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Could someone.. help? A bit? Please? *Massive story inside*

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DJay32 Matkaopas from Cornwall Relationship Status: Less than three
Nov 27th 2010 at 1:27:56 AM

First of all, I'm very new around here. Hi. Um.. I.. I apologize in advance if this belongs somewhere else. But I.. you guys, the Tropers, seem like nice, kind people. From looking at the actual site. You seem sympathetic and caring. So I.. I just want to see if someone could help me somehow.

I'm in a bit of a troublesome situation. It's like a minor "And I Must Scream." Moreso because I CAN'T scream, 'cause this is a very tiny flat. Apartment. The situation literally takes hours and hours to explain, but I want to try giving a short version of it.

Right. Well. My name is Jordan; I am fifteen years old, and I am experiencing a sort of existential crisis, doubled with an overwhelming sense of isolation, and a developing case of complex post-traumatic stress disorder. In progressive rock terms, I'm building the wall. I also have odd trust issues. I trust just about anybody, which is why I'm sharing this very personal story right now.

I am British, I have two older brothers, still-married parents, and an epileptic mother. I was born in England, in Ashford of Middlesex county. I lived in England until I was six, when my dad was offered a job in the States. So we moved to Sandy Springs, Georgia, where we lived for nine years. I didn't make many friends for most of the years, but for now, let's move to the main part of my ramble. The year of 2009.

FIRST OF ALL. Late, late 2008, my then-47-year old father was beginning his mid-life crisis. He started cheating on my mum. December of 2008, we moved to a very tiny apartment in Sandy Springs. This is where things really start.

2009. My dad starts.... changing. He starts getting mad more frequently, and taking it out on whoever got in his way. Since we were in a tiny apartment, this meant us. And since I was hitting the age where I question everything, that especially meant me. He didn't do much then, though. He'd just yell and yell and yell. Frequent insults. On two occasions, though, in one week, he kicked me out of the apartment for "thinking backwards." First incident was because I didn't know what he meant by "pie." He meant meat pie, I thought he meant fruit pie. Second time, I can't remember the reason.

Things were very stressful in that apartment, 'cause I didn't have any friends at school, so I spent a long time at home. I eventually got afraid to even leave my own room, 'cause my dad was mad so much. Then, in March, my mum found out he was cheating on her and.. all hell broke loose. A LOT happened then, yet at the same time, nothing did. When my mum first told us about what was happening, I was the only person to defend my dad. We only knew the story my mum was telling, after all. Calling my dad bad things was prejudice. I loved my dad. I.. I still do. Unconditional love. He's my father. But, since I defended him, I became the enemy of my mother and two brothers. I also was STILL the target of a lot of harassment from my dad; he never thanked me for defending him.

ANYWAY. May of '09, we moved to another apartment, nothing happened for a few months. July-ish, we moved back into the house we were ORIGINALLY living in. One day, my oldest brother (Adam) ran away from home (relations between my parents were still.. bad. The word "divorce" was thrown around like a playground insult; Adam couldn't take it). For that day, a LOT of arguments spawned at home. My older brother (Nathan) and my mum sorta revealed their scornful feelings towards me. That night, my dad snapped and accused us all of not supporting him. He then left us and drove off. My mum and Nathan went off to find him. I was left alone at around 11 PM, alone to worry. I cried a lot that night! I mean.. I supported my dad. D: I did! I was the only one who did. Anyway, they suddenly showed up at 1 in the morning, all happy and normal. They didn't tell me what had happened, and just told me to go to bed. I did, but I was still rather shaken, y'know?

We remained "normal" for about a month. Then August came around. My dad had lost his job sometime that year, and we needed to sell our house, so one Saturday, we focused on cleaning things up so someone can come 'round and look at things. My two brothers and I were in my room, cleaning things. They were sorta yelling to each other when my dad yelled something to me from the other room. I couldn't hear a thing with all the yelling, so I shouted "SHUT UP!" And then my dad came in, and he punched me in the face. Around my right eye. I stumbled backward and fell onto a table (an act he would later call me a "pussy" for doing). We.. got into a scuffle. My brothers just stood and watched. It turns out my dad shouted to ask if I wanted a box to put things in, by the way. At the end of the scuffle, I apologized, and people left my room. Later, my dad came back in and held me down to my bed and.. I actually don't remember what happened that time. I just remember him holding me down, and me screaming for help. It ended shortly, and I apologized to him again, and we got on with our lives. ..the people who were supposed to stop by to take a look at things never showed up, annoyingly.

