Your Funniest Tabletop Story

Last night, the player of the slutty kitsune (a GIRL) was having difficulty picking a feat. So I made a helpful suggestion:

"Mother fucker style: You can fuck mothers."

"I already have that one."

Heh, I was helping a friend test out his game system a while back at my friendly local game store. The store owner's girlfriend played a very open female dwarf who was adventuring to find love. We encountered a bath house full of angry lizardmen, and her reaction was "room for one more?"

By the way: Is the "GIRL" in the above post capitalized for emphasis or as an acronym? Depending on which, it could have 2 opposite meanings.

edited 6th Jun '12 6:45:45 PM by darnpenguin

It's an acronym. It stands for Guy In Real Life. I believe we have a page on the subject: G.I.R.L.

I figured it was probably that.

We've a Warcraft campaign that have been around since 2007, including breaks. Its style imitated the one of the game (WIII and WIII: TFT; we totally ignored what has happened during World Of Warcraft), playing with the different sides of the game starting with the undead.

One of the characters was a half-elf banshee that started -as the other P Cs- with the Scourge, so in a sense one can say she betrayed (although unintentionally) the Alliance. Later she betrayed the Scourge and allied with the Burning Legion. A few sessions later she also betrayed them and allied with the Forsaken to be finally killed by the night elves during a failed mission on her lands. Judge by yourself; the DM joked she betrayed nearly all the factions in Warcraft.

edited 7th Jun '12 4:23:07 AM by ScorpiusOB1

One from late 1999, early 2000. The game was Vampire The Masquerade.

The party was a group of 13th gen vamps who were, of course, manipulated into setting the stage for Gehenna. In the end, we turned out to have been totally played by a 4th or 5th gen Tzimisce into being pawns for a ritual to summon some flavor of angelic being that would make the whole world pop into non-existence by coming into the world.

Our characters, being the sorts that liked the world (it's where we kept all our stuff), mostly tried to stop the ritual in our own way.

Okay, one, who was a complete weenie, just did as he was asked. Thanks for the help in trying to stop the Apocalypse, pal.

One was about to make a break for it when our foe abused Celerity to run up really fast and rip the guy's skin off. Sure, he didn't even get the chance to do anything, but credit for at least being willing to do something.

One party member tried to screw up the runes that he was forced to draw for the spell (he was special and it had to be his hand that drew the runes), until our foe caught on and forced him to do it right. To his credit, he did try.

There was an NPC werewolf on hand, who also tried his best, but he was set on fire. Now this is where things get entertaining.

One party member was required because she had to donate a pint of her super-special blood (something Tremere-related) for the ritual. Her player's response was to try to commit suicide by hugging the flaming werewolf. To her credit, she almost succeeded - she failed the final Rotschreck check to not run away in frenzy. So, so close.

Finally, there was my character. My character's role was to be the final sacrifice in all this. Shortly after the first attempted escape, my character was held onto the sacrificial altar by Dominated servants, one holding each limb. So I'm nearly out of options, and I'm looking over my character sheet to see what kind of things my character, the social leader, could do in this situation, and what I had on hand.

That's when I remembered that I had earlier in the evening used one of my merits - Eat Food. And I hadn't yet done the other part of what the merit requires. So I pass a note to the GM, who almost explodes in laughter at what I suggested. She told me to roll straight Stamina, and I burned Willpower to ensure that I'd get at least one success. I ended up with 3. The GM lost it so bad that she asked me to describe what happened. So I thus stated the following:

"My character rolls his head back, suddenly steels his eyes forward in a look of hate, and projectile vomits on the Methuselah."

The funny thing is, this actually worked. The ritual still mostly went off, but the angel just inhabited an NPC instead, which allowed said angel to destroy the Methuselah without taking the rest of the world with it. And we all even got to live despite it all.

The important lesson from all of this? Your vomit may one day save all of existence.

Greg: Im watching people play 13th Age. Someone is playing TURBODRACULA, a Warforged Vampire (Rogue reflavored)

They Call Me Tomu: Ah

Greg: With chainsaw teeth.

Greg: He renamed Sneak Attack to Snack Attack

They Call Me Tomu: Ha ha.

They Call Me Tomu: That'd be like Mieko renaming her striker feature to F Lurry of Blow...jobs

Greg: She does. In groups.

edited 7th Jun '12 4:12:51 PM by TheyCallMeTomu

Foots, I think I heard that one before.

@908 You know someone from my college group then. I cut some of the details because I wanted to get to the meat of the story, but if you want me to go into all the character names, clans, why the Lasombra antitribu was in the group (let alone why his skin was necessary for the ritual), I can.

Either that, or emergency projectile vomiting is way more common than I thought in White Wolf games.

Yep, someone posted it a long time ago in the CMOA page for Tabletop RPG. "Nothing stops the game dead in its tracks like the phrase "I projectile vomit on the Methuselah"." It was since deleted, but Google still has it cached in the search results.

Oh, that was me who added that, way back in the day, before personal examples were stricken from the wiki. I'm still proud of it. It's not often when you can cause a GM to devolve into giggle fits, practically end the session 2 hours early due to derail, save the day, and stay in character all in the same action.

