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LoniJay from Australia Since: Dec, 2009 Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
#151: Dec 2nd 2010 at 5:16:44 PM

I am reminded of a metaphor I saw used about writing - it's like cooking. You can make entirely new dishes, but you almost always use ingredients that have been used before. No one expects you to invent 20 brand-new ingredients if you want to make a cake, you use existing ingredients that work. And it's the way you combine those ingedients that makes the dish unique.

Be not afraid...
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#152: Dec 2nd 2010 at 5:17:10 PM

Loni- pretty much.

Also, I've realized that if I had to pick some sort of art style, I'd prolly pick something similar to ATLA.

Or, if I actually want to get more than 0 views on my second and third chapter, bite the bullet and draw it myself.

edited 2nd Dec '10 5:19:07 PM by MrAHR

Read my stories!
Carbonpillow Writer Since: Jul, 2010
#153: Dec 2nd 2010 at 5:44:50 PM

well you got one more view now :P.

So....

Much as I hate to say it, the exposition is way over the top. The guy starts telling the story at least 3 times. Unless it's supposed to be funny, which I can't tell through just the text alone.

I do get a One Piece vibe, but mostly because everybody is loud and obnoxious.

Still, it's good in some parts and it has promise.

edited 2nd Dec '10 5:46:33 PM by Carbonpillow

The Blood God's design consultant.
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#154: Dec 2nd 2010 at 5:49:22 PM

You mean the description of the panels? You won't have to read any of that, technically. It's all for the artist.

If you mean the actual exposition, I tried to keep it as simple as possible, and I just spread it over a couple pages in order to not make it wall of text.

Also, yeah, it was supposed to be a joke.

Finally, I am confused by your One Piece comparison.

edited 2nd Dec '10 5:55:50 PM by MrAHR

Read my stories!
deathjavu This foreboding is fa... from The internet, obviously Since: Feb, 2010
This foreboding is fa...
#155: Dec 2nd 2010 at 6:57:22 PM

As far as the whole "originality" thing, I believe what you're searching for is The Tropeless Tale

Alright AHR, this is the best I can do without any actual artwork as far as critque.

A secret weapon was made. Twelve humans were turned into the ultimate superweapons.

Narm for sure.

...reflecting rectangular glasses
I wonder if this guy is evil...

it was not long before the rumors of the sadistic, ruthless, unstoppable forces of the Sages spread to the farthest corners of civilization
Drop "the" before rumors, it's unnecessary.

Until it was suddenly cut short by the abrupt murder of the king and the mysterious disappearance of the Twelve Sages.
Is the "mysterious" really necessary? Show. Don't tell. If it's mysterious they'll find it mysterious (and they should if you tell them nothing more about it).

Every once in a while, stories would pop up claiming to tell how one Sage or another was found dead, or found alive and then promptly killed.
Something about this sentence feels clunky, it could be...more concise? Drop "then", for one, and perhaps rewrite "would pop up" as "popped up".

Oh wait, I have an even better idea for that sentence. Why would people only say they found them dead, that doesn't sound like people. They'd make up a story about what happened, how some mysterious force had obviously murdered the sage, and they'd "seen the whole thing, with my own two eyes." That, that sounds more like people.

But for the most part, within a short time the Sage's reputation faded to just a vague horror story.
How can they have a reputation if they're just a story? What else could they have been besides a story, if they're dead?

Try "Soon, the Sage's tale had become little more than a myth, a scary story for little children."

However, this is not their story…
I think the ellipses are unnecessary, and that a period would serve you better here.

STOOOOPP!! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
Stoop? Why not just stop? Is this supposed to be a serious scene or a comedic scene? I'm getting a conflicting tone here, but maybe the art style would make it more clear.

…It's me! Libby! I…I'm in all your classes!
I thought he was angry. And now suddenly he's...apologetic? Because that's what stuttering tells me, that someone is feeling timid and apologetic.

Fine! WHATEVER! Why are you screaming?? I could hear you from the other wing!
So now he's angry again?

Sword-fight me!
I assume this stupid way of putting it was intentional, given the character.

Nicky is the sole focus of this panel. He is pointing towards Libby (audience).
I'm not so sure about having him point towards the audience like this. I don't really know if it...works. When I try to picture this scene, all I can come up with is him pointing slightly forward and off panel, a la Phoenix Wright or something similar. Again, perhaps artwork could convince me differently.

Meh on the dialogue/description of the fight, it's not much to critique without pictures.

Oh wait, except this:

That isn't a stance we learned in class……it's even WORSE!
That doesn't make sense.

