Australia, the Videogame

From the Everything Trying to Kill You page:

"''Every creature [in Australia] is bigger and angrier than anywhere else in the world. ...spiders and snakes and the like normally hide under rocks. The Earth is one big rock, Australia is at the bottom of the big rock, and so they're trying to hide under it." Karl Pilkington - Happyslapped by a Jellyfish.

• This Aussie can comfirm that this is true. About the only things that aren't dangerous or poisonous are some of the sheep (which aren't native to Australia). And maybe wallabies. The following things will kill you: common spiders, the most common snakes, ticks, crocodiles, sharks, jellyfish, stonefish, we have a seashell that will go for you and deliver a very painful, fast death. Even platypus are poisonous.

o Platypi aren't merely venomous, it has probably the most terrifying venom in nature. The other animals on this list will just kill you, the Platypus isn't that humane. It's venom attacks the victim's pain receptors, cranking them up to 11 and ripping off the knob. It causes pain so horrible that even the highest non-lethal dose of morphene isn't enough. To stop the pain doctors actually have to physically sever the nerve from the affected area to the brain because that's the only thing powerful enough.

• Even the Trees can kill you!
• Except that, if a spider spins a web (as in a traditional, picturebook cobweb), it won't kill you normally. Just make you wish it had.
• A wallaby could still probably break a few of your ribs by kicking you, and thats pretty bad as broken ribs can lead to punctured lungs or a punctured heart.
• Then there's the most humiliating thing of all - death by Wombat.

o He's not joking.

• and then there is the kangaroo, which is quite capable of disemboweling a person with its back feet.

o Breaking the old stereotype that island faunas are wimpy, kangaroos have proven themselves quite able to compete with other animals on the mainland. So don't diss the 'roo, mate!

• The Australian fierce snake (named for its home, the Fierce Desert, not for its temperament, which is actually non aggressive) is considered the most poisonous snake in the world.
• According to the Made Of Explodium page, eucalyptus trees have a rather amusing tendency to, well, explode, given the proper stressors. Truly a gamer's continent.

o Eucalypts also produce dry, waxy leaves and loose bark that fuel the frequent and highly dangerous bushfires, and have a tendency to lose branches in high winds, or just after said fires. Add in the fact that eucalypt branches are often 1-2 metres in length, and all grow from the top foot or so of trunk, and you can see that even the trees are trying to kill you. o Australian plant life has specifically evolved to take advantage of regular bushfires. They grow back quickly. But as for everyone else...

• Also, falling gum tree limbs (known as widowmakers) have caused serious property damage and deaths. And they fall with no warning. Feel like taking a nap under a gum tree during a hot day? It might be the last thing you do...
• And that's just the stuff on land, they also have - apart from the sharks and saltwater crocodiles - blue ringed octopus, box jellyfish, cone snails, stingrays, etc.
• That is one of the reasons why Steve Irwin is considered one of the best Real Life badasses. "Now watch as I approach the kangaroo's babies, if I'm not careful the mama will rip off my arm and start beating me with it!!" Nothing he says is worth anything less then two exclamation points.
• Emus are basically really big velociraptors with feathers and a beak. Be glad that you do not meet their dietary needs.

o Cassowarys, too. They were actually used as the models for the velociraptors in Jurassic Park

• If you think that's bad, Australia was even more of a Death World back in the Pleistocene, when humans first arrived. Carnivorous buzz-saw toothed kangaroos? Check. Monitor-lizards the size of a city bus? Check. Climbing warm-blooded saw-toothed crocodiles? Check. Gigantic killer pseudo-python? Check. Marsupial lion with sickle thumbs? Check. The Demon Duck of Doom! (I'm not joking, scientists actually call it that). Oh yeah, its there. Ninjemys, a gigantic horned turtle built like a panzer tank (and yes, the name means exactly what you think it means), check.

o Make that a venomous monitor lizard the size of a bus. o Actually, the species' name as a whole might mean then, but Ninjemys (which, by the way, was one of the smaller breeds of the Meiolaniidae family) has a name that translates into English as "Owen's Ninja Turtle". The largest of the Meiolaniidae only grew to 2.5 meters anyway.

• This Cracked article feels appropriate. No, it isn't all in Australia, but half of it is.

o My favourite quote from the above article: "Imagine that the stresses of life finally get to you and, after months of depression you snap. You make that final decision: You're going back to Australia again." o Another Oz-related Cracked article.

• Any child growing up in Australia learns (unless the parents are trying to kill the kid) a long list of things that can kill you, practically by heart. It's a long list, and just to make sure at least one state teaches it in primary schools.

o seems easier to just make a list of what wont kill you, which seems to be mostly just people, unless you piss them off.

• Koala Bears. If you try to hug a wild one, they will be happy to "hug" you back with razor sharp claws that are designed to be habitats for nasty shit, making them natural experts of biological warfare.

o And have you ever heard one growl at you? The cute little bears marsupials sound like giant ogres!