David ran a Warhammer Fantasy Role Play game at Jake's apartment last night. You know a game is great when your dwarven barber surgeon has a stall set up at the parade selling haircuts and appendectomies. You know the game is legendary when another player works this into their scheme to rig a rowing competition.

edited 10th Jun '12 7:08:08 AM by darnpenguin

About once every other campaign or so, I try and have a "bathhouse session" which is Exactly What It Says on the Tin. Just pulled one tonight. But, I mean, I can't really say what was hilarious about it, because then I'd be blowing my own horn, and that's bad taste.

I, however, have no such compunctions.

Session kicked off with a seriously protracted fight that I missed most of due to an out-of-the-blue change to my schedule, then segued into silliness. Once we got to the palace, our druid went off on his own to send a message to his bosses while everyone else ^* GMPC Monk Princess, Oversexed Kitsune, Improbably-assembled Warlock, Heavy Metal ForeignerBard (my guy), and 3 NPC's - two NPC Oni siblings and a Cloud Cuckoo Lander Miko hit the hot springs.

So naturally, once we get to the hot springs, we get split up - men on one side, women on the other. My guy started out surprisingly chivalrous given his usual tendencies (e.g. he's been banging the kitsune since session 2), and explained in detail to the Oni brothers why he didn't want to peek on the princess. Meanwhile, the kitsune was providing the contractually-obligated groping and comparing chest sizes with the princess. The oni eventually convinced the bard to help peek, and in order to do so he produced a swiss army knife to bore a hole in the bamboo section divider.

On the ladies' side, the warlock was having one of her clones wash her back and idly watching the kitsune's... activities when she noticed the hole and stuck a straw through it, poking one of the onis in the eye. The warlock proceeded to charge 50 mon (gold, basically) per viewing, which the boys all agreed to. The miko began to develop a strange fixation on the kitsune's tail and began to fondle it, prompting the reactions you'd expect from the guys.

Meanwhile, the druid continued filling out his paperwork.

After about an hour of back-and-forth on this, I decided to make things a bit more interesting and had my bard attempt to seal the hole by using his fire to heat the bamboo, causing it to expand. The GM picked up on this and, rightly, had the whole wall catch fire. When it came down, the bard stood in shock for a moment and pointed at the oni brothers before the princess produced a Paper Fan of Doom and knocked them all into the sky.

The druid finally finished his paperwork and arrived at the bath just in time to see all the naked women, stood for a moment, then ran away crying tears of joy.

Meanwhile in the sky, the bard decided that he'd rather not end up a smear on the side of a mountain and promptly summoned his ride, blazing a trail of fire through the sky back towards his quarters while the oni brothers continued to fly away shouting "NIIIIICCCCEEEE WHEEEELLLS!" On the way back, he took a quick detour and asked the warlock if she could spare one of her clones so that he and the kitsune could have a bit more fun than usual that night. The warlock declined, and the bard sped off.

Meanwhile, a rather stuck up paladin was arriving at the palace with an army in tow. They looked up at the bike blazing across the sky and proclaimed that it was a sign from the heavens. The kitsune, still naked, then appeared in front of them and casually mentioned that it was only the bard. Said bard proceeded to land and pull up the bike right behind the kitsune, inviting her to get on and claiming the bike as the second best ride in Japan. Asked what the best was, he grinned and responded "Me."

Arriving at the bard's room, the kitsune mentioned the possibility of adding more people to the nightly activities. The bard proceeded to snap his fingers and reaveal a previously unknown spell: Summon Groupies. Cue waves breaking on the beach.

We closed on the druid passed out under a tree somewhere. Drooling.

You missed Red Oni, Blue Oni :P

I actually have logs of the whole thing, too.

edited 12th Jun '12 10:13:16 PM by TheyCallMeTomu

I was just reminded of one from a couple months ago.

The setup was that the village that my party had been using as a home base was under siege by goblins. Our party successfully defended one flank, and dashed over to help the other.

There, we saw goblins getting ready to start burning down parts of the village, and we noticed one commoner got caught behind enemy lines. The GM later said that he inteded said commoner to be killed to show just how serious things were.

Two things about that. First, the peasant acted rather tactically - he specifically went after the torchmen, so that things wouldn't be burned down. Second, he actually got a string of great luck, taking out two torchmen (one with a crit) without taking any damage. Realizing how much of an asset this guy was, we quickly named him Bruce (because that's Batman's first name, dammit), and we started clearing things out so that he could help take care of the torchmen. I even deliberately made several trips on goblins just so that Bruce could take them out.

This actually led to a great debate over tripping, because another party member was tripping foes to abuse the Improved Trip feat. The party's archer (who hated the additional -4 to hit on downed foes) complained about how much tripping was happening. When I pointed out that I was also tripping, I was forgiven because I was trying to make Bruce look cool (cooler, actually - it was already decided that Bruce was cooler than all of us combined). We even gave Bruce a share of the loot.

The important thing I got from this is that it really doesn't take much for an entire party to get immensely attached to an NPC - and that the entire party will read the bard's recap of the battle when said recap consists solely of how awesome Bruce is. The GM even gave my character cash for it.

