Parenting

The past, much like the present and the future, has its ups and downs. Remember the good and bad times and don't focus too much on either. Above all, try to learn from it. Remember the good lessons and experiences and avoid repeating the mistakes (whether they were your mistakes or the mistakes of others like your parents).

Edited by M84 on Jan 11th 2019 at 2:21:25 AM

The past helped make you you, both the good times and bad. Love them or hate them or a mixture of both, you parents are your's, no one else's, and you will always be influenced by them, remember them or no.

Let's talk practical advice. After school debriefings. How do I get my kids to entrust me with the tale of their day, and to bother to make the effort to tell it, especially when it's been long and bad?

Edited by Oruka on Jan 12th 2019 at 4:53:57 AM

Are you a parent? What age are your children? Be aware that children are reluctant to share everything with you as part of the natural progression of developing an independent identity. That said, if you want them to share stories about their day, there is no better way than for you to share stories about yours.

Depends on what exactly the situation is. Personally, when I was a kid I didn't like to talk about my day at school because, frankly, I wanted to think about school as little as possible and didn't feel like I had much to talk about anyways. Every day kinda blended together.

I plan to make kids as soon as I've found a suitable partner. Or adopt. I've been thinking of that more and more these days.

I mean, why make new kids while there's still perfectly lovable orphans around who don't have a guardian and deserve one as much as the next kid? Why should I care about genes and blood at all?

Edited by Oruka on Jan 12th 2019 at 5:13:08 AM

Well, I adopted both of mine, so...

About the whole "getting kids to talk" thing... it'll very much depend on the kid. You won't get a natural clam to enjoy spilling details about their day, whatever you try to pull or whatever you use as bribery. And, good luck shutting the incessant chatterbox up.

Personalities start showing themselves early, and nothing causes more stress than trying to force behaviour out of a kid that is the counter of whatever inbuilt blueprint they got born with. You can help 'em express what they've got in a more or less socially acceptable way, but there isn't one foolproof method to do it. And, there are individual limits. <shrugs>

If in doubt, though, teach through reward. And, tailor it to whatever the kid likes (but, nothing too foody). Punishment can teach, alright: a load of bad habits and anxiety. And, forcing a quiet kid to chat when they really don't feel comfortable with the whole thing is very akin to emotional punishment.

Edited by Euodiachloris on Jan 12th 2019 at 3:26:00 PM

What about Confidante Journaling? Like, we write a journal for each other to read?

As somebody who hates keeping diaries on a fundamental and visceral level I cannot adequately explain (it's a reaction up there with trying to eat raw onions and garlic or the kind of treacle tart you need a pneumatic drill to cut into or trying to sit still while somebody chews loudly with their mouth open... I can do those things if I really have to, but.... urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh), that would depend on the kid.

I have never liked being forced to keep them, even as a part of cognitive therapy I truly wanted to do. Considering it was supposed to help me work how to manage both anxiety and my physical/ immunological condition out, it flunked the first and impacted the second. :/

Also, a kid with dyslexia or dysgraphia would probably prefer to eat spinach puffs instead of dessert every day rather than keep a handwritten diary.

Edited by Euodiachloris on Jan 13th 2019 at 9:42:54 AM

I'll hazard a guess that the way you listen to your kids will influence what they talk about to you (and how). If they feel that you will support them rather than judge them, they'll talk to you more easily.

So I'm currently getting some more schooling in for my Child Development certificate that I'm working on and I'm currently taking a Child Guidance course.

Today the class had a conversation about spanking and most of us generally didn't think it was a good practice, and the one's that did said it should be reserved for more severe behavior and not the go-to form of punishment. We ended up making a list of points that we felt should be followed when spanking and I was wondering what everyone thought about them and the practice in general.

1) This was the biggest one: never spank them when you're angry. Even (well, especially) if it's a big situation you need to give yourself time to cool down first. When parents are angry it can lead to more accidents such as spanking too hard and you also get the side affect of teaching the child that it's okay to hit when you're mad.

2) Always take the time to have a dialogue with the child about what they've done, find out why they did it, and explain why it's not okay. Make sure it's clear to them why they're getting spanked.

To me this one seemed obvious and I feel like a dialogue should always happen when a child misbehaves, but I also think there's a lot of parents that don't really make time for that. They'll just get frustrated and give the child a "don't do that!" or "stop that!" before swatting them. Parenting is rough and tiring, but I think misbehavior can always be turned into a learning opportunity and adults should really take the time to talk to their kids, especially if they plan to deal out corporal punishment. Thoughts?

As someone who has suffered corporal punishment as a child, I can't really recommend spanking under any circumstance.

Except maybe a situation where the kid does something incredibly stupid and dangerous such as trying to re-enact William Tell with their younger sibling and actually injuring them in the process.

Yeah, I'm definitely not a fan of it and won't be spanking my hypothetical children. Sadly I don't think it's ever going to go away though, but perhaps we can get the parents who do choose to spank to be more (I'm struggling to find the right word here) thoughtful? when they do so.

Generally speaking, the parents who do think spanking is a good idea aren't particularly thoughtful people who are willing to listen to criticism.

They are the kind of people who double down and accuse others of being "SJ Ws" and "snowflakes" who want to "mollycoddle" children.

