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DreadBaron Since: Dec, 1969
#1: Nov 27th 2010 at 11:49:14 PM

This is a story I've been tinkering with for a while now, and I would like some feedback on the general idea before I go any further:

This is the story of an elderly billionaire, and the pharmaceutical company he founded. The company had accidentally created a wonder drug called Vandroxyphl, which had the ability to turn a person into an unstoppable fighting machine. These warriors of science came to be called the Ultra-Men, later to be referred to as "superheroes".

However, the elderly billionaire had a weaselly business partner; who chose to battle the Ultra-Men with his own race of robotic minions (the Doom Droids).

The Doom Droids eventually win, and the billionaire dies alone in an unmarked dungeon.

So, what do you think? Is this a good idea for a story or not?

GlassPistol Since: Nov, 2010
#2: Nov 27th 2010 at 11:51:53 PM

I like it, but it needs a lot more detail.

For instance, who are the other characters and why should I care that they're being killed by robots?

But then, all story ideas are like that in the beginning, so overall, I like it.

Sidewinder Sneaky Bastard Since: Oct, 2009 Relationship Status: Above such petty unnecessities
Sneaky Bastard
#3: Nov 28th 2010 at 2:47:04 PM

What I want to know is the tone. Idealistic or cynical? Serious or silly? I think it could be a good story if it was silly.

DreadBaron Since: Dec, 1969
#4: Nov 28th 2010 at 10:12:33 PM

This was supposed to be a very grim story, though I think silly might be a better idea.

As far as the reason why the audience should care goes, the best I can say right now is that the Ultra-Men will be very sympathetic; tragic heroes if you will.

drunkscriblerian Street Writing Man from Castle Geekhaven Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: In season
Street Writing Man
#5: Nov 28th 2010 at 10:15:59 PM

Maybe go for black comedy...the outline you just gave seems to beg for it.

If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed. ~Cora M. Strayer~
DreadBaron Since: Dec, 1969
#6: Nov 30th 2010 at 9:02:10 PM

Well, after plenty of revising and planning, here's the opening to my story:

http://dreadbaron.deviantart.com/art/Days-Of-Might-Pt-One-188072946

It tells of the origins of our protagonist (Mulligan J. Vandekust, the elderly billionaire) as well as the fate of the original Ultra-Man.

colbertimposter Since: Dec, 1969
#7: Dec 5th 2010 at 3:06:36 PM

It's very intriguing, just as a hook should be. The point-of-view is relatable, the language sophisticated, and the end of the "unabridged story" serves as an effective wonder-causing twist. I can also see a serious message about the modern world (or at least modern U.S.) arising from the work down the road, which I like much.

A quick read-through could polish up some minor gramatic errors like "I write this from the dungeon of the Black Tower, where I and my surviving men have been imprisoned." The line "where I and my surviving men" should read "where my surviving men and I" instead. I figure you were just eager to share it with us; I've done the same with my works a bunch of times.

DreadBaron Since: Dec, 1969
#8: Dec 5th 2010 at 11:44:44 PM

Thanks for the comment, i didn't catch that error the first time around. Part 2 will be up soon.

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