Parenting

Can you be a little more specific? Maybe if we knew more precisely what you need to know someone could provide a more helpful answer.

Okay. I'm wondering if my parents' treatment of me may have given me borderline personality disorder.

• In 2004, dad screamed at my face and trashed a glass vase because I refused to drink pineapple juice out of fear that it'd taste bad.
• In 2006, mom screamed and yelled at me and made me feel like utter shit for forgetting to do my homework.
• In 2007, I had done something I don't remember which, that led dad to get angry at me and ground me. Mom invited me to watch a movie with her on the bedroom to try and cheer me up a little, but we barely started watching and dad found out about this, and turned off the TV while smugly telling me my punishment affected not just the computer, but the TV as well. I got panicked and angry, and started hitting him with about the same strength as a physically frail 7 year old, then he threw me on the bed and started beating me as mom calmly walked out of the room pretending nothing was happening.
• In 2008, mom humiliated me in front of house guests by slapping me very hard in the butt for eating at the table without pulling a chair to sit down, which I had done out of "protest" because I was the only one forced to eat at the table while everyone else ate in the couch. (kid me thought that it was an adult thing to eat in the couch and that only babies and little kids ate in the table)
• In 2012:
  • I had done something that really pissed dad off, and after chasing me around the tight apartment before finally catching me and beating me once again, I snuckt into the bathroom with a book of mine and locked myself there to try and calm down. He noticed I had done that, and started pounding and kicking at the door while screaming at me to open it otherwise he'd tear my computer to pieces. When I unlocked the door and he saw my face of anger with sad tears, he told me I was a mentally deranged psychopath who belonged in an asylum, and took photos of me in that state saying he'd head to a mental institution and show them photos of his "mentally ill" son.^note He never actually did that. I figure he'd get arrested for child abuse if he did. Kinda wish that happened.
  • I once got a 42% in math. My reaction was to almost commit suicide just to avoid dad's wrath. I still remember my 12-year old self holding that huge butcher knife and trying to muster the courage to stab myself, but failing because of my fear of pain, and how mom indocrinated me into believing that those who commit suicide are sentenced to hell for "daring to disrespect God by throwing away the life He lovingly gave them".
• In 2014: (split in multiple parts because it's huge)
  • Dad was forcing me to spend my summer break^note December-January because southern hemisphere studying very hard to do an equally hard entry exam to join a pretty prestigious high school.^note He's always obsessed about me getting good grades and hates how I'm not 120% dedicated like he is. And contrary to what he says, he's like this not because he genuinely wants me to get a good future, but just so he can brag to his friends and coworkers about how he has a super dedicated and super smart son, because he feels extremely jealous when he learns about others' kids being ultra dedicated. Because of my ADHD, me studying for any longer than 10 minutes is practically Mission: Impossible, and I almost always found myself tabbing out from the video classes he forced me to watch, to cruise the internet instead, much to his anger.
  • Eventually, he and mom had to go somewhere, but he was pissed enough to yank out my computer's wifi antenna^note The internet modem at that time was too far to be connected by wires, and the computer's built-in wifi sucked and hide it somewhere in the apartment, angrily telling me to not put it back. When he left, I still kept studying without putting it back in and slacking off due to the threat, but I was still pissed about how he hid the wifi, especially cause the video classes would eventually end anyway. I went looking for it to at least figure out where it was, and found it.
  • My late-14 year old self decided to "protest" by putting the antenna somewhere else(his closet drawer). I still watched all of the video classes and was still watching when he came back - first thing he did was storm over to me to check if I was still studying. Then he went to check the place he put the antenna, and didn't find it. He asked me where I put it, and I told him. He took it, and asked: "Where is the hammer?".
  • He grabbed it, put the wifi antenna on top of a granite surface, and told me "Let this be a lesson for you to NEVER disrespect me again." Cue him completely destroying the antenna as he forced me to watch, chunks of shrapnel hitting my face all the while. Then him screaming at the top of his lungs about how I'm a mistake that never should've been conceived, how I always have zero respect for authorities, and how much he wanted to dump me on the side of the road at night and let me starve to death as a hobo.
• In 2015, my parents flat-out told me I don't deserve free will, and that as long as I'm under their roof, they're in their full right to force me to do whatever they want, and railroad me into only ever acheiving the future they want me to achieve. Oh, and that I am not allowed to move out.
• 2016, 2017 and 2018 all had their own cases of abuse from both mom and dad that I can't be arsed to type them all because this is big enough and gets the point across.

