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USAF713 I changed accounts. from the United States Since: Sep, 2010
I changed accounts.
#1327: Aug 26th 2011 at 10:33:10 PM

Hi guys, I finally got around to starting really WRITING that My Immortal fanfic, months later after it was first conceived.

Wait... you're writing a fanfic... of the worst fanfic of all time... of one of the greatest YA series in history?

I don't even know if that's Recursive Adaptation, but it sounds fucking complicated...

Gah! No Gmail account. I kind of wanted to read it, too. I haven't read My Immortal, though...

edited 26th Aug '11 10:35:24 PM by USAF713

I am now known as Flyboy.
BensenDan Daniel Bensen from Sofia.Bulgaria Since: May, 2011
Daniel Bensen
#1328: Aug 27th 2011 at 12:29:33 AM

@Dae Brayk. No problem. I didn't get the sense I was starting in the middle of a story. The excerpt you posted worked well as an introduction. I also like the characters.

www.kingdomsofevil.com http://bensen-daniel.deviantart.com/ https://twitter.com/bensen_m
LilPaladinSuzy Chaotic New Troll from 4chan Since: Jul, 2010
Chaotic New Troll
#1329: Aug 27th 2011 at 10:30:21 AM

[up][up] Well, I have a love-hate relationship with My Immortal. Sometimes, when I'm on my computer doing unproductive stuff instead of doing homework, I read a chapter or two to myself as punishment, and also to remind me that there are worse things in the world than doing homework.

And don't worry, Gmail accounts are free.

edited 27th Aug '11 10:30:43 AM by LilPaladinSuzy

Would you kindly click my dragons?
WhiteRitz Since: Aug, 2011
#1330: Aug 27th 2011 at 1:26:13 PM

@Dae Brayk

Thank you for giving Aress in Wonderland a second chance, by the way! XD Some of my habits are a little hard to break, I guess...but I'll keep trying to improve!

...actually...Hatter— No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. XD Uh...how do I explain this... I tend to write kind of like if everything is being laid out like in a manga as I write... Did that make any sense? But yeah...in my mind...it makes sense to mention the doors. XD Sorry if that made no sense, but I'll try to work on the not mentioning obvious stuff, I guess!

As for the atrocity that was my sentence with a gajillion "already"s...I'm sorry. XD I hit like major writer's block for Suit 30, so I'm sorry you had to read that. XD I'll go fix that right now.

Uh...as for darkly mysterious...I don't know how to really explain this. Uh...it's mysterious in a dark way! That's...how I understand it. XD And yes, thank you for that...uh...grammar lesson. I guess it might feel wrong, but...I don't know...that's how I would put it. XD Darkly...mysterious.

Yes, actually, in the course of the thirty Suits, they get a lot more character development! XD And there's still actually a few major developments to come in future chapters. And...the lines between sections are actually supposed to be line breaks, but Fictionpress doesn't take well to manual line breaking. XD Yeah...writer's block makes me even worse of a writer than I usually am. XD I guess I'll try deleting that sentence.

And as for the Nacht's eyes thing, sorry, but see...It didn't feel that much to me when I wrote it since I wrote it in like a gajillion sessions, so I guess I'll try to get rid of them and I'll fix the staring part. I don't suppose the "manga" explanation thing would work here, since they're usually in black and white? XD But it still feels right to mention the colors... lol.

YES. March is just too much raw man to care— N-no, that was a joke. XD March is like a new drinker...he didn't drink before, and he didn't really like it before, and he can't really handle his alcohol, so it's like kind of a character thing here, where even he's affected enough to take up drinking with Jazz. XD So the thing there is kind of reflecting his indifference to what kind he's drinking... ...did that just make any sense at all? ...lol.

Thanks. It took me forever to think up his darn one-liner so I could end the chapter. XDD I kid, I kid. But thank you.

Thanks for giving Aress in Wonderland a second chance, and thanks for reviewing it again.

Sharysa Since: Jan, 2001
#1332: Aug 28th 2011 at 8:48:29 PM

Okay, I have absolutely no idea what page my first post here is.

So, I've updated my Glee + The Last Unicorn fanfic, Hunting the Unicorn. I know it's really, really long (36,000 words, 11 chapters and it's only around 1/2 done), but I would really like some feedback from whoever knows Glee.

Everyone keeps describing it as "amazing," but they very rarely say go into detail about what makes it so face-meltingly awesome. And I know it's the Glee fandom and most of them are 14-18, but still. Detailed feedback would be nice.

edited 28th Aug '11 8:49:08 PM by Sharysa

WhiteRitz Since: Aug, 2011
#1333: Aug 29th 2011 at 6:22:31 PM

@Lil Paladin Suzy

Thank you for reviewing!

