“I’m not a loser,” the sky-blue pegasus replied defensively, frowning, then she looked abashed. "
This sentence strikes me as having far too many Said Bookisms and descriptive actions in it. Consider removing a Said Bookism or two, and splitting it into two sentences.
"“Wait!” Dash said hurriedly, coming perilously close to normal speaking volume. "
Huh? They were whispering the whole time? I'd add something that indicates that they're talking in quiet voices or something, so that the reader isn't blindsided by this revelation.
"“What is your problem?” Gilda whispered harshly, belatedly pushing Dash away from her. "
The Said Bookism in this sentence is really unnecessary. It's obvious that Gilda is being harsh here. Her words make that clear, plus the fact that she puts emphasis on the word "problem" and she also pushes Dash away.
"She grinned, her eyes – magenta? That’s interesting, Gilda found herself thinking – flashing with mischief. "
The interjection in the middle of this sentence is a little confusing. Plus, Gilda's never noticed what colour Dash's eyes were before?
Also, it's dark; cone cells need bright light to function properly, so Gilda shouldn't even be able to see colours very well in the dim light anyway*.
If the bit about Dash's eyes is important, you might want to talk about them after the sentence rather than during, since it's a little disruptive where it is.
"Gilda stared at her. “What’s wrong with you?” she asked disbelievingly. “Six hours ago we spent like five minutes beating the crap out of each other! And now you want to be my partner?”"
Also more stating the obvious with the "disbelievingly" here.
"“We can figure out who’s whose partner later,” Dash said dismissively, waving a hoof. She held it out with a small wince. “So?”"
You're missing a paragraph break between this line and the previous one.
"Stardust raised a dark purple eyebrow, then sighed, smiling. “Well, I’m glad you’ve worked it out,” she said. “You two are practically made to be friends, after all. I’ve never met a more similar pair.” She turned away down the hall to her room."
Combine that bit with the next paragraph.
"I mean really met Dash, not just beat the shit out of her."
Comma after "mean" I think?
"Gilda shot to her feet as the little yellow pegasus yawned, beak working as she ran through several things to say at once. "
I'd just like to point out that the clause at the end of the sentence is technically ambiguous. I mean, obviously Fluttershy doesn't have a beak, but you might want to fix the sentence structure a bit anyway.
"“I’m awake now,” Fluttershy confirmed, somewhat sleepily."
That's the second time Fluttershy's actions are described as sleepily in four sentences. To avoid redundancy, consider using a synonym for one, or better yet, removing the last use completely.
"“Don’t try to move your leg,” Gilda said quickly, standing up and reaching out to Fluttershy’s leg."
Maybe use "it" instead of "Fluttershy's leg" at the end of the sentence?
"“Fluuuuuttershyyyy!” There came a high-pitched, Apple-accented wail from the hallway, and Gilda stepped quickly out of the way as Applebloom barreled into the room and straight to Fluttershy’s bedside."
New paragraph for this.
"her mane was shorn, leaving what hair she had to stand up straight like a brush."
The last bit of this sentence is constructed a little awkwardly. Maybe "leaving her hair standing straight up like a brush." would work better instead?
Also, it's not technically wrong, but I don't think Zecora's mane is cut like that on purpose. Real life Zebra manes
are naturally all sticky-uppy like that.
"Applejack and her younger sister, still a little sniffly, joined Zecora by the door; as Gilda limbered herself up from her cushion and Mac turned to the door, though, Fluttershy spoke up."
Combine this with the next paragraph.
"and Gilda felt her stomach kick again."
OMG SHE'S PREGGERS
"Her bright blue eyes pierced into Gilda’s, and for the second time in four days Gilda found herself being sat down by the Stare. "
I dunno. It strikes me as not very "Fluttershy" to use the Stare on someone who's obviously getting carried away with their own guilt. It's a little like cuffing a sad person to distract them from being sad. I can see Rainbow Dash doing something like that, maybe, but not Fluttershy. I always saw her as more of a Cooldown Hug kind of pony.
It's up to you, of course, but I thought I'd just point that out.
"So saying, she stepped out into the hallway."
Is something missing from the first clause there?
"“Up late and then early to sit with a friend,”"
If it is your intention for this to not rhyme, that's fine. If you wanted this to sort of rhyme, then maybe a comma after "then"?
edited 1st Jan '12 8:25:04 AM by Sessalisk
Caaan anybody find me... Somebody to ♠Thinking aloud about my planned "Celestia and Luna had a third sister" story.
Celestia, being the eldest, is the "responsible" one. She handles most of the duties of ruling Equestria, and much of her time is spent conferring with the leaders of the different regions. She bears the elements of Honesty and Loyalty, symbolic of her commitment to her subjects.
Luna, the mysterious middle child, prefers the stillness of the night to the bustling crowds of the day. Still, she is willing to share what wisdom she gleans from her moments of quiet introspection to those that would seek it. She bears the elements of Kindness and Generosity.
