Okay, I'm just going to post the first chapter of my Skyrim story here, so could someone look it over and tell me what they think of it?
Yeah, I'd go with Blank Slate as well, seeing as he'd forget his name along with the rest of his identity.
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I just read through it, and I gotta say, that was one hell of a well written fight scene at the beginning. The pony half was pretty good too, nothing too out of place. I'd think Fluttershy would have had more of a reaction to the injured Dragonborn though, you even set her up with having brought a first aid kit in the beginning. Having his Hyperspace Arsenal spill out everywhere upon arrival was a cool touch though. It certainly seems like a great start to me.
edited 29th Dec '11 9:13:04 PM by PerpetualLurker
Speaking of fight scenes (I'm sorry that I only ever seem to come here asking for help, by the by, but I'm in the final stretch, so...), did anyone have a chance to read chapter 15? IT's pretty much half fight scene, and I'm wondering how I did at it. A big thing one of my reviewers told me is that nothing in the fic thus far has been as intense as the first chapter, so I'm hoping to end it on a really high note with this.
Birthright: an original web novel about Dragons, the Burdens of Leadership, and Mangoes.@ Crowind
Oh darn, I gave it a few hours, but I was pretty sure the rest of the thread was going to ignore it so I nixed the images. Did you get a chance to take a look at the images before I took them down? or should I put them back up?
Also, you get awesome points for getting that reference right away! :D
Somewhat relatedly, omfg. Someone make sure I don't die while I have this nerdgasm.
People are arguing about derivatives in my story's comment thread.
People are arguing about derivatives in my story's comment thread.
My life is complete.
edited 29th Dec '11 9:55:46 PM by Sessalisk
Caaan anybody find me... Somebody to ♠
No, that's quite alright if you're happy with it.
Hah, nerds. I'll add that the equation at the end is a good example of the difference between valid logic and true logic - just because you pull all the valid moves doesn't mean that your premise is true and therefore your conclusion equally true.
Well, with my naming woes out of the way (thanks again, Crowind), I've managed to finish Chapter Two: By Any Other Name
. It's a bit longer than my previous chapter(s), but they were never very long to begin with. I've got more than enough written now to start submitting the story to places. Anyone have any comments or criticisms before I do?
edited 29th Dec '11 10:41:40 PM by PerpetualLurker
You're welcome. As for the actual chapter, nothing really stands out to me (in a good way) aside from a few typos. I skimmed through all three chapters, and I know that you're concerned about hitting cliches. Well, actually, having an amnesiac (this is optional) OC (and specifically to this fandom, a colt) meeting and getting cozy with the Mane 6 is pretty common. They're usually also paired with the OC having some special dark destiny, or some connection to Luna, or ... well, you get the idea. This is not intended to be criticizing, but what would separate your stories from all of them?
I'm kinda torn. I've got two pony fanfic ideas on the 'burner, one being a mashup with Radiant Historia, and the other being a story for my oc pony (see the Fanon Thread, lol).
edited 29th Dec '11 11:02:57 PM by AceOfScarabs
The three finest things in life are to splat your enemies, drive them from their turf, and hear their lamentations as their rank falls!Yeah, everything's pretty basic. It's an OC because I wanted to try and do a proper character arc and I don't think I could do that with an established character (even the background ponies are surprisingly established in popular fanon). I just wanted to write a character driven story instead of something extremely adventurous, grimdark, or focused on shipping like most of the fics I've read so far. The goal isn't so much standing out at the moment as it is not writing something horrible. Thanks though, I'll try and think of ways have the story to stand out, but I want to avoid diving off the deep end in terms of crazy, at least for now.
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Yeah, you keep mentioning Radiant Historia, but can you maybe tell us more about it? I really like Radiant Historia so this is relevant to my interests.
That's fine. A lot of these kind of stories are more interested in embellishing the character with something incredibly cool instead of having them be, well, characters. Think of my question as more of 'why should I read this?' and stick to it.
edited 29th Dec '11 11:18:15 PM by Crowind
To wit, the idea that keeps percolating is about a certain bright young mare going into Intelligence to help end hostilities between two countries fighting for dwindling resources in Equestria.
I don't intend for it to be blow-by-blow for both continuities, so it'd mix things up a lot, like, say, Fluttershy filling in for Marco and somepony else ending up in Raynie's role, and I might end up with references to the earlier pony generations (Sand Fortress being what's left of Midnight Castle, for one).
The end result, I have no idea what it will look like (Who'd fill in for Satyros and Gutral, for one, Zebras and Diamond Dogs?), but the idea gnaws away at me.
My other fic idea is to establish the kind of character my oc pony Bright Idea is like (she's in the fanon thread, lol).
The three finest things in life are to splat your enemies, drive them from their turf, and hear their lamentations as their rank falls!@ Crowind, thanks for looking at it. I'm kind of surprised (and pleased) that you think I'm on the right track with them. I've decided to start over with Pinkie and Trixie's scene anyways because it's pretty directionless, though I'll still be using a lot of what's already there. I'm not sure if I'll keep the three Rules or not. They started as just a gag, but I might be able to use them for character development.
Edit: Does anybody know any good fics about the royal guards? I read one, who's name I can't remember now, that was all right, but I'd like to read something really good.
edited 30th Dec '11 10:17:51 AM by CDRW
I was working on a Royal Guard story, but it's sidelined while I bounce Foil ideas off of the interior of my brainpan.