It was really helpful to hear how to improve my writing, and I've been working hard on some of the points, but there are a few things that I haven't heard about that I can work on, so thank you! As for the point about expanding my vocabulary, the one example you used to say that I didn't use my words correctly was a little...uh...wrong. XDD In that phrase, "nodded deeply", I meant that...it was a deep nod. XDD Like...in terms of physical depth...not like figuratively deep. XDD

As for the English grammar/Japanese grammar thing...I think it's because I've been overexposed to that sort of stuff... I can't quite imagine not writing without some of them anymore... Sorry, but I'll try to work on that too! XD

Thank you for the review, and the compliments! XDD I'll try to work on everything you listed! Thank you! XD

Sharysa Since: Jan, 2001
#1334: Aug 29th 2011 at 8:29:34 PM

Whoever was the troper who reviewed my fic, thank you!

But I still don't know what exactly I'm doing right and how to keep doing it. Hunting the Unicorn has been called "amazing" and "evocative," but I don't know what about it is amazing or what the frick kind of responses I'm evoking with it.

Is it how I'm emulating The Last Unicorn's style of writing? Because if so, NOBODY'S ACTUALLY SAID IT YET.

I don't even know why this is driving me so crazy, I never had a problem with needing specifics before.

edited 29th Aug '11 8:34:14 PM by Sharysa

DaeBrayk PI Since: Aug, 2009
PI
#1335: Aug 30th 2011 at 4:25:08 PM

"Amazing" and "evocative" are...a bit much.

It suffers the same as all fanfics in assuming a preexisting familiarity and emotional attatchment to the characters, though I'll grant you this is the point of fanfiction, and it doesn't make for an aweful in media res opening. After that it quickly desintegrates into feeding the glee fandom. What I read of it makes for a dull, cliched, and melodramatic storyline. I am familiar enough with the show to know who you're talking about, but I'm not a fan, so I don't care about them in the slightest.

When people on fanfiction sites start telling you you're amazing, congratulations, you've mastered the art of writing a basically coherent and gramatically sound story. It's also probably about time for you to get off fanfiction and write something of your own.

Don't get me wrong, I've written fanfiction. It's not bad practice, and it's good cheap I've-got-writer's-block fun. I never let it get into my head that it was more than that, and I never asked anyone to stroke my ego and tell my what made my stories great.

DaeBrayk PI Since: Aug, 2009
PI
#1336: Aug 30th 2011 at 4:52:41 PM

@paladin—

What an odd read. It was interesting, but I can't figure out why you made it a My Immortal fanfic. Oh wait... I only, honestly, just as I was typing this remembered that the authors were Tara and Jenny, so that makes a lot more sense. Still, you go into a My Immortal fanfic expecting it to be something...big. Other than being almost parodically verbose, it was just a story— a dead serious one, at that. And not quite dead serious enough to cross back over into "parodically dead-serious". I'll admit, I practically injured myself laughing at My Immortal. It's bad, but it's bad in a BIG way. Your fanfic is just...pretty good.

I know you're not trying to make it epically bad, but if you're going to go opposite My Immortal enough to be funny, it's got to be epically good, but no-one can be as good as My Immortal was bad. It's a lost cause. An impossible position to put a story in—the position of "My Immortal Fanfic".

I liked it a lot at the beginning though, when I thought it was from the perspective of Ebony Dar'kness Dementia Raven Way. That would have been good.

Sharysa Since: Jan, 2001
#1337: Aug 30th 2011 at 6:51:12 PM

It suffers the same as all fanfics in assuming a preexisting familiarity and emotional attatchment to the characters, though I'll grant you this is the point of fanfiction, and it doesn't make for an aweful in media res opening. After that it quickly desintegrates into feeding the glee fandom. What I read of it makes for a dull, cliched, and melodramatic storyline. I am familiar enough with the show to know who you're talking about, but I'm not a fan, so I don't care about them in the slightest.

When people on fanfiction sites start telling you you're amazing, congratulations, you've mastered the art of writing a basically coherent and gramatically sound story. It's also probably about time for you to get off fanfiction and write something of your own.

Don't get me wrong, I've written fanfiction. It's not bad practice, and it's good cheap I've-got-writer's-block fun. I never let it get into my head that it was more than that, and I never asked anyone to stroke my ego and tell my what made my stories great.

...If you weren't a Glee fan, why did you read it? Of course I'd be pandering to the Glee/Klaine fanbase. On the melodrama: It's a Glee fic and I'm emulating Peter S. Beagle, who uses a very traditional style of writing (The Last Unicorn was published in the 1980s); I never thought about it before, but those two combined would make for a melodramatic tone out of context.

I would have to start writing in a contemporary style to tone it down, so... I'm actually not sure what to do about that. It would not go over well with the readers if I suddenly switched the styles on them.

But more to the point, I'm not asking people to stroke my ego. I'm asking people for constructive feedback. Twenty-five glowing reviews that say exactly the same thing are not helpful at all, as ego-stroking as they are.

What you responded to was helpful, though, and that's awesome. But I am taking your non-fan status into account.

edited 30th Aug '11 6:58:08 PM by Sharysa

MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#1338: Aug 31st 2011 at 6:39:59 AM

Geebs. You know, most of the time, fanfiction never gets reviewed here period, because of that same logic. And yet you complain about being lucky enough to subvert that?

edited 31st Aug '11 6:40:18 AM by MrAHR

Read my stories!
Sharysa Since: Jan, 2001
#1339: Aug 31st 2011 at 10:08:08 PM

What's the point in subverting it if the subvert-ee(?) is treating it like original work? Fanfiction is heavily dependent on context and already knowing the characters, so why review a piece of fanfiction if you aren't even a fan?

