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JewelyJ's novel in progress-CONSTRUCTIVE critique wanted

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JewelyJ from A state in the USA Since: Jul, 2009
#1: Dec 13th 2010 at 12:30:40 PM

I am worried about my story so I figured I would post it here for feedback.

Chapter 1 [Banquo, Virginia March 29, 2005]

It was unusually cold for March. Skye pushed his hands deeper in his pockets shivering at the early morning breeze. He had always thought it stupid that the school system expected students to wake up and rush out for the bus before sunrise. He had found walking to school much easier as well as a good chance to sort out his thoughts. He quickened his pace hoping to get to class early enough to get a seat in the back row which had a tendency to fill up quickly.

“Hey man, wait up!” Skye looked around to see his neighbors Rusty and Gemini “Gem” Tekton scrambling to catch up. He stopped allowing them time to reach him. “Why’re you here so early? S’not like we have a test or anything.”

“I had to drop off my brother” Skye said.

“Isn’t that what the bus is for?” Rusty asked. Skye shook his head.

“Nope Buses suck. Besides the other kids pick on him” he said, starting to pick up his pace again, “When I’m with him they leave him alone” Skye’s little brother Timmy was a short skinny 9-year old that looked closer to seven or maybe eight. He tended to let people take advantage of him and had a reputation as a crybaby.

“Yeah because they don’t want to lose their heads” Rusty said halfway under his breath. Skye was normally a responsible obedient boy but took his role as an older brother seriously.

“Shut up Rusty” Gem said nudging her brother “Skye isn’t violent and we don’t need people spreading that around.” Skye’s family despite being somewhat wealthy was not exactly popular in their community.

His mother had come from this small town and when she came back from college married to an older English man with quite a lot of money people talked. Then his father’s son from a previous marriage, a cold manipulative teenager with a violent temper and a burning hatred for their father showed up.

Details about Elliott Stryke’s last marriage came out along with the distorted view that Dex gave. Nearly a year later one of the Stryke’s twin babies went missing on a shopping trip and was never found. The police investigated the parents but were forced to move on when nothing came of it. Elliott and Melanie were announced innocent. But it was too late and the family was the talk of the town for years. Heck Skye knew that people still talked about them.

“I wouldn’t do that” Rusty said. “You think I would sell out my best friend?”

“No but I’m just saying that people may hear what you say and twist it around” Gem said.

“Guys!” Skye caught their attention with an unusually harsh tone but eased up a bit. He didn’t mean to snap at them, “Guys please stop. It doesn’t matter they probably think I’m violent away. I’m Dex’s brother remember”

“Yeah, but you do everything you’re told” Rusty said, “anyone who believes you’re a troublemaker would have to be braindead”

“I don’t want to talk about what other people say about me” Skye said, “Drop it, please.” Rusty started to say something but after looking at Skye and Gem’s expressions he thought better of it.

“So, how have your parents been?” Gem asked. Skye gave a little shrug.

“Okay” But he didn’t think he sounded very convincing because his friends exchanged skeptical looks. “Well I dunno. They just seem different. Like they know something and they’re trying to keep us from finding out”

“Skye, you shouldn’t have to worry about your parents problems” Gem said gently “You’re only thirteen”

“I just don’t want to cause trouble for them” he said, “..forget it okay. They’re fine, everything’s fine”

They continued walking in silence. Skye was thinking over his parents’ behavior for the past few days trying to figure out what could be wrong. Trouble at work? Could they be getting a divorce? The previous night Skye overheard their raised voices in the bedroom before falling into an uneasy sleep.

“-about the boys, Elliott?”

“We can explain the situation and-“

“No it will only scare them.”

“Well if worse comes to worse; maybe they can stay somewhere for awhile with someone we can trust. Doesn’t your sister-“

“Marina’s job wouldn’t pay enough to take care of two boys and herself” The rest of the conversation had faded out of Skye’s memory. What could be so bad that he and Timmy would have to stay somewhere else? Was Dex returning? He heard a shout and felt himself being pulled back.

“Be careful-you almost walked straight into traffic” Gem said. Skye looked up noticing that the driver had stopped as well as a bus. The school was straight ahead.

“Are you on autopilot or something” Rusty asked.

“I guess. I was thinking” Skye said rather lamely.

“Well try thinking more about what’s in front of you” Rusty told him. When they entered the school he could feel several pairs of eyes watching them. Gem and Rusty didn’t seem to notice, and Skye pushed the feeling aside, he was being stupid. They made their way through the crowds to their locker. Skye stopped when he noticed a boy using the locker that he had grown accustomed to using. The boy was a seventh grader and looked pretty young for his age. “Hey that’s my-“the boy turned around and a look of horror crossed his face. He ran off with his stuff. Skye felt like he was missing something.