September, nothing really happened, to my recollection. October! Uh.. it was a Monday. I was being picked up from school, and taken to a music shop to get my clarinet fixed. On the way, I got into another argument with my dad, and I ended up getting kicked out of the car in the middle of town. He drove off, and I wandered around, scared. I honestly don't remember how this incident ended, but I know I was safe at home by the end of the day. One week later, on a TUESDAY, it was dinnertime. My dad asked if I wanted a glass of water, and I respectfully declined. We then got into an argument about how I'm backwards (since I can't drink water without throwing it back up). He then grabbed me and dragged me to the back door, and was about to throw me down some stairs before my mum told him not to. So I was simply locked out. At this point, I was fed up, so I just wandered off. I shouldn't have done that. >.< A few hours later, I came back, and my dad yelled at me so much while I cried. I don't recall the whole lecture, but I distinctly remember "You are just a waste of time. I should just ship you back to England, you little piece of shit," and something about how my mum should have had an abortion. In the end, I apologized, and all was good for a while.

Note: My dad ended his affair in November of 2009. My mum was still super paranoid towards him, but things seemed to be getting better.

Another peculiarity is that I'm CERTAIN that something major happened in the winter of 2009, but I cannot for the life of me remember any of it. So, the next incident I will tell you of takes place in January of 2010. The day before Martin Luther King Jr Day. Father, mother, Nathan, and myself, were gathered in the living room. Dad asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. I declined. We got into another little argument about how backwards I am, climaxing with "You're a little pile of shit," followed by me getting up to get out. My dad mistook this for a threat and kicked me in the balls, knocking me back down. While the August incident was a scuffle, this was more of a pummeling, as I kept trying to get up and run, but was repeatedly kicked in the nads. I then huddled into the fetal position as my dad just continued to pound at my back. My mum and Nathan were just sitting there. All of a sudden, my dad grabbed my chair and flipped it over, sending me onto the ground. As I fell, I reached for some support, and I hit my mother by accident. She must have ran to us as my dad grabbed the chair, I imagine. But I hit her. >.< Nathan saw me hit her and thought it was on purpose, then proceeded to join my dad in kicking and whacking me while I'm sprawled on the ground, crying. That night ended with me apologizing to all three of them and going to my room. The next day, my dad would yell at me again, much like he did in October.

The results of that incident, by the way, were a flood of bruises all over my body, and a bad case of rug burn on the back of my neck. I went to the school's counselor about it, but she was unable to help me. I also only spoke to her once. I.. I don't know! I really don't remember too much about early 2010; I'm sorry. I DO know that I finally got my first real friends in 9th grade, though, and they were helping me deal with stress. Then summer came.

You see, financially, we were in a bit of a bind. My dad couldn't get another job, and we were soon going to lose the house. Then my dad is offered a job back in England, which he accepts. It starts in August, and we learn in May. So I spend the summer hanging out with people, and that's how I find out what it's like to actually be loved by people. =/ People were gonna miss me, and I was going to miss them, as well. But the summer also had its low points.

One night in June, I can't remember anything besides being caught in a headlock (given by my dad) in my room, and a LOT of yelling. And many, many times, my dad openly told me how much he REALLY doesn't want me to go with him to England. He doesn't want to put up with me. Also, at least four times in that summer, I had panic attacks. I seem to recall them being my first panic attacks, as well. They weren't exactly pleasant, of course, but Nathan made one worse by taking the opportunity to call me "too emotional," and things like that, during one.

Then! August 7th, 2010! We moved to Windsor of Berkshire county, England. We currently live in a tiny flat, except Nathan, who went to university in Georgia. Within the first month, I looked for schools to go to, and found only one. And it was full. Like, even the cops tried to help me with that, but they couldn't. So I'm stranded at home. And I'm five hours ahead of my friends, so I have to go online rather late if I want to talk to them. Though that's not impossible, since I have nothing to do in the day.

