Can we? I'm having a hard time.
What's so bad about it? Are you worried we might try to persuade each other to change our minds?
Warm hugs and morally questionable advice given here. Prosey Bitchfest
No, it's just sounds very un... contesy? Judgy? I dunno, it's just that discussing and exchanging thoughts is something that's likely to change your opinion on something, whether it was deliberate or not. You lose a part of the "personal" view of each judge, something like that. I'm not saying that necessarrily happens, it's just how it sounds to me.
(If nobody has a problem with this feel free to discuss. I'm getting everyone's feedback anyway, so I don't have any reason to complain about it. I just said what came to my head.)
Despite spotty Internet at my end, I am almost done with mine, so I'm not likely to be swayed.
"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada^
/applauds Freezair
The rest of us (myself especially) should get moving. Traditionally, scores are in after a week—that means Friday.
Whatcha gonna do, little buckaroo? | i be pimpin' madoka ficsI still have yet to read entries 8 and 9, but I finished grading up to 7.
"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~MadrugadaNine. I promise I'll finish scoring tonight.
Warm hugs and morally questionable advice given here. Prosey BitchfestI will most likely turn in my scores last—but not late.
Whatcha gonna do, little buckaroo? | i be pimpin' madoka ficsHey! Hey you writers! You want your scores? I got your scores right here!
Entry 1: http://freetexthost.com/oqsri41aut
- Theme: 4/5. Stuck to the theme very well, though in some points it seemed to mostly just be bare-bones repitition of stuff that already happened. So while we did get to see the scene from other angles, the fact that there was so much general repition made it a bit hard to get a handle on the differences between the viewpoints.
- Conventions: 5/5. No errors at all that I noticed.
- '''Assessment:
- Good parts: I thought the concept was interesting. There's a decent amount of backstory to this short world, but I think you did a good job of finding ways to convey it all without beating us over the head with it. The Professor is kind of an interesting character, and I'm not sure what to say about his motives, but I like it when I'm kept guessing. The prose is also nicely solid and shows that the writer has a good grasp on general storytelling.
- Bad parts: Although solid, the prose is sometimes a bit too "telly." Especially with regards to emotions. That's an easy mistake to make, though. -2 pts.
- The dialogue is also somewhat bland, and I can't get a proper feel for characters beyond the Professor, really. -2 pts.
- It was just a little hard to follow. -1 pt.
Overall: I really liked the concept, but I think the story needs a bit more "fire." It has a solid idea, and now it just needs some more evocative dialogue and a slight enlivening of its prose to really draw me in. 19/25
Entry 2: http://freetexthost.com/l0g0i0jk1l
- Theme: Not only did you take the theme, you ran with it, (wo)man. 5/5
- Conventions: No errors I saw; nicely done. 5/5
- Assessment:
- Good parts: Right from the beginning of the concept (hide-and-seek in an abandoned building, and everybody ganging up to beat a smarmy player), it is a cool idea that really hooks the reader. At first it seems very life-or-death with the way it's introduced, but then you go on to reveal, no it's only hide-and-seek after all. Except not. There are a lot of characters, but most of them feel pretty good (although I'll get to the others later). The writing is really lively and exciting and conversational in that way that's a hell of a lot of fun to read.
- Bad parts: Although this story has a lot of plusses, there's one fact about it that gets to me: It's really kind of bloated. There's a lot going on here. Hide-and-seek, superpowers, some postapocalyptic thing... It's a lot to keep a handle on, with the end result that certain aspects feel weak and end up not mattering as much to the reader. The abandoned building hide-and-seek is great. The superpowers and postapocalypse? They're so far in the background, I find it difficult to care. Some of the characters feel a bit extraneous, too. -5 pts.
Overall: I think the hide-and-seek drama is great stuff. But I honestly feel like the telepathy and the apocalypse stuff are just unecessary. If the danger was merely being found in a dangerous abandoned building, I think that would work just as well, as would being caught two-timing in a relationship instead of turning someone over. 20/25
Entry 3: http://freetexthost.com/21fjbsw15n
- Theme: Rashomon-style testimony, eh? Can't get much more on-theme than that.
