Following up on that "mandatory party", it turns out that the "party" is another store meeting... which does precisely dick for third shift, as it's always been about direct customer service that stockers don't do unless they're running behind (store is closed with the stockers inside, who fill and/or straighten up the shelves while customers aren't present).
On the up-side, though, the meetings are on the clock, so that's an extra hour or so on the paycheck, in exchange for practicing sleeping with your eyes open.
I guess the break was too good to last.
I had my performance evaluation today, and given that certain shenanigans occurred in the last posting (more than one event, which I've talked about ad infinitum), my report was, shall we say... less than satisfactory. I'm allowed to pass and move on to the next year of the programme, on the condition that I see a counsellor / psychiatrist about my social anxiety disorder, which was apparently more problematic than I realised if the feedback was any indication. The problem's not with my knowledge, but it appears that what we've got here is a failure to communicate. (That, and my tendency to panic while under time pressure or stress, which is also related.) This also means that I'll probably need to delay my exams - not that I was actually on a fixed timeline, but I need to get my head on straight before wasting my money on an exam-induced nervous breakdown.
...Funny. I should be happy I passed in the first case, and yet I'm still the same scared little !@#$ that I was 20 years ago. Or maybe I've just been burned by so many families and patients and other doctors recently that I've given up talking reasonably to people anymore. And not that I'd ever dare to do it, but if it comes down to the crunch, I don't know whether to quit this course or this occupation or this existence. It's not like I know how to do anything else.
edited 24th Jun '13 7:25:25 AM by Pyrite
Not a substitute for a formal medical consultation.Pyrite: A friend of mine once described law school as having your personality taken apart and then put back together as a lawyer. I went to grad school as an mature adult and had the same kind of experience, except in my case, it didn't take. I didn't come out of the experience a shining example of what the school wanted its grads to become. But then, very few of us did.
I think the reality is that every profession has an idealized version of its ultimate practitioner. Some people hit a little closer to the mark than others, but it isn't unattainable. It also never hurts to remember that you are dealing with one particular institution's rules and practices. Another reviewer may see completely different things in you.
Social anxiety sucks. I've had erratic success dealing with it my entire life. One of the things that helped me (believe it or not) was acting class. But, a counselor may be a more sensible approach.
That is true, but the trouble is that when articulating coherently under pressure is a problem, it's not just the academic aspect that I get penalised on, it's also the cause of complications with laymen - and the problem escalates to the societal rather than the professional scale. And it's even worse when you can't act coherently. The vultures will swarm.
For a person with a lifelong fear of screwing up - knowing that it's potentially a matter of life and death on one hand, and knowing that you're always one screw-up away from ending up on the wrong end of a malpractice / negligence suit on the other, and (running out of hands here) the remnants of a "perfection or nothing" attitude which I've struggled with all my life - this mess is a !@#$ing pain. I think the paranoia's getting to me, because I'm almost afraid of talking to people these days because every damn time I open my mouth, I get into trouble.
...You know, now that I'm actually typing this out, I guess I really do need a counsellor after all.
edited 24th Jun '13 8:52:20 AM by Pyrite
Not a substitute for a formal medical consultation.True enough about the "acting coherently" part. Mr. Bean in the hospital in real life would be terrifying. There are some areas of medical practice that aren't quite so "life or death", would one of those be acceptable if you find you just can't do this kind?
I keep thinking of Nick Wallenda crossing that canyon last night. [1]
Oi, now I'm offended. The day I reach Mr Bean levels of incompetence, I hope I'll have enough residual dignity to choke myself to death with my license.
Jokes aside, I'm angling for a less high-stakes specialty, but one has to pay the price to get there, and I'm not sure I can afford it at this rate.
Tightrope walker: Brave man, even if it's not for everyone.
edited 24th Jun '13 9:12:06 AM by Pyrite
Not a substitute for a formal medical consultation.Oh yeah, I guess that canyon cross was a success, since the internet wasn't plastered with "Nik Wallenda RIP".
I thought it was rather silly that Mythbusters devoted an entire episode to being Man vs. Wild in order to promote the special. Discovery Channel: everything is Mythbusters, a bad clone of Mythbusters, hosted by the Mythbusters, or cross-promoted with a Mythbusters special. Discovery: we've got all our eggs in one basket.
Fresh-eyed movie blogThe total discussion of the event between husband and self last night was:
"Boy, I'm glad I wasn't born a Wallenda."
"Yeah, not the family business I would pick."
I do not understand the chairman of my department. She emailed me this morning to offer me two classes for the fall semester that are already on the books with students enrolled. I'm trying to shake her down for a third class.

Todays headlines: It turns out that running into burning buildings is one of the most amazingly awesome and exciting things one can do with one's time. I'm surprised more folk don't do it.
'All he needs is for somebody to throw handgrenades at him for the rest of his life...'