Ah. October. One day, I thought we had run out of cheese, and decided to get a new block from the store. My dad came home that night and yelled the heck at me. Turns out we WEREN'T out of cheese, and I just wasted 2 pounds. He then sorta kicked me out of the flat. So there I was, 7:30 in the evening, in a T-shirt and no shoes or socks, in England in October. It.. it was cold. o.o But then, the surprise came fifteen minutes later when I tried to get back in so I could apologize. My dad wouldn't LET me back in. "Dad, do you have any idea how cold it is out here?" "Yeah, I do. But I don't care, 'cause it's warm and toasty in here!" I wandered off and found a hotel. I went in to warm up. Unfortunately, the hotel couldn't accommodate a minor, so they called the police for me. The police gave me a ride back, and gave my dad a scolding. This only angered my dad, unfortunately. From then on, my dad HATED/STILL HATES me for "calling the police on him." Even though it was the hotel.

Now, that's where the incidents stop and I can tell you about the actual SITUATION I'm in. My room is only inches bigger than my bed, and even when the radiator is on full blast, my whole body is numb. I've made a habit of staying up all night and sleeping in the day, since I don't have ANYTHING to do in the day (not even EAT, which I'll get to in a bit), and my friends don't get home from school until at least 4 PM EST (9 PM here). So my mum gets this laptop in the day, and I get it at night, though usually not until at least midnight. So, if I WERE to stay awake in the day time, let me tell you what my schedule would consist of.

Sit in the living room, waiting for night to fall, lost in my increasingly-suicidal thoughts. Occasionally play some Rock Band when I get the chance.

I much prefer staying awake at night, when I have the laptop. Now, on to food! My dad is rather obsessed with not spending much money at the supermarket. He's been getting less and less food lately, and the last time we even went shopping was three weeks ago. My dad claims he got "three weeks' worth of food for less than the price of one," but HOW he did that is apparent since we ran out of food a week and a half ago. Example of our food situation! Thanksgiving passed, didn't it? Thursday? Yeah, on that day, all I had to eat was half a plate of chips (fries, whatever). The day after it, my dinner was four "fun-sized" candy bars. I'm currently really, really hungry.

I've been using escapism a lot lately. Like.. a LOT. I'll play Rock Band to escape (as I've been doing since January of 2009 o_o), and occasionally I might take a walk, but I've even taken to zoning out lately. I have NEVER zoned out before until recently. I just.. blank out for some minutes. It helps. Hell, I've even started SLEEPING to escape. Oh, and before you ask, yes, I see a counselor. I see one every Thursday, though I missed the chance this week, unfortunately.

I used to be a very, very talkative person. A very, very optimistic person, as well. And very outgoing. Lately, I've gotten.. quieter. Shyer. I won't even talk to my parents much anymore. I'm just scared of what they'll say, or how angry they'll get. Also, being away from the only friends I've ever had means I can only sit and watch on Facebook as they go and have their happy lives, meeting new friends and having all the fun I've always wanted. I even used to have a wife on Facebook at one point. Nothing even remotely serious; we were just good friends. But then I moved, and I haven't.. really.. talked as much. So she kinda left me.

Now. A couple other things of note. First of all, Adam, the brother I'm left with, is not much company. Ever. When I was twelve, he pointed a knife at me for calling him a "zucchini" (my parents gave him a minor scolding and yelled at me for provoking him). When I was thirteen, I had to talk him out of killing himself (my parents just didn't care). Adam is a severe introvert. He has Asperger's, and does NOT like other people. Not saying the two are related, sorry. I have a minor form of Asperger's, myself, though I'm sure it was a misdiagnosis, as I sound like I have PDD-NOS, instead. Anyway, Adam spends his days in his room, and threatens to kill all of us about 80% of the time. My parents don't really pay much attention to him, though. ..he made me sleep in the closet a lot when I shared a room with him. And he has no job, got kicked out of college, and he's 22. I.. don't really like him. Right now, he sleeps in the living room, which is oddly HOTTER and roomier than my room.

