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Dec Stayin' Alive from The Dance Floor Since: Aug, 2009
Stayin' Alive
#751: May 1st 2011 at 3:10:04 AM

@Cygan: Yeah, I think it does. He sounds rather young and inexperienced, at least with the undead. From what I know of RL priests, most of them have already been run through the wringer when it comes to their religious views, and already have answers to moral quandaries like the one the undead woman presented. At most I'd say he's only had the job for a few years.

edited 1st May '11 3:10:35 AM by Dec

Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit Deviantart.
CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#752: May 1st 2011 at 9:51:27 AM

Logically sound, but Anvilicious.

Meant to be ;)

@ Dec: Excellent. Got everything across then- good to know I'm passable there.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
Leradny Since: Jan, 2001
#753: May 1st 2011 at 11:20:54 AM

Well, it was very informative, but that much exposition crammed into such a small space makes it less of a story and more of a textbook. A very interesting textbook, but still.

Your sentence structure is overwhelmingly static, which contributes to the coldness. "Subject verbed object", or "Subject verbed adverb...ly". Mix it up a bit more.

The paragraphs are composed mostly of dialogue and very short, you don't describe their surroundings at all, or what the characters look like, and that coupled with the mention that it is nighttime, means I get a few vague figures wandering about talking to each other on a blank black screen.

Problem:

He opened his mouth to speak, but is interrupted

So yeah, just a little more tinkering and this will be both interesting and fun to read.

edited 1st May '11 11:21:17 AM by Leradny

CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#754: May 1st 2011 at 8:17:40 PM

It's not meant to be read, though- it's me writing out a scene from a video game.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
Leradny Since: Jan, 2001
#755: May 1st 2011 at 8:27:18 PM

Oh. Why didn't you write it out in script format then, and say so?

Also, even if it's not formal prose, you'll still want to describe surroundings and junk.

CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#756: May 1st 2011 at 8:35:41 PM

I did say so-

Tell me- Would this, done out in a game-style cutscene,

And the reason I didn't do it up in script format is for ease of writing and reading. It's a lot of easier for me to write it out like this than it is to write it out in script fashion, and people tell me it's easier to read, too.

As for the description- well, it's included in the original document. But you don't want to see that- I have to write it up in absurd detail.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
QQQQQ from Canada Since: Jul, 2011
#757: May 1st 2011 at 9:21:42 PM

@Cygan: I see where you're going, to imply the priest as a newcomer, now you mention it. The way it comes off for me is that Ellen has changed his belief a bit too easily. It's more like you (Ze Author(R)) has visibly fudged him into changing with this one little argument. Religion I think has a self-supporting belief system — God exists because the miracles occur and the good things which do exist can be attributed to Him. The priest could have easily argued that he considers Necromancy unnatural because it forces life into a rotting, crippled corpse and likely the resurrected soul undergoes such suffering. Which God shies away from. Try making Ellen's convincing more gradual, and let the priest show more and more doubt exponentially; like being pushed off the cliff's edge.

Here I have a snippet — I wonder if I've done the atmosphere and mood well:

The block looks so orange and pink from the sunset fading. In the immediate west is the waters and the sun with the other side of the street like a blotch in a fanciful watercolour. Pointy-eared gondolas sail the calm current and make wavering ripples across the second sky. Sometimes these boats come across brooding goose and there will come fluttering wings, the birds glide momentarily to perch atop the bobbing markers. Parents with their young children look over from the fence and throw bread crumbs to the more demanding goose.

Past the river fence lie cafes in the darker shadows, holographic signs eyecatchingly sharp as lasers, umbrellas beneath the trees and their customers chat by chairs and tables. Oftentimes shifting focus with their jeejahs. A lone personage sits at a black bench, who loudly talks to friends unseen behind his all-connecting vroggle. Because hey, it beats having imaginary friends, doesn't it?

Quon has to stop herself on the sidewalk one and two times, among passing people, so to catch another whiff of these dark aromas of hot coffee. It is a seductive smell. Vanilla and cacao, and a touch of cherries. She looks at the windows, trying to see what is inside; but the bright glare reflected distracts – there is an ice cream stand just outside the door.

edited 1st May '11 9:27:55 PM by QQQQQ

CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#758: May 1st 2011 at 10:03:49 PM

He doesn't end up convinced, though- and he eventually shakes Ellen's beliefs, too. It's not as black and white as she's trying to make it seem.

The priest could have easily argued that he considers Necromancy unnatural because it forces life into a rotting, crippled corpse and likely the resurrected soul undergoes such suffering.

Bleh. I may have to make a thread for this if it keeps up, but- that's not how it works here; their bodies are preserved as they were at the time of their resurrection. I.e. Ellen's fully normal on the outside, but on the inside, she's still diseased; others are rotten and falling apart; and others are just healthy and had a heart attack.

But at the same time, the reason Necromancy is so wrong is that, well, death is natural. You can seek to prevent it; but Necromancy breaches that wall between life and death, which is half the reason for the conflict within the story )they're bringing back Underworld creatures every time Necromancy is performed.)

But thern again, God has not given anyone permission to use White Magic- in fact, He implicitly disapproves of it, as use of it transforms the user's soul into an alien being with different morals...

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
AirofMystery Since: Jan, 2001
#759: May 1st 2011 at 11:40:46 PM

[up]That clears things up better. As just a part of a greater whole, I don't think we got enough information to get that all clearly.