Is Lenarm supposed to be super corny? Because he is.

As for your critique of me: I don't understand quite what you mean by saying "Katana." I assume it means you think it should be capitalized where it appears? I don't think it's a proper noun...it's not like the sword is named Katana or something.

Too much description for the sword. Stuff like dirt is something you mention out of battle. It takes you out of it. Something is fluid? Describe it fluidly.

Yeah, I figured the action scenes needed work. Good to have confirmation. Hmm, I like the idea of describing fluid things fluidly...

...see, it's unique and all, but the point of writing in the english language is so we can understand it.

That's why I included the other names next to it. This could well get the axe though, since this is a holdover of earlier versions when I was still planning on coming up with some sort of language.

This is narm if I ever saw it. Too many ellipses. Instead, break it up. "Your son..." textage "...will be..." textage yeah, you get the idea

Damnit, I knew that was a problem spot but I didn't know what to do with it. You see, the reason there's so many ellipses is that he's saying something else in those gaps, we only get to hear the full sentence much, much later...once again, a holdover from earlier versions.

Show. Don't tell.
I don't think this phrase should be used standalone, it's basically enshrining it as a sort of religious doctrine without considering context or the impossible number of variations people will assign to its meaning, not to mention causing people to go much too far in the other direction. Or in other words, please explain further.

Yeah, weak ending if I ever saw one.
It's the end of a chapter, not the story...is there a better place there to end without losing any information? Perhaps it could be rearranged, but it'd be nice to have an idea what part would end it better...

I think you should go and find some books with action scenes and do some research before writing stuff like this again.
I've always dreaded going back to all of my favorite books and dissecting them like that, worrying that it'll ruin them somehow to reveal the machinery...I guess I'll have to do it eventually though.

No way in hell I'm going to quit writing until then though, for any number of reasons (not the least of which is that the library here at college doesn't have much fiction and break is still 2.5 weeks away...)

Also, you seem to write in a way that's very non-enticing. I wanna say it's passive, but it's not, grammatically, so it's not that. It's prolly just me.
Ouch, the one thing no writer wants to hear-their writing is falling short in some way but no one knows what it is. How do you fix something like that?

I think it goes back to the heavy descriptions that should be used for quieter moments.
Oh good, you clarified a bit, thanks.

I think a lot of the problems with this section, having read your critique, are stemming from the fact that this first scene was written when I was 14. It's been edited at least 4 times since then, but I think my overall reluctance to make major changes has allowed plenty of the residue of the original 14 year old's writing to slip through. (I'm 20 now, for reference.)

I've noticed that you like to use pairs of adjectives a lot. For example "Overcome with sadness and joy." This is just a little bit distracting and repetitive. think of using just one adjective, or another word that describes both.
Yeah, that's because I can't decide which one to use, indecisiveness sucks. Or because I see both in the scene, and can't think of a better way to convey it...

AHR, your review style is a bit grating, but I'll live. Others might be offended, however.

edited 2nd Dec '10 7:04:24 PM by deathjavu

Look, you can't make me speak in a logical, coherent, intelligent bananna.
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#156: Dec 2nd 2010 at 6:59:26 PM

Katana is japanese. You have been warned.

thought he was angry. And now suddenly he's...apologetic? Because that's what stuttering tells me, that someone is feeling timid and apologetic.

It's disbelief. Still anger.

Is the "mysterious" really necessary? Show. Don't tell. If it's mysterious they'll find it mysterious (and they should if you tell them nothing more about it).

This is exposition. The entire set up is. I can't really show. It's not like it's not going to show up again. This is just because there won't be an audience surrogate at some point that doesn't know about this.

Lenarm.

enarm.

narm.

Narm.

edited 2nd Dec '10 7:08:17 PM by MrAHR

Read my stories!
deathjavu This foreboding is fa... from The internet, obviously Since: Feb, 2010
This foreboding is fa...
#157: Dec 2nd 2010 at 7:07:52 PM

"Katana is Japanese" isn't an explanation either...I don't suppose I could get one?

I never understood the stuttering with disbelief thing. Spluttering, maybe, but that implies a much greater loss of speech control. "Wha...I...he....YOU! (Actually starts talking again, angrily)"

Standard disclaimer, maybe that's just me, and maybe having artwork could convince me otherwise.

Narm...I thought so, just asking for confirmation.

edited 2nd Dec '10 7:08:24 PM by deathjavu

Look, you can't make me speak in a logical, coherent, intelligent bananna.
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#158: Dec 2nd 2010 at 7:09:20 PM

Japan

What? No one's ever said anything that caught you off guard, and made you stumble in your speech?