Then there's Nathan, in college right now. I always looked up to him. He's a great brother. He doesn't really stick up for me, or.. really care about me, but he's VERY popular at school, and really good at lots of things, and I try to be like him sometimes. He's my role model, you know? He's coming over with his girlfriend for Christmas, and I'm really excited about that. BUT, I am increasingly worried that, when he visits, he just won't be himself, and it'll be like I don't even know him anymore. ._. I really don't want to be abandoned by him, as well. I want someone to not hate me.

Now, my biggest worry is that, when I turn sixteen in January, my dad will kick me out for good. 'Cause.. a similar thing happened with his sister. ....just throwing that out there, sorry! >.<

Um.. that's about it for the short version of my story. I really want to stress that I feel overwhelmingly isolated, and depressed and lonely... and.. agh. I.. I didn't really make this topic for any reason besides.. I want to make my story known. I want to make some more friends. I don't want to continue feeling so hated. >__< And I REALLY want a hug. I haven't had a hug in almost four months now. D: But, from you guys, I'm hoping for the first two. The hug would be a little hard.. over the internet. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them. I want to help people understand what the heck is going on. yeah. Hi. I'm Jordan (or DJay). I... ah, I probably really messed up in posting this here. D: Sorry in advance.

edited 24th Feb '11 1:13:00 AM by DJay32

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
Acebrock from So-Cal Relationship Status: Shipping fictional characters
Nov 27th 2010 at 1:46:58 AM

That is...dysfunctional.

I have to ask, though, did you ever consider reporting your dad for child abuse? That sounds like a pretty clear cut case of it.

Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence
DJay32 Matkaopas from Cornwall Relationship Status: Less than three
Nov 27th 2010 at 1:57:49 AM

Well.. yes. I have considered that. The main reason why I haven't yet is because I.. I love my dad. He's my dad! Oh, and I did let the police know what he's done, and then child services called us the next day, but my mum told them he hasn't done anything physical. She then came to me and told me all about how she had to lie, 'cause we don't want to tear up our family.

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
Nov 27th 2010 at 1:58:26 AM

Yeah, this entire thing sounds like abuse centred squarely on you.

DJay32 Matkaopas from Cornwall Relationship Status: Less than three
Nov 27th 2010 at 2:09:59 AM

>__<; Yes, it DOES sound like that... but.. I'm sure my dad is justified. I'm sure I'm a pretty annoying person at times. Besides, he's got a lot on his plate. He always does.

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
Nov 27th 2010 at 2:12:50 AM

Your not worthl;ess or deserving of "punishment" solely because your father is a not very nice individual, he has no excuse to be essentially abusing you. My personal advice would be to make a note (a proper note) of all the abuse that happens over the next few days, after that go to the police or a victim care unit in your area.

DJay32 Matkaopas from Cornwall Relationship Status: Less than three
Nov 27th 2010 at 2:16:07 AM

Alright.. if I can find a piece of paper, I'll make sure to do that. Thank you for the advice.

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
Nov 27th 2010 at 2:21:37 AM

Also, do you have any family over in the UK, or any way of gaining proof of what has happened to you, suspicious bruising or something like it? If you do I would advise talking to them as well.

Any American tropers know of any advice lines that might be able to help this guy?

LoniJay from Australia Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
Nov 27th 2010 at 2:21:57 AM

Well, welcome to tvtropes, I guess. I would totally give you a hug if I had a hug emoticon.

Anyway, I generally hang around the writer's block and world building sections. They're nice people there, and if you wanted to drop in and discuss someone's story or something feel free.

Be not afraid...
DJay32 Matkaopas from Cornwall Relationship Status: Less than three
Nov 27th 2010 at 2:27:18 AM

I mean, I've heard plenty of ways to get me out, but the situation's really.. shaky. If, for instance, I am taken away from my parents, then my dad would be deemed an unfit parent, and Adam would no doubt be sent onto the streets. Nathan's rumoured to come back to living with us next year, as well, and that would kinda.. not happen if that scenario were to come true. Not only that, but then everyone would REALLY hate me. ._. I'd be the one who tore up the family.