If you'd like to tear it to shreds, I can post it on google docs for all to laugh at - Luna is rather difficult to write dialogue for.
edited 30th Dec '11 10:25:25 AM by pvtnum11
Happiness is zero-gee with a sinus cold.https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ftbAgggSy5lDGKelqxSAXs9EVxAPZ-MXEn9qVaXE8xQ/edit
Let 'er rip, man.
Happiness is zero-gee with a sinus cold.@ pvtnum 11
So, this is a live review for the most part. I'm jotting down my thoughts while I read it, so if I bring up something that's covered down the line just disregard it.
First thing, it needs some paragraph spacing, though I'm sure that's just because of transferring it to Google Docs.
In the first paragraph you should introduce his name. It doesn't look to me like you're trying to hide it from the reader for story purposes, or like it's a situation where that would heighten the effect. Also, his daughter's and wife's names.
I liked this part.
Considering how he was brought out of retirement and caught completely by surprise, there's very little fuss made about the reason for why he was summoned. I expected that part to be written out instead of glossed over with a time skip.
Did he ever find out why Luna was in charge? That seems like one of the first things he would look into after meeting her.
Whoah, just read why he was summoned. That's pretty cool. It's probably something you want to include earlier when he's meeting with Luna though. That way you can include his thoughts on the matter before he addresses the guard, and when he does address the guard you can focus on their reaction because you've gotten his thoughts on the matter out of the way. He doesn't seem very bent out of shape about the whole thing though.
I think that protocol would call for him to explain the situation further, (especially explaining their duties; whether they're investigating or filling in for the missing guards is unclear) and detail whatever sort of plan they have before asking for questions.
I think the last time skip could do with some narration glossing over some of the stuff that happened between the meeting and when he ended up with Silver Flash. The transition feels abrupt.
Notes: Please don't forget his family and the effect they have on his motivations. I really like them and it would add a lot of flavor to the story.
I think it's always good to describe things on the ground and show the expanse above the character during flying scenes to help establish a sense of scale, showing just how freaking big the sky is.
How does Luna feel about the guards always saying "Celestia Protects?" Is there some politically-minded pony somewhere trying to get the phrase updated? I'll bet the confusion over that issue could be used to great comedic effect.
His injury should probably play a significant role in the story besides just being the reason why he retired.
Final thoughts: I like the story (not just saying that, I'd read it). I like Firebird as a main character, he's pretty cool and reasonable, which is something I really like in a main character. No Hot Blooded Shounen here.
Luna is pretty good, but feels just a little spastic. Her dialogue is mostly ok, but there were a few places where it needs to be tightened up.
The biggest weaknesses are your tendency to skip over potentially rich character and tension building moments - especially leaving out important details at the most logical time they would appear- and your tendency to not really delve into your character's head (either through narration, direct thoughts, or telling actions). Also, there's some awkward wording that I'm sure you'll smooth out when you go over it again, if you decide to un-sideline the story.
Your biggest strengths are your quick and strong characterizations, (You gave a really good glimpse into his family life and general outlook on life in less than a page.) and your careful attention to the details that you do include. They were all helpful in quickly establishing a clear picture without bogging down the story. None of them felt superfluous or like you were adding in filler.
Edit: Wow, reading over that, I'm reminded of just how much I use the passive voice. I really need to stamp out that habit.
edited 30th Dec '11 12:25:44 PM by CDRW
CDRW: I appreciate the review.
I'll definitely go back and add more descriptive stuff for when he's flying around, and some scene transitions. I was more concerned at the time about how his injury precluded "powered" flight, than about what soaring would be like. I must rectify that.
I think I meant Luna to be a little unhinged here, considering what has happened and all. Maybe if I show Celestia also being unnerved..? Something big has happened, and they're flummoxed as to what it is.
The intent of the story is not to have Firebird solve the main problem. Rather, the Mane Six do that, mostly off-screen. This is essentially a lower-deck episode. Also, to ponify a Pontiac Firebird, if such a thing is possible, but I'm not letting that tidbit hold me back from doing other things.
Again, thanks for the review. I do want to work more on it, just been busy with other stuff. At least I'm somewhat on the right track.
Oh: "Celestia Protects" is a shoutout to WH 40 K - "The Emperor Protects". Luna may have a slight problem with that...
edited 30th Dec '11 12:35:24 PM by pvtnum11
Happiness is zero-gee with a sinus cold.Showing Celestia being out of sorts is a great idea, also, playing up the tension among the guards and palace staff. I imagine in that sort of situation everypony in the palace would be one short step away from outright panic. Conspiracy theories would be flying, that's for sure. Suspicion would abound, and I'm sure there would be a pony or three dozen calling for a Witch Hunt. That would be a good conflict for the guards to have to overcome, staying strong, calm, and keeping their camradarie in the face of everything.
I really like the idea of it being a Lower-Deck Episode too, because that's especially what I want to see in a story about the guards.
edited 30th Dec '11 1:20:30 PM by CDRW

@Sessalisk: Maxwell's demon, yay! Other than that I don't really have any constructive thing to say, since you seem to have pared the number of images down.
@CDRW: I ended up adding comments about typos, sorry. For what it's worth I think you're on the right track with Pinkie and Rarity. Pinkie would have energetic and conversational narration, and she would definitely try to cheer Trixie up if she's stuck with a grump. Although...how touch-y is Pinkie in canon?
edited 29th Dec '11 8:34:36 PM by Crowind