“OK then” he shrugged and started putting his stuff away.

“Weird” Rusty shook his head, “come on. Mrs. Harper will be mad if we’re late.” The three of them got to their English class with little trouble. Skye opened up his bag and started getting out his homework.

“Uh-oh” Rusty muttered. Skye looked over his shoulder to see the eighth grade discipline administrator coming over to them.

“Can I speak with you in my office, Elliott” she said. Her words may have been phrased as a request but her sharp businesslike tone left no room for questions.

“Yes ma’am” Skye said. He followed her into the office. When she entered the room the first thing he saw was the boy who had been using his locker.

“Sit down” he heard the administrator say. He obeyed still wondering what this was all about. All he had done was start to tell the boy that he preferred to use that locker. “Avery here told me that you were going to go after him but I’d like to get your side of the story”

“I wasn’t going to go after him” Skye said feeling rather annoyed, “He ran odd before I could even finish my sentence. I was just going to ask him if he minded using another locker. I wanted to be closer with Gem and Rusty instead of having a locker with someone I didn’t know. Ask them if you don’t believe me.” The administrator nodded and then turned to the seventh grader who sunk in his chair a bit.

“Is this true Avery?” she asked.

“y-yeah I guess” the boy said, “I’ve heard things a-about you and you’re…you’re brother.” He seemed to notice the sudden coldness and Skye’s eyes because he winced, “a-and the other day I saw you yelling at some fifth graders”

“Yeah they were picking on my little brother” the boy seemed relieved that Skye seemed exasperated rather than angry “I was just telling them to cut it out. “ Avery now looked at him with a mixture of awe as if seeing him in a whole new light. Skye imagined that his parents had probably told him tales about the Stryke family

“Oh” he said after a few awkward moments. With a look of curiosity he blurted “I’ve heard a lot about your older brother , was he really-“

“A creep? Yeah but I’m nothing like him” If the eighth grade discipline administrator hadn’t been looking over them Skye would have chosen another more appropriate term for Dex. “I don’t like to talk about him. He caused a lot of trouble for my family”

“O-o-kay” he said, “I’m sorry Elliott”

“It’s Skye” Skye said getting up. “Don’t worry about it. But next time get all the facts and think for yourself before jumping to conclusions”

The administrator nodded, “Good advice. I’ll let you off this time but in the future don’t’ come to me with tall tales. Elliott you may go.”

Skye left the office starting back to his English class. The interruption in his day was mildly irritating but it got him out of class for a bit. He noticed raised voices as he neared the classroom and remembered that current event were to be presented today. He had just pulled together his paper at the last minute as he had been swamped by more important assignments.

He looked in the window of the room to see what looked like a bunch of heated arguing. The teacher stood up to calm the situations and sent the girl who was presenting back to her seat. He walked in, part of him wondering what the commotions had been about and the rest of him wondering whether he wanted to know.

“What was that all about” Rusty asked quietly.

“Nothing important” I’ll tell you at lunch” Skye replied, “what was all the arguing about?”

“Oh there was some story about a guy who lit people on fire with his finger in the UK” There was a big discussion about ESP in stuff. Some people think people who can do that stuff or think they can, should be locked away” Rusty said shrugging. Skye felt like hi stomach had just crashed into his heart and he wanted to be anywhere but where he was.

“Skye are you okay, you look sick” was the last thing he heard before he got up and ran out.

edited 13th Dec '10 12:34:05 PM by JewelyJ

MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#2: Dec 13th 2010 at 12:31:40 PM

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you did NOT intend to format that way.

Read my stories!
SandJosieph Since: Dec, 2009
#3: Dec 13th 2010 at 12:32:26 PM

I don't know if that's how the post just came out due to formatting, but you could separate the paragraphs a little more.

Ninja'd!

edited 13th Dec '10 12:32:42 PM by SandJosieph

JewelyJ from A state in the USA Since: Jul, 2009
#4: Dec 13th 2010 at 12:35:00 PM

No I didn't I detest text walls. I guess it screwed up because I copy-pasted it from a document on word.

MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#5: Dec 13th 2010 at 12:36:13 PM

—cracks knuckles— time to be a cynical bastard. God, I love my life.

  • 2005? Is that when you started writing this story? Not being accusatory, this just looks like something I myself did, and it's something I'd advise against.
  • You start rather quickly. I don't even have a feel for any of the characters and you're already throwing them at me rapid fire. It'd be better to spend some time with each character before going on to the next.
  • And exposition is done...well, badly. REALLY badly. No need to explain stuff like the marriage right away. Let it come out gradually. Let the characters become PEOPLE first. Don't throw this stuff out first page in.
  • Yeah, this plot is happening way too quickly. We don't care about your characters. They are just oddly named masses of nothingness, and until that changes, we are not GOING to care about them. You need to actually characterize them a bit! Give them something special or give them a flair!
  • Once again, all we get is dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue and it's boring, frankly. We know nothing about them except what you've spoon fed us, and we have no reason to be interested in this at all.

