Carnivorous: How about the fact that you switch tenses faster than a mexican jumping bean? Will really help with the flow.
Read my stories!Yeah, that's the part that I've been trying to fix. It's supposed to be in kind of a weird tense, but there were several places where I still can't figure out exactly what's supposed to go there.
Did you notice the tense-problem anywhere outside of the opening prologue? I'm just too durn tired and brainmelted to go through the entire thing and search for accidental tense-breaks. -headdesk-
edited 25th Apr '11 5:33:20 PM by CarnivorousMoogle
Still working on Good Style, so bear with me.No, but I notice you have a preferred sentence pattern that really messes it up.
Putting the object first, is something that you do.
Discomfort arising, as I keep reading it.
Hoping dearly for it to be cut down, I give you this critique.
Furthermore, when not using adverbs, you have another habit. First, you had the object first. Presently, I am discussind something else. Tragically, I do not know what the proper grammatical term is. Hopefully, this will be self-explanatory.
edited 25th Apr '11 5:35:51 PM by MrAHR
Read my stories!Yep, trying to cut down on the Yoda-talk, too.
The problem is, I can't find a way to write it normally without it just sounding like Beige Prose. I can see it happening, but I just can't for the life of me figure out how to communicate what's happening without it.
And, um, no, that's not really self-explanatory. Or maybe it is, and I'm just too braindead to understand it right now. Could you give a bit more of an in-depth explanation?
edited 25th Apr '11 5:41:16 PM by CarnivorousMoogle
Still working on Good Style, so bear with me.Those words, "Furthermore", those things that start the sentences, followed by a comma. It's how I started each sentence afterwards. You do that a lot. That thingie.
edited 25th Apr '11 5:42:54 PM by MrAHR
Read my stories!Aaah, I understand. That's part of the writing style, but looking over it I just realized that I do it a lot more than I thought.
I also have a problem with reusing words/definitions/etc. too much. I mean, there's only so many different words you can use for 'floating hunk of dirt,' 'chains,' 'hallway,' 'door,' and so on; so I find myself having to say 'THE DOOR THE DOOR THE DOOR' over and over. Any tips?
Still working on Good Style, so bear with me.Read a lot. Write a lot.
Here's what sucks about writing. There is no formula. Nothing you can memorize. No charts to go off of. All you can do, is slowly claw your way up through the mud and the dirt and the cud at a snails pace, and maybe if your lucky the sun will shine on you. The only way to be free is to keep going, no matter how bad it looks.
But I hear editting does wonders.
Read my stories!That makes sense. I already read a lot, I just need to start writing more. And timing myself so that I don't continue to associate Writing with Horrible Pain. And not throwing up my hands and despairing at being able to fix things when I go back to edit them.
Anything else that you see that I should work on? I know I need to work at finding ways to phrase/pace things so that they appear right where they should be instead of seeming totally out-of-place, and making my descriptions not sound quite so stupid. And not rushing the chapter-end to make the brain-searing agony stop.
(I'm afraid to ask, but was it okay overall?)
edited 25th Apr '11 6:00:58 PM by CarnivorousMoogle
Still working on Good Style, so bear with me.I'm suddenly wondering what y'all think about the writing in this
. I still consider it to be the best piece of fiction I've ever written, even if it never became complete.
Carnivorous: Well, if I read it in my Writer's Workshop class, I'd definitely say that it was really good.
But in this setting, less so.
You're in that annoying spot where your good compared to the norm, but not as good once you're surrounded by people who write frequently.
edited 25th Apr '11 6:12:04 PM by MrAHR
Read my stories!That's heartening to hear; I was starting to worry that I was just generally a bad writer.
I'll definitely keep writing, and try to do so a bit more often. Hear that? I'll be churning out lots more pieces of crap for you all to review!*
edited 25th Apr '11 8:05:42 PM by CarnivorousMoogle
Still working on Good Style, so bear with me.NGP: Looking over yours, your voice seems to...falter. Badly. You alternate on the fly between a homely-esque sort of southernish narration, and a very specific scientific narration. Jarring. Very jarring.