That, and I didn't come on here solely for advice. I also just wanted to make some friends, so I'm not stuck with my own thoughts for a lot of the time. 'Cause my thoughts are depressing. Terribly so.

Thank you ever so much, Loni. :D I tend to do a lot of writing, so I'm sure I'll get situated there shortly.

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
drunkscriblerian Street Writing Man from Castle Geekhaven Relationship Status: In season
Street Writing Man
Nov 27th 2010 at 3:04:12 AM

D Jay: I sympathize, really I do.

You are not deserving of abuse merely because your parents are going through a rough patch. My parents had something similar (though not as bad) happen, and while they mistreated me and my sister while it was going on they both spent the next five years apologizing for it and (more importantly) trying to make it better. Yes, parents drop the ball but that's still no excuse for the situation you describe.

That said, it must be hard to contemplate reporting your dad for abuse. I'd wager you feel guilty for thinking it; not to sound pretentious but that's normal, and indeed an indicator of good character. One always should feel a touch of guilt when dealing out punishment (or causing it to happen), no matter how much the recipient may seem to deserve it.

The others in this thread are right though; you're describing abuse, and in America that's against the law. Also, if no one stops your father things will only get worse.

I was in an abusive marriage, and I can say with certainty that if a person suffers no consequences for inappropriate action, they'll only keep going further out of control. I know it sounds hard to believe but in a way reporting him would be doing him a favor; maybe its the wake-up call he needs.

If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed. ~Cora M. Strayer~
DJay32 Matkaopas from Cornwall Relationship Status: Less than three
Nov 27th 2010 at 3:09:53 AM

Yes.. I know what you mean. See, I had already decided, back after the January incident, to instantly report him to the police... the NEXT time he did something violent. But he hasn't really done anything violent SINCE then, which is good, but he's started going full-throttle on psychological abuse, which is bad. But it's hard to pinpoint psychological abuse, so I can't quite report that. I COULD report the neglect (When he goes shopping, he makes sure to stock up on all the things he likes, but he "forgets" about our requests. When we go WITH him, he says we don't have the money for whatever it is we want), but I'm not quite sure how that would go. I mean, the thing that's making me hesitate isn't the concept of being taken away from my family (I've put my worries of that aside until it actually happens), it's the concept of NOT being taken away, and my dad finding out I reported him. He already hates me for indirectly getting the police involved; I do not want to know how mad he'd get for something more serious.

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
Carciofus Is that cake frosting? from Alpha Tucanae I
Is that cake frosting?
Nov 27th 2010 at 3:13:08 AM

Aw, I was feeling a bit down this morning and now I feel like a whiny asshole for getting annoyed about small stuff...

Do you have any relatives that you trust who you could ask for advice and help - I dunno, a grandmother, an uncle, anyone?

But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Omelas.
DJay32 Matkaopas from Cornwall Relationship Status: Less than three
Nov 27th 2010 at 3:16:57 AM

Oh, the topic of relatives. I.. don't really have any relatives that I'm close to, or that could really help me. All my relatives on my dad's side..... well, they rather hate me, as well. It seems. I DO have an uncle on my mum's side who is very nice to me, though, but he couldn't help me. He's barely got enough money to support himself. I couldn't ask him to help me out.

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
Carciofus Is that cake frosting? from Alpha Tucanae I
Is that cake frosting?
Nov 27th 2010 at 3:46:22 AM

It seems to me that what you need the most, just now, is not financial support. It is someone who you can confide in, who could give a stern talking-to to your parents, and, most of all, who could testify for you if you decide to inform the authorities: if other members of your family are willing to confirm what you say about the abuse, it is less likely that you will not be taken seriously by the police.

And I agree with the other posters that you should do just that: you are not tearing up your family, your father has already done that, and what you have right now - judging from your post - is damaging for you, for your older brother (what do you think will happen to him if things keep going on as they do now?), for your mother and ultimately for your father too. It is terrible that you have to do that, but for the sake of all of them - as well as for yours - you need to report the situation.