That reminds me of something, but my players are all on this forum, so I can't post it until after this week's game. :(

It's fine, you can post it.

It's fiiiiiine.

So I was in a D&D 3.5 game some years ago with friends, and one acquaintance of mine rolled up a half-orc fighter who essentially acted as valet to the stuck-up elven rogue/ranger played by his brother. We had rolled for stats rather than using the point-buying system, and he had wound up with a bunch of good rolls and one really bad one — a five (or maybe a four; it's been so long that I forgot). He decided to make use of the obvious dump stat and give himself a 5 INT.

The DM ruled that this meant the character had an IQ so low as to limit his vocabulary; he was basically only allowed to know one word longer than two syllables. The player didn't tell anyone ahead of time what the word was, including the DM himself, but he role-played it very enthusiastically — the half-orc was extremely proud of knowing and understanding one three-syllable word, and so used it at every opportunity.

He first sprung it on us when the quest-giving NPC visited our inn and demanded to see our party leader (the elf). The half-orc stopped the NPC and went in to tell his master that someone had come to see him: "Boss? Man outside want intercourse with you. Not fun kind intercourse. Other kind."

At which point we had to halt the game for five minutes so that the DM could stop giggling hysterically.

edited 24th Jun '12 2:02:14 AM by JakesBrain

You win The Feathered Red Hat Of Awsomeness for that. I salute you.

There is a Pathfinder spell called Detonation (or something along those lines) which we instantly re-named to Durka Jyhad, since it's an explosion centered on the caster. The guy departing used it twice, doing sufficient damage to wipe out most of the lower-level baddies (and our lower-level allies). Also helped significantly in getting his character knocked down to -59 HP.

Had a weird Hivemind incident in RP yesterday, while the GM was recounting to me what happened in the session I had missed:

The GM told me that in our army, a colonel told the general that it would be best to divert the army to the north, avoiding the territory of easily angered forest spirits in the south. The general declared the army would still go straight on, I immediately thought "sounds like a Titanic mistake". But before that thought could reach my lungs, let alone my lips, another friend comes into the room, arms outstretched, yelling "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!"

But had they changed direction far earlier, they wouldn't have hit the iceberg at all.

edited 8th Jul '12 9:01:36 AM by Medinoc

Well remember, the titanic was so nasty because they tried to change direction at the last moment instead of hitting the iceberg straight on, thus tearing open the entire ... port? One side or the other I don't remember which, but if they had hit it straight on, the flooding woulda been much slower.

In a friend's homebrew campaign, we start off the session landing on a mostly rocky planet to investigate what the hell an unknown base is doing there. As we land, our sniper spots the equivalent of a moon buggy heading towards our ship. "Is that the plot heading this way?....I shoot it". Thus begins an epic session of us trying our hardest to murder the plot every time it shows up (which includes my character at one point hacking the plot to pieces and throwing a bushel of grenades into a room where we suspect the plot to be[note that this worked and we successfully blew up the pot in that room]).

Add to this the GM drawing what one of the spaceship killing lazers looks like, and it turns out looking like a penis. Its at that point that we notice that one of the pogs he's made with numbers on them also looks like a penis. A solid 10 minutes of penis jokes follow.

When we weren't able to murder the plot, it turns out one of the guys on the unknown base was having what we turned into the worst birthday party ever. This involves blasting a hole into the base where his surprise party was supposed to be, several of our party immediately start looting his presents before we notice the plot was at the door, so we had our tank that was waiting outside blast it to pieces. We later catch up with Birthday boy as he threatens us with a detonator...that turns out to be a marker. One of our charisma based characters then attempts to knife him after this revelation, but his melee is hilariously bad so he just pokes the guy with a knife, at which point my character chops birthday boy's head off with a shovel.

I should mention that we also ran into the Captain of the base, who we first tried to kill via grenade quickly tossed into a room. Sadly their armor was too strong so we then got into a bit of a Mexican standoff as one of our charisma characters tries convincing him that he's really on their side. Meanwhile our other charisma character decides to stroll right in as we're having said standoff. Do note that this character is horrible and is getting eliminated from the game for a reason. Well our first charisma character/team leader successfully convinces the captain that he is on their side, then 10 seconds later blows his cover. Thanks to a godly explosives roll by me I pull both idiot charisma characters out as I throw all of the grenades into the room to solve the problem.

We end the session having investigated the base and deciding to nuke the plot from orbit, as it was the only way to be sure. Note that our GM was loving all of this and prefers violence as our solution to things.

Just ran a session of Dungeons and Dragons 4E where the Random Number God showed that he had a sense of humor.

The last encounter of the session was against a group of goblins. The very first goblin to attack rolled a critical failure, fell on his sword, and died.

Later, after they'd whittled the enemies down to only one goblin left, it attempted to throw a curse at one of the characters (a Drow Rogue), only to roll a critical failure and have the spell blow up in its face, damaging and blinding it.

So Mr. Rogue laughs and says, and I quote: "What is up with these goblins? You'd never see a Drow do anything like that!"

His turn was next, so he moved to attack the goblin and... rolled a critical failure.