edited 9th Mar '11 10:39:50 PM by joeyjojo
hashtagsarestupidbe miserable for the rest of her life= bullshit. If there's one thing I hate, it's people who completely underestimate the power of humans to overcome themselves and their most immediate pulsions for the sake of higher goals. People who believe everything should be enjoyment, and the enjoyment should be gotten right now.
Obviously she should talk to him about it, because couples need to know what's going on in each other's heads. However, from what I could tell in this thread, her having lovers "on the side" is just not an option. The choice appears to be, unless her husband has Hidden Depths, the one you described. It will be a matter of her deciding whether it's Worth It to separate from her husband either before or after cheating, only to later have to struggle to get another such good man (for he is said to be a good man, unless that was a euphemism for boring) that will be accepting of her needs (something she should have made sure of beforehand), or keeping the husband and finding ways to make the sacrifice worthwile. I'm not her, I can't tell if she's being whiny and whimsical and spoiled, or if she really wants to fuck other dudes so bad she can't fucking stand it, I can't tell if she's just that weak or if it's the urges that are just that strong.
And also, as last resort, have you tried to find out if the man is a Netorare type?
Finally, drunk, I didn't intend to insult your girl friend. But marital infidelity and spouses that can't keep their junk in their pants are a Berserk Button for me. Because my father was that sort of guy, and that brought us all sorts of disgrace and trouble at home. And by that I mean some serious shit, like you wouldn't imagine.
"Sweets are good. Sweets are justice."If.. if I can't use that other thread to talk about Polyandry, can I use this one?
How do you recommend going about this?
Genkidama for Japan, even if you don't have money, you can help![1]On the married woman, let me ask a question: would anyone be sympathetic if he wanted side pussy and she was against the idea?
I hated to be judgmental but I have to agreed with Ardiente on this one. Marriage is a partnership. She brought it up and he wasn't interested. She has to live with that and either:
- break up with him
- learn to be content with one person
- slowly try to get him to change his mind
- cheat
I don't agreed with it, but I am not going to denial it: You can find happiness in an affair. But if the man is a loving husband and honouring his vows you can't exactly claim the moral high ground.
edited 10th Mar '11 12:19:06 PM by joeyjojo
hashtagsarestupid@Joey: Unfortunately, it's quite a bit more complicated than that. I also don't feel comfortable going into much more detail here, since this is Drunkscriblerian's thing.
However, I'd like to say that they're quite happy together, and have a kid. So I very much don't see her leaving him any time soon. She was also polyamorous before they married. This isn't a new thing, it's something that she's been dealing with for the past seven years.
Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful guy, and he's perfect for her... emotionally. He's a rock, an anchor, he keeps her from going off an doing stupid things. Unfortunately, she's getting the itch for something a little bit more. Not enough to abandon a husband and child, but enough that if she's had a fight or a bad day, and the right situation crops up... oh boy.
"I don't know how I do it. I'm like the Mr. Bean of sex." -DrunkscriblerianI've noticed that anywhere the subject of polyamory comes up, so does the mention of requisite greater quantities of "honesty and communication". Can anyone explain to me what this is about? With examples or something? Last I was aware, not lying to people isn't generally difficult, and when it is, something's wrong somewhere.
Signed, Knowingly inexperienced and naive individual
@Garbeld: While lying isn't difficult, being completely open in communication isn't something most couples do.
For example, in most monogamous relationships: A man is at the bar, and a woman comes up and starts flirting with him. Even if he turns her down, he's not going to go home to his girlfriend and say "Hey, this was interesting. A hot woman was flirting with me at the bar tonight.".
In poly relationships, you have to be able to talk about stuff like that without being offended or offput. Because of the additional complications involved, you have to know exactly where your partners' boundaries lie.
Using myself as an example, I don't much care who Drunkscriblerian flirts/sleeps with, but I certainly appreciate hearing about who he made out with, who flirted with him, etc. so that if I have an unexpected problem with what he did, we can discuss why and how to avoid it so it doesn't keep happening.
Being able to communicate desires and problems is a sort of a protection against things that tear normal relationships apart.
