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theLibrarian Since: Jul, 2009
KuroiTsubasaTenshi Streamer from Twitch Since: May, 2011
Streamer
#277: Jul 10th 2011 at 8:38:49 AM

IIRC, he means mixed parentage like pegasus/earth pony.

I think I'd be more interested in hearing how an entire village could end up without cutie marks.

FE: New Mystery Only Feet 7PM PT Sun, Mon, Fri; Umamusume Haru Arima 7PM PT Wed, Thurs: http://www.twitch.tv/kuroitsubasatenshi
MoeDantes cuter, cuddlier Edmond from the Land of Classics Since: Nov, 2010
cuter, cuddlier Edmond
#278: Jul 10th 2011 at 10:22:43 AM

Thanks, Pannic, for letting me know that If, Wherever We Go is up!

That doesn't mean I want ya'll to stop telling me how I do, especially since Chapter 4 is on the way and now that I'm going to be getting readers from Eq D I'll need to be about 20% better.

EDIT:

@Neko LLX - I read a bit further in your story, up to the end of the first battle.

I get what you're going for, and there's nothing wrong with the direction the story is taking. Your biggest problem is how you deliver it. Particularly, the dialogue. I think you need a better grasp of how the characters talk, and what they would and wouldn't say. Particularly Rarity—you've currently got her characterized as "that girl who says 'Darlin' every line." That's not Rarity, that's pre-FIM Rainbow Dash.

Also, you need to find more natural ways for Pinkie to break the fourth wall. Her just happening to have bought a strategy guide in a store is rather jarring, especially considering that your narrative so far was fairly serious. Also, the line where she talks about not liking scripted battles because she can't decide if she should go all out or lose to advance the plot... that's something a gamer would say, not Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie shouldn't even know what she's talking about.

Also, I hope you saw the comments I made previously.

To summarize: So far the idea has promise, but the execution is holding it back.

edited 10th Jul '11 10:39:30 AM by MoeDantes

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Pannic Since: Jul, 2009
#279: Jul 10th 2011 at 10:41:41 AM

Well, Midnight gave me a little feedback on my new story - confirmed my concerns (grasp on characters and lack of "fun"), pointed out an embarrassing typo, but says I'm pretty good. So that's a comfort.

Pannic Since: Jul, 2009
#280: Jul 10th 2011 at 11:00:57 AM

Heh. Chapter 2 already has enough words in it to be submitted. Not done yet, though.

RichReeders Official Muffin Watcher from Watching this muffin. Since: Feb, 2011
Official Muffin Watcher
#281: Jul 10th 2011 at 11:03:27 AM

In my case I have characterization almost spot-on, I just need to make the story a bit more detailed.

Don't you try anything, you baked good you.
JapaneseTeeth Existence Weighed Against Nonbeing from Meinong's jungle Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: Mu
Existence Weighed Against Nonbeing
#282: Jul 10th 2011 at 12:33:31 PM

@Moe: I'm currently working on that crossover thing if you want to take a look at it.

Here's what I have so far, although you might need to be familiar with Mahou Sensei Negima. In short, Twilight and Rainbow Dash got sucked into the Negima-verse for some reason.

I'm mainly concerned with Twilight's journal entry at the beginning; not really satisfied that I've captured her voice there.

EDIT: The first two chapters are here, for those who are interested.

edited 10th Jul '11 12:56:01 PM by JapaneseTeeth

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KuroiTsubasaTenshi Streamer from Twitch Since: May, 2011
Streamer
#283: Jul 10th 2011 at 1:03:07 PM

@Moe Ok, I read chapter 3 and here are my thoughts:

  • Reading "Miss Zecora" coming from Luna felt off and I think it's because IIRC, she never address Zecora, or any pony in that way previously
  • Dashie's observations about the rock seem a little wordy for her. I think she might be more likely to insist that Twilight come see what she's seeing as opposed to telling it all.
  • First impression of Luna's ability to scout for the ponies seems awfully powerful and it's jarring that when things go completely south, Luna is totally silent until the ponies are all knocked out
  • Missing verb: “What kind of fashions are in style here?” Rarity.
  • Combat explanation: I find it a little weird that you picked 5, which causes a pony to get benched
  • Why would the random woman ask if they should go after the ponies? That doesn't really strike me as the first thing someone would say after meeting something as a strange as technicolour talking ponies.
  • The frisbee Fluttershy scene doesn't quite feel like Fluttershy's voice. The demeanor feels about right, so maybe it's the wording.
  • I don't think 'plopped' in 'plopped kids right off of Pinkie'is the word you're looking for. Plucked perhaps?

