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Philosopher The thing with the red gold crown. from Behind the Wall Since: Jan, 2011
The thing with the red gold crown.
#701: Apr 10th 2011 at 7:16:40 PM

I missed Tess, sorry about that.

I was just talking about how you described how they walked.

It comes. The corrupter comes. Don't let it touch the tower lest all reality crumble.
TotallyOriginal Since: Apr, 2011
#702: Apr 11th 2011 at 5:17:59 AM

I made a thread a few days ago for it but it was ignored, so I decided that this was the next best place for it.

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13019848830A10464600&page=1#1

ArgeusthePaladin from Byzantine. Since: May, 2010
#703: Apr 11th 2011 at 7:26:08 AM

@ Everest and AHR: Thanks for your help.

However, I could have much more appreciated it if you'd tell me how I could go about improving my work - you see, I personally see these weaknesses as well, but as with most critiques I've gotten thus far, I've only gotten feedback on "what I did poorly" and not "how I could fix it".

I am putting my work on hold again. Until I am told how I can improve my work further I doubt I'd dare to write one single more word.

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MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#704: Apr 11th 2011 at 8:07:45 AM

Dude, I gave you advice about yer dialogue, you just chose not to follow it, remember?

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ArgeusthePaladin from Byzantine. Since: May, 2010
#705: Apr 11th 2011 at 8:10:34 AM

Ah, yes you did. Though I must admit it... didn't help much, since now I am having trouble finding ways to mend it while maintaining the general atmosphere of a group that is more or less acting in a very, say, "antiquated" manner.

Could be my own lack of creativity though *

.

edited 11th Apr '11 8:12:22 AM by ArgeusthePaladin

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Everest Since: Sep, 2011
#706: Apr 11th 2011 at 9:33:01 AM

Sorry I couldn't give more helpful advice. I was merely speaking my thoughts, and as far as how to fix the things I mentioned:

-On adverbs and said-bookisms: Use them less often, especially where the latter are concerned.

-Make sure that, since the sample was one of the later parts of the story, you develop the characters well enough beforehand. I won't fault you on that in the sample.

-Adding to what AHR said, even if you can't find dialogue samples firsthand, you could probably find something, somewhere, that shows believable dialogue. Or just pay more attention when you're within earshot of others' conversations.

-As for narration, I would say that developing your style depends on what you've read, and how you synthesize all of it. I won't go there, since I don't want to make presumptions about what you have and have not read.

Just my two cents, as far as improvement goes. And again, this is an opinionated set of advice.

edited 11th Apr '11 9:34:06 AM by Everest

FallenLegend Trickster. from Navel Of The Moon. Since: Oct, 2010
Trickster.
#707: Apr 11th 2011 at 10:08:33 AM

@ Someoone?

Someone asked how to make a good "hook" in a story. The answer is a good mystery. If there is something that humans hate the must is not to have an answer. Some of us get obsessed in getting an answer even if there isn't any. "If you spoon feed" all the details to the audience or if your story is predictable. They will be bored. On the contrary IF you make your audience to constantly wonder "What's going to happen next?" They will be hooked. For example In Neon Genesis Evangelion a big part of the hook was the questions. People got so obsessed with deciphering that show that they actually researched psychology, philosophy and even religion, and a lot of debates just top get an answer on the mysteries.

@ QQQ I must apologies If I was rude. But I critique to point flaws only. Being praised is good, but hardly ever it helps to grow. I think it was a bit wrong of my prat. However I feel that you should be more open to what your audience will want and less what you feel they should want, After all you are writting for them. In any case I won't critique you anymore unless you ask me directly for it.

edited 11th Apr '11 10:21:24 AM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
FallenLegend Trickster. from Navel Of The Moon. Since: Oct, 2010
Trickster.
#708: Apr 11th 2011 at 10:16:49 AM

Who wants to get a critique from me?

I will ask anybody who asks me :).

edited 11th Apr '11 10:17:08 AM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
ArgeusthePaladin from Byzantine. Since: May, 2010
#709: Apr 11th 2011 at 10:41:56 AM

[up][up][up]

I'll try that.

Also, how do you think skipping a chapter or two would be? Writing this is not my strong point.

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SalFishFin Since: Jan, 2001
#710: Apr 11th 2011 at 11:55:51 AM

[up][up] The thing I linked last page just got the AHR treatment. She just hates everything.

MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#711: Apr 11th 2011 at 12:00:18 PM

Argeus— An antiquitated world does not mean people will speak like they are in a shakespeare play. Even people during shakespearan times didn't speak like that.

If you want it to be more realistic (and you very well might not), you might want to divide speaking styles via class, not time period.

These are soldiers, right? I don't know a lot about roman soldiers, but did they encourage highly educated people to join the army?

edited 11th Apr '11 12:01:56 PM by MrAHR

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Everest Since: Sep, 2011
#712: Apr 11th 2011 at 12:00:23 PM

[up][up] Not true at all.

[up][up][up] It might help to skip something, if you're having trouble writing it. As long as you have the next part in mind and can go back and fill in without creating inconsistencies, which I'm assuming you can, on account of how much work you've put into it. Assuming that this is the same, or related, to the VN project you are doing.

[down] Okay, fair enough.

edited 11th Apr '11 12:43:20 PM by Everest

SalFishFin Since: Jan, 2001
#713: Apr 11th 2011 at 12:30:06 PM

[up]I keep forgetting that sarcasm doesn't work on the Internet.

FallenLegend Trickster. from Navel Of The Moon. Since: Oct, 2010
Trickster.
#714: Apr 11th 2011 at 12:45:14 PM

I really Want to critique something lol.

Who volunteers?

edited 11th Apr '11 12:45:50 PM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#715: Apr 11th 2011 at 12:45:57 PM

There is always my graphic novel script —pokes second link— grin

But in all seriousness, there is probably someone who is more deserving. Check the last page.

[down]review this person's thingy.

edited 11th Apr '11 12:52:55 PM by MrAHR

Read my stories!
SalFishFin Since: Jan, 2001
#716: Apr 11th 2011 at 12:51:11 PM

I had the same person critique two different pieces of mine, and would prefer a different perspective, if you don't mind.

MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#717: Apr 11th 2011 at 2:11:35 PM

Oh, for an exercise, I am crappily drawing a comic version of the thing I wrote a bit back. If I want it to be critiqued, should I go here, or should I go to the visual arts thread?

edited 11th Apr '11 2:11:46 PM by MrAHR

Read my stories!
FallenLegend Trickster. from Navel Of The Moon. Since: Oct, 2010
Trickster.
#718: Apr 11th 2011 at 6:00:55 PM

plot wise we could do something. art wise it should go in the other forum

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#719: Apr 11th 2011 at 6:02:53 PM

Eh, didn't really like how it turned out anyway. Return all attention back to Saly.

Read my stories!
FallenLegend Trickster. from Navel Of The Moon. Since: Oct, 2010
Trickster.
#720: Apr 11th 2011 at 6:04:34 PM

the lck of people willing to get a critique from me makes me sad.

edited 11th Apr '11 6:05:01 PM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#721: Apr 11th 2011 at 6:05:35 PM

We've just given you two options. Take them, or stop yer complaining.

Read my stories!
FallenLegend Trickster. from Navel Of The Moon. Since: Oct, 2010
Trickster.
#722: Apr 11th 2011 at 6:08:57 PM

hey don't take that too seriosly grin . I am not really sad or angry tongueI am just messing with you guys . As a matter of fact I am browsing looking for a story to crtitique.

Sorry it was a bad joke of mine.

edited 11th Apr '11 6:17:24 PM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
Leradny Since: Jan, 2001
#723: Apr 11th 2011 at 6:27:34 PM

If you want one more, here's the first part of a new thing. Again: I'd like to see what you think of the character dynamics, and technology-magic blend.

MrAHR Ahr river from ಠ_ಠ Since: Oct, 2010 Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
#724: Apr 11th 2011 at 6:29:44 PM

I am very biased in this situation, but I feel like you are trying too hard to make Tess the cute kid of the bunch. I say I am very biased because I tend to really dislike the token cute kids, and am more harsh on them then normal, but that's the vibe I got. The moment you said "big brown eyes" I pretty much assumed she'd be the cute/innocent type, and I was hesitant.

That's just me though.

Read my stories!
FallenLegend Trickster. from Navel Of The Moon. Since: Oct, 2010
Trickster.
#725: Apr 11th 2011 at 6:36:07 PM

[up] [up]Sure I will check it out. @ Sal Fish Fin. Sorry I can't find your story :(

edited 11th Apr '11 6:36:17 PM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.

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