Over all:

A complete mess in pacing. You REALLY need to work on that. How many characters did you introduce within seconds? You just can't do that! It's a bad idea. Don't do it. I don't get any feel for the characters, they just fill out what they're supposed to in the vaguely defined plot, and seem to haggardly go through dialogue just to monotonously drop little snippets of plot or characterization.

You need to work on your formatting a LOT.

edited 13th Dec '10 12:45:49 PM by MrAHR

Read my stories!
JewelyJ from A state in the USA Since: Jul, 2009
#6: Dec 13th 2010 at 12:59:00 PM

Thank you for your feedback. It really helps.

  • No, 2005 is when I set the story. I'm waffling on having the dates be so blatant . I guess I should try and do what Harry Potter did in regards to dates and just give subtle hints. This was a first draft and that was just mostly for reference so I wouldn't forget.

  • I wasn't sure how much to reveal and when to reveal it. I guess I should probably work on that.

  • Yes I know I have a lot of dialogue . Everyone tells em that and I'm working on my exposition and description skills.

I wanted to avoid having nothing happen for a whole chapter but I guess I went in the other extreme.

EDIT: Hey I just dug up my previous opening and I think it's better than the second. For comparison:

Chapter 1

Skye Stryke was the kind of person who hated to be the center of attention. He was most comfortable when he could feel like he could blend in to a crowd. Quite a few of the things he did get unusual attention for were negative. Like the people in his neighborhood who whispered rumors about his parents. Or his classmates who gave him funny looks and joked “It’s always the quiet ones”. He had taught himself how to ignore those sorts of things for the most part.

“Hey man wait up!” Skye turned around as his neighbor, Rusty Tekton jogged to catch up with him. Rusty’s sister Gem followed behind stopping to catch her breath.

“Hey, hurry up! Last one’s a rotten egg”

“Oh, grow up!” Gem snapped as she quickened her pace. Rusty only laughed and she rolled her eyes. Skye sighed but he didn’t get involved. The Tekton siblings and their parents were one of the few in the neighborhood who were friendly towards the Stryke family. Their town, Banquo Virginia would probably fall into the category of a “small town”. Many people around here knew each other fairly well. That could be a good thing and a bad thing.

“Hey , man. Why’d you leave so early?” Rusty asked tapping Skye on the shoulder. “We usually go together”

“I had to walk my younger brother to school today. My parents had to go to work early”

The later one was just trying to get stuff done but I feel like this one gives a better understanding of the characters.

edited 13th Dec '10 2:04:24 PM by JewelyJ

colbertimposter Since: Dec, 1969
#7: Dec 25th 2010 at 3:43:41 AM

I agree with these of Mr AHR's comments:

"1) You start rather quickly. I don't even have a feel for any of the characters and you're already throwing them at me rapid fire. It'd be better to spend some time with each character before going on to the next. 2) And exposition is done...well, badly. REALLY badly. No need to explain stuff like the marriage right away. Let it come out gradually. Let the characters become PEOPLE first. Don't throw this stuff out first page in. 3) Yeah, this plot is happening way too quickly."

And, I agree with you that the second one you posted helps with these three criticisms of Mr AHR's.

I just want to say that I find it compelling and interesting, and think this is a great first draft. I think a first-person present narrative from Skye's point-of-view where you start with him getting ready for school and thus interacting with his younger brother, older step-brother, mother, and step-father, would be worth trying - bearing in mind that the point is to mix action (brushing teeth, making bed, eating breakfast) with providing background for the rest of his family and (ideally) showing Skye's relationship with each of his family members instead of telling the reader about said relationships. You could even include background for Rusty by having Skye's mother tell Skye something simple like "Oh, Rusty called. He said blah blah blah" to which Skye begins thinking about Rusty.

Good luck and keep us posted. :)

Xandriel Dark Magical Girl Since: Nov, 2010
#8: Dec 25th 2010 at 7:03:10 AM

The previous opening is way better. You get more of a feel for the characters, as in you know a bit about what kind of person Skye is.

I'd just avoid starting almost all the paragraphs with dialogue... uh, I've got to say it gets a bit much. And I know this always gets said, but show, don't tell. That bit about Rusty sayinng Skye does everything he's told. He's supposed to be shy and quiet, right? Show it. Give him little mannerisms. Have him speak quietly, mumble, get awkward, hesitate, bite his lip, sometimes avoid people's gaze, etc.

Apart from that it's an interesting story, so keep at it!

What's the point in giving up when you know you'll never stop anyway?
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