I do not know how much you care about this, but you are in my prayers.

edited 27th Nov '10 4:01:28 AM by Carciofus

But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Omelas.
yukijin from behind the scenes
Nov 27th 2010 at 3:47:44 AM

Hi Jordan. First off, I'm no expert, but here's what comes to mind for me:

If you don't want to blow the whistle, I'd suggest looking into getting out of there- it just doesn't sound like staying put is a healthy option for you, and perhaps you need to put yourself first here. Your counselor might help you find out what options are available in that regard.

Since the schools are full, has anyone suggested some alternative kind of training or activity, if only to get you out the house and into a more social environment?

Anyway, I'm generally around the music forum (sounds like you might have a thing or two to say there) and on the end of a PM. out to lunch.
DJay32 Matkaopas from Cornwall Relationship Status: Less than three
Nov 27th 2010 at 3:59:17 AM

Carciofus, you make very good points. But I do NOT have any relatives who can confirm (at least, firsthand) the abuse. I was in Georgia during most of the incidents, and my relatives have always been here in England. Even if I convince myself that all of you are right, I STILL wouldn't want to report it just yet because I don't quite have any proper PROOF. Unless my mum were to come with me. But my mum is even more psychologically messed up from all of this than I am; she's had to put up with my dad for twenty-four years. D: I have talked with her a lot about the situation, and she has made it quite clear that she has no intentions of reporting anything. Though, if my dad gets violent again, she has promised to take us sons and leave him. Oh, and while I'm not a religious person, I do still appreciate the prayer. It's the thought that counts.

Yukijin, yes, you are right. I DO need to get out more. Definitely. I just need motivation. Though I promise you guys, I'll go out today. I'll go out and.. take a walk in the park. And possibly strike a conversation with a complete stranger. I need to get back to my positive, outgoing self. By the way, I went to a youth club here biweekly, but I've stopped going. My dad was having trouble just getting the 50p entry fee, and I don't like causing financial burdens. Ah, music forums. That sounds good. Though I'm very, very picky with music. times.

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
yukijin from behind the scenes
Nov 27th 2010 at 4:14:33 AM

very, very picky with music.
Sounds like you'd fit right in then ;). And the Park on a Saturday definitely sounds like a plan.

edited 27th Nov '10 4:15:15 AM by yukijin out to lunch.
Nov 27th 2010 at 5:27:48 PM

... Oh god. You do NOT deserve that. Nobody does. There's no excuse for violence or any form of abuse. Don't ever think he's justified. Yes I know how difficult it is not to think that. My stepfather's emotionally abusive, and makes me and my sister feel like crap. I went through a phase of thinking "I deserve it... but the way he treats my sister is not on". And she has no self-esteem at all. We never went through anything quite that bad, but there's still no reason to mistreat anyone. So don't blame yourself for anything your father does.

Uh... sorry... I'm not good with advice, but I'll try to help the best I can. You really should try to spend as much time away from that house as possible. Even if you can't get out permanently. You don't even need to spend a lot of money or take up an activity, just as long as you're outside, and can get into social situations. What you're planning to do - go to the park, meet people - that sounds like the best thing. You need to spend time with people you can talk to. Good, supportive friends.

And there's always this site. There are a lot of friendly people here, and yeah we're just online, but we'll listen. Gah, sorry if I wasn't much help, but that was just to let you know You Are Not Alone. smile

What's the point in giving up when you know you'll never stop anyway?
LoniJay from Australia Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
Nov 27th 2010 at 6:03:41 PM

Are there any activities you could go to that don't cost money? Like, is there a library nearby? They often run clubs and things like that.

Be not afraid...
DJay32 Matkaopas from Cornwall Relationship Status: Less than three
Dec 9th 2010 at 2:03:02 AM

BAH. I haven't been on here in a VERY long time. D: I apologize, guys. I really.. ah.

I went to the park, but it was snowing on that day, and no one was there. Not sure if the snow actually had much to do with it. But. Um. Well. More updates on the situation are probably needed. As well as the reason behind my lack of talking.

