I made a thread a few days ago for it but it was ignored, so I decided that this was the next best place for it.
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13019848830A10464600&page=1#1
@ Everest and AHR: Thanks for your help.
However, I could have much more appreciated it if you'd tell me how I could go about improving my work - you see, I personally see these weaknesses as well, but as with most critiques I've gotten thus far, I've only gotten feedback on "what I did poorly" and not "how I could fix it".
I am putting my work on hold again. Until I am told how I can improve my work further I doubt I'd dare to write one single more word.
Support Taleworlds!Dude, I gave you advice about yer dialogue, you just chose not to follow it, remember?
Read my stories!Ah, yes you did. Though I must admit it... didn't help much, since now I am having trouble finding ways to mend it while maintaining the general atmosphere of a group that is more or less acting in a very, say, "antiquated" manner.
Could be my own lack of creativity though * .
edited 11th Apr '11 8:12:22 AM by ArgeusthePaladin
Support Taleworlds!Sorry I couldn't give more helpful advice. I was merely speaking my thoughts, and as far as how to fix the things I mentioned:
-On adverbs and said-bookisms: Use them less often, especially where the latter are concerned.
-Make sure that, since the sample was one of the later parts of the story, you develop the characters well enough beforehand. I won't fault you on that in the sample.
-Adding to what AHR said, even if you can't find dialogue samples firsthand, you could probably find something, somewhere, that shows believable dialogue. Or just pay more attention when you're within earshot of others' conversations.
-As for narration, I would say that developing your style depends on what you've read, and how you synthesize all of it. I won't go there, since I don't want to make presumptions about what you have and have not read.
Just my two cents, as far as improvement goes. And again, this is an opinionated set of advice.
edited 11th Apr '11 9:34:06 AM by Everest
@ Someoone?
Someone asked how to make a good "hook" in a story. The answer is a good mystery. If there is something that humans hate the must is not to have an answer. Some of us get obsessed in getting an answer even if there isn't any. "If you spoon feed" all the details to the audience or if your story is predictable. They will be bored. On the contrary IF you make your audience to constantly wonder "What's going to happen next?" They will be hooked. For example In Neon Genesis Evangelion a big part of the hook was the questions. People got so obsessed with deciphering that show that they actually researched psychology, philosophy and even religion, and a lot of debates just top get an answer on the mysteries.
- Another example is Puella Magi Madoka Magica juts take a look about the amount of speculation this show has. https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WMG/PuellaMagiMadokaMagica
. O f course you don't need a "BIG" Mistery like those shows to get people hooked. Even small thinks like "What is the crush of x character" or what is x character favorite color? will be good hooks too.
@ QQQ I must apologies If I was rude. But I critique to point flaws only. Being praised is good, but hardly ever it helps to grow. I think it was a bit wrong of my prat. However I feel that you should be more open to what your audience will want and less what you feel they should want, After all you are writting for them. In any case I won't critique you anymore unless you ask me directly for it.
edited 11th Apr '11 10:21:24 AM by FallenLegend
Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.![]()
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I'll try that.
Also, how do you think skipping a chapter or two would be? Writing this is not my strong point.
Support Taleworlds!Argeus— An antiquitated world does not mean people will speak like they are in a shakespeare play. Even people during shakespearan times didn't speak like that.
If you want it to be more realistic (and you very well might not), you might want to divide speaking styles via class, not time period.
These are soldiers, right? I don't know a lot about roman soldiers, but did they encourage highly educated people to join the army?
edited 11th Apr '11 12:01:56 PM by MrAHR
Read my stories!![]()
Not true at all.
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It might help to skip something, if you're having trouble writing it. As long as you have the next part in mind and can go back and fill in without creating inconsistencies, which I'm assuming you can, on account of how much work you've put into it. Assuming that this is the same, or related, to the VN project you are doing.
Okay, fair enough.
edited 11th Apr '11 12:43:20 PM by Everest
There is always my graphic novel script —pokes second link—
But in all seriousness, there is probably someone who is more deserving. Check the last page.
review this person's thingy.
edited 11th Apr '11 12:52:55 PM by MrAHR
Read my stories!Oh, for an exercise, I am crappily drawing a comic version of the thing I wrote a bit back. If I want it to be critiqued, should I go here, or should I go to the visual arts thread?
edited 11th Apr '11 2:11:46 PM by MrAHR
Read my stories!Eh, didn't really like how it turned out anyway. Return all attention back to Saly.
Read my stories!hey don't take that too seriosly
. I am not really sad or angry
I am just messing with you guys . As a matter of fact I am browsing looking for a story to crtitique.
Sorry it was a bad joke of mine.
edited 11th Apr '11 6:17:24 PM by FallenLegend
Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.If you want one more, here's the first part
of a new thing. Again: I'd like to see what you think of the character dynamics, and technology-magic blend.
I am very biased in this situation, but I feel like you are trying too hard to make Tess the cute kid of the bunch. I say I am very biased because I tend to really dislike the token cute kids, and am more harsh on them then normal, but that's the vibe I got. The moment you said "big brown eyes" I pretty much assumed she'd be the cute/innocent type, and I was hesitant.
That's just me though.
Read my stories!

I missed Tess, sorry about that.
I was just talking about how you described how they walked.
It comes. The corrupter comes. Don't let it touch the tower lest all reality crumble.