They just don't want to admit that the real reason they want to do it is because they're angry and want to hit someone.

Edited by M84 on Jan 23rd 2019 at 10:42:01 PM

Spanking is good at one thing, teaching children that the appropriate way to react to someone vastly weaker than you doing something you don’t like, is to hurt them repeatedly.

I've spanked my children in the past. Very rarely, and only for extreme behaviors that had to stop and after other methods failed. Its not a good thing to do, and in general the parenting model Zanthype described is the correct one to follow.

Edited by DeMarquis on Jan 24th 2019 at 10:22:59 AM

"Child Development certificate that I'm working on and I'm currently taking a Child Guidance" Is that, like, some parenting course?

Indeed. But then, what methods of punishment, of negative consequences, are appropriate when it is extremely urgent and important to engrave into a kid's mind that something is wrong and should not be done? Like, crime level stuff. Setting animals on fire; animal cruelty in general. Bullying. Hitting people. Telling people to kill themselves. Peeking into someone's bathroom stall. Touching others' privates without invitation. Flashing people (my second nephew had a phase where his father needed to physically stop him from dropping his pants in front of everyone). Knifing somebody. Trying to drown somebody. Imitating pro wrestling moves and, say, piledriving your little brother. Throwing rocks at people. Breaking into the safe and playing with firearms. Taking a dump anywhere that isn't the can. Taking illegal drugs, especially if they're dangerous unto themselves. Consuming alcohol prematurely. Taking the car for a joy ride. Shoplifting. Stealing in general.

For one, I don't think the punishment should depend on the actual outcome of the act. That's Moral Luck thinking. The important thing is that you actively endangered your brother's life by playing William Tell; whether he's hurt or not, the action is just as reprehensible and worthy of inhibition.

How about the same ones we use for adults? We don’t conduct ritualistic beatings for adult criminals.

I’m not sure what property of corporeal punishment would make it intrinsically more damaging than non-corporeal punishments. It’s too much of a sticks-and-stones argument.

For example, it might breed resentment, but so do other forms of punishment. Even the idea that it teaches violence can have communicable properties (there’s plenty of ways to hurt people without touching them).

Context is everything, especially with children.

Cannot agree more!

Nothing confuses or undermines previous lessons quite like context-free pain or discomfort. Be it emotional or physical.

Sure, discomfort can (and often does) form strong memory impressions, but that's the rub: if the kid has learned primarily to become avoidant, afraid or paranoid along with any other retained, yet misunderstood information... That's almost never easy to unpick and deal with, later.

Edited by Euodiachloris on Jan 24th 2019 at 11:08:34 AM

To be fair, it’s obviously bad to be too punishing in general. You should use carrot-and-stock tactics and show support in general. Having said that, a certain degree of resentment and antagonism between parent and child is basically inevitable even then.

I’d justify spanking with simple Pavlovian conditioning-it causes them to associate negative behavior with physical pain, which can be useful.

@Oruku: strangely, I’d argue spanking is actually a better answer for minor transgressions than for something serious like that.

Especially if the kid doesn’t seem to know if they did something wrong.

Edited by Protagonist506 on Jan 24th 2019 at 3:11:23 AM

It's actually a teaching certification. The full name is Early Childhood Instructional Specialty. It's a certification that's granted after completing a set of young child centered courses. I've taken Health & Wellness, The Developing Child, Educating Young Children, and I'm currently in Child Guidance and performing my teaching Co-op at a chidlren's center. I mostly work with the Tots and the Two's.

After this semester is up I'll have two more courses before completion. It's a lot of work, lots of research and writing, and daily childcare in general takes a lot of energy, but it's the most rewarding thing I've ever done.

Edited by Zanthype on Jan 24th 2019 at 3:54:51 AM

Here's a big one. Probably the biggest child development related issue in the public eye other than spanking: Formula vs Breast Milk.

Last semester we heavily discussed the declining of breast feeding among young mothers and why that's happening. A big factor was that modern young women are in the work force more and more and most (both single and in a long term relationship) can't afford to stay home with the baby. This results in young women choosing not to breast feed because the work place isn't 'mommy friendly' and it's often viewed by the mom and her employer as an interference.

"Mommy shaming" was another big issue and young mom's fear the public backlash and shame of being in a situation where they need to breast feed in public.

This next one surprised me however, and was one of the biggest reasons cited in the surveys we studied: Young mothers genuinely believe that formula is equal to or even better than breast milk. It's apparently been a huge issue that a lot of child development professionals are trying to deal with, because young mom's are opting out of breastfeeding because they're under the impression that it doesn't make a difference, when that seriously isn't the case.

And while a fed baby is the best kind of baby, it's undeniable that breast milk comes with a ton of benefits like nutrients and disease protection from the mother that formula cannot recreate. I think we should support women and their decision to breast feed or formula feed, but I think we also need to make sure that women are aware of their options and the benefits that breastfeeding offers their child so that the mother can make an informed decision.

(Just going to add that a big resource we used in class was Health, Safety and Nutrition in Early Education 6th Edition if you'd like to read on these things in much more detail.)

Edited by Zanthype on Jan 24th 2019 at 5:44:46 AM