So first of all, I snapped. Lack of a better term. Not too long after my last post here (which WAS long ago >.<), actually. Though, in terms of 'snapping,' I suppose it was temporary, as I'm reverting to my normal self recently.

Oh yes, and also (so many things to tell!), I have mentioned to my parents how hungry I've been, but every time I do, I just get yelled at. ._. They claim we have food, but we DON'T. D: Whatever food we have is to be saved for dinner later on. So, shortly after I last posted, my dad brought in the shopping and we started putting the food away, and I happened to mention to my mum how hungry I've been, and she just yelled at me. But this time, I yelled back. I wasn't particularly angry, nor was I even yelling at her. I just.. yelled. And yelled. And yelled some more. Then I quickly shut up, and left the room, and... well.. I can't remember what happened, okay? It turns out I repress memories a lot, most likely due to.. my first post, and I've just gotten used to it. But I DO remember yelling, then dad saying something to me, then me just breaking down and crying. I went into the living room and just sat on the sofa, sobbing, for fifteen minutes. I repeatedly said "It's not worth it. It's just not worth it." I was referring to life, in general; I recall that much.

That moment, crying rather loudly in the living room for fifteen straight minutes and having no one even ask if I was alright, made me realize (like.. truly REALIZE) how alone I was. And how alone I'm going to be. So I 'snapped' like that, and from then on, I was just... so much colder. I didn't even go on Facebook as much, and when I did, I rarely said anything. I only spoke to my very, VERY closest friends. I started subconsciously altering my sleeping patterns so I would sleep all night and stay awake, alone, all day. Most noticeable of all, I.. I got used to it. Time became a blur, and now even the majority of my memories have turned into blurs. It wasn't until a couple days ago that I've reverted back to my usual, chatty-ish, willing-to-talk-to-strangers self.

My dad hates me for getting so isolated. He blames my isolation on myself. Reasonable train of thought, in theory, but.. to be quite honest, there are literally very FEW ways in which I have isolated myself, and even then, they only came after my personality adapted to its.. C-PTSD self, thanks to my dad. After all, we only moved here 'cause my dad lost his job, and the biggest reason he lost his job was because he cheated on mum (and used his corporate card to buy the other woman gifts), which was also what made him take out his anger so much. My dad is the main reason that, even when I WASN'T cold for a couple weeks, I don't like to leave my room. Sure, literally speaking, I'm isolated because I haven't done much to change that, but I think, by now, I'm allowed to say I've been more than hindered by him.

..OH YES. How did I forget this? So, a couple days ago.. well.. to put a series of confusing stories short, the internet went down for an hour, I cried for an hour (please don't blame me for that >.< I need the internet. Rock Band was broken at the time, and it was nighttime. Any chances of talking to people were online), and then I went into the living room. I shit you not with the following sentence: Upon my entering of the living room, my dad says "Get out of here. You're in big trouble when you come back." It turns out, he was kicking me out. Again. This time, in December, on an evening, and... it was cold, guys. I only had time to put on a coat and hat; I was still in shorts by the time I was sent out. When I came back in, I volunteered to go to bed before my dad said anything, and he was fine with it, so I went to bed.

This is where things get worrying, and where I started to realize how much of a blur my perception of things really is. The next morning, I found my notebook by the bed had been scribbled all over. On every page, "I want to die" is covering my previous writings/drawings. On some pages, "Kill me." On another, "None of this is worth it." Halfway through my notebook is a surprisingly-not-bad drawing of me (in a tuxedo and hat) shooting myself in the face. On the same page is "How much more abuse can I take?" A few pages later, I.. I actually found myself crying upon discovering this; I had apparently written "DJay32 wants to die." My internet alias is something I never thought I'd associate with such feelings. After all, when I'm DJay, I am free to meet new people, I do not have any stutter or slur in my speech, and.. well.. things are just nice. But apparently, I was that sad. case the last paragraph isn't clear (when I'm stressed, my mind reverts to pretending everything is just a movie, so I begin to speak with more literary prowess), I had apparently, prior to going to sleep the previous night, written/drawn suicidal thoughts in my notebook in pitch blackness. I.. I really, really don't remember doing it. I mean, at the same time, I DO, sorta.. I have a vague recollection of doing SOMETHING with a pen in the dark.. but everything is just blurred, and my thoughts are fragmented. Waking up and seeing these writings, I think, gave me the "wake-up call" I needed to stop being so suddenly quiet. So.. here I am now.