So I"m curious about the RPG elements. Are you actually writing this as a "ponies end up in an RPG set on modern earth" type concept or have you revived your original idea of doing this as a game?

FE: New Mystery Only Feet 7PM PT Sun, Mon, Fri; Umamusume Haru Arima 7PM PT Wed, Thurs: http://www.twitch.tv/kuroitsubasatenshi
NekoLLX Writer: Tokusatsu 5YrWar from Soviet America Since: Nov, 2010
Writer: Tokusatsu 5YrWar
#284: Jul 10th 2011 at 3:15:10 PM

@Moe yea i can't seem to get into the established characters horse shoes, it's a bit frustrating. I do have something of a out since its a year after season 1, as for pinkie she is "medium aware" so the idea i'm going with is she studied RP Gs (just like Spike visited his home village) both these things will be expanded on as the story advances.

7 friends, a robot, and a spirit, will find a way to protect us...if it kills them.
MoeDantes cuter, cuddlier Edmond from the Land of Classics Since: Nov, 2010
cuter, cuddlier Edmond
#285: Jul 10th 2011 at 3:39:21 PM

(Sadly, it seems like the people on Eq D aren't liking it so far).

I'll be seeing how I can patch up the rest, but two questions I can answer now:

The woman - The deal is I wanted to break away from the "everyone's afraid of the ponies" motif I had going in my very very first draft, since that's honestly kind of unrealistic (some people would be scared, sure, but its hard to imagine everyone would run in fear of cute, colorful diminutive horsies). I've actually seen people say "should we follow it?" after seeing ghost lights or things that actually are creepy, so this seems more natural than real life to me.

The RPG elements - I'm not sure how to answer that without spoiling too much. I can say the RPG elements are there because they're actually a part of the story, and not for some ulterior meta-reason (though I would like to see a game made out of this, that isn't the overriding purpose). Chapter 4 is probably gonna be up before next weekend and it's going to have an example of such.

edited 10th Jul '11 3:55:26 PM by MoeDantes

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Pannic Since: Jul, 2009
#286: Jul 10th 2011 at 3:55:08 PM

Well, Eq D updated my story, and the ratings seem to have gone from 3.5 stars at 22 votes to 4 stars at 25 votes. That's nice.

KuroiTsubasaTenshi Streamer from Twitch Since: May, 2011
Streamer
#287: Jul 10th 2011 at 4:50:47 PM

@Moe Hmmm, okay, although what I wasn't expecting a fear response. The writing just felt more like it was leading up to a pure Flat "What" moment. That's too bad the response isn't great. Given one of the comments, I have this suspicion that this may be a bit of a tagging issue. I noticed the story is labeled as normal, but Luna's flashback to Canterlot is a bit dark. I don't think it crosses over into grimdark, but I wonder if maybe that particular commenter (and those thinking like him/her) got a bit blindsided by the Canterlot scene.

FE: New Mystery Only Feet 7PM PT Sun, Mon, Fri; Umamusume Haru Arima 7PM PT Wed, Thurs: http://www.twitch.tv/kuroitsubasatenshi
RichReeders Official Muffin Watcher from Watching this muffin. Since: Feb, 2011
Official Muffin Watcher
#288: Jul 10th 2011 at 4:57:37 PM

Did I show this yet?

Don't you try anything, you baked good you.
Pannic Since: Jul, 2009
#289: Jul 10th 2011 at 5:17:43 PM

Okay, so I finished Chapter 2. Think it's good for submission?

