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GameSpazzer The Beta Male from Against! The! Wall! Since: Jun, 2010
The Beta Male
#929401: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:08:30 AM

It's a burnt-out husk that you've taken everything from. There are people starving in the streets.

You've been wandering around that forest. Do they have those on Earth anymore? They used to. Maybe you burnt everything worth keeping to the ground in the name of the Emperor.

MY SOUL IS DARK BUT MY HAIR IS COLORFUL — Brahian Pokémon Alchemist
MacDuffy from Enies Lobby Since: Jun, 2011 Relationship Status: Drift compatible
#929402: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:08:52 AM

....?

-Headtilt-

Into what in what way?

SR3NORMANDY Problem Child from N/A - In constant flux Since: Jul, 2012
Problem Child
#929403: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:09:46 AM

We take that which is our birthright. Every world of every cluster must be subject to the destiny of mankind.

What if there’s no better word than just not saying anything?
thespacephantom Jamais vu from the smallest church in Saint-Saëns Since: Oct, 2009
Jamais vu
#929404: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:10:16 AM

-aww, it's a heartwarming story about... you're actually not sure-

-it's written like you're supposed to already know what these characters, settings, and events are-

-those two lead characters see to get along well?-

UN JOUR JE SERAI DE RETOUR PRÈS DE TOI
HilarityEnsues Since: Sep, 2009
#929405: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:10:41 AM

-is trying to think of how to explain this-

Do you remember your parents, and how they felt about each other? That's the sort of thing I'm talking about.

MacDuffy from Enies Lobby Since: Jun, 2011 Relationship Status: Drift compatible
HilarityEnsues Since: Sep, 2009
foxmccloud4387 Since: Mar, 2011
#929408: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:13:11 AM

(figures out the arrow keys quickly enough)

(after accidentally closing another random application)

(is now using the arrow keys to gingerly scroll down)

GameSpazzer The Beta Male from Against! The! Wall! Since: Jun, 2010
The Beta Male
#929409: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:13:34 AM

You know, most people I know don't destroy their own "birthright".

MY SOUL IS DARK BUT MY HAIR IS COLORFUL — Brahian Pokémon Alchemist
MacDuffy from Enies Lobby Since: Jun, 2011 Relationship Status: Drift compatible
thespacephantom Jamais vu from the smallest church in Saint-Saëns Since: Oct, 2009
Jamais vu
#929411: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:18:53 AM

-this is-

-very wordy and unnecessarily descriptive of minor things, in a way that kinda detracts from it overall-

-and she does the thing where she tries to avoid using the word 'said' at all, whatsoever-

UN JOUR JE SERAI DE RETOUR PRÈS DE TOI
ramuf Electric Heart from the Shining Throne Since: Jan, 2013
Electric Heart
#929412: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:19:09 AM

-Still just hanging around-

SR3NORMANDY Problem Child from N/A - In constant flux Since: Jul, 2012
Problem Child
#929413: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:20:26 AM

-She narrows her eyes-

-Meanwhile, Gracia has figured out that the collar is reacting to exertion, so she's slowly reaching up to it-

What if there’s no better word than just not saying anything?
HilarityEnsues Since: Sep, 2009
#929414: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:21:06 AM

...Your parents are the people who raised you. An orphan is someone without parents.

foxmccloud4387 Since: Mar, 2011
#929415: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:21:36 AM

(such are the aspiring poets)

(Sir Kay did constantly best her in swordplay until she was eleven, after all)

(what sorts of characters/plot can she discern from this?)

thespacephantom Jamais vu from the smallest church in Saint-Saëns Since: Oct, 2009
Jamais vu
#929416: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:24:09 AM

-it's some kind of lame romance-

-Sakura looks on expectantly to see what Arturia thinks-

UN JOUR JE SERAI DE RETOUR PRÈS DE TOI
foxmccloud4387 Since: Mar, 2011
#929417: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:27:41 AM

...It is well-structured, Sakura.

MacDuffy from Enies Lobby Since: Jun, 2011 Relationship Status: Drift compatible
#929418: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:28:26 AM

...Oh!

Well, there were those gorillas.....

thespacephantom Jamais vu from the smallest church in Saint-Saëns Since: Oct, 2009
Jamais vu
#929419: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:30:20 AM

R-really?!

...

...I mean... well, yeah, of course it is.

UN JOUR JE SERAI DE RETOUR PRÈS DE TOI
HilarityEnsues Since: Sep, 2009
#929420: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:31:36 AM

...You were raised by gorillas? Seriously?

-he can't help but think this explains way too much-

edited 16th Jun '15 12:31:59 AM by HilarityEnsues

foxmccloud4387 Since: Mar, 2011
#929421: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:32:38 AM

(nods)

Coherence is the most essential part of a story, by far.

(was that actually coherent)

MacDuffy from Enies Lobby Since: Jun, 2011 Relationship Status: Drift compatible
#929422: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:34:14 AM

Well, they taught me how to lift stuff, and climb trees, and get food and stuff!

They all died when I was still a kid, though.....

thespacephantom Jamais vu from the smallest church in Saint-Saëns Since: Oct, 2009
Jamais vu
#929423: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:35:15 AM

-certainly not to someone who isn't a fan of the work upon which it wss based-

Well... how was the dialogue? I tried making it realistic, yet exciting.

-hackneyed-

edited 16th Jun '15 12:35:30 AM by thespacephantom

UN JOUR JE SERAI DE RETOUR PRÈS DE TOI
foxmccloud4387 Since: Mar, 2011
#929425: Jun 16th 2015 at 12:38:04 AM

...Perhaps you could add just a little more buildup to the romantic gestures?


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