[up]QQQ: That's a good snippet. I'm interested.

CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#760: May 1st 2011 at 11:43:52 PM

Yeah... I didn't really expect people to try and analyze it.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
AirofMystery Since: Jan, 2001
#761: May 1st 2011 at 11:51:10 PM

We're tropers, Cygan. It's what we do.

CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#762: May 2nd 2011 at 12:29:20 AM

Fuck, you're right.

I should prolly start a thread on this if people are interested.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
AirofMystery Since: Jan, 2001
#763: May 2nd 2011 at 1:02:11 AM

Sounds pretty good.

Also, everybody, question: how many words do your chapters tend to be? It's just my fanfic chapters seem to tend to take forever to write. I've got six chapters and 70,000 words so far. Is that normal?

CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#764: May 2nd 2011 at 1:03:01 AM

That's about normal, assuming the average of that is... yeah.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
AirofMystery Since: Jan, 2001
animemetalhead Runs on Awesomeness from Ashwood Landing, ME Since: Apr, 2010
Runs on Awesomeness
#766: May 2nd 2011 at 1:52:36 AM

Geez. My chapters are really short, usually 1800-2500 words, occasionally one of them will break 3000.

Though, I suppose I'll have to work on that if I plan on actually completing Na No Wri Mo this year.

No one believes me when I say angels can turn their panties into guns.
Dec Stayin' Alive from The Dance Floor Since: Aug, 2009
Stayin' Alive
#767: May 2nd 2011 at 2:02:10 AM

Well, its definitely normal for me. My current chapter one revision comes out to about 9k, and that's after having already cut out another 2k. Probably not the healthiest length for an actual book chapter, but I do so love fics with a fuck-ton of words…

Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit Deviantart.
AirofMystery Since: Jan, 2001
#768: May 2nd 2011 at 2:22:54 AM

[up][up]Don't feel bad. In an entire year, I've written and updated a grand total of 6 chapters of that fic.

OhSoIntoCats from The Sand Wastes Since: Oct, 2011 Relationship Status: Showing feelings of an almost human nature
#769: May 2nd 2011 at 6:18:59 AM

Jesus guys! Some of my chapters are less than a hundred words! ...I read too much Vonnegut as a child.

And crap, I'm questioning whether the nonhuman in my Interspecies Romance is even capable of sex. He can't really eat, and sleeping is very difficult for him, so...

CrystalGlacia from at least we're not detroit (Living Relic)
#770: May 2nd 2011 at 6:33:57 AM

He should have some way to reproduce, unless he has some kind of a defect that's left him sterile.

"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
OhSoIntoCats from The Sand Wastes Since: Oct, 2011 Relationship Status: Showing feelings of an almost human nature
#771: May 2nd 2011 at 6:38:44 AM

Well, so far what I'm going with is that what the main character can see is pretty much purely cosmetic, and part of some kind of being that's much larger and resides outside the universe. While the creature-outside-our-universe probably has some method of reproduction, I'm guessing, the one in love with the MC isn't the whole creature. It's like, while your pinky finger can do many sexy things, it can't exactly get erections. If this makes any sense... which it probably doesn't.

edited 2nd May '11 6:38:56 AM by OhSoIntoCats

Dec Stayin' Alive from The Dance Floor Since: Aug, 2009
Stayin' Alive
#772: May 2nd 2011 at 8:49:39 AM

^ It makes sense to me, I think. Basically, they might technically be able to reproduce and/or have sex, but not in any way that's compatible physically or… I don't know, plane of existence-wise, with the human?

Also, I am oddly reminded of this picture. Not that that's at all helpful.

Wrote about 200 words really early this morning, and in the process created a new character. Even managed to draw a nice picture of her. This pleases me.

Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit Deviantart.
OhSoIntoCats from The Sand Wastes Since: Oct, 2011 Relationship Status: Showing feelings of an almost human nature
#773: May 2nd 2011 at 9:00:01 AM

[up]I'm kind of afraid. Is the picture safe for work?

Either way, yeah, it's an issue, because if he can reproduce it's not compatible on the plane of existence as the MC — or he may be unable to all together but the entity he's a part of would be able to (think of Yuki herself vs. the Data Overmind in Haruhi Suzumiya, I guess). There's a lot of biological functions that he doesn't need to do (breathe), can't do (digest food), or finds very difficult (sleeping). Or worse, he might be able to have sex, but may be unable to derive enjoyment from it except making the MC happy.

edited 2nd May '11 9:00:20 AM by OhSoIntoCats

Dec Stayin' Alive from The Dance Floor Since: Aug, 2009
Stayin' Alive
#774: May 2nd 2011 at 9:09:54 AM

Yeah, its safe for work — just some silly picture off of deviantart that's only half-relevant to what you're talking about.

I can't think of anything that would be really helpful to your quandary though, other than thinking really hard about how the false human visage is created. Like defining if it really is a pinky finger, or if the pinky finger is being put inside of a finger puppet, and then defining what the puppet is made of. Or something like that.

edited 2nd May '11 9:14:20 AM by Dec

Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit Deviantart.
OhSoIntoCats from The Sand Wastes Since: Oct, 2011 Relationship Status: Showing feelings of an almost human nature
#775: May 2nd 2011 at 9:18:38 AM

[up] Okay, yeah, that picture is totally relevant. *bookmarks* lol

It's kind of like how Harry Dresden says — it wasn't sex. You can't have sex with a storm. Then again, Zeus would disagree...


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