- Conventions: 3/5. Now, before you get on my case: I realize a lot of the errors here were intentional and meant to be evocative of certain speech patterns or potentially levels of education. However, I feel they were taken to the point where they made the story difficult to read, hindering more than they helped.
- Assessment:
- Good parts: Despite my griping about the speech patterns, I still feel (although they went overboard) that you're clearly good at differentiating people, and I could always tell who the speakers were. You clearly know how to give dialogue character. There were also a few points where I had legitimate laughs, such as the "deinterpretations" of the soothsayer's, uh, soothsaying, and the ending remark: "It'll be like a hanging without people actually dying." Paraphrased.
- Bad parts: Well, I already commented on the conventions matter above, so there's that. I also had a difficult time piecing together the actual happenings of the event, due to the weird way certain people phrase things. Like I said, this was somewhat difficult to follow as a whole. -5 pts.
Overall: I like the concept, and I think you're clearly very good at characters. But I think you went a lot-bit overboard with the Funetik Aksent and atypical grammar patterns in this one. It's not too bad on the whole, though. Just a bit over-the-top. 18/25
Entry 4: http://freetexthost.com/usv4jozt56
- Theme: Only two points of view, but you make it work. 5/5
- Conventions: 4/5. I feel like it needed a few more commas, but mostly it was good.
- Assessment:
- Good parts: The prose is pretty good, and the concept is pretty interesting. The two characters have a pretty unique interrelationship, the way they view each other as "monsters" is pretty good, and their constant taunting and teasing of one another is good. It's a cat-and-mouse interrogation thing and it's nicely done here.
- Bad parts: As much as I like the two characters, I feel like I really need more context for them and what's happening with them. There is a clear story around them, but we're so separated from it, it's hard to feel the impact of that story despite the strong role it plays in the relationship between the two. I like the characters, but I'm not sure what's going on around them. -3 pts.
- Also, the prose gets a little heavy on telling at some parts. Not all, though. -2 pts.
Overall: I like this story and these characters, but I feel like they're floating in a void. I think the backstory needs to be explained a bit more. Great interplay, though. 19/20
Entry 5: http://freetexthost.com/fmsaowm03h
- Theme: 4/5. You did use multiple points of view, but I feel like they all melded together a bit quickly. Not too bad, though.
- Conventions: 4/5. Again, I think this one needed a few additional commas, but mostly it's quite solid.
- Assessment:
- Good Parts: From the title alone, it's clear that this story is going to be interesting, and it is. It's very easy to follow, and what little of the world we see is nicely explained. Johnny's power is really interesting, and he puts it to very good use. The actiony bit is quite nicely done, the dialogue is pretty good too, and overall, I think it's really nicely done.
- Bad Parts: The ending feels just a bit too cute. The whole "hero" bit. I like what happens, but I feel like that last line is pushing it a little. It feels too tidy. -1 pt.
- It is somewhat difficult to tell the different theives apart. I think there might be one or two many of them. -1 pt.
Overall: Quite a nice little story you've got here. It's exactly the right size, and it's a fun read. 21/25.
Entry 6: http://freetexthost.com/ia4ee2hndo
- Theme: 5/5. It's pretty strictly adhered to here.
- Conventions: 3/5. Something about your formatting is... very odd. I imagine this was an accident, but I wish you'd taken the time to check up on it. It makes this hard to read.
- Assessment:
- Good parts: The intro is pretty amusing; you never see much in the way of dark rituals from Cultist No. 72's viewpoint. The matter-of-fact tone to the whole thing is pretty amusing, too. It does quite a good job of pulling you in. And it's interesting to see the sacrifice's POV of things.
- Bad parts: Unfortunately, I feel like it never really... builds to anything. We know they're summoning something big, something bad is going to happen... and then we don't get to see that something. It makes the whole story fall flat at the end. It's unsatisfying and it feels just... cut off. -6 pts.
Overall: I like the concept, but I really wish I'd seen more done with it. 17/25
Entry 7: http://freetexthost.com/jigqt1zi1q
- Theme: 5/5. I liked the creative titles you gave to the different perspectives, too.
- Conventions: 4/5. There were a few slightly awkward sentences, but that's all.