And I really am sorry if I sound bitchy and unpleasable right now, but my college is being fucktarded*

and I haven't been in a good mood for the past month.

I'll just be quiet until Real Life stops being stupid.

edited 31st Aug '11 10:09:55 PM by Sharysa

MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Sharysa Since: Jan, 2001
#1341: Sep 1st 2011 at 2:46:18 PM

I didn't ask THEM SPECIFICALLY to review my work, I just assumed that everyone followed the unspoken rule that "fanfiction reviews should preferably be from a fan."

I'm not bothered that they did it, I'm just... I don't know, it's like a false alarm.

FallenLegend Trickster. from Navel Of The Moon. Since: Oct, 2010
Trickster.
#1342: Sep 1st 2011 at 4:12:55 PM

Lil suzy I don't feel like I am in a position to review. But if nobody reviews your work I will

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
MrCorfield Snarky Butt-Monkey from Demetriuslandia Since: Aug, 2011
Snarky Butt-Monkey
#1343: Sep 4th 2011 at 11:43:38 AM

Hi. I want to be a film maker and writer, and I posted a couple short histories in my note's section on Facebook, but unfortunately their in portuguese and I'm too lazy to translate them. I did just write this poem in english out of boredom, tho, and I would love some constructive criticism if you guys don mind. Well, here it is:

Days & Nights.

\Life is composed of the bright days and the dark nights,\ Interchangeable friends, these two,\ Dark nights full of pain and woe,\ And bright days that give you the strenght to fight. Right now I'm at the edges of the night\ Screaming at the endless void of life,\ Hope burned and paralyzed,\ Like an innocent child of Pompeii,\ Killed but not realized. The dark metal clouds seem to have gotten here\ And they want to stay,\ Can't see, can't sense, can't hear.\ Can't find a way...\ Out. But then you shout:\ "Then why you're still alive?\ Swallow a gun and make it scream!"\ That's our Ego speaking, so mean. But then my Superego comes,\ And approaches my shaking Id,\ He gets down, and whispers something to me. The very reason I'm still standing,\ And you're not understanding,\ The reason I still fight\ The Dark Knight. What was it again?\ Oh yes,\ Pardon me,\ How could I forget?\ He gets to me,\ And very gently says:\ "Don't give up, my dear,\ For there will come brighter days."

I wrote it out of my own will, really, since I didn't get any inspiration, so if it sucks too much it's because I didn't give it much work.

"It's funny because it's retarded and he's dead."
MrCorfield Snarky Butt-Monkey from Demetriuslandia Since: Aug, 2011
Snarky Butt-Monkey
#1344: Sep 4th 2011 at 11:45:12 AM

Shit, it didn't come out in stanzas. Oh well.

"It's funny because it's retarded and he's dead."
MrCorfield Snarky Butt-Monkey from Demetriuslandia Since: Aug, 2011
Snarky Butt-Monkey
#1345: Sep 4th 2011 at 11:54:25 AM

I DID add the \'s, why didn't it come out in verse form?

"It's funny because it's retarded and he's dead."
FringeBenefits Magical Girl Authority™ from in your basement (Veteran) Relationship Status: Above such petty unnecessities
Magical Girl Authority™
#1346: Sep 4th 2011 at 1:12:57 PM

Hey everybody,

As part of my ongoing efforts in promoting my work while spending as little money as possible, I'm constantly looking for new readers/critiquers/slavishly loyal fans for my fantasy web novel series, Tasakeru. I'm pitching it as Redwall for teens and young adults, but there's more to it than that, of course. The link is below... any help would be appreciated!

http://tasakeru.com

chihuahua0 Since: Jul, 2010
#1347: Sep 4th 2011 at 3:14:14 PM

Uh...I hadn't seen you around lately.

Can I take a peek to see if I'm interested? I read a Redwall book recently, and it was good.

FringeBenefits Magical Girl Authority™ from in your basement (Veteran) Relationship Status: Above such petty unnecessities
Magical Girl Authority™
#1348: Sep 4th 2011 at 3:14:37 PM

Absolutely, go right ahead!

jewelleddragon Also known as Katz from Pasadena, CA Since: Apr, 2009
Also known as Katz
#1349: Sep 4th 2011 at 3:29:05 PM

[up]I've started looking at this and I'll leave some comments on the blog.

[down]I used to have a fiction blog (technically still do, never bothered to take it down) and I got zero comments on it ever, including from friends and family :P It's just super hard to get people to look at that sort of thing.

edited 4th Sep '11 8:46:33 PM by jewelleddragon

FringeBenefits Magical Girl Authority™ from in your basement (Veteran) Relationship Status: Above such petty unnecessities
Magical Girl Authority™
#1350: Sep 4th 2011 at 4:17:55 PM

[up]Thank you, comments are hard to come by for me, for some reason...

There's a Tropes page too, if you're so inclined.


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