I say this because, while I am most definitely NOT self-diagnosing(I'd look for a therapist or a professional, but my parents won't let me because they say they're useless and the only change comes from God), I sincerely display a lot of sympthoms from Borderline Personality Disorder^note the only ones I don't display are lack of empathy(my friends say I'm actually pretty good at empathy), committing self-harm(but I seriously wish to sometimes), and self-destructive habits like drugs and drinking alcohol. I never could 'cause I've always been underage, and don't plan to start any time soon as seen here.

I already suspect I developed a poor memory over this as a way to cope with all the trauma - can't feel traumatized if you don't remember what happened. (I genuinely forgot I dealt with physical abuse as well as emotional until some time ago) But it doesn't really prevent the memories of the worst cases, nor does it stop me from gaining bad habits due to their treatment of me.

I only learned that they were actually abusive to me sometime in mid-2016^note They brainwashed me into thinking they were actually "lenient" on me for things like "At least we let you use the computer for as long as you do; back in our age, you'd have been banned from using it for life MANY years ago", and I wish I learned earlier. A lot of trauma would've been avoided. When I learned about it, it was too late to report it to authorities or something because I was already 16, so it was too late as child protection services would pretty much focus on the younger kids who are at bigger risk. I also wouldn't have many other places to go to. Plus, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm attached to them.

edited 15th Feb '18 4:44:50 PM by Minmus

Sick of everything.

Borderline personality disorder sounds like an actual diagnosis, something nobody here can give you, the few qualified mental health professionals here can’t carry out an assessment via a web forum.

Trauma can do serious things to a person, the best way to gain an understanding of how your trauma has impacted you is to go to a professional.

If your parents are denying you medical care (which mental health does fall under) than I suggest you either go to resources at your school or (assuming you’re under 18) look into speaking to either CPS or a local equivelent of Childline (a U.K. charity for abused children to call).

edited 15th Feb '18 5:32:27 PM by Silasw

“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran

I fear that calling a hotline for that is simply going to stunt or compromise my few hopes of getting a good future, since I'm not sure where I'd end up in. (I'm already 18.) Also, I live in Brazil, so the majority of public services are gonna be underfunded and strained.

Sick of everything.

If you’re an adult than your best bet is getting independent control over your life, largely that means financial independence, then you can start looking into healthcare options.

“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran

You need to start figuring out a way to get out of there. I honestly don't know how difficult that is in Brazil; were you American I'd be recommending alternatives like the military, or peace corps, or even applying to every scholarship under the sun. But staying in your current situation is just going to lead to further abuse from your parents (and make no mistake, they are and have been abusing you). If possible, call your child protective services people, and lay out how they have abused you, because unless you're The Un-Favorite, they're probably abusing your younger siblings as well.

That’s the epitome of privilege right there, not considering armed nazis a threat to your life. - Silasw

Even golden children tend to be being abused, it’s a more roundabout way but making a child totally dependent on you, destroying their ability to be a functioning adult by doing everything for them, and teaching them unhealthy social attitudes that will ensure they make lots of enemies, that’s still abuse.

“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran

Perhaps my wording was poor; my point was it's kind of rare for parents to only abuse one child. So if this stuff is happening to our troper, other abuse is almost assuredly happening to his siblings as well, albeit probably not the same abuse.

That’s the epitome of privilege right there, not considering armed nazis a threat to your life. - Silasw

Oh I agree, my point was an additional point that even if they’re The Un-Favourite any other siblings are probably still also being abused.

edited 15th Feb '18 7:22:28 PM by Silasw

“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran

I'm an only child. Not sure if I qualify as a golden child or anything. (I've been on r/raisedbynarcissists before.) I'm still in high school until the end of this year, there's really not many work opportunities for me. Especially with the recession; lots of places are not willing to hire graduated adults looking to work full time, let alone a high school student who'll have to work short shifts.

Sick of everything.

It is all too possible to be an unfavorite even as an only child.