- Assessment:
- Good Parts: This is cool, man. Each of the different perspectives is a really nicely done little snapshot of a different society, and imbues each one with a different flavor in a way that feels perfectly natural without feeling bloated. The prose, though imperfect, is generally on the "really pretty good" side of the spectrum, especially during the Grayback segment. I love the different views each species had of each other, and the subtle ways they were all described.
- Bad Parts: As cool as all of this was, the ending felt a little rushed to me. I left with the feeling that not much had been accomplished, and while I understood the viewpoints of each culture and the trouble that brings to their interactions with one another, I was ultimately left with a feeling that not much had been accomplished. It starts great, and the middle is great, it just peeters out a bit in the end. -2 pts.
Overall: Fantastic worldbuilding, and fabulous at sucking the reader into its world. I just think it needs a bit more at the end to really make it feel solid. 22/25
Entry 8: http://freetexthost.com/ooy0zrv6uw
- Theme: 5/5. Not only did you use the theme, you used it in a very creative way that made sense.
- Conventions: 5/5. All good on the Writestern front.
- Assessment:
- Good Parts: The voice here is just wonderful. The word choice is excellent, the sentences flow, and you write like a real professional. The imagry is evocative, and really sets the scene. The whole first portion of the story is utterly charming, while the second part makes you go "oooooh" in a really nice way. This story has a wonderfully polished feel overall, except...
- Bad Parts: ...for Joshua's segment at the end. I was honestly surprised when I saw his bit, because it seemed very clear to me that the story was over. Aoife (how do you pronounce that, by the way?) kept the timeline secure, is getting a job, and she gets to say "Screw you" to her overbearing mother in the process. I honestly felt that Joshua was tacked on and unecessary; just the first two segments would have been enough. And I think they provided enough in the way of "multiple viewpoints" to be just fine. -2 pts.
Overall: Great story. I just question the necessity of the last part. 23/25
Entry 9: http://freetexthost.com/j1awbginue
Uh... I'm declining to give this an official score. It seems to be incomplete, as it does not match the word count and it seems as though something's been left out of it.
edited 15th Jul '11 11:38:02 AM by FreezairForALimitedTime
"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada-skims over scores-
Interesting scoring. However writers, keep in mind that I have a wider range of scores, so one story may stoop a little low.
I just have to read two more stories and score one other.
Just that you know, this is the format I'm going to use:
Entry One: Title
- Convections: X/5
- Theme: X/5
- Overall: X/15
- Total: X/25
- Comments: Thoughts about story and theme.
Thoughts about convection.
Advice.
edited 15th Jul '11 5:59:30 AM by chihuahua0
It's "Conventions," not "Convections."
My scores will still be out of 25 points, but I absorbed the Conventions into "General." I decided to score the stories not as a critic necessarily, but based on how well they read, or how they worked as a short story. Theme will be worth 5 points, and General is worth 20.
@All of the Writers: Out of curiosity, how many drafts did you write before you submitted your entry?
edited 15th Jul '11 7:34:41 AM by BetsyandtheFiveAvengers
How many drafts did I write? One. I prefer editing on the fly, but it usually won't be until a day later when I'm able to pick up things that should be revised. I had that "ohshit" feeling when I read over my entry a few days after the due date, but Freezair didn't pick at any of the things that I was worried about. Huh.
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."Uhh...Freezair. Unless we got different PMs, Tenants was Entry Seven.
But I just finish it but it was quite good. All I need to do is to read Entry Eight "A Matter of Stability" and then score Entry Four and Entry Six.
And should I still score Entry Nine, even though it fell under the word limit?
And sometime in the future, I'll probably write a short story with these guidelines, and use the multiple Point of Views to my advantage.
edited 15th Jul '11 8:10:01 AM by chihuahua0
Okay, I'm going to post my scores for the first three, and then continue to add the rest as I write up my reviews. Watch this post.
Entry One:
- Theme: 3/5. Now, I noticed that you did use multiple POVs, but none of the characters or their voices weren't distinct enough to feel as if I’m viewing this event from a number of different perspectives, beyond the occasional glimpse into what a character was thinking.
- General: 12/20. I liked the idea, but I felt as if it was almost too grand, or too sweeping, for this purpose. It may need more than about 3,000 words to really work. As it is, you relied too much on “telling” than actual “showing,” and the repetitive phrases were distracting, and somewhat unnecessary. The lack of character interaction and depth before the mission doesn’t lead me to care about the expedition, or its resolution, so I didn’t feel anything when I finished reading. The writing was dry in places, and I think that you meandered a bit in the middle before you ran out of momentum towards the end.