RichReeders Official Muffin Watcher from Watching this muffin. Since: Feb, 2011
Official Muffin Watcher
#290: Jul 10th 2011 at 5:46:44 PM

Not bad; could use a bit of tidying in places: It's "Cloudsdale", not "Cloudsdayle", "Some people with some idle money that they thought they could turn into more money by lending it to the right people". would sound better a "Some people (or in this case, ponies or pegasi) thought that they could turn idle money into more money by lending it to the right people" or: "Some people with idle money thought that they could turn into more money by lending it to the right people"

“What about them?” The colt asked. should be “What about them?” the colt asked. "

"There was a silence." would probably read better as "He did not reply" or "He was silent"

"...there was still much more work to do." would be better as "... but there was still much more work to be done"

Little things like that.

Don't you try anything, you baked good you.
Pannic Since: Jul, 2009
theLibrarian Since: Jul, 2009
#292: Jul 10th 2011 at 6:30:59 PM

Would someone tell me how the second chapter of my Western is if I, again, put it up here?

I'm sorry, but if this is going up on ED someday I'd like it to be good.

JapaneseTeeth Existence Weighed Against Nonbeing from Meinong's jungle Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: Mu
Existence Weighed Against Nonbeing
#293: Jul 10th 2011 at 7:03:24 PM

I wish I had something that I could actually submit. tongue

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Pannic Since: Jul, 2009
#294: Jul 10th 2011 at 8:11:11 PM

I'm afraid I'm not a good person to ask about critiquing stuff.

Anyway, I submitted the two "Catch Me if You Can" chapters.

I notice that "With a Little Help from My Friends" is still pretty much ignored. I suspect the bland story description doesn't help. I'll have to change it if possible.

edited 10th Jul '11 8:11:19 PM by Pannic

theLibrarian Since: Jul, 2009
#295: Jul 10th 2011 at 9:24:17 PM

Does anyone other than me think a story about a small film studio that sets up shop in Ponyvile sounds appealing?

Pannic Since: Jul, 2009
RichReeders Official Muffin Watcher from Watching this muffin. Since: Feb, 2011
Official Muffin Watcher
#297: Jul 10th 2011 at 9:47:26 PM

They already have cameras; I don't see why they couldn't have motion picture cameras.

Don't you try anything, you baked good you.
NekoLLX Writer: Tokusatsu 5YrWar from Soviet America Since: Nov, 2010
Writer: Tokusatsu 5YrWar
#298: Jul 10th 2011 at 9:51:27 PM

You planin to read the entire thing moe? Last time you posted you said "up to first battle"

7 friends, a robot, and a spirit, will find a way to protect us...if it kills them.
MoeDantes cuter, cuddlier Edmond from the Land of Classics Since: Nov, 2010
cuter, cuddlier Edmond
#299: Jul 10th 2011 at 10:05:58 PM

I might, Neko LLX, but I don't think I'll have anything else to say that I haven't already.

re Cameras: Actually, the question of exactly what level of technology there is in Ponyville needs to be answered. Most of the episodes give me the impression that they're at least in the 1800s technology-wise, but then they have megaphones and cameras and Fluttershy becomes a famous fashion model (which would put the tech at around the 1960s at least).

For my story I'm just saying "when in doubt, assume they don't have it yet."

That's too bad the response isn't great. Given one of the comments, I have this suspicion that this may be a bit of a tagging issue. I noticed the story is labeled as normal, but Luna's flashback to Canterlot is a bit dark. I don't think it crosses over into grimdark, but I wonder if maybe that particular commenter (and those thinking like him/her) got a bit blindsided by the Canterlot scene.

I just sent Sethisto an e-mail about this, because I think you're right. There's also the fact that Luna breaks her leg in chapter three, which isn't exactly played for laughs.

As a matter of fact, there haven't been that many "funny" parts... though, hopefully that picks up in chapter five.

edited 10th Jul '11 10:10:01 PM by MoeDantes

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Pannic Since: Jul, 2009
#300: Jul 10th 2011 at 10:10:53 PM

The technology situation is always dubious. Lot of Schizo Tech. I think Faust claimed that the ponies don't have electricity, but things like refrigerators and the like are made by unicorns and run on magic or something.

Coulda sworn I saw a limo in that episode...

edited 10th Jul '11 10:11:31 PM by Pannic


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