Stella, the fabled third sister and the youngest of the three princesses, takes particular interest in other ponies. She makes it a point to know everyone by name, and during her time, was reputedly the most approachable of the three. She bears the elements of Friendship and Laughter.
I need to tell my inner critic to shut up for a while. Writing is hard enough without a part of yourself second-guessing everything.
This "faculty lot" you speak of sounds like a place of great power...Thanks, Sessalisk. I'm new to working with Google Docs, so I'm not entirely sure how to change the editing options and suchlike. Plus, it was 6AM when I set it up. =D I'll see what I can do about changing it now.
Let's see... thanks for the critique. I only have a few real responses.
I'm assuming you mean the adverb? I admit I abuse them, but I'd dispute that everything tagged to a line of dialogue is a Said Bookism.
Regarding the several light issues - Gilda's eyes adjusting and Dash's eye color - I'll have to see if I can rework those so they still work. They're not really important, but...
I actually don't see it as out-of-character for Fluttershy to try to Stare Gilda to calm her down, especially since she's already done it once, she knows Gilda's just going to keep working herself up, and she can't very well walk over to Gilda at the moment. If more people think that, though, I'll have to rework it, I suppose.
There's nothing missing from that first clause, no.
The intention is for it to rhyme, it's just that I was bone-tired and couldn't think of a good rhyme, so I broke it off there. =)
That actually makes a lot of sense, Kyler. Nicely thought out!
It's been fun.Scrutiny is perfectly fine. It's the knee-jerk OC revulsion that's really rather irritating.
Though I'm guessing that's what you meant in the first place.
Hm... Celestia is a workaholic to the point of neglecting family, and Luna keeps to herself a little too much. Both cases of an otherwise innocuous character trait taken too far. So what to do with Stella...
Oh well, I'll come up with something eventually.
This "faculty lot" you speak of sounds like a place of great power...Yeah, with Celestia neglecting her family and Luna cloistering herself, that doesn't sound like a very happy family life...
...Hm. Kyler, once Stella disappears (or dies or whatever you have planned for her), is your intent to use her as a Dead Little Sister to bring Celestia and Luna out of their shells and closer to one another?
It's been fun.I WILL get that Griffin War story started before vacation is over! The problem is friggin' STARTING it. I've got two possible scenarios.
1. Celestia and Luna discussing Celestia's diplomatic mission to the Griffin Kingdoms to speak to Aeris
2. Two of the Kingdoms' military officers (a Marshal and a younger, inexperienced officer) marching towards Equestria and discussing the attack.
Which do you guys prefer?
Why not both? You could use this to compare and contrast how both sides operate, and how aware they are of what the other side is doing. It's also a good chance for both suspense and dramatic irony, if you're going to demonstrate that Equestria is hoping for a peaceful resolution while being ignorant that the attack is already coming.
As chance would have it, I'm just moving on to a griffon war subplot in the story I'm writing. I'm actually having a lot of fun with coming up with a culture for the griffons. Since they feature so prominently in medieval heraldry, I figured I'd pattern them after Europe in the Middle Ages, with gothic skyscrapers, knights and chivalry and such.
edited 1st Jan '12 5:30:31 PM by BornIn1142
Okay, I have probably the most obscure crossover idea ever. I'll be impressed if anyone gets it, but that's not the point.
So, it's set in the future. Unicorns are gone, pegasi are gone, the princesses are gone. It's just the earth ponies, and they're at about late 19th/early 20th-century level technology. Unicorns and pegasi and magic are considered to be little more than fairly tales.
The setting is the estate of a local duke, who's a bit of a bumbling fool who tries to please everyone and ends up pleasing no one. He is not the main character.
No, the point of interest is a troupe of travelers - there's a juggler, a salespony, a zebra who sells all manner of herbal mixtures etc. However, the star of the setting is The Amazing Mezmera, who claims to be a unicorn capable of powerful magic.
The Duke hires them as entertainment, and the question arises - is the unicorn for real, or is she a fraud?
Stella is a young and curious thing (young for an alicorn, anyway), but sometimes she goes overboard and forgets about a little concept called "personal space".
At least, not until later...
But you know what? I've decided it would be best if Stella was introduced more as a background character than a viewpoint character. People are more familiar with Twilight Sparkle, so I'll start with her as the main character. And have her investigate a constellation that appears to have gone missing.
edited 1st Jan '12 6:31:50 PM by KylerThatch
This "faculty lot" you speak of sounds like a place of great power...@ Red Savant
"Are there any similar tropes?" Alice requested.
No, not everything tagged to a speech verb is going to be a Said Bookism, but adverbs modifying "said" or the Said Bookism clearly are.
edited 1st Jan '12 6:51:03 PM by Sessalisk
Caaan anybody find me... Somebody to ♠

Well, I'd just figured I didn't know who you were leaning more towards the ship with at this point. It could have easily gone either way.
Well, Happy New Years, everyone! It's a bit early, granted, but I'm sure it applies to someone here soon enough!
Birthright: an original web novel about Dragons, the Burdens of Leadership, and Mangoes.