• Out of all these critters, the only ones that really cramp your style are the jellyfish. Sharks? Pfft, there's like three left. Spiders? Don't go picking up random bits of rusty iron. Snakes? Make a lot of noise whilst walking through undergrowth, wear tough shoes, etc. Stonefish/cone shells? Don't walk barefoot on reefs. Drop bears? Don't hang around underneath gum trees. But jellyfish? "Oh, I'm sorry if you wanted to go for a swim at that otherwise harmless sandy beach when it's 42 degrees. We'll just be floating around by our thousands, invisible and potentially fatal."

o Not to mention the Irukandji. The worst of the box jellyfish (an infamous class of jellyfish), they will actively seek out prey rather than drift along in the current, are the size of a fingernail, are transparent, can swim through anti-jellyfish safety nets on beaches and pack a horrifically lethal and painful sting. High Octane Nightmare Fuel incarnate.

• They may not be dangerous to humans, but the only known variety of sea squirt that snares prey like a Venus fly-trap rather than passively filtering water lives just off Australia.
• And because this list isn't long enough, the Blue-Ringed Octopus. This thing is so deadly that if you're bitten by it with the antidote in your hand you still may not survive. It may be the purest example of how living in Australia is a Very Bad Idea.
• And let's not forget the Great Australian Bight. For non-locals, thats a region of South Australia where the ground beneath your feet is brittle and conceals deep abysses leading to underground caverns filled with seawater, which will happily drown you if the fall doesn't splat you first.

o Slightly more north is the Nullabough Plains. For non-locals, "nullabough" is the Australian Aboriginal word for "nothing." Imagine the biggest desert you can think of. Now imagine it bigger. Now imagine it red. Now add the typical Australian NT climate heat of 48-50 degrees Celsius. Now imagine having gone out there looking for gold which is relatively easy to find beneath the sand. Yes, even the ground is trying to invite you over and kill you. o This tropers mother has been to the Nullabough, and reportedly fried an egg on a rock. Photographic evidence also provided.

• Maybe all that is why Australians are so good at killing people. It kind of rubs off.

HOW COME THERE ISN'T A NINTENDO HARD SURVIVAL HORROR GAME OF THIS?

edited 29th Nov '10 1:04:03 PM by RawPower

And oddly enough, there's a game about Hell, Michigan. No lie.

They forgot to mention that everyone in Australia has a mustache, even the women.

But even if a video game was made, it probably be banned in the country it was based on.

Stereotypes, HO!

HOW COME THERE ISN'T A NINTENDO HARD SURVIVAL HORROR GAME OF THIS?

There is. It's called "living in Australia" and you play it by taking a plane trip to Australia. Just be careful - there's no respawns.

Maybe a Deadly Creatures-type of game?

edited 29th Nov '10 5:28:12 PM by RocketDude

...still want Fallout: Australia. But with two modes: Hardcore and Oh Just Fuck Me With a Tree Already.

Mad Max: The Videogame would work.

I woke up this morning and was hit by a critical Spider Bite, inflicting poison status. Fortunately, I was able to cast Meltdown to lower the Spider's defence to Zero and finish it with a Limit Break before the poison killed me. Even more fortunately, he was carrying an Antidote, so I was able to cure my Poison status at the main menu before topping up my Health and Magic Bars with an Elixir.   ^[1]

On the spiders with healthbars thread in IJAM.

You're still crazy for using an elixir out of battle, you damn fool. Those are valuable!

Ayup. Use a Healer.

Why bother, if it was right after you woke up, there was a bed nearby. Inns are cheaper than elixirs, aren't they?

For such an insane place, it sure is filled with a bunch of pussies in it's government right now.

I am told that people in other countries do not shake their clothing thoroughly before putting it on.

In Australia, that's a habit which is arguably necessary for long term survival.

@Chagen. We have collectively got tired with every major political party and just started voting in hung parliaments pretty much everywhere. Frankly, I wish we'd all thought of this sooner, it's great!

edited 29th Nov '10 7:54:09 PM by TibetanFox

I shake my clothing, but it's less a matter of life and death and more a matter of not wanting wolf spiders in my lady parts.

Eh, just because Australia is the only First World country with more deadly wildlife doesn't mean it's the only one.

Still, apparently New World creatures are pussies.

I immediately went and tackled a giant Box Jellyfish as a bonus boss to redeem myself and obtain another Elixir, which I promptly gave to charity after using it to beat myself down into the Limit Break zone to deal with any Koala's that come my way.

You don't need to take down a Box Jellyfish to get an elixir, you can also get one if you kill a kangaroo without using weapons, armor, items, or magic.

Not too hard, really. Just makes sure your Aussie gauge is near full so you can execute Aussietech Lvl 4: Shrimp on the Barbie.

Once I find Australium, I'll be able to barter for more kick-ass stuff.

Go down to South America. The New World has badass creatures too.

You don't need to take down a Box Jellyfish to get an elixir, you can also get one if you kill a kangaroo without using weapons, armor, items, or magic.

The point wasn't to gain an Elixir, it was to make sure those stupid sonsofbitches floating out in our oceans knew not to frak with me.

Psh, sure the box jellyfish is deadly, but it's got next to no HP. Take on an angry wombat, then we'll talk.

I just killed a Koala. Your argument is invalid.

Given that Koalas are even more psychotic than Wombats, that's a pretty impressive claim.

Yeah, but when's the last time you heard of a koala going toe to toe with a car doing 80KM/h and coming out of it the winner?