- Overall: If you were willing to revisit the idea and make it longer, than you would definitely have something here. This could be a nice outline or template, and with more character development, better pacing, and livelier prose, it would be very good. 15/25
Entry Two:
- Theme: 4/5. I can see where the perspective changes, and I liked that every character had a different relationship to Alex, Martha, and an attempt to win the game. The little messages from Alex at the beginning of some of the sections were nice, too.
- General: 14/20. I enjoyed the way this story began and the idea behind it. It kind of reminded me of a teenage Corrections: “We have to get together to play one last game of Hide-and-Seek!” The writing had a lot of “presence” which is great. Everything felt fun and natural, and it was a good read.
- There were a lot of things going on at once, and a lot of characters coming in and out. In certain sections it was fine, but—like Entry One—this story also lagged in the middle and slowed down towards the end. The characters and their backstories seemed interesting enough, however, nobody stood out. Their tone and voices were too similar for me to invest in anyone. There is also a fair amount of telling in the narration that could have been trimmed. Some of the aspects—especially the superpowers—could have been left out; it didn’t seem to contribute anything to the plot. I also know that the only reasons the characters were playing the final game because they had to evacuate the city, but I never felt the extremity of this, why it was sad or difficult, and why it was shocking that Alex was the first to leave. This seemed like a central part of the story, but the way it was presented needed a lot of polish to work for me.
- Overall: I have some minor complaints with this story, but it was an enjoyable read. Job well done. 18/25.
Entry Three:
- Theme: 5/5. I have to give you full points on the theme. I loved the oral history approach; in addition to being different and original, I think it showed a lot of bravery to try something so minimalist for the contest.
- General: 6/20. Nevertheless, everything else fell apart. I understand where you were heading with the dialogue, but each part read as if you were trying to add another quirk rather than explain an event. The plot and characters seemed to fall by the wayside. It was hard for me to finish this entry, and I was so distracted by all of the different devices that I couldn’t even begin to care about the story.
- Overall: You deserve props for the refreshing approach, but everything else was too messy to resonate. 11/25.
Entry Four:
- Theme: 4/5. For the most part, you wrote the same scene twice from two different character’s perspectives. This is serviceable as a story from multiple POVs, though it is a little paint-by-the-numbers.
- General: 14/20. Unlike the previous entries, this one was slow to start before it picked up in the middle. The writing—particularly the expository scenes and inner monologues—tended to be a bit dry, and failed to rope me into the conflict. The first 400 words or so could have been cut down to get right to the heart of the story. I found that the real strength in this entry was the interaction between 1684 and Maxwell. At its best the dialogue was almost like a chess match, and there were some great lines. I liked that I could see where they were both coming from, and I enjoyed the subtle hints to the tension between them.
- I think that the ending didn’t mesh well with the rest of the story. It felt like you were trying to end the story with a “wham!,” which ultimately didn’t work against the quiet, clever match between the characters.
- Overall: Good work on the character interactions, but the final moments were an unsuccessful tie-up for the ending. 18/25
edited 15th Jul '11 11:00:02 AM by BetsyandtheFiveAvengers
Freezair, you've got entries 7 and 8 reversed. The order of entries is:
Entry 1: http://freetexthost.com/oqsri41aut
Entry 2: http://freetexthost.com/l0g0i0jk1l
Entry 3: http://freetexthost.com/21fjbsw15n
Entry 4: http://freetexthost.com/usv4jozt56
Entry 5: http://freetexthost.com/fmsaowm03h
Entry 6: http://freetexthost.com/ia4ee2hndo
Entry 7: http://freetexthost.com/jigqt1zi1q
Entry 8: http://freetexthost.com/ooy0zrv6uw
Entry 9: http://freetexthost.com/j1awbginue
EDIT: OK, now it's all good.
edited 15th Jul '11 11:44:56 AM by jewelleddragon
Ooops. Well, no harm done on the whole, considering that I still link to the proper entries.
"Proto-Indo-European makes the damnedest words related. It's great. It's the Kevin Bacon of etymology." ~Madrugada