Also, the glasses is actually more of Author Appeal than anything. I don't really have evil characters. Well, I do, but they're the good guys.

And your showing thing, instead of telling us she reacted because X, try and actually show X happening, and hint at elaborations instead of explaining.

edited 2nd Dec '10 7:14:20 PM by MrAHR

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ch00beh ??? from Who Knows Where Since: Jul, 2010
???
#159: Dec 2nd 2010 at 7:11:14 PM

I haven't read anything, but if you want to stop being passive, stop using the passive voice. The word "seems" is a terrible, terrible thing, and I fall back on it a lot and hate myself for it when I catch myself.

As far as omitting what someone is saying, omit using action. Like:

"I can't believe he—"

Fred tried to cup his ears to hear the words. All he could make out was some unintelligible murmuring. Great.

Except written better.

"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story." Twitter
deathjavu This foreboding is fa... from The internet, obviously Since: Feb, 2010
This foreboding is fa...
#160: Dec 2nd 2010 at 7:14:22 PM

[up][up]Again, I'd say splutter, not stutter. Spluttering is when you can't actually say something. Stuttering just sounds apologetic. And what he does is definitely the latter.

I'd say it's irrational to dislike something purely for having Japanese influences, as someone who isn't a weaboo.

And your showing thing, instead of telling us she reacted because X, try and actually show X happening, and hint at elaborations instead of explaining.
Ah, I...see...I think...maybe... :/

edited 2nd Dec '10 7:16:03 PM by deathjavu

Look, you can't make me speak in a logical, coherent, intelligent bananna.
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#161: Dec 2nd 2010 at 7:14:54 PM

Do you mean the "I...I" part? That's not a splutter or a stutter. It's a pause. Stutters would be I-I, and a splutter would prolly combine the two.

Also, the Phoenix Wright pose is actually what I'm going for, although at a different angle. Nicky is melodramatic in his own right. Only, it's a character flaw instead of a joke.

And dialogue formatting is indeed my weak point, hence all your dialogue complaints. I have a friend who's good at it though. Use him when I can for that. Problem is, he's a lazy ass.

And the japanese thing, it's not that I hate it, but it's a cliché in its own right. Why a katana? It's ALWAYS a katana.

edited 2nd Dec '10 7:22:36 PM by MrAHR

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deathjavu This foreboding is fa... from The internet, obviously Since: Feb, 2010
This foreboding is fa...
#162: Dec 2nd 2010 at 7:23:26 PM

I guess the "stuttering" makes sense now that you explain it like that...but it did still have to be explained.

Really? In the books I read it's always a longsword or a claymore or something like that.

Of course, I haven't read a lot of fiction on the internet, where I imagine the katana would be overused...but hey, choosing a weapon because it's less popular is just as much being controlled by popular trends as choosing one because it's popular.

Back to the mystery thing, if you don't tell them anything about it, it's already mysterious. That was my real point.

edited 2nd Dec '10 7:28:12 PM by deathjavu

Look, you can't make me speak in a logical, coherent, intelligent bananna.
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#163: Dec 2nd 2010 at 7:24:16 PM

Well, hopefully if a picture is there that shows Libby O_o; or something similar, it will be conveyed more easily. It's not the type of thing that can be fixed easily.

Katanas Are Just Better

. The katana is really the Desert Eagle of swords; photogenic, overhyped, and especially in Fan Fiction a good sign the wielder is a Mary Sue of some kind.

Mysterious: Ah, redundancy you mean? Good point.

edited 2nd Dec '10 7:45:17 PM by MrAHR

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CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#164: Dec 2nd 2010 at 7:51:48 PM

Quick little note- AHR, I posted this to your Fiction Press, too, but I sppose it cant hurt to pt it here too.

HEY AHR

Its me, Cygan

Okay, my critique...

Okay.

SFX(Seeger laughing): Weheheheh

I'm assuming that 'weheheheh' is the sound Seeger makes when he laughs.

However, an artist should know what sound effect text to put there. You putting the 'weheheheh' there is largely pointless, and only serves to add extra words to pad out the script.

Page 2 (6 panels)

Panel 1. A small shot of the name of a bar, "Cardigan Hall".

How do we get this small shot? Is it on a sign, written on a door, what?

Obviously, you want to leave as much to the artist as possible, but in this case, you want to provide at least some detail.

SFX(Seeger laughing): Weheheheh

PATRONUNO: It is him!

PATRONDOS: No way!

PATRONTRES: I haven't seen him since I was a kid!