Oh, yes, and.. yeah, when I'm stressed, my mind thinks everything is a movie. To this day, I still can't talk about any of the events in the first post (or the countless other events in my memory) as just memories. I may WORD them as just memories, but I FEEL like I'm talking about a character in a film, or a piece of literature. This is good, in that it means I can talk about things without freaking out too much.. sometimes. BUT, I've started to realize that it makes me rather unsure of what is actually real at times. When I'm, say, actually watching a movie, and it happens to remind me of those.. events, I suddenly find myself emotionally confused with the character I'm watching. Like.. I KNOW I'm not in the film, but my emotions don't, and.. ah. I'm rambling, and I could have easily come up with a better, more serious example.

Now, what other news is there? OH. I had completely forgotten. I mentioned my dad got the shopping in a couple weeks ago. Well, that was.. sort of the last time he did it. He told me later on that "This time, the shopping has got to last us all month." We ran out of drinks a week in, and now all we have left is tinned spaghetti and sandwich materials. I hear he changed his mind, though, and we're going shopping at least one more time this month. So that's good.

How about some ENTIRELY good news? My brother and his girlfriend are coming not just to visit on Tuesday, but to live with us for a few months. :D That's good, because Nathan is the kind of brother who gets things done, ALWAYS. And Kit is practically family, and she's heard my story and has agreed to hug me plenty when she comes over. ^_^ So I look forward to that. I love hugs.

One more good thing! I'm going to the counselor today. I'm going to tell him about my subconscious' sudden interest in suicide. And I'm going to ask him exactly what would happen, or what COULD happen, if I told the police about things (he would have a better idea of the workings of the legal system, I imagine).

So. Chances are, there are dozens more things I wanted to mention, but I feel like I've said just about enough for now. Xandriel, you definitely helped. :D It ALWAYS helps to know people care. Always. And Loni, that has been a topic of interest of mine ever since I got here. I've exhausted all the opportunities I could find, but then again, I haven't REALLY checked in a week or two. I'll check again, ma'am.

edited 24th Feb '11 1:11:54 AM by DJay32

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
Lessinath from In the wilderness.
Dec 9th 2010 at 3:07:31 AM

Everyone who reads this thread should read this.


It will help your understanding of this sort of situation a lot, if you don't already get it.

I've got an aggressive, alcoholic father, (they don't have to be alcoholics or even your father, though) so this subject reaches to my core. Thankfully, I haven't seen him in many years, but I realize others are not so fortunate.

Remember one thing, and never forget it: This is not your fault. No matter what anyone tells you, no matter what it may seem like, this is not your fault.

Excuse me, I need to go cry now.

edited 9th Dec '10 3:28:01 AM by Lessinath

"This thread has gone so far south it's surrounded by nesting penguins. " — Madrugada
DJay32 Matkaopas from Cornwall Relationship Status: Less than three
Dec 9th 2010 at 3:17:46 AM

That page, annoyingly, is unavailable. D:

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
Lessinath from In the wilderness.
Dec 9th 2010 at 3:20:02 AM

I can't find any reason why it wouldn't be working.

Oh I see, for whatever reason the forums here are subtly changing the end of the link and making it broken. What.

edited 9th Dec '10 3:24:04 AM by Lessinath

"This thread has gone so far south it's surrounded by nesting penguins. " — Madrugada
DJay32 Matkaopas from Cornwall Relationship Status: Less than three
Dec 9th 2010 at 5:29:59 AM

Well, a little searching got me to the page you intended, and..... >___< gah, except for some of the physical ones and all the sexuals, I match those quite.. perfectly. And.. ah. ._. Perhaps I shouldn't have read it. But. Ah. I.. I wanted to. I'm still reading it! ..I can't wait to go to the counselor today. I.. I don't know. Ah, now I'm spamming the elipses. Sorry. D:

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)

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