Also, you are way too rambly. Pick a topic, and stick with it. If it's curses, it's curses. If it's being a kid, it's being a kid. If it's german and japanese marriages, it's german and japanese marriages. If it's being related to both sides, it's being related to both sides. You are going at it from too many angles, instead of picking one representing idea and working off of that.
Especially since it's just a preface.
Read my stories!I agree with AHR. For a preface, it rambles a lot, and jumps around from topic to topic with no connection. I like the first line/hook, but the rest doesn't live up to it. This is the introduction to the story— you want something to grab the reader. Instead, you've given us an infodump, and a fairly clunky one at that. There is no story, no sense of character, no real reason to keep reading.
Also, there's some dissonance in the narrative. The first half of the preface is kinda relaxed, then is gets formal and story-like, then it's crass. Pick a tone and stick to it. And if you're going to use vulgarity, use it right off the bat, 'cause it's really jarring otherwise.
Biggest suggestion: Leave the infodump for later, and introduce us to the core character and a conflict in the opening chapter, maybe through an engaging scene.
Me, I didn't get a critique on this
.
Promise it's better than the last piece of mine I posted here, ages and ages (and by that I mean a few months) ago.
edited 26th Apr '11 6:36:24 PM by deathjavu
Look, you can't make me speak in a logical, coherent, intelligent bananna.Okay, deathjavu, here's my critique:
Overall, I like it. It kept me intrigued enough to keep reading to the end. The first part, before it hits the childhood scene, is very good. There is a good strong hook, and you keep building on it and introducing new questions. It's not perfect, though— structure-wise, many of the sentences could flow better. For instance, "As I wondered, I could feel my memories being turned over, as though they were pages in a book." Replace "could feel" with "felt" to make it more immediate. There are many sentences that could be tightened like that. It's a small thing, but it's not cosmetic— it helps with flow, keeps the pacing fast.
The second part has more issues. It's far too quick. I get that this narrator is supposed to be calculating and brusque, but the scene goes by like a race car, and it's hard to get a sense of immersion. The pacing was so fast, I initially thought you were going to jump around from memory to memory— the speed would have worked for that. Since you stay in that childhood memory for a while, you should develop the setting and actions a bit more. Describe where they are, what they are doing. Oh, and if they're running around the city, for goodness sake, mention some of the things they see and do! "After an hour he started getting tired" is classic show don't tell, and it's boring. Build a scene! Have them do stuff! Show us the city and her first adventure in it! Anything to alleviate the "empty scene of floating dialogue" syndrome that kicks in when they start talking.
Speaking of dialogue (pardon the pun): Not only is it disconnected (they speak, but where's the scene?), it also seems unnatural— and too convenient. For example:
“What was that thing you said?”
“What thing?”
“The words, but spoken kind of like a chant…”
“That? That is my mantra. It helps me control my emotions.”
Okay, imagination time: This beat up girl who nearly broke your arm and commanded you to take her through the city has randomly started talking to herself. Is your first reaction to say, "What's that thing you said?", or is your first reaction to blink and stare at her like she's gone mad, look around, walk tentatively over to her, move to pat her arm, consider better of it, rub your hands on your pants to hide the fact you were about to pat her arm, look around a bit more, and ask, "Um, what, exactly, are you... doing?"
Even if the former really is the character's initial reaction, the latter is more dynamic, gives more idea of the character's personality, and builds a scene. If you add in a few moments like that, it makes the dialogue more natural, less convenient, and also gets rid of "empty room of floating dialogue" syndrome.
So, overall, the idea interests me, but you should work on your pacing and scene building.
edited 26th Apr '11 7:51:39 PM by Ronka87

Ah. In that case, what does the pessimist's black morality have to do with the idealist's opinion?