The 'weheheheh' thing I've alreay covered, so...

When you write up a graphic novel script, yo should try and number each of the lines. In the end, it would like like this:

1. PATRONUNO: It is him!

2. PATRONDOS: No way!

3. PATRONTRES: I haven't seen him since I was a kid!

This allows the artist to move backwars in the script with relative ease, allowing them to find their place in the script without having to skim through whole paragraphs. It also allows the artist to keep a better tack of where he is meant to put the speech balloons.

Panel 1. The bar is now packed with adolescents ages 8-16. Most look indifferent. One female in the back is texting. One of the younger children looks a bit sleepy, and five tweens bunched together look positively pissed. Some are sitting at tables, most on tables or on the ground. At the very least, twenty kids should be detailed, with others off panel or partially on the panel. This should be a large panel.

This paragraph doesn't fit with the mostly formal styles of previous paragraphs. You have been using fairly formmal language up until now; but hre, you slippe into colloquialisms. Just a little note.

CAP: There was once a time when science was a mysterious magic, and magic was a well-known science

CAP: It was long ago, so long ago in fact that society had gone full circle, creating an anachronistic stew around the—

Yes even here you need the numbers;

1 CAP: There was once a time when science was a mysterious magic, and magic was a well-known science

2 CAP: It was long ago, so long ago in fact that society had gone full circle, creating an anachronistic stew around the—

CAP: Mr. Seeger?

This- right under the above- is likely to cause a LOT of confusion among readers, and make them wonder as what you're referring to. You'll cause them to need to backtrack there a second. Just a friendly warning.

Panel 2. Mr. Seeger is standing behind a metaphorical fire, with lightning in the background, his eye twitching, seething in rage.

... a metaphorical fire? And he's standing BEHIND it, not in front of it?

CAP: There was once a time when science was a mysterious magic, and magic was a well-known science.

CAP: It was long ago, so long ago in fact that society had gone full circle, creating an anachronistic stew around the world they inhabited.

CAP: This is the beginning of our story.

Okay, not a bad ending to the first page of scriptview. It would have been bad if it was the ending of the entire script; weak or whatever.

But you're taking time to set up characters an story. You're purposely using an exposition technique, but it's quite well-done compared to most of the ones I see, and, yeah.

...

Well, that's the end of that review. Ill do Chapter 2 when I get out of hospital.

...

IM SORRY MY CRITIQUE SUCKS SO MUCH I DID MY BEST T_T

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#165: Dec 2nd 2010 at 7:53:20 PM

metaphorical fire? And he's standing BEHIND it, not in front of it?

...whoops my bad.

And I should do the numbering.

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CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#166: Dec 2nd 2010 at 7:58:49 PM

Yeah.

(Sorry it's not all that helpful or even good or nything, Im not all that good at critiuig scripts. Im trying to do my best, but there's only so much I can do, sorry sad)

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#168: Dec 2nd 2010 at 8:04:25 PM

Okay.

I have to go to the hospital now, but Ill critique the rest of it when I get back.

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
Carbonpillow Writer Since: Jul, 2010
#169: Dec 2nd 2010 at 9:21:03 PM

^ anything we should be worried about?

The Blood God's design consultant.
CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#170: Dec 3rd 2010 at 12:06:27 AM

[up] Not now. The doctor said its not fatal if I be careful not to hit my head on anything for the next new months, and as long as I keep taking these meds, my heart won't go boom.

Oh God its hard to remember to spell correctly and puncuate properly when youre sick

edited 3rd Dec '10 12:07:39 AM by CyganAngel

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
ch00beh ??? from Who Knows Where Since: Jul, 2010
???
#171: Dec 3rd 2010 at 6:06:59 AM

I guess I should be in the OP of people who will eat your babies. But anyway, I have a short story that I mentioned in the Character thread. Should I post it straight in here or what...?

"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story." Twitter
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#173: Dec 3rd 2010 at 7:39:29 AM

(Im still trying to write that critiqe, AHR)

(Im just trying to write one thats not rambly and incoherent. Harder than it seems)

There are too many toasters in my chimney!
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#174: Dec 3rd 2010 at 7:40:01 AM

I like rambly, don't worry. smile

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CyganAngel Away on the wind~ from Arcadia Since: Oct, 2010
Away on the wind~
#175: Dec 3rd 2010 at 7:43:25 AM

Okay, I wont worry so much about the rambliness that much then.

I'll just focus on making it... coherent...

...at... 3... in the morning...

...

I think I may have discovered the problem

There are too many toasters in my chimney!

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