"I don't know how I do it. I'm like the Mr. Bean of sex." -DrunkscriblerianWell, she signed up for this marriage knowing that he was going to expect monogamy out of it. She ought to have enough self control to either leave him over it, or just deal with being a one-man-woman. Either way they should talk about it.
I honestly can't buy "Boo-hoo, how can I stand not being able to sleep with other people?". Either control yourself, or leave the marriage.
And I would view the situation exactly the same regardless of the sex of either partner.
Be not afraid...@joey: Absolutely I would. If she forced him to cheat, I'd tell him to go for it too.
Or, really, what I'm saying is not that she should cheat; rather, if he can't deal with this, she will cheat. And that would be just as true if the genders were reversed, and he would be just as sympathetic as she would.
A lot of it, it strikes me, is that people think they can change in order to be what someone they want wants them to be. Someone inclined to betting wouldn't lose much by betting that people won't change, no matter how badly they want to.
It's all well and good saying that she should change her nature because it's what she signed up for, and I think she was foolish to do it, but statistically speaking she's unlikely to manage to change.
Also, the change that's easier is a starting. You can awaken new parts of your nature. You can't easily turn off parts of your nature, and that is forever going to be a weak point, waiting only for a time of stress, poor judgment or extreme temptation.
It's a land mine in their relationship. Sooner or later someone will step on it and it'll go off.
Does he know that she felt this way? Or has she let him believe that she was monogamous by nature?
A brighter future for a darker age.@Morven: He knows about this aspect of her personality; he'd have to be a moron not to. And what you just described is precisely why this is eating at her so. She knows that, given the proper impetuous of temptation, she'll succumb. It's not a question of if, but when. And that scares her, because she does not want to hurt her husband.
But no, he had to know who he was marrying when he married her. I think he assumed (like a lot of people do) that she'd "grow out of it". Considering she was in a poly relationship (with me) when he met her, his not knowing is very unlikely.
Thanks for asking a very important question, by the way.
@Ardiente: That's fair. People being as judgmental as you were in post #205 with as little information as you've got is a pretty shiny red button as well. However, I'll leave it at "I think you're wrong, and your statement is a dangerous oversimplification" rather than rise to the bait.
@Everyone else: I find it odd that y'all are making judgments without asking for further data. Dangerous thing to do.
edited 10th Mar '11 7:54:18 PM by drunkscriblerian
If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed. ~Cora M. Strayer~I apologise if I came across as condemning, Scribble.
While it was perhaps a little tactless of me to write it point form, your friend at the end of the day does has basically four options. Stick it out. See men on the side. Try to get him to warm to the idea. Or most drastically end the relationship.
It's clear not the best situation to be placed, I can't say what be would be the best course of action. I don't know them or the state of their relationship. but I am happy to give what feedback I can
edited 10th Mar '11 10:19:13 PM by joeyjojo
hashtagsarestupid@joey: I actually wasn't referring to you, you were being reasonable. Forgive the imprecision of my language.
@EDIT:
And yes, I totally do get it.
edited 10th Mar '11 10:56:35 PM by drunkscriblerian
If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed. ~Cora M. Strayer~
Thanks, Although I admit I do get a bit butthurt about sexual politics. As divorcee I think you can understand...
Eh, I'm not baiting anyone. You've been giving this much information, and asking for feedback. You get what you pay for. I'm not famous for being judgmental or self-righteous or closed-mined, anyone here can testify to that. But with what I currently know there is no other way for me to view the situation: marriage is extremely serious business, and people who commit themselves without thinking about it properly, especially when they get kids early on and they have to suffer through the ensuing shitstorm whether there is separation or not... all other factors being equal... And why'd they have to marry so soon? Couldn't they have spent four years or so as life partners first? A tryout period this long is mandatory if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.
Eh, no use crying over spilled milk. If the guy is mature enough about this, talk it out with him. If she chooses to stick with the relationship, at least he'll be able to help her if he knows what she's going through.
edited 11th Mar '11 4:19:56 AM by Ardiente
"Sweets are good. Sweets are justice."

@Drunk She ought to deal with it if she's not willing to discuss it with him.
There's no justice in the world and there never was~