Well, it was very informative, but that much exposition crammed into such a small space makes it less of a story and more of a textbook. A very interesting textbook, but still.
Your sentence structure is overwhelmingly static, which contributes to the coldness. "Subject verbed object", or "Subject verbed adverb...ly". Mix it up a bit more.
The paragraphs are composed mostly of dialogue and very short, you don't describe their surroundings at all, or what the characters look like, and that coupled with the mention that it is nighttime, means I get a few vague figures wandering about talking to each other on a blank black screen.
Problem:
So yeah, just a little more tinkering and this will be both interesting and fun to read.
edited 1st May '11 11:21:17 AM by Leradny
I did say so-
And the reason I didn't do it up in script format is for ease of writing and reading. It's a lot of easier for me to write it out like this than it is to write it out in script fashion, and people tell me it's easier to read, too.
As for the description- well, it's included in the original document. But you don't want to see that- I have to write it up in absurd detail.
There are too many toasters in my chimney!@Cygan: I see where you're going, to imply the priest as a newcomer, now you mention it. The way it comes off for me is that Ellen has changed his belief a bit too easily. It's more like you (Ze Author(R)) has visibly fudged him into changing with this one little argument. Religion I think has a self-supporting belief system — God exists because the miracles occur and the good things which do exist can be attributed to Him. The priest could have easily argued that he considers Necromancy unnatural because it forces life into a rotting, crippled corpse and likely the resurrected soul undergoes such suffering. Which God shies away from. Try making Ellen's convincing more gradual, and let the priest show more and more doubt exponentially; like being pushed off the cliff's edge.
Here I have a snippet — I wonder if I've done the atmosphere and mood well:
Past the river fence lie cafes in the darker shadows, holographic signs eyecatchingly sharp as lasers, umbrellas beneath the trees and their customers chat by chairs and tables. Oftentimes shifting focus with their jeejahs. A lone personage sits at a black bench, who loudly talks to friends unseen behind his all-connecting vroggle. Because hey, it beats having imaginary friends, doesn't it?
Quon has to stop herself on the sidewalk one and two times, among passing people, so to catch another whiff of these dark aromas of hot coffee. It is a seductive smell. Vanilla and cacao, and a touch of cherries. She looks at the windows, trying to see what is inside; but the bright glare reflected distracts – there is an ice cream stand just outside the door.
edited 1st May '11 9:27:55 PM by QQQQQ
He doesn't end up convinced, though- and he eventually shakes Ellen's beliefs, too. It's not as black and white as she's trying to make it seem.
Bleh. I may have to make a thread for this if it keeps up, but- that's not how it works here; their bodies are preserved as they were at the time of their resurrection. I.e. Ellen's fully normal on the outside, but on the inside, she's still diseased; others are rotten and falling apart; and others are just healthy and had a heart attack.
But at the same time, the reason Necromancy is so wrong is that, well, death is natural. You can seek to prevent it; but Necromancy breaches that wall between life and death, which is half the reason for the conflict within the story )they're bringing back Underworld creatures every time Necromancy is performed.)
But thern again, God has not given anyone permission to use White Magic- in fact, He implicitly disapproves of it, as use of it transforms the user's soul into an alien being with different morals...
There are too many toasters in my chimney!Geez. My chapters are really short, usually 1800-2500 words, occasionally one of them will break 3000.
Though, I suppose I'll have to work on that if I plan on actually completing Na No Wri Mo this year.
No one believes me when I say angels can turn their panties into guns.Well, its definitely normal for me. My current chapter one revision comes out to about 9k, and that's after having already cut out another 2k. Probably not the healthiest length for an actual book chapter, but I do so love fics with a fuck-ton of words…
Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit Deviantart.Jesus guys! Some of my chapters are less than a hundred words! ...I read too much Vonnegut as a child.
And crap, I'm questioning whether the nonhuman in my Interspecies Romance is even capable of sex. He can't really eat, and sleeping is very difficult for him, so...
Well, so far what I'm going with is that what the main character can see is pretty much purely cosmetic, and part of some kind of being that's much larger and resides outside the universe. While the creature-outside-our-universe probably has some method of reproduction, I'm guessing, the one in love with the MC isn't the whole creature. It's like, while your pinky finger can do many sexy things, it can't exactly get erections. If this makes any sense... which it probably doesn't.
edited 2nd May '11 6:38:56 AM by OhSoIntoCats
^ It makes sense to me, I think. Basically, they might technically be able to reproduce and/or have sex, but not in any way that's compatible physically or… I don't know, plane of existence-wise, with the human?
Also, I am oddly reminded of this picture.
Not that that's at all helpful.
Wrote about 200 words really early this morning, and in the process created a new character. Even managed to draw a nice picture of her. This pleases me.
Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit Deviantart.
I'm kind of afraid. Is the picture safe for work?
Either way, yeah, it's an issue, because if he can reproduce it's not compatible on the plane of existence as the MC — or he may be unable to all together but the entity he's a part of would be able to (think of Yuki herself vs. the Data Overmind in Haruhi Suzumiya, I guess). There's a lot of biological functions that he doesn't need to do (breathe), can't do (digest food), or finds very difficult (sleeping). Or worse, he might be able to have sex, but may be unable to derive enjoyment from it except making the MC happy.
edited 2nd May '11 9:00:20 AM by OhSoIntoCats
Yeah, its safe for work — just some silly picture off of deviantart that's only half-relevant to what you're talking about.
I can't think of anything that would be really helpful to your quandary though, other than thinking really hard about how the false human visage is created. Like defining if it really is a pinky finger, or if the pinky finger is being put inside of a finger puppet, and then defining what the puppet is made of. Or something like that.
edited 2nd May '11 9:14:20 AM by Dec
Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit Deviantart.

@Cygan: Yeah, I think it does. He sounds rather young and inexperienced, at least with the undead. From what I know of RL priests, most of them have already been run through the wringer when it comes to their religious views, and already have answers to moral quandaries like the one the undead woman presented. At most I'd say he's only had the job for a few years.
edited 1st May '11 3:10:35 AM by Dec
Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit Deviantart.