Disgusted, but not surprised

Well, they aren't exactly assholes to me all the time. When they're not, they're alright people.^note And that makes me feel awful about badmouthing them in the internet or wanting to ditch them. Though most often the former. As for escaping, I mentioned my "escape plan" on the College thread over in Yack Fest last year, alongside the troubles and issues with it.

Sick of everything.

As someone who hasn't gone through this myself, but has had friends and family members who have, that does not matter. Most people are 'alright' at least some of the time. But if they're hurting you, they are hurting you. It isn't okay.

Yeah, good point. It's what I do to convince myself to snap out of my guilt.

Anyway, I hope that this plan I linked will work. Staying with them has already done a number on my emotional state, staying for much longer is going to be even worse. And even if that plan works, it'll be until mid-late 2019 'til I can get out.

Sick of everything.

Good luck.

Good luck! Also, if you need environmental science advice, I'm doing a degree in environmental geoscience and I've done some database work on Canadian endangered species, I might be able to help a little.

This SMBC comic is heartbreaking.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Yeah.

So a new push in Britain is exposing kids to careful, safe amounts of risk, by adding more things at playgrounds and schools that have a slight potential for harm, to better serve as teaching tools to children on how to judge risk. There's one really special part of the article however that I need to bold. ^{Full article text} From text copy of NY Times, emphasis mine.

Sorry, lemme repeat that last part: a kindergartner nearby had fashioned a catapult, stacking seven bricks on one end of a wooden plank and jumping onto the other end, sending the bricks flying over the heads of his playmates. If your idea of "a safe and limited amount of risk" is "flinging bricks at my childrens' heads," then I cordially invite you to go fuck yourself. ^note I have no problem with most of the other stuff - it sounds like most of the Cub Scout activities my kids have gone through.

That’s the epitome of privilege right there, not considering armed nazis a threat to your life. - Silasw

Seems like that program still has a few bugs in it. I like the general idea, but I wonder how they handle liability. Its only a matter of time, you know, until some kid gets hurt.

…and when the kids inevitably end up getting ahold of these when the adults aren't watching? Because unless you put them under lock and key every time you finish using them in a school full of barely school aged kids it will happen.

The whole point is that the kids are going to get access to knives and such at some point anyway, so if we teach them now to respect the knives and sue them sadly they are less likely to get hurt.

The catapult is stupid, nto even because the idea of building a catapult is bad, but because it’s badly done (bricks should not be the payload, a football at most) and being used badly.

Unless by bricks they actully mean wooden blocks that are used by small children, but even then.

My position is probably no surprise, I had a crossbow age 11 at my school and half the kids had machetes in their rooms for going into the woods, the only thing you needed adult supervision for all all ages was the electric saw in the wood shop.

“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran

Again, I like how Cub Scouts does this. Kids can earn the privilege (called a "chit") to use knives/axes/fire, which they do by demonstrating that they know proper use and safety. They are then authorized to use those dangerous items on their own^note though usually there's an adult somewhere around, though not directly supervising them during use, and demonstrating improper use gets your chit marked, and then taken away on a repeat offense. There's no reason that couldn't be adapted for a day care or park program. You can hurt someone by hitting them hard enough with a pillow, and that's still loads safer than hurling bricks - whether stone or wood - at children. Because we all know, inevitably, there's going to be that kid who's doing it deliberately.

That’s the epitome of privilege right there, not considering armed nazis a threat to your life. - Silasw

Yeah in the end the catapult should operate under standard ranged weapon rules, no firing or even loading it if anyone is down range of the weapon, that’s how we had to operate, we could also only shoot bows or such in one large field where you could be certain nobody was around about to walk about from behind a tree.

Some things certainly need tidying up about this, but the idea isn’t bad, it’s just, seriously, who thought letting a kid fire a capapult with others down range was a good idea?

I’m kinda assuming small enough class sizes that the catapult can’t be used maliciously, so I’m not considering that as a risk.

edited 11th Mar '18 1:39:12 PM by Silasw

“And the Bunny nails it!” ~ Gabrael “If the UN can get through a day without everyone strangling everyone else so can we.” ~ Cyran

Sadly, that argument, while it has merit if done properly, probably wouldnt impress the insurance companies, or the courts. But bringing up the Boy Scouts is pertinent—they handle it by having the parents sign waivers.